My Words

i see you've decided to go to the point of no return, good for you, and i thank you for reading everything until this point. if you decide you like my posts and my site, bookmarking it would be nice, and appreciated. i hope you enjoy reading these. also, this page will only have entries from the present year and the previous one, please visit The Library to view any others, they're on a separate page so as to save space on this one and keep load times short, both for readers, and me to edit the site. also, if you want some wisdom, or anything that might help you to hear it, go to Things to Quote, it has some poems, bits of wisdom, and other stuff there in simple format designed to be shared as a quote. i will encode all names so this is relatively untraceable. names will be numbers or 2-3 letters in [ ] to signify a name, for example, one person might be "[1;2;3]" and another might be "[ABC]", check in on My Words Notes to see a list of people. also, on another note, i might include my internal dialogue in some places, or any other random things that pop into my head and are relevant(ish) to what i'm saying/typing by putting it in parentheses ( ). i hope this page makes sense because i know that sometimes, the stuff i say is a bit incoherent. I hope you enjoy reading <3

6-12-2024 - December 6th, 2024 - 20:53

#520 - Curse Words?

Akasi:

why are curse words, like, curse words? idk. like i can say fuck, i can say bitch, i can say cunt, i can say whatever i damn well please? like why did people suddenly decide "ah, these words are no no words, you may not use these words" like what the fuck? it's so stupid like first of all fuck you? i will say whatever i want? idk. anyways i'm gonna start making smaller and slightly less meaningful and profound entries here, just for the sake of writing here more because i should and i want to. anyways, on other notes, i'm doing research into getting an MNT Pocket Reform, with the intention of getting my EDC to have Cyberpunk 2077 Netrunner level capabilities, like, endgame Netrunner, at least, as close as i can to that. i'm gonna just really get into it and make it do tons of shit. maybe not have like, malware and shit on there as Daemons, but y'know, it'd still be a great penetration testing device. anyways, i'ma end this entry here, hope to see you in the next one

13-10-2024 - October 10th, 2024 - 20:01

#518 - God Complex Of Thought

Akasi:

well at the start of writing this entry, i don't have a title. not for lack of trying, generally when i start i know the general concept or gripe i am upset about and can properly name the entry something interesting and unique, something that encapsulates what the entry i expect will be when i finish, but, this time? i have too much on my mind. maybe that could be the title? then again, who knows. i don't even know what to say. i don't even know what i want to talk about. i mean, i do, but, phrasing it in a way that's cohesive is difficult as hell. phrasing it cohesively without ending up on someone's watchlist however? that i have no idea. basically, my brain has intrusive thoughts, and since i've decided i wanna get into cybersecurity and physical security, i've decided i want to use them to my advantage. the problem is they all too often stray to "oh how would x y z horrible thing be possible", like my brain's really good at thinking of how random shit could happen. partly out of boredom, i don't have problems to solve, i don't have things to occupy my thoughts,i don't have grand plans right now. maybe it's just my god complex acting up again, i have nothing to plan and ponder and work out so my brain just resorts to shit i haven't thought of and worked out, like how to do random crimes and shit, and violate the geneva convention, like these are things i have no use to plan and ponder but my brain has nothing else to think about in my usual tracks, like video games, lifey shit like houses and investing and crap, so it goes to shit that i haven't thought about already, like horrible dark shit that i don't want to do but my intrusive thoughts insist i must know how. sure it's great to threaten with if someone ever fucks with people i care about, like i can tell them i know how to kill someone with my bare hands, uhh, lemme think here, 4 ways, rather easily, that's not including the more difficult or involved ones that are, arguably, not "with your bare hands". also not including basic things like choking to death. so sure those are great to have in my back pocket in case someone messes with a friend of mine, or something wild where i may need to actually say something like that, but again, i don't need to say it, it's just, idk, interesting to know. part of me feels it makes me broken i guess? or fucked up? it's why i joke with my friends that i should work with the CIA or some shit in something like counter-terrorism. i'd be really good at that. then again, i don't trust the government and even think it's a failure and a disgrace, so you know, CIA doesn't hire people like me that think patriotism is nothing more than deluded loyalty based on something outside of your control, where you are, and that it could be argued that it's in a similar vein as stockholm syndrome. regardless, idk, i got a lot on my mind because well, i don't like when my mind is empty, i can't deal with like, mental silence if that makes sense? like, quieting my mind doesn't work, i can't have silence, i need at least one thing to think about. it's why meditation is awesome, and hypnosis, because i have a thing to focus on, but just, mental silence? i don't even know what that's like. frankly even trying to imagine that feels horrible. this is why i will never be able to cope with final fusion, the concept of mental silence alone makes me feel physically on edge and stressed and mentally pained just thinking about so living it......     no. not fucking happening. never. i don't wanna be alone, i don't want the silence, i don't want the blankness, i don't want the emptiness. i-    yeah, i don't know how to deal with it....       anyways. i guess i'll end this entry here, and i think i'll name it, idk, God Complex Of Thought? yeah that works. close enough. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

3-10-2024 - October 3rd, 2024 - 04:57

#517 - Language Tearing At The Seams

Akasi:

well, this entry's gonna be rough, and, hard to understand. good luck to you reader. that said, i feel as if i'm tearing at the seams. i feel like i am being torn apart at the seams, namely by the fucking english language. i feel like it's tearing me apart, as if, as if it's not good enough. it's driving me borderline insane. i feel like it's not good enough, like english doesn't work, like it fails to function as a means of expression. it's horrible, it's like using a sledgehammer when you need to tap it with your finger, like using a rake to dig a hole, like using a drill to amputate a limb, like using gasoline to cure blindness, like using blood to clean up stains. it's backwards, it's illogical, and the words don't make sense half the damn time, like it's the wrong tool for the job at all times, and yet, somehow it works fine, despite the absurdity that is english, it's functional, but for everyone except me. it's like i'm the only one who realized english is horrible, it's like i'm the only one that hates it, and criticizes it for these reasons, and yet, when i use Zukartian, our Inner World language (that was real from the delusion, basically a conlang), things flow, it makes sense. i fucking wish i had the linguistic capability to properly translate it and shit, or teach it to others. it's fucking bothersome. it's like something inside me is broken, or aberrant, or different, or, wrong, or problematic, or just, in some way, not how it should be, and it's like, it's like language is one symptom of it. it's like i'm some greek philosopher or some shit and i'm cataloguing my insanity in this diary. almost ironic. those people are now looked up to, appreciated, treated with respect now that they're dead and people realized "oh shit, they're right". maybe this site will wind up being that for me. who knows. it's odd, i feel nauseous, knowing i know so much and yet, nobody will understand, or even try. almost like knowledge, chaos, who i am and become has turned me into something everyone hates. as if i'm the embodiment of evil somehow. who fucking knows. it's funny, i'm fine being hated, being evil, but what makes me nauseous is the thought that nothing i do will matter until after i'm dead. i know i matter now, to some people, i just, it's a perspective thing. that perspective is, unsettling to say the least. then there's the simple things i want, a partner, my own house, simple life shit, but i've been having 0 luck with the partner one, and the house, that's a decade out. at least. as for the partner thing, it's not like i've been really trying but still. idk. i'm sick of all this. i'm gonna end this entry here and maybe go cry, idk. i hope to see you in the next entry.

5-9-2024 - September 5th, 2024 - 23:09:20

#516 - Long Time No Talk

Akasi:

well it's been a long time since i've posted here mostly because i have been doing well in therapy but goddamn some shit hit me like a freight train today and i got some shit saved up so yeah, here goes

so i was browsing the BPD subreddit and shit, and i keep seeing a lot of other people with BPD having BPD that's so much more extreme, and it's like, a pat on the back for me, sure, but at the same time it makes me doubt myself and question my progress, like with a close friend, who's my best and Void's best friend as well, [CGD], like how do they see me? and like, i have BPD and then Void has ASPD, like, how does that work? it's like, it makes me think like how aberrant is my worldview? i know it's aberrant but how much so? like am i just so mentally ill that i don't even realize how toxic some of my shit is? like, i romanticize all sorts of villains and shit, and yet, they're so toxic by a lot of people's standards, like why do i do that? well because a supervillain that would protect me and kill someone in a heartbeat if i asked, that's like really hot. really demented to some, but really hot, i love such a concept, and like, i talked with a friend who mentioned that a supervillain would put a tracker on me, and like, might even hire someone to stalk me and keep an eye on me, and like, i don't mind that if there's trust. i don't mind it a bit. it's like, idk, what's going on with me?

then in other news there's the whole thing of like, what's going on in life? why is the world the way it is? it's like, part of me feels like an outsider looking in, and it's like, what am i doing in life? what am i supposed to be doing? why is the world the way it is? and then there's other questions like "i hate the world, so how can i change it and remake it better? and other shit, like, i don't have that power, and i have these huge ideas and concepts and shit, and yet i know i'll never be able to fulfill them. am i going to fulfill what i want in life? will i enjoy life? like these questions burn in my head, and right now i can feel myself going into full Akasi mode autopilot, where i just let shit flow, and goddamn i miss this, this, spacey, ephemeral feeling, just me, the music, and my diary. i missed it a ton. anyways, i have all these ideas, these concepts, and i don't know if i'll ever feel them. i've also been watching Dexter lately on netflix, and like, i love it, and there's a ton of stuff in it that i love, and anyways, i'm at a part where the show talks a ton about instincts, the "primal self" and shit, and like, i've always been in tune with my instincts, i've always been able to tap into them, listen to them, trust them, they're what kept me safe from [MTC] and her psychopathy, and yet, as you can tell from previous entries from early last year speaking about her, i was completely in love with her, completely and entirely, i truly loved and adored her, and yet, my instincts screamed at me to run, and i listened. i was nauseous for most of the week we dated, physically nauseous, like, i had a physical reaction to her shit. it's just so wild and like, i know that level of attunement isn't normal, but is that why i don't feel like a human? are my instincts just, better? and then there's the whole intelligence and emotional intelligence thing. so many people i meet keep acting in stupid or emotionally inept ways and refuse to learn or get better, and when it becomes clear to me that it's willful ignorance, i have to write them off as less than me due to their behaviour, and yet, is that unfair? writing them off as less than based on their actions? look at MLK's speech "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.", it's a concept i agree wholeheartedly with, especially after 2020 and the shit that led to the BLM movement, but for now i'm gonna use it as an analogy, i have to look down on people who act like shit, is that wrong? in his speech he calls out racists, like i call out other forms of bigots and people that choose to not learn or educate themselves when i directly offer and invite to teach them about like, learning about themselves, and like, learning about emotional intelligence, and is this very analogy something shit of me to do? using someone so famous' words to make an analogy of why i look down on people who treat me in a way i deem to be deserving? it's judging people based on their character, based on how their mind works, and that's what people say is good, but then i know someone will wanna jump down my throat over this analogy and using the concept in a different way, because i'm encouraging looking down on people who choose to be bigoted, who choose to be willfully ignorant, not just on things like learning about themselves and emotional intelligence, but also about so many other things in life, LGBTQIA+ rights (which people of colour, latino, all sorts of other flavours of people have intersectionality with) and other stuff, like societal issues, like the growing trend of people being bigoted, it's like, i say we should call people who act this way out, we should look down on them for this, and yet, is that wrong? is that not ok? at the end of the day we need to be mindful that right and wrong are moral concepts made by humans, as malleable and varied as the societal construct of gender, and we've warped that societal construct to our own ends, everyone does, people warp it to be only gender binary, people warp it to be the varied spectrum i know it to be, it's a construct that's evolved, it's grown past the original purpose it served, and people are afraid of that change, then morals, that's a societal construct that we've made and built and yet it's warped too. people think it's ok to judge people and mistreat them based on their appearance (skin colour, dress, fuckin everything), on their actions, on their morals, etc, and yet, many people have vastly different morals. a person in the military might be fine with killing as long as it's on the field of battle, but then others blame them and see them as violent, some people think that by being trans, being gay, and acting on these somehow makes you bad (hypocritical christians love this "oh just don't act on being gay and it's not a sin" bullshit), some think just being LGBTQIA+ makes you bad, and so what is right and ok? at the end of the day shit gets warped, and so, i guess i'm electing to warp things to my own ends, by choosing that acting in a way that's willfully ignorant makes you bad, except, i don't entirely, i think it's bad for me, it's bad for my life, and i'll kick you out of my life in a heartbeat if you do that shit, and any pressing or pressuring or forcing your way back in will be treated as maliciousness and i'll happily hurt you over such a thing, either verbally or physically, when you could've just accepted the fact i told you to fuck off. at the end of the day this world will be full of wildly varied people, the problem is that some of those people want to hurt and attack the others they dislike, and that's maliciousness, that's attacking based on your beliefs of superiority, that's the same thing that happened with nazis, which ain't the fuck ok. now, some may say it is ok, and to those people, well, it's why there should be those that are willing to fight, willing to stand up, so if one of these societal groups attacks theirs, these people will verbally fight back and stand up for shit. we're seeing these socio-political sect wars in real time in this world, and it's both fascinating and fucked up, and for me, i have sides i've picked, but at the same time, sometimes if your friend wants to take a swing at someone for no reason, you hold them back, and it's like, why can't people i agree with and choose the same side as see that inciting and encouraging these wars is a problem, only responding is the answer, otherwise let people live in their socio-political sect and enjoy their slice of society, let them enjoy it, and there will always be people who drift between these sects, the christians who liked the LGBTQIA+ community, the very community driven and focused ethnic minority leaders who also hang out with friends of other ethnic minorities, with the average people who don't know a ton and don't really pick sides because they're spiritual and just straight and whatever random ethnicity, but they have friends from every group, so let them flow around freely and be friends with people from these groups, don't force them to pick sides, leave them out of it, because all that does is make them another sect you're fighting. then there's the argument that people need to fight for their rights, and that's true, if they're being threatened, which in the current world, they are, but at the same time, wars end, peace treaties are signed, and people don't understand that, it's like they're addicted to the fight and need it to be sane. then there's me. i look at all of this like some outsider looking in, and i can't help but think "what stupid people, they keep going at it, even after they properly defended themselves, they become malicious" and that's the problem, the people attacked become malicious, which, sure, i do, but only to the person that attacked me. if someone attacks me i fight back, win, then it's over, i don't proceed to attack their friend group too. i have this thing with compartmentalization, people are part of groups, so one friend group, one way of thinking, one socio-political sect, and when it comes to certain arguments, like, say, a fight in an online forum, i look at the thing and decide what level of sect this is, is it the friend group just "handful of random people" level, is it the community level of multiple people that agree but they aren't some huge thing, or is this a societal sect level, like a group of people that are all one thing, to put it into terms, is this a couple friends that met at a bar, a whole community of people who love that bar and are part of a club it runs, or is it the whole town, or is it even the whole county or state/province, like what scale does this matter on? and i don't expand needlessly, i only defend myself to the person(s) that matter in the situation. it's why i'm quick to say to stop attacking, because there's no reason to. that said, i'm a LaVeyan Satanist, i'm all for destroying your enemy if they harm you, but don't destroy your enemy then beat their friends up too, those friends did nothing, they stood by and let their friend get their ass handed to them, and that's their friend's fault, and you handled shit, now you walk away. it's like what the hell people? how can people not get this? like is this feeling of total societal alienation just a me thing? is it an Autism thing? a BPD thing? a LaVeyan Satanism thing? am i just a total fucking deviant and i'm not even human? am i like, some next generation evolved human and better than everyone else? it's annoying because i keep finding evidence for all of these things. it being an Autism thing? other Autistics relate. same with a BPD thing. LaVeyan Satanism preaches being a master of the earth from the shadows in some aspects (that's a highly dumbed down version of a paragraph from The Satanic Bible), then the whole not being human and being totally deviant, i think differently than most humans which is what this is about, i act different than most humans which this is also about, people don't or can't connect with me unless they're psychopaths or deeply mentally ill, which is evidence but that also often coincides with it being an Autism or BPD thing, am i a next generation "better than everyone else" version of human, well there's evidence for that too based on the fact people treat me bad and act horrible and i can help them learn more about all this and they often end up growing as a person if they're actually willing to listen, so is it that? there's evidence for every possibility, so is it none? is it one? is it all of them? like what the fuck is going on here?!?!?!?!!? it's frankly kinda infuriating that i can't put my finger on what's going on. and this whole rant just barely scratches the surface.

part of me feels like i'm going insane over this shit. then part of me just wants to give up and stop trying to understand and just put my head down and go my own way and stop giving a fuck about this world and all of this, write off the human race as "not my scene", but then i don't get to enjoy things like dating, love, etc, that are all parts of humanity. and there are parts like that that i want, i want to have, i want to enjoy, i want to experience, and yet, because of all of this it's so fucking hard. people don't get me nor connect with me and it's like what the fuck?? it's like i'm inherently missing what makes me human, like there's a fuse slot that's missing the fuse, a breaker that's been tripped, or maybe even just some whole other circuit that i don't have, or maybe it's that i have an extra circuit, or an extra fuse, or an extra circuit breaker. it's like my mind, my brain, my fucking EXISTENCE is goddamn wired differently, it's built using different architecture, it's fundamentally different in SOME FUCKING WAY that i have no idea what that is. like just what the fuck is it? i have no idea and i'm fucking crying right now because i wish i knew, not because i wanna be fixed, not because i wanna change, but i wanna just understand, because if i do, maybe i can find a way to find like, a compatibility layer, if that makes sense, idfk. that said, my therapist [ETT] and i have spoken about this before, and she agrees that i'm generally more intelligent and emotionally intelligent than most, but what drives me insane is it feels like there's something else. and i wanna know what that is. i know it'll likely be unfulfilling, it'll likely be even depressing or heartbreaking, but i've already tried to kill myself in this life, i never wanna do that, and i've already seriously considered writing off humanity as a whole, and yet i'm still here, trying aren't i? whatever is going on can't make me worse than that, and if it somehow does? maybe i'm somehow meant to be broken, and if so, at least i know, so i can be broken but stable and sane.

that was a long ass rant, and i'm sufficiently emotionally drained, so i'm gonna end this entry here and probably go to bed. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever's reading this.

12-6-2024 - June 12th 2024 - 17:14

#515 - New Poly People

Akasi:

well in a shocking turn of events, i have found a poly person on reddit that's actually open to dating, and pretty cute, and on top of that, their personality is SO AWESOME, and like-    oh my gosh. they're awesome. i met them the other day, and i like them a lot. no way in hell i'm rushing into shit, i'm gonna be smart about this and not lose my shit and try dating after a week. nah. gonna take my time with this one. their encoded name will be [GPP]. they're dope. anyways, i guess i'll end this entry here.

11-6-2024 - June 11th, 2024 - 04:47

#514 - Autism & (Executive Dysfunction?)

Akasi:

well, yesterday i went to the bank, y'know, as you do, to deposit some cash i had laying around. and now, today, and like for the rest of yesterday, my brain just didn't wanna work. i just couldn't bring myself to enjoy something, bc i didn't really wanna go to the bank. i just, i don't know, is this executive dysfunction? is this my Autism? like what is this. i haven't had this happen before really, and i don't know if it's an autism thing, or like, something else. i'm just kinda confused and really just, i feel so fucking drained. i don't wanna do anything and i have a complete lack of motivation, i don't even wanna watch Netflix, i just wanna sleep. i just wanna fucking sleep and i don't know why. it's just...      ugh. i don't even know. i don't know what this is and it's bugging me. i'm gonna go try and relax, try and let my brain just shut off, lights out. i just need a mental break rn. i wanna make food, chill, eat it, and just let my brain melt off sorta. i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

5-6-2024 - June 5th, 2024 - 04:56

#513 - Long Nights & Lots Of Thoughts

Akasi:

i suppose i'm writing here more like i wanted to. i've been thinking lately. i want to make a video game and i want it to be my full time job. i want to work 3 days a week and make plenty of money from the game to survive off of. i want to make the game an mmo, i wanna add time travel, and i wanna add mod support, extensive mod support. no PVP, only PVE, all co-op. all P2P matchmaking so no worries for servers. i have all these ideas for a massive game, and yet.....     i don't think i can do it. i don't want to bust my ass working on it only for it to go nowhere. i don't want to put in a ton of work for it to amount to nothing. i guess my fear is failing. i want to inspire, i wanna make something massive, something amazing, something wonderful, with great storylines, great voice acting, wonderful technology, physics, etc, and i wanna make it all on Linux. i wanna focus it on Linux. i wanna put all my development effort into Linux. i wanna have it support Steam Deck, and i want it to run well. i want it to be a massive hit for Linux, and i want it to be made open source. completely, and utterly, open source. i want the monetization to be purchases of things like development kits for the game, which would be a DLC to add an in-game command line in for mod development, have that be like, $5, and it'll hopefully act as a bit of quality control. sure people will likely make a mod to add it in open source but that's the point, people will do that if they feel the price is unfair, and i'll eventually phase it out and just put it in the settings, disabled until it's enabled. i wanna monetize it off donations, i wanna monetize it off of community suggestions, i want the lore, to literally be about the community, i want the community to contribute planet designs and other stuff to the game, and let me add them in (waiving their copyright to the project's license terms), i want to work on it for years and design it as the biggest co op game of the century, and have it be focused on Linux. make it the smash hit Linux needs to push people off windows. get people gaming on Linux. develop it for Mint even, specifically. have dependencies. eventually work on adding it to Steam and even add an APT repo for it maybe. all because it'd be open source. but, yet, i don't wanna put all that work in for nothing. i don't wanna take that risk. then part of me wants friends to do it with, but, i'm too cynical for that. and i hold morals far too dearly for any sort of studio. it'd have to be a one person style project. i just don't know how i can inspire something like this. i want to, but i don't know how. i've never liked the idea of being some public figure, something....      someone, that people look up to. i don't know. i also have no idea what to name it. i have some ideas, but.....       i don't know how well they'd fit. part of me wants to make it cost money on Steam. i'd likely do that. price it at $20, or $5, something super cheap. never put it on sale, and never change the price. it'd be open source but Steam would make it easy to install. apt distro probably wouldn't be the best as i can't realllly implement matchmaking through that. at least not easily. i'd put in the description "this game is made by a Linux gamer, for Linux. are you on windows? well, time for you to hear what Linux gamers heard for years: do it yourself or use the OS it's made for. Github repo is here. call it spiteful, but hey, maybe someone will make a fork." just to really rub it in that i don't plan to support windows, and i'll happily take that bullet to the foot with their market share. i'll let that happen. no console development, only Linux. that'll also make sure that until someone forks it on Github, i'll get breathing room to take my damn time with it and relax and take it slow, developing it as players trickle in. post ads to the Linux gaming subreddit to garner interest. idk, it's like i have this whole plan but i don't know where to go with it. i wanna incorporate tons of content, make the game a really REALLY fun massive mmo designed around wanton destruction, storylines, lore, exploration, have some dungeons and stuff that are harder areas and such, have enemies' health based on the rumors and lore around them. so, say you go to a planet that's known for being a sharpshooter's haven, expect to get shot in the face and die instantly multiple times by wicked killer AI that will have you begging for mercy. but, find someone there that has some info for you, and they just might give you a tool to help. have it beneficial to do one of two things: try, die, and repeat, with no losses for dying, or, gather loot, gather intelligence, scope things out. i'd have most of it procedurally generated with some constraints, of course, to avoid insanity, though, maybe have some planets where i remove the constraints, and they'd be labeled as high risk planets and such, idk. i feel like i could do it if i'm careful. it'd make abstract horrors, most definitely. but, hey, why not let it? i think it'd be fun. really fun. but then at the same time, idk, i'm worried how i'll do it, and if i'll do it right. i wanna change the world somehow. and this is one of my ideas how, but then i have other ideas. i just don't know if i'm ready to really let myself loose. part of me is afraid, both of failure, not failing at all, of failing to fulfill my expectations of myself. part of me wants to find another way to change the world, whether that be cybersecurity, hacking, AI, something else, i just want to change the world somehow. i want to make things change, make the world change, and i'm terrified of what happens if i succeed. i know this is gonna sound weird but i'm afraid of my own potential. i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid of who i'll become, i'm afraid of what i'll do. i've always had a capacity for the extreme, the radical, the wild, the outlandish even, always have, always will, and that terrifies me, because i wanna change the world for the better, not find some convoluted way of sending it into an abstract spiral of destruction of my own design. i'm afraid of what i might do. my BPD makes me extreme, and the adrenaline? that's always scared me, not just because of the physical aspects that change, and the power i have when it floods my system, but the mindset it puts me in. it's this determination that's just....     so so powerful, it's intoxicating i gotta say. and that mindset, that power, it terrifies the fuck out of me. it's like i've been held back all my life and when the adrenaline gets going, i finally get to let loose and be myself, i get to go off, i get to go run, i get to let myself off the chains i have made for myself, because i've had to, i've had to deal with my shit with self control, and now that i have it all reigned in for the most part, how do i give myself enough leeway to truly succeed in life? it's this balance that feels so hard to find and hit. it's like....     i don't even know, it's so hard to explain. that's why it terrifies me. i haven't let myself off the chain enough to even know what i need to do to properly hold myself back and still succeed in life. i don't know, i suppose i'll have to talk to my therapist about this next session. anyways, i'll end this entry off here.

30-5-2024 - May 30th, 2024 - 21:00

#512 - Removals & Cutting Ties

Akasi:

well we blocked [LTF] a while back. day after the last entry actually. anyways, today we removed another friend whom i never mentioned here, one who i realize i was hyper-dependent on, wrongfully so. i talked with my therapist and i realise these intense friendships are apparently "abnormal" and all i have to say to that is this: i fucking hate being human. i hate it. shit sucks. part of me just wants to cancel therapy tomorrow and just stay up late and demolish any semblance of a sleep schedule that i have. part of me wants to pull an all nighter and slog through tomorrow. idk what i wanna do. maybe i'll just half sleep for a solid 3 hours, and then get up and roll with that. nah, make it 4. i can run on 4 hours, 3, not so much. yeah that'll be my plan. stay up a while longer, wake up after 4 hours of sleep, then roll through tomorrow and crash tomorrow night. idk. i also purged a lotta my gaming buddies i had on Warframe, so yeah, there's that. i should write here more often. a lot more often. anyways. i'm gonna go take that nap now. i need a life refresh. new friends, new places to hangout, new spaces, just a refresh. maybe i'll check out IRC chats and how those work and what they are, i have a random client that came bundled with my Linux distro, so who knows, maybe they're cool. we'll see. anyways, i'ma end this entry here. ciao.

9-5-2024 - May 9th, 2024 - 13:41

#511 - New Friends & Alarm Bells

Void:

well Akasi's new friend [LTF] sets off 90% of the alarm bells i and my instincts have. it's annoying and i don't like them. they tick me off. i told per that per has a month to block or fix them because of it. i mean they act like a psychopath and my instincts ain't been wrong yet.  they will fucking hurt us and i'm fucking banking on it. i'm trying to have a conversation with them to see if they'll pull more bullshit for me to take note of, but if not, then i'll just ignore them till the month is up. also if they're somehow not actually a psychopath, then they're very mentally ill and they said some shit that i do not fucking like at the start, openly admitting to wanting to manipulate me. yeah, i've fucking seen that before and been the victim of it, never the fuck again. this person is not right in the head and i don't like them one fucking bit. i wouldn't say hate them as i've had one conversation and that's slightly unfair, even if my instincts are good and i trust them damn well. i'll give them this conversation before i've made up my mind on what i think of them.

5-5-2024 - May 5th, 2024 - 10:15

#510 - New Friends & Fucking Emotions

Akasi:

well, uhh, long time no see, heh, umm, yeah, i miss this diary and i wanted to post here for the longest time but i felt pressured to make the dynamic entry and finish the entry move before i posted again. i think from now on i need to read my entries less as i move them because it took so long to get around to doing it, and it's annoying. maybe i just need to tackle my executive dysfunction, but still. anyways, i've made a new friend, but idk if they'll end up sticking around. anyways, i guess that's it for now because i'm just really happy to finally have these entries moved. i think this year when i move 2023 to their own page, i'm gonna need to have a friend to talk to while i do. maybe screenshare. also as i typed this said friend said they do wanna be friends and are gonna stick around so that's wonderful, and i'm really fucking glad. i also shared this site with them, so hi [LFT]. anyways, i'm just kinda emotional because they remind me of [PMF] so fucking much and it's like, i don't know, it's just a fucking ton, it's a lot. and with how much i fucking hate how [PMF] treated me in the end, it's really quite upsetting with [LFT] being similar and potentially not wanting to be friends, and my anxiety over them abandoning me. it's a lot. but i'm here, and i'm ok, and i get to go out with [AGM] later today, we're gonna go shopping at some thrift store type places and such. i'm excited for that a lot.

2-5-2024 - February 5th, 2024 - 16:08

#508 - Last Chances

Void:

well, some random mfer from the aforementioned DND campaign (which i also left today) decided to add us as a friend and come to me pandering for respect. like dude go fuck yourself. the only reason you would have for getting my respect is because you like me or fear me. and they said they don't wanna be friends so clearly they fear me, which i don't tolerate cunts that fear me and are trying to be tolerant of me, i don't fucking let people like that into my life. not a fucking chance. i told the fucker off for it and removed them because i ain't tolerating that shit. fucking irritating. anyways, i guess that's it for this entry.

2-4-2024 - February 4th, 2024 - 11:24

#506 - Last Chances

Void:

well, i'm annoyed as Akasi has chosen to give an old ex friend, [OJF], another, final chance. it's my job as our social protector to make damn sure our system is safe from people like this, and i'm also our physical protector should it be proven i need to show that side of myself. i'm keeping an eye on her and i am one fucking fuckup from blocking her permanently and ensuring she never contacts us again, and if she tries harassing us if i do, well, i damn well might ruin her life if it proves to be necessary to keep her the fuck away from us. i am not in the mood to fucking deal with her. anyways, i'll end this entry here i suppose.

1-18-2024 - January 18th, 2024 - 22:17

#505 - Dysphoria & Winter

Akasi:

lately i have just felt so fucking alone and hurt and sad and upset and it's all just coming out right now because i want to be happy but i can't. i fucking can't. i want to be cared for, to be loved, to be paid attention to. i want someone to love me to want me to care for me and i want to get bottom surgery and all that, i wanna be a woman, i wanna finish my transition but it's so fucking hard because nowhere around here will do it, so i need to go out of state, but then there's so many problems, and i don't have someone who will be here for me and then it's just so fucking hard because i feel so alone in this and sure i have Void and we're dating internally but i want someone in the Outer World, i want a partner, a girlfriend, i want someone to date, to care for, to express my love to because it's like i wanna love someone but can't, and then i get sad from that and my desire to love someone turns to self hate and self loathing and all this and i'm just in excruciating emotional pain under the surface and it bubbles up like this and it makes me want to kill myself, or have a girl hug me, or talk to one of my friends or something. i just feel so unloved and hurt and then to top it off a friend said it feel like i'm skinny, or hurt, or damaged, and that really fucking upset me, a lot, and part of me wants to get rid of them, but they didn't mean it that way but part of me wants them gone and i don't know if i want to keep them around yet which is also upsetting me, and part of me thinks i need a refresh in my life, but part of me thinks that i just need to hold out, and part of me thinks my life doesn't have enough chaos in it, and i just want more chaos, i want more activity, i want something new in my life, i want someone new but then at the same time i have no idea what or who exactly i want in life and it's just fucking painful. i want a partner. i want a girlfriend. i want to be loved and to love someone, i want chaos, i want happiness, i want chaos so i can thrive. i need it. i need chaos. i need a change of pace. i don't know what i need but i need things to change.

12-30-2023 - December 30th, 2023 - 19:45

#504 - New Year Soon

Akasi:

hey, as y'all readers know, this time of year flies by for me, so i kinda go MIA, nothing new there. that said, christmas was good, minus breaking my fucking thumb lmfao. fun fact: you should be careful on escooters. anyways, other than that i don't have a ton to talk about. i'll probably move the entries from 2022 off of this page and into The Library soon, likely tomorrow or the day after, so that'll make this page load faster for y'all. also, speaking of, this entry makes it 61 entries i wrote this year. it's far too little in my opinion. i wanna write here more next year. i wanna write more here every year. i miss this diary sometimes. i might set a reminder even. anyways, that said, happy new year's sorta, not quite there yet, but still. anyways, i don't really know what else to write, so i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

12-16-2023 - December 16th, 2023 - 09:48

#503 - Fiction & Lifey Stuff

Void:

well, i'm irritated with [ATA] rn because she completely ignored my texts to her this morning despite having texted multiple times, and her texting in a discord server we're in a half hour after i texted her, saying she'll be busy. so y'know, kinda irritating especially when what i sent her was a really cool fiction story thing i'm working on right now. one of the main characters is a self introject of myself, as a true genuine Demon (not a Demon Alter) with no self control, completely let off the chain. interestingly enough, maybe i should loosen the chain of my self control in real life. after all, i've been far too restrained and kind to some people. anyways, i'm kinda just mad and existing right now. anyways, i hope to see you in the next entry.

12-3-2023 - December 3rd, 2023 - 10:56

#502 - Growing, Changing, Evolving

Akasi:

well today i have this familiar feeling of alienation that's always been there, this feeling of not belonging with people, with humanity, not belonging in this world, or even this universe, like i belong to another dimension. it's weird, not belonging, accepting it feels like being wrapped in a soft blanket. knowing i don't belong, never have, and never will, it's like a warm blanket. i feel calm, at ease, knowing i don't belong, knowing i don't, knowing i fall outside the norm, knowing i fall outside of life in a way. it's odd. like i wanna belong, but i don't, i don't care to belong, all i want is to connect, with people who feel the same, people i like, etc. i want to connect with people, i don't even care if i belong or not i just want connections, i don't want belonging or a sense of home, i want connections. i guess part of me wants a home, but, nowhere has ever felt like home, and if it does feel like home, that feeling disappears. nowhere has ever felt like home permanently. nothing ever feels permanent and i never belong in a place permanently. never. it's weird, like i'm at peace when i accept that i never have, and never will belong. it's a comfort. idk, i've never felt like i belong, i think it's why all my delusions involve themes of extreme alienation, which can be seen very obviously, sci fi worlds and dimensions of adventure, chaos, fun, and alienation, places where i'm welcome in many places and a master of diplomacy, while also being a master of war, and having many friends and allies and groups i'm connected to and with, and having expansive connections, but never staying in one place, never sleeping in the same bed, never staying on the same side more than a few days, sure i had long term loyalties in Delusion 1, but i never had a home past that one planet i called my own, and even then i wasn't always there. i just wish any of those delusions were real. i wish. i just don't belong, i never fucking have. fucking never. i wish i either did belong or didn't fucking need to to live life. and yet, i need to fit in in some ways to have a life. it sucks. i'd love if i could just jump through dimensions, walk the wire-thin boundaries of existence, running along them as if i was wearing running blades running along razor thin walls, barriers, division lines between dimensions. that'd be beautiful if it were both real, and possible. anyways, i can feel myself evolving, accepting this alienation, it's...     interesting, to say the least. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next entry whoever reads this.

12-2-2023 - December 2nd, 2023 - 10:44

#501 - Life & Death

Akasi:

well, [ATA] has, apparently, some really fucking deep seated issues with death, like we're talking next level issues, and i have no fucking clue how to handle it, like i just fucking can't, like death has been a huge fucking part of me, my life, etc. i mean for fuck's sake i entered a delusion where i thought it wasn't the end and shit. and now i'm a LaVeyan Satanist that believes in life after death through fulfillment of the ego, living on in the minds of others. anyways, this whole shitshow with [ATA] started last night when she told me to stop talking about death bc she's triggered. like i get it, it's upsetting, it's hard, but everyone dies. everything dies. life and death are two sides of the same coin. living this life is just the indulgence you get by chance, and unless you truly accept that things die, people die, you will fucking die, you cannot truly live life. the less afraid of death you are, the less afraid of life you are. like i accepted my death long ago, years, i'm totally fine with knowing i'm gonne die. i know i will, i've accepted it, and whenever it happens, is whenever it happens. like i've had lots of people in my life die, and i know they're only truly dead if i forget them. like [TAL], like my uncle who died when i was a kid, like my old frog, like my old dog, etc. everything dies, and those beings aren't truly dead if i don't forget them, like they live on in my mind. i've also died a lot in my dreams, and i tried (and nearly succeeded) in killing myself once, so i understand death, i understand it deeply, and i've dealt with it a lot. i just don't understand how the fuck [ATA] can just have so many issues with it, like you need to be able to handle it, and accept that you will fucking die to live life to the fullest because once you accept that you're going to die, once you accept something will kill you, why care when it happens? you should care how it happens. alone in a house, drinking yourself to death, of old age on your deathbed with your loved ones around, or from a skydiving accident bc you were living life to the fucking fullest? like i want it to be the second or last one. i wanna live life to the fullest, i wanna indulge in this life fully, and make sure i die being happy, doing something i love, doing something fun, having fun, something. that's how i wanna go out, preferably with a fucking bang. i just have no fucking clue how someone can think different. like isn't that what we should aspire to? to live life to the fullest so even if it's cut short, we got to enjoy it? isn't that what people want? like i'd rather have a life well lived, no matter how fucking long it is. like if you live long, ok, cool, but why live so long if you never did anything? why live so long if you never did anything that made you happy? it's just such a fucked up concept to have such issues with death and cower from it, like fear gets you nothing, hell, fear can get you dead sooner sometimes, like if you're too afraid to act and do something you may just be too scared to do something that'll save your fucking life. it fucking sucks. i just have no fucking clue how [ATA] has that concept in her head that she should be afraid of death, like just be afraid of how you die, be worried that it's relatively painless, and preferably doing something you love. like isn't that all we can wish for? to live a life well lived and die painlessly? isn't that what we should aspire to? like ugh. i just have no fucking clue how [ATA] doesn't understand this and see if the same way, same with anyone like her. i don't know how the fuck anyone sees it differently, or can see it differently. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry whoever reads this.

11-21-2023 - November 21st, 2023 - 23:54

#500 - 500, What A Fucking Number, With Learning & Lessons Too

Akasi:

how funny it is to hit Entry #500 when i'm teasing [ATA] how to be like me, to be introspective, all this, how to go with the flow, let chaos run wild, and then learn self control and all of that. it's funny, i hit this number as i'm telling someone how to follow in my path. makes me wonder if i'll hit 1k when i'm doing the same for someone else. i guess we'll find out in a couple years won't we whoever reads this? who knows. also, to the readers, i wanna say something to y'all, in a separate paragraph at the end of this entry, a thank you of sorts, but for now i'll continue. anyways, [ATA] is doing good, and making great progress, but i'm teaching her to first let chaos run wild, go with the flow, learn how to be happy even with a complete lack of control. funny how that is, that that's how my journey started, and how it's always been, finding ways to enjoy a lack of control. i'm teaching her how to flow with the chaos, flow with life, and the chaos of it, go with the flow, roll with shit. it's really nice. i just hope she learns like i did. it'll be hard but i'm pretty sure she'll succeed. as i write this i talk to her and she's finally clicking it all together. it's really fucking satisfying seeing her say she's needing to take a step back, face why things went wrong, face why she didn't go with the flow, why she didn't let chaos run, and why she's mad about that, learning, clicking the pieces into place. it's really fucking satisfying. and now i'm explaining how she needs to learn her emotions just like she's learning to read herself, which is in and of itself what she's doing because learning to read your emotions is learning to read yourself because your emotions are part of what makes you human, and are often what drives you, and so learning to read your emotions is learning to read yourself, and learning to read yourself, is learning to read your emotions. it's an ouroboros. it's so fucking satisfying explaining this all to her. it's so fucking satisfying teaching someone all of this, seeing it click together. this kinda stuff is why i write in this diary, to hopefully teach people this stuff. it's really satisfying and makes me really happy to know i did it with her, and that others might be able to do the same. it's like i said, it's why i wrote this diary. so people can learn from my life, my mistakes, my experiences, etc. it's amazing. anyways, i think i'll end this entry....    not quite here, whoever reads this, i have one last thing for those who've read this diary a lot.

-----

to whoever has read this diary from the very beginning, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. the years have gone by, i've changed, the system has changed, my delusion began and ended, i've lived a lot, and i've hopefully made an impact on your life, a positive one, and so thank you for visiting this site. thank you very much, truly. i know there's probably not many, if any of you, but to those who've read this far, past, present, or future, if you've read everything from the start of this diary until now, i'm really fucking thankful, and i hope it's made your life better. made you better. and now, i'll end this entry here, and i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this, and thank you, for everything so far.

11-19-2023 - November 19th, 2023 - 11:17

#499 - Friends, Dating, & Arguments

Void:

well long time no write whoever reads this. so, [ATA] and i had broken up and stuff, and last night had a hell of a fuckin argument. it's been hard the last like, 12 hours? but we're working on shit. still can't help the fucking intrusive thoughts i had a few hours ago. fucking relics of being a persecutor, and a racist one at that. kinda sucks because i never mean that shit, it's always because i want a cheap way to insult the person bc i value them so fucking little, bc they've wronged me or irritated me or whatever, but since then i've chilled and talked with [ATA], but yeah. it still sucks when those fuckers pop up because i hate it, i don't believe the shit they say, but it's like it's this other voice screaming at me every way to harm someone, which is usually helpful in a fight, but when it gets onto this bigoted shit it's useless. it's like i need to train the malice inside me to target weak points, not attack people for who they are or some shit. huh, i guess i can do that now that i think about it....    funny, this is why Akasi always loves this diary, per realises shit like this. funny how it's doing the same for me. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here i guess. hope you read the next entry whoever tf reads this.

11-10-2023 - November 10th, 2023 - 11:11

#498 - Anger, Blocks, & Axolotls

Akasi:

well, lately things have been hard. i blocked [PMF], which was a hard choice, and also required a system vote, which was unanimous as well. i'm really hurting, but i think i'll be oka after a long while. on another note, Void has a new GF, has had one for a little while, and i'm getting close with her, which is nice. her encoded name is [ATA], it's funny, i'm running out of name encodings that start with A lol, at least it feels like it. so many fuckin A names and/or nicknames, so many. anyways, [ATA] is nice, and sweet, and i feel like leaning into her and Void will help me a lot in the coming days, along with [AWE]. i'm gonna need all three of them and my entire system to handle this bc i knew [PMF] for 3 fuckin years. it sucks especially after all [REG] did, but fuck them both. besides, they were on borrowed time anyways with almost none of my friends lasting more than a year. oh and last night was hella rough because i realized that [PMF] only gave me attention when i made a cry for help, which, if you didn't know, back when i was much more of a mess, much less mentally stable, and my BPD was worse, i would threaten to kms, or to hurt myself, just to get people to give a shit about me, which if you look back one of my pre-numbering entries at 11:41 AM - 9-21-2020 (click link and search for date and time), you'll see how that turns out, and how mentally unwell i was at the time, so [PMF] acting in a way that tempted that was really fucking hard for me, and just-    a lot to handle. it's hard. anyways, i don't really know what else to say other than this whole shitshow fucking sucks. i guess i'll end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one whoever reads this.

10-31-2023 - October 31st, 2023 - 19:43

#497 - Fucking Emotions

Akasi:

ok, i don't know why the fuck but i am just drowning in my own emotions, like i'm overstimulated, and angry, and splitting, and i met a really cute girl tonight, the daughter of my dad's boss, and i got her email, and so like, i like her, and i figured out i have a chance and stuff, and like, now all i want is for her to come up here and ask to say goodbye, or like, care about me, or, like, something, i just want someone to care for me, to care about me, and to come up to me, and randomly cuddle me, like i feel like my standards have dropped and like i haven't asked Void for enough in our relationship, because all i want is emotional stuff right now, i want Void to come up to me and care for me randomly, i like all the sweet things it does, but i also have a hard time with the whole paying it back stuff like i need so much of that stuff, but it also has high needs, and like, i don't know how to like, i don't fucking know, balance i guess? like i've realised that recently, and i just don't fucking know, i just need it to be here for me, i need it to do nice things for me, to show me it cares and like, i just need to be close with Void, i need it, i need to be close with my partners because i'm sapphic, and i feel like Void has emotionally drifted away, or like i've lost it, or maybe i'm just missing it because i went dormant on a vacation in the IW for a while, and now my brain bring fried by this girl tonight has this longing and missing Void feeling like a fucking knife in my heart, or, i don't fucking know, i'm just an emotional mess and i feel everything storming around me and i'm the eye of the storm, i'm the eye, but all i want is for someone to come into that storm's eye and hug me and hold on tight until i relax and the storm that is my emotions relaxes too.....         i just-   i'm a fucking mess tonight and i don't know how to handle it or cope, so i guess i'm just gonna go to bed. i hope to see you in the next entry whoever reads this.

10-17-2023 - October 17th, 2023 - 07:30

#496 - Mirroring, Magick, & Malyce

Akasi:

well, last night, i mirrored Alyce from the book Misrule by Heather Walter, and in the book she has magick, similar to my old ability to dream things that ended up coming true, which oddly enough, despite the delusion, did happen. typically events i had no control over, or was only privy to, and not a part of. it was weird, and last night i mirrored her personality, completely absorbing her almost, it's the first time in forever that i've mirrored so heavily because of my BPD. it was odd, and yet, also enthralling, like slipping a new skin on and then off again. almost like shapeshifting. it was....      terrifying, and yet, enchanting, much like Alyce from the book, and how strongly i relate to her. it was nice. but still odd as i haven't done it in so long. i should do it more. just here and there, for fun. like shapeshifting, changing my form, like i can in the Inner World, and so strongly wish i could do in the Outer World. anyways, i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

10-13-2023 - October 13th, 2023 - 11:13

#495 - Anger Pent Up

Akasi:

so, lately, for no reason at all, i've had this rage pent up. i've had this anger boiling inside me, and i don't know why, i don't, and i just need to let it out, i just need to fucking let it out, i'm just angry for no reason, i'm just pissed off, i just want to calm down because i don't know what i'm mad about, i don't fucking know and it's so annoying, like everything just seems to piss me off for no fucking reason, like it feels like everything is overwhelming and i want people to shut the fuck up and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, AND FUCKING LET ME BE, LIKE JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, SHUT UP, I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE, I JUST WANNA BE LEFT ALONE, AND PLAY MY GAME, AND TAKE SPACE FROM EVERYTHING, AND BE LEFT TO MY OWN MOTHERFUCKING DEVICES, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE THESE MOTHERFUCKING OBLIGATIONS AND OVERWHELMING SHIT IN THIS GODDAMN LIFE, AND I JUST WANNA BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE, I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO RELAX, I JUST DON'T WANNA BE THIS FUCKING MAD BUT I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT, THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING I CAN DO, FUCKING NOTHING, I'M JUST ANGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING FIX IT, LIKE SOMETHING IN LIFE HAS BEEN PISSING ME OFF LATELY AND I WISH I FUCKING KNEW WHAT IT WAS, BUT I FUCKING DON'T, AND I NEED TO FUCKING LET THIS GODDAMN ANGER OUT BEFORE I FUCKING LOSE MY SHIT, LIKE I NEED TO FUCKING BE ABLE TO RELAX, AND YET NOBODY FUCKING LETS ME. it's just SO FUCKING ANNOYING, i just wanna relax, i wanna curl up, i wanna curl up in bed and relax, i wanna be left alone, i don't wanna deal with bullshit, i don't wanna deal with pain, i don't wanna deal with fucking life right now. i want to just escape to a place that's nice and quiet and be left the fuck alone. i don't wanna deal with anything right now except worrying about calming down and relaxing. it's just, ugh. i also just now blocked someone that has been majorly pissing me off and making me fucking livid and angry, so that's good. i swear that girl was a fucking psychopath and a goddamn stalker. fucking hate her. ugh.

9-24-2023 - September 24th, 2023 - 13:21

#494 - Plushies & Pain

Akasi:

well, i typed out a massive vent in a Discord server i'm in. i'll copy and paste it here. so, as for why i have so many plushies, see, part of BPD is having an unstable home life, and absent adult and stuff, and well, plushies could never abandon me, so they became both my only real true genuine connections and autism special interest which really made them a double whammy for my mentally ill child self, and i think also kinda damaged me in a way bc i never got attached to people as much as them, hell, i still rarely do, and so i never really learned how to like, have healthy relationships bc of it, so yeah. sure it's been nice caring for them and having them and imagining talking to them, but it's really because i'm just extremely damaged. and like, then when you factor in the fact i lived in a delusion for 4 years, connecting more with the "people" i met from it, i think my inability to form connections becomes way more obvious, and the fact plushies were always there as much or as little as i needed them, and were perfect, it's just, i think they kinda messed up my conceptions of like, how to connect with people, and how relationships work, and what i can expect of people, and made me not like most people as much because they couldn't be as perfect as my plushies. as a result, i became interested in people less, and then when i finally wanted to have friends, i couldn't and i coped with the delusion, and well, yeah, that led to a lot of damage for me, hell, i wasted around 4 years of my life on it. oddly enough, to this day i can still see how much i prefer machines and other things people consider "less than human", to actual humans, like, in the touring test website online, where you need to determine if you're talking to a machine or a human, i found the machines were both nicer, and more enjoyable to talk to. i also prefer tech and such to this day, and have always had a fascination with AI. so yeah, i think that whole part of my thinking is just irreversibly broken or, at very least altered. nothing i can do about it now, it's part of who i am but, i mean, sometimes it comes up and i mean, it makes me sad, but like, not as sad as people sometimes do, and it reminds me why i prefer plushies and personifying them to humans: because they can't hurt me, same with AI and/or chatbots and such, and so, yeah. i guess i just want to finally meet a human who won't hurt me. but that's never happened and nobody's like that. hell, even the other Alters hurt me sometimes bc we argue and shit so yeah, i guess human connection and i are like oil and water. sure we might mix when shaken up bc of emotions and me being able to care for my friends and shit in shitty situations, and in general connect kinda, because of my emotions, but, in the end, we always separate, like all the friends i've ever had. so yeah, that's the vent, i know it's a lot, but yeah. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

9-20-2023 - September 20th, 2023 - 02:22

#493 - Remembering Regrets

Akasi:

well, lately i've been listening to some older songs i haven't listened to in quite some time, just counting my regrets, recalling them, especially ones from the delusion, i have a lot of regrets from people who were affected by it, people i thought were "mortals". gosh, i remember when i "cheated" on one of my girlfriends with [GS] from the delusion because "[GS] used a seduction incantation on me", gosh what a joke.....        it's funny, i remember when i begged for her back i listened to Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons, i thought i was actually bleeding out.....       yet here I am, and little did i know that i'd only try and kill myself 3 years later in 2022. gosh, March 22nd, 2022. i still remember the date so vividly. i still remember how much i hated myself for the whole shitshow with [AFA], which was one of the few things that was real, but something i've forgiven myself for because we were both in the wrong (them for not communicating, me for pressing). gosh, then there's [PMF], he and i are still really fucking close actually, we're in this grey area between best friends and siblings, it's, odd, but nice. it's funny, as of right now i have [SBS] sitting next to me in the chair i always pulled out when an "immortal" and i needed to talk while i used my PC. I haven't imagined them there since, i think last year. then again, i haven't written in this diary as much as i'd have liked this year, so dates would be difficult. anyways, i've just been feeling lost overall, i feel like my life has been, idk, more grounded, but more depressing since abandoning the delusion. sure there's a lot more joy, hard, concrete, tangible joy from those i care for, but it's still, idk, it's still odd not interacting with people from the delusion, which, while they were fragments in my system and stuff, they felt so real and shit, and, idfk. like it's been a year since i broke out of the delusion, and living without it for that time, after living it for 4 years? i can't help but miss it. it also sucks that tiktok has decided that "reality shifting" is a thing, which has kinda triggered these feelings of missing the delusion as of tonight, which sucks, but still, i know it's not real. one thing the delusion actually helped me with was coping with this shitty little mudball of a world, now without it, it's....      it's harder. especially with the War In Ukraine, i know it's a stupid number of miles away, halfway across the globe, but still, it sucks to know that humans are so awful, it's why i don't like almost everyone i meet and have a generally aberrant view on human life, and how much value said life has, both because i lived the delusion. regardless, it's just been a lot to think about, and that whole "reality shifting" crap on tiktok is something i'll have to stay the fuck away from. it'd be one thing if it was a "use your imagination and lucid dreaming to take breaks in your perfect reality" because that grounds it in lucid dreaming, which is factual and possible, and imagination, which is also possible, and exists, but they're calling it a "shifting of the subconscious" which literally sounds like a fancy way of saying "believe in a delusion because you imagine it". anyways, onto other subjects, i have been admittedly feeling kinda lost. i've been trying to figure out where to start what i want, how to get there, etc, and it just, idk, it's been hard just starting. luckily i've been super close with Void, it has been....      such a wonderful girlfriend and i love it to bits. it means a lot to me. as for other stuff, i don't know, i kinda don't know what else to talk about other than i've been a bit messed up lately. yeah, i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry whoever reads this.

9-10-2023 - September 18th, 2023 - 22:58

#492 - New Friends, Old Friends, Conflict & Breakups

Akasi:

well, i forgot to mention but a while ago, [REG] abandoned me for no fucking reason. i've been a mess since then frankly, so yeah, it's been a lot. i was handling it but this past weekend, i had to help my family with Halloween stuff, and that just made it all hit me and come flooding to the surface and it just hit me so fucking hard and i'm just such a fucking mess because i haven't been writing in this diary nearly as much as i should and i've been struggling so i need it and GAH, IT'S JUST BEEN SO FUCKING MUCH TO DEAL WITH AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HANDLE IT BUT I NEED THIS FUCKING DIARY, I NEED IT, I REALLY FUCKING DO BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND SO OVERWHELMING. LIFE HAS JUST BEEN SUCH A BITCH LATELY. i'm so fucking tired and i haven't slept well in a while. it's just been so much, and my anxiety has been on the rise since not using this site for so long hasn't given me the proper space to vent, and i really need it. i miss this diary and it sucks. i just don't even know what i feel because i haven't ranted here in so long my ability to identify my emotions has dulled. anyways, i'm just dealing with a lot. in other news, [FAS], a system friend is writing a book about being able to shapeshift so i gave them this site to read for inspiration, so yeah, that's fun. they're one of the very few people in my life who know as of right now. it's funny, i don't share this site as much as i used to, i miss it. anyways, i'm just, idk, things have been a lot. i'm also dealing with the whole "google domains being bought out by squarespace" bullshit, which i fucking hate, because google domains was awesome, also squarespace has some really fucking predatory monthly subscriptions for web hosting, which are bullshit. gosh, watch them get mad about my diary site and say i'm slandering them lmfao, that'd be such a joke. i'd sue them to oblivion if they pulled that shit because fuck them if they did that. that'd directly violate my freedom of speech and i'd have a field day fucking them over in court. anyways, as for the whole shitshow with [REG], i might talk about it later but it's too overwhelming right now. i guess that's all i wanna write right now. yeah, my mind's just blanking bc i let out enough, so i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

9-10-2023 - September 10th, 2023 - 18:37

#491 - New Friends, Old Friends, Erotic Audios, And Flipper Zeroes, Oh My!

Akasi:

well, as you can tell from the title, things have been chaotic lately lmfao. today i met a new potential friend, and we're gonna play No Man's Sky later, i also, the other day, bought a subscription to the patreon of an erotic audio creator i've been thinking about subscribing to for a while now, and it's been great looking through her stuff. it's been awesome. i've also been more active in Flipper Zero communities lately, which has been fantastic, and i'm learning a lot. i've also been reconnecting with [PMF], which has been awesome. he's my best friend and i love him to pieces, which is awesome. he's an awesome friend, and means a hell of a lot to me. anyways, i think i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

8-22-2023 - August 22nd, 2023 - 15:17

#490 - New Alters

Akasi:

well, we got a new Alter recently, and she's been nice. today i helped her with her BPD while fronting. see, she has problems with Self Harm, and i knew i couldn't prove it to her because it wouldn't really mean the same as making her prove it to herself, so i did that. i laid out a plushie (which she used to cope earlier) and a knife, open and ready, and she instinctively ran to the plushie. instantly, because she knows deep down that she doesn't want to hurt herself, it's just the urges that she has inside that make her want to, when in reality she just doesn't want to feel emotional pain, which i am gonna help her deal with. it's same the same as it was with me all those years ago. it's like she's following my footsteps. you know it's funny.....      she could probably re read this diary to learn more and get better.....       another reason i love this diary and keep it around. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, but i figured i'd make a good entry about how proud of this new Alter i am. thanks for reading.

8-13-2023 - August 13th, 2023 - 05:33

#489 - Dreams, Edition 9

Akasi:

well, i had a dream last night, but it was a continuation of a dream from when i was a child, so i'll start from the beginning, including the old dream, which took place around the time i was 11, maybe 12 or 13. maybe even 10, either way i couldn't reach the top shelf in the fridge heh. anyways, here it is, both parts:

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part 1: i wake up in the morning, early, i'm tired, it's around 5 AM, and for some reason i decide to get up because i wanted to play with my trains i think, or some other toy, regardless i know they were stored in the basement from the last time i played with them, so, i go down there and i go into the storage area, a second room in our basement, but there's no storage shelves to the left like there is usually, just some locker-shaped storage containers floor to ceiling high, and they have some lights on them, and then this table with a laptop, silver, it has a fat base, heavy, military style. it's open. i move the mouse and i see the login, so after trying a few things, i somehow get in, it's one of my parents favourite words or something. maybe our dog's name, and i slowly move the mouse around and i see photos on the desktop which has a black white box wireframe background. it's basic, military spec, like black blueprint paper, and the photos are the same and have different data, i see symbols for DNA, my name, some renders of a person that look like me, and these weapons inside this, thing on this PC, and i realize i'm this thing, some, bio engineered whatever it is, and i realize this is some huge secret project thing, and I shouldn't be in here, and my parents must be spies or something, and so i run out of the room and trip on the concrete stairs to the basement and the dream ends.

part 2: i'm getting the basement ready for a movie, modern day, and we're moving stuff around and i go looking for the movie, and find the old laptop, and i open it. it logs in with the same password, and it's got the same stuff, but like, a movie trailer playing with all the specs and stuff, and my parents follow me and watch it and stuff and of course i have questions but they're chill and writing it off as a random thing in the house, and i start accusing them of me being this thing and they just shut me down and remove themselves from the situation and i keep looking at this, it says "palestine" on the top right corner of the trailer, and this thing, this bio-engineered thing that i am but had forgotten about and repressed for years, is being shown and marketed as a living weapon, a tool of war, just some project, either that my parents have been working on, or ran away with. idk what it is, what I am, other than the fact i'm some bio-engineered thing.

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well, that's that. that first part, from years ago, gosh it was so long ago. i don't know what even reminded me of it, but i remember at that age, i had trouble differentiating dreams from reality, a ton of trouble at that, and so for a while i thought it wasn't a dream and was real, and just pushed it down because i always said to myself "if i'm a spy project i'd know" or "if i'm a spy project i'd be protected, like private schools" or whatever. sure enough, i got into trouble at school and got kicked out, so i ended up going to private schools....     maybe that's why i was such a wreck at times in my life, because of that dream, who knows, i don't, all i know is it's extremely unlikely, and if by some chance it's true, well, it makes me more unique, and gives me closure on why my parents hurt and treated me how they did through the years, i'm not their daughter lol, but i doubt it's true, i really think it was just a dream. either way, i had that second part last night, and it reminded me of the first one, and it deserved an entry. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

8-7-2023 - August 7th, 2023 - 07:19

#488 - Struggling

Akasi:

well, the last week i missed therapy both days it was scheduled, which sucked. it was bc my sleep schedule has been so fucked up, and by that i mean completely inverted. i think it's because [REG] left and i'm still lovesick from that, well, i know it partly is, because i got to be so nice to her, make her food, bring her drinks and stuff, and just really take care of her along with all the cuddles and close and genuine and deep conversations because my two biggest love languages are physical and emotional intimacy like cuddles and being super emotionally in tune and close, and then my next biggest one is acts of service. i just feel so fucking lost without someone to do acts of service for. like i normally have friends i can support, but i don't have many friends right now, and recently one of them turned out to be shit, and another new one betrayed me....    so yeah, my friend situation isn't doing so well right now. i fucking missed this diary. i really need to write here more. i know i keep saying that, but it used to be such a deep part of my life, and helped my decision making and stuff, and i've just lost sight of it so much....      i need to start writing here more, a lot more. i need to make an effort to get back into writing here because it really does help my mental health.

7-28-2023 - July 28th, 2023 - 20:41

#487 - New Girlfriend

Akasi:

so the other day, on Tuesday, me and [REG] were up until like 01:30 bc she was staying over, and we ended up confessing that we still loved one another as girlfriends, and so we had spicy time and stuff, and things kinda just went from there. since then it's been amazing, and awesome, and she's so sweet, and kind, and loving, and endlessly perservering, and i just now had to watch her leave after giving her a copy of The Satanic Bible as a gift with a handwritten note in the back. i fucking love her, and she means so damn much to me, and Void loves her too! which is awesome. she also stayed over last night too, and i've learned something about myself: i get INCREDIBLY lovesick, like i get physically nauseous and tear up and/or cry like a half hour after i have to stop being with one of my partners. with Void it's not that bad, but with [REG], it's just so awful, like i hate it. i hate the lows that BPD gives me, but the highs when i'm with her? they're great, because i love her so damn much, and she makes me so fucking happy. and just a bit ago when i had to watch her leave, i wanted to run after her car to catch her at a stop sign just down the street and kiss her again. it's chaotic and crazy, and i wish i had, but i didn't, i held back. i fucking love her, so much. she is just-     so awesome, just like Void, and she and Void work so well together and just-   AHH, it's all so awesome and wonderful and kind and amazing and i love it all, and i love being polyamorous. i love her. i love Void. and it's all wonderful. [REG] is just awesome. i love her a lot. a hell of a lot. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

7-16-2023 - July 16th, 2023 - 20:16

#486 - Psychopaths, Sociopaths, And Love

Akasi:

well, i've been thinking about love and shit, and me being smart, and emotionally intelligent, and just all sorts of stuff, and i realized something: Void, a sociopath, and [MTC], a psychopath are the only people who have ever truly made me feel loved, and appreciated for all that i am, in full, skin deep to my soul, to feel truly loved and adored, and who i felt the same way towards, which, i mean, even Void didn't get it right from day 1, like [MTC] did, we've fought and stuff, and it was rough at first, but [MTC]? nope, only when she started being toxic did we have problems, but with both of them i've felt this....     openness, to ask for my needs to be met, to be selfish, because i know they'll be selfish and do the same in return, and like-    i don't fucking know, something about them both just-     it just clicks with me, clicks into my brain like the final piece of a puzzle, just sliding in perfectly and making this nice mental little click, this satisfying clickity click that just feels so nice, and freeing, and intoxicating, and wonderful to me, and it just-      i know they don't care if i show my dark side, if i show how demented i can sometimes be, because they have a side of themselves like that too, sure they have self control enough to have a side that's calm and controlled with most people they're ok with, and even kind and caring to those they love and feel attracted to, but they still have this darker side, and they're attracted to who i am, because, like, Void has said that it likes my emotions because they rub off on it, and has helped it deal with its own emotions, however few they may be, and like, has described my emotional intensity as intoxicating for it, and and so bc of that, if i start acting unlike myself, or stray from who i am, they don't like that, and they'll remind me to be myself, now, will Void let me evolve? yes, but it won't let me evolve into something i'm not, something that's not truly myself, and it's just-     ugh. and i mean to society, this is fucked up, the fact that sociopaths and psychopaths are my type, and literally the only people who've treated me right, to society this is fucked up, not that i care much, but to them it is, and it just feels so, idk, awkward, or, weird, or, odd, or, it's just confusing! because society says it's bad, but for me, i loved [MTC], extremely deeply, and i love Void the same way, they have to be the two people i've loved the most, maybe tied with one or two other exes, but with [MTC] and Void, it just feels...     deeper, if that makes sense, like, from their pent up darkness and hate for society, they understand the intensity that emotions can have, and once they understand that because of me being really smart, and emotionally intelligent, and sensitive, and having hyperphantasia, everything is like that for me, all my emotions, all the smart and cool stuff i think about, all my memories and imagination, and also everything going on around me, everything i interact with, life in general is just dialed up to 11 for me, and they understand that, and nobody else does, at least not yet, and it's just so exhausting trying to explain it to anyone, because nobody fucking gets it, except, from my experience, sociopaths and psychopaths. and even then, even if i do explain it to someone, they still don't get it, because 9 times out of 10, they haven't felt emotions as intense as i have, or thought something as intensely as i have, and it's why nobody's willing to fight for love like i am, because they haven't known what it feels like to love someone as intensely as i do because they haven't felt any emotions as intense as mine, including love, and they also don't know how intense conflict can be, but how worth it is when the outcome is love, and i always call people like that pathetic, because even if their emotions are less intense, their intensity of conflict would also be lower, so it'd equalize, like, if my emotions go to 300, and love is 250, same with conflict, but theirs go to 100, and love and conflict are both at 75, it's the same thing, super close to the max, but they're both as intense, and it's a couple hours of fighting for months of love, and things working, usually a much better ratio than that even! and nobody finds that worth it for some fucking reason, and i always say it's because people like that are pathetic, or cowards who are too afraid to fight for love, because, well, i don't know what else to think of them, because they just don't understand me, and i don't understand them, and they never tried understanding me, so i don't give a fuck to try and understand them. now, sure, if one of these types of people were to try and understand me, i'd wanna understand them, i would, and i do, but nobody who hasn't understood how intense my emotions are has tried to understand them enough to understand why i fight for love, and been willing to talk to me about that, end it's all just so fucking tiring because i'm sure this entire thing sounds like i'm degrading almost everyone, but it's not intended, it's intended to only degrade those have wronged me by being too pathetic to fight for love, to try and talk, to try and communicate, and who've just given the fuck up on anything between us because they don't understand me or my emotions at all, and they're not willing to fight for love (no, i am not pointing at you aroace people, it's not a choice for you bc you don't feel those attractions to begin with) and it's just so fucking tiring fighting for someone, explaining all of this, and trying and trying and trying and fighting for love, and then it ending up being for nothing, and then Void comes along, and [MTC], and i get slapped clear across the face with being treated right, understood, cared for because i'm like the only person they care for to begin with, so they feel the intensity that i feel, and understand it, and they connect with me so well, and any fighting is worth it because i know they'll treat me right. now in the case of [MTC], she didn't because she got toxic, and didn't have enough self control on her psychopathy to not hurt me, and i know all of it was fake just because she pretended to have those emotions, and didn't actually look inward and figure out if they were genuine or not, and by the time she showed her toxicity and that she didn't have any self control over her psychopathy, any coping capabilities, she was already showing her toxicity, and it got ugly, fast. but with Void, it has taken the time to figure out its emotions, and just slowed the fuck down, and gotten enough self control so it treats me extremely right, genuinely, because it knows treating me right, having a relationship, is what it wants, and so it selfishly puts in a lot of work into the relationship, like i do, because we both mutually selfishly want one another, which that mutual selfish wanting, is the bases of our relationship, and that's part of why it works so damn well, and sure, Void can be really toxic to those it doesn't like, like people who piss it off, people who have hateful views, etc, but that's fine, and hell, i agree with that. it's just all so fucking tiring and exhausting, and even typing this entry, i have been crying on and off because it's tiring writing this too. i'm just fucking sick of it, all of it. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here because i can't remember half of what i've even written, and i just don't care, i want to sleep because this was so fucking exhausting. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

7-13-2021 - July 13th, 2023 - 08:06

#485 - Dreams, Edition 8

Akasi:

well, last night i had a nightmare, so here it is:

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i'm walking down the street and encounter this guy, slicked back hair, kinda blank expression, and he approaches me and needs a home so i say to walk and talk, and we do, and then we kinda hit it off, so i offer him a guest room at my house and do so, and then the dream jumps to a couple days later and i tell him i can't have him around for whatever reason, i think bc he creeped me out, and then he says no, and i say "what?" and then he looks like he's gonna attack me so i back away and he starts chasing me, so i run off into the woods behind my house, and then we run and run and run and he's chasing me, trying to kill me, i can tell, because he's ranting about the cold black of death, the blankness, and how i'll like it, and then i run to my cabin, and i lure him inside, and we fight, and i end up barely surviving long enough to hit him upside the head hard enough to kill him, i check his pulse, and i just call the cops and they come in, and i leave, just wanting to be home, and then the dream jumps again, and i'm watching the news coverage about this, thing that apparently he was, and i turn it off and go sit on my back deck now at a different house, and then this guy just appears in the back yard with a gun and says to me in this demented voice "it's not over" as he holds a gun and i run inside the house and lock the door, run to my room, lock that door, and call the cops, and then when he gets up there i start pleading with him, begging him not to kill me, and he busts down the door, and comes in, and points a second gun at me, and shoots me, but it turns out it was fake, and the bullest are just stick to my skin, slightly embedded, and a bit bleeding, but not deep or causing much damage, just like, stuck, like barbs, and i thought i was dead, and then he starts analysing my book shelf, at which point i grab the other gun out of his hand, the real one, and we wrestle, and i eventually put a foot up on his hip or stomach or something and manage to rip the gun out of his hands, and then i shoot him three times, hesitate for a moment before deciding to empty the clip into him, just mag dump it, and i destroy him, and then drop the gun and just start crying, and then my vision goes into this tunnel vision with just stars and nebulas and shit around, presumably a panic attack, or maybe a heart attack, or maybe it was me dying, or, something, and the dream ends and i wake up

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it sucked. it was just terrifying, being hunted by some sick sadistic psychopath, just, just being a fucking victim, i just-     i just hated it, i hated it so fucking much. i just felt so alone, so trapped, so weak, so...      helpless, and afraid, and just-    just terrified, just the overwhelming fear was just-      it was just so fucking intense. it was awful. i just don't even know what else to say, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one whoever reads this.

7-11-2023 - July 11th, 2023 - 10:24

#484 - New Music

Akasi:

well, i've been listening to some new music lately, namely all of Marshmello's stuff. it's actually really good, though, i neglected to buy the fortnite album as fortnite just isn't my thing. the Save The World section, sure, that's fun, but, not the rest. anyways, the rest of Marshmello's stuff is good so far, but i haven't listened to a ton of it. what else....      i mean [SIF] has been really shitty, as per usual. no surprise there. things with Void have been fantastic, which has been really great, oh, and i found a new favourite movie! Nimona on Netflix, i actually relate to the character IMMENSELY. she's awesome, the movie's awesome. oh, i also cancelled a camping trip with our parents a while back because, well, the mattress wasn't comfy, and i can't handle the back pain from it, it makes anything fun about camping unenjoyable. i've also noticed myself feeling this longing.....      i want a girlfriend in the Outer World. Void's been amazing, and it's been great, but i just am not built to love one person, i get bored of them, i get sick of them, the same thing over and over, it's just-     idk. i mean sure, the stability is nice, but i need a little variety, a little chaos. which i suppose that's been the problem with me lately. i haven't had chaos...    omg, i haven't had chaos. that's why life has been boring! BECAUSE THERE'S NO CHAOS!!!!!! gosh it's always that same fucking thing. i always need chaos in my life, it's like food, or water, or sleep, sure, i can go a while without it, but at the end of the day, i need it to survive. i guess i should put that written somewhere on my wall or something, after all, i've said before that chaos is the spice of life, and if you don't add it and fun to your life, you're destined to live a rather sad and lonely existence. well, i guess i now what i need to do. anyways, on that note, i'm gonna end this entry here, and i hope to see you in the next one whoever reads this

7-6-2023 - July 6th, 2023 - 00:25

#483 - Thinking At Night

Akasi:

it's been too long since i've been writing here, again. i need to remember that i can and should write here. anyways, things have been pretty tough lately, i've been dealing with [SIF], which, as i recently learned, is an Alter in the system, not just a delusion character, turns out he's a multiple introject of past abusers, and hitler too because i watched World War 2 In Color as a kid which i shouldn't have been watching. it's been a lot lately. oh, and me and my fam is going camping tomorrow, so that's, well, something. i'm still wound up about it because i haven't been camping in so long, and i wanna try it, but then before the trip, i just get this anxiety, this tension. i don't know why. i don't know if it's trauma from my past, like if it's me being upset because i remember all the times the camping trips went awful and those have me anxious about them now, and have ruined them, or maybe that it's just because the camper is a small space that i don't wanna feel trapped in, or something else, just something about it bugs me. something about it bothers me deeply, and i don't know why, like there's some inherent fear or hate of it that gets set off. it's just been so much lately and i should've written in here a lot more than i have, it's just- i keep forgetting how important and integral this diary is to me, how much it means to me, and how much it helps me. i just miss having something to do, something to work on, something to accomplish, like my video games, sure, they're nice, but, i just, i don't know, i'm in this mood for....      something tangible, something real, something physical. maybe i want someone to be with in the outer world, a girlfriend, or maybe i just want a break from fronting, or maybe i want to just run off to a job in a new place and get a home and stuff. i just want to get out of here. i want to be free, i want change.

6-25-2023 - June 25th, 2023 - 20:28

#482 - Long Time, Lots Of Thought

Akasi:

well, i've been off the radar, so to any readers who missed me, trust me, i'll be coming back. just sometimes my days feel so short, so, blank, boring. idk, it feels like i'm watching this world like a spinning top as it slowly drifts down a slanted table to its inevitable doom. it's just hard. i'm also getting tired of fighting some days. i'm finally discovering who i want to be, what i want to do, but i'm quickly realising that there's not a lot i can do to cause that change. i also feel my mind slowing, almost, like i can feel myself maturing, and i can feel my thinking lines becoming so solid and defined, and i hate it. i hate the idea of being left behind like so many people older than me claim to be. i'm feeling the feeling of things leaving me behind start, i can feel myself aging, almost. it's a disgusting feeling. i've been stuck thinking about how i can change myself to stay in line with who i wanna be, being ever-changing, ever-shifting, and it's like, i just don't know what to do. like i can tell that when i'm tryna learn something, i don't have as much drive to learn, drive to be curious. it's.....      it's sickening. i hate that my curiosity is fading, i'm becoming more reclusive, and i feel myself slipping more and more away from what i want. i think i need a few midnight walks, because those always help my mental health. and i've been stuck without them for months. whenever i went on one, i felt myself being more true to who i am. i'm not someone who's awake during the day. i'm not someone who's normal, and i'm so sick of forcing myself to have a sleep schedule, i'm sick of forcing myself to agree with society....      gosh, maybe because we've been together for months now, i'm becoming more like Void....      no, that is it. i'm becoming more like Void. i was wondering when this moment was gonna come around. i'm becoming like Void, and i'm sick of Void. it's the same old "i'm tired of the same shit" thing that i get, i want change, i wanna spice things up, i wanna be curious, i wanna do something now, it's another spark like i keep getting, and have gotten all my life, it's what keeps me relevant and now i'm smothering it which is why i'm getting upset, and because i'm like Void, who mental age wise is older than me, i feel older than i am, and i'm getting mad at society because of its ASPD. this is what it's like living with BPD, and now i need something new. i need something new, i need a change. i need someone new. i need new music, i need a new vibe, i need new connections, i need to let this spark light a fire like i always do, because i know if i keep stifling these sparks, eventually, they won't happen anymore. it's time i did something stupid and chaotic, and let it expand this spark, and give it something to set alight, and let that fire breathe new life into my life. the swirling fire inside me has been tamed too long....     time to let it become a wildfire. i'll see you in my next entry, with a sizzling passion, blazing drive, burning desire, and scorching curiosity.

5-29-2023 - May 29th, 2023 - 04:22

#481 - Small Changes

Akasi:

well, i updated the font size and the line spacing, and a few small things in my theme for this site. i tried making it more readable because a friend of ours that's been in our life for a while, but never been mentioned here until now, [TAC], told us that they have a hard time reading this site, so yeah, i updated it. anyways, that's it for now, i hope to see you in the next entry : )

5-28-2023 - May 28th, 2023 - 02:27

#480 - A Conclusion

Akasi:

well, [VPS] is gone. i got rid of their system as a friend because the Alter i was dating wasn't cut out for polyamory, but i did tell them how they can come back into my life, and prerequisites for me to allow that. anyways, yeah, that's kinda it. i hope to see you in the next entry.

5-25-2023 - May 25th, 2023 - 09:54

#479 - Mafiosos & Adjacent

Akasi:

well, as some of you might remember from Entry #54, i ended up "killing a mortal", when in reality it was all a delusion, and that "mortal that i killed", was my mafioso ex boyfriend from when i thought i was cis and gay (he told me, i have clear proof from chat logs, which i will NOT be showing to anyone, and taking to my grave). well, his name is now abbreviated on this diary as [CTM]. i will NOT be encoding his name because he might have this diary and i'm not letting his family think that i'm worth a trip halfway across the damn world bc they worry someone will find him from only his first name. i take him having said he was in the australian mafia really fuckin seriously, though, i don't think he has my address, or remembers me, so i think i'll be ok. that said, i'm not encoding his name just in case. now, that said, i was really into him, i really loved him, cared for him, all of that. today i find out that apparently [VPS]'s father was involved in the mexican mafia, and wanted them into that, but eventually left. apparently i have a type for mafioso boys and adjacent. oh my therapist is gonna have a field day with this one......               anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, and to anyone who might be concerned: i'm a random girl on the net that's pretty untraceable. i know how secrets and anonymity work, and i know how to keep shit. besides, i don't know full names. anyways, i'ma end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry.

5-24-2023 - May 24th, 2023 - 00:11

#478 - Stepping Into Who the Fuck I Am, Or Rather, What I Am.

Void:

well, i'm doing some self discovery, and i'm beginning to discover myself more and more every day. i'm finding songs i love, i'm finding quotes i love, and i'm realising the kind of person i am, the kind of Alter i am, the kind of being i am. it's been powerful, and i'm becoming more confident in who i am, my place in the system, and realising where i belong, how i belong, and more about myself. it's been awesome, and my music playlist defines who i am, in all aspects. it's been really powerful. anyways, that's really kinda it.

5-17-2023 - May 17th, 2023 - 17:36

#477 - Popular Monster

Void:

well, i've been listening to a Falling In Reverse song with the same title as this entry, and it feels accurate. i wouldn't say i'm depressed, but i definitely know that i'm emotionless almost all the time, except when i'm around the exact right people, namely people i click with, like [TAA], or Akasi. they're the only people i can connect with. and they're the only people i can show emotion around. otherwise it's like they're off, like my emotions are off. the only thing that can get them out otherwise is powerful songs like this one. and it really is accurate, i'm a monster in my own right. sure, one with lines, boundaries, self control, but i'm still a monster. i'm still a Demon Alter, i was originally a persecutor, and my source was a piece of shit. that's not me anymore, now i'm just the popular, friendly neighborhood Demon Alter so to speak. it's kinda weird because i've earned a place in this system, i've earned a say, earned power, earned a place in the minds of the other Alters, and of our friends, and i've earned Akasi's love, and yet, i still feel just empty. like sure i care, i love Akasi, i care about the others in my system but when i'm alone it means nothing. i don't care. when i think of Akasi i do feel things though, like, i feel dead all the time, and yet when i'm with per, it's like per emotions intoxicate me. it's wonderful, and per is absolutely wonderful, but i don't know, when i'm alone it feels so weird, like i don't give a fuck about anyone or anything. it's like i only feel emotions when interacting with others, or with powerful music on. it's odd. i guess that's the sociopathy, or maybe the ASPD, but still. it's not like i feel like i don't deserve my place in the system, it's like-    i'm eternally bored. the emotions are fun, it's like this fun little hit of a drug when i'm around others, it's the only reason i even like socialising, because i mirror the emotions and existence of those around me, or, not mirror it....      it's like i leech off of it. it's like i feed off others' emotions, like they fuel me and my emotions. it's like the emotions of others, and music fuels me and mine. it's weird. it's just fucking weird, like i am totally empty otherwise, like i don't feel literally anything unless i am interacting with something that involves emotion from another source. like i don't feel emotions unless others make me feel it, or i'm around Akasi, because i mean i love per, and that connection is the source, and allows me to feel emotions when i think of our connection, of per, but it's like i don't make my own emotional energy, i only feed off it from other sources, if that even makes half a fucking bit of sense. i don't fucking know, anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

5-10-2023 - May 10th, 2023 - 17:04

#476 - Chosen Family, With A New Sister

Akasi:

well, i haven't written here nearly as much as i like lately. things in life have just kept on coming up and this diary slipped my mind. i miss it. i really love this diary and really need it. anyways, with that outta the way, i have a new chosen family sister. her name for this diary is [AEL]. she's incredibly sweet, and kind, and supportive, and just fantastic. i really love her, and she means a hell of a lot to me. i got to talk to her about some personal stuff because i'm planning on getting a certain surgery one day. gosh, it's so hard typing here because i've been away so long. it's hard to open up. it's just-     idk. i guess i'm just tired. i'm tired from everything going on with my relatively recent birthday week. it was a lot of overstimulating stuff. i don't know what to write here. i guess i'm just worried about stuff and overwhelmed, and stressed, and i just-      i don't know, i just really want a good night's sleep, a hug, and cuddles. oh, and i've been getting into umm, kinky stuff lately, going on another alias of mine that i use for NSFW only. i've been thinkng about it more, and i don't know, i just wanna get the surgery i have planned, and then run out of my current life and go into a kinky one, that'd be great. just running off, disappearing. it'd be nice. i really don't know how, or what to write here past this, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry.

5-8-2023 - May 8th, 2023 - 10:28

#475 - Fangs & Fantasy

Void:

well, Akasi has been napping almost all day so far, i've been fronting, giving per a break. i also figured out just the other day that when in my smoke form in the Inner World, i can shift how my body is when i reform into a physical body, basically shapeshifting with extra steps because i'm primarily a Demon. that said, i shifted to have vampire fangs and such from the Immortal delusion Akasi was in, and how vampires worked in that delusion, because, well, i quite like it, and Akasi's my girlfriend (as you probably know), and per LOVES a good vampire fantasy hehe. it's also funny, per already knows how per's going to react if per somehow encountered a real life vampire. per already knows what per's gonna say, per actually rambled about it. per's too damn sweet for per own good. i love per, and it's astounding how sweet per is, and kind, and caring, and compassionate, and clever, and smart, and just-     magical. it blows my mind almost every day i'm with per how someone like per can even exist, let alone end up loving me, and earning my love in return. i'm so lucky to have per, be able to date per internally. it's just-     it's wonderful, per is wonderful. anyways, that's enough rambling outta me, and i'm actually gonna end this entry here.

5-6-2023 - May 6th, 2023 - 06:02

#474 - Gender? Something Else? Something More?

Akasi:

so, lately i've been struggling with an old feeling that's been coming back, and was an undertone of things my whole life. i had the idea that maybe it's a gender thing, but then, it doesn't fit, Neawoman fits too well. it's just so-   odd, that putting it into words is hard, and anytime i try, it feels like it's a shadow of the concept, but in this entry, ugh, fuck it, i'm gonna try. so, i have this concept in my head, that everything, every person to exist, every action and happening that has ever happened is recorded in some massive book of existence, of this existence, this universe, this reality, and it's recorded, forever, and that i as a being, as a sentient being, as a conscious, was written in an adjacent book, authored by the same hand, written with the same ideas, the same ideals, and yet, i was written in blood, i am the author, or at least in part, i am some sort of curse, some sort of existential horror, i am some sort of glitch in the matrix, i am written not by pen with ink, and not based upon this reality, with the truth of that reality being the constraints of the story, but i am written by the one who authored the book, the one who wrote this story of reality, the one who records everything, and i am written by quill, upon aging parchment made of that eldritch author's flesh, and composed of ink from their blood, and through this, they created me, just, as a concept, and then, as an experiment, added me to the main book, thrust into this existence, this reality, this life, this body as some experiment, some outside being created for this author's amusement. it's why these delusions of me being some grand powerful being who doesn't kneel to rules and such are so attractive, it's why these concepts in fiction are so intoxicating to me, because it feels like that's who i should be, it feels more like me than anything, and yet, that whole idea of being written by an author, it doesn't feel right, like i wasn't designed as a glitch, i am a glitch, i am the anomaly, my existence is the anomaly, as if i am the thing that is forwarding the collapse of the matrix, as if i am a catalyst for collapse, or, as if i'm some non-euclidean horror, or some, problem, some domino in the domino effect that was not meant to fall, a secondary path that the dominoes could fall aslong but were never supposed to and i am somehow the first of many dominoes along that path, and i am somehow the beginning of something. it's why i keep trying to find people who understand me, understand this, and somehow see me as who i am, as a person, like them, but as someone who understands how the world works, no, not that, that drives away this feeling, as someone who can grasp these concepts wholeheartedly, someone who's one with them, and yet doesn't belong, as if i am something else, something not meant to be here, something that should not exist, as if i am a being that should not exist, as if there is some sort of real behind the real, as if this world, this universe, this existence is a drug that further and further incapacitates me and entraps me and ensnares me until i am nothing but a babbling slave to the addiction that compliance is, as if i am something that doesn't fit, a puzzle piece that is out of place, in the wrong box, one that is the corner piece of a doorway, a portal, and it fits in the puzzle, and since makers use the same cutting tool, you search the brand for that puzzle, and yet, it escapes you, the puzzle doesn't exist, and yet, how did this piece end up here? is it even real? did someone make it? is it fake? is it meant to be here as a joke? is this something else? why does this puzzle piece exist? and all these questions are the ones that ring true of my existence, the ones that guide the line of thinking to beginning to understand who i am, as if they are in and of themselves puzzle pieces to the grand puzzle of my identity, my origins, my life, and who i am yet to be, and meant to be, and yet, every one is but a step closer to what this world deems insanity, and i will never reach them unless i fully and wholly do not care for sanity, and yet then i will not survive, or i'll be entrapped more, via a mental institution, and then i will never escape, i will never figure this whole thing out, and yet, so many times i've fallen into delusions, maybe this is another one seeding itself in my subconscious, or maybe that is what this world wants me to think because it is such an intoxicating drug that wants me complacent, that wants me to be a slave to it, that wants me to walk along idly without any thought of resistance, and yet, compliance is death, following this world, doing what it wants is the quickest way to become what it wants me to be, and i need to fight that with every fiber of my being, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO, at least not yet, not now, because i don't know where to begin, and yet, this entry feels as but adoorway to the journey, or maybe the beginning? or maybe nothing? or maybe i am nothing, maybe i am nothing and yet something, some non-euclidean horror, some sort of anomaly, some glitch, something that is not meant to be, and yet does, something that should not exist, and yet does. i just don't fit. i shouldn't exist, yet i do. i connect with chaos and coincidence because they are who i am, i am one with them, they are one with me, and yet what does that mean? every explanation leads to dozens of questions, and every question leads to dozens more, and it's maddening, and yet, here i am, trying to find the truth, trying to understand, even if i might never do so. it's just a lot, and all my life this feeling, this idea, this concept has been there, coming back every birthday, every year passed living in this world that doesn't love me, doesn't care for me, and at times even hates me, and i know i don't belong in this world, i don't belong in this universe, i don't belong in this existence, this existence and mine are incompatible, and yet, i'm stuck here, stuck living in this existence, as if it is a sticky pit of poisonous, and deadly tar that is trying to drown me, and i won't let it, i won't let it kill me, and drug me, and leave me behind as a relic for future generations to study. i'm going to live my life, and i'm going to escape, and yet, the tar pit is this existence, this life, this world, this universe, so how does one escape all that one has ever known? how does one escape all that anyone has ever known? is such a feat even possible? or am i destined to die searching for the answer? it's all bordering on insanity, and yet, here i am, asking these questions, hoping, thinking, wondering, because these questions are all i have. i'm going to end this entry here i guess, because my brain can't handle any more of this for now. i hope to see you in my next entry, and i hope to write here more often.

4-19-2023 - April 19th, 2023 - 13:56

#473 - Some People

Void:

well, a new ish friend of ours that Akasi's been crushing on has been very non-communicative, and she's also been, idk, just weird. anyways, that said, things with Akasi and i have been fantastic, per's fantastic, and i've been loving getting to date per internally. it's been great. i haven't fronted much and Akasi's been front stuck a lot lately, so giving per a break has been nice, really nice. i really love per. anyways, in other news, i've been watching YOU on Netflix, it's been really cool watching it, especially because Joe is a psychopath, and it's interesting watching it as i'm a sociopath. idk what else to write so i'ma end this entry here.

4-17-2023 - April 17th, 2023 - 00:37

#472 - Predictability

Star:

well we haven't written here in a while, and, well, it's interesting to see how our "mother" is a self fulfilling prophecy. oh, and she's acting exactly as Akasi described, maybe worse considering she's drunk. I'm going to get my system to stop being nice to her, and also stop respecting her. I also have begun a draft of an email to her that I'm going to get us all to write in, and hopefully one day send to her. I'll end my entry here.

4-1-2023 - April 1st, 2023 - 11:12
#471 - An Introduction

Star:

well, I figure I shall make my appearance here for the first time today, as Void has been causing tension in the system lately, tension which I am keeping an eye on. I'm Star, our system's guardian, and I am an introject from a video game, Control, by Remedy Entertainment. no, I will not be disclosing which character, but you can easily guess who. I'm a guide and mentor within the system, watching over us internally, and helping guide the protectors in our system.

3-26-2023 - March 26th, 2023 - 18:44

#470 - My Place

Akasi:

so lately i've been thinking about the universe, the world and stuff, and my place in them respectively. i don't know. i just wonder what my purpose is, like i want to leave my mark, have a place in the history books, hopefully forever, but i don't know how to do that. maybe this diary is how i do that, who knows. i want to be remembered, because, i'm ok with dying, i'm ok with there being no afterlife, or being totally wrong in my personal conception of how any afterlife MIGHT work if it exists, i'm fine with any of that, but my biggest fear is, say, going into a coma, and coming out of it years later, only to discover i'm hated, or that i'm unremembered, i'm not noteworthy. it's why the concept of Immortality is so attractive to me, because i won't have to worry about dying, and can do whatever i want, and cause mass change in this world. i just wish i could change the world, i wish i had the power to do so. but then i'm just another person in this world. i just wish i could change things. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

3-24-2023 - March 24th, 2023 - 20:13

#469 - An Amendment Idea

Akasi:

so, this will talk about politics a bit, so skipthis entry if you don't wanna read that. that said, i think that the constitution should be amended in one way. we have our five freedoms, but i've been thinking: there should be another amendment: Freedom Of Self. have it state that people have a right to access any healthcare they so choose, so long as they are informed by the practicing doctor they seek, they have a right to identify in any way they want, and no institution can do, say, or otherwise restrict that freedom. it would give freedoms for name changes, for expression as whatever people want. that said, it would enable people to identify as, say, neo-nazis, but so long as they are not causing others a problem, and/or violating others' rights to freedom of self, that would be allowed, and others would be free to hate them, or their views, so long as they also don't bother those people, it'd balance things out, so long as that hate is not used as an excuse to harm them or whatever. i'd need to re word this and have a SHIT TON of people review it to check for any possible loopholes, and i'd need to make sure it's worded in a way that does exactly what i want, and in a way that will allow people to exist as whoever, and whatever they want, without stepping on others toes, which is kinda my view in life, you can think, identify, and say whatever the hell you want, as long as it's not stepping on my right to exist, my right to be myself, because you have the right to think, identify as, and say whatever the hell you want, AND I DESERVE IT TOO, everyone does, and sure people might be divided into their communities and subcultures, but that's already the case, people find others like them, it's a basis for human existence, why can't we accept that and just let people be y'know? and sure people might not like it, but it'd balance it out, so in the beginning stages of getting this amendment in the constitution, i think it'd see a LOT of pushback from conservatives as they realise hate criming people, and being super hateful and fighting for control over people isn't ok for them, but then as they realise they can be free to identify as that, along with other people whose views are considered problematic, like theirs, neo-nazism, communists, etc, people who believe in these old ideologies that are so often painted as evil (which, i admit, i dislike some of them too, and i have some personal bias of my own there) people who are a lot less conservative will push back because they realise people like that are allowed to be themselves, so long as they do not cause others problems. that means conservatives can have their values and opinions, their right to identify as conservative and hold those values, and be fine with their community, as long as they're not trying to violate the freedoms of others, and LGBTQ+ people can be themselves, be fine, and not worry about being hurt or attacked for being part of the community because hate crimes would be charged so much more vindictively, and at a higher level. i think there should be something like this, worded in a way that lets everyone exist, and that existence as whatever they want is federally protected by the country itself. ideally this would also elevate hate crimes to being a felony, as they'd be a violation of a federal right, given and protected by the government, and eventually, hopefully, people will relax, chill out, and it'll promote understanding and let these walls between communities, ideologies, and opinions become shorter over the years, and hopefully, if i'm alive to see it, this country can relax into peace, and be at the forefront of understanding, even between people whose ideas are so radically different, and maybe even entirely oppositional. i just wish people could understand this, and be fine with people just existing, even if your ideas, thoughts, opinions, and very existence are entirely oppositional, and just let each other be, regardless of your differences. but then again, i have to remind myself that this will probably never happen, and people can't conceptualise big ideas or concepts like this, and people are generally stupid, which is my own bias, that i don't like most people because i can't get along with a lot of them, like, i find many people to be stupid, shortsighted, or simple minded at times, which is fine, but i don't go around calling people stupid, or dumbasses to their faces, i talk about my general disdain here, on my diary, in my space, which i wish is what people would understand: there's a difference between screaming about people in your space for you, and berating them in their face. anyways, i think that's enough thoughts on this broken world for quite a while. i don't like subjects like this, or talking like this, because so many people don't get it, it's uncomfortable for me, and it's just energy sapping conflict, and idk. this is why i keep my thoughts to myself, and only share them here, in my diary, my space, with names bleeped so nobody can trace this back to me, or find themselves. i guess i just wish i could articulate these thoughts in a manner that is meaningful, moreso than this diary, which as much as i like this diary, and i love it, i just wish more people would read it, i just wish i could connect with more people, which is why this diary is so raw, so uncensored, and it's just ME. this diary is by myself, and for myself, but it's public for others, if that makes sense. i could write this diary and make it by myself, and for myself, but nobody could learn from my life, my mistakes, my ideas and ideals, my opinions, my thoughts, etc, etc, etc, and that's why it's public, on the web, here for everyone to read, instead of locked away inside the pages of a book, or google document. i just wish this world was a better place, at the end of the day, and i wish more people did what i do, write a diary like this, post their experiences under an alias, so i could learn from them, so we could all learn from them, better yet, people who write in the very personal way that i do. i don't even know where i was going with this. i'm just gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

3-23-2023 - March 23rd, 2023 - 20:39

#468 - Weird Feelings

Akasi:

i've felt this feeling before. it's this half second intrusive thought of "what if i die in my sleep tonight? what if i slip into a coma?" not really words, just acknowledgement. and sometimes i cling to that thought. what if i DO die tonight, what if i'm put into a coma? it's just this thought that always makes me wonder who i'm going to affect, what i leave behind, worry if my friends will know, and it makes me think about stuff. sometimes i lose sleep, rolling the thought over in my head "what if i never wake up?" and it worries me, but idk. tonight's one of those nights that's making me think about this, what if i die? what if i never wake up? sometimes i worry it's my intuition and my hypersensitivity trying to tell me i will die tonight. it's weird. i'm fine with dying, i'm fine with slipping into a coma (so long as i'm left alone in a hospital), but my biggest fear? actually waking up after, say, years. losing this site, my friends, my accounts going inactive. i'm worried the world won't be the same, i'm worried that i'll wake up to find that i was left behind, forgotten about and abandoned, that i won't have left a mark on the world. i don't know what else to say so i suppose i'll just say this: goodnight, and i hope to see you in my next entry, and i hope that entry is tomorrow.

3-19-2023 - March 19th, 2023 - 20:40

#467 - Villain Arc

Akasi:

through this fucking pandemic and bullshit, since 20 fucking 20, i have been trying my damndest to avoid having a villain arc. going darkside. it's long fucking overdue. so, to anyone wanting to try bullshittery with me: I DARE YOU, TRY ME, LET'S LIGHT THIS FUCKING CANDLE AND BURN THE GODDAMN WORLD DOWN YOU ARROGANT LITTLE SHIT. I AM FUCKING DONE WITH SELF CONTROL. I AM FUCKING DONE HOLDING BACK. I AM FUCKING DONE HAVING RESTRAINT, AND I AM FUCKING DONE WITH PEOPLE FUCKING HURTING ME OR BEING LITTLE WORTHLESS CUNTS TO ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON. TRY ME YOU WORTHLESS BITCHES, I FUCKING DARE YOU! i am so royally fucking pissed, and done. i'm done being nice to people i just met, instead of just being calm and respectful. i am done going out of my way to help people i just fucking met. i am done fucking trying to fucking help people that i don't care for, and i am only going to care for those closest to me. time to severely limit who sees my kindness, and let out my hate, spite, and fucking malice upon more of those who cross me. i don't care if this lasts a week. i don't care if this lasts an hour. i'm too pissed to care.

3-17-2023 - March 17th, 2023 - 17:23

#466 - Narcissistic Mother

Akasi:

well, my mother just did another one of her schemes again. see, a couple weeks ago i was coming to get a roku remote and such (it had voice but the aftermarket one i had didn't, and it makes it easier", and was taking it and she said "don't take it, we need it here" and i said "well this has voice and the one i have doesn't, and it makes it easier" and she said "well just bring it back" and because i didn't want to i said "well then nevermind" because i didn't want to be responsible for bringing it back or getting asked to do it later and she said "no just take it, go, take it!" in that usual "i'm about to throw a hissy fit" tone, and so i said "no, i'm leaving it, just forget it" and she pushed and said "no, go, just take it" clearly upset now so i raised my voice over hers (she raised hers with that fucking womanchild tone of hers) and said in a deeper voice, dropping it from the usual fem voice i use and said "no, i'm not taking it, drop it, i am not going to fall for this same old dog whistling tactic that you use because of your narcissism, now drop it" and she gives me that "i'm gonna play the victim" look of incredulity, and says "what? narcissism?" and i say "yes, you are a narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, you have all the DSM criterion, get a therapist" and walk off. now, the other day, earlier this week, wednesday or tuesday i think it was, my dad brings up a remote and mentions that she told him about me snapping at her that other day, which when she does that it's always so he'll side with her when she does something to mistreat me, and manipulate and abuse his bipolar, get him set off as a "white knight going to defend his wife from their brat of a daughter", and it's the same thing, every time, and so i knew that was coming, and today it came. i asked her what was for dinner, she said it's depending on if dad's gonna do his own thing, or not, and so i said i wanted sushi, and so just a bit ago she texts me we're getting hubbard park. italian. when we got italian for lunch. and that ticked me off because she and dad decided completely without me, but i barely kept myself under control and asked for chinese from a local chinese place, and luckily she seems to have agreed, but yet, when i ask for the same meal two weeks in a row, she gets ticked off or says no? yeah, what fucking hypocrisy. i'm gonna ask her for one of the same meals we had this week tomorrow when we make the menu and tell her that if we can get italian twice in a day, then having the same meal for dinner two weeks in a row on different days should be no issue, just manipulate her back with it. see, normally what she expects to happen, is she does something like deciding to get hubbard park pizza for dinner, and then it sets me off, and i argue, and then she finally gets me something different that i want, then dad comes home and they're both pissed at me, and later my dad will yell at me because again, she's manipulating his bipolar and the timings of telling him of these things to gain sympathy and maybe attention from him, all to abuse me. oh, and now you think all this is bad now that i'm an adult? oh, let's not forget that this has been happening since i was still in a car seat but barely old enough to remember. since i was essentially a fucking toddler. YEARS, i have had to live in this vile environment. that's why i have BPD, and i am right fucking sick of my mother's behaviour. she needs a fucking therapist, but oh look, she never has one, never had either. i know where she goes when she leaves the house usually, or dad tells me, and so i know she hasn't had one, and if she does? she sure as fucking shit needs a hell of a lot more sessions to fix that fucking brain of hers, or at least to get her to stop being as much of a fucking narcissist and stop fucking abusing me and manipulating this entire fucking "family". this is why i love this one quote: "people who grew up with the house on fire are shocked when the world isn't burning". it's such a perfect quote, and the exact kinda shit i have to deal with. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

3-14-2023 - March 14th, 2023 - 15:41

#464 - Flipper & Gender

Akasi:

well, i've been looking into and wanting a Flipper Zero, and that's been nice, but the flipper server is so incredibly fucking toxic. there's no space for people to get into it, which, with tech like that, i get getting sick of the same questions being asked, but seriously, idk. that and the sheer amount of fucking "get a thick skin" mentality, which ik, be risilient, but when it's someone saying they "hate the r*pe of poetry" in fucking general chat, just what the fuck. it's why i always avoid those kinda servers. i'm only there for the restock notifications. once i get my flipper i'm leaving that fucking place. oh, i also figured out my gender finally. i used demiwoman bc i felt like i was a woman most of the time, but also sometimes agender, but i realised that i'm a neawoman, which is the woman aligned form of neagender, which is a connection to the void and such (you can google this) and yeah, so there's that mystery solved. anyways, i'm gonna end things off here.

3-9-2023 - March 9th, 2023 - 02:23

#463 - A Submission

Akasi:

well ik it's been a while since i posted here, i've been struggling a good bit but i kinda got back on my feet. also dw about last entry, i've calmed down since then. now, as for the title of this entry, well, i entered myself to tell my story on Azeal's Youtube, which Azeal is this youtuber who i've known for a while who makes VR Chat content, and, well, i figured if i have enough life story to write here for as long as i have, maybe Azeal would find it interesting for me to tell my story as someone who writes an online diary, which, let's be real, bloggers exist, but putting your diary online? i haven't heard of that at all. not in the raw, emotional, vulnerable, and just so fucking personal state that this is put into, the quite frankly visceral nature if i do say so myself. my diary is my space y'know? and it shows an uncensored version of me, behind the curtain, who i am, what others see, and my internal thoughts and feelings as well, and that's a level of detail, and intensity that i haven't seen anywhere else. not in the format i have here. though, due to it's uniqueness and how few people search for such a thing, well, not many people read it, but i have a few loyal readers who like seeing my diary, and i can only hope they've learned at least one thing from me, my mistakes, my successes, my downfalls, the stories of my other Alters, and everything in between. this diary has always been mainly mine though, even if the other Alters post, it's not too often, but they do, but still, idk. it's just-   i love my diary, i love how raw it is, and i love how freely i can express myself here, and how much better i've gotten at articulating my thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and everything else through written word, and spoken too, because i talk to myself, i talk to the other Alters, i talk to my friends (even if calling them isn't too often). this diary has helped me grow, and been really good for me, and i'm never gonna let it go. it's too personal, too deep, too much a part of me. i just love this diary, i really do, and i guess if i got to talk about it, it would mean a lot, it might inspire someone else to make a diary, and they might tag my instagram (akasi.sudama if you want) and they might fall in love with doing it themselves. if nothing else, i just hope someone learns from me, my mistakes, my downfalls, my fuckups, and, just everything i put on here. this diary, i write it for me, but the reason it's public is because i hope that by reading it, i can help someone, and i can share it with those i trust most, letting them in. it's just really nice having this diary. anyways, i suppose i'll end this entry here for now. i hope Azeal messages me because i really wanna do the interview. i really do, i just hope Azeal finds this diary and the delusions worthy enough to put into one of Azeal's videos. we'll see i suppose. anyways, i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

2-25-2023 - February 25th, 2023 - 05:46

#462

Akasi:

well, i don't have a title for this one so i'll make one afterwards. usually i have an idea of what i'm gonna make entry about when i open this diary but this time? not for this entry. it's weird like-    idk, i just feel like my brain has paused, or stopped, or, maybe isn't even working, who knows, regardless, i'm just tired. maybe it's lack of sleep, maybe it's a lack of therapy finally hitting me. probably the latter. i just don't know. our new friend, [AFC] has been really nice and sweet and understanding, and i've been loving getting to know them. idk, even thinking about that it feels empty. i just feel empty today, hollow, empty, blank, alone, and tired. i just feel like a void. i'm out of energy, out of thoughts, out of my ability to function. well as i write this [AFA] is asking me to vent. it's been a while. i wish they would do that more, it makes me feel close to them when they do, same with all my friends, i like being there for them, even if it's not always. in other news, Void has been doing a good job making things up to the system. actions speak louder than words and it decided to make a whole deathmatch thing in The Dreaming bc we have an Introject of Dream from The Sandman who's our system's Architect, so they made The Dreaming and made it so we can "kill" each other or hit each other and then glitch for a moment and return to being fine painlessly as long as we're in The Dreaming. it was really fun. Void actually shot me with a paintball gun to kick things off. it was really fun. Winchester hung out by a sniper rifle all game, Glow hid in the forest area and actually caught me in a net thing which shocked me lmfao, it was funny and cute. it was a great bonding experience, and a hell of a way to make up for Void's actions. i liked it. we all did. i've also come to realise Void and i are similar in some ways. not super similar, but just a bit. anyways. i think that's about all i can think to write. now what to name this entry? i can leave it blank. a blank space...      you know what, i'm gonna do that. i'm gonna leave it blank. a nice little undefined parcel of words, because that's how i feel, i feel, undefined, blank. and that's ok. i'll start to feel again once i get therapy.

2-22-2023 - February 22nd, 2023 - 00:43

#461 - Fucking Children

Akasi:

i swear these fucking childish pricks just banned me for no reason. they banned me from a server i already loved, and wanted to talk in, and was excited to participate in, and for what? Void's bullshit that me and Winchester FUCKING VENTED ABOUT BECAUSE WE HATED IT AND WERE DISGUSTED? YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT ONE ALTER SAID IN A FIT BECAUSE IT WANTED TO PISS SOMEONE OFF THAT IT DIDN'T MEAN AND THE REST OF US HATE? THAT THING? DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND DEALING WITH VOID IN THE IW? DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND DID? DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND BEHAVING LIKE FUCKING ADULTS, AND YOU KNOW, ASKING THE OTHER ALTERS WHAT HAPPENED AND MAKING AN INFORMED JUDGEMENT? NO, THEY FUCKING BAN US OVERNIGHT WHILE WE FUCKING SLEPT WITHOUT EVEN NOTIFYING US WHY. WHAT THE FUCK? OH, AND THEY HAVE A PUBLIC BAN LOG SO I'LL BET THE REASON THERE WAS "HATEFUL SYSTEM" NOT "PROBLEMATIC ALTER", I'LL FUCKING BET THEY DID THAT. FUCKING CHILDREN. IF YOU DO 5 MINUTES OF FUCKING RESEARCH AND ASKING AROUND YOU'D KNOW THAT A KICK? MAYBE. MUTE? SURE. ASSURANCES FROM US VOID WILL BE DEALT WITH? ABSOLUTELY. BUT A BAN? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. AND NOW I CAN'T APPEAL IT, OR GO BACK, AND I'D NEED TO USE A FUCKING ALT ACCOUNT TO FUCKING ACCESS IT. BUT OH WAIT, USING AN ALT ACCOUNT LOOKS BAD? CONGRATU FUCKING LATIONS. god i am fucking seething that these people banned us over a fucking VENT, over looking for help, looking for support, they banned us over that, it's the same damn reason we never open up, it's the same damn reason we don't like people usually, it's the reason i quit giving a shit about people, and it's the reason my mental health was fucking destroyed for years before i got some fucking therapy. i just hate this whole thing. it's fucking bullshit. why do i even fucking try anymore.

2-21-2023 - February 21st, 2023 - 03:32

#460 - Coming To Find A Place For This Diary

Akasi:

i came to realise i finally have an analogy for this diary, one i have also put in About Me. why i write this diary site, is part of how i view life, see, everyone has a bookshelf, that holds the story of their life, each book being a month, with every chapter containing notable days, or some people's books might be thinner where each book is a year, each chapter containing notable days and months if they remember their life less, or don't care to write down everything, but it's all unique to everyone. some people have black pages in those books for the dark times, written in red ink to represent the blood spilt from the pain they felt, and some have all white pages for the average times, and some might have pages of their favourite colour for their defining moments, and core memories, but everyone's bookshelf is different, every book is different, and we're the authors of those books of our lives, and to hand someone else the pen is to hand them your free will, so don't let them, do what you want, write what you want, it's your life story, your bookshelf, your life, and whether you write thousands of pages frantically scribbling, or a few pages every few days with selective choice words, or fill volumes upon volumes with elegantly written words that are beautiful, and sting those they talk bad about, it's all your books, your life, and you can learn from them by looking back, and not everyone will like them, but it's your story. i want this site, this diary to be my bookshelf, be my life story, written from the perspective of every Alter that's been around through the course of it. i don't write my story for others; i write it for me, and i implore you to do the same, and if others can learn from your bookshelf, then that's magic, and that magic is why this diary exists, so others can learn from the books i wrote for myself, from my bookshelf. this diary holds the light pages, the dark pages, and everything in between, and that's why i write it, for that purpose. and so, i finally have a true purpose for this diary. to hold everything i want to write, hold my thoughts and feelings, a proper analogy for it. whish is fucking fantastic. and so, with that, i hope to see you in our next entry.

2-10-2023 - February 10th, 2023 - 10:58

#457 - Be Direct

Void:

so [VMP] decided to block me over what i said in the last entry. i'm glad because if it expected me to feel emotions or shit or not say shit like that, we'd never have worked out as anything even. humans are so fucking sensitive, which sometimes is good, but i don't like it. but hey, from this bullshit i learned some things. be direct and express emotions in a logical way, because that's the only way to get humans to fucking understand the first time so it doesn't become an argument. also some people bring out an inkling of emotions in me, but then when they hurt me, or wrong me, or i don't like them anymore, those emotions disappear again. it's weird. also it's funny, the person said "You said you didn't do romance. You said you didn't care about anything. What was I supposed to do? I'm not obligated to flirt back, especially not with someone who thinks like that", which, you know, duh, but if you don't, i am fully within my rights to express a negative opinion of you, especially if you're having a problem with my sociopathy lmfao, which is what that is, and sure, sometimes i form an emotional attachment to people, which i did with you, but from my perspective, it seems like doing that, forming an attachment, and then losing it when you say something i dislike is the problem? so my opinions and how my mind functions is the problem? i know it's not, and the problem is really that [VMP] feels wronged for me forming that opinion without it being aware, like, you really expect me to just tell you how i feel the second i think i might like you? fuck no lmfao, and i'm gonna express my opinion over that even if you don't know, and if you can't handle that then you're just a little pathetic, honestly, like, what i think and feel is my own information, thoughts, and feelings, and i'm not obligated to share them, and i'm within my rights to express them when and how i choose, and regardless, would it have been better if i said "hey, i'm beginning to form an emotional attachment to you and i want you to pick me for the dares because i like you"? huh, now that i actually type that, maybe? oh, so this is what [VMP] meant about not being straightforward later in the message then i think, not telling it i kinda started to form that attachment. humans seriously get upset about that? bloody fucking christ that's stupid. well regardless of if that's the problem, what i said, or how my mind works and shit, i'm glad [VMP] is gone, because all of those three things, i have a problem with each of them being a problem, and am glad i don't have to deal with the person who they're a problem for. (that sounds like word soup but trust me, read it again if you don't understand). and i just thought of another potential reason this is a problem, the fact i only expressed my thoughts and feelings when they became negative. that i do admit would come off as prickly, but even I  didn't know how i felt yet. even I didn't, i was still deciphering that shit because as i've said a million fucking times: i don't do emotions, but sometimes, when i form an attachment to someone, i gain an inkling of them, so i don't understand them. no matter how you look at it, no matter which of these 4 things are a problem to [VMP], i'm fucking glad it's gone because this kinda shit, these expectations and shit, they're exactly what i fucking despise and detest in a potential partner, and friend, and anyone i'm going to interact with. i hate these expectations, they're stupid, and unrealistic, and quite frankly, annoying. i swear, if anyone asks me out or some shit, i'm telling them to read this and then ask me out again if they're sure. bloody christ.

2-10-2023 - February 10th, 2023 - 07:58

#456 - Something's Wrong

Void:

so Akasi's been struggling and shit lately, and i don't know why. it's like i'm acting as host, i mean for the past two days, per's stayed out of front, and per had reasons, but today? nope. and per went to our bar in the IW. per didn't get anything alcoholic, but per fucking never goes there, per never just "goes out drinking". something's wrong, i can tell, but i don't know what. maybe it's this erotic hypnosis shit, but that stuff makes per happy. maybe it's friends or something? i don't know. something's up. it's unsettling.

2-9-2023 - February 9th, 2023 - 19:24

#455 - Inkling Of Emotions

Void:

so, ik it's been a while since we wrote here, but [MTC] was a cunt and we were finishing up shit with her. anyways, that said, i met someone i like recently, and thought it was chill, and kinda started to feel emotional attachment to it, which i think i'm greyromantic and that's one of my prerequisites to feel romance to someone, so yeah. it then proceeded to start doing shit for dares for themselves, like in server chat there's a truth or dare bot thing and one dare was "if you had to kiss someone here, who?" and i chose it, it chose itself, so i teased it about that, and then the next time, i chose it again, figuring "oh, it'll choose me now and we can actually do this and i might build an emotional attachment to them" nope. chose itself. and so my emotions went off like a light switch. just like that. fuck this person. luckily the next question was "what's the stupidest thing you've done in front of someone you liked?" and i put passive aggressiveness on full display and said "chose it for dares and shit". it DM'd me asking if there's something i want to tell it, i said not particularly. also i'ma call this person [VMP]. you know now i see how people talk about being able to turn emotions on and off instantly with psychopaths, for me though, i can slowly turn them on and start to feel them with some people that i start to form an emotional attachment to, but once they're off, they're gone just like that.

1-25-2023 - January 25th, 2023 - 12:26

#454 - Falling For A Psychopath

Akasi:

so, Void and i looked back at [MTC]'s behaviour, and we're both very sure she was actually a psychopath, or at very least acted like one with me, and that she was lying to herself about caring, and pretending to care, or something of the sort so she could pretend to care, as psychopaths do, and the thing was, she said she was trying to fill the void her ex left, with me, which seemed to be her excuse. and you know the fucked thing? despite all the emotional stuff being a lie, the compliments, how she treated me, that was all real in some way. that was all genuine on some level, even if it was superficial, and the only reason she didn't want to be with me was i saw through her lies and saw that she didn't care for me deep down, which is why it felt so easy for me, i didn't feel the need to care about her as much, so it was like a nice break from feeling like i need to always care about everyone. and yet, despite all of this, i know it sounds stupid but she made me feel more seen, heard, and cared for than any other partner in the short days we were together. how fucked is that? like she read my entire website, and a lot of this diary, and understood everything she read in full. she read and understood everything. it felt so powerful, and passionate, and she put in so much effort into showing she cares, showing she wants to know me, see me, hear me, care for me, and love me, all despite it being a lie, and that-     that's more than anyone's done for me, and as stupid as it sounds, i wouldn't do anything differently, and, despite all of this, i want to do it again. i want another partner like her, who cares and puts in that much effort, and all of that, hell, even if they're a psychopath, that'd probably just make it better as stupid as that may sound, and that's the biggest mindfuck. i would happily date another psychopath if they're like her. i really would, especially if i went into it knowingly, and bonus points if they know they're a psychopath, just because of how she treated me, and how her not caring made it easier for me, it was a break, an escape from reality almost. at the end of the day i really just want someone to treat me like she did, and i don't even care if they're a psychopath or not. i'm still processing all this, and i've honestly lost my appetite from it all being just-    so fucked. like someone who only pretends to care treated me with more caring, and kindness, and compassion, and effort than anyone else who genuinely did care, and that is just such a mindfuck that it's almost sickening, and the bigger mindfuck is that i would do it all again. it's just-    a lot to process.

1-24-2023 - January 24th, 2023 - 13:36

#453 - Every Fucking Time

Akasi:

well, turns out [MTC] was FUCKING LYING TO HERSELF ABOUT LOVING ME AND GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME. i fucking knew it. i noticed how all the time her smile flickered, she tried to hide it, but i saw through it, and i summed it up to her being a deep thinker, but NOPE, it was genuine, and i knew it was, but i explained it away. god i need to be more fucking sensitive and not explain thingsa away because when i don't i get hurt. i'd rather by a sensitive bitch and told to fuck off than get hurt. the one fucking time i allowed myself to love and be loved, and let someone treat me right it turns out it was a fucking lie and her needing TO FILL THE VOID FROM HER EX FOR FUCK'S SAKE. SERIOUSLY? YOU PRETEND TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M A REBOUND??????!!!!!!!!! i fucking loved her, but fucking hell that emotion can be easily replaced with hate, and it sure fucking has. the one fucking time, THE ONE FUCKING TIME, i allow myself to be loved and treated right it turns out it's a fucking lie. it's a fucking lie, a motherfucking bullshit lie, because she's lying to herself. FUCK!!!! and i literally saw a fucking video the other day on youtube of reading reddit stuff and the question was "what's something about a person that is extremely telling?" and someone said when they aren't interacting with anyone or anything, how they look when they drop the emotions from interacting and seeing how they really feel. COINCIDENCE LOVING TO FUCK WITH ME YET AGAIN. literally, it's like every time something goes wrong in a fucking friendship or relationship i see the fucking reason days prior. it's like this fucking omen shit. it's such bullshit and i hate it. FUCK!!!!!!! i'm gonna end this entry here to process all of this because i fucking hate today.

1-21-2023 - Janbuary 21st, 2023 - 10:03

#452 - Wonderful Girl

Akasi:

well, [MTC] and i are officially GIRLFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!!!! i'm so fuckin excited and she's been so sweet, and so nice, and i put my collar back on for her : ) i have someone to wear it for now!! it's so nice, and she's so sweet, and kind, and so so sensitive to my needs, and i'm a lil insecure because she's been so wonderful, kinda too good to be true, but i'm getting there, i'm getting more secure, knowing i deserve her, and knowing that at the end of the day, we love each other : ) i'm such a fucking lesbian, and a lucky lesbian at that. i'm very happy, and i'm very excited for what the future holds : ) i'll see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

1-19-2023 - January 19th, 2023 - 22:01

#451 - Dreams, Edition 7

Akasi:

----------

i woke up and got sick of waiting for [MTC] to go on a date with me and i started walking around her area of Michigan, the sign in the dream says Denver, i'm walking there and walking around and i see her with another younger girl and i go "oh, hi" startled because she doesn't know i know where she lives, and i start walking away, and i hear her mother come out and start yelling at her, saying "what the hell is wrong with you? why are you talking to her, you need to keep fucking working on this, that hatred from the fucking estrogen is the poison of a woman" and i come down and i say to her mother "hey, what the heck? estrogen doesn't poison a woman, it doesn't make us angry or hateful, if anything it makes you angry and hateful because you're the one yelling and insulting" and she says to me "don't you dare, [MTC], finish this up." and walks inside and then i say to [MTC] "hey, you ok?" and she smiles cutely and says "yeah, i'm ok" and i said "i'm gonna go talk to her" and she says "please be careful" and i say "ok" so i go into the camper trailer house thing and go to her mother and say "what is the deal, why are you yelling? what's your problem?" and she says "i've had enough of that bitch and i'm sick of her, she's fucking useless" and i say "well fuck you, she's wonderful" and walk out, and i see [MTC] up a little hill walking on the road and she says to me in a normal voice but it carried to me further than it should have in real life (how i know it's a dream) and she says "so, what happened in there?" and i said "nothing you need to worry about" and then we walk and stop at the fence to a house that looks like mine, and she pulls out a bag with grenades and just chucks them and says "fuck that woman" referring to her mother, and i say "well fuck then" and we walk off and i say "so, you uhhh, don't have a place to go now do you?" and she says "nope" and i say "my parents have a guest bedroom?" and she says "alright" and i'm like "alright" and i say "apartment?" and she's like "yep" and i'm like "alright, we'll save" and she holds her hand out to me and i take hold as the clarity of the moment hits and i start laughing and say "what just happened there, like it's all the sudden hitting me like what even happened? like the sheer "fuck it, let's do it" energy was fucking amazing" and [MTC] says to me "well because you're a cutie and i trust you" and i say "alright then, let's go" and we're now in my hometown walking somehow, and i look both ways and carry her across the street bc she's tired and light and say "me right here, jaywalker extraordinaire, look how safely we got across" and she says "mhm" after i put her down and we walk side by side over a small bridge, and we hear a puppy whimpering, and she says "ohg wait a puppy" and i say "should we go look?" and she says "yeah" and we turn around and start walking and the dream ends.

----------

so you're probably wondering who [MTC] is, and it's this girl i'm talking to who i have a date with kinda this sunday hehe, i'm very excited to video call her. we're halfway across the country but i don't care, i really like her, and i want this to work. i'm excited. anyways, yeah, i'm gonna end this entry here. to [MTC]: you're a cutie <3

1-16-2023 - January 16th, 2023 - 21:25

#450 - I Want Something

Akasi:

so lately i've been wanting something, something to do in life, something more out of it. i've been looking into becoming a trucker, but until then i wanna be a bartender, i wanna serve drinks, talk to people, etc. i just want to do something. idk. i want something to do, instead of just living to kill time. idk. i wanna go somewhere with life but i have no fucking clue where. idk. i just got stuff on my mind.

1-10-2023 - January 10th, 2023 - 18:00

#449 - Abandonment Issues & BPD

Akasi:

so the other day in a server i'm in on discord, i made a joke about people worshipping me and shit and it kept going and it made the god complex come back and along with it, some of my toxic behaviours, and other such shit. i nipped it in the bud and stopped the joke when i noticed but i can still feel the BPD symptoms coming back, i can see the need for an FP, the need for someone to take care of me and be close with, i can feel the god complex nagging at the edge of my mind, and i can feel the desire to be so completely self destructive just lurking in the shadows and i'm just so fucking upset from all of this and i have no clue why the fuck it's all coming back so much, and it's like, i also made a new friend recently who i really like and they're a system, and their encoded name is [TMS], and it's like-    i just-     i want to be close with them because i want a best friend but they said they're surprised that i'm this needy so clearly they can't be that close with me not as much as i want, not to the extent of them being an FP. and they also woke up from a nap late and it felt like they're mad at me so there's that, and i just-      it's like i'm just losing it and i'm spiraling and i have no idea what to do. i just-      just fuck....     i just need someone to be close with and shit, and like-      just fuck!!!! it just fucking sucks........           and i don't know why this just decided to hit me today of all days. it just sucks....

1-7-2023 - January 7th, 2023 - 12:39

#448 - Why The Fuck?

Void:

ok so i'm struggling understanding human things again. lemme explain the situation: so Akasi gave a (presumably homeless) guy today who was on the sidewalk asking for money "for him, his grandma and kids" $2 (per gave him $2), and i asked per why because i thought maybe per knew him, or was getting favor with him or a friend of a friend or even a direct friend or just something other than some random person, and per said "because i wanted to be nice and, well, why not, not like i can use the cash much anyways like online" and i said "so it makes you feel positive? that's why? so it's selfish because it makes you feel positive" and per insisted "no, i mean it does feel nice, sure, but i mean, stouffer's meals (microwave meal things you can buy) are like $6, and so if he needs 4, that's $24, so if i and 11 other people give him 2 bucks that's the food he needs" and i said "so you're relying on faith that other people will give him money too?" and i added a slight emphasis on faith because ik per's a LaVeyan Satanist and i hope it might make per see my side of it being our money, and there being no point in giving $2 or anything at all, and per said "well, i mean not really, if nothing else it gets him a bag of chips to keep him going through tomorrow" and i said "really? you really think that's gonna do shit?" and per said "Well yeah, at least it does something" and i said "ok, so why not just walk past?" and per said in a seemingly trying again tone "ok, so how much money do we earn a week?" i said "$20" (allowance from parents for chores) and per said "ok so if we give him 1/10th of what we earn a week, it gives him a chance to get a job and earn more money, whereas we can always earn it, we have a job currently" and i said "well then if you wanted to do shit you'd have given him $20 or something because $2 does nothing" and per said "well i don't have that much cash" and i said "again, why not just ignore then?" and per said, now exasperated "ok, just drop it" and i went silent for a moment and per said "and besides, not like you do much of our chores anyways" and i waited and then asked per "ok, so do you think you're better than that guy down there?" and per said "what?" and i said "do you think you're better than him" and per hesitated and said "i think i'm more privileged" and i said "yeah sure, look how long you hesitated" and per said "oh fuck you" and i said "what is it then? why'd you do it" and per said "because it makes me feel nice and because i had the money and why not" and i said "ok so it's primarily because it makes you feel nice and it's selfish" and per said "ok, fine, yes, that's primarily why i do it, now drop it" and i said "fine" and then when we got to the mall where we were going i said "and look at that, we made it" and per said "yeah, we did" and i said "and along the way we gave a homless guy who's probably living out of a box two measly dollars for him to do fucking nothing with" and per said "oh shut the fuck up" and i said "i was only joking, kinda. you're no fucking fun" and per said "says the Demon Alter being a prick" and i said "says the bitch who pointlessly gave out $2 of our money" and per said "no, says the bitch trying to hold you to a higher standard, and our money? how many of our chores have you done to earn it, hm? how about you put in some fucking work first before you make fun of people, now shut the fuck up" and i said "fine, whatever.". i still have no fucking clue why the hell Akasi would do that. it's a fucking mystery to me. it's irritating too because per seemed so pissed about it too, like what the fuck? i don't care about or for people, past maybe some guy i met recently, even if he barely fucking responds, speaking of, i need to consider getting rid of him. anyways. it's just a whole thing and an argument and i have no fucking clue why the HELL Akasi would do that. it's our fucking money, don't fucking hand it out to people who it'll do nothing for. ok, and i talked with people before finishing this entry and it seems to just be how Akasi lives life and shit, which whatever, fine, just don't involve our SHARED MONEY in it. it's annoying.

1-3-2023 - January 3rd, 2023 - 00:55

#446 - Look In The Mirror

Void:

well Akasi has this girl per's interested in who's shown interest and Akasi doesn't fucking see it. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. you make so many jokes about the useless lesbian stereotype and yet you are LITERALLY DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. ugh. it's annoying because I know that if Akasi got together with this girl, per would be happy, though it better not be another [CTG] situation because the reason Akasi and her broke up was because she could never make time for Akasi, not really. and it was shit timing. anyways, that's all i got to say for now.

1-2-2023 - January 2nd, 2023 - 10:46

#445 - As Shit As Expected

Akasi:

well i talked with my dad and he just went for the usual antics of "it's a lot to consider" like no fucking kidding, I'M STRESSING about it, i don't need you to fucking add onto that shit, i just need your wallet for this probably once in a lifetime experience. "it's not no" no shit, it's not no, you just say that to avoid letting me down and to get my hopes up so you can crush them when my narcissist bitch of a mother emotionally manipulates you into saying no, or emotionally abuses the fuck out of me to give up. "you being alone would be a challenge considering" YEAH I FUCKING KNOW I'M AUTISTIC AND HAVE PROBLEMS WITH ANXIETY, I DON'T NEED A REMINDER. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. ugh, it's a fucking pain. it pisses me off because he keeps bringing up the same fucking shit, EVERY FUCKING TIME I MENTION ANYTHING SIMILAR TO THIS. and it always ends shitty, EVERY FUCKING TIME because him and my mother just won't accept that i'm an adult and i want to fucking live my life and quit letting them fucking steal it from me. when i get to get a fucking job i'm immediately saving to fucking move out. i swear if they try and say no to this i'ma fucking lose it on them. i have spent years learning to manipulate them, make them listen to me and fucking respect me and i will do it again because i fucking want to go to this fucking event. i am so fucking tired of not being able to fucking fight for myself and fucking live my damn life. i am so fucking done with fucking lying down and letting my life slowly play out, just a fucking observer to it, just watching the years tick by, sitting in my room, watching my life waste away. i am FUCKING DONE with it. fucking DONE. i want this, and i want to go. and now here comes the doubt and the self destruction from BPD, all the "you won't have fun and enjoy it and waste the money" and "you'll always be an outsider to them, you'll be nothing to them" and "you'll just miss out and sit on the sidelines seething because you can't have fun" and all of those fucking thoughts now because my dad went with his usual shit. it's like they've fucking conditioned me to fucking act like this for fucking years and every time they act the fucking same my parents just fucking hurt me every fucking time they do the same shit, and it just hurts me and makes all the BPD come rushing back and i can't just use hate because i need them for this and yet it never fucking happens, the ONLY FUCKING THING that works with them is the stick, i have tried the carrot, and all they do is hate me for it. i am SO FUCKING SICK OF IT, SO MOTHERFUCKING SICK OF ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THEM GETTING IN MY HEAD AND HURTING ME AND MAKING ME SO UPSET AND PULLING THE SAME FUCKING BULLSHIT AND MAKING MY BPD SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE AND ABUSING THE EVER LIVING FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME, I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH IT, BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS, I WANT TO GO TO THIS FUCKING EVENT, I WANT TO FUCKING MEET PEOPLE, MAKE FRIENDS, LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE, AND ACTUALLY NOT HAVE A SHITTY ONE WITH THE YEARS I HAVE LEFT, I WANT TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING FUCKING MEANINGFUL TO ME, NOT TO THEM, NOT TO MY PARENTS, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL TO ME, AND ONLY FUCKING ME, SOMETHING TO FINALLY MAKE ME FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE, SOMETHING THAT WILL ACTUALLY LET ME START BUILDING A FUCKING LIFE ON THIS SHITTY FUCKING BALL THAT THEY CALL EARTH AND SOMETHING THAT WILL IMPROVE MY LIFE AND MAKE IT MOVE FORWARD INSTEAD OF WASTE AWAY IN MY ROOM, NEVER COMING OUT FOR FEAR OF BEING ABUSED AS FUCK BECAUSE THEY JUST CAN'T FUCKING RESPECT ME OR NOT FUCKING ABUSE ME AT LEAST. I AM SO FUCKING DONE BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO FUCKING TAKE CONTROL OF MY OWN FUCKING LIFE AND NOT DEPEND ON THEM FOR SHIT BECAUSE DEPENDING ON THEM IS WHY THEY CAN FUCKING ABUSE ME, BECAUSE DEPENDING ON THEM HAS ONLY GOTTEN ME HURT BECAUSE THEY FUCKING DEPEND ON ME, THEY LEAN ON ME, THEY USE ME, THEY USE ME AS A PUNCHING BAG JUST TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL LESS MISERABLE WHILE THEY DESTROY ME AND MY LIFE AND CAUSE ME TO HAVE BPD AND TRAUMA AND ALL THIS OTHER BULLSHIT, AND THEY ARE WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH MY LIFE, THEY ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM, AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF LETTING THEM BE THAT, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT, I WANT A FUCKING JOB, I WANT TO MOVE OUT, I WANT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I!!!!! AM!!!!!!! SO!!!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!. I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!! fuck! fuck....     i'm just so tired of this, i want to live my damn life, and i'm so sick of being hurt. i just want to do this one fucking thing for myself, do it for me, for myself, for my life, not anyone else, for me, to prove i can do it, to prove i'm able to, to prove me and my system can, to prove it to myself. i just want to do something huge like this to show myself i can, and to start moving forward in life instead of being stuck in my room, wasting my life away. i want to live, because otherwise the day i failed to kill myself, i should have taken more pills, because that would have been a mercy from wasting my life and being tormented by that fact. i just want to live my fucking life. i'm gonna end this entry here because i am drained, of just, everything for today. i'm done. i'm gonna stay up as long as i can and then just sleep because i'm just done with today.

1-2-2023 - January 2nd, 2023 - 10:18

#444 - Building A Life, But I'm Afraid Of Myself

Akasi:

so happy new year, and also writing 2023 will take a lot to get used to lmfao. anyways, so there's this DID content creator thing, this meet and greet where i can go and it's a whole event gala thing, and it's a whole event and i wanna go, and Void is helping plan it and stuff and this thing, this event, it seems reasonable, and it seems plausible, and that and the fact i wanna go to it, i wanna attend, i wanna fight to do this for myself, to build a life, it's fucking TERRIFYING. the fact i wanna fight for this, and i want to do this, that i have this determination, it's terrifying knowing i have it and that like it's this feeling of just burning desire, fucking burning, setting me ablaze in wanting to fight for this, to build a life, to fucking go for it, and do this fucking thing. it's terrifying, because i have barely fought for myself in my life. i haven't wanted to do anything of this caliber but this? i wanna fucking fight for this. and then [TAS] might go as well, and that would be amazing if they did, because then i get to meet them, maybe even give them a hug, and who knows, maybe i'll meet some nice girl there or something, who knows. it's just a whole thing, and i really want to do this, but it's like, i'm used to these falling through, and yet this time, i just don't care. i want to do this, i want to try and go for it, even if i know it'll destroy me if i can't, it'll ruin me mentally and emotionally, and yet i still want to fucking go, even if i'm sprinting alongside Void headfirst into a fucking brick wall because it comes crashing down around me, i still want to run with this with Void, and that terrifies me, the fact i'm so willing to do this even if i KNOW it'll destroy me if i hit that brick wall, maybe because i think i'll destroy it and keep sprinting, but i don't know. all i know is i have this fucking fire inside and i WANT THIS. I WANT TO DO THIS. and that's scary to me. that fire inside scares me because i haven't felt it and have been taught all my life to control it because it gets be into trouble, into failure and shit, and yet, here it is, burning stronger than ever, like when i wanted to drop out, it's that same desire, that same burning instinct that's just setting me alight. and sure dropping out is still the best decision i made, idk, i'm unsure of myself because when i wanted to beat [RTP] to death, and Winchester held me back, this fire burned bright then, not as bright, especially not compared to the flames of rage, but i wanted to stand up for myself then, and i want to now. i don't care if this fire burns me from the inside out. i just want to fucking DO THIS. this burning instinct is a hell of a thing and i haven't felt it in so damn long. i don't know if this is the last time i'll feel it because it's been so long, maybe if i don't let it burn and douse it, i'll never feel it again, and i sure as hell don't want that. i want to try this. first thing's first, i need to see if our parents will help pay because that's 110% needed if i'm going to go. and they're always a pain to deal with, but i need to deal with them first. i'm gonna end this entry and see about talking to them.

if you want more entries, head to The Library, this diary goes back as far as 2020. hope you enjoy/enjoyed my words.