My Words

i see you've decided to go to the point of no return, good for you, and i thank you for reading everything until this point. if you decide you like my posts and my site, bookmarking it would be nice, and appreciated. i hope you enjoy reading these. also, this page will only have entries from the present year and the previous one, please visit The Library to view any others, they're on a separate page so as to save space on this one and keep load times short, both for readers, and me to edit the site. also, if you want some wisdom, or anything that might help you to hear it, go to Things to Quote, it has some poems, bits of wisdom, and other stuff there in simple format designed to be shared as a quote. i will encode all names so this is relatively untraceable. names will be numbers or 2-3 letters in [ ] to signify a name, for example, one person might be "[1;2;3]" and another might be "[ABC]", check in on My Words Notes to see a list of people. also, on another note, i might include my internal dialogue in some places, or any other random things that pop into my head and are relevant(ish) to what i'm saying/typing by putting it in parentheses ( ). i hope this page makes sense because i know that sometimes, the stuff i say is a bit incoherent. I hope you enjoy reading <3

17-02-2025 - February 17th, 2025 - 14:05

#523 - Feeling Like Spock

Akasi:

well, yes, the title of this entry is a Star Trek reference. i've been loving it and i love Spock from Strange New Worlds, he's awesome in that, and in discovery. anyways, i feel like him because i'm having a classic conflict of emotion, and logic. it's about [CGD]. he got a job recently as i stated in my last entry, and as i stated in my last entry, it's getting to me, bad. i had a long conversation with him and idk, it didn't help. it feels like i'm missing some magic key to knowing how to handle these situations. then there's part of me that thinks maybe i need to get tested for psychopathy, because maybe i truly am a psychopath, i mean i match some traits of it, idk, it feels like i'm missing something other people have, some magic understanding "this is how these social situations need to be handled, and sure i could defer to Void but idk, i want to find the solution to this on my own and i don't know if Void would even want to intervene on this. i don't know, i'm kinda just done caring about [CGD]. part of me is just....       i don't know. i wish i had an excuse to just, be an asshole sometimes. because there are certainly times when i want to just be an asshole, just tell someone "look, you're not good enough for me, so get lost" but then i know how harsh i can be and the last person i spoke to how i want to speak now wound up being so hurt he got suicidal, so, y'know, i can be harsh. very harsh. i know how to make words cut, bad. i also don't know how to have restraint, i don't know where the line is, like i don't know how to hold back and tell someone to simply get lost because my emotions come out and it just becomes so much more charged, and horrible, and nasty. and then there's the whole like, concern for their safety and shit, and it's just.....       it's a fucking lot. i need outside perspective on this or, idk, i need to find the solution to this, because just talking? it's not fucking helping, it's not changing anything, it's not working, it's not doing anything, i need action, i value action, and [CGD]'s actions have been....       less than convincing that he's not gonna hurt me, and logic tells me i should cut him out, but emotion says that i should give him another chance. it's a bitch and a half. i guess it's fortunate i'm more of a bitch. yeah, i need to do something, i don't know what, but i know i need to do something.

16-02-2025 - February 16th, 2025 - 08:17

#522 - Inner Dialogue Emotions

Akasi:

idk why my emotions are so hard to express. [CGD] got a job a bit ago and it just feels like fucking [PMF] all the fuck over again. it feels like i'm just waiting for him to stab me in the back, just waiting for him to abandon me, just waiting for him to hurt me, it's like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. everything with [PMF] got worse after he got a job, everything started falling apart, and sure, at first he still made time for me, and yet [CGD] just, doesn't have the time, and i don't know why. he just doesn't have the time or doesn't make it, and it feels like i'm watching the domino effect be set up in front of us, and all i can see at the end is the edge of the table, the impending drop of everything going wrong, of it all falling apart. and i just talked to [CGD] and well, i'm too emotionally consumed by my BPD rn for what he's saying to me to even register, this diary is about the only thing that's somehow getting through to me mentally, maybe because it is me mentally, so it's my own inner dialogue? i don't know the reason, all i know is this diary is the only thing getting through to me mentally right now. i'm just....          it's all so intense, like i'm shaking a bit and crying and honestly i'm a mess right now, but what drives me insane is i have tested every possibility of how to handle this situation, how to deal with this stuff, and i haven't found a solution yet, not after literal fucking YEARS of trying to find a way to handle these situations that don't suck. it's just-     like what the fuck do i even do? is there some secret sauce, some hidden technique, some magic trick that i'm missing? like the only conclusion is to try other Alters at this point, they're the only variables that i haven't tested. i haven't tried asking for their help. and like, i don't want to, but at the same time, i don't know what else to do. i am just so emotionally and mentally lost in my BPD right now that i need time to process, so i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

6-12-2024 - December 6th, 2024 - 20:53

#520 - Curse Words?

Akasi:

why are curse words, like, curse words? idk. like i can say fuck, i can say bitch, i can say cunt, i can say whatever i damn well please? like why did people suddenly decide "ah, these words are no no words, you may not use these words" like what the fuck? it's so stupid like first of all fuck you? i will say whatever i want? idk. anyways i'm gonna start making smaller and slightly less meaningful and profound entries here, just for the sake of writing here more because i should and i want to. anyways, on other notes, i'm doing research into getting an MNT Pocket Reform, with the intention of getting my EDC to have Cyberpunk 2077 Netrunner level capabilities, like, endgame Netrunner, at least, as close as i can to that. i'm gonna just really get into it and make it do tons of shit. maybe not have like, malware and shit on there as Daemons, but y'know, it'd still be a great penetration testing device. anyways, i'ma end this entry here, hope to see you in the next one

13-10-2024 - October 10th, 2024 - 20:01

#518 - God Complex Of Thought

Akasi:

well at the start of writing this entry, i don't have a title. not for lack of trying, generally when i start i know the general concept or gripe i am upset about and can properly name the entry something interesting and unique, something that encapsulates what the entry i expect will be when i finish, but, this time? i have too much on my mind. maybe that could be the title? then again, who knows. i don't even know what to say. i don't even know what i want to talk about. i mean, i do, but, phrasing it in a way that's cohesive is difficult as hell. phrasing it cohesively without ending up on someone's watchlist however? that i have no idea. basically, my brain has intrusive thoughts, and since i've decided i wanna get into cybersecurity and physical security, i've decided i want to use them to my advantage. the problem is they all too often stray to "oh how would x y z horrible thing be possible", like my brain's really good at thinking of how random shit could happen. partly out of boredom, i don't have problems to solve, i don't have things to occupy my thoughts,i don't have grand plans right now. maybe it's just my god complex acting up again, i have nothing to plan and ponder and work out so my brain just resorts to shit i haven't thought of and worked out, like how to do random crimes and shit, and violate the geneva convention, like these are things i have no use to plan and ponder but my brain has nothing else to think about in my usual tracks, like video games, lifey shit like houses and investing and crap, so it goes to shit that i haven't thought about already, like horrible dark shit that i don't want to do but my intrusive thoughts insist i must know how. sure it's great to threaten with if someone ever fucks with people i care about, like i can tell them i know how to kill someone with my bare hands, uhh, lemme think here, 4 ways, rather easily, that's not including the more difficult or involved ones that are, arguably, not "with your bare hands". also not including basic things like choking to death. so sure those are great to have in my back pocket in case someone messes with a friend of mine, or something wild where i may need to actually say something like that, but again, i don't need to say it, it's just, idk, interesting to know. part of me feels it makes me broken i guess? or fucked up? it's why i joke with my friends that i should work with the CIA or some shit in something like counter-terrorism. i'd be really good at that. then again, i don't trust the government and even think it's a failure and a disgrace, so you know, CIA doesn't hire people like me that think patriotism is nothing more than deluded loyalty based on something outside of your control, where you are, and that it could be argued that it's in a similar vein as stockholm syndrome. regardless, idk, i got a lot on my mind because well, i don't like when my mind is empty, i can't deal with like, mental silence if that makes sense? like, quieting my mind doesn't work, i can't have silence, i need at least one thing to think about. it's why meditation is awesome, and hypnosis, because i have a thing to focus on, but just, mental silence? i don't even know what that's like. frankly even trying to imagine that feels horrible. this is why i will never be able to cope with final fusion, the concept of mental silence alone makes me feel physically on edge and stressed and mentally pained just thinking about so living it......     no. not fucking happening. never. i don't wanna be alone, i don't want the silence, i don't want the blankness, i don't want the emptiness. i-    yeah, i don't know how to deal with it....       anyways. i guess i'll end this entry here, and i think i'll name it, idk, God Complex Of Thought? yeah that works. close enough. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

3-10-2024 - October 3rd, 2024 - 04:57

#517 - Language Tearing At The Seams

Akasi:

well, this entry's gonna be rough, and, hard to understand. good luck to you reader. that said, i feel as if i'm tearing at the seams. i feel like i am being torn apart at the seams, namely by the fucking english language. i feel like it's tearing me apart, as if, as if it's not good enough. it's driving me borderline insane. i feel like it's not good enough, like english doesn't work, like it fails to function as a means of expression. it's horrible, it's like using a sledgehammer when you need to tap it with your finger, like using a rake to dig a hole, like using a drill to amputate a limb, like using gasoline to cure blindness, like using blood to clean up stains. it's backwards, it's illogical, and the words don't make sense half the damn time, like it's the wrong tool for the job at all times, and yet, somehow it works fine, despite the absurdity that is english, it's functional, but for everyone except me. it's like i'm the only one who realized english is horrible, it's like i'm the only one that hates it, and criticizes it for these reasons, and yet, when i use Zukartian, our Inner World language (that was real from the delusion, basically a conlang), things flow, it makes sense. i fucking wish i had the linguistic capability to properly translate it and shit, or teach it to others. it's fucking bothersome. it's like something inside me is broken, or aberrant, or different, or, wrong, or problematic, or just, in some way, not how it should be, and it's like, it's like language is one symptom of it. it's like i'm some greek philosopher or some shit and i'm cataloguing my insanity in this diary. almost ironic. those people are now looked up to, appreciated, treated with respect now that they're dead and people realized "oh shit, they're right". maybe this site will wind up being that for me. who knows. it's odd, i feel nauseous, knowing i know so much and yet, nobody will understand, or even try. almost like knowledge, chaos, who i am and become has turned me into something everyone hates. as if i'm the embodiment of evil somehow. who fucking knows. it's funny, i'm fine being hated, being evil, but what makes me nauseous is the thought that nothing i do will matter until after i'm dead. i know i matter now, to some people, i just, it's a perspective thing. that perspective is, unsettling to say the least. then there's the simple things i want, a partner, my own house, simple life shit, but i've been having 0 luck with the partner one, and the house, that's a decade out. at least. as for the partner thing, it's not like i've been really trying but still. idk. i'm sick of all this. i'm gonna end this entry here and maybe go cry, idk. i hope to see you in the next entry.

5-9-2024 - September 5th, 2024 - 23:09:20

#516 - Long Time No Talk

Akasi:

well it's been a long time since i've posted here mostly because i have been doing well in therapy but goddamn some shit hit me like a freight train today and i got some shit saved up so yeah, here goes

so i was browsing the BPD subreddit and shit, and i keep seeing a lot of other people with BPD having BPD that's so much more extreme, and it's like, a pat on the back for me, sure, but at the same time it makes me doubt myself and question my progress, like with a close friend, who's my best and Void's best friend as well, [CGD], like how do they see me? and like, i have BPD and then Void has ASPD, like, how does that work? it's like, it makes me think like how aberrant is my worldview? i know it's aberrant but how much so? like am i just so mentally ill that i don't even realize how toxic some of my shit is? like, i romanticize all sorts of villains and shit, and yet, they're so toxic by a lot of people's standards, like why do i do that? well because a supervillain that would protect me and kill someone in a heartbeat if i asked, that's like really hot. really demented to some, but really hot, i love such a concept, and like, i talked with a friend who mentioned that a supervillain would put a tracker on me, and like, might even hire someone to stalk me and keep an eye on me, and like, i don't mind that if there's trust. i don't mind it a bit. it's like, idk, what's going on with me?

then in other news there's the whole thing of like, what's going on in life? why is the world the way it is? it's like, part of me feels like an outsider looking in, and it's like, what am i doing in life? what am i supposed to be doing? why is the world the way it is? and then there's other questions like "i hate the world, so how can i change it and remake it better? and other shit, like, i don't have that power, and i have these huge ideas and concepts and shit, and yet i know i'll never be able to fulfill them. am i going to fulfill what i want in life? will i enjoy life? like these questions burn in my head, and right now i can feel myself going into full Akasi mode autopilot, where i just let shit flow, and goddamn i miss this, this, spacey, ephemeral feeling, just me, the music, and my diary. i missed it a ton. anyways, i have all these ideas, these concepts, and i don't know if i'll ever feel them. i've also been watching Dexter lately on netflix, and like, i love it, and there's a ton of stuff in it that i love, and anyways, i'm at a part where the show talks a ton about instincts, the "primal self" and shit, and like, i've always been in tune with my instincts, i've always been able to tap into them, listen to them, trust them, they're what kept me safe from [MTC] and her psychopathy, and yet, as you can tell from previous entries from early last year speaking about her, i was completely in love with her, completely and entirely, i truly loved and adored her, and yet, my instincts screamed at me to run, and i listened. i was nauseous for most of the week we dated, physically nauseous, like, i had a physical reaction to her shit. it's just so wild and like, i know that level of attunement isn't normal, but is that why i don't feel like a human? are my instincts just, better? and then there's the whole intelligence and emotional intelligence thing. so many people i meet keep acting in stupid or emotionally inept ways and refuse to learn or get better, and when it becomes clear to me that it's willful ignorance, i have to write them off as less than me due to their behaviour, and yet, is that unfair? writing them off as less than based on their actions? look at MLK's speech "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.", it's a concept i agree wholeheartedly with, especially after 2020 and the shit that led to the BLM movement, but for now i'm gonna use it as an analogy, i have to look down on people who act like shit, is that wrong? in his speech he calls out racists, like i call out other forms of bigots and people that choose to not learn or educate themselves when i directly offer and invite to teach them about like, learning about themselves, and like, learning about emotional intelligence, and is this very analogy something shit of me to do? using someone so famous' words to make an analogy of why i look down on people who treat me in a way i deem to be deserving? it's judging people based on their character, based on how their mind works, and that's what people say is good, but then i know someone will wanna jump down my throat over this analogy and using the concept in a different way, because i'm encouraging looking down on people who choose to be bigoted, who choose to be willfully ignorant, not just on things like learning about themselves and emotional intelligence, but also about so many other things in life, LGBTQIA+ rights (which people of colour, latino, all sorts of other flavours of people have intersectionality with) and other stuff, like societal issues, like the growing trend of people being bigoted, it's like, i say we should call people who act this way out, we should look down on them for this, and yet, is that wrong? is that not ok? at the end of the day we need to be mindful that right and wrong are moral concepts made by humans, as malleable and varied as the societal construct of gender, and we've warped that societal construct to our own ends, everyone does, people warp it to be only gender binary, people warp it to be the varied spectrum i know it to be, it's a construct that's evolved, it's grown past the original purpose it served, and people are afraid of that change, then morals, that's a societal construct that we've made and built and yet it's warped too. people think it's ok to judge people and mistreat them based on their appearance (skin colour, dress, fuckin everything), on their actions, on their morals, etc, and yet, many people have vastly different morals. a person in the military might be fine with killing as long as it's on the field of battle, but then others blame them and see them as violent, some people think that by being trans, being gay, and acting on these somehow makes you bad (hypocritical christians love this "oh just don't act on being gay and it's not a sin" bullshit), some think just being LGBTQIA+ makes you bad, and so what is right and ok? at the end of the day shit gets warped, and so, i guess i'm electing to warp things to my own ends, by choosing that acting in a way that's willfully ignorant makes you bad, except, i don't entirely, i think it's bad for me, it's bad for my life, and i'll kick you out of my life in a heartbeat if you do that shit, and any pressing or pressuring or forcing your way back in will be treated as maliciousness and i'll happily hurt you over such a thing, either verbally or physically, when you could've just accepted the fact i told you to fuck off. at the end of the day this world will be full of wildly varied people, the problem is that some of those people want to hurt and attack the others they dislike, and that's maliciousness, that's attacking based on your beliefs of superiority, that's the same thing that happened with nazis, which ain't the fuck ok. now, some may say it is ok, and to those people, well, it's why there should be those that are willing to fight, willing to stand up, so if one of these societal groups attacks theirs, these people will verbally fight back and stand up for shit. we're seeing these socio-political sect wars in real time in this world, and it's both fascinating and fucked up, and for me, i have sides i've picked, but at the same time, sometimes if your friend wants to take a swing at someone for no reason, you hold them back, and it's like, why can't people i agree with and choose the same side as see that inciting and encouraging these wars is a problem, only responding is the answer, otherwise let people live in their socio-political sect and enjoy their slice of society, let them enjoy it, and there will always be people who drift between these sects, the christians who liked the LGBTQIA+ community, the very community driven and focused ethnic minority leaders who also hang out with friends of other ethnic minorities, with the average people who don't know a ton and don't really pick sides because they're spiritual and just straight and whatever random ethnicity, but they have friends from every group, so let them flow around freely and be friends with people from these groups, don't force them to pick sides, leave them out of it, because all that does is make them another sect you're fighting. then there's the argument that people need to fight for their rights, and that's true, if they're being threatened, which in the current world, they are, but at the same time, wars end, peace treaties are signed, and people don't understand that, it's like they're addicted to the fight and need it to be sane. then there's me. i look at all of this like some outsider looking in, and i can't help but think "what stupid people, they keep going at it, even after they properly defended themselves, they become malicious" and that's the problem, the people attacked become malicious, which, sure, i do, but only to the person that attacked me. if someone attacks me i fight back, win, then it's over, i don't proceed to attack their friend group too. i have this thing with compartmentalization, people are part of groups, so one friend group, one way of thinking, one socio-political sect, and when it comes to certain arguments, like, say, a fight in an online forum, i look at the thing and decide what level of sect this is, is it the friend group just "handful of random people" level, is it the community level of multiple people that agree but they aren't some huge thing, or is this a societal sect level, like a group of people that are all one thing, to put it into terms, is this a couple friends that met at a bar, a whole community of people who love that bar and are part of a club it runs, or is it the whole town, or is it even the whole county or state/province, like what scale does this matter on? and i don't expand needlessly, i only defend myself to the person(s) that matter in the situation. it's why i'm quick to say to stop attacking, because there's no reason to. that said, i'm a LaVeyan Satanist, i'm all for destroying your enemy if they harm you, but don't destroy your enemy then beat their friends up too, those friends did nothing, they stood by and let their friend get their ass handed to them, and that's their friend's fault, and you handled shit, now you walk away. it's like what the hell people? how can people not get this? like is this feeling of total societal alienation just a me thing? is it an Autism thing? a BPD thing? a LaVeyan Satanism thing? am i just a total fucking deviant and i'm not even human? am i like, some next generation evolved human and better than everyone else? it's annoying because i keep finding evidence for all of these things. it being an Autism thing? other Autistics relate. same with a BPD thing. LaVeyan Satanism preaches being a master of the earth from the shadows in some aspects (that's a highly dumbed down version of a paragraph from The Satanic Bible), then the whole not being human and being totally deviant, i think differently than most humans which is what this is about, i act different than most humans which this is also about, people don't or can't connect with me unless they're psychopaths or deeply mentally ill, which is evidence but that also often coincides with it being an Autism or BPD thing, am i a next generation "better than everyone else" version of human, well there's evidence for that too based on the fact people treat me bad and act horrible and i can help them learn more about all this and they often end up growing as a person if they're actually willing to listen, so is it that? there's evidence for every possibility, so is it none? is it one? is it all of them? like what the fuck is going on here?!?!?!?!!? it's frankly kinda infuriating that i can't put my finger on what's going on. and this whole rant just barely scratches the surface.

part of me feels like i'm going insane over this shit. then part of me just wants to give up and stop trying to understand and just put my head down and go my own way and stop giving a fuck about this world and all of this, write off the human race as "not my scene", but then i don't get to enjoy things like dating, love, etc, that are all parts of humanity. and there are parts like that that i want, i want to have, i want to enjoy, i want to experience, and yet, because of all of this it's so fucking hard. people don't get me nor connect with me and it's like what the fuck?? it's like i'm inherently missing what makes me human, like there's a fuse slot that's missing the fuse, a breaker that's been tripped, or maybe even just some whole other circuit that i don't have, or maybe it's that i have an extra circuit, or an extra fuse, or an extra circuit breaker. it's like my mind, my brain, my fucking EXISTENCE is goddamn wired differently, it's built using different architecture, it's fundamentally different in SOME FUCKING WAY that i have no idea what that is. like just what the fuck is it? i have no idea and i'm fucking crying right now because i wish i knew, not because i wanna be fixed, not because i wanna change, but i wanna just understand, because if i do, maybe i can find a way to find like, a compatibility layer, if that makes sense, idfk. that said, my therapist [ETT] and i have spoken about this before, and she agrees that i'm generally more intelligent and emotionally intelligent than most, but what drives me insane is it feels like there's something else. and i wanna know what that is. i know it'll likely be unfulfilling, it'll likely be even depressing or heartbreaking, but i've already tried to kill myself in this life, i never wanna do that, and i've already seriously considered writing off humanity as a whole, and yet i'm still here, trying aren't i? whatever is going on can't make me worse than that, and if it somehow does? maybe i'm somehow meant to be broken, and if so, at least i know, so i can be broken but stable and sane.

that was a long ass rant, and i'm sufficiently emotionally drained, so i'm gonna end this entry here and probably go to bed. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever's reading this.

12-6-2024 - June 12th 2024 - 17:14

#515 - New Poly People

Akasi:

well in a shocking turn of events, i have found a poly person on reddit that's actually open to dating, and pretty cute, and on top of that, their personality is SO AWESOME, and like-    oh my gosh. they're awesome. i met them the other day, and i like them a lot. no way in hell i'm rushing into shit, i'm gonna be smart about this and not lose my shit and try dating after a week. nah. gonna take my time with this one. their encoded name will be [GPP]. they're dope. anyways, i guess i'll end this entry here.

11-6-2024 - June 11th, 2024 - 04:47

#514 - Autism & (Executive Dysfunction?)

Akasi:

well, yesterday i went to the bank, y'know, as you do, to deposit some cash i had laying around. and now, today, and like for the rest of yesterday, my brain just didn't wanna work. i just couldn't bring myself to enjoy something, bc i didn't really wanna go to the bank. i just, i don't know, is this executive dysfunction? is this my Autism? like what is this. i haven't had this happen before really, and i don't know if it's an autism thing, or like, something else. i'm just kinda confused and really just, i feel so fucking drained. i don't wanna do anything and i have a complete lack of motivation, i don't even wanna watch Netflix, i just wanna sleep. i just wanna fucking sleep and i don't know why. it's just...      ugh. i don't even know. i don't know what this is and it's bugging me. i'm gonna go try and relax, try and let my brain just shut off, lights out. i just need a mental break rn. i wanna make food, chill, eat it, and just let my brain melt off sorta. i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

5-6-2024 - June 5th, 2024 - 04:56

#513 - Long Nights & Lots Of Thoughts

Akasi:

i suppose i'm writing here more like i wanted to. i've been thinking lately. i want to make a video game and i want it to be my full time job. i want to work 3 days a week and make plenty of money from the game to survive off of. i want to make the game an mmo, i wanna add time travel, and i wanna add mod support, extensive mod support. no PVP, only PVE, all co-op. all P2P matchmaking so no worries for servers. i have all these ideas for a massive game, and yet.....     i don't think i can do it. i don't want to bust my ass working on it only for it to go nowhere. i don't want to put in a ton of work for it to amount to nothing. i guess my fear is failing. i want to inspire, i wanna make something massive, something amazing, something wonderful, with great storylines, great voice acting, wonderful technology, physics, etc, and i wanna make it all on Linux. i wanna focus it on Linux. i wanna put all my development effort into Linux. i wanna have it support Steam Deck, and i want it to run well. i want it to be a massive hit for Linux, and i want it to be made open source. completely, and utterly, open source. i want the monetization to be purchases of things like development kits for the game, which would be a DLC to add an in-game command line in for mod development, have that be like, $5, and it'll hopefully act as a bit of quality control. sure people will likely make a mod to add it in open source but that's the point, people will do that if they feel the price is unfair, and i'll eventually phase it out and just put it in the settings, disabled until it's enabled. i wanna monetize it off donations, i wanna monetize it off of community suggestions, i want the lore, to literally be about the community, i want the community to contribute planet designs and other stuff to the game, and let me add them in (waiving their copyright to the project's license terms), i want to work on it for years and design it as the biggest co op game of the century, and have it be focused on Linux. make it the smash hit Linux needs to push people off windows. get people gaming on Linux. develop it for Mint even, specifically. have dependencies. eventually work on adding it to Steam and even add an APT repo for it maybe. all because it'd be open source. but, yet, i don't wanna put all that work in for nothing. i don't wanna take that risk. then part of me wants friends to do it with, but, i'm too cynical for that. and i hold morals far too dearly for any sort of studio. it'd have to be a one person style project. i just don't know how i can inspire something like this. i want to, but i don't know how. i've never liked the idea of being some public figure, something....      someone, that people look up to. i don't know. i also have no idea what to name it. i have some ideas, but.....       i don't know how well they'd fit. part of me wants to make it cost money on Steam. i'd likely do that. price it at $20, or $5, something super cheap. never put it on sale, and never change the price. it'd be open source but Steam would make it easy to install. apt distro probably wouldn't be the best as i can't realllly implement matchmaking through that. at least not easily. i'd put in the description "this game is made by a Linux gamer, for Linux. are you on windows? well, time for you to hear what Linux gamers heard for years: do it yourself or use the OS it's made for. Github repo is here. call it spiteful, but hey, maybe someone will make a fork." just to really rub it in that i don't plan to support windows, and i'll happily take that bullet to the foot with their market share. i'll let that happen. no console development, only Linux. that'll also make sure that until someone forks it on Github, i'll get breathing room to take my damn time with it and relax and take it slow, developing it as players trickle in. post ads to the Linux gaming subreddit to garner interest. idk, it's like i have this whole plan but i don't know where to go with it. i wanna incorporate tons of content, make the game a really REALLY fun massive mmo designed around wanton destruction, storylines, lore, exploration, have some dungeons and stuff that are harder areas and such, have enemies' health based on the rumors and lore around them. so, say you go to a planet that's known for being a sharpshooter's haven, expect to get shot in the face and die instantly multiple times by wicked killer AI that will have you begging for mercy. but, find someone there that has some info for you, and they just might give you a tool to help. have it beneficial to do one of two things: try, die, and repeat, with no losses for dying, or, gather loot, gather intelligence, scope things out. i'd have most of it procedurally generated with some constraints, of course, to avoid insanity, though, maybe have some planets where i remove the constraints, and they'd be labeled as high risk planets and such, idk. i feel like i could do it if i'm careful. it'd make abstract horrors, most definitely. but, hey, why not let it? i think it'd be fun. really fun. but then at the same time, idk, i'm worried how i'll do it, and if i'll do it right. i wanna change the world somehow. and this is one of my ideas how, but then i have other ideas. i just don't know if i'm ready to really let myself loose. part of me is afraid, both of failure, not failing at all, of failing to fulfill my expectations of myself. part of me wants to find another way to change the world, whether that be cybersecurity, hacking, AI, something else, i just want to change the world somehow. i want to make things change, make the world change, and i'm terrified of what happens if i succeed. i know this is gonna sound weird but i'm afraid of my own potential. i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid of who i'll become, i'm afraid of what i'll do. i've always had a capacity for the extreme, the radical, the wild, the outlandish even, always have, always will, and that terrifies me, because i wanna change the world for the better, not find some convoluted way of sending it into an abstract spiral of destruction of my own design. i'm afraid of what i might do. my BPD makes me extreme, and the adrenaline? that's always scared me, not just because of the physical aspects that change, and the power i have when it floods my system, but the mindset it puts me in. it's this determination that's just....     so so powerful, it's intoxicating i gotta say. and that mindset, that power, it terrifies the fuck out of me. it's like i've been held back all my life and when the adrenaline gets going, i finally get to let loose and be myself, i get to go off, i get to go run, i get to let myself off the chains i have made for myself, because i've had to, i've had to deal with my shit with self control, and now that i have it all reigned in for the most part, how do i give myself enough leeway to truly succeed in life? it's this balance that feels so hard to find and hit. it's like....     i don't even know, it's so hard to explain. that's why it terrifies me. i haven't let myself off the chain enough to even know what i need to do to properly hold myself back and still succeed in life. i don't know, i suppose i'll have to talk to my therapist about this next session. anyways, i'll end this entry off here.

30-5-2024 - May 30th, 2024 - 21:00

#512 - Removals & Cutting Ties

Akasi:

well we blocked [LTF] a while back. day after the last entry actually. anyways, today we removed another friend whom i never mentioned here, one who i realize i was hyper-dependent on, wrongfully so. i talked with my therapist and i realise these intense friendships are apparently "abnormal" and all i have to say to that is this: i fucking hate being human. i hate it. shit sucks. part of me just wants to cancel therapy tomorrow and just stay up late and demolish any semblance of a sleep schedule that i have. part of me wants to pull an all nighter and slog through tomorrow. idk what i wanna do. maybe i'll just half sleep for a solid 3 hours, and then get up and roll with that. nah, make it 4. i can run on 4 hours, 3, not so much. yeah that'll be my plan. stay up a while longer, wake up after 4 hours of sleep, then roll through tomorrow and crash tomorrow night. idk. i also purged a lotta my gaming buddies i had on Warframe, so yeah, there's that. i should write here more often. a lot more often. anyways. i'm gonna go take that nap now. i need a life refresh. new friends, new places to hangout, new spaces, just a refresh. maybe i'll check out IRC chats and how those work and what they are, i have a random client that came bundled with my Linux distro, so who knows, maybe they're cool. we'll see. anyways, i'ma end this entry here. ciao.

9-5-2024 - May 9th, 2024 - 13:41

#511 - New Friends & Alarm Bells

Void:

well Akasi's new friend [LTF] sets off 90% of the alarm bells i and my instincts have. it's annoying and i don't like them. they tick me off. i told per that per has a month to block or fix them because of it. i mean they act like a psychopath and my instincts ain't been wrong yet.  they will fucking hurt us and i'm fucking banking on it. i'm trying to have a conversation with them to see if they'll pull more bullshit for me to take note of, but if not, then i'll just ignore them till the month is up. also if they're somehow not actually a psychopath, then they're very mentally ill and they said some shit that i do not fucking like at the start, openly admitting to wanting to manipulate me. yeah, i've fucking seen that before and been the victim of it, never the fuck again. this person is not right in the head and i don't like them one fucking bit. i wouldn't say hate them as i've had one conversation and that's slightly unfair, even if my instincts are good and i trust them damn well. i'll give them this conversation before i've made up my mind on what i think of them.

5-5-2024 - May 5th, 2024 - 10:15

#510 - New Friends & Fucking Emotions

Akasi:

well, uhh, long time no see, heh, umm, yeah, i miss this diary and i wanted to post here for the longest time but i felt pressured to make the dynamic entry and finish the entry move before i posted again. i think from now on i need to read my entries less as i move them because it took so long to get around to doing it, and it's annoying. maybe i just need to tackle my executive dysfunction, but still. anyways, i've made a new friend, but idk if they'll end up sticking around. anyways, i guess that's it for now because i'm just really happy to finally have these entries moved. i think this year when i move 2023 to their own page, i'm gonna need to have a friend to talk to while i do. maybe screenshare. also as i typed this said friend said they do wanna be friends and are gonna stick around so that's wonderful, and i'm really fucking glad. i also shared this site with them, so hi [LFT]. anyways, i'm just kinda emotional because they remind me of [PMF] so fucking much and it's like, i don't know, it's just a fucking ton, it's a lot. and with how much i fucking hate how [PMF] treated me in the end, it's really quite upsetting with [LFT] being similar and potentially not wanting to be friends, and my anxiety over them abandoning me. it's a lot. but i'm here, and i'm ok, and i get to go out with [AGM] later today, we're gonna go shopping at some thrift store type places and such. i'm excited for that a lot.

2-5-2024 - February 5th, 2024 - 16:08

#508 - Last Chances

Void:

well, some random mfer from the aforementioned DND campaign (which i also left today) decided to add us as a friend and come to me pandering for respect. like dude go fuck yourself. the only reason you would have for getting my respect is because you like me or fear me. and they said they don't wanna be friends so clearly they fear me, which i don't tolerate cunts that fear me and are trying to be tolerant of me, i don't fucking let people like that into my life. not a fucking chance. i told the fucker off for it and removed them because i ain't tolerating that shit. fucking irritating. anyways, i guess that's it for this entry.

2-4-2024 - February 4th, 2024 - 11:24

#506 - Last Chances

Void:

well, i'm annoyed as Akasi has chosen to give an old ex friend, [OJF], another, final chance. it's my job as our social protector to make damn sure our system is safe from people like this, and i'm also our physical protector should it be proven i need to show that side of myself. i'm keeping an eye on her and i am one fucking fuckup from blocking her permanently and ensuring she never contacts us again, and if she tries harassing us if i do, well, i damn well might ruin her life if it proves to be necessary to keep her the fuck away from us. i am not in the mood to fucking deal with her. anyways, i'll end this entry here i suppose.

1-18-2024 - January 18th, 2024 - 22:17

#505 - Dysphoria & Winter

Akasi:

lately i have just felt so fucking alone and hurt and sad and upset and it's all just coming out right now because i want to be happy but i can't. i fucking can't. i want to be cared for, to be loved, to be paid attention to. i want someone to love me to want me to care for me and i want to get bottom surgery and all that, i wanna be a woman, i wanna finish my transition but it's so fucking hard because nowhere around here will do it, so i need to go out of state, but then there's so many problems, and i don't have someone who will be here for me and then it's just so fucking hard because i feel so alone in this and sure i have Void and we're dating internally but i want someone in the Outer World, i want a partner, a girlfriend, i want someone to date, to care for, to express my love to because it's like i wanna love someone but can't, and then i get sad from that and my desire to love someone turns to self hate and self loathing and all this and i'm just in excruciating emotional pain under the surface and it bubbles up like this and it makes me want to kill myself, or have a girl hug me, or talk to one of my friends or something. i just feel so unloved and hurt and then to top it off a friend said it feel like i'm skinny, or hurt, or damaged, and that really fucking upset me, a lot, and part of me wants to get rid of them, but they didn't mean it that way but part of me wants them gone and i don't know if i want to keep them around yet which is also upsetting me, and part of me thinks i need a refresh in my life, but part of me thinks that i just need to hold out, and part of me thinks my life doesn't have enough chaos in it, and i just want more chaos, i want more activity, i want something new in my life, i want someone new but then at the same time i have no idea what or who exactly i want in life and it's just fucking painful. i want a partner. i want a girlfriend. i want to be loved and to love someone, i want chaos, i want happiness, i want chaos so i can thrive. i need it. i need chaos. i need a change of pace. i don't know what i need but i need things to change.

if you want more entries, head to The Library, this diary goes back as far as 2020. hope you enjoy/enjoyed my words.