2022

back to the Index Here and the homepage Here. notable entries are listed next, along with links to future and past entry pages. I hope you enjoy reading these

Future: My Words - Past: 2021

12-28-2022 - December 28th, 2022 - 10:39

#443 - Mirroring In Excess

Akasi:

so it never ceases to amaze me just how fucking much i can mirror people. yesterday i was talking with a new friend, who i'll call [TAS], and she was sick, and coughing. guess who's coughing now WITH LITERALLY THE SAME FEELING IN MY THROAT SHE DESCRIBED. it never ceases to amaze me how mirroring does that because my mirroring is just tied into my body, like mirroring is a core part of who i am, like it's tied directly into my nervous system, and hyperphantasia just adds to it. it's weird as fuck. on an unrelated note, [TAS] is amazing, and kinda reminds me of [TAL] in a way. i'm helping her with getting her abusive ex in jail...        and i'm realising i think the reason i'm helping and so passionate about this is because of what happened with [TAL]. the reason i'm helping [TAS] is because of how similar her situation and [TAL]'s were, and i never got to help [TAL] and i miss how headstrong she was, which i see in [TAS] a lot. gosh it's funny the things i realise when i come back to write here. i always remember things, realise things, and come to such interesting conclusions. i like this diary. anyways, maybe i'm mirroring [TAS] because i want to help her and i miss my old friend, and i'm looking for [TAL] in [TAS], but that's the thing, i genuinely like [TAS] as who she is, and not as a reflection of [TAL].......          maybe i'm trying to help [TAS] because helping her with this will keep her from going down the path that [TAL] did? maybe, i guess. i would think so because it makes sense, the whole situation started with [TAL] because of her abusive boyfriend. i remember in Entry #268, [TAL] she was logging off of social media forever, she said her BF was making her delete it all, and that he didn't want her to have any social media, and she went on to say she'd probably not be coming back at all and the tone made it seem like she was dying or going to kill herself, and i didn't know how to handle it so Winchester fronted and asked if she was ok, to no reply. i guess i just don't want to lose someone i care for because of them having an abusive person in their life, which might be why i'm being passionate about helping [TAS] and trying to protect her and her sys. i don't know. i just really care for [TAS] because she's kind, and sweet, and energetic, and she's so nice to others, including me. i just want her to be happy. that's all. anyways, this entry has been pretty emotional, so i'm gonna end it off here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

12-52-2022 - December 25th, 2022 - 21:29

#442 - 3 Months

Akasi:

well, i hit three months clean today, so that's great, i also got good gifts for christmas, and tons of time with the fam, time that was actually good unlike what happens sometimes, it was great : ) and my mom loved the laptop, i explained the meaning to her and that i want it to start us moving forward better, so she knows that, i'm gonna try and get her to install discord or something to talk to me, it'll be nice. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this : )

12-24-2022 - December 24th, 2022 - 23:12

#441 - Merry Christmas To You, Ms. Narcissist

Akasi:

well, my mother as you all well know is a narcissist, has been shit to me for many years, and yet, lately, she's learned to heel like a good bitch from my constant manipulations, banter, talking, and so on, and finally i believe we have a chance to reconcile in the new year and become close like we were when i was a kid, and so, my big gift to her, my old laptop, which served me dutifully and well, i wrapped it well including a pentagram inside the wrapping with the words "it begins" inside. and i did a sort of ritual over it to have it, shall we say, aid me in reconciling with her, and help release excess emotions, and now, the ritual is done, emotions are released, and i'm ready to start building anew with her, should her seeming openness to that remain intact. we'll see how tomorrow goes. good night to everyone, and happy holidays.

12-22-2022 - December 22nd, 2022 - 08:13

#440 - Triggers & Being Blamed For Them

Akasi:

yesterday i was talking with [CPJ-1], the host of their system, and she sent photos of her with her face out of frame to send photos of the snake she was holding and i asked why and she said facial hair and i thought "oh it's stubble, i get it, it's annoying" and it turns out it's a lot more, and i said cute thinking "the facial hair isn't her, ignore it and see the girl underneath, fuck the facial hair, it's not part of who she is or her gender" and called her cute, but then i couldn't ignore it because of triggers of the guy who raped me, and so when [CPJ] their protector who was my FP switched in, i asked her to delete the photo and explain the situation, and it was good, it was great, i thought it was done and by asking another Alter to delete the photo i had successfully stopped the trigger and avoided hurting [CPJ-1]'s feelings,. APPARENTLY NOT. so last night [CPJ] messages me saying that she wants to talk and i think "oh no, this is gonna go shit" and sure enough that instinct was right. like clockwork, every time i open up to someone or word things wrong too soon after meeting them i somehow manage to fuck it up and OH LOOK, this is the same fucking way. so yeah, [CPJ] said it's [CPJ-1]'s call on whether or not to cut me off and then HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY to say in the last paragraph of her message (not a full quote, just the last paragraph but it is exact) "If you remember nothing else from me. I care about you Akasi. You’re a fantastic and kind and compassionate person. I luv you. And I hope I can talk to you again." SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO USE LUV THERE, WHEN BEFORE SHE'S TAKEN HER SWEET ASS TIME TO REPLY TO MY MESSAGES SAYING I LUV HER. i can only see this as a manipulation tactic to try and make me more desperate for her back or whatever, or something, idk, and if i'm so kind and compassionate, why not stand up for me in the slightest and explain it to your host? every Alter in a system has a voice, it's not a fucking dictatorship where no other opinion matters. but nope, she never said she'd stand up for me or try and help [CPJ-1] understand or anything. oh and in that same message she says she doesn't think i deserve being cut off, yeah, good for you, are you gonna do anything about that? nope, she's fucking not. i fucking tried my best when i was caught off guard and triggered, and apparently that's not good enough. this is why i am glad i didn't apologise last night, and told her my thought process, because i think some part of me knew i wasn't in the wrong, took me another friend and sleep to see it. i'm done and right pissed off. if she adds me back i'm gonna be cold to their entire system because they didn't do anything wrong, nor did i, but they treated me as if i had. treating me as someone i'm not. which.....        huh, coincidence loves to fuck with me and you know what? some good came from all of this. i understand Void a little better now, huh. well, that's good. well anyways, if [CPJ]'s system comes back, i'm gonna need some time before i start caring about them again. if i even take them back that is. part of me is glad they're gone at this point.

12-21-2022 - December 21st, 2022 - 16:33

#439 - Winter Solstice, & How To Deal With A Narcissist

Akasi:

well, happy Winter Solstice to y'all! i've had a pretty good day today, even if i'm really tired after it. i've been listening to "Play With Fire" by Sam Tinnezs Ft. Yacht Money today and lately and it's a great song, it embodies the sheer chaos i feel and desire in life, and want to be a part of my life, it's nice. also christmas is coming up which means i need to worry about dealing with my narcissistic mother, which it's interesting, i've figure out narcs: they see social interaction, social status, interpersonal relationships, etc, all as some game lying under the surface that they need to play and win, and so the best way to deal with them is to play a deeper game by making it clear you're going to lift the board from under the table and expose all the dirt, manipulations, and bullshit that the narcissist has on their side of the board, or at very least threaten to do so in public by making it clear you're willing to do it with one or more person, this makes the narcissistic person fear you and keep their shit together so long as you've outlined what you see as wrong with them. home life may be shit from them playing this game and your interactions with it and the narcissist, but to the outside everything is perfect, which is what the narcissist wants, and to live in the facade successfully, all you need to do is gain control of the backstage curtain, let the narcissist play their play but when they get a bit too close for comfort, you remind them that you can still drop the back curtain, and expose everything backstage to the whole crowd, just let the curtain get ruffled a bit, just a bit, and let them know that it can drop and bring their facade crashing down at any time, and they'll back right the fuck off and stick to the script, which you have been left out of. it's the only way because if you let someone else control the facade, the narcissist will put someone they trust dearly in control of the strings to that curtain, and you will never pry it away from them unless you ruin their relationship with the narcissist, then let the narcissist tie the strings to their liking and go back down to the stage to perform, and when they do, take control, and let them know you have it, because no narcissist can perform to keep the act up and keep people in their seats, watching in admiration, fueling their ego, as well as managing the curtain to the backstage. sure they can tie it off but it needs checking, and it'll be left to almost slip here and there with the narcissist, it's why a narcissist that's totally alone will scramble and rush, knowing they're a skeleton crew, and why larger families have many people under the narcissists influence, because they know that they need to do that to keep control, but if you can insert yourself and NEVER let someone else take control of that curtain, and if someone else gets close threaten to drop it, and they'll back off as per the narcissists wishes. it's a giant act, a facade, a play, a theatre, it's all an act, and it's all outward, done for the public, just because without admiration the narcissist loses fuel for their ego, and without that fuel they can no longer run from their problems and are forced to either face them, or be consumed by them. it's why dropping the curtain is a serious threat because if you cause enough damage the narcissist will go into damage control mode and try to get allies, and try to convert as many people to their side to protect them from their problems and help them hang the curtain once again. should you let a narcissist do this, go into this mode of damage control, do it yourself, although do it in such a way that is minimal effort, as you will most likely lose your allies, your friends, and anyone who knew the narcissist, as narcissists can be snakes and manipulative, and they know how to turn people you trust to people they trust through manipulation, threats of violence, or of destroying them as you destroyed the narcissist. now, to acknowledge LaVeyan Satanism, narcissists are almost always psychic vampires so this draws inspiration from The Satanic Bible, but is a more in depth way of dealing with the narcissist/psychic vampire, including how to live within the fold, within the facade, in case you want to use the narcissist/psychic vampire for your own gain. anyways, yeah, that's the shit i have to consider this holiday season. so yeah.

12-20-2022 - December 20th, 2022 - 17:15

#438 - Anti-Hero & Laughing At People From Hell

Akasi:

so there's this song by Taylor Swift, anti-hero (it's a song on Midnights deluxe taylor's version) and one line she sings is "she must be laughing up at us from hell" referring to herself, and i love that, the vibe is amazing, and i love it. it's who i am, i'm going to be myself, unaffected and definitive and i am not going to hide myself in life anymore, and when i die i'm gonna laugh at so many people from the grave. it's gonna be great. anyways, that's kinda it.

12-17-2022 - December 17th, 2022 - 08:41

#437 - Caring For An Aromantic

Akasi:

so, i have this friend who's a protector from a system, [CPJ], and i've been friends with benefits with her, and she's also my FP (favourite person) and so like, i've cared for her pretty much from day one, but then i found out she's aromantic, and since then, it's like romance isn't that, it's more, like this caring for her, like wanting to be cute with her, and cuddle her and stuff that's more like, just cutesy shit, and not really romance, and like i really care for her and it's this other feeling, like not romance, and it's this undefined something or other that i can't find the word for, like this non romantic caring that's not like, it's not just friends, but it's not romance, but it's not like seeing her as a mentor, or a sister, it's something else, like it's this other feeling, this other kind of connection that makes me want to do cute stuff with her, be close with her, care for her, and take care of her, and be close, and always be here for her, but it's more than friends bc like, i wanna kiss her and stuff, which she likes, but it's still not romantic, it's like this weird, undefined happy medium sort of thing and that connection is just-    GAH!!!!!!!! it's just so hard to explain, like, what the fuck? how do i explain this. it's just hard because i like having words for things, to express myself, know myself, and know what i feel, but here, ugh, idk. i'll figure it out i suppose.

1-15-2022 - December 15th, 2022 - 16:43

#436 - System Discovery

Akasi:

well i decided i may as well do one of these. so for our system discovery, let's go back to school. i remember that when i was in school i'd get mad or blow up or something and i always could never remember what happened when i had the blow up after i had calmed down, almost as if i became a different person, and so one day back in like 2019 i think it was, maybe 2020, i can't remember the exact date, i was meditating, and i went into my usual imagined headspace, which at the time i called my "Mental Void" because i was in the delusion at the time, and so i see this door that's not there, it felt more tangible, more real, than what was there, or, more tied to reality? idk, it's hard to epxlain, anyways, i go into it and it's an elevator, so i go down and there's the Inner World, and the other Alters appeared. then i went into denial because i had a feeling all those years at school "imagine there's multiple parts to me" and i had this whole analogy of memories being in filing cabinets, and that's why i can't remember, and then when i discovered it i went into denial because i thought it couldn't be true, it can't be, and it didn't make sense, and all that, and eventually i accepted it and that the others were part of me and Mxy was nice to me from the start, albeit cold and a bit harsh, so i started trying to get internal communication going by making a google account for us to share and stuff, and in general trying to have some civility, and connection there. so yeah, that's how i found the other Alters, from meditating and going to my imagination only to find a door to the Inner World. it's also weird because at the time they felt linked, the Inner World and my imagination, but now they're clearly defined, they're clear and definitive, and distinct. i think it's because i broke out of the delusion and discovered the others while in it that things overall just didn't feel real, and so i was able to notice the others.

12-15-2022 - December 15th, 2022 - 14:47

#435 - Anger Hidden

Akasi:

so lately i have been so fucking angry inside for no fucking reason and i said to my friend [PMF] that it might be because people around me are all coming to me for support, they're all coming to me to talk to to vent and to give them support and with some of them it feels like they're a black hole, and no amount of support i give will fucking help them, and it's like seriously, i can't have you or let you drain away my mental health for you to feel slightly less awful for 5 fucking minutes, and like, i can't be here for that! i can't! i'm not your fucking therapist, and i'm not able to deal with that, i can't listen to you ALL FUCKING DAY or listen to 20 fucking people and it all feels SO FUCKING POINTLESS BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP COMING TO ME AND KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING USED AND ABUSED AND YELLED AT AND GUILTED AND MADE TO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO HELP EVERYONE BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DONE PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE FIRST, I AM FUCKING DONE, AND I ONLY PUT MY FRIENDS FIRST, ONLY THE ONES WHO ARE DESERVING OF THAT HONOUR BECAUSE THEY HAVE SHOWN THEY'RE WORTH IT, NOT EVERY RANDOM FUCKING FRIEND I MAKE 5 MINUTES AFTER WE MET BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING DRAINED AND HAVING NO ENERGY FOR MYSELF AND I KEEP GIVING AND GIVING AND GIVING IT ALL THE FUCK AWAY TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORK TO GET BETTER, TO PEOPLE WHO CAN'T GET BETTER AND WHO ARE JUST BLACK HOLES AND WHO AREN'T WORTH HELPING BECAUSE THEY DON'T PUT THE WORK IN TO LIVE A HAPPY FUCKING LIFE, THEY JUST GIVE UP EVERY WEEK AND THEY MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THEY'RE TRYING BUT THEY ARE NOT, THEY ARE NOT FIGHTING TOOTH AND FUCKING NAIL LIKE I DO TO LIVE HAPPY, AND THEY ARE WEAK, AND PATHETIC, AND I CAN'T FUCKING HELP THEM BECAUSE I CAN'T FIX PEOPLE, ALL I CAN FUCKING DO IS HELP JUST A BIT, BUT I'M NOT A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX PEOPLE'S BRAINS WHEN THEY ARE HURT, PATHETIC, AND SAD, AND GIVE THEM THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT AND FIGHT TO LIVE HAPPY BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN'T GIVE AWAY MY STRENGTH, IT'S MINE, AND I AM SO SICK OF GIVING IT AWAY. like i keep giving away my energy and such and people who don't fight and won't fight just keep taking it and i can't give it, and like i don't believe they're pathetic, not in full, but i do believe that i can NOT help them, sure they can probably be helped with a really good therapist but i just CAN'T, i'm not a fucking therapist. and i'm angry at Glow for offering being that to someone else outside the system, like i get she wants to help but she's our system supporter, not someone else's therapist, our system supporter. i wish her and the others in my system would just fucking stop trying to help everyone, sure be respectful, be nice, offer help if it's convenient, but don't go out of your way, let me do it occasionally for the people who deserve it, and quit letting us get walked all over, and i know most of people doing that is my fault, but seriously, i am so fucking sick of it. fucking hell.

12-14-2022 - December 14th, 2022 - 06:38

#434 - Changing Back A Bit

Akasi:

one thing i realised during the entry move is that i am weird, i am, i'm chaotic, sure i'm nice, and kind, and can be stable for others, but that's only a small part of who i am, and i realise i miss the chaos. sure, sleep schedule, that i need for the bit of stability it gives, and sure stable relationships, like not letting them become volatile, but i still want, and quite frankly need chaos in my life, i need it, it's a core part of who i am, so i've found my new year's resolution: embrace the chaos within me, in a healthy way, and work it into my life more, so that i am chaotic, but can be stable at times, and find the balance of chaos to stability, while working on coping with the couple symptoms of my BPD that i haven't gotten under wraps yet, and learning to cope more with the C-PTSD (which my therapist and i talked about and it's definitely that, not plain PTSD, so that argument has been laid to rest) so yeah, that's my new year's resolution. this is gonna be nice, and fun, and hey, 2023? it's an odd number, time to embrace my oddities through chaos hehe

12-13-2022 - December 13th, 2022 - 13:03

#433 - Within The Night, I Enjoy The Calm

Akasi:

well, all the entries are moved, i've tidied up, notable entries have been noted and given jump points, and the 2021 archive page is all set up and done. i'm gonna spend the rest of today relaxing until my therapy session in 4 hours. it's funny, it took me around 4 hours to finish this, i thought it'd take longer and be more painful, but, no, i mean sure there was some pain along the way, but, past skipping reading some of the entries focusing on the "Immortal Life" delusion, or skimming them, and skipping reading some of the entries i still remembered writing, i really read every one of them. it's-   honestly astounding. it's also really cathartic, and, i feel a bit more mature, i feel this, air of maturity coming, knowing i just re read a lot of who i was, and i know how i've changed since then, what i've done, and how far i've come, and it's-     it's cathartic, and nice to know that, and, if i'm honest, i feel a bit more mature, a bit wiser. i feel more, myself, more me, more mature, more...    ugh, what's the word? not masculine, no, hmmm....    i guess just mature. it's nice, and it's honestly astounding how an entire year of entries, an entire year of my life can be summed up in the pages of this diary....    and yet they're so long, and full, and it's astounding how much i've written on here. it's nice though. knowing i've put in so much work, knowing how deep this diary is and how raw i be on here, and how, just genuine i am, and open. it's nice, and honestly this diary is one of my favourite things in the world. it really is. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

12-13-2022 - December 13th, 2022 - 08:50

#431 - Darkness Falls, For A New Dawn To Come

Akasi:

well, today's the day, the big one, the day i move all of my entries from 2021 to the 2021 archive page. i have some music, i have plenty of water, and i'm prepared to bawl my eyes out heh. i'll make another entry and publish once they're moved, and i'll make a dynamic entry as well that's collapsible to note things from notable entries, or ones that are heavy. you'll understand it when you read it. i hope to see you later today

12-11-2022 - December 11th, 2022 - 03:33

#430 - Small Redesign

Akasi:

so, i redesigned some of the pages just a bit, changing some of the info, some of the wordings, adding some info here, and i redesigned the main page of The Library 

12-11-2022 - December 11th, 2022 - 01:55

#429 - Advice For Dating

Akasi:

so, i've been talking with a staff member on a discord server i joined recently, and she asked for advice on dating and i realised i typically give the same advice over and over, and it's that you should know yourself in full, know yourself from your shallow vibes you give off to who you are at your core, and know every aspect of yourself in full, because if you know yourself in full and keep asking yourself "is this me?" and "is this who i really am?" builds your self awareness, every time you feel or notice something about yourself that you haven't questioned, question it!!!! find out more about yourself, learn yourself in full, even to the point of psychoanalysing yourself if you want, and know yourself because here's the thing, if you know yourself, you'll gain confidence in yourself, your identity, who you are, and that confidence in yourself will build up the more you do this and the more you look inside yourself and learn all the little complex interworkings in your brain, and how you work, and then once you have enough, you'll build up extra, which you can use for flirting, shooting shots, etc. and see, the big things i tell people is that confidence is hot, authenticity is hot, so flirt confidently, and only with things you mean truly in your heart, because the person usually will pick up on both of those things. i also tell people that knowing yourself will also help you know what you like, who you like, the traits you like, and know who you want to date to begin with, before you even start flirting. it's like if you know yourself, you will know how you work, and learn more about how you interact with others, with the world, and if you expand your world view, that makes you incredibly smart, wise, and in general a better person. it's a trait, a quality, that desire to know yourself that so few people have, so if you read this, and like my site, or anything i have said, i implore you: know yourself, be wise, expand your world view. not only will it help you with dating, it also will just make you a better person in general, and doing this will also allow you to know more about yourself, and give you peace in that, and it'll help you understand yourself better, which can help you so much in life. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

12-9-2022 - December 9th, 2022 - 10:40

#427 - Friendship Isn't This

Akasi:

well, things with [JFP] finally are completely over. i'm done with her. our ideas of friendship don't align, she stopped giving me the respect i showed her by not acknowledging her mistakes by calling me "obsessive" and not apologising when i told her to not to and that that's wrong. her always liking being right was a bit of a red flag i saw from the start and i always knew it'd be the final coffin if things went south, and sure enough she calls me something insulting and doesn't apologise. that's not friendship, so bye bye. i'm done putting in effort and caring when she doesn't show it back and calls me obsessive for doing so. sure i need to take a step back sometimes, i admit to that wholeheartedly, but calling me obsessive because you want me to take a step back is unfair, uncalled for, and plain rude. i also cut out [AFA], their husband, and them and [JFP]'s other partner/friend. i'm done with their whole scene. tried things out, tried being friends, i'm done. [AFA] and i have too much history and things with them just don't work anymore, [AFA]'s husband who i was friends with, well, he doesn't really click with me, and idk, things with him weren't that close, and i know if i stop talking to [AFA] he'll stop too so no point keeping him added, and then their other friend, well, her and i never clicked to begin with. so yeah. 2 exes and 2 ex friends are gone. i left them in my server but [JFP] left (seemingly in anger) because of me telling her i'm done and don't wanna be friends and stuff and that she doesn't show me the respect i show her and want, so yeah. as for the rest of them, i doubt they'll stay once they talk to her but oh well, they wanna talk shit, go ahead. i'm past caring what people think of me. then again, they're not the shit talking types, so i don't think they'll do that, idk. anyways, time to move on to new friends. the saga with them has ended, and it's time for a new one with a nice yearly refresh. this is nice, i kept some people, got rid of the rest, and it's time to start moving forward. now, if they stay in server and try and extend an olive branch, sure, i'll be friendly, but i'm just done putting in effort until they do. i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

12-9-2022 - December 9th, 2022 - 06:16

#426 - You're A Leader, But I Want A Sister

Mxy:

Akasi and I just got into an argument and I just broke down because Akasi has had to be a leader, worry about our life so much, worry about everything, worry about everyone else, always worrying always stressing because nobody else in the system can help take care of our life and per's the only one who can do it, but the others can, they just need motivation, they need to be told that they need to make sure our life goes well. not everything can be easy. it's just so hard because I'm the one who has always been here for per, I'm the one who always cared for per, I'm the first and oldest Alter, and I've protected per from some of our worst trauma as a child, leaving per with nothing but a placeholder memory, and I've protected per for years with my insight, my intuition, and I've helped per too, and lately since per discovered the rest of us, per has had to worry about so much and had to take on the role of leader, being host, all of that, and left me behind. per's closer with Kaleidoscope because they're sisters, but I've been here first, I've been here the longest, I'm the one who's always been here. I've seen Akasi struggle for so many years, and I've helped per through it, even from behind the scenes, I spent time with per in the Inner World every now and then when per was a kid, even if per doesn't remember, and all I ever wanted was for per to be close with me, I never wanted a thank you, I never wanted gratitude, I just wanted that connection, that relationship, I just wanted a sister. I never wanted a leader, I never wanted a perfect host, I never wanted someone who was good at everything, I never wanted someone perfect, I just wanted a sister, it's all I've ever wanted from Akasi, is for per to be a sister.

12-8-2022 - December 8th, 2022 - 13:49

#425 - Worrying

Akasi:

so [JFP] is going on her first bike ride tomorrow, and it's turned into an argument between her and i. it's just-    i want her to be ok, and i want her to be safe, and i wanted to know when she's leaving, but she's not even telling her main girlfriend that, so, yeah, i'm backing off. i told her i'm sorry and i overstepped and it's like, i have to leave it at that because it's not like i can tell her i still care for her, still like her. like i know we're over but i still care so much. and she just said i need to learn what's an appropriate amount and what's obsessive, which that i don't like. it's just-     ugh. i keep wanting to care, and i keep wanting to be close but she doesn't want that, it's a hard stop. it's like she doesn't care for me anymore and doesn't want me in her life. she didn't want to play a game the other day, and stuff, and idk. maybe i'm overreacting a bit but it's like, it just feels weird how she says she wants me in her life, but tells me to back off so much, like i don't feel like a close friend, i feel like i'm barely a friend she tolerates, or just wants around for whatever reason, and when i try and show i care, like wanting to know she's home safe from her bike ride, it's like she doesn't want me to care, like it's just- GAH. it's just an emotional mess and i fucking hate how it's all so complicated. like are we girlfriends? no, that's clearly over. are we friends? it doesn't feel like it. are we acquaintances? she acts as if she wants more than that so not exactly, i mean she re joined my server, but at this point it's just-     idk. it's just a fucking mess and i don't understand like, any of it. why the actual fuck do relationships and friendships and all of this stuff have to be SO FUCKING CONFUSING. like with [AFA], we have things kinda figured out, or, well...        ok, so, [AFA] and i are cold and barely talk, [JFP] seems to be heading in the same direction. maybe i need to just cut out everyone from that part of my life, remove them all as friends and remove the friends with role. yeah, that seems like the best option. none of them like me anymore, or at least nowhere near how i want them to. none of them message first. yeah, i need to cut them out, devote my energy to new people. time for a big yearly reset of my friends.

12-6-2022 - December 6th, 2022 - 16:32

#424 - Analogies For Darkness

Akasi:

so i just told a friend that i am the girl who you always think is kind, caring, and loving, and has some darkness in per, and then when you see me get mad you realise i have true evil in me that i direct at those who hurt me or those i care for, and that i am the girl who keeps my darkness, hides it, holds it, contains it, and when someone hurts me or those i care for, the glass orb drops, and shatters, and i let the darkness out and destroy all those who deserve it, and then contain it, bring it back into the orb and close it up, and move on as if nothing happened, which is how i am. i have so many skills that are used to hurt people, and i know how to do it really effectively, but i choose not to, and only do so in defense of myself, or those i care for, or if someone shows they deserve it (acts like a bit of a prick to me and i know they've done way worse). it's a skill i rarely use, but when i do i typically scare the people around me, which is fine, because if they're a true friend they know me, and they know i won't use those skills on them, or if they don't know me, they run, and i'm fine with that. also in case you're wondering why i'm talking about this, well, an ex of mine who i never mentioned here owned the server [TAL] did, and she deleted it today. out of the blue. without asking if i wanted it. and she did so after i didn't reply to her text so i have a sneaking suspicion that she did it to get my attention. which i am extremely pissed at her rn. i'm not going to add her name here or give her a letters abbreviation because i doubt i won't be blocking her. so yeah, that's who i'm pissed at and am getting ready to fucking scream at. i'm gonna end this entry here and get on a game so i can try and calm down.

12-6-2022 - December 6th, 2022 - 00:18

#423 - Disconnection

Akasi:

well i know it's been a while since my last entry. i need to get back into that. i've been feeling disconnected lately, and fuck. i had a dream of this moment, typing this entry, later on in the enter [JFP] texts me back about the game we're gonna play because i asked her, or at least i think so, idk. anyways, i've been a bit out of it lately and i've been just-   idk. i've felt so disconnected from everyone around me. like it's depersonalisation, and i feel empty, and i know it's the BPD, but it's just been-    idk. once i fix my sleep schedule it'll go away, and i know that, but still, until then, i gotta deal with it, which is fine, but yeah.

11-26-2022 - November 26th, 2022 - 08:46

#421 - Coins Of Reapers

Akasi:

well, as you can tell by the entry title, this entry is interesting: i bought the coins! they're gonna get here next week, which is gonna be fucking amazing. i'm really excited to have them. hmmm, what else is there? oh, yeah, another Alter fronted last night, one of the two who formed from [TAL], well, ending her life. not Void. i miss [TAL]. i'm slowly getting past it but, fucking hell. i miss her. anyways, i know that as long as i don't forget her, she hasn't truly died. i guess as we approach the end of the year i'm left wondering and looking back on all that's happened this year. i mean this year has been big for me. i'm still down about things with [JFP] but i'm working through that and stuff. besides, i'll find other people. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

11-25-2022 - November 25th, 2022 - 09:53

#420 - Problem Or Not

Akasi:

well, i spoke with [JFP] about the breakup by chance and now i realise why we broke up and why Void and Mxy were so mad at her: they were mad because she broke up for essentially the same reason that every other one of my partners has broken up with me for when she had said she could handle me and promised to take a break. i think they feel that she broke her promise. though it's annoying and irritating, i get it. all i really was concerned about was being made the bad one, or being the problem. i wasn't really, it wasn't either of us being a problem, it's just that we grew apart and didn't work anymore. neither of us really did anything wrong, even though i admit she made it seem like i did just a bit. i think that's why Mxy and Void were so pissed, because they knew i wasn't the problem and they were mad because they thought that i was letting her say i was and tolerate it. i think i understood that that's not exactly what she was saying, partly anyways, because of some of the other context she said. i can see both sides now and it's taken a lot to do so, but i see it now. now, that said, in other news, i'm gonna buy two coins today! they're gonna be two identical copies of one i found on amazon that i like the look of. i'm getting them because they have some symbolism relating to LaVeyan Satanism, and they're like Lucifer Morningstar's (from the Netflix TV Show Lucifer) Apostle Coin, which is a little trinket sort of quirk thing he owned at the beginning of the show and kept on him, and it's just the right flavour of quirky and slightly edgy that i WANT ONE of my own. the coins i'm buying aren't the same but it's the same idea, and these relate to me more anyways. so yeah. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

11-25-2022 - November 25th, 2022 - 03:26

#419 - Wisdom Apparent

Mxy:

well, I've been watching some psychology videos on YouTube, and I've been noticing them mention a lot of things that Akasi already does, like little habits here, little things here and there, and it's astounding because I know that per has not watched these videos, and that per figured these out on per own, and it's astounding how brilliant per is when i see these things, like they keep mentioning a specific habit that's a core part of what they're explaining and Akasi will already be doing that, or it'll be explaining how things are separated and worked on and that per will already handle those things those way. it's truly brilliant, and it's making me realise that per's a lot smarter than me when it comes to psychology. I'm a fan of physical stuff, science, chemistry, I'm a fan of it, but with emotional stuff, mental stuff, I'm quickly realising that that's Akasi's area to shine. for Winchester, he is good with values like morality and stuff like that, honour too. it's quite amazing how all these skills are split among us Alters. it's amazing how much I'm realising now. in unrelated news, I gave [JFP] an inroad, a chance to mend things, and told her blatantly what it is. if she wants to fix things between us, the ball is in her court, even if I only did it for Akasi. anyways, that's kinda it. I'm gonna end this entry here, I hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

11-24-2022 - November 24th, 2022 - 12:38

#418 - Overthinking Out Of Defense

Akasi:

so now i said something slightly off to [JFP] and i thought i made things worse between us (mentioning the breakup) and she said it's neutral and now because i didn't mention when i saw things going wrong now i feel like things are going wrong but i'm ignoring it and self gaslighting, and so now i'm just an overthinking mess. ugh.

11-24-2022 - November 24th, 2022 - 06:52

#417 - Thanksgiving Trends

Akasi:

ok so i figured out from reading my entries from last year that i just completely become untethered from reality and life every thanksgiving for some fucking reason. it's like i get dissociating and feel the need to switch Alters because of trauma, and it feels like something inside of me is screaming "no no no this is not ok" and i have no fucking clue why i am so not okay with thanksgiving, like something about it just makes me shut down and want to curl up, especially when the event takes place elsewhere, like i know i don't need to go, and i know i won't, but i'm afraid my parents will try to pressure me or something, or something will go wrong, or idk, like something has to go wrong! no holiday has EVER gone perfectly in this family, NEVER, NOT ONE, and it's like i know this one will go bad, like i feel like there's something i can't remember that happened at one thanksgiving or something that caused me to be this way but i mean last year i started a fucking project to note down human behaviour to try and figure out how the fuck people act like fucking freud or some shit because i was sick of being told i'm an idiot or wrong or whatever and i was sick of being lonely, i mean WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? like i'm that bad at socialising i started a project like that. it's fucking weird! and it's like i know it is, i know i'm not ok and yet i just have no fucking clue why the fuck i am like this. like is this why i blew up my relationship with Jessie and stayed silent? because i felt something going wrong and it's better to not fight or argue or try and fix things in any way shape or form? like i don't fucking know! and it's driving me practically fucking insane, and i don't know why this happens EVERY FUCKING YEAR!!!!!!!! like it's just so repetitive that it can't be a coincidence, like did i blow things up with Jessie so my parents wouldn't want to meet her via video call or something? or did i do it because it'd make things with her and i feel permanent? or did i just not want to be with her? fuck no, not that one. like i could feel something between her and i changing, i knew it, i felt it, i could fucking tell, and like i knew it was something bad but i didn't say anything, i ignored it and thought it'd resolve itself or that she's ask me if it was important, or tell me or talk about it, communicate, even though i felt things changing, like, i don't know, maybe that's why Mxy and Void hate her guts, because i knew this was coming and dismissed it because she was the one saying i don't need to worry, or i don't know, maybe i did something before the whole apology fuckup? like maybe there's a part of me that couldn't accept having her be the longest relationship i've had and like stopped acting myself? or maybe i'm just completely and entirely fucking losing it because i have some sort of repressed trauma about thanksgiving that i just can't handle and so i'm trying to figure out if this feeling and that repressed trauma is what ruined things with her and am projecting the issue......      just like last year. last year i projected the issue onto my lack of friends and tried going to psychoanalysis, and this year i'm trying to project it onto my fuckup with [JFP] and lack of doing anything when i thought things were going wrong. ok so what the fuck is the common thing here? i mean, it's projection, that's identical, hmmm, what else? it's onto things i see as currently bad in my life or flawed? both are projecting onto me and my behaviours, or, well, lackthereof this year. so i'm projecting whatever this trauma is onto my current flaws. both of which have to do with interpersonal skills.....      which i mean...    is that the thing? did something happen that has to do with my interpersonal skills that traumatised me? i mean it makes the most sense but i have no fucking clue how the fucking shit that would apply to thanks-    the swearing. OH MY GOD AND THERE IT IS. i remember i said one year when i was a kid something like "let's fucking go!" when the turkey was brought out and i was excited to eat and my mom yelled and i threw a whole ass hissy fit and i think she told me to go to sleep without eating. oh wow that explains why i've been hungry the last few days, like moreso than usual, like i know-    wow. so i was getting hungry bc i thought i needed to eat a lot in advance to avoid from being starving because of the swearing. fucking hell that helped a lot. it feels so fucking simple. like i barely remember it, like i was barely old enough to see over the edge of the table and see what was on top, like i remember looking down the end of the table, my dad at the head of the table as usual, i (being the clearly trans kid trying desperately to cling to the male gender norm) sat at the opposite end, the other head of the table, because i wanted to be a "strong man" (give me some slack i was like 8) i insisted on sitting at the other end of the table across from my dad. fucking hell this like takes me back. like it hurts. a lot. like damn. but at least i mean i know what the fuck it was i guess. fuck. i'm gonna end this entry here and go cry my eyes out.

11-24-2022 - November 24th, 2022 - 05:54

#416 - Under Pressure

Akasi:

ok so why does it feel like now that [JFP] and i have broken up it feels like there's this part of me that's relaxed, like i knew things were going to fail. idk. oh, i also found this new thing called "bionic reading", which is a cool thing for neurotypicals. it's cool. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this.

11-23-2022 - November 23rd, 2022 - 05:11

#415 - Cold Emotion

Akasi:

well i went on a walk in 35 fahrenheit for around 2 hours, and i got home and now i'm just crying because honestly, i just don't know what else to do. i don't know how else to express my emotions and so i'm just crying. so yeah.

11-22-2022 - November 22nd, 2022 - 09:04

#414 - Old Friends?

Akasi:

well, [OJF] added me back on discord, and idk if it's her being toxic or manipulative or genuine because i know narcissists will add you back or randomly message you and ask how you've been, which is their way of knowing if they still have access to you, but so far it seems genuine, idk. i'll add more on this as things go. i hope to see you in my next entry.

11-22-2022 - November 22nd, 2022 - 02:52

#413 - Looking Back Through These Words

Akasi:

well, i used this diary for one of the reasons i made it: to look back and see my private justifications for things, namely leaving [PMF] back in Entry #35. i've begun making a private little document to track the people in my life, when i met them, who they are, all of that. it'll help me keep track of who and what i like and such, and help me in life because i'm pretty bad at making friends sometimes because of the Autism, and this document will help me both avoid mistakes, and help me see and track my flaws in a more concise format than this diary does already. honestly having this site has helped, and means a lot to me, and it's one of the thing i find true joy in using, making, and writing in, even if my entries get a bit scattered from time to time. also as we approach year's end, it'll be time to add another archive page to The Library for my entries from 2021, which is one of the huge projects that i honestly look forward to every year, and get excited for. it's a chance for me to skim the entries i'm moving to another page, look back at my life, what i thought, and said, and see who i was 1-2 years ago. the current setup in The Library is a tad dusty, and messy, as i planned on making an archive page for every month and only have the current year on this page, but then around new year's this page would be empty, and i'd feel obligated to fill it (which would turn me away from adding to this site), but i'm realizing that this main page can handle two years' worth of entries and load just fine for most people, even [PMF] who's in Australia with notoriously bad wifi can load it ok, so i changed my plan a year ago to have this page be 2 years of entries, the current year and the previous one on here. it'll be fun to move all these entries and i'll probably move them closer to New Year's this time, as the last time it was near the end of January because i had a lot of mental health struggles at the time. this year it's gonna be really emotional to move them so i may move all of 2021's entries over a bit before christmas, and just allocate myself a day to read them all and move them. you know, maybe that's what i'll do, move them all in a day, take the time to read them all, take it slow, and take breaks throughout the day, take it to be a really gentle day where i get a break from life for a bit. yeah, i like that. give myself a break while i move all my entries over to the archive page, maybe let a few friends in on who i really am. yeah, that sounds nice. have a cup of tea, relax, chill, have therapy later in the day, move my entries. i like that. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this

11-21-2022 - November 21st, 2022 - 21:39

#412 - Inspirational Lucifer

Akasi:

so i've been rewatching the Netflix TV show Lucifer, and in the show, he has this coin called an Apostle Coin, a coin to allow the damned to ride the ferry of the dead in mythology, and so i've been looking for a coin like that to have as my own thing. see, he carries it around and keeps it with him at all times in the beginning of the show (it's used and destroyed later, i won't say how bc spoilers) and so i want a coin like that. it's quirky, unique, and it'll be something i can easily get emotionally attached to. it's also something i can use for a coin flip if i need. the coins i'm looking at have two latin inscriptions on them, "e pluribus unum" on the front, which translates to "out of many, one", and there's different designs for the front, all with that inscription, which is nice, and then on the back the coin has some Satanism symbols and the inscription "es quod eram lux sit eric quod sum" which translates to "you are what i was, and light is what i am", which works and will help me leave people behind in life. i want to get it, but idk which design to choose. i'm asking [PMF] to help because he knows me insanely well and he and i have been a lot closer recently, so yeah. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry

11-21-2022 - November 21st, 2022 - 06:40

#411 - Break Ups

Mxy:

well [JFP] broke up with us as you may know. I was also dating her, and I really loved her. it was a group decision she asked us to make regarding the apology and she decided she wants to break up with Akasi and I? that's fucking bullshit. all I did was try and treat her right, and I would say I did a pretty damn good job. I'm pissed that she decided to break up with us, namely me. I freeze over so I've been doing that, but I apologised to her for my final messages being harsh, but I'm still pissed. I never want to see her face again, and Akasi can talk with her, but I never want to interact with her ever again. EVER. I've apologised, and I've settled things. I'm done with her. I gave her chances, and asked for them, nope. there's nothing I can do other than move on, and I'm going to do that by never interacting with the bitch again. I hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

11-20-2022 - November 20th, 2022 - 19:35

#410 - Warpaths

Akasi:

well, Void went on a warpath earlier today, and i've been dealing with the aftermath of its warpath and it's been really toxic, which sucks. i yelled at it and we even fought, a lot, in the Inner World. it's just been shit today. i have had to put out fires all fucking day, and clean up, and apologise, and it just sucks. i don't even know what to say. i hope to see you in the next entry i guess

11-20-2022 - November 20th, 2022 - 05:06

#409 - Trigger Switch

Akasi:

well yesterday, [JFP] brought up something in a way that accidentally trigger switched me out of front, and Mxy into front. it was tough and i think we've kinda resolved it, but idk. things still feel tense and i'm trying to keep from getting stuck on it, but i'm just-    idk. i just worry things won't go well or something. and it's also hard to fully forgive her. [PMF] suggested to me that i wait and see how her and i move forward, and that's fair, so i'm trying to start that with[JFP], but she's busy today, so idk. i just really am trying. it's like i want this to be nothing, i want it to be a small thing, to be a hiccup with us, not a huge rift, but it can't be tiny, and i know it can't, and to say it is would just be gaslighting myself. it just hurts, and it upset me, and like-      i just don't know. i'm still upset, but this feels like something that needs to be made up for, not something that an apology fixes, like i know it was an accident, but she needs to show me that she'll be more mindful with me. it's like-    idk. i just want to spend time with her, and have her show that like, she's going to do better. it's just hard because it's on my mind again and i can't stop thinking about it, like i'm still upset, like this is a serious thing. i don't know. me and my system need to discuss this i think. i guess i'll do my chores, discuss it with them, and then sleep. yeah, i think that's what i'll do. or just go and take a break from fronting for a while. i just don't want to be around [JFP] right now, and i want someone else to talk with her for a few days and get a feel for how much she regrets her mistake, and cares, and just get a feel for her feelings because like she said that we're "dragging her over the coals" and "all attacking her", and i told her like, she needs to hear our opinions, and like i can make it easier, we can agree to something but she needs to hear our opinions because it affects all of us. idk, just the way she shut down Arkasa talking to her about it and stuff, it just seemed like she didn't want to hear or see or feel the consequences of her mistake. like i get it was a mistake, but like, if i accidentally triggered a system to switch, i would deal with them all talking to me, like that's not a "we talk for an hour and we've all stated our opinion" sort of thing, that takes a couple days, at least, and so i'd be willing to hear them out for a couple days before i was like "ok, please stop because this is too much", like, idk. i don't think she truly understands how it feels, or truly understands it all, and isn't willing to try. like it just felt like there was this disconnect. maybe it's like other times she's really upset me, and i want to hear her apologise on call. maybe with Mxy in co con. yeah, that would probably help. then again, i don't know if she's willing to do that. i'll talk to her about it i guess. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this

11-18-2022 - November 18th, 2022 - 10:37

#408 - Exhaustion

Akasi:

well, i woke up to my alarm today. i feel exhausted and just plain off. it's weird. i just feel-     icky

11-18-2022 - November 18th, 2022 - 00:46

#407 - Ideas For Change

Akasi:

so i started writing a story just a bit ago and i had an idea: write some entries in a detail-heavy first person perspective, almost story format, just as a habit to help build and keep my writing skills sharp. this is gonna be a practice entry.

so i have this thing called Hyperphantasia, it makes my imagination really realistic. i want you to imagine something for me, a small clearing, a small meadow, surrounded by rock faces, filled with flowers, with a small stream running down into a lake, simple, yet elegant, you can feel the breeze, smell the flowers, the faint sensation of pollen in your nose, you can hear the water running, falling and splashing down into a lake, all in vivid beautiful colour, see, i can imagine that over reality, i can imagine seeing things in front of me, and see them, but not, i see them in my imagination, like post-processing, but i can still see the original, so if you told me to imagine a person, and told me all the details, i could imagine something really close to the real person standing in front of me, or i could invent an entirely new person out of thin air. i can do all this in my head, but there's an issue: i can imagine and mimic real life in ways that i end up confusing what's real sometimes. it's why i have those delusions, from imagining those things that seem so real, but they're not, they're just imagination, and i struggle with it, and it gets hard sometimes.

yeah i can't do much more, i'm gonna do a normal entry because that's a bit too much work for me today to write much more, but yeah, i struggle with the hyperphantasia, it's hard, like it's wonderful, but sometimes i just get sucked in. oh, i also joined a new server on discord, which is nice, but i'm back to the usual fears of "nobody likes me" and "everyone hates me" and "everyone's gonna fakeclaim me for no reason" and it's like, i'm afraid of how i'll react, like if they hate me so much and fakeclaim me and vote to ban me or some shit i'm gonna ask to be banned because that's next level toxic, but then it's like, i have no reason to think they're like that, they've been nothing but nice to me, idk, i'm just being overly cynical for no reason. it's just so hard to feel like places are good, y'know? i'm so used to everything being temporary to the point that i'm practically traumatised from it, like everywhere i have ever felt safe or welcomed has kicked, banned, or hated me, or someone acted mean and i told them off in a way that people didn't like, or i acted self destructive, and it's like stability just doesn't work in my mind because instability is all i've ever known, like with [JFP], it's like, it's fantastic, and stable, but it's so rare for me to get that that i have no clue what to do, and i just, i enjoy it because i don't even know what else to do, and that took MONTHS of her reassuring me and being really real, and stable, and constant, and all of that, and i still sometimes think the occasional intrusive thought, but like, idk. i just really love her, and idk. ugh. it's all just a mess in my mind. idk. i'm gonna see if sleeping helps

11-12-2022 - November 12th, 2022 - 17:08

#406 - Fuck Authority

Akasi:

so i was heelying in the store, as i have for months, and today the manager who happened to see me asked me to not do that, and it annoyed me to i talked to [JFP] about it, and she started talking about consequences, which i already know about and don't care about, and it became an argument and we just can't see eye to eye on, and like i told her, listening to authority? conforming? obeying the rules? all those have only gotten me hurt, abused, mistreated, and in general victimised, either by others when authority did jack shit, or by those with authority themselves. i've had this problem with authority for fucking YEARS, and this lady telling me not to do something simple and fun is so stupid, like really? i've seen people using carts in the store almost crash into each other, or hit each other, and multiple times at that, and i haven't hit one person. people try and remove anything fun, and try and exercise their pathetic amounts of authority over the smallest of fucking things and it's so stupid. for YEARS i have hated authority, hated people with power, and hated how unfairly people are treated, and i HATE how every time i try and listen, try and give someone with any power any sort of respect and don't defy them, don't challenge them, they end up hurting me. it's so fucking annoying. as a kid i was mistreated all my life, and the only causes were because people with authority wanted me to conform to their bullshit, and when i didn't, they didn't try and help, because they didn't care, and then they tried to abuse me into conformity, and i'm so fucking sick of it. i have problems with authority and for good damn reason. like ask me to slow down? sure, fair, i will. that's fair, to make sure i'm staying careful, but past that? you're just trying to suck the fun out of things and be controlling. ugh. now it occurs to me that when i own a house, i would have rules and stuff, but i wouldn't invite people over who i wasn't sure would behave. i wouldn't. and that's different because it's my personal space, not a store i'm managing. if i were managing a store, i would ask me to just slow down and be careful, which is 100% fair, and maybe add on to make sure nobody's in the way, but she asked me to just stop completely, and it's just so stupid. ugh. honestly authority just pisses me off.

11-10-2022 - November 10th, 2022 - 23:46

#405 - Fire Inside

Akasi:

lately i have felt this fire inside of me, this deep, burning hatred for [CTG]. i did a satanic ritual to destroy her to help cope, and lately i've been thinking of [TAL], and had a lot on my mind, and i really should come here more often, but i forget all too often. i should set a reminder to write here because it helps. i've been thinking of fire a lot lately for some reason, like i can feel this burning fire inside, like wildfire, just burning ever stronger, fueled by my emotions, and it keeps filling me up, and i don't know what to do with this wildfire, and i can tell it's building to an explosion, i can tell i'm going to become engulfed in flames of emotion and burn anyone around me and it's scary but there's a part of me that wants it, there's a part of me that wants to burn bridges and start again from ash. not all the bridges, just a few. or at very least burn [CTG]. i fucking hate her. i'm not 100% sure if she did what i and my system think but she's the only logical explanation, and regardless i am angry. i am so so angry, and i want to destroy something, destroy someone, brutally, i want to hurt someone, or yell, or scream, or cause a conflict because i feel this fire inside, and i don't know where to direct it, and i NEED to direct it at something, someone. it's just this endless burning in my stomach that is screaming out, screaming to be released, and i am just so, so fucking angry. it's a lot, and i'm in need of screaming at someone or something, but i'm just waiting for someone to direct it at. it's like how things built and built preceding my attempt to kill [RTP] when Winchester held me back, it's that same fire, a fire of hatred, of things being bad, of me being hurt, and of me hating it and hating the cause, in this case, i believe that's [CTG], but again, i have no proof. i think if she ever comes within my sight again Winchester may very well have to stop me from killing someone again because pain and sadness and fear has caught fire and become pure, deadly, burning HATRED. i'm not gonna go after her but if she comes into my sight again, she's gonna learn real fucking quick just how much i hate her and am sick of letting people hurt me, or she's gonna learn real quick how to explain herself, because maybe she didn't try and have those people kidnap me. to think i cared for her, and let her kiss me of all things, and delude myself into thinking things were great and that i shouldn't give up, never again. honestly writing this entry has let me burn off some of that hatred, but i'm still gonna need to write another entry tomorrow i think, so with that, goodnight, and i hope to see you in my next entry.

11-3-2022 - November 3rd, 2022 - 00:31

#404 - Bouncing Back

Akasi:

so yesterday me and [JFP] talked, and relaxed, and all of that, and it was wonderful, and last night as i was getting ready for bed we did a thing we call TPE Night, which TPE stands for total power exchange (it's a kink thing where you let the other person make all decisions for you, lots of submission of control), and so i got to relax last night and just exist, and not have to think much, which took a serious weight off my shoulders, enough so that just a bit ago i was able to re live the kidnapping attempt in my mind, with hyperphantasia, run through it again in my imagination, know everything, check for stuff i missed, make sure i have everything noted down and memorized, all of that, and now i'm feeling a lot better. now i can actually start bouncing back, which is gonna help, a lot. so yeah, i think i'll be back to normal in a few days now, hopefully. anyways, i'm gonne end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

10-31-2022 - October 31st, 2022 - 07:10

#403 - Being Stupid

Akasi:

well a while ago i went on a walk with a knife and shit because i still hadn't coped with yesterday, and when all else fails extreme emotions work, including blind rage, and so i walked trying to see if the people from yesterday would try again so i could, well, attack them. i got home safe and promptly got scolded at by Mxy and [JFP], and i realised two things. i'm still learning how to live functionally multiple, and the other: i'm still learning how to bed loved. it doesn't click in my mind that other people love me. it's like there's this part of me that appears sometimes when i get really mad where i lose all sense of connection, like i get so blindly mad i lose regard for my own life, the lives of others, the people i care about and my connections with them, it's like this part of me that's broken and it's like self destruction, and emotions, and idk. something. it's been there since i snapped on [RTP] and Winchester had to hold me back. it's just-    idk. i've patched things up, but i definitely need to do better. i hope to see you in my next entry.

10-30-2022 - October 30th, 2022 - 06:10

#402 - Kidnapping Attempt

Winchester:

yeah you read that fucking title right, we nearly got kidnapped. some cunt tried it while Akasi was fronting and i was in co con. a SUV/van stopped along the road by Akasi across from us and turned the inside lights on, and pulled a garbage bag from the back seat to the front and then after we had walked off down the road, a while back they came around and followed us slowly, and stopped 20-30 feet behind us, and then per hit the panic button on our phone and got per knife out and walked home, knife in hand. i came into co con as they started following us, and then took front fully after we got home. i have a feeling it might have been [CTG], but i'm not sure. i told her i don't think she's smart enough or cares enough to try that shit but to stay the fuck away from us. that's not ok, not in the fucking slightest, even if it's not her she's still sketchy because i mean come on, the early morning right after Akasi broke up with her? yeah, if she had the ability to do that she could have arranged it before bed, and while i admit it's unlikely, i still think it could be her. i also removed everyone else that Akasi recently added that i didn't recognise. i'm going lockdown on fucking everything. this is all very fucked up. i hope to see you in our next entry.

10-30-2022 - October 30th, 2022 - 03:40

#401 - Welcome To The Real World

Akasi:

well, things with [CTG] are now over. i really cared for her but we had plans today, which we originally made weeks ago, and then got cancelled and moved and then yesterday she cancelled again because now she has to go to a doctor, hmm, funny how we can't just do it tomorrow, or she can't come over here, which she offered to do tomorrow to the mall, which ok, sure, but the movies have closed down there, oh, and look at that, it's halloween and i have family commitments that are every year on halloween which she knew about, hell, we got in the local paper for it once. so that won't work and i told her if she could come over here, fine, maybe, and that i really wanted to go to her place, and nope, neither works it seems, or, well, she never gave an answer and just gave an excuse, she didn't offer a compromise or different plan, she just gave an excuse, and it's funny, she made this QPR thing out to be i'm lowly prioritised but still prioritised, but no, she didn't do that, even when we made plans weeks ago, and i've been trying to make plans for almost a month now i think, and i watched this tiktok that put it so well. i was convenient, not a priority, which is not what i want, especially not when she makes it out to be that i'm prioritised, even if it's low, but you would think that when we had plans and she had to cancel that we could reschedule them, not that she would do some cheap emotionally meaningless trip to the mall. i wanted to go to her place to cuddle, lay there, talk, hug, all of that, and PDA isn't her thing, so i couldn't just sit on a bench with her and lean on her, and when she apologised i told her apology is meaningless because, see, an apology is an admission of guilt, which is feeling regret for something or feeling badly about something that you feel responsible for, and if she actually felt responsibility for it, or guilty, she would find a way to fucking fix this instead of just giving excuses. i knew from the start that this is how it would end, i knew it in the back of my head, i thought "she'll never have enough time for me, or room in her life" and guess what, look where we are now. it's also interesting because [CTG] seemed to already struggle to fit her other partners into her life, so i think i may very well be the first of many to be done with her because she can't prioritise me, or them, properly. welcome to the real world [CTG], where if you hurt people they're done with you and don't give out chances for free when you've mistreated them. now maybe things will go well for her and she will move on with her life having learned nothing about how to treat people from how things with her and i went wrong, or maybe she'll get her shit together and message me and apologise and ask to come over tomorrow and hang out for halloween and be here with me, or just show up randomly and ask for me and apologise in person tomorrow, maybe even today, or maybe she'll learn from this and move on with life and be better, or she'll ask for me back later in life, who knows how it'll all turn out but as of now, i'm done trying to be with her, it's her turn to put in effort. i walked nearly 10 fucking miles to see her a few weeks ago, just to see her. my longest walk ever was 12. she can walk the measly 6 ish miles to come to me and fix this tomorrow, or even today. either way i don't know what will happen. i suppose that's why my entries end like this, showing the different outcomes i see in people, and explaining the ones i expect, i mean it's telling of what i think of the person, which with her i think she's not apologising or putting in any effort again, and she's gonna try moving on, and just learn something or nothing, though i doubt she'll try and reconnect later in life. i also think it's to remind anyone who reads this that we all have options in life, and what ones we should choose, and that nobody knows what another person will do, not 100%, and that chaos, randomness, chance, coincidence, they all can affect how things go, and i suppose also because i hope the person the entry is about reads what i think and tries to be better, or change, or something. anyways, that's all for this entry. i hope to see you in my next entry.

10-21-2022 - October 21st, 2022 - 14:11

#399 - Splitting?
Akasi:

ok so [JFP] said to me that she's sorry for not being able to reply or give me attention today bc of chores, which i thought like, she doesn't need to feel bad for that, not like she did anything wrong, and so i ignored her apology bc i didn't feel i needed it and i said "okay..." and she said "could you try not to say things like that? feels a little guilt tripy" and it's like-  it immediately upset me because i don't try to guilt trip anyone and it made me feel like i was a manipulator again, and so i said "i'm not trying to, it's more just i feel discouraged and it's the emotional impermanence. i'm sorry." explaining without really elaborating, like my simple apology where i don't go into why what i did was wrong, because i don't actually think i did anything wrong, which i mean, technically that makes it a non apology, and it's like, i genuinely felt bad and stuff about not getting attention, and it's like-  i never want to guilt trip people, everything about me goes against that directly, and i hate it, and for her to say that, it's just-   it made me feel guilty in the moment, and apologise, but it's like i did it out of instinct and not stopping to think why i am apologising, which i admit is a habit i need to break but still, it's like she made me feel guilty, which is like a reverse guilt trip? so then that technically makes her a hypocrite, which bugs me, and it's like-    it's the exact level of thinking that i used to use when i was around manipulators all the time, when all my friends were manipulative almost all the time, or things were going super shit and i was in survival mode, and she made me use that same like, aspect of who i am, and i don't like using that part of who i am, it's not great, and toxic, and it feels like i just tainted the relationship because of doing that, regardless of it being her fault or not. what i should have done was say "i'm not apologising for my feelings and you shouldn't apologise for something like an occasional day of chores", but i didn't, and i just don't know what to do. i'm asking a friend and i guess i'll make another entry soon. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

10-18-2022 - October 18th, 2022 - 09:37

#398 - Findings

Sephir:

well, i think it's time i started fronting more. i always enjoyed it even a bit, and have been a recluse since [VGL] decided to just disappear off the face of the earth for the most part. it's time to leave her behind, grow into my own person. if she comes back then great, otherwise, well, i'm past hoping she will. i also figured out some email stuff which is super cool so now we can all have our own email. anyways, i suppose that's it.

10-16-2022 - October 16th, 2022 - 11:17

#397 - Free Time & Deja Vu

Akasi:

so, now [JFP] has been looking for a job and i've been worried about it since she said she was going to start, and now i asked her if she'd still have free time and she said "nowhere near as much" and that she "should be spending what's 'free time' applying to them" and put free time in quotes, and like, i had been trying to not let it upset me, the her looking for a job, and like, i tried to stay calm, and now, it's the same thing that happened with [CTG] just after longer. [CTG] got a promotion and lost almost all free time right as we met, and i barely see her at all, and then now [JFP] is losing her free time too, and it's like this keeps happening to me, and i already have no friends, it's just-       it just feels like i should quit trying to date or care for people like that, it just sucks. i just get so fucking discouraged.

10-12-2022 - October 12th, 2022 - 04:34

#396 - Quotes & Racing

Akasi:

so, i just invented a new quote: "we may not see eye to eye, but we're still holding hands". i said it to my GF, [JFP], as we talked about things that we believe and came to a close. which is great. i've also been talking with her about her most likely being a system (which makes sense tbh, now that i see it). also i've been LOVING playing NFS Heat, it's been so fun, and now i have a nice save on PC instead of Xbox, bc my original platform was Xbox, and now i have a nice save on PC too, which is great. i also had therapy yesterday, which was a tad harder because, well, i missed a week and opening up was harder. i've also noticed myself being more closed off lately, i suppose bc Mxy said to me that i need to stop being so sensitive during winter which is why i get upset more easily and get hurt and such, but idk, it's been a bit anxiety inducing opening up, i think bc fae scared me when fae yelled at me about fixing myself, but idk. maybe we need to talk it out, or maybe i just need to cry. idk. anyways. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one.

10-10-2022 - October 10th, 2022 - 02:14

#395 - Wisdom & Character Limit

Akasi:

well, a couple friends have come to me for advice, and one of them i nearly hit character limit with when replying, and it's reminded me that i miss supporting people, it's so nice to know that i can help them. i just really miss it, y'know? like there's nothing more satisfying and happy for me than helping someone, it's why i made this diary public, so some people might get some of my advice and stuff and understanding, which is nice. i also just love the very personal and rawness of my diary here, it feels nice, especially as a lot of people aren't genuine at times, and so this here being all my feelings, thoughts, everything, it's nice. it's also helped me become the real, true me, the one that i've always wanted to be. it's been amazing. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here : ). i hope to see you in the next one whoever reads this

10-5-2022 - October 5th, 2022 - 16:36

#394 - New Devices

Akasi:

so, i built a PC yesterday! it's insanely powerful, and i'm still getting used to the keyboard i bought for it, which is why this entry may have a few typos, but so far i love it, a lot. it' so clicky and nice, and as for the PC, it's insane, it is a total monster and it barely fits underneath my desk because i got a huge cube case, and it is astoundingly awesome. it's able to run games totally fine, and it looks amazing on the TV i use for Xbox, which is what i've been using as a monitor for now. it's been amazing. as for lifey stuff, well, i've had some nightmares recently, one about a bear attacking me, and things are going good with [CTG], so that's good. oh, also, [AFA] randomly brought up one of my entries too! it was the first time anyone did that, and it was great, honestly just thinking about it makes me grin because i fucking luv them, and knowing they still read these is great, and means a lot. it was nice. speaking of i've been reconnecting with them some more. it's hard, but i think we're doing pretty ok, i just wish i could know how to be a better friend because when me and [AFA] are happy, we're both really happy, and we really care for each other. honestly we're like some sort of sibling duo or something, idk. who knows, maybe [AFA] wants to call me "sister", gosh, that's a hell of a thought, if [AFA] wanted to have a sort of chosen sibling dynamic? i mean it's kinda crazy to think, i mean the reason we met was because i was broken after losing [UAG] as a chosen brother (to [UAG]: FUCK YOU, MY HATRED FOR YOU STILL BURNS HOTTER THAN HELLFIRE IN THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART) and so i joined this mental health server, and [AFA] was a supporter and so we met that way, so it'd be interesting to see things come full circle like that, although it'll be scary if they do because i know how shitty things worked out with [UAG] and how bad [AFA] and i have gotten at times. i don't know, i guess i'll let [AFA] come to me if that's the case, or maybe i'll ask them in a few days, idk. what else is there? honestly not much, least i don't think. yeah, that's kinda it, so i guess i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this

10-3-2022 - October 3rd, 2022 - 02:03

#393 - Queer Platonic Relationships

Akasi:

so, [CTG] and i talked, and she wants, apparently a queer platonic relationship, which is like, halfway between friends and girlfriends, like, kinda the same but a lower priority for her, and less willingness for sexual stuff, which like-    i mean i don't mind. so it's like to her like kissing and stuff, and it's like-    i've been wanting a relationship like this with almost all my best friends, and never had the words for it, and like, it sounds nice but i fucking love [CTG], i know i can never say it to her, because of how people view that phrase, her withdrawing it, and like, boundaries, and all of that, and it's a mess, but like i really fucking love this girl, like i don't even fucking want sexual stuff, not until a long time from now, after surgery and i sort out my trauma, and i'm better with it online though, and it's like, i want that with her, but i also want to be her girlfriend, i want to be able to tell her i love her, tell her i care for her, like-    i want to be girlfriends, i want that, because i know i love her, and i've known that since fucking date one, hell, on date two at her house, i wanted to tell her i love her after i sang to her but i stopped myself, because i told her i'd let her come to me, and now it's too late for all of that, and even if she reads this entry, nothing will change, and i don't know if a queer platonic relationship will be enough for me, if it will work for me, like if i'd be ok or if i'd just be left longing because i can't show her all the love i feel for her. like i'm that girl that when i like someone, i love them, and i don't let them go, and i love people extremely deeply, extremely deeply, deeper than almost anyone i've ever met, hell, everyone, with maybe 3 exceptions, maybe, and i never show it because nobody loves me back enough to show it and people see it as "lovebombing" or whatever, when in reality, it's just the intensity of how much i feel, like i truly love people, and i show them i love them by going above and beyond until i'm running out of the energy to do that, and then i recharge by taking it slow with more cuddles and less doing things that are "extra", and keep showing them i love them with less effort, and then i start right back up again, like i'm one of the most passionate lovers i've met, hell, i can confidently that nobody has ever shown me the same amount of passion, save maybe [AFA] and [JFP] on the best days with them when those happened, and yet it seems that [CTG] just doesn't love me back enough, and just doesn't care for me in the same way, and like-   then there's the whole not wanting to be committed without accidentally neglecting me, and it's just so complicated and i don't even know what the fuck to feel! like why can people not just FUCKING KNOW ME AND LOVE ME AS DEEPLY AS I LOVE THEM AND WHY CAN I NOT FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE THEM, AND AS PASSIONATELY BECAUSE WE JUST FIT TOGETHER, BECAUSE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I JUST WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE IN FULL, FREELY, OPENLY, PROUDLY, AND PASSIONATELY, AND WITH A DEPTH DEEPER THAN FUCKING ANYTHING, AND NOBODY EVER WANTS THAT WHEN I WANT IT OR SOMETHING ALMOST THAT STRONG IN ALMOST EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE, AND WITH ALMOST EVERY PERSON I LOVE!!!!!  FUCK!!!!!! like i just want to fucking love someone as deep as i can and nobody wants to share that, like is it that i'm so wrong and so fucked that i can't have that? is it that nobody else has emotions as intense as mine? is it that i'm just unlucky and coincidence loving to fuck with me? is it that i'm unlovable? like what is fucking wrong!  FUCK!!! i just fucking love this girl and want to be her girlfriend and have her be my girlfriend, like i don't even care if it takes a while to find where i fit into her life, like if she loves me she could make just enough room for me to fit in and things to start going well, and grow, and maybe in a year we'll be close as fuck, and i'll be here for her, just platonically loving each other to bits like she does all her other GFs, except i could come over, cook, make food, sometimes maybe spend the night there, cuddle her, give her attention, get attention, and just-    go on stupid dates and cute sappy ones and this shit, and i could sing to her like i want to with all my partners, like-    i just want that fucking chance, but i don't know if just stopping at queer platonic relationship will be ok, like start there sure, maybe that will work, but past that, there needs to be room to grow into girlfriends, because i love people too much to just stop at queer platonic relationship. then again who even fucking knows if this is all too far, i sure as hell don't. hell, maybe it is and all of this scares her, the fact i feel this intensely, and things will never work, i don't know. i just know i fucking love this girl and want to be her girlfriend. that's all, for fuck's sake. anyways, i'm almost unable to cry and i wanna spend what little tears i have on crying myself to sleep, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

10-2-2022 - October 2nd, 2022 - 23:10

#392 - Emotions, Unsorted & Otherwise

Akasi:

i've realised that in my time of not questioning myself, i've had a lot of emotions building under the surface, and i'm shocked i haven't had many ill effects in as long as i have, it's only been a couple weeks, but still, i've had a couple screw ups, but they've been less disastrous as i would expect. i've been lonely, i have no real friends, [AFA] has been distant, but i've been changing that the last couple days. [JFP] has been a bit scatterbrained lately; her ADHD makes her have her head in the clouds sometimes, which is fine, but lately it's been a bit harder for me. i have really nobody else. i thought that starting things up with [CTG] would help, or go well, and when they didn't, i felt upset, angry, and i felt used because i mean, she was my first kiss with a girl, i mean my FIRST kiss with a girl. as a 19 year old with BPD, hypersensitivity, and a fuck ton of trauma, that meant a TON to me because it was one of the few wonderful experiences in my life, one of the ones that was perfect,, and then her just telling me that there's no room in her life for me barely a week or two later? i felt used, as if she just wanted to have fun, and pretend it didn't mean as much to me as it did, and it just felt like she had ruined such a good memory. and then how i felt when i went to her place, so safe, and calm, and everything, hell, my other entries speak about that, and i loved it, and her just seeming to shut the door on me made me feel horrible, and her saying she wanted to stay in touch or whatever, i thought "with how you treated me, you can't have this both ways, you can't say you like me, and then say this won't work" and i felt used, or, toyed with in some manner, i felt like i wasn't being treated with the respect i deserved, even though i could tell she was trying, and i knew i liked her - and i still do - i just got mad and up and left. then tonight, and the last couple nights, i've been excited about the PC, and unable to sleep, or at least-   that's the lie i've been telling myself. i've gotten so good at lying to myself, hell, i did it for two years in the delusion, but really, i've been excited with the PC and using that as a distraction to avoid trying to find a way to work things out with [CTG], because i want that. a lot. i know that we can't date, at least not for a while, maybe never, but i at very least just-     idk, i don't want to cut ties, but i don't know what we are anymore, or what i want us to be. i don't know, maybe i'm just being sentimental for no reason. i just know that i was unfair to her when she said that she couldn't commit to us being anything, not even girlfriends, and like, saying she was going to unintentionally neglect my needs. i don't know, maybe she hit some unknown trigger or something, either way, i was-     i was so upset and i just wanted her gone and i wanted her to admit she did something wrong, which, she didn't really, i just wish she told me what was going on in her life before i got my hopes up, before she kissed me, like explained to me that her job took up most of the free time she had in the beginning, and, that day at the park, she said "i love you" but withdrew it, and that-     that just felt so manipulative, and remembering that, it makes me mad again, but like-    ugh. i just think i need to have a conversation with her, which is why i'm still up at this forsaken hour, to talk to her. i just hope this goes well. anyways. i hope to see you in my next entry.

10-2-2022 - October 2nd, 2022 - 01:28

#391 - Love & Hate

Akasi:

so this entry is a bit late i know, it slipped my mind. anyways, i'm awake at this hour because i can't fucking sleep. i started thinking about if [JFP] and i lived together, and what i would do to defend her and protect her if, say, two men came into our bedroom and tried to kill us, and every ending ended with me killing both men, brutally, gorily, and PAINFULLY. and i enjoyed every hateful second of it because if someone tries to kill her or hurt her I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL THEM. if someone tried to kill anyone i know and care about i would at very least leave them extremely traumatized from how i would act towards them (cussing yelling, hurting, etc) and/or crippled. or if i care about the person enough and get angry enough i would fucking kill them. GOD I SWEAR TO ABADDON I FUCKING HATE THE IDEA OF SOMEONE DOING THAT AND I WOULD RIP THOSE PEOPLE TO SHREDS. i am so overprotective, and i play moments and things through my head, but tonight, i just got so riled up and angry and pissed and wanting to fucking hit something that i can't sleep. i'm so pissed, and through this entry, i'm doing what LaVeyan Satanism outlines: venting hate through ritualised expression, which this diary, this site, it's a bit of a ritual, anytime i get an emotion or a thought and i don't know how to work through it, i come here and post my thoughts. it's not exactly a ritual, but it sort of is. i think that's why i come here, because i need this, and i've been avoiding it because a while back, [JFP] said something to me, she said "If i may, i think the reason you want to delve so deep into yourself and into others is because you still have a lot of growth and development to do into your identity" which i guess made me stop questioning myself, who i am, which is not the person i want to be, i want to be the person who questions everything, even myself, make sure that i keep myself on the right side of things, stay true to myself. i'm never going to stop changing, i've changed a ton in life, yes i may have some constants, like i've figured out some of my go to clothing styles, i've figured out my gender, sexuality, etc, but still things fluctuate. i'm a demiwoman, because some days i feel agender, and most i feel female, but not always one or the other, and for sexuality, i'm lesbian, but considering maybe sapphic, and for attraction? i like a LOT of types of women, but i am fundamentally chaotic, and i am fundamentally always changing ever so slightly. i'm like a shapeshifter, shifting all the time, changing all the time on the surface just a bit mostly, sometimes by a lot, but inside i'm still me, y'know? idk. i need to start coming here and writing more, working through some of this stuff, start getting thinking again, getting going, instead of shutting down my self questioning, my curiosity, because those things are what make me special, the ability to change, to find myself more, find myself in others, and through those mild changes, i can connect with people, empathise, and sympathise, and help them, make them happy, and make friends, which lately i have been sorely lacking in how many i have. i need to start my changing again, stop settling down and slowing down. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

9-25-2022 - September 25th, 2022 - 18:48

#391 - Stretching The Bounds Of Coincidence

Akasi:

to address my previous entries, [JFP] and i are good now, we talked it out and we're all good now. now, to talk about [CTG]. well, it seems after one date at her house i've-   well, apparently she's had firstly being really busy with work, then streaming and out of state girlfriends coming over, then a migraine, and just now she said that her GF had a death in the family. and this is with rapidly decreasing texting, and me putting in all the effort. even with my life story being "coincidence loves to fuck with me", this is going pretty far and stretching even that, and i'm sick of putting in the work. yeah she's cute, nice, great, all that, everything i look for, but she doesn't care about me back. now, if she's being truthful and not just making excuses, then maybe i should be a little more caring, but after weeks of work trying to stay in contact, i'm just sick of it. i know when to give up, and now's the time. i removed her on discord and simply plural. we'll see if she leaves my discord server (proving that i'm right and she's making excuses to not see me again), or she'll add me back or message me and ask me out or something and apologise for radio silence. i'm putting my bets on a 46% chance that she messages back and it's all shitty coincidence to the next level because fucking hell, this is getting extreme.

9-23-2022 - September 23rd, 2022 - 18:32

#390 - Hypnosis & Consent - Part 2

Akasi:

so to continue on my last entry, [JFP] and i had a talk, we talked, she apologised, all that, and now it's like it's hitting me all at once, but also not. since she did that i just-    i don't feel connected to her how i did before. i took off the collar, all of that because of it, and because of going back to chaos, partly because i don't know if her and i are over. i just-    i feel like she broke my trust on such a deep and personal level, and like-     i associate it with consent, like consent with NSFW stuff, and given my trauma, i think it's understandable why this whole thing has me so just-     not ok. she's saying like "i didn't think and i shouldn't have done that and i should have asked" and it's like, did he overthink? the one who did you know what? like it's still fucked, and not ok, and i can never forgive him, but it's making me question that and it's upsetting as hell, like i just-      i don't know how to trust [JFP] anymore, and not because i'm paranoid, but because this whole thing really hurt me, like a lot, and i don't know how i can trust her again, or if i even can. like i've been lovey and sappy with her today and stuff, but it feels almost fake, like-    i-   i just don't know which way is up anymore, and like all my instincts are telling me to go with the route of just shutting down, refreshing my life, finding some new friends, phasing out my old ones, tapering off caring for them, and slowly abandoning them until the day i block them, and like, i don't want that, but i also know that my instincts have been getting better, but i just don't know, and then like [JFP] says super sweet and nice things, and i just feel like it's all fake, or a manipulation, or her just trying to avoid losing me. i also have no idea how she's going to react when she reads this entry because it's entirely contrary to how i've been acting today, all day, and that shows to me that i'm in trauma response, fawning, it's my go to, and i just-     i don't know what to do because of how hurt i am. i really don't. i don't know if i should take space from her, try again tomorrow, have her do the hypnosis thing tonight as a "hey it's not bad" like i had to do with her down there being, well, put simply: ladycock. that was something i had to deal with like "women with this, trans girls, they are not the same as men in this regard", like exposure therapy, or if that'll just make this all worse and i should just refresh my life again. honestly the sucky thing is that around this time, i'll usually blow my life up because of being self destructive, and the one year i think things are going well, this happens. it's like life is only teaching me that having BPD, never trusting stability, being a cynic, all of that, it's all right, and so i want to trust my BPD instincts, but i also don't, because i want things to be different, but then it brings into question how would they be different? will this just me traumatising? or will [JFP] and i fix things and it'll all go well? it's just so fucking complex. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i guess i hope to see you in the next one, whether it's a part 3, or a breakup entry, or whatever.

9-23-2022 - September 23rd, 2022 - 02:58

#389 - Hypnosis & Consent

Akasi:

so, the other night, as i was falling asleep, [JFP] used her hypnosis voice (she's been practicing) and she didn't tell me beforehand or ask me, and i've been having weird dreams the past couple days, i've been more vulnerable, and when my parents act how they do, i really can't afford to be vulnerable, and it's not who i am. i'm not the girl that's vulnerable, not like this, this level of vulnerability is reserved for special times with those i trust with my life, body, mind, and soul, and who i would never see hurting me. it's something i'm luckily able to undo within a few days, but the fact she did it is just-    it's not ok. i remember thinking "hmm, is she using the hypnosis voice? hmm, i don't care, let's fall asleep" and like i should have asked, stopped her, and i would have, but the hypnosis was making me feel less inclined to keep my boundaries, it's like it was throwing me back to who i was when Winchester had to be hyperdefensive to account for my sheer incapability to protect myself in any way, shape, or form, and it's not something i like. it's not something i can handle. and recently with the argument of her and I and stuff, and her saying her partners trusting her is important, it just-    it feels off. like i want to trust her, but in this, she used her judgement, and i didn't like it, and i don't like it, not with this. if she told me, and i consented, sure, fine, we'd be saying "don't do this again" but since she didn't ask it's become something bigger. if this were anybody else i'd be blocking them, enforcing my boundaries, having this entry as her only explanation, but i want to trust her, and therein lies the problem, "i want to trust her" "if this were anybody else", both of those are things that are based on my judgement, and when she's made me feel vulnerable, and how i did when i had visibly bad judgement, how can i say what is right? it's just a clusterfuck. if i go off logic only, lay out what she did, she did not ask to hypnotise me or use that voice, she did it anyways. it has had a negative effect on me causing me to feel upset, and as though i can't trust her fully as i thought i could beforehand. if it were my friend, i'd tell my friend to take some space, get back to not feeling vulnerable, then come back and work things out with said partner, and hang out with me while they're vulnerable and i'll help encourage them to have boundaries and stuff (more than i usually do with my friends). that or i'd tell them to break up if it bugs them enough. i'd probably tell them to block the person, or something. i just don't know what to do. i suppose i could let Winchester handle it, but idk. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next entry i guess.

9-22-2022 - September 22nd, 2022 - 11:05

#388 - Chaos & I

Akasi:

well, i just got fronting, and i saw Mxy's entry, and fae's right about my loving chaos. chaos is fun, it's nice, it's new, it's exciting, like if you embrace chaos and instability, then you can have so much fun. it's hard to handle and deal with, but it can be fun, that's why i like having friends and people i care about to lean on sometimes. if i'm honest, i've been a bit caught up in stability. my interests and objectives and personality have mellowed out, levelled off, it's been boring. i know the answer isn't going to the dark side like Mxy said, but chaos is my language, being chaotic, random, free, all of that, it agrees with me. being independent i suppose is what i like. gosh yeah, that sounds like it, being independent. i like it. i don't like relying or leaning on others. as much as it may be nice sometimes, i want to reserve that for when i really struggle, and only have a small extent of how hurt i can be that i can't handle, so if needed i'll just go MIA. i suppose i miss that, being the chaotic, ungrounded girl i used to be. you know i just realised. i wear this collar 24/7 for [JFP], i suppose i could ask her if i could take it off for a while, just, experiment, see if it's fun to have it off. idk, i guess i'll try it. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

9-22-2022 - September 22nd, 2022 - 10:49

#387 - Is Fighting For Peace A Worthy Conflict?

Mxy:

so, as you may know, i'm a pacifist, and, well, i've realised that trying to accomplish peace, it may have conflict behind it. i would prefer to never fight, but what constitutes a fight? arguments? causing another person emotional or mental pain? if so then nobody can truly be called a pacifist, and nobody's never gotten into conflict. but then does physical pain and damage constitute a fight? and if it does, how does it differ? i suppose i've been questioning what's peaceful and what's not. acting in self defense, or defense of another, sure, that might be peaceful if it's defensive, like locking a door and keeping someone from getting through, or holding back an aggressor by staying between them and the person they're mad at. i suppose i'm beginning to question my oath and beliefs that peace should be one of the most important things. i suppose peace is only possible if the people in this world can be peaceful, which i suppose points to our nature as people, and that some of us just prefer chaos, and violence, even within my own system, Akasi struggles with peace, calm, stability. per's been enjoying it, but at per core, all of us know that Akasi likes chaos, per gets a thrill from it, this-     insatiability from it, from chaos, and per just adores it. then again, per's idea of stability is having people around per that per likes, and can share in the chaos, but also be a guiding light when per strays from chaos to darkness. i suppose Akasi has always love chaos, the beautiful light and joy it can bring, but when per knows or meets someone who can be a light in the dark, per's drawn in like a moth to a flame. i suppose i should let per handle these thoughts. i don't need to figure per out, per does. anyways, i'm going to end this entry here, as i'm feeling switchy. hope to see you in the next one.

9-20-2022 - September 20th, 2022 - 00:36

#386 - Sleep Switching?

Akasi:

well i just woke up, but i got memory bleed from going downstairs, i think sleepwalking, and i think it was another Alter, so that's interesting. i guess i'll have to see if it is another Alter sleepwalking, though Simply Plural (pretty much the best DID app there is, worth a try. i love it) shows nobody else fronted, so if it was sleepwalking, it could have been me. i don't know. it's just weird. then again i'm exhausted and a little starved because i never really ate anything of substance yesterday, but food is in the microwave as i type, so yeah. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

9-12-2022 - September 12th, 2022 - 20:14

#384 - Cycles & Chaos

Akasi:

well, things with [JFP] and i are actually ok, but we almost broke up, well, she almost broke up with me, but now things with [CTG] are seeming to be going wrong. it just feels like my life is coming crashing down again. i told [CTG] to read the entries from the Doorway To The Darkness series, (i'm just gonna abbreviate entry series' from now on so that they remain easy to search for), and if she can still say she cares about me, fine, otherwise to just block me, which with my luck, i'd say she's gonna block me, but she's been nice, like ridiculously nice and great, so i say there's only a 60% chance she'll block me, but you never know. i guess now i just gotta wait.

9-12-2022 - Septembder 12th, 2022 - 14:24

#383 - Being Hurt

Akasi:

well, my wintertime misbehaviour is starting. i tried guilt tripping [JFP] over a boundary, which, i didn't know it was a boundary at the time, i was just trying to get her to open up, to try something, but i never realised how guilt trippy "just try it once" is. it's the way my parents got me to do shit as a kid all the time, and usually it made my Autism lose it and just fucking upset me and hurt me and pissed me off. i guess i kinda knew what it was doing but i didn't fully get it, i don't know. either way, she snapped at me, and, well, yelled at me, and it sent me into a spiral because every time i was snapped at i got traumatised. every fucking time, and i just shut down, my memory shuts down, and i just get ready to be abused and traumatised again, and i fucking fawned, like went into trauma response in preparation for abuse because i was that fucking hurt, and it's like, i know i fucked up, but like-   i didn't need to be hurt the way i was, like she could have said "don't. that's guilt tripping. that's a hard boundary. /neu, srs" but she said "don't you dare phrase it like that", snapping at me, like, i think you see the difference, one is like, attacking me, and one is setting a boundary, and it just-     it hurt so much to the point i can't trust her, like i can't, and afterwards she immediately went into being nice, and kind, and calm, and like, comforting me, which like-   the only times someone has comforted me after yelling are when they were calling the cops, or trying to get me to let my guard down so they could just subtly and slowly insult me and hurt me as they "comforted me", like she did literally everything to show me i'm going to be hurt, like literally everything, and like she says she was trying to genuinely help and me comforting, but like-    after you snap at me, i can't trust anything you say if you try backtracking, i can't, i have to assume you're trying to hurt or manipulate me because everyone who's pretended to be nice has just hurt me, i've been betrayed, abandoned, and in general just hurt by the people i've trusted most, so with how much i trust [JFP], i need to take this seriously, and so i lost it, i fawned, i went into trauma response and getting ready to be hurt, and i just fucking lost it. one of the things about BPD is you're constantly thinking "fight or flight" when it's not necessary, but in my life, it has been necessary, it's what's been keeping me safe, taking things like this as threats, no matter who it's from, because i have never ever ben able to truly let someone in, and then she and Mxy argued and all of that, and like-   this morning she said she should have used a tone tag and stuff, which ok, fine, but she didn't say "sorry" and then i said "and" and told her i wanted an apology and she said "my bad, i thought i said sorry in my last message" like what? i forget things in my messages sometimes, but apologising isn't something i forget to do, and so like, i have to guess she's trying to gaslight me, and i have to assume the worst, and it's like-       i don't know how to trust someone anymore. like i can't, not now, and not ever until the person has shown they've earned it, but when they shatter my trust, like [JFP] did, i just don't know if i can, or even should forgive them, in this case her, i don't know if i can, or should forgive her because like-      i've been learning to find people who care about me and treat me right and like, i know [JFP] almost always treats me right, but i'm going to be second guessing her every move for weeks at least, and that's going to piss her off and then she'll lash out and hurt me more because she doesn't understand that it's just me struggling to find a way to trust her again, and i don't know if i can explain this to her, because like-    she doesn't have any clue how much i've been hurt, and how serious this is for me, like she thinks this is just another spat, but no, this is me looking for a reason not to break up with her because of how upset i got last night and how badly she hurt me, and the fact that i don't trust her, and for my safety and mental health, i can not, i can't take this risk with her because every time i take a risk, it hurts me, and like, as fucked as it sounds, it feels like the only way i could trust her is if she knew that if she hurts me again like this and breaks my trust she'd die, like a swear upon her life, like the Unbreakable Vow from Harry Potter (obligatory, but: fuck you Rowling, you TERF ass piece of shit), because that feels like the only reassurance that would make her treat me well and make me trust her. even just the fact i'm saying all this shows how badly i'm spiraling, and i just-    i don't know how to deal with this. i have no idea. i guess i'll just have her read this entry and give me a reason not to break up with her, and if it's a good enough one have her promise to not hurt me again unless i deserve it (i can acknowledge i needed to be told off a bit which would upset me but that's unavoidable, this hurt has gone way too far). to her credit, she could have been 100% genuine, but with how many people i have known who faked it, i can't take the risk and trust that she was being 100% genuine, not until she somehow shows or convinces me. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

9-12-2022 - September 12th, 2022 - 12:34

#382 - Freezing Down

Mxy:

so my emotional reactions aren't the best, last night proved that. Akasi lost per shit and was extremely hurt but managed to see the good in [JFP] and apologise and message her and stuff and then cried perself to sleep. i know Kaleidoscope barely kept per ok and stable because they're like inseparable sisters. when someone in my system hurts i physically can not trust someone, like i can not trust them, especially not when they're the one that hurt my system, it's an incapability, and i just freeze up and freeze my emotions and handle the issue emotionlessly, but when the person is someone i'm also dating, that's hard, and it makes her feel, well, persecuted i imagine, which i understand, yet i have no clue how to stop that and still get a resolution to these issues. i don't understand emotions well, i only understand basic ones, like feeling persecuted? that's my guess because like, persecutor the role/adjective/type of person, and System member role, i acted like that last night, which i suppose speaks to who i am. perhaps it is me being too cold and heartless that makes me a persecutor, but an external one because i cause external issues while fronting? i'm not entirely sure. fronting more as i have been lately has been showing me that i'm not a good fit for this world, and i don't make friends nor people i care for because, i guess i just don't have an emotional need. i'm fine on my own, i don't need nor particularly want people in my life, i'm fine just sitting alone in the snow, but [JFP] fell into my life, and i actually like her quite a lot, so that leaves the question: do i know myself that little that i don't actually entirely like being lonely, or have yet to uncover some emotional mystery, or is [JFP] merely an exception to my enjoyment of loneliness and solitude? i suppose i need to answer that in the coming days, weeks, and perhaps even months. until i do, i hope you read Akasi's entries, and i hope to see you back when i have an answer.

9-11-2022 - September 11th, 2022 - 20:28

#381 - I Need To Open Up

Akasi:

hey, so, it's been a while, and sorry for the entries, or, well, a lack of them, i've been shutting down lately, which, i guess, idk, i've been shutting down more lately, like i've been shutting down, shutting up, silencing myself, almost-     withdrawing into myself, into the Inner World, letting Mxy front, but idk, i'm kinda just tired of dealing with shit. the new girl, [CTG], she's been nice, and i think we have a date this Wednesday, but i don't know if i'm going to be able to get a ride, which kinda sucks, like i want to spend time with her, i want to get to know her, get closer, but i just-     i guess i'm afraid of what'll happen if i do, like what will i feel, how will i get attached, it's just-    i guess it's scary. then i also know how fucked up my mind can be, hell, the Doorway To The Darkness Series of entries shows that i'm seriously fucked in the head......                 maybe it's because i dislike who i am? or.....      because i'm afraid of myself? i mean i know that i am afraid of myself in a way, like i fear what i might do if i snapped, if i went bad, if i had a Darth Vader arc, like if i ever snapped one day, i can promise anyone who reads this that i would make national news for the fucked up shit i'd do. it's why i fear the day i snap, and i do everything in my power to make sure that day never comes. i'm just afraid [CTG] will end up thinking i belong in a mental asylum, i guess i'm afraid of her judging me, or not liking me anymore, like i can tell she likes me, and is interested in me, hell, she pointed out the goofy cute shit i try to do sometimes as cute, and so-    i just don't want her to end up hating me, like this is my first real life relationship in at least 3 years, and the first one i'm even relatively serious about, and it's just-   it's scary. i guess i'm just afraid of being hurt again. yeah, i think that's it, that i'm afraid of being hurt again because i really like this girl, i really fucking do, like i'm really sure and serious about her because like-   i know when i like someone, and quick, it's why i fall for people so quickly, because i know who i like. anyways, i kinda just don't know what else to write, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i'm gonna try and start writing here more, and i hope to see you in my next entry.

9-7-2022 - September 7th, 2022 - 16:23

#380 - The Meaning Of Life

Akasi:

my idea of what the meaning of life is this:

understanding yourself to the fullest extent that is possible, and understanding those around you that you care about to the fullest extent possible so that through that you may have the most positive experiences as you attempt to live life to the fullest

i know that's a bold claim but think about it. fights, problems, all that, usually stem from a lack of understanding and sometimes a lack of perspective, and so if your goal is to understand yourself and those you care about, then you will know how you and them work and figure out how you work together and interact so that together you can have the most positive experiences, and then you understanding yourself? that makes you happier because you know what makes you happy, sad, etc, and why, so you can use the why to help yourself figure out other issues and understand yourself in other areas better. pair that with trying to understand others as much as you can as well, then you both will have wonderful interactions and experiences as you both try and live life to the fullest because then at the end of your lives, you know each other a lot, you care a lot because of it, and have a lot of positive experiences to go along with that. if i revise or edit my thinking on this, i'll let you know, but this also leaves room for interpretation and other things for people to change their perception of it to their idea of what living life to the fullest is which if you make anything, any set of ideas, or set of rules, they need to have room for editing, because things that are specific and strict are too often bent or left behind entirely. also "that is possible" some people may have trauma or other things in their way of understanding themselves or others, which is fine, but i think breaking through those to better understand yourself and others is a sign of true maturity, emotional and mental. in cases such as DID however, breaking through amnesia walls or trying, that's bad, and again, "understand yourself and others", other Alters aren't 100% you, merely parts of you or connected to you, as they have their own memories, experiences, etc. which makes them unique. not everyone will agree with this, but this is my idea, my definition, my meaning, and it's one i sure as hell hope people agree with. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

9-6-2022 - September 6th, 2022 - 19:23

#379 - New Cute Girl

Akasi:

ok so as you can tell by the title, i have a new person i'm dating hehe. i just spent like 6 hours with her and they were some of the best of my life, like we cuddled, and held each other, and like-    i never thought that it was possible to be attracted to someone like this, like all the little bits of fuzz and hair on her arms, her face, her body, her clothes, her smell, her hair, like-   i know this probably sounds a little weird but fucking hell she's so cute and like being around her makes me happy and being with her makes me happier and she's just-    she's just so sweet, and nice, and kind, and gah! i just fucking love this girl already. i know i can't exactly say that yet because i know she's not ready and i'm going to let her say it, just like i let her kiss me, and her kissing me, i-   FUCK, that-   wow. she went to the bathroom at the beginning of the movie, and then came back and she kneeled on my seat and like gently pushed me back and then kissed me and like, with a bit of tongue and just-   fuck! like that was - as stupid as it sounds - my first kiss with a girl. like i kissed a guy before, once (i very much was not sure of my sexuality) and it just didn't feel, well, magical, like with [CTG], who now has a name in the My Words Notes page, and who also is the girl from my last entry who i mentioned. also just feeling her next to me, and just-   holding her, and holding hands, and the hugs, and the kisses, and just-  fuck! everything about her is just-   wow. women are just-   yes! i'm so fucking gay like holy shit. today was great. i'm also excited because she said i got a second date and i'm hoping to come over to her house next time, which will be great. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

9-5-2022 - September 5th, 2022 - 16:45

#378 - Storms, Trans Girls, Halloween, New Shows, And Lifey Stuff

Akasi:

so as you can tell by the title, then things are pretty crazy in my life right now. firstly it's storm season so i'm 99% sure Winchester will come out more to front because i fucking hate storms. as for trans girls, well, things with [JFP] have been great, and i even met a new trans girl yesterday too : ) she and i have a date tomorrow as well so that's gonna be great. as for halloween, well, that's coming up which is significant because it's the first Satanism holiday! the fall equinox, so that's awesome, and then my fam also does a ton of stuff for the holiday too. as for new shows, well, on September 16th, Fate The Winx Saga season 2 comes out on Netflix, and that's the day i am waking up and i am rewatching the whole show start to finish, through season one again and then into season two and through to the end. as for lifey stuff, well, i've had therapy going well, the rest of my fam is going camping this weekend (but i'm staying home bc i want to) and yeah, things are going pretty good albeit a bit chaotic. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

9-2-2022 - September 2nd, 2022 - 17:01

#377 - Having A Breakdown

Akasi:

so as you can tell i'm not ok. i heard and saw two cop cars fly by my house and i thought they were going to turn around somewhere and sneak back and then arrest me for something. i kinda ran away along a usual route i take walks on and was like-     a ways away but not too far while my girlfriend, [JFP] was trying to get me to stop and i ignored her, and i honestly think that it's just me having been looking for a way to get out of the house and go because i don't feel safe here between my parents being abusive and that thing from Entry #375 having traumatised me. honestly i just-     i think the concussion i gave myself was just delaying my freak out and the cop cars and shit and paranoid ideation kicked in and just sent me on a freak out. i don't know, i just-    i'm really upset and i'm gonna try and take it easy for tonight because holy fuck, i'm not ok, and i nearly fucking ruined things with [JFP], which with this being the best relationship i've had i considered throwing my phone on the ground and instead threw a rock when i thought i might have. i just love [JFP] so much and like the thought of her doing what i was doing? it hurts me so much and it makes me realise just how much i hurt her and that-    that hurts me so fucking much, knowing how much i hurt her, because i love her and the last thing i want to do is hurt her, hell, i want to live with this girl one day, and we have a great bond, albeit a tough one at times, but i still fucking love this girl so fucking much, that if i lost her, i-     i don't think i'd be mentally okay for months, at least. and hurting her? i'm gonna do everything in my power to make it up to her because that's the least i can do. i'm gonna go cry for a while and then have dinner and just go the fuck to sleep because i am so exhausted. i hope to see you in my next entry i guess.

9-2-2022 - September 2nd, 2022 - 10:17

#376 - Psychological Toying, Manipulation, & Mirroring

Akasi:

i've just had a brilliant idea to handle my parents abusive bullshit. mirroring what they do, but subtly, showing them their hypocrisy by holding up a mirror, but subtly. i'm going to begin to sing songs around them while having my headset on so eventually they'll catch on, and hopefully realise that being how they are is bad. now, i admit, my dad isn't that bad, but he keeps getting played by my narc of a mother, so she's the problem here, and she needs therapy, hell, she's the only person in the house who isn't in therapy, and i'm so often victimised that i have the most of it. anyways, this is gonna be fun, and a bit of a war. i hope to see you in my next entry.

8-27-2022 - August 27th, 2022 - 06:05

#374 - Triggers & Trauma

Mxy:

well, [AFA] just made an offhand joke about taking 100 pills when talking about pain meds, and it triggered me, well, instantly, not even take a second, it just instantly made me tense up and feel that fear i felt when i found out what Akasi had done, as per had explained in Entry #156, and so it's just really upset me, especially considering we recently lost [TAL] because she killed herself, and i just-     i didn't think i really had any triggers, but apparently OD is one of them. something not everyone knows is that the next day, i had to clean up the bottles, hide them, and make sure nobody found out. i got us crackers and ginger ale to eat (we threw up a lot), i kept an eye on Akasi all day, and made sure per helped nurse us back to health, i did all of that, and have been there since, and just-    all of that made me so much more sensitive to the issue i suppose, but, yeah, regardless, i figured i'd note this stuff down here, especially because i need to vent.

8-26-2022 - August 26th, 2022 - 04:34

#373 - Scatterstim

Akasi:

yeah, that entry title is weird, scatterstim, i know, it's not a word, at least it wasn't until now. i've learned something about myself, which is that apparently BPD and Autism have a unique comorbid symptom, that being if stimulation is too scattered - scatterstimmed - then you get emotional episodes it seems, least that seems to be the thing, so i need to withdraw into my headphones with active noise cancelling, and disappear into them and have that one, singular, focal stimulation blasting, which is actively helping. it's also helping to have metal music playing because the chaotic and wild nature i figured out a while ago is very, VERY effective at grounding me because it reflects my emotions internally, and due to it reflecting that i can connect with it easier, similar to how people connect with people who they feel reflect themselves, hence BPD mirroring being so extremely effective. anyways, i'm going to end this entry here, so yeah, i hope to see you in the next one.

8-23-2022 - August 23rd, 2022 - 13:29

#371 - My Fault - Last Entry Part 2

Akasi:

well, the part two is because my last entry was correct. it was my fault, and that day, that was me being wrong, that was my fault, and i was right. it's like saying that and telling [AFA] all of that just opened this door, and it's one i miss being open with them. i miss being close with them, and i'm just happy i finally did something right. we're gonna "start over" tomorrow, which it seems this may be the first step them and i have taken in weeks in the right direction. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

8-23-2022 - August 23rd, 2022 - 00:26

#370 - My Fault

Akasi:

so i started thinking about my last entry, why i think and feel the ways that i do and i think it might be my fault. a while back [AFA] and i had a horrible fight and they were being what i thought what was manipulative, but they were just going through extremely turbulent emotions i realise now, or at least i think, and that's a BPD thing, and so i think maybe what i was doing there was wrong and instead of helping them not be manipulative, i was making them hide their emotions, so i guess all of this might be my fault if that's the case. i don't honestly know and i'm too upset right now to really think about it but i couldn't sleep without noting this in another entry. i'm gonna go to bed now i think. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

8-22-2022 - August 22nd, 2022 - 23:33

#369 - Friends Fight

Akasi:

so, [AFA] and i had another fight and it's to the point they were apparently crying, which i was only told by their fiance who they live with, and it's like, fucking hell, i'm crying right now because i know how much [AFA] and i have felt and been through and how much i care for them as friends, hell, they're my best friend, and i hate when we fight, but i just say to myself "we'll be closer after" every time, but every fight seems to hurt so much more every time, and i just- i just wish that them and i could talk, and they would communicate their feelings more, like i hate that their solution to everything is shut down, and shut out, i hate it, it's their most infuriating and annoying and fucking obnoxious and harmful and just downright fucking awful quality, is that they never let me in, they see their emotions as bad, or volatile, or something to be afraid of when in reality i just wish they'd fucking feel them and let them out, like even when they scream at me and yell, like even then, while it may hurt, it's better than them shutting down, and it just makes it so fucking hard to deal with [AFA] because they never talk to me like that, and they say it's because it makes them vulnerable, and it makes them feel hurt and stuff, but for me, i share my emotions all the time if possible, either here or directly with those in my life, and i just get so close with people because of it and i love it so much and i love sharing in other's emotions, to me sharing in another's emotions is one of the greatest gifts of human life, sharing our emotions, like animals don't have as many as we do, and we're lucky to feel them as much as we do, in a way, because it sets us apart from animals, like while they can be a problem, they're still something special and unique to everyone. name 2 people you know who always have the same emotional reaction in every situation. you can't can you? because there's nobody like that. and i just fucking with that [AFA] would share me their emotions, talk to me about them, let me help them figure out what they feel, because their emotions keep hurting them and they don't even realise it and like i've helped them with this and letting their emotions out some but it's still so infuriating when things like this happen where we just don't communicate our feelings well, neither of us, and it makes me shut down sometimes because they don't like emotions, [AFA] doesn't like emotions, and it's so annoying, and upsetting, and it's just so weird to me if i'm honest, like i've made every effort to get them to let out their emotions, every effort to make them feel cared for loved, and i keep falling short because they're just afraid of their emotions, and it's like they're afraid of me because i keep trying to get them to let their emotions out, or maybe they're afraid because i let mine out all the time, i don't know, either way it's just so, so, so fucking infuriating because we fight so fucking much sometimes and it hurts so fucking much and i just wish they'd talk to me, even if they have to scream, i'd wish that we would fucking talk, and that they'd just-    idk, i just wish they'd let out their emotions freely, but they just never fucking do and it fucking hurts, it hurts me, and it hurts them, and like, it just makes me fucking hate them! i fucking hate them for not letting out their emotions, i hate them for it, and it's taken me so long to say that because i didn't want to tell them or admit it to them or say it somewhere they'd find out but i FUCKING HATE [AFA] FOR NOT LETTING OUT THEIR EMOTIONS EVER FOR FUCK'S SAKE, it's just so infuriating and after months of friendship it still pisses me off like nothing else, like i love them so fucking much but that one quality of not letting out their emotions is just so infuriating and i hate them for it, and i've almost ended the friendship and blocked them over it multiple times over that one thing, that one quality, that one issue because it pisses me off so constantly and so much that i am so sick of it and i truly and genuinely HATE THEM FOR IT, like i just wish [AFA] would one day explain everything they feel, explain it all, use word strings, analogies, everything i use to let out my emotions because it takes a lot of effort, and it takes so many coping skills and workarounds for me and it's taken years to get here but i just wish they'd fucking try it, even fucking once, for fuck's sake. it just hurts me so much because if i don't know how someone feels, i don't know how to care for them or be friends or be close, for me, emotional connections are the basis of every friendship, relationship, all of that, so if someone doesn't share their emotions it just hurts me to much and i hate it, and i hate [AFA] for not doing it, but i just keep holding out hope because it seems like they might try or will start trying every now and again but they just give up and it hurts and i hate it. like i've sat here and spent 17 minutes as of right now typing this entry and my arm fucking hurts because of spewing out my emotions but it helps, and i know i need to let this all go otherwise i'll never function, and i just wish [AFA] would fucking try. i wish they would. it just hurts and i truly care for them, but they make it SO FUCKING HARD and i wish they'd just let out their emotions, even if they need to scream and bawl their eyes out weekly just to let them out, i wish they'd let them out because i would happily listen, every time, every week, but they just never do. never, and it hurts so fucking much. i've had "The Other Side" by Ruelle playing and the chorus is "i don't, wanna know, who we are, without each other" because i don't want to lose [AFA], never, and i never want to hurt them, and i wish we could have a better friendship, but them not letting out their emotions and my continual misunderstanding of them because of not knowing their emotions makes it so fucking hard, that and the fact hey never just vent, or tell me what's going on in their life, it makes it so damn hard when all i want to do is fucking be close with [AFA] and never lose them. it's just so hard and i wish things were easier with us because FUCK! i don't want to fucking lose them, hell, i'm starting to bawl my fucking eyes out as i write this. i just don't want to fucking lose them, it's just so hard not to. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry.

8-22-2022 - August 22nd, 2022 - 21:46

#368 - Dangers As A Woman

Mxy:

well, one thing i've noticed is that the more we transition the more dangerous the world seems to get. just the other night Akasi had gone on a walk and someone drove past, then reversed and asked us if we were lost. the hurried nature and odd behaviour made per think that the man might've been trying to kidnap per, which i've been receiving memory bleed of, which is not fun. i suppose Akasi is right in being worried and always carrying a knife and desiring to learn martial arts, as it seems needing those things may be an eventuality.

8-22-2022 - August 22nd, 2022 - 14:08

#367 - I Knew It

Akasi:

well, i knew i was right to worry about things with [JFP] after she flew back to the UK. i've texted her all afternoon (i slept late) after she texted me good morning and i've gotten no replies and she knows i've been struggling, and oh look, i called it. every time something like this happens, some change in my friend's life or my partner's, and things go wrong, every time. i messaged her on discord and on steam which are the places she said to message, but oh look, no replies, all afternoon, nothing, and i needed her today, even just a tiny fuckin cheer up, a hug, something, like i'm not even asking much past wanting to fucking see her. every time someone i'm close with has a big change it always fucks with me and affects my stability, and every time i know it'll happen, i know it'll get hurt, but i have them ease my fears and try to have faith and give them a chance, but EVERY TIME things go wrong, every time, it's always something, whether it's a vacation, or a going somewhere, or a new school things or whatever the fuck else, it's always something and it always fucks with me. every time. it's like i just keep fucking letting myself be hurt, and for what? trying to have normal relationships and let issues like this play out in a way that's normal, or expected? normal gets me hurt, what people expect to happen gets me hurt, trying to fit in with society gets me fucking hurt. every damn time. i'm so sick of it. hell, maybe this is [JFP] breaking up with me, if it is i wish she'd tell me "this isn't working and i want to break up", regardless this whole thing goes back on her word, hell, she even promised to not abandon me, and here we are, an hour later but it's felt like an eternity because i'm struggling so damn much and i'm hurting and i needed her. i don't know why i put faith in people anymore. faith, funny, it's the same thing that people put into gods and such of religions, huh, maybe i should stop doing that, stop putting faith in people, stop believing in them. hell, people have disappointed me enough, hurt me enough, idk, then again, putting faith in people is my thing, even if it gets me hurt, idk. i'm gonna go think about this while i question if [JFP] gives a shit about me as well. i hope to see you in my next entry i suppose.

8-22-2022 - August 22nd, 2022 - 02:44

#366 - Ponderings About Host

Void:

so, i think the thing about Akasi is that per keeps looking for perself. see, Akasi keeps looking for an aesthetic, and object, a quirk or quality or piece of clothing that per is, or that reflects who per is, or that shows per who per truly is, and i think that per gets ever closer to per is with every person per mirrors but never quite gets it. i think Akasi learns who per is through mirroring people, finding the flaws and complex interworkings of them, and finding how they reflect perself, and per own interworkings, and i think that's one reason per can't stop mirroring, because Akasi is always looking for perself, but can never find it, and so per keeps searching, when in reality, per just needs to be perself, without discovering new traits, new ideas, new things to steal or copy off others, or pick up from them, i don't know, i suppose i won't know, but, i guess i thought i'd share this thought. anyways, i'm going to end this entry here.

8-22 - August 22nd, 2022 - 02:09

#365 - Cullings

Void:

well, i got rid of a lot of people because i am above caring or giving a shit, people can fuck off especially if they're making Akasi fucking suicidal of all the fucking things. turns out having too many draining friends in your life = your system's host gets suicidal. it's fucked and not ok so when it comes to shit like that, i'm donna do whatever the fuck i need to keep my host ok, even if that includes making lots of people hate me. i'm gonna end this entry here.

8-20-2022 - August 20th, 2022 - 16:58

#364 - Introjection

Sephir:

well, as you all may know, [VGL] has sadly left our life as of a long time ago. i miss her quite a lot if i'm honest, even if i wish to see her again. i suppose i may never. regardless, i'm going to be fronting again it seems. i hope to see you in our next entry.

8-19-2022 - August 19th, 2022 - 20:59

#363 - Screaming Lesbian

Akasi:

ok so my cousin, he has a wife, and so tonight, we had this party thing here and i made chicken for the family, and then afterwards, the wife comes up and thanks me for the food, and mind you, this girl is in a crop top and comfy sweatpants, and has a flannel jacket around her waist and she comes up here and after thanking me for the food, she reaches for the jacket and says as she does "so, i don't mean to pick your brain, and you can say no if you want" AS SHE REACHES FOR THE JACKET AND THE LESBIAN INSIDE ME IS SCREAMING because i'm like "GIRL WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS" like this girl is married with kids, and i'm just sitting here and fucking internally breaking down and this girl is talking to me about astral projection of all the fucking things in the world, and we talked about it for a half an hour. and i, THE FUCKING IDIO THAT I AM, SAY THAT ASTRAL PROJECTION IS LIKE A MUSCLE AND THAT BECAUSE YOU DON'T DO IT MANUALLY IT'S OPERATING ON THE SAME PRINCIPLE AS WET DREAMS. OF ALL THE FUCKING ANALOGIES, OF ALL THE ANALOGIES IN THE WORLD. i'm currently losing my shit and having a subby breakdown and that entire time i was tryna avoid eye contact bc i highkey thought i was gonna accidentally give her the subby "fuck me" eyes, AND DURING THIS WHOLE THING SHE HAS THIS GOOFY HAPPY GRIN LIKE SHE'S READING ME AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO MAKE OF ME. i offered to try astral projecting with her sometime too, and if she texts or calls me one day and offers to do it, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE THAT'S GONNA GO, like seriously, and also it doesn't help that since before she was really involved with my cousin i had a crush on her for a time there, and so i'm just losing it internally here this whole time while a former crush is fucking talking to me for a half an hour in this sort of situation. LIKE SERIOUSLY I AM CURRENTLY HAVING A BREAKDOWN BECAUSE THE LESBIAN INSIDE ME IS SCREAMING.

8-18-2022 - August 18th, 2022 - 21:19

#362 - Sister Dynamics

Kaleidoscope:

so, Akasi and i have been bonding in the Inner World, we've cuddled together as we slept (platonically, of course), and per's taught me about all sorts of animals, and i've shifted into them, and i've been loving it. it's also funny because Akasi's tried to draw some of them but per can't draw hehe, it's hilarious, and i've been loving per all the more. i know i've only been here a short time, but i love Akasi more than anything, and per and i have gotten really close as Alters. i love per.

8-17-2022 - August 17th, 2022 - 05;35

#361 - About Our Dog

Void:

well, since i'm the one in our system that cares about the dog more than anything else, hearing he swallowed chicken bones is a scary thing. i'm upset, and, i guess frustrated? maybe scared? i don't know, i'm still learning how emotions work, and i don't have it quite yet. regardless i just don't want to lose him. i'm gonna go drink some soda and watch a movie with him, i know he won't enjoy the movie, but spending time with someone who he loves who also cares about him will be something he understands. i'm gonna pray that this turns out to be nothing.

8-14-2022 - August 14th, 2022 - 23:52

#359 - Pulling Stunts

Winchester:

well, Void just pulled a fucking stunt of getting a pocket knife out and then seeming to get ready to kill our mother and making me pull him out of front and he said it's to test me, to ensure that i can pull him out of front in case he snaps which while i appreciate it, it's NOT FUCKING OK, and i swear to God this man is going to be a problem one day. it's like he just likes testing things, seeing how far he can go, pushing limits, pushing lines, and it's so fucking obnoxious. i swear to God and i swear to chaos and i swear to whatever fucking beings exist that this man is going to cause us so much grief. i hope to see you in our next entry whoever reads this.

8-14-2022 - August 14th, 2022 - 23:41

#358 - Replacements

Akasi:

well, one of our newer Alters, who we'll call Kaleidoscope has been really nice, and her and i are gonna have a super close sibling relationship, sort of like a replacement for the bond i had with [SFZ] because as stupid as it sounds, i did have a bond with her, even if she wasn't real. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here i suppose.

8-14-2022 - August 14th, 2022 - 05:03

#357 - Horror Movies

Akasi:

so Void bought a horror movie called Excision, and i umm, well, i watched it instead of him because i got front, and so it's umm, it's pretty scary that the main character, i umm-     past the taking action on what went through her mind, i-       i'm no different. like i have very similar fucked up thoughts, and i imagine the same things, all of it, and it's just-      it's scary to see myself in a horror movie character, it's kinda terrifying. it just umm-    yeah, it's a lot. i'm gonna end this entry here, if you watch the movie, then you'll understand more (i recommend it), but yeah, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever's reading this

8-12-2022 - August 12th, 2022 - 19:18

#356 - The Therapist Shows

Glow:

hello : ) i'm the system therapist, or [50.49;49.52;50.52;49.51;54], and i have chosen my system nickname to be Glow : ) i finally decided to make an entry as i now have been getting front here and there when Akasi doesn't want to front, though i admit Mxy has been, well, fae has been in faer own little world as of late, the blizzard at faer's house is amazingly powerful. past that not much has been happening, i've just been enjoying the Inner World, giving therapy sessions and stuff to our system : ) anyways, i hope to see you again soon whoever reads this site of ours

8-12-2022 - August 12th, 2022 - 13:10

#355 - Headphones Mean Fuck Off

Akasi:

you know what's annoying? i bought headphones to be LEFT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ALONE because i don't want to deal with the world and i get bugged more with the on than i fucking did before because my parents won't JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, LIKE SERIOUSLY, IF I HAVE THEM ON AND I DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT YOU, PLEASE, KINDLY, FUCK OFF.

8-12-2022 - August 12th, 2022 - 05:03

#354 - Self Harm, Why?

Void:

well, i'm the new cunt. i tried cutting once or twice out of curiosity and it somehow made me cry, made me feel, i think an emotion, i think Sadness? like it's weird, i never thought i could ever feel emotions, but here i am, and it happened. idk, it's interesting.

8-10-2022 - August 10th, 2022 - 17:46

#353 - Apologies In Society

Akasi:

so fair warning: this is one hell of a rabbit hole of an entry. that being said, i've gotten [AFA] to apologise more meaningfully and stuff, and so, i've rethinked apologies, how they work. logically, "i'm sorry" is essentially saying "i was wrong in doing this thing, this action, and i am sorry for that and regret it and feel guilty about it" but then again, it's admitting guilt, which while guilt can and is a good thing, it's an emotion, and all emotions are essential, guilt is far too often abused, or taken advantage of, hell, there's even legal definitions of it and such, and it's honestly become trivial in some contexts, so in it's barest definition, guilt is "Feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary. Can be part of the grief reaction." so it's the feeling of responsibility and knowledge that what you did was wrong and understanding that, but then definitions of right and wrong are subjective, so the definition and meaning of guilt is rooted in subjectiveness, so then guilt, apologies, all of it needs to go to the core: was what the person did right or wrong? and even then, "perception is reality" is an old quote that i like, and so i may percieve what someone did was wrong, and they may not, so then if i ask someone to apologise, they may not do so because they do not feel what they did was wrong, therefore they feel that they do not need to feel regret, but then they may have feel guilt due to responsibility, and hurting me would be wrong, so then there is other ways that people can feel the justifications for an apology, but if you're going to apologise or receive an apology, there's no point in doing so if you don't first solidify the roots of said apology, remove the subjectiveness from it, so you need to understand firstly, was what you did wrong? are the consequences of what you did wrong? and unless you say yes to your actions or the domino effect following said actions being wrong, then you can't feel regret unless what you did or the domino effect afterwards was wrong in some way, shape, or form, and so then, you need to feel regret, and responsibility over what you did or the domino effect afterwards, and so without knowing those you can't feel guilt, and even then, feeling guilt doesn't always equate to apologising, sometimes an apology is unneeded, or not right, or improper in some fashion for the given situation. so instead of apologising or just asking for an apology for something, i'm going to ask the person "why did you do this action" which tells me what was going through their mind, why they did it because this gives hints as to their conceptions of responsibility over it and their ideas of whether they were acting on purpose or out of emotion, and then i'm going to ask "do you think it was deserved?" this tells me their perceptions of whether they think it was right or wrong and also will hint at why they think so, and so then i'm going to ask "will you apologise for it?" and then they will apologise for it if they think they should or it was deserved, because then this not only tells me more about the person, but also how they percieve their actions. i may add more questions later, or ask "were your actions taken out of logic or emotion, or both?". we'll see how this holds up i guess. to be honest, at the end of the day, apologies are a mutual emotional release, for the apologisee it's to feel that their emotions are justified, and right, and to feel closure upon the issue, and for the apologiser, it's to release feelings of guilt, but then sometimes the emotional releases don't match up, and so we need to vent the emotions in another way, and that's where problems may occur, is in a mis match of those emotional releases. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

8-10-2022 - August 10th, 2022 - 15:01

#352 - Apologies

Akasi:

well after bawling my fucking eyes out last night, [AFA] messaged today, and they apologised to me for "being a bit harsh" and then said "I am sorry for hurting you and being pissy/aggressive with you." which i told them "that's too short and doesn't begin to cover how harsh you were. i give up." because i really am just done. they attacked and yelled at me, swearing and yelling, completely just insulting me and blaming me at every turn last night for literally half an hour, just verbally attacking me, and then saying at the end that if the roles were reversed i'd treat them more harshly, trying to justify it almost, and with what i was saying, i'd say like "ok can you stop using that voice? it's annoying and this is why" and if they said they were tired i'd ignore it but ask for a simply apology in the morning, but i wouldn't blow up like this, i'd just walk away or something, ignore, something, like i'm not as bad as they said i would be, so yeah, it's just such a short apology for all of that, like i get i made a mistake, and i owe them an apology, but they didn't need to attack me for a half an hour, and also, during that, i was apologising the whole time while i'm struggling to figure out what i did wrong, and they just kept going, and so after all that getting a short apology, when i gave them multiple, and one pretty long one this morning ("i'm sorry for infantilising you, using the wrong tones, making numerous mistakes, and doing everything wrong yesterday out of being tired and making mistakes, i was wrong despite trying my best and am therefore deeply sorry for hurting you unintentionally."), and it's just-     it just hurts, and i'm just done with [AFA] until they apologise more meaningfully.

8-10-2022 - August 10th, 2022 - 01:01

#351 - I Don't Understand

Akasi:

ok, so tonight [AFA] accused me of infantilising them and stuff and it's like today they just keep attacking me and tonight and i don't know what the fuck i did, like they were doing stuff to interfere with how i was going to dock our ship in sea of thieves, and i told them to stop multiple times and they would not listen, and i finally yelled at them, and they just got upset and stuff and then i thought we were ok, and then on the rowboat i said "do you want me to do that instead?" in, idk, i guess a, idk, maybe a pitying tone? but it wasn't intentional, it was me trying to be like "hey, want me to do that for you? i know you're tired" and stuff and then we talked in DMs and they just kept attacking me and i just don't know what i did, and like, i really fucking care about them, not only because they're my best friend but because i genuinely want to be close with them and stuff and it's like-    i just don't know what i did so wrong tonight, like i genuinely wanted to just help and be nice, and care for them but it's like they just got so upset and then they said to not gaslight them when i said i didn't understand and stuff and then i switched to a more definitive "you're right and i am sorry" tone because i thought it might help (this was in DMs), and like, i want to say they were splitting, but then i don't know if they'll say i'm gaslighting, and this is already after [JFP] has seemingly gotten upset with me and i just don't know what the fuck is so fucking wrong with me, like i couldn't help [JFP] all day and thought i made her worse, and now [AFA] is attacking me, and i'm just crying because i don't know what is so wrong with me, and it's like, i don't think i'm being manipulative, i genuinely don't, but then again, i've been sleep deprived the last couple nights so maybe that's making me go back to old habits? i just don't know, like i genuinely don't know and am just freaking out because i don't know what is so wrong and i'm just crying because of it because it feels like my life is falling apart because my best friend and girlfriend are both either upset or coming off that way towards me and i just don't know what else to do like what is so fucking wrong with me?

8-9-2022 - August 9th, 2022 - 11:59

#350 - Therapy

Akasi:

well, therapy went great and i'm feeling much better, so no need to worry : ) i hope to see you in my next entry

8-9-2022 - August 9th, 2022 - 10:28

#349 - What The Fuck

Akasi:

well [AFA] and i talked and they started yelling at me saying that everything with [JFP] was made worse by me, that i made it worse, when she not only messaged me saying how she felt and seeming to be wanting help, and [AFA] also implied that the fight [JFP] had with her girlfriend is my fault or that i made it worse or caused it, when in fact it was after that fight that [JFP] messaged me, not before, and so now [AFA] has yet again been involved in a situation that is making me suicidal, and this time? this time it's actually partly their fault because they keep hurting me with saying that it's my fault, and that i'm bad for [JFP]. maybe i should just fucking block everyone and abandon my life again. i'm in enough pain to do it, and i already kinda want to die, so you know, fuck me. honestly i just feel like [JFP] is made worse by me and hates me, [AFA] hates me and wants me dead anyways, and, well, who the fuck else in my life cares for me? nobody. they're the only two people i have been close with, so them hating me kinda means i'm at square one with friends, add in all my other feelings and pain and well, there's no fucking point. i just fucking wish i could help because it feels like my entire life is just falling apart and there's nothing i can do.

8-8-2022 - August 8th, 2022 - 22:40

#348 - Emotional Release

Akasi:

well, [JFP] is having an episode right now. i got her to take it out on me, told her the only way i'd hate her is if she blocked me, which was entirely a bluff because i'm pretty sure she'll just unblock me in the morning, and i'm willing to bet i'm right on this, but idk, i guess we'll see. i really just hope i helped her.

8-7-2022 - August 7th, 2022 - 20:45

#347 - Great Days & Philosophy

Akasi:

so today, me, [AFA], [JFP], and [JFP]'s girlfriend [STC] all 4 played Sea Of Thieves for 4 hours, and it was so amazing, and over the last couple days i've been struggling, honestly for a while now, and today was just so fantastic, and it turned my mood around, and so afterwards, i messaged all 3 of them to thank them for today because, see, i know how bad i can get, i know how manipulative and toxic i can be, and i know how bad my bad days get, and i know how shit i can act, and so good steps i appreciate in full, and good days i fucking love, and my bad steps i learn from, but that's the thing, without appreciating the people who i take those good steps with, i can't fully appreciate how good those steps were, so i thanked them, because today was just-     so fantastic. it really was, and i just was so happy, and it made [JFP] so happy too, and it made [AFA] and [STC] so happy, and it just made all of us happy and i fucking love it so much. today was just fantastic, to the point that i am crying right now because i'm so fucking happy about today. honestly it was great. i think i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one, dear reader.

8-6-2022 - August 6th, 2022 - 21:39

#346 - Standing As Inverse

Akasi:

so, normally i'm the unstable one, the one with BPD who can't hold per own shit together, but sometimes when things happen i can dust off my ability to mirror people who always keep their cool, stay calm, and be here, and it's only tiring after around day 3 because i can use my genuine caring as fuel, and so, tonight, [JFP] and one of her girlfriends have broken up, and [JFP]'s really hurt, and so i'm playing therapist for her, and [AFA], and everyone else who's upset, and in general standing as an inverse of myself, just putting on an act to help those i care for, and then afterwards, i'll take a couple days to just cuddle with [JFP] and take it easy, and i'm back to normal. i always love this skill, and as much as mirroring may be hard, doing it here helps a lot and is good.

8-5-2022 - August 5th, 2022 - 17:09

#345 - A Random Vent

Akasi:

i hate my father's stupid fucking carbon copy bullshit rinse and fucking repeat conversation that just reminds me HOW MUCH OF A PIECE OF SHIT HE IS AND HOW HE KEEPS FUCKING TEARING ME DOWN AND TELLING ME I DON'T DO SHIT AND HE ACTS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TEACHING ME HONOUR AND INTEGRITY WHEN IT'S JUST A SAD PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR HIM TO BEAT ME UP EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY AND HE KEEPS FUCKING DOING IT OVER AND OVER BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A WASTE OF SKIN AND LIFE AND IS A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN AND IS THE FUCKING REASON I FUCKING HATE HIM BECAUSE OF HOW HE CONSTANTLY FUCKING RIPS ME APART AND MAKES ME FUCKING HATE MYSELF AND DOES IT ALL UNDER THE STUPID FUCKING PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT GUISE OF BEING A GOOD PARENT AND TRYING TO TEACH ME. that's copy and pasted from a conversation with a friend.

8-5-2022 - August 5th, 2022 - 16:34

#344 - I Broke

Akasi:

12 kilometers down the drain after 2 months. i finally gave in and cut today. my father said stuff that just got me so fucking upset and caught up and hurting and i already bugged people enough over the past few days to help me not kms, so i figured that wasn't going to be available, specially as those people are busy, so yeah. i'm gonna end this entry here.

8-5-2022 - August 5th, 2022 - 00:21

#343 - I Get So Fucking Angry

Akasi:

as the title suggests i am pissed. see, earlier today, my grandma and i went to a dealership to get her emissions done and all of that shit and i was Heelying around in the place, and my shoes happened to squeak by one of the tables where this guy was making a sale and he said in this pissy, confrontational, scold a kid voice "DUDE! can you quit it! this is a dealership, not a skate park" and WOW I WANTED TO FUCKING PUNCH THIS CUNT'S LIGHTS OUT, I WAS SO PISSED, and so i walked out and as i did i said "you don't gotta be such a prick about it" and then flipped him off, and sat on the lightpost base, and wow i wanted to fucking hurt this man, mostly because he seemed like he was gonna start shit, and i wanted to fucking end his pride and fucking knock this guy's lights out. and now i am just so pissed and i am trying to calm down but i'm still too pissed to sleep because of this cunt, and i don't think i'll sleep tonight at all because i am splitting so fucking hard right now. maybe i should do an impromptu Satanic Ritual of some sort to let this hatred and anger out, because i need a vent for this emotion because right now i am thinking out and planning out the perfect way to go there and shatter windows on those fucking cars just because of this cunt, and i know that's stupid, not today, no no no, i'd wait, i'd wait a long time, and when the time is right, i'd go for it, i'll wait a fucking year if i have to because that is how fucking pissed i am. like i am so fucking pissed that it is unreal. i think i'm going to try attacking a dealership in GTA 5 as a way to vent this emotion instead of committing a crime a few months from now or something but holy fucking hell i am so fucking pissed. it's also a lot because after a lifetime of walking out, leaving situations because of BPD, i am so fucking ready for a fight, like i fucking HOPE someone tries me one day because Winchester already had to hold me back from killing someone (i'm not joking, i wanted to kill [RTP] and i still do, i can admit to that, unless he's changed a lot to be a lot better i want to fucking end him) and so if someone ever tries to fuck with me one day i'm going to fucking LOSE IT on that cunt, and they are gonna end up in the fucking hospital, like i have so much rage and hate and spite and malice built up, stored inside, and i never let it out even when i split in real life because i know it'll end really badly, and i won't stop myself, so i manage to barely hold my shit back and just get the fuck out of the situation even if i want to fucking kill someone right then and there, like i get so fucking pissed off. it takes so much for me to hold back and for what? just to fit in with society? not get arrested? so what if i want to punch someone for their bullshit, you wanna act like a cunt, you get fucking hit, you don't get to act like a cunt just because you think you have authority or power, besides, 9 times out of ten, people with power or authority tend to fucking abuse it, which is bullshit. it just fucking pisses me off that people are such cunts when literally all the fuck i want to do i have fucking fun, like seriously? it's such bullshit. i hate it. i hate society. and i hate that cunt.

8-3-2022 - August 3rd, 2022 - 20:47

#342 - Doubting My Own Morals & Life With BPD

Akasi:

so i know that logically, i shouldn't doubt my own morals because i know mine are right to me and for me, but then sometimes i hear about "oh this is right" and "oh this is socially acceptable" and sometimes all i want is to just find people who want me, which i guess is the core of this issue, like i keep thinking "oh maybe i'll follow this religion" or "oh maybe i align with this line of thought and opinions" and it's just because those types of people are not good, but like, they like and want each other. like you never see christians having a problem with feeling wanted, you never see racists having that problem, and i know those are problematic, and the second one is a bad view and i know they're not stuff i align with, like i truly don't align with them, but i just keep thinking "maybe if i change myself i'll feel wanted" like i just-   i know it sounds so stupid to say this, and i know this whole concept probably seems super foreign and stupid to some people out there, but i just have never felt truly and genuinely wanted, like i love myself, i like who i am, but i just want someone else, someone external to want me, and i know of course [JFP] loves me, and i know [AFA] and i are close and they care about me, but neither of them has said to me "i want you in my life" or "you mean a lot to me and i don't want to lose you" not even the first half, just "i don't want to lose you" like that's the thing i miss about when i was toxic, when i was manipulative, i made people want me, i made people feel like i brought them happiness and good advice and joy and all that, and i liked not only that, the feeling wanted, but i truly loved helping them, and i realised that i didn't need people to be codependent or dependent with me to help, and i realised i could feel a whole lot more wanted by just being better, but fuck if i don't miss the feeling of saying i want to remove someone, or saying i'm removing someone for some trivial reason, and them adding me back and begging for me back, and i know it sounds like such a shitty and toxic thing to say but i do miss it, i truly enjoyed seeing people beg to have me in their lives the few times that it happened. i just feel so unwanted, so unloved sometimes that i think about changing back to the horrible person i was, just to feel wanted again, even though i know it'll only do the opposite. i guess the core of the issue is now the only people who want me are [JFP], maybe [AFA], and Scrapbook System, who's literally my imaginary friend so just an extension of myself which means nothing that they want me, and so it's literally just one, maybe two people who actually want me, and i know my parents don't want me, not with how they're abusive, and if they do want me it's to use me as an emotional punching bag and their own personal therapist and guilt trip me on my boundaries, and then when i try closing off, they try saying "oh i never see you" or whatever crap they wanna try to play at caring about me in some manner even though it's all an act because they just don't want to lose their favorite victim, which even then, it's just a whole mess. honestly i just want someone to tell me all the positive things i share and show, like i give so much and it makes me genuinely happy, but sometimes i just wish someone would realise that all the stuff i show, all the kindness, it's out of knowing what feeling deprived of it feels like, and i just want to be shown the same love, and caring, and compassion, and sympathy, and empathy that i show others, i just want it in return. i guess at the end of the day i wish i could find someone with BPD who's recovering from their pain and looking for a mentor, who would mirror me, and we could show each other so much love and kindness and compassion, and caring because of just copying off each other, and become closer and have a lasting friendship, which i guess is what i want with [AFA] because they seem to have BPD, or at least some symptoms, so i just-     i want to be close with them, but sometimes it's so hard, like i want a real life friend that i never get sick of, i never lose, someone that i can spend time with all the time, who has a similar life to me, who i can start a company or something with, maybe a halfway house sort of thing, idk, something. i just want someone to be here long term, to truly care about me and be best friends, not even with benefits, just someone that i can be best friends. i thought that would be [PMF] before he abandoned me, or [FBF] before she hated me and i hurt her, but then it's just never worked out, and it's just sucked so much, every time, and i fucking hate it. like all i want is one fucking best friend, i want a bond like i thought i had with [SFZ], not trauma bonded, but almost that close, someone that i have no boundaries except absolutely necessary ones with, or even none but being close enough to know how to respect each other even without those, like i just want someone to love and care for me like a sister, or something, and just care for me, and be close, and be here for me, but that's not happening, ever. like i hear stories of siblings who were trauma bonded, or are trauma bonded, and all i can think is "i want that strong of a bond" not from trauma, but something that strong and close, like that's all i want, is someone to be close with who i will never lose. i don't even know what i want in life anymore, i just want something permanent, just one thing, one person, one connection, something that is permanent, that i can truly connect with, preferably a person, i guess that is what i want, just someone permanent who shows me every day that they are permanent, that our connection is permanent. i guess i'm just craving stability, something i've never had before, and all i want is more of it, because i can tell that stability is helping me deal with my BPD, it's still there, and i still find ways to vent it of course, but stability is helping me with the self destructive aspects of it, but it still just-     i don't know...      i guess this is what i was always afraid of, finding out i like stability and that it feels nice and that i'd want more and more of it, and that i would lose my ability to cope with instability well. honestly i just fucking want a close connection with someone as friends, something that feels clear, defined, and distinct, and something that fits well in my mind, and something that works in my mind, and makes sense, and fits neatly within labels, and makes my Autism and desire for basic labels happy and just fucking works, like that's all i want, one connection like that, one close one, one like i thought i had with [SFZ] in the delusion. i guess at the end of the day i just want a fucking sibling, i just want someone to call sister and to call me sister, and to be close, like that's all i want. i just want a sense of belonging, even if it's just with one fucking person, i just want someone to make me feel wanted, make me feel like i belong, make me feel cared for, that's all the fuck i want. and as sad a truth as it is, i know i will never truly belong, or feel that belonging in my life, not now, not ever, because i just don't belong, i don't, and i am just never going to feel fucking cared for, and that fact is one that will kill me the rest of my life unless someone reads this entry and decides to change that, and i know i don't have control over that, and it just hurts. even in my system, none of them say they want me, and even then, it wouldn't be what i want, or help me any. i just feel so hopelessly alone and without anyone, even when i have a couple people who care, and it just fucking hurts. i guess that's BPD. i'm gonna end this entry here because i'm honestly just empty right now. i hope to see you in my next entry.

8-2-2022 - August 2nd, 2022 - 09:13

#341 - Dreams, Edition 4

Akasi:

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in this dream my parents and i were going on a vacation and we went on some sort of travel method to bring our camper with us, and when we got there we were traveling through europe, and we got to some small nation, i forget which, and so i took my passport and went on a day trip across the border into another nation because there was a big damaged apartment complex tower that was being renovated and i wanted to volunteer there, but not only that, because i had known that [AFA] was there. i went there and i started asking around of where i can volunteer and do easy stuff like painting, and the lady there in the welcome area showed me and gave me floor numbers, and so i started going around and stuff, and while i did i discreetly asked them where they were and stuff and went to find them and surprised them and as i was talking to one of the volunteers about what to do and they came up the stairs and saw me and went "Akasi?" and i said "[AFA]!" and we hugged super tight and then we went to the cafeteria because they had already bought an apartment there prior to the construction being finished so they had early access and stuff as part of the housing project or whatever, and i met one of [AFA]'s friends who they said had the same name as their partner, but didn't and we started eating and talking and like, i could tell things were a bit awkward because i appeared in another country in front of them seemingly with no apparent reason, but as we ate and talked the dream ended

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this dream was by far the weirdest, and honestly leaves me with a lot of questions. either way i slept in a bit this morning, it was nice. anyways, i'm gonna leave this entry here, i'm just happy it wasn't a nightmare.

8-1-2022 - August 1st, 2022 - 14:45

#340 - Emotional Bleed

Mxy:

well, Akasi just had some sort of emotional flashback, where you just reexperience the feelings you felt during a traumatic event, and we pulled per out of front, and because of emotional bleed, even i'm feeling the urge to cut. i'm not going to nor do i exactly want to, but i can feel the urge from Akasi through the emotional bleed and now knowing what that feels like, it's insanely difficult. i never felt this before and it's terrifying to know Akasi feels this all the time. it's horrible. anyways, i'm gonna end here.

8-1-2022 - August 1st, 2022 - 09:18

#339 - There's Just Something About Her

Akasi:

so lately i've been feeling insanely close to [JFP] because of just how shockingly much i trust her. i think for a long time i used the people i cared for in the delusion as an excuse to feel less attached to the people in real life that i love and care for but now that i broke out, and i care for her so much it's just so nice, and honestly a little terrifying, but the way she's been with me is just-       it continually amazes me. i just-     i honestly just keep getting shown new depths of my emotions with her, and because of how i have this feeling like my nervous system is hardwired into my emotions, very emotion has a physical reaction, and with her, i just-   i keep feeling new reactions, new combinations of reactions, and it's just-      it's so nice, and i feel like every day with her i feel a little stronger, heal a little more, and get just a little happier, and i love that, and her, so, so much. it's like my idea of love and what it can be just keeps getting deeper and more beautiful, and it's-     it's just shocking, if i'm honest, but i love every second of it, every second of our time together. i think i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-31-2022 - July 31st, 2022 - 16:09

#338 - Acknowledgement

Akasi:

so for the longest time i've been denying my parents being abusive and bad because when they're good they're really good, but then when they're bad they're pretty fucking bad. i've also been avoiding it because when i say anything against them or their perfect image or that they're bad, they deny it, and they say "oh you left out details" or whatever. and i would get out, i want to get out, i want to get out on my own, but honestly i don't know how to live life outside of the home, and i just-     i don't know. i don't have anywhere to go, anyone to go to, i don't have the money, i don't have the resources, the know how, a job, anything to live essentially, and if i did move, i'd want to get out of the country, and go to like the UK, or somewhere in europe, but that's a whole complicated thing, and if i did i'd need to make damn sure i can't get sent back because the US is just going to shit, and again, that all costs shit tons of money, and i don't know how to get that, and i don't know how i would be able to live, or to really do anything involving having a life. if i'm honest, for a couple years i figured i'd kill myself long before i got to transition, or even after because it wouldn't help enough for my mental health, so i figured having a future doesn't matter, and that i wouldn't live past 5 years anyways. i never thought i'd live past twenty years old, and now, just-      it looks like i will, and i don't know where to go, who to go to, there's just no way out. i don't know what i can do, if anything. it just sucks because i have no idea what to do, and i keep getting hurt, i keep getting traumatised, and i just-      i just don't know.

7-31-2022 - July 31st, 2022 - 05:43

#337 - Wit's End

Void:

so Akasi finally decided that per is going to be leaning into the system more, let me front when things get bad or go bad. i'm gonna have to learn how to handle these fuckheads we call parents, and get this shit to stop being abusive when they fuck around, and it's a lot of little shit, like dumping stuff on us that's stupid that they blame us for and shit or feels like they blame us for according to Akasi. hopefully i can get this stuff to stop or at least take this shit so Akasi doesn't have to deal with it

7-30-2022 - July 30th, 2022 - 17:38

#336 - Respect & Connections

Akasi:

well, [TGA] decided to go MIA for 3 days and then text back with "i have a new boyfriend" and that whole thing, and in general just fucking make me feel like a creep, like [TGA], i'm not a fucking creepy ass guy, i'm just a girl who cares when you go MIA for 3 days because i care about people and want to have an emotional connection. it's so fucking annoying that she did this shit because, well, i was excited, but nope, here the fuck we are. and as i type this it seems she sent something that will either be the opener for her gaslighting me or realising she seriously sent the wrong messages/signals in terms of talking, so let's see how this goes. i'll add another entry in a bit most likely. i'm personally gonna place my bets on it going pretty good, though i'm ready to be betting wrong.

7-30-2022 - July 30th, 2022 - 13:10

#335 - Emotions

Akasi:

well, i read Mxy's last entry and i gotta say, fuck that hit me in the feels, like idk, it's kind of amazing just how much i feel from the other Alters, like that's the thing, people don't realise that some Alters, in fact most, have an emotional connection to one another within their system, like most systems have strong and caring dynamics, like for us it's to the point that honestly? i care about the other Alters more than almost all the people i have in my life, with the exception of maybe [JFP] and [AFA], and even then, idk, i'm unsure, but it's like, i just care about the others in my system so fucking much, like Mxy and Winchester, i care about both of them, so fucking much, and it's like-      idk, i just have a super strong emotional connection to them, enough that it's almost scary how much i care, like it's just-      it's so much. anyways, yeah. i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-29-2022 - July 29th, 2022 - 16:09

#334 - Choices Of Host

Mxy:

something i just thought about is why Akasi is primary Alter, or Host, like per has so much trauma, per age slides, per sucks per thumb when per sleeps, and Akasi's just generally pretty childish, like i know it's cute for per and it's how per copes, per never really grew up on that front, but per's still really loving, and nice, and kind, and caring, and all these other good qualities, but i just feel like per's an odd choice for host. it's also weird because like i feel associated with our life the way per does when i'm the one fronting when we go to sleep, idk. i guess if i'm honest i find it a tad charming that per can be a bit childish in these regards, childlike, or, well, what even is childike? immature? habits of children? it's soothing and comforting for per to say, sleep with a baby blanket and suck per thumb (even i can admit they feel soothing), but then some people say it's childish, and some find it cute, and i guess it all comes down to the opinion of the person, which for per, per sees it as soothing, as calming, least that's what i understand. understanding....     it's funny how much and yet how little i understand. sometimes i can get so headstrong and directed that i need to walk back and admit i was wrong, and i have strong boundaries and such, but some of them become unreasonable in the ways i enforce them or talk about them, which happened today with [JFP]. i suppose i'm just pondering a lot. i just got reminded of a memory that i held onto from when we were a kid, it's when one time we had to get vaccinations and we had to get 4 as a kid, we were terrified of needles. there was a snowy painting that i saw and i focused on when i was there, and i protected Akasi from it. i suppose i'm a bit of a protector, but i don't seem that way, like i'm the one who's cold and hard and freezes, the opposite to Akasi. perhaps that's why Akasi and i are so close, because per's the opposite of me and vice versa. i don't know. i guess i'll be thinking. i hope to see you in our next entry.

7-29-2022 - July 29th, 2022 - 15:04

#333 - Fucking Missing Appointments

Akasi:

so i missed my fucking therapy appointment today and i just kicked the fucking wall because that's twice now and i fucking needed therapy and i needed the support and it's like i keep just shutting down and not going or forgetting or something and i have no fucking clue why the fuck i keep fucking missing my fucking appointments because i need the fucking help, but i just-    i just keep fucking hurting every fucking time, and now i'm getting a headache because i'm so fucking pissed off. i just have no fucking clue why and it just hurts.

7-29-2022 - July 29th, 2022 - 09:32

#332 - My Fault I Get Hurt Again

Akasi:

ok so because i misunderstood what [JFP] meant by asshole, apparently it means she becomes an empathy-less and abrasive person to be around, and apparently, and so now because i had higher expectations of her, i get hurt yet the fuck again. fucking hypersensitivity......        i keep fucking idolising people and holding them up to a higher standard, and being nice, and also lowering that standard sometimes when needed, and despite that and being warned, she's just being such a problem and so now i'm hurt again and yet the fuck again, it's my fault, and she won't apologise, so yeah.

7-29-2022 - July 29th, 2022 - 06:18

#331 - Replaying

Akasi:

so i re read, and apparently [JFP] also said she was deleting the thing for her mental health, which i get and understand, and i totally agree with, but like, i do agree with what Mxy said to her about giving me like a 5 minute heads up in DMs, something to let me know things are all good. and then with how she treated Mxy and what she said to fae, it just-    even re reading it hurts, and is still just-      idk, it's just hurtful, and even Mxy said it was hurtful, and i just-     i just don't know what to do, like i'm just so lost because of this.

7-29-2022 - July 29th, 2022 - 02:21

#330 - Getting Hurt

Akasi:

so, [JFP] decided to hurt Mxy yesterday, and then proceed to shut me out and stuff later in the evening, and so now, it's like she's trying to get a reaction out of me, or maybe make me split? or is she trying to make me mirror her so she can see how bad she's being? or is she just treating me like some volatile thing and she wants to play with fire and see if she can make me blow up or scream at her, or if i'm just going to take getting hurt and leave it there. it's like she's chosen me to be her victim and for no apparent reason, and it's just making me question so much, namely what the fuck is going on, like she said she's off her meds, but this? these actions are going beyond what i would expect them to be, now if it's just that i'm somehow the problem, then i wish she'd tell me, and if she does need someone to be an emotional punching bag, i used to be ok with that but at this point no, i'm not going to be just the punching bag, or just the victim, not anymore. i have enough self worth to say that i'm not going to tolerate that, and it's been a long time coming, but i can actually say that, and right now i have no idea what's going on. and before any of you say "oh you have BPD, you're playing the victim in an attempt to manipulate" no, i'm not, i thought i was too, i thought "oh, this is just a brand new victim complex because it's my first serious polyamorous relationship" or just that it's because she has reason, or she's taking space from others and not me and so it's like i'm poking the bear, but nope, she's been calling, playing games, watching movies, and talking and calling with her other partners, and i talked to two of them asking for advice, and one said she's not been like this at all to them, and the other seemed to think it was way more mild, so it's literally just me that's being treated like this, and again, for what? if it was an emotional reaction sure, i could understand that, but unless Winchester did or said something i am unaware of, last i knew she was fine and not upset with me or anything, and so i just have no clue what's wrong, what i did, and why she's treating me like this, like i know that normally she's fantastic, literally the best girlfriend i've ever had, or at least in a long time, but this? it's just so out of the ordinary, so wrong that i don't even know, it's like she's not even herself when she acts like this, and i don't know what to do or say, and i don't know if somehow she has DID or something and i didn't pick up on it, or maybe she has some sort of defense mechanism or trauma response i triggered by accident, or maybe she's doing all this on purpose because she wants to break up with me, which reminds me of this ex she had. turns out her ex wife had BPD and split at her and stuff and called it off and it was a whole freak out, or at least that's the story given, but this? with her acting like this towards me? i'm not entirely sure [JFP] did nothing wrong with said ex because these behaviours...     i don't know. it's just upsetting because she's hurting me and shutting me out with no answers. now maybe relating to the ex thing, maybe she's acting like this because somehow i made her think i'm acting like her ex, and so she's feeling like she needs to defend herself? like i said, i might have triggered a defense mechanism or some sort of trauma response thing by accident, and it's just-      idk. maybe it's because she sees how nice i've been with her despite all of this and doesn't want me to do that because she knows she's causing me pain, and has been trying to get me to stop tolerating hate and stuff and stand up for myself more, so she's guilty for me tolerating the pain she's causing me? even then, that's so outlandish to think about but i've had things like that be the case before, and so it's just-     i'm just grasping at straws hoping i'll find the answer because i want there to be an explanation as to why she's hurting me. maybe she doesn't see how much she's hurting me? or maybe she's just thinking she's not hurting me? or-   i don't know, i just have no clue. even if it's a case of her not knowing she's hurting me, then still, why is she acting like this? like why have i been elected to be the victim here? it just doesn't make sense. i'm gonna play video games and try and ignore her until she gets her meds but until then? i have no idea.

7-28-2022 - July 28th, 2022 - 16:30

#329 - Medicine And Lack Thereof

Mxy:

well, things have been horrible in the past hours since the server was deleted. Akasi has gone into trauma response because things are playing out so similarly to how they did with [TAL], and so now I'm the one fronting. I've also had to deal with [JFP] and without her meds? she becomes pretty mean and uncaring, just looking for a fight almost. I'm saying to take some space from us after she was giving us a non-apology and pointing out that it's not a real apology, and she's pointing out I messaged first, seeming to imply "if you didn't want this, why did you message?". it's astounding how much someone so kind can become so blunt and almost manipulative without one little thing each day. it also explains to me why Akasi hates medication so much and refuses to be put on it because per would rather be responsible for our actions at all times, and have the control to handle our actions and problematic behaviours at all times, so if we make a mistake it is 100% on per and not the fault of lacking medication. I suppose per doesn't want the excuse and I have to say, now seeing firsthand how much someone can change like this? it explains a lot. honestly I don't know what to do. I know logically it's not [JFP]'s fault, but i can't deny the hurt that she has caused in my system, and I'm stuck between things. if it gets bad enough I'll start a system vote on what to do, otherwise I'll wait until Akasi can make any decisions.

7-27-2022 - July 27th, 2022 - 22:16

#328 - Emotions & Punishment

Akasi:

well, i found out the reason for [JFP] deleting the polycule server is because she feels emotions of others because of empathy and can't handle the amount of them in server, and with me being this upset and needing her right now, well, look what's going to be the second most emotionally draining and empathy causing thing in her life. me. so it's going to be server, and then probably me, so yeah, i'm pretty fucking sure my whole life is falling apart. as for the second part of my title, it's being punished for the argument i caused that made Winchester front and [JFP] decide to delete server, and also for showing my emotions now afterwards. i just keep getting told to open up, show my emotions, and then it always gets me hurt......     and i know [JFP] hasn't said anything about breaking up yet, but let's be real, logically i'm the biggest emotional drain for her and the cause of this, so chances of her breaking up are exceedingly high, far higher than i would ever be comfortable with......           i'm gonna try jumping into a video game to try and see if i can get myself stable before i have to rebuild my life from nearly scratch....     again.....

7-27-2022 - July 27th, 2022 - 21:31

#327 - Falling Apart

Akasi:

first [TAL], and now [JFP] is deleting the server for the polycule.....    it's like my life is falling apart again.....       all i want to do is cry, or jump into another delusion but it feels like things are just going to shit......         i'm gonna go talk with Scrapbook System and play my video games for a bit.......

7-27-2022 - July 27th, 2022 - 18:24

#326 - Friendships Over

Akasi:

well, [GCS] left my server because she thinks changing her roles from friend to acquaintance is manipulative. i admit it could be a tad passive aggressive but like, i did leave it up to her if she wanted to be friends, and besides, she wasn't interacting anyways. it looks like she's done caring about me, and i'm just a little pissed about her deciding to leave because of some tiny thing like that. if she thought it was a problem or actually wanted to be friends, she could DM me and change it. i wasn't trying to be manipulative and i wasn't being manipulative, it's just more guilt inducing stuff which pisses me off. like [GCS] is leaving server and seems to be giving up on trying to be friends ever and is calling me manipulative over a discord role change that she can ask me to undo. of all the fucking things i've seen her do, this is one of the most childish, honestly. i'll assume she can add me back one day if she changes her mind, besides, anyone can google my name and my instagram and site pop up, so you know. anyways, this is hopefully the end of things with [GCS] because if she's acting this way, well, until she gets more mature i'd rather she didn't interact. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-27-2022 - July 27th, 2022 - 09:18

#325 - Friendships Paused & Updates

Akasi:

so, i checked my google analytics for the site today after my last entry and i have to say, i've had 29 readers in the last week, almost 30, which is a new record, and so, firstly, thank you to my loyal readers (i see you) and thank you to any new ones who come along, whether it be through me, my friends, or random chance, i hope you all like my words. as for the title of this entry, things with [GCS] are on, well, rocky ground. i read her diary entry, and, well, she's asking the questions i've been literally trying to get her to ask from the beginning "why would god choose to hate homosexuality", so that's good, but it seems i may have gone too far because she's, well, questioning her whole faith, which, while i think questioning it is good, same with any faith, it seems to be in a way that's making her unstable and pretty hurt, which-     i didn't want. either way the friendship is on pause, or maybe stopped? idk, i guess it depends on where [GCS] lands with her questioning, and if she ever adds me back. it's funny, i had a crush on her, i still do, but, it's not gonna work out, i see that now. i guess i just wanted to get her to begin questioning that first thing, that one part of the scripture, honestly that's all i fuckin wanted because if she did, i'm pretty sure she'd decide to drop it instead of keeping it because it's hateful, but if she keeps it, well, it says a lot about who she is, and i guess then the friendship is dead at that point. she's stayed in my server though, so, i guess there's that. i've since bumped her down to "acquaintance" which is where her and i are at now, just acquaintances, not really friends because, well, idk, we're not friends, but as the titla suggests, i'd like us to be, but in this case, i've left it up to her. if she wants to be friends, she can DM or add me as a friend, until then, well, it's whatever. i guess we're in a sort of gray area right now, i guess the only question is if we'll paint it red with blood, and have a falling out, or white for a fresh start and she'll drop that part of the scripture. i can also tell that [GCS] has a fair amount of emotions bottled up, and i wish that one day she would find a way to vent them better, hell, if she needed to i'd tell her to just scream at me, let her anger out through all caps and spam typing, something, then again, she may very well not have those emotions bottled up because of her vents like praying and stuff, but it seems she's been struggling regardless, and i just wish she'd vent them. honestly i wish she'd write in her diary more, then not only can i keep an eye on her for if she's having a really hard time, then i can get more inside her head, and understand her more, might help me be more open to her and stuff, it's also nice because her entries? they're actually really nice. pretty long and they have nice details, not a ton of emotions though, it's more just thoughts, which is one reason i think she's struggling, i wish she'd say like "i'm angry about this" and then sort through the reasons why, like i do, i show my train of thought as i figure out my emotions and sometimes have realisation hit mid entry, it's honestly one reason i've gotten so good with emotions, both in terms of identifying and dealing with them, because i think about them a lot and sort through them a lot and think about them very in depth, and i go through them in my head over and over and figure out the ins and outs of how my mind works, it's also probably part of why i follow LaVeyan Satanism as it's based strongly in logic and critical thinking and has some of that stuff in there. idk, i just wish things went different with [GCS], but i guess-   ok, if i'm honest, me trying to get her to drop the scripture is probably partly because of the whole thing with [TAL] killing herself, and me not having control over that, which i just thought of as possibly being the reason. funny, like i said, realisation mid entry. idk, i guess maybe i am trying to control [GCS] a bit, which is why i went so harshly with her, and caused her to ask more than just the one question of "why would god choose to hate homosexuality" and instead questioning her own faith entirely, which was not my intention. i guess it's also partly because the way i chose to counter her arguments and scripture is through critical thinking and comparison and showing her the hypocrisy, and, kinda hitting her hard with it. like i mean sure, believe what you want, but i did really just point out contradictions as the bulk of my arguments, that and alternate wordings and showing her that there may be errors. which i know this may sound like me justifying what i did through explaining my methods, no, i know making her question her whole faith was, well, harsh, and mean, maybe not entirely awful, because i do kinda hate a good portion of the christian bible and scripture, there's very little of it i'm ok with, but i can't argue that the people who drop the hateful bits are some of the nicest i've had in my life. however i admit i was harsh and mean in this situation. i honestly just wish she'd drop the hateful bits. idk, i guess i'm just a bit lost because i do wish we could have stayed friends, but her friends hate me, and dislike me, and i can't argue with the points one of her friends made, which is why i removed her as a friend and left it up to her if she wants me back in her life, which i guess she misunderstood it seems, i've left it up to her, not that i don't want her here, or dislike her, i've just left it up to her, idk if she'll ever care though, not after this mess. it's whatever though, what's done is done and it's up to her to change it. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

7-27-2022 - July 27th, 2022 - 08:51

#324 - Trans Girls, New Moods, & Good Vibes

Akasi:

ok, so to start off: yesterday i met a hella cute trans girl who i will call [TGA] and holy fuck, she's cute, and adorable, and absolutely hot and wow, i'm just surprised people that cool exist in real life, and have been very happy about it. and this girl, fuck, we ended up sending some sexy stuff on fucking day one and that with everything we talked about and her style and personality, and just-    gah! this girl's a total fucking vibe and i'm highkey falling in love already because who ever said i don't fall way too fast. idk, i see what i like and i feel lots of love and affection, and then as i get to know that person that love and affection deepens and becomes stronger, or it dissipates depending on who they are. i guess the best way to describe it is i have a SHIT TON of aesthetic attraction, and then i have a shit ton of personality attraction, and then lots of sexual attraction, which now meeting this girl in real life, it's like- i'm finally getting this. oh and also, yeah, this girl? we met in real life, like seriously, we had the "trans girl recognition moment" as she put it lol, and i loved that and it, and i was like-     honestly on the spot i was like "hottttttt, yes pleaseeeee" because like, yeah, this girl is fucking adorable, like i swear to fucking Lucifer this girl is HOT AND CUTE, like, yeah, i really fucking like her. so yeah, that's been great, the only caveat is she hasn't texted me back this morning, and i'm just a teensy bit worried that yesterday she went "oh, yeah, no, this girl is not for me" and ditched my number or something, but past that? hell yeah. so that was great, now there's something else that happened at the end of yesterday with [JFP], see, as i was laying in bed falling asleep, i just, idk, i guess just age slid kinda? but maybe not? it was as if i age slid and regressed, but not to like, younger, but-    idk, i guess, to more kitten like thoughts i guess, and considering we've been doing pet play, i mean, yeah, like, i wasn't even thinking in words, like i usually have an internal dialogue, sometimes two (though the second one may be another Alter) and this was just- no words, just thoughts, me, as a catgirl, imagining [JFP] cuddling me, curled up around me, with me curled in a ball around a plushie, so calm, so relaxed, just in this state of bliss. and there's something i've been saying for a long time. it's as if my nervous system is hardwired into my emotions, and so every emotion has a physical reaction, and this was an entirely new reaction that i have ever felt before, it's as if my entire nervous system was wires, and every strand was dipped or coated or maybe had flowing through it this warm, golden, calming, sweet honey, and that's the closest i can come to explaining it. it's just-    it's confusing to be honest because i've heard people say like about pupspace and stuff, and like, no thoughts and being calm and all that, but this? idk if this is it, or if it's like, some other emotional reaction, but i am just feeling-    idk, that feeling last night, laying there, it was so nice, like i wasn't thinking in words either, i was thinking in concepts, or ideas, or images, like i thought "oh [JFP], talk to her" but not that, i thought of the action of texting her, and typing? i was completely on autopilot, it's almost as if i was in a lucid dream or half waking dream, but then when i re read, i get a semblance of that feeling and it just sends my nervous system into pins and needles and it's as if it's telling me "no, this is not ok" like that feeling i get when i'm really fucking anxious and in danger, but, with [JFP], under my weighted blanket last night? i was just-    safe. just safe, and calm, and cosy, and it was just perfect. in a way i don't feel, like ever. idk, maybe it's because i finally have a partner i trust to the extent that i do with [JFP], or maybe i'm just getting better at trusting people, or maybe it's her and i's dynamic, or maybe i'm just healing from trauma, it could really be any number of things, or all of them, and i really don't know. anyways, i think i'm gonna end this entry here heh, that got very long. i hope to see you in my next entry, dear reader.

7-26-2022 - July 26th, 2022 - 04:57

#323 - System Fun

Akasi:

ok, so since my system and i have figure out how to live functionally multiple, the others have begun having little dynamics, like Winchester will, for example, try and beat me on my video games and we have a bit of a rivalry of them beating my scores on our account. it's been fun having this, and it only reminds me why i will NEVER do final fusion because i love my system way too much, and we're just way too separate from one another, and honestly? as stupid as it may sound, i'm really attached to the other members of my system, like that's the biggest thing for me, the emotional connection with the other Alters. time gaps? i don't care or mind, i'm used to them. sharing stuff? ehhh, i'm ok with it. depends. like we've gotten to where living multiple is easy ish, and works for us, partly because we have a site and stuff to show Alter information and make it pretty damn clear we're plural, but it's just-    idk, i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's working shockingly well for us and that i really fucking love the other Alters in my system and that honestly? making the best of things, having DID and making the best of stuff with good dynamics among us and in our life, and just-   now that we've put in the work to make it work, it works shockingly well, which i admit, couple years ago? i never thought living functionally multiple would have worked, but it is. anyways, i guess i'm just saying that things have been good and life is good and that living this way is working, which is nice. i admit it's a lot of work, but it's working nonetheless. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-26-2022 - July 26th, 2022 - 01:33

#322 - Freezing Over

Mxy:

so, i've been dating [JFP] as well as Akasi, and so, she's like going to bed right now when i was hoping to talk, and so like, i guess i'm annoyed, or upset, but like, my only real emotional reaction is to freeze over. i go cold, and freeze, and that's about it. then it takes a while to melt me back down or break through the ice. and she's saying we can talk tomorrow (today because past midnight) but when i don't always get front time and us having plans with our grandmother tomorrow, i don't see it working out. it's just-   i don't know. i guess i feel, annoyed, bummed out, umm, yeah nope, can't do that. when i freeze over emotions become difficult, like i know kinda what i feel, but i just freeze over and distract myself until the emotions go away, and if they don't then i guess i'll try to address them if a day like that comes. anyways, i hope to see you back here again.

7-25-2022 - July 25th, 2022 - 12:43

#320 - Worries

Akasi:

well, today, [GCS] has been avoiding me and not texting back, or at least it seems like it so it's like, it's really worrying that i went too far, because i don't want to lose her, but you know, i do stand by stuff i say, i don't go back on it except in rare situations, and i apologise and stuff, all that. then [JFP] is also not responding, and i just-     idk, it feels like everyone's freezing me out, or doesn't like me today. i'm gonna go to bed i think, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

7-25-2022 - July 25th, 2022 - 01:07

#319 - Justification

Akasi:

so in Entry #278, i talked about my problems with [GCS] and her views and such, namely her scripture, and all of that, and so i just sent her literally 8,000 characters on why i said all that i did, almost another whole entry worth of words, all proving and vouching my points, including a part where i go back and then counter-argue against my own points with things that they can be seen as and point out the weak links, and justify those weak links, and show why they're there, and i also explained and justified all of my stuff to her, and in general really hit her with a lot. she's gonna wake up to a lot. i also realised something funny, that my readers and her may not know that i think: if you follow a religion, COMMIT TO IT, fully truly and genuinely follow it and align with it, and if you agree with another religion GO FOR IT, change which you follow, follow the one that feels right, the one YOU like and connect with, and go for it, but if you follow any religion, question that faith every now and again, have others challenge you, or challenge yourself with potential points, really just test yourself continually and check yourself, and if you end up disagreeing with that faith one day then like i said, convert, change, choose another. like with [GCS], i want her to question and abandon the hateful scripture, and stop feeling that simply because i feel it's unjustified because i made the comparison that it's like i blame [GCS] for having curly hair because jesus had straight hair in the paintings, while she can choose to straighten it, sure, it's work and effort to change just for something that's relatively unimportant and to deny a part of her, like how being gay and not dating is effort just to conform or whatever, when it's relatively unimportant because as far as i know, there's no specific reason that god should hate LGBTQ+ folks, it's his words that say that they will not inherit his kingdom, but why? why does he say that? did a gay man try and seduce him into sin? not as far as i know. so it's like, it's pointless, and if god's supposed to be all loving, all righteous, all that, does hating a group of people for no reason, for an unjustified reason sound righteous? does barring them from heaven for no reason sound righteous? it's just unjustified, and hateful, and like if someone's trying to say "oh this person is bad" i ask what their reasons are, and if it's something that i don't agree with, and don't think is wrong, then i'm going to be friends with the person they dislike anyways, and it's why i am always specific about hating aspects of things and not the whole thing, because it's more specific and accurate, and far more justifiable, in fact hating an aspect of someone or something is always justified, it just becomes a question of whether or not that aspect is worth disliking the person or thing as a whole over, so what does god have against LGBTQ+ folks? and how is it justified? at the end of the day i want [GCS] to question her faith, think about it, think about what she agrees with, and have it challenged because at the end of the day, if you get challenged, you can search for answers, you can search for them, and find them, and then when you do, your faith only gets stronger, it's why having someone challenge my beliefs respectfully and logically is one of the best fucking things, and i've had to admit that i was very fucking wrong in those situations, like seriously, tell me why i am wrong and point out many facts, points, and all of that, and really just smack me with it, and if you do so fully logically, and with 0 opinions, i will admit that i am wrong, or that my thing is an opinion, and not a justified one, or in some way, concede my point a bit if i don't want to fully disagree with it, so i want [GCS] to not only test her faith, but openly accept challenging of it, and take it in stride and take those answers and forge them into even stronger bonds and ties to her faith, take the tangled and complex allegations and challenges to her faith that she'll get over the years and unravel them with research into her faith, and take the answers she gets to forge steel cables that bind her to her faith ever stronger. if you want to believe in something, go for it, but only believe if you truly align with it, and take challenges in faith openly, and truly build a strong connection to your faith, because then, if you build that connection to your faith and get a lot of answers, then you can spread that faith and make points and show people the beauty of your faith in true colour to anyone and everyone willing to listen, and truly and genuinely show how beautiful it is, and express yourself through it, and really just become a role model for that faith, a role model of what people in that faith should be, and act like. like me, i fully align with LaVeyan Satanism and can truly and genuinely explain it in depth, and that connection, that level of connection shows that you truly align with that thing, or faith, or whatever, and people like that who align so strongly with it, and truly believe it, those people are wonderful, and i have met, one, singular christian who was like that in my whole life, he was wonderful, and a great guy, and a good friend in the time we knew each other, and he's my favourite example of a great christian, not only because he didn't hate but because he answered all my questions about the faith, for hours, and not one answer had holes, weak links, or anything for me to question. i don't align with it, but it left me with a much deeper understanding of that faith and i'm happy to have it, even if i don't align with it. everyone should have someone or something to sling to, a constant in their life, like a religion, or a friend, or a relative, or someone or something to cling to. for me, i did that through years of delusion, and now LaVeyan Satanism, for some it's friends, or a sibling, or some other religion, or a job, or some hobby, or something, because clinging to those constants, they allow us to have something in our whole life, something to rely on, and then if needed, we can change what that constant is, transfer over, like with the delusions, it took me a few weeks there to break out of my most recent one, and as i did, i got more into LaVeyan Satanism, and transferred my constant from a delusion to a religion. i just wish that people would fully and truly commit to those constants, and find ones they align with in full. like i partly agree with a good portion of Norse ideals, but some i can't get behind, i can't agree or align with, not in full, at least not from what i know so far, so i don't say i'm a LaVeyan Satanist/Norse believer, i say i'm just a LaVeyan Satanist, and one day if i get into the Norse religion, i may very well add that as another religion i agree with and align with and follow, but i'm not gonna mention it except if someone asks, or on occasion where it's relevant to say i kind of align with some of those ideals, it's just not relevant, and i'm not committed to it, nor do i fully align, and therefore, i'm not going to say i align with it, or am following it, not until i question it, and find out if i truly do align with it. find stuff you believe in, align with, and then stick to them in full, and spread the beauty of those alignments with everyone willing to listen, and show off that beauty every day, even if it's just with yourself, and be a great person through committing to your alignments, and showing others how great they are, and helping them be better in their own way, and if they so choose help them figure out if they align with your alignments, and if not, help them find what they align with and help them be the best version of themselves on their path, and where your alignments permit, share in that path, walk it with them, and if your alignments don't cover that part of the path, walk it anyways, you might have your alignments and beliefs challenged and through that strengthen your own faith, your alignments, your beliefs. i truly think that all religions, alignments, and beliefs and the people who follow them can co exist in harmony and continually challenge each other, and help each other become better and more aligned with their chosen alignments, and help each other on the uncharted paths, we all just need to work together and commit to the things we truly and genuinely align with. i just hope that [GCS] can see and agree with all i've said here and can truly be my friend this time around, and we can meet in the middle and be close again because fuck, i missed her, and i really want her to be a great person, better than she is, and truly take her faith to the next level through questioning and challenging it and then getting answers like i said, and along the way, show how great that faith can be, and drop the unjustified hate. anyways, i think i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-24-2022 - July 24th, 2022 - 18:45

#318 - Christianity, Satanism, And Old Friends

Akasi:

well, [GCS] came back. i added her on a whim yesterday (after cancelling the one i sent in Entry #289), and so we've been talking. it's been nice because i missed her but if i'm honest i fucking hate her following of the hateful scripture, and i hate seeing how her mind works in her diary because of how little she questions things, herself, her beliefs, questions if they're right or wrong, if they have any grounds to say that, like if the christian god says that "gays go to hell", and all that, why does he say that? is it just to be hateful? is it just because he hates his creation? or maybe like i said to [GCS], maybe LGBTQ+ folk are gods and goddesses. funnily enough the scripture may actually hint at something like that from what [GCS] told me. now, this isn't to say i'm anti christian, the religion serves her needs, it makes her feel better, it allows her to live life, to have something to hold on to, some constant. like the Satanic Bible says, people in the religion externalise themselves through this god to achieve fulfillment of who they are and to take vent to their emotions and all of that. also, if people are made in god's image but he can be wrathful, who's to say that people aren't supposed to be like that as well? or if they're not, then are they supposed to be better than god by eliminating that flaw? just some alternative possibilities that i've thought of and prove why i could never follow that religion. as i write this we've been talking a lot, and well, i've said a lot, and i kinda got her to go silent, so here's hoping i didn't fuck up. i'm gonna end this entry here, but i'll probably write a better one later on.

7-24-2022 - July 24th, 2022 - 07:34

#317 - ASPD & Dogs

Akasi:

so we got a new Alter the other day, two, actually, from the trauma of [TAL] well, doing what she did. one of them is who we'll call Void, and so he has essentially ASPD and what's called Alexithymia, which is the scientific name for problems with emotions, hence the title. so he's taken a shine to our dog, and has called our dog, his dog, and he's, well, training him, like legit training and teaching and stuff and he's doing well, and when i raised my voice at our dog for him growling, Void came into co con and well, yelled at me, and really just fucking slapped me with, well, entirely and purely logical explanations of why i shouldn't do that, and it-    it pissed me right the fuck off because it was emotionless and just-   it was so well argued that it pissed me off, especially because i had no response, and i still don't. it also pissed me off because i know i'm wrong, and i know that Void was entirely right, and it also hurts that he's being a better pet owner than i have been and he's been here barely 3 days as of today. as i write this, Void fronted and sat with our dog for a bit just, petting him, idk, it's-     idk, there's a purity to those two...    anyways. i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-21-2022 - July 21st, 2022 - 19:44

#316 - Partners & BPD

Akasi:

ok, so, after my last entry i talked with [JFP] and once i calmed down a bit and vented but was still so upset and the conversation was winding down she did "*hugs you*" which is to mean like doing the action and my heart just fucking melted and i broke down crying on my end of the screen because that? hugging me when i've calmed down a bit from being mad, i have never had that, like, [JFP] just hit me in my fucking heart and soul with that because all i want is to just be loved and feel loved and safe and cared for and like i have someone i can trust and just-      fuck. [JFP] just proved to me that she's just so fucking amazing in that singular moment, showing me again that loving her? one of the best things i've ever had the privilege of doing, like i am just in awe at that one action, and how it was just perfect and made me feel so strongly, enough to earn [JFP] an entry off this action because it means so fucking much. to [JFP]: i fucking love you to bits. back to my entry: i'm gonna end here, but yeah i'm feeling a lot better.

7-21-2022 - July 21st, 2022 - 18:41

#315 - Sick Of Childishness

Akasi:

so my mother, i swear to fucking Shiva she's such a childish bitch, and she uses her emotions and shit to guilt trip me and is such a fucking manipulative narcissist because she just fucking HATES the idea of me doing what the fuck i want. with my transition she was like "i'm worried you'll get hurt and this and that" when it was about her not wanting me to transition, and today i asked for something in the store and this fucking bitch fucking used that piece of shit annoying, degrading, condescending voice that she always uses when she acts like a fucking child and uses it to fucking guilt trip me and be a childish bitch and i am SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. it's a damn miracle the worst i've done is punch her, which ironically is the same place that she's been having soreness around. turns out adrenaline is a hell of a thing. it's just so fucking bullshit that she's acted this way and i HATE that she makes me just so fucking pissed, like every time she uses that voice, it just pisses me off and i know there's no sane and logical talking with her when it comes to that fucking voice, and it's why i fucking manipulate the bitch because she won't listen to fucking reason and i am just SO FUCKING SICK OF THAT FUCKING VOICE, it's practically a fucking trigger at this point and makes me want to crush her fucking larynx. if i ever hit her again i'm doing it in the throat, make this bitch a mute so i never need to hear that fucking bullshit voice ever the fuck again. and all these emotions, all this hate you see coming out right now in this entry, it's all the internalised emotions and shit that i've had to deal with for fucking years, and i never cope with it because i have excellent self control but sometimes people test that self control and i fucking lose it. and people wonder why i have BPD when i had a manipulatively guilt tripping childish bitch of a narcissist for a mother, and a father with bipolar who would yell at me and get in my face and shit and fucking square up to me and back me up when he was mad because he thinks that intimidation will work and shit, when all it does is piss me off. it's a fucking miracle there hasn't been more violence in this fucking house than me punching each of them. i know there's no fucking way out because i don't have the money, resources, or anything to be able to get out of here, and then there's the whole issue of "where the fuck would i go" when i'd need to cross the fucking border and move to another country to get away from them, and there's my stuff that i'd need to bring, and in reality it's just a whole thing and issue that i can't get around. i just hate this shit and wish i could get the fuck out of here but i can't and it sucks, it's like they're doing everything they can to test me and piss me off. and then after this stuff settles it's just back to business as usual, back to being half decent parents, just hide everything and hide it away, and when i talk about them being bad, they get upset with me and try to guilt trip me more into not going and telling people, and in the moment, sure, they're not that bad, but when shit like this happens i fucking hate them because this shit has been going on for years. it's also partly because today is not the fucking day to piss me off, like i'm already in a bad mood and i think maybe i've been co con with Winchester but idfk, nor do i care or give a shit. i'm just so pissed. and people wonder why the fuck i'm like this, choosing and loving and fully aligning with a guilt free religion, having fucking BPD but holding extreme amounts of self control because i have to deal with this shit and have for years, it's a fucking miracle i'm not worse than i am. i'm so sick of this shit. i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-20-2022 - July 20th, 2022 - 12:05

#313 - Loss

Mxy:

well, since [TAL] killed herself, Akasi's been in rough shape, but ignoring per own emotions so as to avoid coping, and now per's just drowning in per emotions, and i'm freezing over. i'm pretty sure per'll do an obituary soon ish, but i don't know. i hope to see you in our next entry, whoever reads this.

7-20-2022 - July 20th, 2022 - 02:03

#312 - Slipping

Akasi:

well, just a bit ago i ended up manipulating [AFA] by, well, weaponising truths to emotionally manipulate them by telling them i broke up with them partly because they wouldn't vent to me, and to open up to me because of it, which while it may have been true, like it did hurt when they wouldn't open up, i shouldn't have done that, and it just-     it just hurts because i've been doing really fucking well for a long time now, and i've been doing so damn well with not manipulating people but i just-     i slipped. it's been really hurting a lot because i want to apologise, but i know that anything i saw, i'm at risk of saying something manipulative unintentionally (which saying the thing to begin with was unintentionally manipulative) and so i know the best thing is to just shut up, think, find a good, non manipulative way to apologise, explain, and essentially move forward without fucking up again, and then once this is resolved with [AFA], think about it and a lot of my recent actions and just really really run through them, analyse EVERYTHING i've said in the past week essentially, all my behaviours too, and in general just psychoanalyse myself and run simulations and truly learn and understand everything i did and how it may have been a problem and apologise for all of it, and do better. it's what i do every time i slip, because i know that when i slip, there's always more and i just need to sit and think about it. i know that every time i do it unintentionally, but it doesn't mean it's not my fault, it's not something i need to apologise for, because it still hurts people, and while i may not have intended, it's my disorder, and my responsibility to try my best to avoid hurting people (who don't deserve it, only people who might are people who've traumatised and abused me) and that when i do hurt people, to apologise and repair things the best i can. i know it's not nearly as bad as it would be with some people because i'm actually trying to change and be better but still, it hurts me every time i slip. every time. it's that hurt that reminds me to be better, because i don't want to hurt [AFA], i don't, that's the last thing i want, and this situation, what if it was [JFP]? or the new girl i've been talking to who we'll call [ATS], like what if i manipulated her? she already has some trauma about people with BPD, so like-     it just hurts. i know [AFA] has a bit of a tolerance and will call me out and stuff (it's honestly one of their amazing qualities is bluntly calling people out with psychoanalysis), but still, it just-      it really hurts me every time i do this because i see the power i can have over and with people just through manipulation, like i've seriously taken it pretty far where the person was ok with it and stuff like i've asked people if they wanted me to and then manipulated people to help them get better and such in the past and told them i was doing it while i did it, all while doing what they want, manipulate them to get better in some way, or realise some thing, or change their way of thinking, all of that, and it's helped, and i've seen people change and be happier and stuff because of it, and again, i offered and they said (typically) something along the lines of "i mean you can try but i doubt it'll work, but go ahead" and i do it and a week later they're like "idk why but i'm happier today because of this thing feeling different" and then i explain to them all the manipulation and stuff i did and they just sit there, shocked, but thankful, and i stop doing it in the future, and it makes them realise things and be happier on their own, and so like, that's the good side of manipulation and me being able to use it, the bad side is like, hurting [AFA], and i hate myself every fucking time that i do it, every fucking time that i hurt someone with this skill, and it just hurts me because i don't like hurting people, and i've been doing way better but i slipped. probably because i've been going through a lot but still, that's not even really an excuse and it just hurts. i'm gonna end this entry here, and think, and try to sleep, hopefully this doesn't keep me up all night...

7-18-2022 - July 18th, 2022 - 22:54

#311 - Domino Effect

Akasi:

well, i have neglected to mention it, but [TAL] ended up killing herself about a week ago. i realised why i've been so upset since then, so on a hair trigger, it's because i blame myself for her death in part because when i left the SZ server, i caused a mass exodus because most of the active people were friends, or took my side, and so they left when i did, and that caused the server to just go inactive, and after talking with her boyfriend, well, turns out that it going inactive is what broke her, what drove her to attempt. i encouraged the people to leave, or at least, i mentioned it, but they did leave of their own choice kinda, but it was ultimately because of me, and so, i mean, i leave, server goes inactive, she kills herself because of it? that's almost directly my fault, and it hurts. i just wish that it didn't happen. i was pissed at her after the whole situation and kinda hated her, but after a few days i just didn't care, but it didn't mean that i didn't respect her, or want her to come back into my life, because i did, both of those, and just the fact that she did this? it just-    it's just shocking and it hurts, and since then i've been in a whole new kind of tailspin and upset and i just-     i've had no idea which way is up and i've been thinking its's just a craving for instability, but it's more than that, it's so much more. it's just upsetting, really fucking upsetting....

7-18-2022 - July 18th, 2022 - 21:51

#310 - Points Of View

Akasi:

well, [JFP] was pretty upset after reading my last entry, and it's just-    i don't see nearly cutting as all that bad for me because i know that for most of my life i couldn't go a week without feeling that urge, and for a good portion i felt it every other day, but she's, idk, she seemed really upset, and i just-     i don't know how to fix this because i know the past couple days have been rough, and given how rough it's seemed from my perspective, i can't help but feel like she's gonna breakup with me literally any minute. i just wish i knew what to do. and aside from that, if she does break up with me, that-   that's gonna hurt a ton because i've been better than i have been in months lately, and so like, if i'm still not good enough then, well, what the hell does that say about my worth, you know? and how's she gonna feel this winter that seems to be rapidly approaching? i'm gonna be worse than i have these past few days, so i'm either going to need her to be prepared for a really rough few months, take a break every year with her, or find external supports, people to talk to, friends, all of that, and so it's like-      i don't know. if she's close to breaking up with me now, then-     fuck. it also hurts because fucking hell i LOVE [JFP], like i really fucking love her so fucking much, and i don't want to lose her, that's the last fucking thing i want and would just break my fucking heart. i just don't know what to do or say, and i know that if she's close to breaking up with me, then asking "hey, are you close to breaking up with me?" is only going to make her closer to that bc it's insecurity, and i've been broken up with over feeling insecure before, damn, what have i been broken up over for? concussion happened once, broken up with because "i'm too much" happened like 3 times, 3 breakups were because of, well i was still figuring out my sexuality, one was bc my GF at the time found a girl she liked better and broke up with me by texting me to tell me that she found another girl, i believe me being broken up with because of being insecure happened once, but maybe twice, and then one was with this girl from Australia and we mutually broke up because neither of us had the time in our lives for a relationship which is the only amicable breakup i have ever had, then, well, i got broken up with by [AFA] bc of, well, you know that story from earlier entries, and the one of why i broke up with them most recently. anyways, that was a tangent, either way, i just don't want to lose [JFP], because i seriously fucking love this girl. anyways, that's where i'm gonna end this entry. i hope to see you in the next one.

7-19-2022 - July 18th, 2022 - 19:00

#309 - Emotions & Pain

Akasi:

well, today [JFP] decided to try and guide me through some sort of meditation where i'm calm but also feeling emotions, and it took multiple protests and telling her that i am physically incapable multiple times for her to get it, for her to tell me to stop, now you may be thinking "why didn't you just stop anyways Akasi?" well, it's because i figured i would try even though i know that all these exercises do is make me wanna fucking kill myself faster than anything in the world, as it is, i half the knife just barely above my skin because fuck, i wanted to cut, but i looked at my streak, i looked at my time clean, and i put the knife away. it's like feeling emotions and being calm at the same time is a physical impossibility for me, like i seriously feel like i am almost in physical pain when i do these, and my nervous system just goes haywire, like i physically fucking can not do anything to change this, and i just start fucking vibrating, because i just feel like, idk, i just feel awful, and it's like, instead of feeling my emotions and letting them out, i just internalise them, and i just start making my nervous system go haywire, and it hurts so much, and then the fact of trying to calm myself and bottle up my emotions being a horrible habit that's just instinct makes it all even worse, and when i bottle up i end up like i was that day that [RTP] decided to insult me, i snap, i fucking snap and i lose it on people and i act horrible and i hate it, and myself even more because of it. so despite all of this, and knowing it, i yet again subject myself to trying and letting [JFP] try this, and do it again, just to prove to her that it doesn't fucking work, because everyone thinks when i tell them that it's physically impossible, they always think "oh, per's just being dramatic" when in reality, i mean it makes me worse and hurts me like hell, and that's made even worse by the fact that during the whole thing i tell them i'm trying but say how i feel so they know that i keep getting worse and knew from the beginning. and every time someone tries one of these things, they never fucking listen, and then if i don't do it or refuse, and don't let them walk over my boundary of not wanting to try this they go "oh well you never tried this" like no, i've tried it, i've tried for years, and it's just with every person that's asked me to do something like this before now, and now [JFP] i just need to let them try it, and try it, and prove to them again, THIS DOESN'T WORK. fucking hell, i should note down these entries so people can refer back to them and i can just give them this site and the list of entry numbers just to prove my point and help me enforce this boundary. maybe i will start that, who knows, either way, just another day in my life. i just wish people would actually fucking listen to me sometimes when i say stuff and say "this will not work, this does not work, and i've tried it". but they never do, and i know the only way to make the point is through subjecting myself to it, and in most cases ending up cutting to cope, which as i said, this time i luckily didn't. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one, whoever reads this.

7-18-2022 - July 18th, 2022 - 00:41

#308 - Reciprocation

Akasi:

i'm mad. i'm not mad at anyone or mad for no reason, but i'm mad that NOBODY LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE PEOPLE, LITERALLY NOBODY, NOT ONCE IN MY LIFE HAVE I FOUND SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE OTHERS NOT ONE FUCKING PERSON. like i just want someone to fucking want me to do all the cute shit i want to, all the stuff, like at this point i'm just fucking sure there's something seriously fucking wrong with me because i want to do all sorts of cute, lovey dovey stuff, and i want to have that all with every partner, and i want some special thing with each partner too, but nobody is willing to let me do those things, and so i have to respect their boundaries but it almost hurts because i don't know how to express these emotions, like when i'm in relationships and good situations i still have the problem of bottling up emotions, but not bad or negative ones, not things like anger, sadness, anything else, no, i need to bottle up love because i have no clue how to show people i love them in a way that lets this emotion out in full, like it's almost fucking painful how much i love people, to the point that two nights in a row i've started bawling my eyes out because i want to show [JFP] i love her to fucking bits with every ounce of this emotion but i just can't because she doesn't want that, and so i keep needing to wait, and take it slow, and i don't know how to really do that, i don't know how to show people i love them to fucking bits properly. it just-    i'm just upset because i want all the cutesy stuff but i can't do it. like i want to tell [JFP] that she is amazing, and sweet, and kind, and caring, and loving, and passionate, and so, so, so fucking amazing, and hot, and cute, and just so completely adorable and that i love her so much, and i want to write love letters to her every day, and it's like saying this, expressing this, letting this emotion out like this, reminding her that she's these amazing things is the only way i know how to let this emotion out but i just-    can't. i love so much that at this point i just think there's something wrong with me. i just love my partners so fucking much.

7-17-2022 - July 17th 2022 - 10:43

#307 - Regarding BPD & Love

Akasi:

so right now, [JFP] seems to be a bit distant, and it's because i want to do all the cute shit i do with partners, with her, like i want to send her poems, i want to send her love letters, i want to send hearts, send "i love you" all the time, i want to gush to others about her and i want to love her with every ounce of the emotional intensity that i have because that's the thing people forget about BPD. one of BPD's main symptoms is extreme emotional intensity, and people know the usual, get fired up, yell, scream, all that in seconds, but they forget that when it's something like love? that also goes to those emotional extremes, usually to the point of what seems like obsession, when in reality it's just super intense love. like i just fucking love [JFP] so much and i don't know what to fucking do with it because i don't want to upset her, or hurt her, or anything like that, but i want to love her to the extent that i usually do and i want to show her that i love her to bits and that she is truly loved, cared for, appreciated, and adored by me and i just want to show all of that because FUCK i love her so fucking much and i don't know how to show that in a way that she will like, like with most partners i just-    idk, i just-    i don't even know, i just want to show [JFP] that i fucking love her to bits. i'm an intense lover, when i love someone i go all in and i show them i love them a shit ton, and make them feel loved and appreciated to such an extreme extent because i want to, because it's how i show that i care, it's how i show my love, by being intense, by going all in, by showing them all sorts of romantic gestures and lovey cute shit, like right now i want to show [JFP] that i love her and i don't know how, or if i even can and so i'm bawling my eyes out as i type this entry because FUCK i just want to show [JFP] how much i love her, but i just-    can't.....          and that hurts like hell in a way....

7-14-2022 - July 14th, 2022 - 22:00

#304 - Learning To Accept Kindness

Akasi:

as stupid as this entry title may sound it's got a lot of weight. i have this intense difficulty with self worth, which is part of why i wanted to talk to [SBS] when they were part of my delusion, and why i had the delusion and all of that, i wanted to see myself as "above it all" or "special" or in some way have something to give myself self worth in life, and now without that, i've just been a bit lost, and then, [JFP] just comes in and keeps showing me that i am so much more than i think, showing me value that i don't see in myself, showing me that i am cared for, loved, and appreciated. it's just been amazing, she's been amazing, and i just- i keep just loving her more every fucking day. it's meant so much to me and i wish i knew how to tell her with actions and not words, but i don't, and so, until i find a way, i will just keep telling her i love her so fucking much while i think

7-14-2022 - July 14th, 2022 - 18:31

#303 - Bad To Good

Akasi:

well, this entry was originally going to be an entry about me being upset about a person from the polycule server being a bit harsh in response to a joke, but nope, i messaged and apologised and she apologised for being harsh, and that was nice. it never ceases to amaze me just how welcoming people in server have been, and how much more i love [JFP] and luv all the other members (luv being for friends, in case anyone forgot). it's nice.

7-13-2022 - July 13th, 2022 - 19:15

#302 - Solidification

Akasi:

well, firstly, i'm ok, Winchester kept me safe and did his job as a protector. to him: thank you, i needed help and you got it for me. back to the entry: i am better now, and i even got myself more solidified. since i had a serious emotional connection to the characters i created in my delusions, i've decided i'm making an imaginary friend who we will call [SBS], or Scrapbook System, who is going to be an imaginary character that each Alter of said imaginary system is one character from my delusions. i will also add more characters as i see fit, or a need, or whatever. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here and solidify stuff and relax. i hope to see you in my next entry.

7-13-2022 - July 13th, 2022 - 15:29

#301 - Warning Signs

Winchester:

ok so that last entry is the warning signs for Akasi to be getting upset and going in a suicidal spiral of some sort, so yeah, i'll probably be here for a while fronting, so yeah, let's hope i can undo this damage. i don't think it was that bad but definitely enough that Akasi needs support.

7-13-2022 - July 13th, 2022 - 14:06

#300 - Shutting Down

Akasi:

well after my last entry, [JFP] kinda started to be here for me and then just has shown that she won't be here, and so now i'm just fucking done. i'm gonna be dealing with this on my own and just shutting down and shutting off like i do when i'm extremely hurt. i know it's unrealistic to expect [JFP] to be here the whole time and/or all the time, but i just-     i needed her today, but then it's so much time and it's unfair to her other partners, which normally i'd be ok with, but i just-    i have no one, i need someone and yet nobody is willing to be here for me, and it just hurts. god it's times like this that i'd call up [SFZ] or something, spend time with her, but then now that i broke out of that delusion i can't, and i know i can have her around as an imaginary friend but still. i just don't even know what to do because i have fucking nobody here for me. [VGL] hates me i think and i think our friendship is ending, [PMF] well, you can assume just how badly he hates me, and then i have no more than, oh, what, 5 friends? and none of them like me enough to handle me today. maybe i should just ditch my online presence, ditch my friends. i could do the thing i do where i just remove all my friends, see who comes back, i did it a couple times before when i got too many people in my life. idk. i just don't know what to do. idk, maybe i'll just go on a walk in the middle of nowhere and see where i end up. i just need to clear my head and since nobody's willing to help, i guess it's time to say fuck people and deal with stuff on my own.

7-13-2022 - July 13th, 2022 - 09:44

#299 - No, I Am Not Stable

Akasi:

well, my last entry? yeah, total delusion, it was and is a delusion and i need to admit that to myself, which when i acknowledge how many people i got to believe me about that stuff i realise just how fucked in the head i was and still am. it just hurts. but hey! now i get to move forward and say yeah, it was a delusion, and i am just a delusional girl with BPD and some very very very unhealthy coping mechanisms and trauma defense mechanisms. it just hurts because i had a genuine emotional attachment to the characters i created and imagined, like [SFZ], she was so nice, and sweet, and like i can still imagine her and interactions with her and have her as an imaginary friend, but still, idk. it's not like she "died" because she never existed, but just knowing that she was my imagination and a delusion hurts, it just does, and i'm going to miss her, but hey, like i said, i can have her as an imaginary friend, which i suppose is nice. idk, it's just so weird and shit to know that it was never hallucinations, and just my imagination and delusions, like imaginary friends, but still. it's also weird because some characters are analogs for real people, like [SIF] is my real life abuser, just an analog of whoever that person is, and i think once i cope i'll uncover the real memory, but still, until then, i'll just have to wait. also the memories too! some of them were actual memories, just falsified, or coated, or covered up with the delusion, so what may have been a very real situation, was processed through the delusion to be just as bad but slightly different. it just hurts. i'm gonna be a mess for a while, but still, i'll be ok. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

7-12-2022 - July 12th, 2022 - 06:42

#298 - Am I Stable?

Akasi:

so, i umm, for a few months now i've been thinking that the Immortal shit is what my life has been, but not. i've been thinking that it's maybe a delusion from falsified memories that i made to protect me from trauma, or maybe Mxy made them as fae's the oldest alter, or i don't know, something. i'm kinda having a bit of an, idk, something, but if it is all a delusion, then the walls are crashing down.

7-11-2022 - July 11th, 2022 - 18:29

#297 - BPD Episodes, Edition 3

Akasi:

well as you can tell by the title, this is a BPD episode that i'm in for some fucking reason. i guess it's feeling bad about hurting [VGL] or maybe it's feeling [AFA] hurting, or maybe it's just me freaking out over nothing, but i just-   i don't know what's going on right now, like it's as if i just had a ton of emotions hit me like a brick wall for some reason and i don't know what to do, or say, or feel, and i just-    i'm just crying, because i don't know what else to do, like-     it's just painful, and then there's more people venting and all i can do is feel responsible, and just-     i wish there was something more i could do, and i wish that people weren't hurting, and i wish that i could make everything better AND I WISH I DIDN'T HURT [VGL] AND I WISH I DIDN'T FUCK UP SO MUCH AND I WISH I WAS BETTER AND I WISH I WASN'T SHIT AND I WISH I HAD A MORE FUNCTIONAL LIFE AND I WISH SEPHIR WOULD FIX THINGS WITH [VGL] INSTEAD OF JUST HIDING IN THE INNER WORLD AND I WISH THAT EVERYTHING CAN JUST GO WELL FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE INSTEAD OF BEING A STUPID, CRAZY, FUCKED UP MESS, AND I WISH I WAS ABLE TO REMEMBER MY TRAUMA SO I COULD ACTUALLY FEEL IT AND HEAL FROM IT, AND I WISH THAT MXY WOULDN'T LIE TO ME AND KEEP SECRETS AND I WISH THAT I HAD A BETTER LIFE AND I WISH I KNEW HOW TO LIVE AND I WISH I KNEW HOW TO FUNCTION AND I FUCKING WISH THAT I COULD JUST ENJOY THINGS AND BE HAPPY FOR TWO SECONDS WITHOUT AN EMOTIONAL EPISODE INSTEAD OF CRYING WHENEVER MY LIFE IS GOOD AND FALLING APART WHEN THE SLIGHTEST THING HAPPENS. i-   i just-    i needed to yell and scream and i still kinda do because i don't know what to do. my life is stable and stuff, but i still feel so unstable inside, like i feel the chaos inside of me, i feel it swirling like this storm that i am the eye of, and all i want to do is cause chaos, let that storm out, cause chaos, let my life go to shit, fight, be a problem, everything, but i just can't, because i know i'll regret it, which i guess is kinda part of why i do it but still, like all i want to do is function and feel nice and feel happy and be happy, and just not feel like i need to destroy my life and i just don't know what to do, i'm just lose because i just wish that i knew what to do, like i just feel lost, drifting in life, and i don't know what to do. i just am such a mess even if i don't let it come to the surface because i need to bury it, keep it inside, keep it there so nobody knows how bad i am and abandons me, because if i let out my emotions, they'll be afraid of me and leave my life and i don't know if i could handle that, i really don't think i could, and so i need to keep my emotions under the surface because if i don't, if i don't mask, then my life will be ripped apart, which i guess is fine to have it be ripped apart than live an emotionless life but still, i just don't know what to do because i'm in so much pain and all i want to do is cry my fucking eyes out but i can't, i don't know how, i don't know if i can even handle it if i did or could, and so i'm just-      i'm just stuck, stuck being broken, stuck being hurt, and damaged, and i have no clue what to do or how to fix this. i'm just so upset and hurt.

7-11-2022 - July 11th, 2022 - 18:12

#296 - Fun Stuff

Akasi:

well, i have been given tips on stuff, and it turns out that me telling facts and stuff and being, well, passionate is actually something people like? i kinda thought that people didn't like it from the amount of times i would get shut down and still do get shut down. i guess i'll start trying this and see how it goes lol

7-10-2022 - July 10th, 2022 - 17:12

#295 - I Make Everyone Hate Me

Akasi:

well, i managed to make everyone in the polycule server hate me because i didn't explain that my subconsciously making assumptions of people and shit and imagining what kind of person they are because i find it interesting and it's a past time is an intrusive thought, it's just the least intrusive so i find it fun, and i don't intend to be a bitch or whatever, it's just a stupid fucking thing i do and i don't want people to fucking hate me, like it's why i keep this shit in my mind because nobody fucking understands that if i didn't do this i would not only be hateful but i also would suck because of the autism because i don't understand people and i just do this because social interaction is so fucking hard and because i don't know how to get to know people and it sucks and i keep making everyone hate me because i don't explain shit well or anything and i just keep causing problems and make people hate me and it happens everry fucking time i try to explain this because i haven't found a good way to fucking explain it and it just fucking sucks because i'm so sick of everyone just hating me and i just want people to be interested in how i can understand people and get inside their heads and stuff. i'm just so sick of everyone just hating me. well as i write this i talked with [JFP] and she's calmed me down a bit but still. it just sucks. funny how my emotional episodes can last under a half hour and usually do. wow. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-10-2022 - July 10th, 2022 - 06:55

#294 - Sisters Fight

Sephir:

well, [VGL] and i have been having trouble, and it's like, i know i made a mistake, and i know that it's my fault and i just-    it hurts to see her shutting me out and stuff, and i know that we're not blood siblings, and i know that her blood family were really shit to her, but i want to show her what family really means. it means putting in the work, trying with each other, being there for each other no matter what, loving one another regardless of their flaws, imperfections, or pain, and helping them with said pain, and showing them unconditional love and support, and if they fuck up, giving them chances to show that they still deserve to be called family, and if not, just keep the door unlocked so one day they have a chance to reconcile, because that, that is what family is about, not some stupid blood bonds that are used to manipulate, abuse, or hurt you, or as some fake thing that means nothing when you need help, but "when the family needs you" you're expected to jump right in, no, it's about loving and being considerate of one another, helping each other, and trying your damndest, and i just wish that [VGL] would truly hear me when i say that i fucking love her, and i wish that she would know that i am never going to stop being overprotective of her and caring for her because that's not in my nature, i'm a protector and a persecutor in my system, and those roles extend into my life outside the system, because i am a protector, and i'm not going to just sit by while someone is hurt, and if someone is being a problem with people they care about, i will call them right the fuck out, and i'm not going to just stop caring about [VGL] just because she asks, sure i'll drop things, and i'll give her space and be respectful, but i will NEVER stop caring, even if one day she hates me, i'm never going to stop caring for her, and loving her, because that's what family is about. anyways, she hasn't said she loves me back, so it seems i fucked up worse than i thought, but here's hoping that she reads this entry, and isn't going to just give up on me. i'm gonna end this entry here, but, to [VGL]: I Love You, Forever And Always.

7-10-2022 - July 9th, 2022 - 03:23

#293 - Other Alters

Akasi:

so, Sephir and [VGL] are having issues right now, and i just-     it's like i can feel Sephir's emotions, i can feel her feelings a bit because of emotional bleed, and the stress hormones and shit that the body makes, i feel those when i switch in, like i feel her pain from a second perspective, and it just-   now i understand how Winchester feels when he sees me getting hurt, it's just this need to protect members of your system, this instinct almost, and like, it just hurts oddly, like it just hurts to know and feel Sephir's hurting, and like i want to get involved and tell [VGL] "hey, for what it's worth, she's really hurting knowing she upset you" and like tell her that Sephir really fucking cares, hell, if i'm honest she cares more about [VGL] than i do, and that's saying a lot, but it's just like-     i just want them to be close and stuff, and it hurts to know they they're hurting and stuff, you know? like it's just-     it's so weird having Alters sometimes because i feel the things they feel for the most part, and i know when they're hurting almost always, and it's like-    well they're a part of you, but it's just so weird feeling that now that the other Alters have been finding themselves and building their life and stuff, and we've begun really living, quite simply, functionally multiple, even if it's not by a large extent.

7-9-2022 - July 9th, 2022 - 10:41

#292 - Developing?

Sephir:

well, i looked at our bookshelf and it felt as if our floor was breathing, like i was somehow in something alive. when i opened the door i could imagine a bunch of mangled flesh, like a mass of it and, well, half expected it to be there. i know it wasn't, and i knew it couldn't be real, but i expected to see it. idk if this is me developing some sort of off brand overactive imagination version of schizophrenia, but still, i feel-     weird. like i imagine things, like i can imagine hallucinations, like, i guess hyperphantasia is Alter shared, but it's like i have it, and it feels as if i'm looking through, almost a lens when i do this, like an almost imperceptible lens, but it's there, it feels like it, and i feel like i'm not entirely attached to my surroundings, as if i'm like, floating or maybe just not supposed to be here? i don't know, it's weird. i'm pretty sure Akasi has things feel as if they're changing shape, like if per focuses on the walls during an anxiety attack they feel like they're closing in, but still, i don't think per has ever had this feeling. it's not hallucinations i don't think but still

7-9-2022 - July 9th, 2022 - 09:18

#291 - Food & I Have A Complicated Relationship

Akasi:

so, today i woke up and i got super dizzy, and i actually had to just sit on the floor because i starved myself so much that i couldn't stand, and i had to sit there and well, it took a while but i just finished eating. it sucks because it feels like my body refuses to eat, like i went without food for 30 hours. like i just don't like food. as stupid as it sounds i get repulsed by food, i always have, especially when i eat too much, it has to be something i really love for me to eat it, or i have to be desperate, which even here, 30 hours after my last meal, i didn't want food that bad. it just sucks because i have no idea why i get repulsed by food, like it seriously makes me feel sick and nauseous and like i want to throw up, it just feels icky, then when i'm hungry and eating normally it tastes good, like if i'm being forced to eat something, or forcing myself, i just get repulsed by food, and if i eat too much i get like that all the time, and i feel like shit. it's just weird. and it also sucks because i have no idea WHY this is, like if it's some sort of eating disorder, then maybe i just have a handle on a part, like maybe my body naturally feeling nauseous is telling me i have bulimia, and i just hate throwing up enough that i just stop eating, or maybe it's something else, or maybe it's just a weird thing in my mind that makes me feel repulsed by food most of the time, and i just- i don't like eating and something is broken in my mind that makes me repulsed by food, or maybe it's just because i've eaten only one or two meals a day for YEARS ever since like 3rd grade just because of not wanting to, so my metabolism is too low to need more, or maybe i'm just fucked in the head, or maybe i'm just too unstable and need to starve myself to fulfill my need for chaos that i have because of BPD, i don't know, i just fucking hate this issue because it vexes me.

7-9-2022 - July 9th, 2022 - 00:47

#290 - Patterns

Akasi:

well, things were going great with [JFP], but the other day we had some more special fun (have me play with myself while on call) and while i'm fine and comfy with that and loved it, it's the same pattern that i've seen in almost every other fucking relationship. do something like that, where i'm really vulnerable and stuff and show who i am inside, in my heart and soul - which i did between the call and showing my emotions - and then the person will take a break (not texting a ton yesterday and her taking a day for herself), then they distance from me somehow, which she just did by saying that me calling her "mommy" like i do in every other relationship because it's soft and loving and caring, but also, well *looks at mommy issues* yeah. and so it's just, she said that it lost it's meaning because she hears it so much, and i know that with mistress, the honorific she asked me to use, it's going to get overused anyways, and she'll then hate that, and then where are we? and she brought this up when i said "i love you" and did "*suddenly hugs you*" which was supposed to show that i'm vulnerable and really need or want a hug, and i thought she'd pick up on it because she's good about that, but she just fell right back into this same pattern. speaking of the pattern, the next step with people is usually more distancing, or "oh i have other priorities, but i promise it's not you" or some other excuse thing to get away from me, or maybe throw themself into something else suddenly and make it seem like they're just passionate about something or whatever, i've seen it happen, and during this time they'll give the illusion of making time for me even though it's never more than 15 minutes a day. then they'll come back close again, assumingly trying to reconnect because the person realises that they hurt me, or maybe they want to let me down easy and they'll text me more and give me attention but act cold towards me, trying to get me to distance myself while subtly making it obvious that i'm not welcome through hints, harsh jokes occasionally "saying the wrong thing" when in fact it's trying to hint that they don't like me, and then once that's done and i distance myself we'll stop talking for a while, then whenever we next talk i will explain this pattern to them in depth and then all the person does it blame me for not communicating sooner, when in fact, every time i see this pattern, i tell them right as soon as they do the first bit of taking space before they throw themself into something new (which i have with [JFP]), or they'll just tell me they don't like me, or just show their true feelings and thoughts in some way, and i keep seeing this pattern in EVERYONE that i have ever dated, even fucking [AFA], i saw it with them, even though it was more of a cycle for them because they just-    idk. all i'm waiting for is [JFP] to throw herself into something new, and then once she does that, well, there's no point, and you see, i would assume this is accidental coincidence, but it happens with everyone i date, and a lot of the time with new friends too, although the vulnerability takes the form of something else instead of NSFW calls, it's just the same fucking pattern i see with everyone, and everyone with BPD knows this pattern, and is just used to it because it's what happens to EVERYONE (or at least almost everyone) with BPD, and it just sucks because i seriously thought [JFP] was different, but it's looking like she's just going to go right back into the same pattern that EVERYONE ELSE falls into. it also sucks because i bought a fucking collar for this relationship and have been going so well, but it looks like yet again, i was an idiot, and for my stupidity i get heartbreak. and people wonder why i don't let my guard down easily, all it takes is one of these patterns to prove my point. anyways, i'm gonna leave the collar on until [JFP] either falls more into this pattern or reads this entry and makes me feel like she's not like everyone else. now, to give her credit, she has been doing well otherwise, and her reasons for the behaviours i see have been good and valid, but i keep seeing this pattern, and it's just upsetting. that's honestly about all i'm gonna write because there's nothing to be done once this pattern starts, and it's just the end of things usually, except in the rare cases that the person makes me feel safe and secure, then takes a couple days off to recharge, and then comes back and we take things a bit slower, or more carefully or whatever, which has happened exactly once, with one ex of mine, and her, well, that relationship ended due to her getting into a car accident and a concussion changing her sexuality (yes it can actually fucking happen). i just don't see a way out, but hey, i'm gonna keep trying even if i know there's no point, call it an exercise in futility. i don't know what else to write, so yeah, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

7-8-2022 - July 8th, 2022 - 01:40

#289 - Chances

Akasi:

well, since [GCS] left, i've missed her tbh, and, well, i sent a friend request. i figure i'll give her a chance and some time, and i mean, as long as she's not being hateful, hopefully i'll help her change her mind on that one thing (being LGBTQ+) being a sin. and as i write this entry i think to myself "wow, that sounds like you're trying to convert her and that's the same thing other religions do and is the thing you hate" but i guess i just-         i guess i miss her and want to be friends more than anything, and i want to show her my side and stuff, and let her make a decision for herself. then again, it's stupid because well, the bible can be a hateful piece of shit, same with every religion, which even then, i guess i just-       i don't want to give up on people just for their religion, or cut them out, because that's hateful, but still, idk. i guess i just miss having another close friend and i want her to fill the gap, which even then, that's ignoring it. you know what? just forget it, i'm gonna cancel the friend request. i think i need to stick by my book: admit that i hate people who think being LGBTQ+ is a sin because it's so so very fucked and wrong and stupid to think that, like seriously? how is that-   it makes no sense. i just wish that [GCS] would listen to "You Might Not Like Her" by Maddie Zahm, because damn, it sounds like her, who she could become.

7-7-2022 - July 7th, 2022 - 04:39

#287 - BPD Episode, Edition 1

Akasi:

well, so i tried to sleep all night and have tried for 6 fucking hours but NOPE, we're not sleeping tonight it seems, and so my body has decided to induce the only logical thing: A BPD EPISODE!!!!! so yay, not, in all seriousness this is gonna be a shitshow, so yeah, this will also allow me to start this new series of me cataloguing my BPD episodes, so yeah, enjoy the next few days of chaos, bad decisions, downward spiraling, and god complex to anyone who knows me, and i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

7-7-2022 - July 7th, 2022 - 01:17

#286 - Host?

Sephir:

well, i worry if i'm on track to become host. i don't want it, i don't want that responsibility, i also don't want that front time, now, do i want Akasi to sacrifice control more? hell yeah, let Mxy and i front a lot! we're chill and i know Mxy is good and stuff, and i guess what i'm saying is that i wish that Akasi would lean into per system more, into us, and stop trying to hold on to front as much. especially because per's been struggling lately with everything going on. i just wish that per'd lean into us.

7-6-2022 - July 6th, 2022 - 18:33

#285 - Caring Days

Sephir:

well, [VGL] is good, she's fine and feeling better. i'm still worried, but i'm pretty sure she's fine, so that's a relief. thought i'd update here. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

7-6-2022 - July 6th, 2022 - 06:54

#284 - Sick Siblings

Sephir:

hey, i'm the bitchy Alter who fucked with [AFA] and their system. turns out reassurance and setting boundaries is something they dislike, now, could i have gone about it better? sure, i could have worded it better, but apparently setting a very fair boundary saying i'm going to block them if they hurt us or [VGL], then i'm the bad guy? nah. fuck that. anyways, i am also an introject of [VGL] and her and i have a sister dynamic, we have no clue why i'm an introject of her, but i can take a guess: Akasi fucking luvs her and well, per had to deal with a SHIT ton of life stress around the time i was formed, which is probably exactly why i split off of her, Winchester, and the flirty Alter from our system, [50.52;54;50.51;57]. so yeah, there's my introduction, nice to meet whoever reads this. now then, as you can assume by the title, [VGL] is sick, she's got hit with a cold or some shit, and me being who i am, i am worried it's COVID, but i'm not gonna worry too much because, well, quite frankly, what's the chances of that? low, very low, or at least pretty low, either way, i'm gonna be here for her all day because i fucking love my sister and am an overprotective bitch. she has me, and if she has COVID, then oh ho, you better fucking believe i'm buying a fucking plane ticket to see her, and i'm not leaving her side until she's better, and then i'm staying by her side for another month afterwards because i'm not leaving her side until i am 100% fucking sure she is ok. i think that's all i'll write for now.

7-5-2022 - July 5th, 2022 - 21:55

#283 - Cold Feet

Akasi:

so with [JFP] i keep thinking that like there's something wrong, like i guess i just am terrified if she actually loves me and cars for me as much as i do and care for her, and i guess maybe i just care too much? or maybe i'm just-    idk, it's like i keep worrying if things are going well, if she really means it when she says she loves me, or maybe it's just me freaking out because ia m just so worried about things to go well because i want them to, or maybe it's because i feel like i have so much on the line or maybe because i know how well this can go and everything and i don't want to lose that, or maybe because [JFP] is just so freaking awesome and caring and is amazing and is just such a nice ice to my fire, or maybe i'm just overthinking, or maybe it's just because like she's flirting with [VGL] and stuff and i want them to go well because then it increases my chances of getting back together with [VGL] and making a triad which would be fantastic, but you know, you never know. fuck, speaking of [VGL] i sound like she did in the relationship, like she said i need to make her feel like there's less on the line and like there's less to lose, it's kinda funny. anyways, i' just completely fucking terrified of losing [JFP] because i just really fucking love her and i keep getting scared and wanting to type luv because like, i know i love her, but i just don't know if she loves me, or if she likes me, or, idk, i just-    i'm just a complete and utter mess because i keep overthinking and overworrying and freaking out and i just-    idk. i just am so fucking worried because i really want things to go well, i just-       i guess my thing is like, i want to move fast, like i really want to move fast, like her and i talked about getting a freaking apartment together one day and it's like, i know i just met her, but i already want to meet in real life, and like i just-    i want to like be close and all of this and have a relationship, and all of that, but i just don't know what to do because i really really love her and i want to move faster, but i know we're already moving fast, and i know that it's me getting obsessed because she's so amazing and because of the BPD my emotions are fucking insane and i know that i keep going really far with those things, and i just-     i just fucking love her so goddamn much, i swear, i fucking love her, and i keep freaking out because i don't normally fall for people this fast, let alone ones that flirted with me and started things, and actually initiated, like i mean she's the one that started this and i'm just falling so fucking fast because she's just so amazing and i just-     i guess i'm used to like having to put the work in to make the other person feel secure and stuff and through that it reassures me with like "i'm just as scared as they are" and it's like, that's not what this is, with this it's like we both really fucking love each other and really want each other and want to be close, and it's me that's getting fucking terrified because i guess i'm not used to feelings being this strong on both sides, usually i'm the intense one, the one that's chaotic and stuff, but she's also passionate as well and it's just-     i guess it's scary to me to be loved in return, which i guess that's the issue, i'm scared to be loved, and cared for and i'm just-      i love this girl so fucking much, like so fucking much, and her loving me back and actually being really loved to the intensity i think she feels is absolutely terrifying and is absolutely scaring me shitless. i guess that's really what it is, i'm scared to be loved and cared for truly and genuinely like [JFP] has been doing and showing, and i just don't know how to handle that, like i'm used to being the lonely girl who's sad and has nobody and is fine with not having anybody and doesn't need anyone but perself, and is just totally fine with not being loved by anyone because being truly cared for like [JFP] has been caring for me is just so powerful and nice, and i just-       i don't know the kind of person i would be if i truly had that, and it's scary, hell it's terrifying, like seriously terrifying. i may fuck around with black magic and be fine with dying at any moment from it, but that doesn't scare me, this is absolutely terrifying, absolutely, literally, purely, and utterly terrifying to me, because i don't know how to let myself be loved and i don't know how to be loved and i'm scared to be loved or let myself be loved, because the more i have the more i have to lose, and that terrifies me, like i don't want to slow down or break up but i'm still just so fucking terrified because i really fucking love this girl, and i am just-      fuck. i just don't know how to handle my being cared for and actually having feelings this deep that another person also feels, and it's terrifying. i just really fucking love [JFP] so fucking much, i swear to Asmodeus this girl is just so fucking wonderful, and all i want to do is be close, get close, stay close, love each other and just-    everything, because i just really fucking love this girl. i love her so fucking much, and it scares me so fucking much that i do and that she feels the same.

7-5-2022 - June 5th, 2022 - 21:23

#282 - Suicide & Childhood Memories

Akasi:

so firstly, i realised that the urge to SH isn't really my wanting to, it's like this external thing, and now with [JFP], [VGL], and other people to live for and reasons to live, i actually don't want to die, and so it's nice. also the second half of this entry's title is to denote that i am remembering an old childhood show, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse of all fucking things, i can't believe i remember it. it was one of my favourite shows as a kid. also the GIF that reminded me was Mickey saying that something is a special tool for later, and like, thinking back, things like that and all the little things over my childhood, i can see how they affected me and made me into who i am today. it's true what they say, all it takes is one impressionable mind and who knows what they might do, and like i also understand that i could have turned out, well, evil quite frankly, like i can see that and i can see the capacity i have to be so horrible, but i don't go that far, and it's just-      it's a bit scary to think that if i went down a slightly worse path, i could very well could have become a hateful and horrible person, and it's scary to think i could have, but it's nice to know i didn't. anyways, i'm going to go play some video games and end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, dear reader

7-4-2022 - July 4th, 2022 - 23:49
#281 - The Calm Of Night

Akasi:

well, tonight was a nice ending to a long and fucky and messy day. [JFP] spent a couple hours with me on call, just playing video games, just us. it was awesome. and that was even after a good amount of time on call in server with others. it was nice even if i did get a tad upset at one point, she calmed me so nicely and i just-     i fucking love her and i'm happy to have her in my life, and hey, [AFA] has been leaving me alone, so they know the boundary is there, so it seems i don't need to have any more emotionally taxing interactions with them anymore either. things are at very least leveling out from the chaotic high that today has been, and hey, my collar comes the day after tomorrow, so i'll be able to have that on 24/7 to remind me of Mommy [JFP], which is gonna be great. i'm gonna end this entry here, and i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this

7-4-2022 - July 4th, 2022 - 18:18

#280 - Done

Akasi:

well, the other Alter from [AFA]'s system messaged me and apologised, so i guess i don't need to be afraid of him doing anything, but i still am afraid of him. i'm honestly just done with all of that, all of them in their system. i'm going to end this entry here i think. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

7-4-2022 - July 4th, 2022 - 13:29

#279 - Fighting

Akasi:

well, it turns out that another Alter from my system said some shit to [AFA], and [AFA]'s reaction and their system's reaction was just so extreme, so much so that i'm just done as of now. i've been slowly cutting them out of my life and removing them as a friend in lots of places, but they keep just trying to message and contact me and all of this, and just don't seem to get the memo. like [AFA] i'm sorry, but we're done. i'm done. i think if they try and really fix shit and genuinely feel bad about their actions, and actually acknowledge that they probably have BPD (this can be seen with them trying to manipulate me and with them trying to guilt me with them feeling bad and being in a rough place, trust me, i know how i would get) and actually try and put effort in, i might be ok with friends, but as it stands, with what they said, i'm just done. and i'm pretty sure the other Alter from my system is too given how her and the alter from [AFA]'s system interacted. i'm honestly just done right now because, well, they called me abusive as part of their manipulation, which that? no, that was the last straw. i have BPD and i am so sick of the usual fucking "oh all people with BPD are abusers" like, yeah, we're not, and what the Alter from my system said was literally her trying to be nice, even if it came off in a weird way, it was her trying to be nice. now, am i calling [AFA] abusive? no, i'm calling them manipulative, now if they just try and be a prick or don't try to change, sure, they're abusive. the line between abusive and not for me is as simple as this: are they trying to change and be better, and actually making progress here and there, which it seems like [AFA] is genuinely trying, but this? this was the last straw for me until they start to get better and let me help them and such and help them be better and help them make progress, and try harder than they have. now, if in a few weeks they add me as a friend and say "hey, i made some progress, please give me another chance" and show me the progress they made in getting better, sure, i'm good, i'm happy to be friends as long as they apologise once, nice and long, and make it meaningful, but as it stands i'm just done with them. add in that i also removed [JFP] and told her that if she doesn't interact again i'll assume we're over and broken up, while making it clear i still want to be together, that way she can just leave my life without having to interact, and i also left the polycule server, because, well, i'm pretty sure everyone there hates me and my system, and i'd rather not start or deal with drama. i kinda just cut out a good portion of my life and the people in it. if [JFP] wants to stay together and keep going, and keep me in the server and stuff and all that, i would love that because i still fucking love her, but as it stands, i'm done with [AFA], and if [JFP] also decides she wants to end things with me, well, fine. i understand it, even if i don't want to break up. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here because that's about all i can think to type. hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

7-3-2022 - Jule 3rd, 2022 - 04:31

#278 - I Hate A Lot

Akasi:

well, as the title says, i have a lot of hate. i tried with [GCS], tried to get her to get past the anti-LGBTQ+ scripture bullshit that the bible says and beats into you, but nope, she just didn't want to listen and actually try and work past it, she fell back on scripture, excuses, and the "oh i can still love you even if you're a sinner" which is the usual guilt tripping garbage that those religions typically preach. it's kinda funny how much LaVeyan Satanism has opened my eyes, it's shocking, and i've been enjoying a lot of things that i never did, or could before simply because, well, guilt, when now without it, i'm a hell of a lot happier. i tried with [GCS], i really fucking tried, but this is the second friend now who i have had to let go because she thought me living life was a sin and tried the guilt inducing crap with me. it kinda sucks, but hey, i keep trying, and will continue to try. now, this isn't to say i'm anti christian, i'm not (even though many people would say i'm the antichrist lmfao /hj), in fact i've had a couple christian friends who were and still are FANTASTIC, and so it's really just the issue of saying uncontrollable things are sins, like being gay and such. hell, the whole "gluttony is a sin" sure, i'm fine with it, hold yourself to a higher standard than most, but just because it's a higher standard, DOES NOT mean that it makes you better than me. which even then, the bits and pieces of christianity i'm ok with can just be summed up by this: have codes of honour and expectations for yourself. so at that point is it even a religion? or just a belief/honour system? it's the latter. so yeah. now, does that mean if i knew a christian who was chill i would love to be friends? HELL YES, i gotta say that the christians who abandon the anti-LGBTQ+ scripture are some of the most wonderful people i've interacted with and they're also some of the most loving in general. but to only look at that is like looking at someone through rose tinted glasses, because no religion or belief system is perfect, not even LaVeyan Satanism, it has flaws with being atheistic, but being classified as a religion by technicality, so there's some complexity there that makes it hard to explain to some people. now christianity has a lot of flaws but the main one is being based on guilt. without guilt there's no way for religions like that to work, and another is that the bible is just such a fucking mess. what they should do is instead of translating it, have people learn the language it was first fucking written in and teach the language it's written in to people, or focus their teachings on it's origin language, whichever one that is. it's just a whole fucking mess but those are some main flaws with christianity and my religion. i'm not perfect, nor is LaVeyan Satanism, nor is any religion or one person, but i just have a problem with continually losing friends over these religions just because they believe they have some sort of moral high ground over me, when all they do is follow a book like i do. just because you think yours is the word of god when mine is written by a guy doesn't make yours more valid or better than mine, and just because your ideals you believe are the ideals of god doesn't make you more idealistic than me, and just because you think you share morals with god from this book doesn't make you more moral than me, and just because you have this set of rules to follow that you think entitles you to the realm of god doesn't make your set of rules any better than mine, and at the end of the day it's about what rules you like the best, like are you going to play a game with friends that has rules you don't like? no, of course not, if you don't like the rules of a board game, then change them, make your own rules, or copy them from someone else and follow theirs, the same can be said with religion, like you think that yours is the word of god, i know mine was written by Anton Szandor LaVey, and i follow this different set of ideals and rules because i like them, i align with them, but i don't think i'm better than someone because of that, and i even have a literal god complex because of my BPD, and i still manage to not think i'm better than people. now, some people who act like a prick and try to hurt people or cause harm without caring or on purpose, sure, i think they're abrasive pricks and less than me, but only if they're always like that, like if they're a prick 10% of the time, sure, that's fine. if they're a prick 50% of the time? ehh, they're not the best, but they're whatever, only when it goes past 50% is when i say they're less than me or anyone else, because then overall they're more prick than not, and that right there, the sum of their life, if they were overall good or not over the sum of their life, that's really all that matters to me and what affects my opinion of someone the most, and while it is based on my rules of "do you cause harm on purpose or without caring" or on the other side of the coin the good one "do you just avoid trying to cause harm or try and be good", which causing harm or whatever, being good, avoiding causing harm, all that is subjective, so in the end, my opinion of someone is based on their opinion of themselves, but there's some people's opinions - like ones i deem hateful - that i don't care about once they give them. i'll hear them, but whether i care past that is my own choice, just like caring about my words and opinions here is the reader's choice, and if i don't care for someone's opinion, i try and show them the flaws with it, or what i perceive to be flaws with it, and if they don't care for my opinion of how their opinion is flawed, then whatever, the friendship ends or we just avoid the subject. simple as that, but i don't try and change their opinion or guilt them. will i make examples and analogise? yes, like with [GCS], i said that her saying that being trans is a sin is bad because gender dysphoria, the thing that makes me want to transition, it makes me suicidal, so saying that doing that is a sin, it's saying that it's a sin to not feel suicidal by extension and technicality, which i explained to her, now, does it try and guilt trip her? it may have that effect, but it's pointing out the extended meanings, which is my intent for it, and i do make that clear that it's by extension, and make it clear that it's just my opinion of why it's bad, but again, she could have not cared about my opinion, and said "oh, well that's by extension, that's not the intended christian meaning, the intended meaning is just don't change yourself to exist outside of god's image" which is the intended meaning, and that is correct, but if god created all, then he would have designed man's mind, and the mind is what makes someone feel transgender, so it would then be within god's design to be trans, or, if we're getting literal: trans people are designed to be sinners to act as the scapegoat people for examples and shit, along with other LGBTQ+ people, which just shows how fucked god is, but from that standpoint (this is the god complex showing here) you do need people to be used as a red canvas to hang up and show off to your followers so they know who to hate and look down upon, which will make them more loyal. now, god complex aside, it's really just a huge mess, which, back to my original point, the extended meanings of things can be such a problem, it's why i worry about them when i talk, and why i talk weird, because i worry about limiting and eliminating extended meanings of my words, so people can read in and see only the meanings i intend, which if we're to do that with the "man should strive to keep himself within god's image" then it should be worded "god should strive to be the best version of him/herself, as the best version of oneself is a true mirror of god" which that would be far less problematic, but nope, that's not how it's written, which it's almost as if it was written to be purposefully flawed, hmm, maybe man wrote the book? or maybe god made it that way to test his followers to see if they will take away his true and hidden meanings. hmmm, food for thought you christians. it's just a whole mess as i've said, but again, at the end of the day, this is my opinions, and it's food for thought. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm just pointing out possibilities for better wordings, and showing my opinions, which again, YOU CHOOSE IF YOU CARE. honestly i wish i could share these opinions with a larger audience, because i think i could make a lot of people think a little more, even if they end up disliking and ignoring my opinion, but oh well, for now my opinions will remain on the down low, hidden away on this little diary of mine, which i'm fine with. anyways, i'm done with this stuff, and i just wish that friendships would stop ending over religion, but it is what it is, not everyone wants to question themselves and their beliefs, and compare and contrast their beliefs with those of others, and to really dive deep, some people just wanna follow, well, faithfully, without question or with minimal questioning. i just know that's not for me, in true scripture-loving fashion, i'll end with a quote from the Satanist Bible, by Anton Szandor LaVey, a man. (FIRE) The Book Of Satan THE INFERNAL DIATRIBE; Section II, Quote 2, Overall Page 31: "I question all things. as i stand before the festering and varnished facades of your haughtiest moral dogmas, I write thereon in letters of blazing scorn: Lo and behold; all this is fraud". questioning everything is a good way to check yourself and make sure you aren't causing harm, and make sure you align with your morals and ideals, whatever they may be, just know that they don't make you more than someone who follows their own morals and ideals, and some people may think your morals and ideals are fraud for whatever reason they may have, perhaps because they're an old set of ideals, or ones that are outdated, or some other thing, just know that's their opinion, and you can either try and meet them on a middle ground and make a connection through it, or use it to widen the gap between you and those they are connected with, the choice is yours, and me? i'll try and make bridges with middle grounds until the day that the person keeps trying to bring the bridge down, like i did with [GCS]. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

7-1-2022 - July 1st, 2022 - 22:44

#277

Akasi:

well, i've been thinking lately, and i don't exactly have the words. i feel like i've been changing my behaviour, and, well, not only do i feel bad for misbalancing my time to handle the poly stuff and not handle my friends and take care of them like i do, but i've been changing my habits to more follow LaVeyan Satanism, and people keep trying to make me feel like the asshole, and it just-     it just hurts, and like, then it makes me feel guilty which i know is what they're trying to do, but then there's some people who make me feel like the asshole until i realise what i did wrong, like another Alter from [AFA]'s system, and so it's just-       i'm so conflicted. and as i type this entry, a memory popped into my head. i had this shirt that said "X-treme speed" with a picture of a motocross person, and it was in middle school and i got teased for it, and so i just got upset, and i remember later, i had my grandmother turn it into a pillow, and so i thought about "huh, i guess that was a sort of destroying it to make it not upset me" and so, idk, that maybe indicates why i have BPD i guess? idk. and then there's also times like when my school (same one, couple grades earlier) stopped letting me take two cheese sticks for breakfast, and made me take one and a cereal, which i didn't want, and because my parents used the "oh there's starving kids in africa" excuse once, maybe twice with me when i didn't finish my food, i just didn't take breakfast as oppose to taking the cereal and then would starve myself to lunch, and then do the same for years to come, and eventually i started skipping lunch too, and so that explains why now i starve myself sometimes because, well, i want to, and i got it into my mind that i can and that it's ok to do that, and there's just so many other little things throughout my childhood that sometimes will pop back into my head and i think "huh, so that's one reason i have this disorder or this behavior" and it's like-      idk, it's like none of my disorders are my fault, not at all, and it's interesting to look back, and see like "oh that's why i have that" and then it's interesting because younger than, maybe 3rd grade? i have no memory other than 3 from my kindergarten/daycare place. which i mean that makes sense given that i never particularly loved that place, like one of those 3 memories was not wanting to be dropped off there in the morning, which i mean i guess maybe that's because there was someone there that abused me? or i don't know, whatever it is, anyways, the other two memories are one when i hit a kid in the nose with a big one of the building block things (which made me get banned from using them even though it was an entire accident), and then there was one where it was show and tell day where i brought this stupid little red car, and i remember my dad picking me up, and that's it. it's just like-   idk. it's just so weird how like, i have so few memories, and like i get i was young, but it's like, why those specific ones?  guess that's one thing that bugs me in life is that like, i don't remember anything else except a 4th memory that i just remembered: i was running in the playground area and feel and scraped my knee a bit because i had a blister and was walking weird (that was the day i learned to DESPISE holes in my socks), and so i just remember the staff not really caring i guess? idk, i don't remember much after, which, i mean i guess-     i guess maybe that could have been another Alter switching in? idk, it's just all so weird, and like past that, i don't remember anything from my childhood. my mom says that at one point i banged my lip and had to get stitches, but i don't remember that, like if i think really hard, i can imagine it, but i know it's not the memory itself, like i figured out that i actually have hyperphantasia, which means my imagination is insanely vivid, and so i can imagine things, but i know the difference between memories and imagination luckily, but it's just so weird because, i mean i guess that could have caused me to get DID, and i remember one time as a kid i had to get my shots, and i had a fucking fit, and i lost it and i had to get held down and my dad was so pissed that day, which that day i would qualify that as trauma, but i was really young back then, but i don't think young enough for it to have caused DID, but it could definitely contributed, idk, i guess it's just weird to look back at my life and realise i only remember bad stuff, and realise there's years of gaps, literally years in almost all of my memories prior to third grade, and even after, the only times i don't have gaps for years at a time are high school and my second school (7th grade through first half of 9th grade), and 6th grade, then before that memory from 6th, i have one in 5th grade, the one with the shirt and the one from turning it into a pillow in third grade, then before that is the daycare memories from - i think - around the same time, but then before that, i think right before that daycare was the shots/vaccination memory, and before that, i have a few from when i was a kid, but it's like they're separate, like i can't pinpoint them along a timeline if you asked me, not without overthinking about it, but it's just-    it just is weird to have my memories be so sporadic and just-     almost as if they're out of place, like, the other memories of a few choice moments it feels like they're not supposed to be there, not like i've imagined them but as if they're not right, like if my puzzle is missing pieces, but these pieces are a different size, and have different colours than my puzzle. it's weird, and if i'm honest i don't feel like i should go any further until i'm in therapy to have my therapist there, but still, it's just-     i don't know. it's just weird, which i mean i guess it's because i have DID but still, idk. anyways, aside from all that, i guess i just feel like i'm not balancing my life well, like i'm hyperfixating on this girl, [JFP], and it's like idk, she makes me feel really special, and idk, it's just-     idk, i guess she's just making me feel so special because she initiated, she said she likes me first, she started things, now she hasn't told me that she loves me but is waiting, which i mean i guess it could go south and she doesn't really care for me, or it's another situation like with [VGL] where she was too terrified of commitment for us to work out, or maybe it's because i've just been-     idk. it's just so weird because she makes me feel so special, like she makes me feel like i am truly special to her, like she'll randomly message me asking how i am and call me Kitten, which is just so fucking adorable and hot, and it's like-     i guess i've been giving her more attention because nobody does that for me, nobody makes me feel special like that, and i know that [AFA] cares, but they never randomly message, not when i'm distracted, or like, make a big deal of things, i guess it's because they're not as sappy and stuff, idk, but then they're more predictable, i guess, like they're more-     how do i put this....           they're more like a big rock, someone to anchor to, whereas [JFP] is more a rushing river that keeps shoving me upwards and making me feel special and-       i just realised what it is. i put people on a pedestal all the time because of BPD and what makes my heart sing is because [JFP] makes me feel like i am on a pedestal! whereas [AFA] just makes me feel loved and cared for, which the distinction isn't bad, but it's interesting to note. i mean it makes sense why i look for a specific type of person, the type of person to put me on a pedestal who i can also put on a pedestal, or, well, i mean i put [JFP] on a pedestal in my mind but with her it's easy because like, idk, it's just like she puts me on a pedestal, and so that makes it easier to put her on a pedestal, which that's not to say [AFA] isn't on one in my mind, it's just that it's a bit more effort with them because they don't put me on a pedestal. i know there's a difference between them but goddamnit i just love them both!! like i love them both so goddamn much, and i'm honestly crying right now because i love them both so much, and it's just-     it's just so goddamn nice to have that, to have them, to love them, you know? like they're both so amazing, and i just-     i fucking love them so goddamn much. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here because i have no idea what else to write. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

6-30-2022 - June 30th, 2022 - 21:42

#276 - Running Numbers

Akasi:

well, this entry will take us back to Entry #156, when i tried to end it all. today me and [AFA] (who's the person i felt bad about hurting leading to that entry, and the person i am back together with now) decided to run the numbers of everything i took, and it turns out that i was just under the "nearly guaranteed lethal" dose, which, that paired with my promise to [AFA] and [VGL], it's kinda got me scared a bit that i came that close. it's kinda scary. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here.

6-29-2022 - June 29th, 2022 - 19:44

#275 - On Edge

Akasi:

I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING OF BEING ON EDGE, like it's like things are going fantastic in my life, and i'm just waiting for it to fall apart, and it's just so irritating!!!!! like can i not just manage to fucking enjoy life, to not feel like everything is about to come crashing down, like i'm just ready to fucking go off the edge any second? like i just want to be able to fucking function without feeling like my life is about to end!!!?? this feeling is like i'm just on the edge of this precipice in the middle of nowhere, and i feel like someone's behind me and is about to shove me in, and i'm about to die, except it's post apocalypse and i'm the last living thing on the planet aside from animals and wildlife, which there's none of around. it's such a bitch to have BPD, i hate it sometimes.

6-28-2022 - June 28th, 2022 - 21:13

#274 - Insecurities

Akasi:

so as you know i joined this poly server thing, and i have been on call literally almost all day, and now, suddenly in the evening, [AFA] comes back, and they get overwhelmed when i am singing, and that and just-       it made me start comparing myself to others in server, and so far everyone is hotter, funnier, smarter, or in general just better than me, and so i just-       i feel so insecure, like how could [AFA] love me? you know? it just makes me feel bad. like i bring nothing to a relationship other than annoying obsession, and stupid amounts of memes and shit that i didn't even make, like i just feel like i am worthless in a relationship. it just hurts because i don't have the confidence like some of these people have, and i'm not transitioned yet, and it's like it's not even jealousy it's just this inescapable feeling of not being enough for anyone. i don't know why i even feel like this either, like i always struggle, and have a hard time with this, but today when i care about the people so much and stuff like that it just hits harder because i want to be a part of this, but i just feel so worthless, and then my BPD just kicks in and screams in my head "ruin your life!!! DO IT! RUIN IT!" and it just makes me want to do something stupid and chaotic or say something offensive and just ruin every ounce of good that i've gotten and it just fucking hurts and makes me feel like i am just as worthless as people keep talling me i am and i keep telling myself that i am, and it just makes me hurt so much because i know that i will never be as good as the other people here, or even half as good, and that's just looking at the good sides of people, my flaws make me worthless or more trouble than i am worth, and it just hurts because i know how worthless i am, and even though people say they love me they don't-     idk, it just doesn't feel real because i keep getting told i am worthless, and i keep feeling like i am worthless and i just hate myself.....             i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one i guess.....

6-28-2022 - June 28th, 2022 - 16:42

#273 - New People

Akasi:

well there's this girl from the polycule server that i joined with [AFA], and this girl, who we'll call [JFP], she has been like, flirting all day and just straight up fucking romancing me and stuff and i just-       fuck she keeps fucking getting me! she's just so nice, and she's nice and now i may actually get a second partner in the near future, on top of [AFA] finally getting back together with me, so yeah, life is going fantastic and will probably only go better in the near future, so yeah, i'm gonna go keep crying tears of joy now, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-28-2022 - June 28th, 2022 - 12:34

#272 - Polyamory Is Wonderful

Akasi:

OK SO I AM EXCITED RIGHT NOW. [AFA], the one who i have been trying to get back together with for MONTHS finally, finally said THEY LOVE ME, and like, i'm just, i'm so fucking happy today, even if i am being a bit cringe i'm still just incredibly happy. but hey, i don't think they'll get cold feet and run away, but it's not impossible, so yeah, i am a bit worried about that but fucking hell i love them so fucking much. like i'm crying as i write this entry because i don't know how to express myself other than to cry. fuck i'm such a mess, like to the point that i don't even know what to do because i just-      i love [AFA] so fucking much, and i'm so happy to finally get to love them <3. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one

6-27-2022 - June 27th, 2022 - 21:34

#271 - Gambling

Akasi:

well, the gambling i am talking about is not casino shit, it's gambling friendships. i've got two on the line right now, one is [VGL]'s, and another is with a newer friend, who we will call [GCS], and well, i gambled our friendship to show that she's not afraid of me, and who i sent a friend request to as i write this because, well, yeah. i really don't want to lose her. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, also, sorry for no entries for a while, i've been, well, neglecting to write one

6-24-2022 - June 24th, 2022 - 19:18

#270 - Unfairness

Akasi:

so [VGL] and another Alter, a new one, they spoke, and so it was a bit of a mess, and [VGL], she just-      i just got reminded that she doesn't care about me how she used to, again, and also that i don't deserve her, especially when all i want is her love. and i know all of this is unfair, and i know that being greedy and wanting her, and to be allowed to love her is what i should do with LaVeyan Satanism, i also know i've hurt her too much for it to be fair, and so since my life has been a mess (as you know) i just want to destroy it further and remove [VGL] as a friend and just go MIA until i get my shit together. i don't even fucking know. i know what i want, i know my ideal dream would be to date [VGL] and [AFA] and have a cool little triad going and have all of that awesomeness and love and kindness, but then i know they both hate me and that it would never work, and i know that keeping them as friends just hurts me and causes me problems in the long run and i just don't know what to do and i just wish they'd say they fucking love me!!!!!!!!! i just wish they'd love me and date me and allow me to love them back because i fucking love them both and i keep saying luv because i need to respect their boundaries but satan fucking damnit i want to love them!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO FUCKING LOVE THEM SO FUCKING BAD. like seriously!!!!!!!! that's all i fucking want. and even then, even if we did date, i don't know if it would work, and i just-     it just fucking hurts. i'm gonna end this entry here, think, etc. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-23-2022 - June 23rd, 2022 - 16:20

#269 - Damage Control

Akasi:

well, [VGL] told me about [TAL] saying she gives me credit, and also saying to not message me or anything, and that she can tell people her side, which, i will bet you, does not include any screenshots, or ones that are framed. it's kinda funny how hard she's trying to prove that she's right, and i'm just sitting here past the point of caring and enjoying watching it burn lmfao. sorry [TAL], but you're in the wrong, you tried guilt tripping me which is a form of manipulation, and you made things seem like you were leaving for good, and now when i just want you to prove you can be stable for a while, you're just trying to grab server back ASAP. honestly it's humorous how people act sometimes when they know they're wrong. like girl, come on. honestly i'm done with this, i'm gonna just say i don't want to address it further. [TAL] can handle her own shit, and when things fall apart, well, i'm past the point of caring. anyways, i'm gonna leave this here and not feed the fires. y'all who read this can make your own decisions, if i'm honest? i don't give a fuck. i'm done. not until [TAL] apologises or something, even then, i'm done. i'm not gonna join back, at very least not for a while. just fuck the drama, i believe i'm right, and i was happy to compromise, but left to avoid confrontation and the bullshit of arguing and semantics. i'm not gonna feed into that. watching it burn is nice, but i'm not gonna feed the flames. now, before you call me a hypocrite, this diary is my vent space, separated from the server at least a bit, and people know that it's where i post my feelings, so they know to just leave it be if they don't wanna hear my opinions, and if they read it? too bad for them. i'm done. i'm not gonna address the issue further, and to anyone reading: just please kindly quit it and leave me alone and out of this. i'm past the point of caring to even watch it burn, my points have been made, people have been talked to, and i'm done getting involved. i'm gonna end this entry, and hopefully also this issue because hopefully, people will leave me alone, but if they don't i'm gonna keep venting, because this is my space.

6-23-2022 - June 23rd, 2022 - 13:37

#268 - Learning Who Deserves Chances

Akasi:

well, as you can tell, someone was a prick to me. [TAL] decided to make me think she died yesterday, or at very least that she was not okay, then comes back today and tries guilt tripping me into giving her server back (which she gave to me a bit ago because it seemed like she was going to be done with social media), and so i'm just done with her. she can come crawling back, but i'm not giving her another chance until she fucking shows she deserves it. she wants another chance? she can admit to everything she did to manipulate me, and all of that, even though i sent screenshots of it. like i get that she was in a rough situation, but [TAL], come on, you're in an abusive situation and have no business running a server until you're out of that. as horrible as it sounds, it's unstable, and not good. i left and took [AFA], and [VGL] with me. i'm done with [TAL] and her server, and the funny thing? it took me hours to set up roles and such. now? nobody cares or thinks i put in work, same with the bots, i put in hours of work fucking with them, setting them up, getting them to work, implementing safety systems, all of that, and NOPE, nobody cares now that [TAL] is back, nobody cares. i just said fuck it and left server after giving it back to [TAL], when she deletes it because she's unstable, they'll realize i'm right, or she'll ask me to come back, at which point i want her to admit to all the staff that she manipulated me, how she did, and acknowledge that and apologise, open in staff chat, and if she wants me doing jack shit for server work ever again, from roles to anything, i want her making an announcement of my contributions. that's final, and i'm not coming back with anything less, hell no. i'm gonna take a hard line stance on this, just like i will be ending this entry here, and making things clear to anyone from server who knows me and who i am behind these words: [TAL], server owner manipulated me into returning it, and i have screenshots, just DM me, i can hand them off, and she framed it to give me that impression, but leave room to manipulate me back for it later if she wanted by saying differently in server, and is using her BPD splitting as an excuse. you make decisions during splitting, you need to deal with consequences, and you know the fucky thing? i wanted to give server back, i just wanted to see that she could be stable at very least, but nope, wasn't ok with that. anyways, fuck that. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-21-2022 - June 21st, 2022 - 05:32

#267 - Call Outs From A Fucking Book

Akasi:

as you can tell by the entry title i am FUCKING HEATED. this book, the Satanist Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey keeps mercilessly calling me out for the fact that i align with literally EVERYTHING so far, and have already done things that fall in line with Laveyan Satanism for YEARS. it's weird when you have a strong sense of self, and know who you are, what you're supposed to be, your role in life, and all of that, and feeling very unique and singular and really just yourself, then just get FUCKING CALLED OUT by a book that is LITERALLY, DECADES OLD, it's a weird feeling, and it's crazy.

6-20-2022 - June 20th, 2022 - 16:37

#266 - Satanism & Ice Cream

Akasi:

well the title is a really fucking interesting one. my friend [VGL] has always been a heavy Satanist, and you know the fuck what? i decided to get a Satanist Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey today from the bookstore just for her because, well, why not lol. it's not a gift, it's for me to read, and it's kinda shocking how amazing this book is and just HOW INSANELY MUCH IT KEEPS CALLING ME OUT AND HOW MUCH IT JUST PERFECTLY FITS MY IDEALS SO FAR. it's honestly just making me go "wow, goddamn! HOLY SHIT" like every page, because it just keeps slapping me over and over with more stuff i agree with, relate to, and in general like. it's honestly great. now, as for the second half, my grandma picked me up from the bookstore and we went to get ice cream after. there's this little ice cream shop that has THE MOST GODLIKE COCONUT ICE CREAM, and i fucking love it. anyways, that's been my day. also!!!!!! [VGL], OH MY GOD, she gave me the best compliment "talking to you makes time fly" like oh my god, i'm used to people saying i'm draining, or saying "our conversations always feel so drawn out" or whatever, but not that talking to me makes time fly. as someone with BPD, it's the singular best compliment i have ever gotten. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry. i hope to see you in the next one

6-18-2022 - June 18th, 2022 - 21:08

#265 - Worry & Other Things

Akasi:

well, lately, i have been feeling worried because of my friends and stuff, the vision from my last entry, all that stuff, and it's-   idk. i just have a lot going on. i'm gonna end this entry here i gues

6-18-2022 - June 18th, 2022 - 02:48

#264 - Visions, Edition 1

Akasi:

----------

my dad is standing there, in a checkered pattern shirt, he turns around, and is shot, i see the shooter, all black, hood, mask, maybe brown eyes, holding a rifle or smg of some sort, and he shoots my dad

----------

well, i got that vision the other day and i've had a headache since, and i don't know what to do. i seriously think he's going to die, and with my dreams and visions and just-     i feel like someone close to me is about to die, and i don't know who or what, but i feel like it's one of my immediate family, and it's terrifying.

6-17-2022 - June 17th, 2022 - 06:09

#263 - Harsh Awakenings

Akasi:

well, i was a bitch to [AFA] this morning in an unrelated issue from yesterday, which, regarding that: we talked about it and we're ok now, they split and i almost did and we had a bit of a discussion. regarding this mistake, today, well, i've been feeling self destructive lately, and like i want to cause chaos, and i just have been seriously stable lately and it's been kinda scary, it's like i don't like stability when i'm happy, like when i'm happy, and ok mentally, chaos is my life, and i love it, i just ride the waves of chaos, and it's nice, it's like that saying "those who grew up with the house on fire, are surprised when the world isn't burning" or "to people who grew up in chaos, peace is boredom". those are me. i'm just used to instability and my ability to live in it is a special skill, and it's tbh my normal, and while it may mean that i can handle having multiple suicidal friends and almost none that aren't, it also means that when things are calm, everyone is stable, and all is well, i just want chaos, it's like this innate craving that BPD gives me and i hate it. i also was rudely reminded of something: the reason i stay miserable and sad is so that my emotional changes give me that sense of chaos, it's why i say i need a partner that can cause my emotions to go up and down and play with them a little bit, to help me feel that chaos, it's like, i don't ever feel at home anywhere, like "Home" doesn't exist for me, but wherever there's chaos, i am just fine, and i exist within that completely fine, like my home is in the eye of a storm of chaos, wherever that is, it's not a specific place, or time, or with a person or object, it's just-    in a storm of chaos. i just wish i knew a way to satiate this NEED for chaos, but i can't. i don't know how. it just sucks. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-16-2022 - June 16th, 2022 - 16:29

#262 - Just Like Always

Akasi:

well, i got an email about joining the military/air force, and i wanted to get in but, oh look: [AFA] decided to just bash me and say "you're not getting in" and shit when i just wanted their fucking support, and it's always the same, it's always "you're too this" "you're too that" "you're not enough of this" for fucking anyone to ever have faith in me. people don't understand that i just want people to have faith in me because fucking nobody does. and then they talk about black and white world view and shit because of the BPD (further bashing me) when their opinion on this has been black and white since i first brought it up. i just want them to fucking tell me "try, put in effort, i'll be here to help you, and if it goes badly, i'll be here to help you get back on your feet". that's what i need, someone to be a foundation for me, not just tell me to not do something. i don't care if i fail because even if i do, at least i fucking tried. at least i gave it a damn shot. it's like fucking nobody understands that i just want someone to fucking care for me and have faith in me. and as i write this, [AFA] told me they lost someone (friend of their GF) who killed themselves in the military with their service weapon. and you know the fucked thing? the job i'd be taking would be with fucking computers. i'd have firearm training and shit, and basic, but past that it'd be computers. and the fact they think that i'm going to be like that. it hurts. i just fucking want [AFA] to support and love me, and i'm already settling for luv, but i just wish they would give me support, at the very least, or idk, find something else that i can do, show me another career path that i would want or like, like show me you give a shit, like if you're gonna try and talk me out of the job i've been looking at for years, at least talk me into another, similar job instead, instead of just telling me "nope, not happening". like give me a list of jobs in the area that i could apply for. something. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

6-15-2022 - June 15th, 2022 - 15:10

#261 - Dreams, Edition 3

Akasi:

----------

i'm walking through my grandma's house and i walk into one of her rooms, and i remember finding this secret door behind the couch in her living room, it went to an elevator that took me down into this deep underground complex, like the Obersvatory from Assassin's Creed 4 Black Flag, and i start walking around, walking through, somehow knowing that i am going to find someone there, and i walk through this big underground complex, and i get to this place that's like a living area, and i see a bedroom off to the side, and i go in, and i have a knife that i take out and i kill the person in bed, but i hesitate because it's my grandma, but i slit her throat, and i back away, scared, and then i cut her wrists because she doesn't die, and she wakes up and sees my face, and so i talk to her and we talk and come to this agreement thing of what she's going to tell the cops, and so she tells them, and i get off with no charges, and the dream ends with her being taken away in an ambulance

----------

that dream fucked me up, and also, i woke up to a new Alter in our system, which sucks. i don't know if it was the covid booster that i got the other day, or if it was watching the needle, or whatever, but i just have been so upset from that dream, and it sucks. honestly i don't even know what else to write, so i'm going to end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this

6-13-2022 - June 13th, 2022 - 10:44

#260 - People, I Swear

Akasi:

well, turns out that [TAL] is just too emotionally fragile and insecure to handle real relationships, serious ones, and stuff. it sucks because she's unwilling to see my side of things, and back off on the vent. honestly i'm really quite ready to leave server because honestly, fuck this. i'm not gonna be staff in a server where the owner is this emotionally fragile that she's unwilling to listen to her literal admins, like she's gotta understand that relationships get messy, and dating is going to happen, and keeping relationships out of server is just-     it's excessive. if people from server break up, tell them to block each other and ignore. simple as that. if someone can't handle that or has a problem, well then they need to deal with it, and if they don't respect it, they get a warning for pushing boundaries. have clear, concise, and firm moderation is better than just completely disallowing this stuff, and i can tell that [TAL] is trying to take a hardline stance on this, and it fucking sucks. i may very well just up and fucking leave. if [TAL] is willing to hear me out, and let me set up a nice and clear protocol regarding dating, good, i'll stay, but if she tries disallowing it, and all discussion of it? no. i'm done.

6-13-2022 - June 13th, 2022 - 10:33

#259 - Trying

Akasi:

well, i asked [TAL] what she thought, why she said what she said, all that, and kinda just asked what the hell is going on, and in general, get an idea of why she said what she said, and this also gives her room to tell me i misunderstood, but i just don't want to deal with this stuff, let's see how this goes.

6-13-2022 - June 13th, 2022 - 10:09

#258 - Fucking Protocol

Akasi:

right after i wrote my last entry, apparently [TAL] has decided that apparently relationships should be kept out of server to prevent people leaving, even when that's not going to do shit. so i deleted the message saying i'm happy about the compliment. it's not my fault that shit happens. i want to be happy, and make happy vents (which is where i posted the fucking thing). it's annoying and i'm pissed because, well, if i can't make a happy vent about someone making me happy in server when it's the only thing that gives me will to live, what's the fucking point? honestly as small as this may seem it hints at another larger issue, [TAL] not being a good owner and it pisses me off because for a while now she's been upset, so i know i can't do shit, but i also know how things have been with her. honestly i may very well just fucking leave server because this is kinda unacceptable, especially when it's done in a passive aggressive manner. and it's not even like it's my damn fault, shit happens, if you want relationships to be all clean and not have fights, arguments, conflict, etc, that's not gonna happen, and you're not accepting the pain here and there that really makes the hard moments be worth it, then you're not fucking living, and don't know how to be in a relationship, like her current BF seems like a bit of a prick, and i wish [TAL] would drop him, but i know i can't suggest it or do shit, and i wish that i could help [TAL] but all i can do is just ignore and deal with these tiny little microaggressions and problems that she wants to give, but i figure i'll vent it here too so maybe if she reads this she'll realise what she's doing and quit it. i tried making a joke about it in staff chat to lightly call her out, but i'm just-     there's no way i can handle this without it jarring her mental stability, and so i'm stuck in a corner between the wall of trying to be a good person, and the problem of [TAL]'s behaviour. honestly this may just be about the last damn straw, because moderating vents, that's-     no. that's not ok, especially not in a mental health server. add in the fact that [TAL]'s body (not the Alter that usually front's mental age) is 17, just shy of 18 and keeps posting in NSFW chats, sending photos in bathing suits and shit, which is bordering on CP (the line seems pretty thin here because of suggestiveness), which is something i'm not gonna get fucking banned for, and keeps making me uncomfortable when i see that stuff (it's not even in spoilers). honestly i have no clue what to do and i acknowledge i may be overreacting, but i was willing to ignore it (not like she's posting shit with no clothes, just suggestive shit, as i said), it's just like she's pressing lines that should NOT be crossed. moderating vents, controlling who talks about what, posting suggestive stuff (if she were 18 or it were spoilered where i can just ignore it, i wouldn't exactly mind, but still, wouldn't be all that comfy). i'm willing to ignore stuff because i know i have a tendency to overreact with some things, but still, i just feel like this is nearing my "turn a blind eye" limit. i'm gonna try talking to her in DMs, see if i can fix shit. hope to see you in my next entry

 6-13-2022 - June 13th, 2022 - 09:57

#257 - System Dating

Akasi:

y'know what? I LOVE system dating, because this is nice, especially when they switch, because i get a behind the scenes look because other Alters will sometimes tell you things that the Alter you usually talk to wouldn't tell you, like entries in their system diary, which is where this entry comes into play. another alter from [KES]'s system told me that [KES] said "if Akasi's love is a drug, i'm an addict fiending for more" and HOLY SHIT, I LOVE IT, i am gonna be riding that compliment for a week and i love it. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-12-2022 - June 12th, 2022 - 18:31

#256 - New Girlfriend

Akasi:

well, i have a new girlfriend : ) her name is [KES] and i love her to bits. we've been together for a while but i figured i'd wait until we got a bit closer before adding her here and writing about her. she's sweet, and nice, and i love her so fucking much. this is why i'm polyamorous, because i keep falling in love with so many people, and feeling that usual spark that everyone talks about, and i just feel so strongly for people, and gah! [KES] is just too amazing. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, and i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-11-2022 - 21:25

#255

Akasi:

i don't even know what to write. i guess i'm just gonna sit here and see what comes to mind. i'm listening to "Bad At Love" by Halsey right now, and it's an amazing song, and i love it, and it reminds me just how many times i've fucked up. i think i might go play Beat Saber again or something because i'm having a rough time, that game always helps me for some reason, i suppose it's because i'm moving but also listening to music. idk. anyways, idk, i'm just in a rough mood. i might go on a bounty hit in Immortal life too, but either way, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-10-2022 - June 10th, 2022 - 23:22

#254 - I Feel So Much

Akasi:

so today, Winchester broke up with his boyfriend, and i feel his pain because like i know that he's a totally separate Alter, he and i are still connected in a way and it still hurts, and i still feel responsible for his boyfriend leaving and stuff and going and it just hurts. i don't like seeing the aftermath, the pain, and the effects of what the other Alters do and say, it just hurts. i'm in a nonverbal episode, which sucks, and so i'm just completely unable to talk, which sucks. i'm gonna go play video games or something and try to distract myself. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-10-2022 - June 10th, 2022 - 05:08

#253 - BPD Emotions Are A Hellscape

Akasi:

so [AFA], as you know if you read my earlier entries, you know that i love them, and loved them and was with them for a time, and that i have been friends with them for a time, and, well, i haven't let go of that. i've been so attached to them, even to the point that we have a hell of a mental link, like the other day when they had a headache, i had one too, i never told them because a mental link is an Immortal thing that represents immense caring, and the past while i have been just avoiding talking to them, trying to bury my feelings and trying to keep them under control because when i let them out i say stuff that comes off pressuring because i feel so fucking strongly for people, which that's the other side of the coin with BPD emotions, is while i have enough rage, hate, spite, and malice to take on a wrathful god even without a god complex high, i also feel other emotions to insane intensities, like love, and i just lose my shit when i love someone and all i want to do is make them happy, and with [AFA] it's been no different, along with this girl i'm dating as well (polyamory privileges) and it's just been so fucking intense for me because i have so many fucking emotions that i can't NOT feel, and they're always so fucking intense and it's like-      the longer i have them the more intense they get and it's just so strong, like i am fucking sobbing right now because i love [AFA] and the other girl so fucking much and i don't know how else to express that other than to cry, and i just-       i can not control my emotions nearly at all, and they're so intense, and i just-      it's so much to handle in every day life. god if i ever get a girlfriend in real life, i think i'm going to go fucking insane. my emotions are just so fucking intense and i don't know what to do, or how to express them other than to cry and fucking bawl my eyes out. it sucks, and i hate it, but i also like it because it shows just how deeply i care for people when i love them. like i'm listening to Snuff by Slipknot right now, and there's two lines that are so true "I couldn't face a life without your lights, But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight" rings true because i am such a fighter, i will fight for love, and i will go to goddamn war for it, and it sets a fucking FIRE in my heart, but almost nobody else is willing to fight for it themselves, and i've never met another person willing to fight for love as much as i am. another line is "You couldn't hate enough to love" which is because the more you hate, the more pain you have, and the more you've been mistreated in life and all of that, the more passionately you love, and the more you fight for it, and the stronger your love is, because the good people that treat you right are so few and far between. i'm honestly just fucking kinda losing it right now to bawling my eyes out, and so i just-   i think i'm gonna have to end this entry here and just let myself break. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-8-2022 - June 8th, 2022 - 11:09

#251 - Shutting Down

Akasi:

well, last night i got sent some triggering shit, which, i asked for in a way, but i didn't think it would be triggering in the way that it was, and so it caught me off guard, and so today i'm just off, and i tied asking [AFA] to play a game, but they said now, and so now i'm just shutting down because when i can't handle things i shut down, and i retreat into my own mind to process, like i'm kinda fronting but also not? i guess i might-    wow i just realised i've done this a lot in my life, when i go on "autopilot" after something like this, and i think it may have been co-con because it feels like it, i mean it makes sense that i would switch or go co con. anyways, i'm going to just go MIA and see how people react. i also set my custom status on discord, so hopefully someone will see it and message me and ask if i want or need help. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-7-2022 - June 7th, 2022 - 15:21

#250 - Finally

Akasi:

well, finally, after a long time of trying, i finally have a therapist, thank fuck. it took a couple months but goddamn am i happy to finally have a therapist again, it's a hell of a relief knowing i have that. her name on this diary will be [ETT], for anyone wondering. it also helps knowing that i can finally have her to vent to so hopefully the Doorway To The Darkness entries series are not going to be my only way of venting some of the dark and quite fucked up things that i have playing in my head constantly. honestly it's just gonna be a relief to finally have some fucking help. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this

6-6-2022 - June 6th, 2022 - 21:44

#249 - Effort

Akasi:

well, i was laying in bed, ready to sleep, but a tiktok came on and it said "maybe if i give all of myself to them they'll stay, right?" and then playing the song "the devil doesn't bargain" by Alec Benjamin, to say no, they won't stay, and it's funny, tonight i'm going to bed early not only because i need to make a therapy appointment soon, but also because i need to wake up [AFA] because they need to make an appointment thing too, and so i'm getting up in like 3 hours from now because i need to for them and it's giving more of myself to [AFA], and it's also added in with the potential of getting owner of the SZ server, and it's like i'm giving more of myself to others, and while i know that i am able to, and i want to, it's just-    idk. and as i write this the girl i matched with on a dating app said she's not poly, so that sucks. i guess i'm just worried that i am getting myself into one of the situations i've always dreaded, where people expect more of me than i can give, and i end up disappointing them, and i just-    i don't know. i just hope that [AFA] acknowledges that i want to give more of myself to them, be more devoted, but i also want that in return, like, i asked them to say goodnight, which they did and stuff, but like-    i don't know. i just don't know what to do because i know [AFA] doesn't like labels, and i know that they just-    idk. i know that part of it is i want to date them, and i want that desperately, and to date and stuff, but i just-     i don't know. my emotions are just a mess, and i wish i could find someone to actually fucking be close with, date, love, all that, but nope, i'm just unable to. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one, dear readers.

6-6-2022 - June 6th, 2022 - 14:31

#248 - Self Awareness

Akasi:

i wish some people were more self aware, it's how i ended up hurting lots of people, and i really have tried to let this girl know that she's being manipulative, but she turns it around on me, or emotionally manipulates me into being hurt again and just deflects. like when we were over she said it's her fault, and she's just unable to look at or see things a certain way, and yet, now, she's getting into a relationship, and it's like, either she doesn't care who she hurts, or she's being a hypocrite, or she really just didn't like me, and regardless, she's being dishonest in a way that is emotionally manipulative and hurts so fucking much, and i want to reciprocate, do what she's doing, hell, i have the capability to manipulate people perfectly, but she'd just drop me, and even then, as it is, i'm mirroring her because of the BPD, i just mirror her and stuff, adapt to her behaviours, and i keep lashing out and then apologising for it, which is something i would do in toxic situations before (which explains a lot now that i think about it), and so i just keep hoping she notices, and thinks and realises what the fuck she's doing before it's too late and she hurts this person that she's getting into a relationship with. hell, i doubt she'll read this or know it's about her, but there's no point because even if by some miracle she did read this site and did read this, she wouldn't change because she doesn't have the strength of will to do so, i can tell, she just lacks the conviction, completely and utterly, and i want to help her, i want her to be happy, but you just can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. i just hope i have the strength of will to handle her and deal with her and take all her manipulation and bullshit until she finally has someone shatter her heart, or hurt her, or traumatise her in some way to finally make her broken enough that she can rebuild herself better, or just have an epiphany, something, because i know that with people like this, the only way to make them realise how toxic they are is for them to get seriously hurt, and it's what i needed, and i wish that someone would do the same for me, but still. then again, part of me wants to break her myself, but then i won't be around to help her put herself back together, because i know she'll block me, i know she will. it's just a sucky situation, but what the fuck else can i do except stand by her and keep her from hurting people? i don't give up on friends and i'm not gonna treat her the same way i was treated when i was in this same position, i'm not gonna abandon her to let her learn on her own because i know she never will, and so i just need to stick around and try to keep her from hurting people. then there's a part of me that thinks maybe she has BPD or maybe the personality disorder she does have is something she just ignores and doesn't believe, or just doesn't care. i wish i knew how to get this girl to fix herself and become better, but i don't, and i admit it may also be my god complex and saviour complex ish behaviours talking, but still, i just wish this girl would realise what the fuck she's doing, but i know she never will, not until she gets seriously hurt, and i wish there was a way to do that without her hating me for it, but there's not. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-6-2022 - June 6th, 2022 - 13:45

#247 - The Crown

Akasi:

well, [TAL] has decided she wants to step down from SZ server, and thinks that i or one of the other admins should be the new owners which kinda sucks because i know she's amazing, and i know she has wonderful ideas, and i know that she's super nice, and i can see how much she tries. i just wish she'd keep ownership. as much as i think i would do ok as owner, i'm not ready for that responsibility, i'm really not, at least i don't think. i just hope she's not making this decision while splitting and regrets it. luckily i got her to wait until at least tomorrow, which will hopefully help, but still, we'll see. i just hope that the other admin and i are ready.

6-5-2022 - June 5th, 2022 - 17:12

#246 - I'm Exhausted

Akasi:

i'm tired of bottling up, i'm tired of being the one who does everything, and i am sick and fucking tired of having all these emotions, and i am sick and FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE GOING TO SHIT, AND I AM SICK OF BEING HURT, AND I AM SICK OF FEELING LOVE FOR PEOPLE I SHOULDN'T, AND I'M SICK OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE, AND I HATE HOW I LASH OUT WHEN I AM MAD AT PEOPLE, AND I HATE THAT EVERYONE MANAGES TO HURT ME SOMEHOW AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BOTTLING EVERYTHING UP AND NEVER TALKING TO SOMEONE AND THE FACT THAT I CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLE BECAUSE EVERYBODY FUCKING HATES ME, AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING DROPPED AND ABANDONED FOR NO FUCKING REASON. i know that's a lot of all caps but i am just so fucking sick of so much shit, and i just need some fucking help. i hope to see you in my next entry.

6-5-2022 - June 5th, 2022 - 15:31

#245 - I'm Bottling Up

Akasi:

well, i've gotten through the pain to the semblance of mental stability that i achieve and barely survive in, where sometimes i feel tears come out and they force their way out and i cry a bit, but then i swallow my pain metaphorically, and i force it all back down and i don't let it out of the box. it's the same way i get when i'm under a lot of stress, and i've also begun to fuck up on my words more as well, like i will type or text something and just forget words, it's like my mind skips over them like i'll say "oh yeah it miscommunication" forgetting words when i meant to say "oh yeah it was probably just miscommunication" like i'll cut out words like that and just forget them, and it's annoying, but i keep doing it, and it's just-     i can tell that i'm under a lot of stress because my mind just forgets words and shit like this, and i can tell i'm almost to the point i'm not gonna be able to handle things and i'll have to start cutting out parts of my life temporarily, and i don't want that. luckily i have a therapy intake appointment soon, so that's good. anyways, i'm gonna try and start making entries here more because it helps a lot to vent here, so yeah, hopefully i can keep my sanity for the few days left before my appointment. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-2-2022 - June 2nd, 2022 - 07:18

#244 - Weird Feelings

Akasi:

the human body is weird as shit, like i just started eating oreos and my jaw itched. like the bone under my skin itched and by extension my skin around my jawbone, like what? how does that happen? i mean granted i hadn't moved my jaw in multiple hours prior, but still, why? and then also, i'm one of those people that if i move, i just go snap crackle pop, like i can crack my neck, knuckles (in two joints, except my right thumb, that one won't crack), i can crack my elbows, my hips & back, my knees, and my toes. it's really weird. honestly i'm just a weird person in general, but yeah. anyways, this has been a random rant. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

6-2-2022 - June 2nd, 2022 - 05:06

#243 - Funny How Days Are Named

Akasi:

so, as you can tell from the title, i had an interesting thought. see, the days of the week, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, they are M, T, W, T, F, S, S. M & W are just upside down versions of each other, Thursday and Tuesday aren't unique and start with T, same with Saturday & Sunday, so the only unique one is Friday, which is 6 characters, an even number of characters, and not an odd number, even when it's the odd one out. tuesday and wednesday are the only ones that are an odd number of characters, 7 and 9 respectively, idk where i'm going with this but is it just me that notices things like this? like how the numbers of characters in words can be odd or even, and the interesting interworkings of things? like it's weird, coincidence is 11 letters, which 11 is coincidentally my lucky number, like if something good happens, it's usually at or around the 11th minute after the hour, and there's so many other random things, and it's about to be 05:11 right now for me, and there it is, right as i typed "right" after the time, it turned to 05:11, and right is an off number of letters, 5, and it's 05:11, which are both odd numbers, and 5 is the number of letters in right, and it's so weird, some of these interactions, it's kinda interesting, like am i the only one who notices these little things? i think i am, but you know, it's weird that i have this odd obsession with them, it's like my life is just one giant coincidence and it's weird and fucky, or maybe it's just the autism looking for these things because of whatever reason, or maybe it's not that, idk, it's just weird, and i pick up on these weird things like this all the time, like-    idk. it's just so weird. anyways, i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

6-1-2022 - June 1st, 2022 - 01:00

#240 - Happy Pride

Akasi:

figures that this entry would have the most coincidental of times and dates and stuff lmfao, even the number is specific lol, kinda funny. anyways, happy pride month to you all! it's been great having this site because i get to vent and stuff, and i just wanna thank you all for being here. anyways, i'm pretty good, things with [AFA] and [VGL] have been great, and honestly i've just been good all around, not much else to say, i'm kinda happy. also [AFA] and i cleared things up from my last entry, we're "best friends with benefits" lol, so, yeah, i'll take it. even if i want more, i'll take it, and now it keeps things clear. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-30-2022 - May 30th, 2022 - 12:31

#239 - I'm, An Exception?

Akasi:

so, i asked [AFA] if they considered me a partner and they said no, that i'm "special" and i asked if i'm some sort of exception and they said "i guess" and i kinda thought i had healed the damage i did to them enough that they'd say "i'm close to calling you a partner" and not just, an exception of some sort, idk, it just-    it kinda hurt because i-    i don't know, i thought i'v been doing everything right and we've been getting closer, but now i-    idk, i guess i kinda feel a little used or, idk, i guess i just feel like-     i don't know, i'm just-     i don't know what to think and i don't want to-    i don't know, i don't want to make it a huge thing because then them and i will get into it and it'll become a thing and then [AFA] is gonna say "oh, well i'm still hurt by you, ok?" and-    i don't know, it's a whole thing and i don't know what or how to feel. then on the other hand, special could mean i'm somehow above partner status? which i doubt, but still, it's just-    ugh. i don't know what to do or feel. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this (yes i see that it's an hour later exactly, coincidence loves to fuck with me).

5-30-2022 - May 30th, 2022 - 11:31

#238 - Hypnosis? Yes Please, I'll Even Beg

Akasi:

ok as you can tell by the title i found something AMAZING, and that something is Hypnosis, like seriously, [AFA] and i were talking, and i asked "what's the weirdest thing you want to try in kink and they said "hypnosis maybe" and i have thought about incorporating it somehow and HOLY SHIT, we talked, and they did some on me to make me feel calm and safe, and i have never felt better, like i swear, i love it, and it's just SO CALMING AND COMFY, AND COZY, like oh my god. it's amazing. i'm gonna learn it now just to teach it to others so they can use it on me, like i love this SO MUCH. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

5-29-2022 - May 29th, 2022 - 08:02

#237 - Old & New

Akasi:

well, i apologised to [VGL], and i hope she takes it well, while i'm still a bit hurt by the situation myself, and i do feel owed an apology for her not communicating well (i always apologise if i miscommunicate), it's just one of those things that i'll either get from her, even just a simple "i'm sorry for making you think i was being mean or rude about the coping mechanism" simple as that, an apology for making me think something, so yeah, i hope i'll get that one day, but until then, it'll just sit there, and serve as a small reminder to us that we can't be close again, friends, maybe good friends, but not "close" friends or best friends. yeah, i'm fine with that. or who knows, maybe she'll let this go, and i will too, idk. either way things are looking up and her and i are on better terms, at very least neutral it seems, but i do hope she adds me as a friend soon, but only if she thinks we're on good ish terms, leaning that way from neutral, so it can be a sign from her that we're ok, and she's not still particularly upset from the situation when i split the other day. anyways, now that that issue is kinda seeming to be settled, onto another thing. as you may see, i updated header images on my site! i went with a cool nature theme, and got some nice images, which are a while ass vibe, which is nice. i also made The Library and Archive Pages have a tree at sunset, because they're like the Sunset, closing, marking closure and ended stories, and ended entries, because those entries are "detached" from ones now. i also set up little vibes on other pages, and the welcome page has a cherry tree because the phrase used to find this blog is "The Cherry Tree has The Key to What Is Hidden", so you know, i kinda had to hehe. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next one whoever reads this

5-28-2022 - May 28th, 2022 - 19:33

#235 - Luckily, I Replay Issues

Akasi:

well, my paranoid ideation has paid off. see, after every issue, i replay the whole thing in my head, and i found a weak link in my argument, a possible miscommunication, and oh look, when i asked [VGL] it was indeed a miscommunication, and i was an idiot. so we're good, and i was being an idiot. i fucking hate how often stuff like this happens in my life. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-28-2022 - May 28th, 2022 - 00:08

#234 - Leaving Things As They Are

Akasi:

well, i left [VGL] unadded, if she wants to be friends, she can add me, otherwise i'm just gonna leave her be, not interact in DMS, just go our separate ways a bit. while i wish i had made it clear about what i said, i'm just done trying to care, she is too, she's clearly done caring for me, so why should i reciprocate, besides, i'm still hung up on not getting an apology, but i apologised to her for being a disappointment and acting out when i was hurt, which is what she seems to have had a problem with, me acting out when i was hurt and being a disappointment, which while i acknowledge it's letting her manipulate me, i'm just done, hopefully one day she'll figure it out and realise "huh, maybe i am manipulative and all the times i was called cold hearted they meant to say manipulative" or something along the lines of that and add me back and ask to help her change and give her another chance, but until then, until she apologises, i'm just done. and while i get i did hurt her, this was uncalled for. like if someone got pissed at me and started yelling about lying about the Immortal stuff and all that and tried doing that in a splitting episode, said that [SIF] was fake, i would be pissed, sure, but if they're splitting, fine, as long as they apologise and explicitly, and genuinely say that it was splitting, fine, cool, just leave it at that, water under the bridge, and let's never bring it up again. i would then apologise for whatever i did to set off a splitting episode, because they're always caused by something, like every episode has a trigger, an ignition point where the person is hurt, pissed off, whatever, in just the right way to make them blow up, and i would apologise for what i said or did to cause that, and try and really understand what i did that upset them so i can avoid it next time. would i need time to really chill out? yeah, of course, because when you get into one of those episodes, you take every skill and capability to hurt people that you have, and you focus it until your words become nearly deadly, if not fully deadly. and so of course it would hurt and i'd need a bit, but before we cool off i'd want to resolve it, because not only does that make us cool off quicker, but it keeps those emotions and feelings from solidifying and becoming permanent and irreversible. that's my thing, if everything that happened between us happened in the heat of emotions, as far as i'm concerned, it's whatever, as long as we can resolve it prior to cooling off, fine, but nope, [VGL] just wouldn't try and resolve what she did wrong, and now i've cooled off and i just don't care anymore. she can enjoy life without me, i have far better people to spend my time with, like [AFA] and the people in the SZ server, and not some girl with a lot of bad behaviours, like manipulation, that she won't realise are there and refuses to try and work on when i've tried telling her. like i know it was hard for me to realise that i was being manipulative, and when i finally figured it out, it was like this "OH MY GOD, wow, now that's why those people left" and was a wake up call and a bitch slap, but it was too late for me to add those people back, and that's part of why i have this diary so people know that if they want to add me back, they can, like there's a number of people who i wish would learn, become better, and come back to me and become the good friends i hoped we'd be, and a couple times it's happened, and it's been great, but, i doubt it'll happen here. besides, i'm pretty hurt by what she said still. like despite me admittedly blowing it out of control, i was still hurt by what she said, like am i such a disappointment when i'm trying my best that you're going to get mad at me for the way i'm coping? like that's what it felt like to me, like despite me trying my best and having done EVERYTHING i had, i was still a disappointment that she was angry at, which is also partly because i was idolising her and wanting her attention and pride, so it hurt me a lot when she said that, and set off a splitting episode, but even if i wasn't idolising her, i think that it would still be fair to feel pretty hurt by her being mad or upset at how i'm coping, like i feel like that's still fair, which she just wouldn't see, like even if she didn't mean it like that, it still hurt, which is why she doesn't care, that she hurt me unintentionally, like just because it was unintentional, you still hurt me, and i just want a simple apology. it was a mistake, and you apologise for mistakes, but nope, she doesn't think that. and that's ignoring the things it made me think, like "does she want me to hurt myself because she doesn't like this coping mechanism?" and "she's mad at this ideation that i can't control, why?" like it hurts, and because i was idolising her because of her being my FP, i was really set off, and said hurtful things. like i admit i haven't explained all this to her, but she just doesn't care, and i don't either at this point, and i'm not gonna be vulnerable around someone who makes me think "do they want me to kms?" because that's just asking to be made to feel suicidal, and i've made that mistake one too many times to make it again, so i had to explain it here, but still, she just doesn't see my side, and refuses to do so, so i'm just done trying, and one day, if she reads this entry and comes back, and apologises, i'll take her back, otherwise, i'm just done with her, as much as i hate to say it, i'm done with her. i don't like giving up on friends but when they act like this i can't really do anything else. now, am i still here if she gets better? yeah, sure, but i'm not gonna call her friend. anyways, this will probably be one of the final few entries mentioning [VGL] unless something changes, but until then, i'm probably gonna hardly mention her. i'll end this entry here, and i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-27-2022 - May 27th, 2022 - 18:19

#233 - Unanimous Votes

Akasi:

well, [VGL] didn't apologise for what she said last night that set me off and into a splitting episode, and so Winchester from my system decided to start a system vote to block her, and it was unanimous. with my hand being the first up because i'm done with her. she doesn't care for me anymore, and she's at the point where she's disconnected her caring for me, so there's really no point in trying to win her back. i'm just done with her. i'll probably end up cutting again later tonight because no doubt the urges will come back once i cool off, but hey, it's not going back on my words because, well, [VGL] doesn't care lol. kinda funny. i really wanted to have this all end well because my last entry was all splitting and i meant none of it, but she didn't want to apologise for what she said that set me off, so oh well. and she also said some other stuff that shows she's done with me. it's kinda funny, i was hoping this was all gonna end well, but nope, it won't, as i figure it would a few entries ago. ehh, not like it bothers me a ton, i mean it hurts, because i miss [VGL], but i have [AFA] and i think them and i are ok, so at least i have them, and who knows, maybe they'll decide to hold me to my words from the walk, and force me to stay clean. that might help, but idk. regardless, it's kinda freeing being rid of [VGL], because now, i can let go of the idea of a triad with her and [AFA], and can focus on repairing the damage i did between [AFA] and i, and heal with them, and move forward, as friends, lovers, whatever it may be. after last night, having them just-    comfort me so well and the way they handled me, and we're just friends, it made me realise that i'm ok with just friends. while i hope that one day we can go into a relationship, i'm ok with friends, and i think once we've healed and found a "thing" that can keep us connected, and maybe a few things to keep us connected, we'll stay friends for quite a while, and i like that. regardless, i suppose if [VGL] cares, she can find a way to contact me, even though i doubt she will.

5-27-2022 - May 27th, 2022 - 06:07

#232 - Hours & Kilometers

Akasi:

well, at the time of writing i have been resisting the urge to get the nail gun from my garage, load it up, and shoot myself in the brain. repeatedly. until i am dead, and have been talking to [AFA] to help keep the urges at bay, and have been making morbid jokes and [VGL], oh [VGL], THIS BITCH, i swear. she wakes up, and i tell her about the jokes, and, OH LOOK, SHE SAYS "It doesn't make me happy you are doing that but I guess I prefer it" LIKE OH MY GOD BITCH, THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? and the way she said things, it sounds so fucking horrible. and then, when i said "you're mad at my coping mechanism and suicidal ideation, wow" AND SHE DOESN'T DENY IT IN ANY PART, like bitch, i can not control the fact i'm thinking about wanting to eat a bullet or multiple nails in the skull, it's not my fault i'm imagining that and have it playing on an endless fucking loop, so she has no right to be mad at that, and then, AND THEN, the icing on THE GODDAMN SUICIDE CAKE, she's mad that i am using that coping mechanism. LIKE SERIOUSLY. like from my perspective, given the fact that she's been manipulative before, i think that she is just a manipulative bitch who gets off on manipulating people in the long run and manipulates them towards suicide, and then uses her dead friend as a shit excuse, like bitch i have a god complex and the capability to manipulate people hella fucking well, but i am not going out here trying to manipulate people into suicide, i'm trying to talk to them, comfort them into not wanting to do it, showing them i care, and telling them that they are cared for, and yet, LOOK AT [VGL] fucking being a manipulative excuse. i swear this girl is begging for more tattoos, and she wonders why people call her a cold hearted bitch. if it weren't for the fact that i acknowledge i'm splitting right now i'd call her on discord and scream in her face and then tell her "since you so clearly want me to because you don't like my coping mechanism, i guess i'll go back to my other one" and then cut near my wrist. on video call. fucking trigger and traumatise her over again, and the fact that i want to do that really shows i am splitting, but i'm not going to, because that is a thought, it is an idea, and whether i do it or not is my choice, like it's my choice in how to cope, but with this bitch saying shit like this and acting like this it really sets me off. and then there's the other side of it that's like, am i really such a fucking disappointment to her that she's mad at me? like if i'm that much of a disappointment, bitch, block me, there's the fucking door, click it and you're gone from my life, permanently, i don't fucking care. i'm just so fucking sick of manipulative bastards like this, and like i have tried to call her out, i've tried to talk to her, but seriously? this extreme? trying to manipulate me into suicide and self harm and then use her dead friend as an excuse? really? hell at this point i don't even know if she was telling the truth about that, she could have been lying about that just to manipulate me into thinking she had good reason to get out of the relationship and use the "dead friend" excuse to get out of anything i would do to hurt her relating to suicide or self harm. it's just so fucking extreme that i don't even know what to do, and while again, i am splitting right now, i see that, it's still just so fucking horrible. i'm gonna go to bed after writing this entry, and if i feel like this tomorrow still, and i don't wake up to a long ass apology, i'm gonna block this fucking bitch because i am so fucking done with her. maybe i'll text her the entry number, and prompt her to write an apology, but if she's read it and not apologised when she KNOWS how pissed i am, nope, i'm done with her, blocked bitch, bye bye. i'm just so sick of this shit. anyways, i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-26-2022 - May 26th, 2022 - 21:39

#231 - Thinking

Akasi:

sometimes i wonder about things, like, idk, i wonder about if i am a good person, or, idk. i guess the thing that's been on my mind is if [VGL] and [AFA] truly care for me, like, i've hurt them both, and i just-      one example is that today, [AFA] told me that they are mad at one of their GFs for outing them about some private stuff, and so they were mad at her, the GF, and so i told [AFA] to drop the girl, because she knew about the trauma that [AFA] had associated with the way that she outed [AFA], and i said so in the group chat because the other day, when i cut, and triggered [VGL], i knew about her trauma, i forgot in the moment because those urges give me tunnel vision like you wouldn't believe, but i still knew about her stuff, and i knew it would upset her, i knew it, but i didn't want to lie, and like, i know that that sounds like a really shitty "well i did this bad thing, and really hurt you, but at least i didn't do this" like trying to discount it and invalidate how much i hurt her, but still, what am i supposed to do? i already mentioned having urges and leaving for a sec, so there was no way i would have been able to lie my way out anyways, and even then, lying is not only really bad for polyamory for my hopes of getting a triad going with [VGL] and [AFA], but it's also another trauma of hers, so it was either lie out shittily, trigger her that way, and lose her trust, or be honest, and trigger her that way, arguably worse, which sucks because now she also doesn't trust me not to cut, and i just-     she doesn't have faith in me or believe in me anymore, she also doesn't love me, or care for me in the way she did and i just-       my life has been everybody not believing in me, putting me down, hurting me, or whatever, and i just-      i want to believe i'll earn that trust and faith back, but i'm not sure if it's going to degrade my mental health too much before then and get me closer to cutting or something. hell, she doesn't know this but i had a strap thing around my neck after she told me we were over while i waited to see what she'd say, but she said stuff that was interesting, and so i listened and took it off. i never told her because i didn't want her to know. i just worry that i'm going to disappoint her, just upset her again and cause her to lose another person to suicide, and i don't know if i'm not going to kill myself, like i remember the day i fucked up with [AFA], i just-    all i could think about was wanting to die from guilt, and then same with [VGL], and so what happens the next time one of them gets mad at me? i don't have coping methods for wanting to kill myself, except cutting, self harm, it staves off the urges to end it all, and now not doing that, i just-         i don't know what to think or do, and i worry that all i'm gonna do is let both of them down, and even then, i know that if i'm this stable, i know realistically i should never try to date them, and just bury my feelings, i know that logically, that's the best option. get rid of my feelings, bury them somehow and just be friends, but then i can't deny them without splitting, and then i'd hate them and destroy the friendship, so i just don't know what to do, and the more i talk, the more i write entries, the more i think, the more i keep realising that an ultimatum is really the only way, that or just disappearing and ditching, abandoning them, but then that would upset both of them, but i don't know. i've dated people in the past, couple people i hurt, and that's the thing, when you see how much damage you did to someone every day while you date, it makes you really feel horrible, like-      it just makes you feel guilty, and i just don't know if i can handle that. it's like everything i'm doing is trying to put corks in a sinking ship, and it's not working, and the ship is still sinking, and there's nothing i can do, and it's like, every day i see them slowly but surely hate me more, or dislike me, or just feel indifferent since the last day, and like, then there's the part of me that sees them both liking each other more, and it makes me just think even more that i should disappear and just let them be happy with each other. who knows, maybe i just hide offline and disappear until one of them addresses me or asks me a question, i don't know. i just wish i saw and easy way out that didn't involve hurting both of them. granted, i could just kill myself, then i'd be too dead to care. granted, y'know, me being an Immortal kinda puts a hole in that plan. i suppose i could just leave the planet never to be seen again? then [AFA] would probably try and follow me because they do have wings and could chase me, even to another galaxy, albeit that would take a LOT of exercise for them because they're Fallen. their stamina wouldn't exactly be enough to fly even to Pluto i don't think. maybe they could rest with the Saturnians, although idk, if they could they could hitch a ride from Pluto's spaceport after getting a ride from Saturn. even then, i'd need something quick and painless to end it all, maybe a gun, but that's hard to get. suppose i could find out what areas of the brain are most needed for survival and use the nail-gun to shoot myself there? thing uses compressed air, but idk how to get the nails in it and stuff, and i'd want bigger ones anyways to make sure i get dead. idk, besides, those nails travel at a not too fast feet per second, and there's a freak chance it doesn't kill me, which means shit tons of pain if i don't die. which i don't want. i don't even know, hell, [VGL] probably hates me anyways. god and even then, even if i don't hurt [VGL] again, even if i stay clean, i'm still such a worthless bitch. i have hurt and in general been horrible to both [VGL] and [AFA], and so even if i manage to not cut, not kill myself, and try and treat them right, i know i'm going to fail, and i'm going to hurt them, and i'm going to cause a problem, and even then, there's so many more reasons why i cut other than just helping me not have suicidal ideation. cutting helps me take out some of my penchant for violence on myself, and helps me stay calm, and not lash out at people, and i don't know if i can go without hurting someone. i just wish that i was better, and more able to keep myself from hurting people and ruining my life, or hurting myself. i'm gonna end this entry here and play some games while i ponder the domino effects of suicide and try and distract myself until those thoughts get the fuck out of my head. i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-26-2022 - May 26th, 2022 - 02:03

#230 - Fucking Emotions

Akasi:

well, i am feeling that familiar sense of risk that i feel when part of my life are on the line. i sort of missed it, but in this particular instance i don't. so, let's jump right in. [AFA] decided to start talking about what they feel for me but in ways that are too uncertain for me to take, and understand, and like, i can tell they're scared of telling me how they feel, and i can tell they love me, at least in some fashion, but with [VGL], i talked her into a relationship. not only is that coercion in a manner, but also an amount of effort i will not be putting in again. i just fucking with that [AFA] would tell me how they feel, and confess what they feel, tell me they love me, and send a long, romantic, sappy message, like pushing discord's character limit, because i swear to god, they are an amazing person, both them and [VGL], but i am just not gonna beg people to date, it's not worth it. and when [AFA] has hurt me how they have, i'm not even gonna ask them out, they need to come to me, like they must know that the second they send a long sappy message, boom, i'm theirs, period, no arguments, no second thoughts, the second they send a sappy and genuine message, with tone indicators, i'm jumping in headfirst, same with [VGL] even though i know she'll never do that, like, speaking of [VGL], she is so just-       i don't know. she's so hurt, and i hate that i did that to her. like i want to date her, and i want to date [AFA] and i want them to date each other, i want a nice triad, but i know [VGL] is never gonna be willing to most likely, like-      i don't know. i guess part of me is just wanting to give up on everything, remove them both as a friend, and just quit because of all the effort. like i've been putting in days of effort and work, and the whole 12 kilometer walk, but nothing seems to be working, neither of them like me back and i'm just sick of getting my heart crushed. i have a hard time giving up on things, or letting go, but in this case, i don't know, maybe i should. like i want them both but i'm sick of getting hurt. i mean i guess an ultimatum might work, but past that? i have no clue what to do. i also want to give them both a proper and real good chance, but i seriously am running out of energy and conviction, like seriously, tell me you like me, tell me you love me, just fucking say it, i don't care if you need to get into an argument and then scream it at me, just tell me you love me and fucking mean it! idk. maybe i'm just tired or whatever and that's why i'm saying all this but i just-        i'm sick of putting in nearly all the effort. it's tiring, and it hurts when my heart gets crushed like it usually does. then part of me just wants them both to say "we don't love you, we're done", and just abandon me, it would get rid of my feelings, it would also negate the whole 12 kilometer walk agreement thing because then, well, [VGL] isn't around to care, and it's not like there's any other reason to stop cutting. i don't know. i guess i'm just starting to think they're both not worth the effort, despite all my attempts to put all of my effort in. while i admit this could be an emotional episode from BPD, i got the familiar heart crushing feeling i get when i get rejected, so maybe it's not one, but still, either way, i need to sleep, and decide when i wake up. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-25-2022 - May 25th, 2022

#229 - Dead Blood

Akasi:

yet another entry i've been neglecting to write, this is about [MCS], my sister from Immortal life, blood sibling, who i met again in Mortal life. see, i was part of 4 siblings, 3 sisters, and one brother. the other sister was [GS] and the brother we'll call [MCB]. we were all siblings by blood, and part of a "set". [GS] was The Smart One, [MCB] was The Strong One, [MCS] was The Clever One, and i was The Adaptive One. the person who mentored us told me that if any of my siblings became too powerful that i would need to put them down, kill them, in cold blood because i could adapt my abilities to share their abilities, and use the combined power of my siblings to kill whichever one i needed. [GS] was the smart one and knew to use her intelligence for good, and [MCB] used his power to protect others, but [MCS], she-     her cleverness corrupted her, and about a year ago she finally crossed the line and i had to kill her. it was the worst day of my life, and today, i found an email in my drafts that i was going to send her as a "one year anniversary" thing, to commemorate 1 year after meeting again in Mortal life, but i never sent it because she had faked her death, which is why another Alter in my system formed, as a factive/introject of [MCS], which was long before the day i had to kill her. i still have the shreds of her soul, broken and tattered, kept in the necklace that was hers. i hate that i had to do that to this day, and i always will, but i just-    it hurts more right now. the Mortal she was possessing, Gray, she's still alive, but when you use the magic that i had to, the person breaks, and i doubt gray has recovered, even over a year later, but i hope she has. i still have her number so i suppose i could call her, but i fear that would only traumatise her again, and that's the last thing i want. besides, i can't bear to hear her voice again. i'm gonna end this entry here, because i need to cry and do stuff. i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-25-2022 - May 25th, 2022 - 09:00

#228 - 12 Kilometers

Akasi:

well, after my fuck up, which was cutting and triggering one of [VGL]'s traumas, i walked 12 kilometers to prove to her i'm never cutting again, and honestly right now i kinda want to cut, but i'm not going to. i turned up my music, and i'm gonna use it to make me cry this urge out of me, and i'm gonna cope another way, and i'm sure as hell not gonna go back on my word the same day, or ever. i don't go back on my word, and that's something i'm proud of, and i'm gonna go on walks and find replacement behaviours every day and work on myself and work on getting better every day until the day these urges disappear. part of me is worried i won't be able to keep this commitment, but i'm gonna shut that part of me right up, but i'm gonna keep crying, and crying, and crying until i can go to bed. and then tomorrow i'm gonna feel stable, and even if i want to cut, i'm going to grab some ice and press it on where i used to cut, and i'm gonna hold it there until it melts, i'm satisfied, or i need to take it off (because safety), and i'm going to do this every fucking day, for hours if need be because i'm going to fucking keep this commitment, period. well, i took a moment from writing and talked to [VGL] and i can tell she's just so incredibly hurt and i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it I HATE IT I HATE ME, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, I HATE THIS WAKE OF CHAOS, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION I LEAVE, AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME, AND I HATE THAT I AM SO BROKEN AND HURT, AND I HATE THAT I AM SUCH A MESS, AND I HATE THAT I AM STUCK AS FUCKING HOST IN MY SYSTEM BECAUSE I HATE FUCKING LIFE, I HATE GETTING JUST SO DISCOURAGED THE SECOND I MAKE ONE MISTAKE, I HATE WANTING TO DESTROY MY LIFE EVERY CHANCE I GET, AND I FUCKING HATE BEING IN THIS CONSTANT STATE OF PAIN, AND SUFFERING THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO HORRIBLE, AND I HATE THAT I HAVE THESE URGES TO HURT AND KILL MYSELF AND HURT AND KILL OTHERS AND CAUSE ALL THESE PROBLEMS AND I HATE THAT ALL OF MY FUCKING LIFE HAS BEEN SUCH A FUCKING MESS AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T JUST HAVE A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE WITH NORMAL EMOTIONS WHERE I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING RUIN MY LIFE EVERY DAY AND KEEP GETTING WORSE AND WORSE MENTALLY THE MORE SUCCESSFUL I AM IN LIFE, AND HOW I SPLIT AND GET PISSED AT FRIENDS TO THE POINT OF HATING THEM AND WANTING TO KILL THEM IN A HALF HOUR, AND I HATE HOW MUCH SHIT HAS GONE THROUGH MY MIND AND I HATE THIS PAIN, I HATE THIS PAIN, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT WITH ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART.           ok that umm-    that took a lot out of me emotionally, i umm, i need to cry, and then go to sleep, but at least i don't want to cut anymore, so yay. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this.

5-24-2022 - May 24th, 2022 - 19:38

#227 - Fucking BPD

Akasi:

of course that after mental stability for days and being fine and being ok i inevitably fuck up with the two people i care about most, [VGL] and [AFA]. i managed to trigger [VGL] and then [AFA] had to help and i just-      god i just feel like i should leave them both to each other. i brough them together, now they have each other, and can be happy without me and heal from the stupid pain i put them through together. i should just leave and leave the SZ server, and i should just fucking disappear from their lives, and leave them to each other because if i stay i'm just gonna fucking hurt them. this is why i never go after happiness and i never try to be happy, because it always ends in hurting people and fucking up and making people hate me more than they already do. i'm just fucking sick of causing pain for everyone around me. i should fuck off and live alone, away from everybody.

5-22-2022 - May 22nd, 2022 - 22:36

#226 - I Miss People

Akasi:

firstly, i'm ok since last entry. fuck splitting. anyways, this entry is about [AFA] and [VGL]. i miss them both so much, like, right now [AFA] has been on my mind and i miss them, like i miss being able to get inside their head, i miss being able to really understand them on a personal level, i miss the flirting, i miss the hugs, the cuddles, the love, their presence, being able to sense them and feel their existence from halfway across the fucking world, i miss being able to just-   be with them! like i take romantic relationships, really any relationships, to such a deep level, like for me i take them so deeply, and personally, and i really just take them to such a deep and personal level that i don't know how to separate things, and i fuck up with boundaries sometimes, but it's because i don't know how to not be close with people, like my sister, [SFZ] and i share everything, like everything, hell, we shower together sometimes because on the ship where [SIF] ab*sed us, we had to make sure that he wasn't coming to the showers to hurt us while we were vulnerable, and so, her and i have 0 boundaries whatsoever, and so, like, i struggle to think and feel things with boundaries, with blocks, it's why i like to psychoanalyse people, because it makes me feel closer to them, it makes things feel more personal, and like with [AFA] and [VGL] i got to do that, i got to get inside their heads, like with [VGL] i got her to open up about her trauma, from trauma from a friend of hers who is no longer alive, to being hurt and used and shit, and like i get to talk to her and help her with those things, and help her cope and heal, albeit i did hurt her a couple times, i helped her in the end, and i loved getting inside her head, and i loved how she was just so soft, and caring, and just so appreciative of me being understanding, and like, really told me that she knew i cared and gave me feedback, and for her, sex has an emotional component, which is something i missed because with [AFA] it had minimal emotion with it, and they also didn't give me lots of feedback in the relationship, hence me fucking up by pressing their boundaries in a BIG way, and leading to the whole "i'm going to kill myself" thing with them, and [VGL], she made me feel horrible because i lied to her and hurt her and made her see me as just another person who used her so i cut on a call with her which was so stupid, and toxic, and i just-      like i know i have been toxic and a bit manipulative with both of them, but like, i truly fucking love them, and like i know they will never love me, i know they'll never be able to say that but still, i hope, and it's all i fucking want, is for them to love me back, and be in a relationship with me, hell, it would be the best thing ever if they could just talk to each other, fall in love with each other, and then scheme to set up a whole date thing for the three of us to, idk, play No Man's Sky, like scheme to make a poly with the three of us, and then do some really cute shit, and surprise me with it, but then again i know that's just a fantasy idea that i have, because i am such a hopeless romantic, but i still hope that idk, something will change for them, or, idk, something will happen, to make them love me again, or, idk, hell, even if they got together, and then were openly cute and shit to test my tolerance of jealousy and then once i get a therapist fucking finally, they surprise me with that date thing, or just-   something, like i just want them to love me back because each of them, when i dated each of them, from my point of view, despite the fuckups and the pain, those were the best relationships to me, and i miss them so goddamn much. but then again, all of this is just me making stupid fantasies in my head, because as per fucking usual i destroyed everything i had with each of them, and they just see me as a toxic bitch who can barely cope with her shit that belongs in goddamn therapy. hell, they're probably faking when they say they want me back in their life. you know it'd be funny if i just sign out of discord, go completely MIA all day, come back and see how much they care. that would be fun, but heart crushing because i know that they barely care for me probably. and if they do it's sure as hell not love, which is just all i fucking want from them, both of them. i hate that i have to live with knowing i destroyed everything we had by not just waiting 5 damn minutes to think and clear my head and ask things. if i had taken 5 minutes to clear my head i wouldn't have fucked up with [AFA], and i wouldn't have fucked up with [VGL]. it's a damn miracle neither of them has told me to kms because honestly, if they said that at all, i would fucking do it, or cut, or something, god, cutting, maybe that's why i'm a mess, because i'm clean for 8 days and 5 hours as of writing this, that'd be fucked, if i'm such a mess because of not cutting, that would be super fucked. honestly i'm just a mess and i just need to go and cry my eyes out as i fall asleep and just try and accept that both [VGL] and [AFA] will never love me again, let alone be willing to try a relationship with me again. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-22-2022 - May 22nd, 2022 - 14:32

#225 - BPD Rage At It's Finest

Winchester:

well, Akasi has gotten extremely pissed off, so much so that me, the violent Alter, is the one fronting to keep us under control. which goes to show just how pissed she is. this is great, not. why do people have to be such pricks I swear. anyways, I'll see you in the next entry I make, or Akasi will see you in hers, either way, that's it for this entry. farewell.

5-21-2022 - May 21st, 2022 - 17:45

#224 - I'm Admin, Not Owner

Akasi:

well me being admin has led to the owner of the server (we'll call the server "The SZ Server") and then we'll call the owner [TAL], anyways, [TAL] believes that the members like me more than her, which like, the only reason they seem to be more receptive to me is because i'm a chaotic bitch, like i make a fucking splash because i just don't care to not make a splash, and so, it turns heads, and like i wish i knew how to tell her to just be bold! lead, you know? now that i know that she feels that way i'm gonna back the fuck off and chill out, but still, i wish i could tell her to just take the reins, and guide the server, and really take control and be bold, i just wish i knew how to tell her that because i know that people like her, and they do think of her highly, it's just that she's shy, like come on [TAL]! be bold! make waves! hell, i'd be willing to stage an argument between us and do something to get attention, destroy my reputation to help her, but i seriously just wish that i could tell her to be bold. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-21-2022 - May 21st, 2022 - 00:26

#223 - Bad Decisions
Akasi:

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO COME BACK, GODDAMNIT. they make me act all goofy and stupid and weird and shit and make me want to go on a self destructive episode, and they make me do stupid shit and fuck up my life, and it's like-   i don't know why! like i get they have a saviour complex, and i get that part of me wants them to see me as someone to care for and play into their saviour complex, but the way i act i can just tell it's unhealthy, and i just hate it! like i want to be healthy, and not fuck up my life, and have a healthy relationship with them but i am just so affected by them, like there's this weird ass feeling i get that makes me goofy and it's like-   GAH!!!!! why can i not just act fucking normal around them, like i'm glad they came back but i HATE that they make me feel and act like this and i just wanna fucking scream! like why!!! why do i act like this???!?!?!!??!!!!!?!?!?!!? literally nobody else makes me feel this way and i don't know why!!!!! ugh, i just fucking wish that i could be better, and i hope that i don't fuck up AGAIN with [AFA] but no, i probably will, but all i want is a fucking healthy relationship with them as friends, friends with benefits, whatever, i don't care, as long as it's healthy, and it's so annoying because it's like i let them have this power over me, and i let it happen, and i just don't know why! it's so irritating but it's also like a fucking drug, like i don't even know why they make me so happy, and goofy and feel all these feelings and emotions and shit and i hate it! i hate it i hate it i hate it and i just want a fucking healthy relationship where i don't just try and fucking subordinate myself to them. god i just wish i knew why this was, like what about them makes me feel this way! it's annoying. especially when i care for [VGL] and want her to feel for me and get back together for me and i just- GAH i wish my emotions and shit didn't do this to me! like i get i can of course date them both, bc i'm polyamorous, but still. fuck me. i hope to see you in my next entry by which time i am hopefully not practically high on fucking emotions and hormones.

5-20-2022 - May 20th, 2022 - 17:56

#222 - I'm-    Admin Apparently?

Akasi:

well, as the title suggests, i got admin. i got it in a different discord server than i've been talking about as of late, and, well, i'm kinda shocked. i'm happy to help, but i'm still surprised lol. anyways, i'm going to end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

5-19-2022 - May 19th, 2022 - 15:34

#220

Akasi:

so i talked with [VGL] again today, and it seems like things are going good, i'm ok with being friends, she told me what needs to happen for us to get back together, and, well, yeah, idk, i just-     i wish she cared for me the same way, you know? like-    i don't know. trying to understand her feelings is just fucking exhausting right now. anyways, in other news, i'm thinking a lot about, idk, life i guess, where i go from here. like i'm gonna have to figure out where i go from here. like, i guess this summer is hitting me like a ton of bricks, because it feels open, it has that same feeling that it did when i was in school, that open freedom, you know? and like-     i'm used to it feeling like this crushing weight, this inescapable crushing weight of just-   stuff, but it feels open this time, i don't know if it's me having hope, or what, but it feels open. i don't know, i guess i'm just sitting at the beginning of a journey, of a path, and there's so much out in the open in front of me, that i just-    i don't know, i feel like i have room to feel hopeful, to feel like things will go good and it's kinda nice. not fully nice or great, but kinda nice.

5-18-2022 - May 18th, 2022 - 20:00

#219 - Food & Thinking

Akasi:

as i write this i'm eating a salad, hence the first part of the title. anyways, this random girl from a discord server i'm in said she's 85 days sober, and so i congratulated her and was nice and make a big fuss over it and making her feel appreciated and cared for, both in server and in DMs, and really acknowledge that she did an amazing thing, and like, i can just spew kindness, like i know i can do that, and it's not a huge deal to me, it's just words, but i know how much weight they carry, how much they mean, and it's really nice. like words have a lot of power, and the right ones can convey such a message of just-    anything, and it can carry so much power, and weight, and as someone who's been in and around mental health servers a lot, you have no idea how happy you can make someone with 5 minutes of your time, and a few well worded messages, like they mean so much to people, generally because - as sad a truth as this is - most people in those servers have been through hell, or had bad lives, or in general have so many stories of sadness, pain, hurting, and countless other things that they have lived through, and it's just-    it's shocking how much the people in these servers have been through, i mean i'm one example of so many people, and it's just-    there's so much that you can do with just a few words to make someone's day so much brighter, even someone extremely broken and hurt, a few good words can make all the difference, and in some cases, turn their mental health away from suicide, i know there's been a few times i was really upset, and it was looking like i was going to feel suicidal, but someone treated me right and was nice to me in a way that turned my mental health around for the better. there's just so much that can be done so easily that it makes me wonder why people don't put in the effort, like it's SO EASY to be as kind as i can be at times, and to do these things, and it just-   i don't know, its just shocking that so few people are willing to do nice things. maybe it just comes naturally to me, or i'm downplaying how much effort i'm putting in, but still, you never know how much difference you can make on the other side of the screens until you've really felt it from both sides. i guess part of me is sad that the world is the way it is, and i'm sad i get hurt so much when it seems to be so easy to be kind like this, but still, i don't know. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-17-2022 - May 17th, 2022 - 19:03

#218 - Cleaning Up

Akasi:

well, not that it's very noticeable, but i cleaned up some of the back-end and backlog sort of pages that i have on this site. namely the Library and Archive Pages are more cleaned up. by archive pages i mean the ones that house entries older than this year and last year, which, as i said, is the most i'll be keeping on this page, to save load times and because, honestly, you don't need more more context than that, it's not like i have the dedication to work on a project or something for more than a fucking year lmfao, granted, this diary being the exception. it's also kinda nice doing the yearly cleanup, like it always takes a long while, like an hour ish, because it's having to copy and paste, ensure it copied the entry exactly as it is, then delete the original from this page, and then repeat, and doing that for all the entries from a year? it takes a while, but it's a nice little project for me to do at the start of the year, and hey, this diary is like, my thing, you know? it's been and is becoming my thing more and more, and hey! i'm actually getting some readers, which is nice, because i get to know that at least some of you are learning from the litany of mistakes that i have made and put on this site, which is nice, and hey, then i get to vent, and know that someone cares and it's just nice. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry

5-17-2022 - May 17th, 2022 - 18:11

#217 - Nobody Wants Me To Live

Akasi:

i have tried, and tried, and fucking tried, and i have been just-     such a fucking mess, and today i got rejected from therapy, just like i got kicked off betterhelp, and so i went to sign up for talkspace, and told my mom the price and she said "oh i can't afford that", fucking instantly. all i heard from that is "you should kill yourself". hell, maybe i should, maybe then she'll understand just how fucking hurt i am. ok i took a break from writing this entry. i'm feeling better, but i'm still hurt. i'll update what happened later, for now i need to calm down.

5-16-2022 - May 16th, 2022 - 16:55

#216 - The Breaking Point

Akasi:

the title is to man my breaking point. i can tell i'm getting close, that it's only a matter of time. i can tell that my emotions are building and i am getting closer and closer to snapping, like a balloon building up pressure, getting ready to burst, and i know i need to let it out, and i know i need to do it at least a little slowly, but i also don't know how. i don't have a therapist, and probably won't have one for some time, and venting to people in servers and stuff is unreliable. i had [VGL] but she's since left my life, and probably permanently, and i know that if i try to reach out i'd probably just get hurt by her. again. i just don't know what to do, and i don't know who to trust, who to rely on, hell, i'm getting a headache today because i have so many emotions built up, and it's like i need to let them out, i need to let them free, and i need to vent them, and let them out, and just-     something, i just need to release this pressure inside me before i explode, because i know i'm going to, and i know that i'm going to lose it on someone i care about, and i know that i'm going to ruin my life again, but for once i'm in a coupled good servers, i'm in a good place, and my life isn't entirely shit. while yes, i may be hurting, i may be in pain, and losing [VGL] was no help, i'm also not completely broken, or-   maybe i am and i'm just hiding it, and shoving it down because i need to keep my shit together, maybe i'm just-     i don't know. i just don't know what to say or do, or how to get help, and i feel like i am going to scream, and cry, and i just-     i'm afraid of what i'm going to do when i lose it, when my emotions get the better of me, i'm afraid of it, i'm afraid of myself. i don't want to deal with this and have to shove it down and keep a lid on myself, i want to be able to let it out but i also know that i don't have a way to let my emotions out and i know that i just can't get them out, and just-     i don't even know, and i'm repeating myself now, but i just-     i need help, i need fucking help, but nobody seems to understand that or be willing to listen to me when i say i need help, when i say i am in this pain, like because i don't lose my shit, i have the self control that i have, nobody will get me the fucking help that i need, and then on the other end, when i do lose my shit and stuff, people want me in jail or a mental hospital., hell, my own damn Mortal mother called the cops on me because i punched my dad because i had gone without therapy for months, like i know i need therapy, and i know i can't keep myself together, but i don't need a mental hospital or jail, what i need is consistent therapy to keep me from losing it, like if i have therapy at least weekly, i am fine, and i have fantastic mental health, but if i lose that, i can't function, i need it, and i just-       i don't know what to do, but i know i need help, i know i need someone to rely on, i know i need someone to handle me, i know i just need some serious help, but i can't get that, and i don't know what to do. i have made cries for help at multiple points in my life, and every single one of them has failed and not worked, or people have overreacted or something. it just hasn't worked. nobody fucking understands me, and sure, people pretend to, but nobody does, not one person truly fucking understands me. not one person, and i hate it. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one if i can manage to keep myself alive.

5-16-2022 - May 16th, 2022 - 12:39

#215 - I Can't Do This

Akasi:

why does everyone think that i'm the person that you should go to to manipulate when i talk someone down instead of talking to you, or ask me to talk you down at complete random, like why is it always me? like i can't handle this, i don't know why people think that i can, because i can't, like i had to block someone today because i couldn't handle them. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one.

5-16-2022 - May 16th, 2022 - 08:39

#214 - I'm An Idiot

Akasi:

well, apparently [SRA] meant they read another thing linked in my discord profile and not this site linked, and so i essentially outed myself over a miscommunication lmfao. not like it matters much but still, fuck me. it's also kinda cool how [SRA] is like, shocked i added him to my site and gave him a little 3 letter nickname, i mean, idk, he's nice, and he's a bit jokey, honestly i've liked him from the start and been wanting to be friends, but my mental health has been dropping so i didn't want to ask him to be friends because i felt like i'd hurt him, idk, i guess when he reads this site he'll let me know if he wants to be friends, but then again, idk how he'll take it, and even then, i don't know if he's the kind of person to like being and having friends, idk, there's a lot going through my mind and the overworrying has been crazy lately because of shitty mental health, so that's also not fun, but yeah, idk. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this

5-16-2022 - May 16th, 2022 - 08:18

#213 - Nice Job

Akasi:

well, one of the moderators/admins of the server, [SRA], figured out who i am, and figured out that this site is mine, so that happened. here's hoping i don't get judged. to be fair the server has been nice, but, idk, i always worry when i'm discovered and such, but hey, at least it's a more friendly server, who knows, maybe there's other Immortals in server, though i highly doubt it. anyways, i don't really know what else to say, other than hopefully this won't go to shit. oh also, if you're from server: hi, i hope you enjoy reading this site. it's a mess, like my life, but you know, maybe you'll see some of the mistakes i made and be able to avoid making the same ones. regardless, good job for figuring it out [SRA], and thank you for reading this site. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

5-16-2022 - May 16th, 2022 - 06:45

#212 - Dreams, Edition 2

Akasi:

i'm in a nerf war, and i'm fighting against the enemy team, it's got these cover/wall things that have these sections and they fold up, like exercise mats. i'm team leader against the instructor/teacher first, i have a portion of my team set aside as my "elite squad" and i have them ready to react at the word "dargrani" whatever the fuck that means, and i tell them to get ready, and the match starts, and i get quickly taken out, losing the game because that was the rules. we do another game and i ask our team leader to let me go full dark, and full "commando" sort of, and they say yes, and so i run to the other end with the enemy team as we're prepping for the match, sneak through this gate up to a playground thing, and i get set up up there with a sniper, and right before the match starts, as i load my nerf gun, and ready to fire, the dream ends, and i wake up sort of, but not fully, and roll over, and then i fall asleep again, and this time i'm back on the ship where [SIF] abused and raped me, i'm laying in bed and someone shoves their butt on me in a dream (dream inside the dream), and i wake up, roll off the bed, and stumble out of the room i was sleeping in and into the hall, i feel like i need to run from something, but i rationalise that the lights aren't red and i don't need to run because of that, and i stand there for a second, tense and filled with anxiety, and then the lights flick to red and i hear an alarm go off, and i hear this, almost whooshing sound from the hall to my right, and so i turn to that hall and begin backing up, and then this shadow person zooms out as a blue from the hall, like a perfect, fully formed silhouette, almost like a body suit, and it starts running at me, except it's legs aren't moving, and it's just sliding along the floor, or maybe it's moving too fast to perceive the legs, but it gets to me, grabs me by the neck, and chokes me, and i can't do anything, it's as if i'm in my Mortal body, i'm powerless, and i'm hanging here, elevated 3 feet off the ground and looking at the creature about a foot below my face, and it's just staring at me and it looks at me, but there's no face, like i said, it's as if there's a body suit, and it looks like cloth, and you can see the outline of a face, like the eye sockets where they dip into the face, and the nose sticking out slightly, and i can feel it staring at me and i feel as if it says something, maybe "you deserve this" or "prepare for retribution" maybe? something, but i don't hear words, it's like i feel it said to me as it chokes me, and it keeps choking me, and finally when i'm about to lose consciousness from lack of air, it snaps my neck and i get jolted awake in real life.

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that dream sucked, and i had a fucking panic attack from it, at least i think, or maybe an anxiety attack, i don't even know, i just know i was shaking like crazy, and that i was just-   really not okay. honestly i didn't expect to make another entry today, but i can tell my mental health is declining, like i can feel it just dropping and slowly declining. it sucks. i really fucking need therapy, but i can't get it right now because of betterhelp fucking kicking me off, which sucked. it's honestly just a mess. anyways, i really don't know what else to write, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

5-15-2022 - May 15th, 2022 - 03:59

#211 - Dreams, Edition 1

Akasi:

i'm on discord, i'm talking with people, and i mention to the owner about having some poetry/code stuff that i had, and about stats in a game, or GIFs or something of the sort, and we talk, and we're talking about sharing GIFs and other stuff, and i send a bit of code to them and they seem appreciative, but don't want to use it in server or whatever because it's mine, and i'm the coder who wrote it, but i don't care and say go ahead and they say that i should post that code along with the code from someone else in the server with the owner and that we should both make that code available, because it's powerful and useful or something else, and right before i post it, the dream ends.

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that was a weird dream from last night, but hey, i'm glad i posted it here before i forgot it. this is also gonna be the first in a series of entries where i'll write down my dreams and stuff in this format, where i kinda zone out and recall the memory during typing the first half, then do an "assessment portion" after that, or just skip the second half, but either way, i'm gonna try and post my dreams more and try to get better at that. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-14-2022 - May 14th, 2022 - 17:50

#210 - I Need Help, Again

Akasi:

well, i wrote a fucking 8,000 character vent just pouring my fucking heart out to the discord server i joined, and nobody noticed, or cares, or is willing to help because i'm just too fucking broken. and as i write this entry, someone just joined the server and has given me reason to leave. yay. coincidence loves to fuck with me. i need a fucking therapist. i really fucking do. i don't even know what to write here because i am so fucking broken. i'm gonna end this entry here. hope i see you in my next entry.

5-14-2022 - May 14th, 2022 - 08:39

#209 - I Wish I Noticed

Akasi:

well, [VGL] and i are 100% fully truly done for, not friends, not lovers, nothing. it sucks, because i realized her issue is that she can't use her emotions as fuel, and is stuck looking at the long term. like i was. i fucking hate it, but the only way she's going to get better is through pain and being forced to learn to look at the short term most of the time. i wish i could help her, but i can't. i told her to write me an essay if she wants to be friends, which is fair, and a good practice for her, but still, i doubt she'll ever do that, or ever add me back. who knows though, maybe in a few years i'll hear back from her magically, and we can be friends again, but we'll see. until then, well, it's over. there's not much else to say. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-13-2022 - May 13th, 2022 - 07:32

#208 - Every Fucking Time.

Akasi:

well, as per usual, every fucking time i get into a relationship, it blows up somehow, and this time? the girl was totally fine with what happened with what i did, it was her own issues that made this relationship not work. go fucking figure. and it's an issue that i don't know what it is, mostly because i've never felt or encountered it, so yeah, [VGL] and i are over. it's both our faults. and i also can't help her and i currently need to kill something, so yeah. fuck my life. but hey, i'll take rage, hate, spite, and malice over being sad. this is gonna be a fun week of chaos and hell.

5-13-2022 - May 13th, 2022 - 02:37

#207 - I Can't Find The Words

Akasi:

i don't know what to say to [VGL], what to do for her, i don't know what's going on inside her head and i wish i did because knowing how much i hurt her and not being able to do anything is killing me. all i can do is wait and i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, and i want to fix things, i want to fix us, and i want her to give me one final chance. honestly i felt this same way after my fuckup with [AFA], knowing there's no chance of fixing things, and i hate that it's the same with [VGL] as it was with them. i hate how much i hurt [VGL], and i hate that i was so, so fucking stupid, and i just-     it's like i get the feeling that she still cares for me in some manner, like she said when it happened that she sees my intentions were good, even if they were fucked up and it was a fucked up way of showing it, and then i just-      i don't know, it's like-        like i feel like she still cares for me in some way, but i know that i hurt her, and i know that i hurt her, and i just-        god i'm even typing things twice because i'm so consumed by this guilt of what i did, this regret, that i can't even think, and i just-       i hate that i am like this, and i hate that my mind works this way, and i hate myself, and i just-        i feel horrible. i hope i see you in my next entry, whoever reads this, whether that be in hours, minutes, or days, or never, because if i'm being honest, if i've ruined this completely, and [VGL] hates me then i'm afraid of what i might do. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this......

5-12-2022 - May 12th, 2022 - 21:14

#206 - I Need Help

Akasi:

well, i'm realizing i need help. i joined a new discord server thingy to hopefully help with that, even though i highly doubt that will happen before i somehow manage to fuck up. again. hopefully this doesn't go horribly. i hope to see you in my next entry.

5-12-2022 - May 12th, 2022 - 18:55

#205 - I Fuck Things Up Every Time, I Swear

Akasi:

well i just had to say goodnight to [VGL] and i couldn't say that i loved her. that hurt. but again, i know i have no right, and i hate that i fucked up this bad in a misguided attempt to show her i love her and care for her, i just-         i'm a fucking idiot, and as per usual, i destroy every ounce of happiness, or love, hope, caring, and everything i've gotten in a long time, and this seems to be yet another series of events that continually show me that i'm undeserving of love. i keep destroying everything and every relationship with people in my life and i hate it. i hate myself. hell, i literally prayed to one of the Immortal life religions i follow (there's two i follow from Immortal life) that she would give me one final chance at a relationship. i just want one more fucking chance, even if i know it's probably already too late......             i guess i'll see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.......

5-12-2022 - May 12, 2022 - 13:04

#204 - Fuckups

Akasi:

yet again i fuck up.....       the best relationship i've had in years and i fuck it up.....           i told [VGL] to add me back if she doesn't hate me, and otherwise to consider this a free ticket out, but i doubt she'll do anything but block me.............

5-11-2022 - May 11th, 2022 - 08:53

#202 - Why Are My Friends Like This?

Akasi:

well, it seems Aleena from Nebula System has decided to begin her own little "project" as a means to show me she cares, and because god forbid that girl have a life. she wanted to make this project to track coincidences, and for other people to report coincidences because she wants to see if coincidence fucking with me and her is a trend with anybody else, and so she literally is Making An Entire Website just for this project because she wants to. that link might not work at the time of posting, but still, there it is (she gave it to me before the site is up). so yeah, this should be interesting. also, to Aleena: as much as i appreciate this, you don't need to be this obsessive. back to my entry: this should be fun, even if Aleena abandons the project in a week, it'll be fun nonetheless because i do admit, coincidence loves fucking with me to such an extreme extent, so i'm curious to see what Aleena does with this. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

5-9-2022 - May 9th, 2022 - 21:42

#201 - Finally Healing & Fun

Akasi:

so [VGL] did something that i thought was impossible: they helped me heal from ZSA r*ping me. in a big way too, like this is a huge leap in the right direction, and the first in, well, ever. i just have no clue how to thank her, and i just-     i am in awe at how amazing she is & has been, and am so, so excited to see how much we get closer, grow, and bond over time. i'm so excited for the future, for once in my life i can actually be happy that i have a "tomorrow", instead of only thinking it will be another 24 hours of torment, i see it as a chance for anything now. i think this is the start of a lot of healing. it's gonna take a long as time, that's for damn sure. but i am so thankful to have [VGL]. to her: i love you, and words cannot express how much i love you. back to my entry: i am so excited. in unrelated news, my Mortal father and i played video games together so that was fun. it's funny, i've had dreams of all of this spanning back years but never payed any mind to them because of the randonymity of them, i didn't think they were precognitions, or anything like that, and yet, here i am, living them. if they turned out to all be true then i have a hell of a lot to look forward to <3. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-8-2022 - May 8th, 2022 - 01:08

#200 - GODDAMNIT I LOVE YOU

Akasi:

[VGL] FINALLY SAID YESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we're together : ) and i could not be happier, like OH MY GOD, my heart, i've had a rough couple days, but god i am so happy that she finally took the leap, and now, we get to start something beautiful, and i am so happy, and excited, and honoured, and i just feel so special, and OH MY GOD, [VGL] is so fucking nice, and kind, and lovable, and caring, and hot, and sexy, and dominating, and compassionate and just-    she has shown me more unconditional love in a little over week than a lot of people have in a month, and i am just-    i am so grateful i get to love her, so, so fucking grateful, and now, instead of the, you know, sexual aspect being like 40% of our relationship, now? now it's like 20-30%, and i get to show her that her commitment is damn worth the wait, and do all these cute little ideas i have for her, and that i could do for her, and show her that allowing me to love her was worth it, and is worth it, and show her that i am deserving, truly deserving of all the amazing things, feelings, and just-    her, that she has shown me. because while i may love her, and want her, and care for her, and just want to make her happy, i also believe that i am undeserving of everything that she has showed me, and i want to show her that i am. i also love being hers, belonging to her, and god, when she calls me her girlfriend i fucking melt, and when she says "you're mine, i want you, you're cared for, you're my girlfriend" it makes me just fall ever more in love, and like, i keep sending her romantic messages and stuff because i want her to know how much i care. and while i may do them less now that i get to call her mine every day, and have her call me hers every day, i still plan on those romantic messages, because i know how [VGL] has been misused, and so i know that to make her feel safe, and cared for, that i need to keep the sexual part of the relationship less than 50% of our relationship, and let the rest of it be emotional, and while the sexual stuff may give her a connection, whereas me, it doesn't do that as much, i still want to make sure she knows that she's loved, because holy fuck, i love this girl with all my fucking heart. granted i may also love [DEG] and [SGF] they know that i cycle who i give attention to, like i get OBSESSED with one person, then get obsessed with another, and then another, and another, usually cycling through the two of them and [SFZ] and now [VGL] as well. and they're fine with that, but for now? [VGL] is who i am obsessed with. granted she has testing this week for a new job of hers!!!! which is great!!!! but also sucks because i want attention. ooh!!!! maybe i could have sister night tonight and spend time with [SFZ] tonight, and also through the day along with texting [VGL]! that would work! that way i get the attention i so desperately crave, and [VGL] can focus on her testing stuff : ) ooh! i know what i gotta do! i gotta help her study so i'm gonna put together a study kit for her! like a digital one, but it's gonna have a playlist, and then it's gonna have study tips, and a notes taking method! yes! perfect, and i'll of course throw in some lesbian songs at intervals in the playlist, just so, you know, she'll be reminded of her gayness and of me hehe, because i don't want her mind to stray from thinking about the test, and me, i want those to be the only two things she thinks about (she knows i'm an object like her test because of being her fucktoy hehe). this is gonna be nice. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this : ) <3

5-6-2022 - May 6th, 2022 - 10:03

#199 - Definitions

Akasi:

firstly, i apologized to [VGL], and well, it seems that the reason [VGL] was unable to give me a decision because she's struggling with what love is. and i told her: it's feeling love from your partner, acting on it, and making sure you never give up, it's putting up with the pain that always comes, because it's worth it, but what i didn't tell her is that the pain? even while it may be stronger than other styles of relationship, with love, you and your partner are devoted to each other, and you have each other, and so the pain seems like nothing because you and your partner aren't alone in it, and it brings you closer together. the strongest relationships are the ones that are hardened by fire, tempered by devotion, and tested by pain, and that is something that i will live and die by. and so now, [VGL] knows what i think love is, knows what i want, knows that it is worth it to me, and has no reason to be afraid of love, and so, i told her to text me when she has an answer, which might be now, it might be in a week, but you know what? i'm actually feeling better about this, about the risk i'm taking, and i hope she is too. i just hope it all works out, because while i may be pretty sure that it will, i still worry, but you know what? i have hope, and honestly a good amount of not just trust, but faith in [VGL], and if nothing else, i know she's gonna do her best. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this, and to [VGL]: do me the honor of letting me love you for my 200th entry, please.

5-6-2022 - May 6th, 2022 - 08:22

#198 - I Can't Wait

Akasi:

so, [VGL] said she needs time, she needs to focus on a test thing she has going on, which while that's great, and all of that, and i care for her, she said she needs a break. she needs a fucking week long break. i know that not only am i gonna be hurt by the end of it, but it's gonna be hard to love her anymore because this? this fucking long? when i've already put so much effort in? it just fucking hurts, and i hid that so she doesn't see that she just ripped out my fucking heart, because i don't want to hurt her, like so many have in the past, but like, it's hard not to when she's saying that i'm worth the effort, but i'm not worth giving a chance to, like come on! even if you need to wait until tomorrow to say you love me, and take it slow during the tests in a few days, that i'm fine with because then we'll be together. now, while i acknowledge that it would probably not be the best week and be a not so great start to a relationship, it's just like-   i fucking hate that this shit always happens, like come on! i fucking love you [VGL], and yet she rips out my fucking heart. like i made a fucking 11 minute video that's just pure fucking romance and cute shit that i recorded 3 days ago because i was SURE that i would get to be with her, because she has been so nice to me, and kind, but then she says she needs a break from me? before we even start dating? i just-  i don't even know how to feel because i also told her not 5 minutes beforehand that I have been emotionally manipulated. which like, it was going well, i'm talking to her, making her feel good, and safe, and then bang, she says she needs a break from me, like seriously?!?!? this stuff always fucking happens, and because coincidence loves to fuck with me I WILL BET YOU that she's gonna message me during this time and say "hey, this isn't gonna work out, i'm sorry" and just stomp on my heart, i will fucking bet you she will. and i said we could be friends if i'm not too hurt, granted i implied the not being too hurt bit, but still, that? with how huge of a risk this is already, and my luck, i doubt this is gonna do anything but hurt me, but hey! at least i see it coming, so when she does stomp on my heart like literally fucking everyone else has, i can just tell her i called it and remove her as a friend. maybe i'll ghost her for a week, with my suicidal ideation she would probably worry that i killed myself, which would be just a perfect emotional manipulation just like she seems to be getting ready to do. now while i admit, she hasn't exactly hurt me yet, i'm a little hurt knowing that she would do something like this after everything i've done for her and she's done for me and just everything between us. i'm just so sick of being hurt and manipulated and having my heart beaten to shit and stomped on over and over again. so this is me, placing my bets on getting hurt again, and getting ready for the inevitable downward spiral of chaos and bad decisions that i will begin shortly after said event happens. and hey, if by some fucking miracle this girl comes back, and manages to get me to open up again to her after closing down from being afraid of getting hurt, which will probably take a few hours, then i'm gonna let her romance me and just turn into a fucking puddle, and let this happen and fulfill everything i imagined this relationship would be, and then whoever reads this, gets to read entries of me actually being fucking happy in my life for once. now that i have had a chance to let that out, i can admit a couple things, one is that i love this girl, and that if she doesn't run away, then this will be not only the biggest, but also the most worthwhile risk i will have ever taken, and restore just a little bit of my faith in humanity, a second being that if this girl, idk, sends me messages on a couple of the days saying she can talk for a few minutes before bed, i will be extremely happy, although surprised, a third being that i admit while this decision is logical, it puts me, my emotions, and my heart at a huge risk, and that terrifies me, and a fourth, lastly, being that my biggest fear is not this girl hurting me directly and intentionally, or abandoning me, it's that she changes her mind, changes her opinion of me while we're taking a break. i just want one fucking thing in my life to work out for once. have [VGL] come back in a week, romance me into a puddle, call me her babygirl over and over, and tell me she loves me, and then have a beautiful relationship. that's what i want, but i know it's gonna take a fucking miracle for it to happen, and that is what hurts and scares me because my life? nothing but shitty things, and sure as hell no goddamn miracles, hell, a girl i dated got a fucking concussion and her sexuality changed (science says it can happen, shockingly) and so we broke up because of that. and if that, a freak accident like that will ruin the longest relationship i've had, what the fuck is gonna happen with [VGL], the one girl who's made me happier than i've been in months, who i'm taking a huge risk with. i think you see the potentiality for things to go wrong being about tenfold higher than they are for a normal person because of coincidence loving to fuck with me and destroy any happiness i get. i hope to see you in my next entry, whether that be in 2 weeks because i'm pretending i'm dead to hurt [VGL], or in a week when she romances me into a puddle, or sooner when she nearly inevitably hurts me, or decides for some fucking reason that she wants to start dating now, and be together, and romances me into a puddle then, even though, we all know that won't happen. i hope to see you in my next entry, whenever it ends up.

5-4-2022 - May 4th, 2022 - 17:50

#197 - Touching On Trauma

Akasi:

so [VGL] reads my site, and well, she said we need to talk about things, namely what we are to each other, and so, we did, and i said some really meaningful, and deep things and she comes back and says "crying"  which i asked "happy tears?" and she said "It's...weird. They're not happy but not sad either. You just hit something" and it's funny, i was the same way when someone said something that really hit me, and resonated with me, and it's happened about, maybe 25 times in my Mortal life, and it took me a while but i finally figured out what it is: it's when someone touches on your trauma, or touches on your heartstrings, and plucks them, it's almost always one of the two, and i told her that it's her heartstrings being plucked, ones she didn't know exists, because she needs time to reflect on this, especially because it seems like this is the first time someone has touched on her trauma, or plucked her heartstrings, and i know how intense it is, even when you've felt it before, it never loses this aching intensity, and it just sucks the breath out of you, makes you feel weak, and makes you just melt, essentially, because when it happens, you need to really notice why it made you feel like that, along with any others, and i know [VGL] needs to reflect on this, and think, and really understand what exactly it is that i hit within her heart, because that, that's one of the key things to getting truly better from trauma, and while i may not know what hers is, i have a hunch there's something, and if it's the alternative, and it's just me plucking heartstrings of hers that she didn't know existed, then she needs to reflect on this, and think, and really realize just how it makes her feel. i also feel bad because it seems like it's not very many times that she's felt that, and if i'm being honest i've only felt it when it was romance, hell, maybe once, if not never, in Mortal or Immortal life. regardless, she went to take a shower, let the water clear her head, which is good, i just hope she clears it and decides to stick with me, keep giving me a chance, and stick around, despite having a fear of commitment, i really hope that she's willing to keep trying. regardless of what's going on in [VGL]'s beautiful mind, i just hope she's keeping her heart safe, and will still allow me to keep the special place i seem to have in it. anyways, i think i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this, and i hope to see you stick around until entry #200, which it seems like i'll hit soon. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-3-2022 - May 3rd, 2022 - 20:30

#196 - Luv Is Beautiful

Akasi:

well, after sending a long and romantic message to [VGL] she has decided to be FWB at the very least, and so, today, i was dominant with her, because, well, i may be a subby bitch but i'm a switch, even if that top energy RARELY comes out to play. and so, it was really fun because like, GOD SHE'S SUCH A GOOD GIRL, like holy shit, she was nice, and obeyed me, and, i even sent her a few uhh, lewd photos *awkward chuckle* so yeah, that was fun, and she's like SO FUCKING NICE, and she understands me really well, even the trans stuff! she just understands me so nicely, and in so many ways, even ones i never expected, and today was just-    god it was so nice, like she's so sweet, and kind, and loving, and lovable, and just gah! i fucking luv her to bits. it's also nice because she even has a job interview tomorrow! which is fantastic, and so, i had her play with herself before bed, and then tease herself into relaxation, like guided meditation, that sort of thing, except uhh, sexual lol, so yeah, it was so nice. in unrelated news: me and my mom got to go to the mall for our birthday trip because as i said, my B-Day is around this time, and hers is too, and so i got 3 plushies (two of which i may or may not have coerced her into getting lmfao), and i got some AMAZING skateboard bearings for my Heelys, which is great, they're almost $100 lmfao, but holy FUCK they are good, so that's nice, and i also got these cool hexagonal lights that are FANCY AND AWESOME. so that's great. oh, and the funny thing? i've been dominating [VGL] the whole time during the trip, all afternoon, honestly almost all day today lol, and like, it was a really nice test of my composure lmfao. which i kept flawlessly, nobody ever noticed, and i was damn sure of it. oh, and, i had 2 dreams last night about [VGL] which was great, although FUCK they were very much so lewd and turning on lmfao. but yeah, things with [VGL] have been absolutely fantastic, and i just-    god i fucking luv her : ) she's just so, so nice, and our vibes are nice, and we just fucking CLICK, so perfectly, and i love it. i'm just overwhelmed with how much i luv her, even if i really mean love, she's not ready to hear that, but i fucking luv her, and i'm just enjoying these undefined moments and days while she figures out what she wants. and to [VGL]: yes, i used that specific wording to remind you of my words, and that i mean them because i'm a hopeless romantic. back to my entry: i've just been loving how [VGL] makes me feel, and just-  god everything about her, because she is absolutely amazing, like this girl makes me cry with tears of joy just thinking about her, like she doesn't even know how much i think about her, and just how much i can not get her out of my head, and i love how much i think about her, even if i can hardly think of anything else. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry <3

5-1-2022 - May 1st, 2022 - 21:08

#195 - NSFW Fun

Akasi:

so [VGL] and i are, well, already at NSFW stuff today, like, roleplay, and like, she asked like about my comfortability and like, about dysphoria, and like, it reminded me about the fact that she's been treated as the "fun girl" the girl who is only used for NSFW stuff and dropped, and like, i know i'm not that kind of person but i worry if she'll perceive my behaviour tomorrow (however it may be) as that, because i really fucking love this girl, like oh my god, i just really want her to like me back, and like, it looks like we're going good, but yeah, still, i worry about fucking up, as always. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here and update whoever reads this tomorrow. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

5-1-2022 - May 1st, 2022 - 14:48

#194 - Updates

Akasi:

firstly: HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY NEBULA SYSTEM. had to address my only public friend lol. anyways, my birthday is also around this time, but i won't give you the exact date because, well, i don't want this blog to be traceable lol. anyways, i met someone new! she's shockingly similar to [AFA], but now that i know everything i do from [AFA], i know how to keep my shit together and not fuck up with this girl like i did with them. also the girl's name will be [VGL] on this site. i also gotta add people's names because i haven't done that in a while, done a round of encoding. i might also change my encoding method sometime soon, or maybe never, who knows. anyways, yeah, things with [VGL] have been great, like i just-    it's been great. like she is sweet, and caring, and loving, but also strong, and, firm, which is like, really good, considering my fuckup with [AFA] was pressing and crossing boundaries because i misunderstood shit they said. honestly i'm still picking up the pieces from them hating me, partly because they're the first person in a while who made me feel, like, wanted? like not, wanted exactly, but, made me feel like i was "in demand" like they liked me and wanted me, yeah, they wanted me and liked me, which is like, i realised the other day while i was thinking and talking to myself that the biggest thing that makes me fall for people is them making me feel wanted and liked, because i have just been kicked to the curb so much, so many times in my life i've been thrown away like unwanted, useless garbage, which, given how often i fuck up is fair, but like-    i really try not to, like i really try to not fuck up, and i really try to be better, and yet i keep fucking doing it. it just hurts how much, how badly, how often, and how easily i fuck up, idk, there's this part of me that says that [VGL] is WAY too good for me, which is entirely true because, well, she is. and yet, somehow she likes me, and thinks i'm attractive. hell, i sent her the one lewd photo i've ever taken of myself on day one, so yeah. of course consensual, and she sent some less than SFW pictures first, but like-    a part of me regretted that, because i like-    i was acting the same way that day as i did with [AFA], and i just-     i don't know, i just worry i'm going to fuck up with [VGL] because like-   i really fucking like this girl, like oh my god. i'm falling in love, hardcore, and like, it's been a long time since i've done that, and yet, here i am. anyways, yeah, it's just-    i don't know, it's just hard to like, not worry about fucking up, especially when it's like, you've been hurt as much as i have. like i've been listening to 1121 by Halsey this entire time, and like, it's because i connect with it, like the line "But I won't die for love, but ever since I met you, You could have my heart, and I would break it for you" is true, like, i don't die for love (at least not permanently), but this girl-     my god, and it's like i know i'm taking a huge risk with my heart, but it's just-     [VGL] is worth it, like really worth it. then the lines "But I've got a body here to bury, And if truth be told, it's scary, 'Cause my shoulders are heavy already" i connect with those because like, i'm violent, i'm aggressive, and i am so far beyond overprotective, like to an extreme extent, and a lot of people don't like the fact that if someone hurts them, i'm asking to kill the person who hurt them, and because i can use magic, mean it, 100%, it scares people, and like-   i don't want to scare off [VGL] but like, i also want to keep her safe, and protect her, and like, take her in my arms, hold hold her, just fragile like glass, as if she is beyond special, because she is to me, and like, i know we met literally just a couple days ago, but like-     [VGL] is just so amazing, and so, so worth all the effort to me, and like, i really want to have the privilege of loving her, i really fucking do. and then back to the lines "And, yeah, I know, The parts of myself that I've hated, And I can't tell which ones are mine, and which I created" references the fact that there's a lot of parts of myself that i hate, namely my apparent proficiency in fucking up, and i don't know what parts of myself i've just, created, because of having stolen personality traits as a kid (because of Autism), and like, taken from the toxic people i've gotten attached to, and other sources, then the line "I try to be careful with the thing inside my chest" references the fact that i always guard my heart, like to an extreme extent, which is part of why me feeling things this strongly, and letting down my walls with [VGL] absolutely terrifies me and makes me ten times more terrified to fuck up, and hurt her, and push her away, because i know how much it'll hurt if she left me, and then that's all just ignoring the fact that she might drop me like everyone else has, just throw me away, like garbage, and just-    get rid of me. i don't even know what to say because i see how much of a risk this is, but i also see how amazingly it will pay off if she gives me the privilege of getting to love her, which i know being allowed to love someone is a privilege, it really is, and honestly it's one of the things i want from her, along from her wanting to be given the privilege to love me, and to love me, because i really do fucking love this girl, like i'm falling in love so much, and like, i want her to love me back. and even then, like, i know that she's not ready to hear me say that, to hear me tell her i love her, and i know that saying it this early on, even if i do fall for people and get attached quick, is a little, well, it's definitely fast, and a little misguided, or, no, not misguided exactly, god, how do i put this? illogical, and, hmmm.....      illogical and hasty, there, yeah, i know saying i love her this fast is illogical and hasty, but like, when i get feelings for someone, god, they're so fucking intense. but i just have to wait, let her tell me when she's ready, even if all i want is to say to her i love her, i need to wait until she says it first, because i'm the one that initiated the flirting, i'm the one that sort of started all of this domino effect, so i need to let the domino of me saying i love her, and her saying it back, i need to let those dominos be completely hers to tip over whenever she's ready, whenever she wants, because if i don't, that's pressuring, which is the same fucking mistake i made with [AFA], and i'll be damned if i make the same mistake again, but if patience is what it takes, patience i will have to have because [VGL] is just, so worth it, she really is. another unrelated thing is like, she's had very few relationships, and 2/3 have been just-    like the other person threw her away, and like, i can tell that like, she's been through a lot of pain, like i have, i guess it's part of why her and i understand each other because we've been through pain, and like, i keep hoping she'll open up to me about it, because i really want her to rely on me, give and take, like, i do it with all my friends, like i want them all to like, let me help them, lean into me, let me take care of them at least a little bit, but that, opening up to me, i can tell it's gonna take her a while, but like, i really want her to, like if nothing else just vent a little, here and there, because that brings us closer, and helps me understand the person, and i really want to understand [VGL] in full, like every aspect of her because like, that's what i do when i love someone, i get a little obsessed and remember everything they say, i remember all sorts of stuff about them, and i remember it near flawlessly, and i do it because it shows i care, it shows i listen, and, you know, it's nice to do regardless. anyways, honestly i just have been feeling a lot of emotions lately. anyways, i think that's about all i have to write here for now. i'll probably make more entries soon, and i'm sorry for not making entries for like a week, to whoever reads this, i've just been a little numb, but yeah. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

4-23-2022 - April 23rd, 2022 - 12:30

#193 - Emotions

Akasi:

well, i tried to win [AFA] back. they blocked me on my alt account. i'm still fucking crying, even two hours later, i'm fucking bawling my eyes out...        i just miss them, and i miss [UAG] and i just am so fucking sick of this pain of losing people every single fucking day it feels like, like i just-      i keep fucking losing people, and it hurts like hell, and i just-      i don't even know if i can take it, i don't know if i can fight enough to keep myself alive. i just don't even know......        i wish that i could just have one person in my life who cares, and who i truly fucking click with, but nope. i'm a mess. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one, if i still have a will to live by that time.....

4-20-2022 - April 20th, 2022 - 00:15

#192 - Self Harm

Akasi:

well, i've been slipping back into my old habits with BPD of telling people i'm cutting, which has been sucking, and i don't really have anyone to talk to about it when it happens, which also sucks, so yeah. i honestly fucking hate it. i just need one good fucking friend when i get like this, and be able to rely on them and lean on them while i'm in these phases, but here's the thing: my one close friend, [PMF] has been busy with his girlfriend, which sucks, and then there's the fact that like, i sent him a tiktok trying to express something that took years for me to find the words to express, and he just sends this basic "oh yeah that sucks, it's hard enough with this and that", which is like-    the tiktok is about me suppressing my emotions and never being able to talk about them and express them because nobody is willing to accept them, or i need to help others handle their emotions, or i'm getting mine invalidated, which sucks worse, and it's like-     you're sending me a pretty well cookie cutter response, with no thought when i've been an emotional mess and i'm fucking crying? it's like-     with [AFA] i was able to take my emotions out of the box and express them, and i have been trying to keep taking them out of the box instead of pushing them back in and never expressing them but it's like-     all i'm getting is hurt, and yelled at, and invalidated about my emotions and it's like-     i don't even know, it's practically gaslighting me into thinking my emotions aren't supposed to be something i connect with, or that like, i shouldn't feel them? or like i shouldn't have them? but i do and it's like-    god it fucking sucks because i can never, EVER show my emotions with people, otherwise they hate me if i show them, or say i'm overreacting, or a bitch, or this or that and i just fucking HATE IT, because i just-    i just want someone to vent to, to talk to, who cares and appreciates my emotions, cares, and actually seems to like them, which the thing is that with [AFA]? they were the first person who wanted to see my emotions, to see me in full, which is probably why i loved them so much and wanted them in my life, and why i can't stop thinking about how they treated me, and like, how good it was, like even when we fought and yelled, like they still seemed to care and afterwards, like, we got closer, at least a little, but i just-    i don't know. maybe them seeming like they wanted to see my emotions was all just a façade and so i showed them and hurt them by showing my emotions, or, i don't know....     god and even that, right there, thinking my emotions are the problem, i also struggle with that, and it's like-     i just want one, good friend who wants to see my emotions, and wants me to let them out, and cares when i do, and tries to help me when i'm having a hard time, and tries to help me when i'm hurting, like i just-     i don't even know anymore.....         hell, maybe i'm the problem, or maybe me saying that is just more of me having been invalidated and almost gaslit for years on end, i don't know, i just-         i just want one good friend, for fuck's sake. i'm gonna end this entry here and cry, shove my emotions down, or distract myself from my emotions until i forget that they exist....

4-19-2022 - April 19th, 2022 - 16:04

#191 - Closure

Akasi:

well, i apologized to [AFA] and got closure, and ended on an okay note. which is a hell of a lot better than where we were. i also mentioned i never blocked them, which i didn't, hell, i tried adding them back about a dozen times until now but i was blocked (i used an alt account to apologize). they're always gonna hate me, because i've kept making roughly the same mistake, now 3 times with them, but now at least i know what it is, fully and entirely, and they know i haven't blocked them so if they decide they want to do something reckless they can add me back (though they never will). if nothing else this is an ending i'm ok with. i'm gonna end this entry here, but before i do: to [AFA] if you're reading this: i wish you the best.

4-18-2022 - April 18th, 2022 - 23:34

#190 - Embracing Chaos

Akasi:

well, i have finally figured out another way to try and live my life - by embracing the chaos and the chaotic nature of ME and just going along with it, which hey, trying to live like this might work, and might FINALLY be how i'm supposed to live my life, which if it is, then THANK GOD, i finally figured it out, so yeah. also to update from my last entry, that girl is ok, i got ahold of her local PD who will do a wellness check, so we're good hopefully.

4-18-2022 - April 18th, 2022 - 15:29

#189 - 3 Hours

Akasi:

3 Hours. that's the title of this entry because that's how long i talked to this girl. who this girl is you ask? a random girl from omegle, who told me about being r*ped, and tons of other awful things who i called her local PD to get a wellness check for. i went on omegle looking for interesting and i got this girl, like i always say: coincidence loves to fuck with me. this girl told me about all the horrible things that happened to her, being touched, used, abused, and just being treated horribly, and i just-    i'm still processing it because of how awful it is. this entry is probably one of the most serious i've ever written, and one of the most serious occurrences that i've talked about on this site. it's just-     it's shocking some of the things that happen sometimes. between [AGI] deciding to cancel, and me meeting this girl, i'm not gonna be okay for a while, so i'll either write here a lot or be totally MIA for a bit, we'll see. i hope to see you in my next entry.

4-17-2022 - April 17th, 2022 - 23:18

#188 - Coincidence Loves To Fuck With Me, Edition 2

Akasi:

well, i write an entry here, put my clothes in the dryer for tomorrow, and begin to get ready for the date, start thinking about a shower and when to take one and all that usual stuff, annnnd....    [AGI] cancelled our date last minute. god i fucking love how coincidence fucks with me sometimes, like the one time i'm going all in for a girl in Mortal life for once, like i have with e-dating girlfriends, the girl cancels. i'm gonna go on omegle and hope that tonight gets better, or i'll get enough anger from the cunts that inhabit omegle to finally lose my shit and just, idk, fucking break something. i'm gonna end this entry here as i'm barely keeping my shit together.

4-17-2022 - April 17th, 2022 - 21:45

#187 - Music Is Amazing

Akasi:

i've always said that when i leave this mudball of a planet, i'm going to miss the cuisine and entertainment, like Netflix, Music and such, and, well, i like a lot of Mortal food, and so i've had Welcome To The Internet by Bo Burnham on loop lately, and goddamnit is it true of how the internet is lmfao, it's just crazy accurate and the internet is a crazy place, and i've been loving the song. other than that i actually ummm, i actually have a date tomorrow heh, it's my first Mortal life date in 4 years, and even then, the other 3 i've had were all really just hanging out and not an actual date, which, i guess for me it's hard to separate friends from partners, but like-    i don't know, i've always struggled with boundaries, so i'm like, worried about that, but aside from that, like i can fucking FEEL the pre-date panic setting in, like i'm kinda losing my shit internally, like, in Immortal life, i know i look hot, i have nice clothes, i'm powerful with incantations and stuff so i can impress people with magic and stuff, and like, i'm used to going to fancy restaurants and stuff, and like, the etiquette, and i guess what it is is that i'm used to having a lot on my side that make me attractive, powerful magic, fuck tons of money, (i'm rich as hell in Immortal life (yes i donate tons of it daily)) knowing all sorts of cool and romantic places to go to and being able to whisk them off on a little adventure, like in the woods or something on a nature walk, or a hike in high mountains, or some other super cool spot, like i know of hidden lakes we can teleport to in Immortal life, but here? i don't have that, like i'm used to sort of, putting on a show, like being romantic on dates with magic and cool stuff, i guess i could learn sleight of hand? it would be cool, but it's not as much a skill that's super useful, idk. maybe i'm just overestimating how much magic and stuff i used on dates in Immortal life, like maybe i used less and more of it was me, which, even then, i don't have the best clothes in Mortal life to wear, and even then, my most comfy outfit would be a combat suit, like what Alex Danvers wears in the Supergirl TV show, that's what i'd be most comfortable in, but where i buy a combat suit? no fucking clue, and in Mortal life i'd adapt it to fit under my favorite leather jacket, but like-    i don't know, i guess i'm just going through the usual motions and emotions and thoughts that Mortals do before a date, but still, i worry what [AGI] will think of me. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, build a checklist of what to do tomorrow before the date, and just in general get myself as ready as i can.

ok post-writing note: after proofreading (i do this before posting all entries so i don't have to edit any) i realize that me having money and power is stereotypically, idk, not something that should play a big part, but still, it's a comfort knowing i have that there. even just the magical power because it makes the person know i can keep them safe with that magical power, idk, i guess this is my insecurities just starting to fucking scream. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, for real lol. i hope to see you in my next one.

4-17-2022 - April 17th, 2022 - 00:54

#186 - Why Do Things HURT SO MUCH

Akasi:

god i've been thinking about [UAG] and [AFA] so fucking much these last few days, like i miss both of them, like i mildly hate both of them, and they both hate me, but it's like-   i just-   i don't fucking know what the hell is wrong with me. i mean [UAG] and i were chosen family siblings (look how well that turned out) and then [AFA] and i were, idk, friends i guess, yeah, friends with benefits i think is the best term for whatever the fuck we were. but it's like, i still miss them so fucking much. god i miss so many people from my life, like i just fucking hate how much i miss people so fucking much. i know it's just my abandonment issues and BPD making me feel so horrible, and empty, and lonely, and wanting people back, but i just-     i don't know. i'm just a mess right now so i'm gonna go to bed and end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry

4-12-2022 - April 12th, 2022 - 23:31

#185 - Yet The Fuck Again.....

Akasi:

so there's this girl on this dating app that i met today and we've been talking and it's great, and it's like-     we're moving as fast as i want to, almost, like i would move a tad faster, but she's oddly totally fine with the moving faster, and like we got to talking about sex and kink and shit, and like-   i said something in spoilers in bleeps with an NSFW warning prior, and then she said she was uncomfortable bc she's ace and sex repulsed right now and all i can think of is that this is the same problem with [AFA], like i just-     i don't know. honestly [AFA] leaving has really fucked me up, even if they had flaws, i fucking loved them to bits, but i guess add them to the list of people who have abandoned me. anyways, with this girl from the dating app, who i'll call [AGI] i guess, and so, with [AGI] it's like-    god i know this might seem like an overreaction but it's like-    am i becoming like [SIF], a fucking r*pist? like i've made 2 fuckups in a couple weeks like this, and like, i know what [SIF] did and i know that almost all of my Immortal bloodline from that rebirth is sex criminals (it sucks and i hate them) and i really hate myself for even feeling the need to ask that question, but still, it's a concern i have because of the fact that almost all my blood relatives from that rebirth are all r*pists, pedos, and perverts and other horrible people, and i just-     i'm just a fucking mess, and i hate that i keep making fuckups because of boundaries, like-      why can nobody just say "here's my line, here's what you need to do to cross it, so don't do those things, and this is another line, if you cross this you'll slightly annoy me but i won't hate you, and if you do this list of things you'll cross it. are we clear? cool", or something like that, i just-     i don't know. and the worst part is this isn't some e-dating thing where if i fuck up in any way, it's block and move on, it's where i fuck up, and i'm getting put in jail, even though i'm misunderstanding where the line is because i'm too fucking stupid. god maybe i should just try and let [AGI] down easy tonight and block her because i'm worried i'm going to go too far. i don't fucking know what to do. i'm gonna end this entry here, hopefully an idea of how to fix this will come to me.....

4-8-2022 - April 8th, 2022 - 20:08

#184 - Distractions

Akasi:

well, i texted [REG] asking to talk and for a distraction because i wanted to cut, and then cut anyways because i couldn't stop myself, and so now she texted back, and we're talking so i guess there's that, anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one.

4-8-2022 - April 8th, 2022 - 11:53

#183 - Sleeping Girlfriends

Akasi:

firstly, i fucked up on the date in my last entry (oops). anyways, last night, [SFZ] and [SGF] had an argument last night, but this morning it was all good, and apparently [SGF] decided to not sleep, and so she slept in my room, in my bed, and has been for the past few hours, along with [DEG] who i had come over as well to sleep with [SGF] (because i thought she might want to), and so they've been here sleeping and i just can't help but worry about them, keep checking on them, keeping an eye on them, opening the curtain and making sure they're ok, and just making sure they're safe. when they sleep they're just-    so adorable, and the goodness in them really shines, and it's just, it's really nice seeing them at peace, sleeping without a care in the world, just calm, at peace, safe. it's truly nice seeing them like that, and it's always been something i've loved is when my partner or friends are comfortable enough to fall asleep in the room, or on call with me, and let me keep an eye on them, i've always loved it, sort of, idk, "watching over them" as silly as it sounds. i guess it's because with [SFZ] i used to do that, let her sleep and keep an eye on her, and sleep in a time flux when we were on the ship with [SIF], but i don't know. anyways, it's just nice being able to be here with them, keep them safe when they're vulnerable, and not just when they're asleep, which, part of it is because i would like that favor to be returned, have them keep me safe when i'm vulnerable, and just-    i don't know, i guess i have a thing for people with a savior complex because i sort of have one and want those feelings to be reciprocated. i don't know, whatever reason, i love [SGF] and [DEG] so fucking much, i love them to bits, along with [SFZ] as well. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

4-8-2022 - April 7th, 2022 - 08:46

#182

Akasi:

honestly i'm just a mess, you know my mental state is messy when i can't even title the entry. currently i'm just tired, messed up in the head, hurt, and honestly just a mess. i'm about to start playing GTA 5 though so we'll see how well that cheers me up, but yeah. figured i'd update whoever reads this, keep making entries. i've been doing good of making at least an entry every other day, which is good, and it's been helping, so yeah. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

4-7-2022 - April 7th, 2022 - 21:24

#181 - I'm.....   Rattled...

Akasi:

so, that dream? not a dream, and he was trapping me in a spell, which was a time loop torture spell, which i managed to get out of and kill the guy (for real). so that sucked. anyways with that, my recent suicide attempts, i've been just-      i'm rattled from all of it, and with how hurt i am about losing [AFA] (one of the few people i was close with), and how messy my mental state has been, it just-      i'm just a mess honestly, and it sucks. i'm gonna end this entry here now, i guess i'll make another one tomorrow or the day after and try to make it longer, but yeah, i hope to see you in my next entry.

4-6-2022 - April 6th, 2022 - 04:31

#180 - Things Hurt

Akasi:

i'm still fucking hurt from [AFA] blocking me. it just sucks that i can't have one fucking long term friend. i mean i have [PMF] but he and i aren't the closest, it's not the super close relationship i have with some people. i just wish i had one fucking long term friend, one that will stay with me, stay close, care, and not fucking abandon me, like-    i guess another person like [SFZ] but like-    i don't know. i just wish i could have one close friend. i mean i have bumble, but like, idk, i just fucking wish i could find one close friend. anyways, aside from the lifelong issue of me being a lonely bitch, i had a weird dream last night. i was in my room, and used a rune and this guy appeared, and he started touching me and like, as if we were together and like i backed away and was disgusted by him, and he came closer and i shoved him off and killed him with magic, and then the dream ended. anyways, i don't know, my head is a bit of a mess, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

4-5-2022 - April 5th, 2022 - 01:50

#179 - I'm Ok, I Think

Akasi:

well, i'm not gonna write about [AFA] ever again unless they come back in our life, past this: i hope they come back, i see what they meant about running and they're a hypocrite, telling me not to run and then they run away and block us (far worse than i ever thought to do), yes the relationship did kind of blow up because i misunderstood and they did too, and it was a whole fuckup on both our parts, i think we could have at least talked it out with one another to at least get to a neutral point, even take a break from one another for a bit, just anything other than them running. now, yes they had red flags (i admit i see them now) i still care about them and think we could've been friends, i just had to get over my feelings for them, which mission fucking accomplished. to [AFA]: i hope you have a great life, i'm sorry for how Winchester went about what he did, and if you ever want to add us back, you're not blocked as of now. back to my readers and my entry: anyways, that's done, i'm gonna try and just forget about them, move on, because that's about all i can do at this point. yesterday i admit that i umm, i tried to kill myself in the Inner World, so i would have ceased to exist as an Alter, but still, i just-      i'm a mess still, but i'm alive. an old friend came back shockingly, apparently she wanted to apologize to me and stuff, and found the website i use for my usual online alias, the one like Aleena's Site that i made for myself (again with her help lol), and found our discord and all that, so it already came in handy for me, and got [OJF] back in my life, which is great. honestly i missed her and regretted how things went with her, my problem was she never felt like she cared, like couldn't take anything seriously, just had to life life like it was some giant joke, with jokes in between every conversation and action, and like, it was really hard because in friendships, i look for a close, meaningful, mutually caring relationship, where we both care a lot about each other, which i cared about her a lot, and still do, but back then with all the jokes it didn't feel like she cared, but now, now she has this ability to be a bit more serious, and formal, which is honestly a huge improvement, hell, i fucking luv her for that and i'm proud of her for getting better and coming back in my life. it's funny, the coincidence of the fact that hours after [AFA] blocks me, [OJF] comes back after bettering herself, god coincidence loves to fuck with me, but this coincidence? it's one i'm ok with. maybe [AFA] will come back after a while, but i guess we'll see. god it's funny, lately my life has oddly been getting a lot better, and normally this is where it would all fall apart, but i just-    i oddly feel like i'm gonna be okay this time around. maybe it's because i have [PMF] and [OJF] in my life, but i don't know. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, play some video games and try to collect my thoughts. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

4-4-2022 - April 4th, 2022 - 11:49

#178 - Patterns, Always Fucking Patterns

Winchester:

well, Akasi asked me to take control, call out [AFA] fix shit with them, make sure that the relationship is fixed, and so i did, (i hardly had to re read because Akasi is fucking colorblind to red flags) and they just fucking blocked us after saying "i honestly dont care anymore. I am trying so hard but theres just no fucking point". it's funny how after one call out people just shatter, especially when i told them that i wasn't trying to hurt them. to [AFA] if you're reading this: you being one of The Fallen is a privilege, if i had my way you'd be one of The Unavenged, keep that in mind, and i personally advise you start running. Angels killed our sister, and i think you sparked within Akasi a renewed hate for your dying species, but you sure as hell did with me. i advise you run. farther than you've ever fucking run before. or as it's said in Ancient Enochian, or True Enochian, ektush ekletha sikarth sermo azaram sikez tizerum. to the people reading this: you have no need to worry, i do not mean Mortals, Angels are Immortal species, but don't be watching or praying for any halos for those of you who believe. i doubt Akasi will write here for a while, but we'll see. i hope you return, unless you're [AFA], then i hope you go to hell, otherwise i hope you return.

4-4-2022 - April 4th, 2022 - 09:47

#177 - Misunderstanding

Akasi:

so, i texted [AFA] saying i love them, and like how i'm stupidly in love with them and all that, and like-    they replied "i get that" after about 10 minutes, like, that's all, like-     i just feel like it had just no emotion or anything behind it, and then i apologized and asked if i was misunderstanding how they felt for me, because they've been saying they love me, love, not luv, love, which i told them i only use for like, crush/partners, and they would know this, they do know this, they must, and i mean even if they don't remember me telling them, like-   if they're using it and like, don't want to be together like i kinda thought, then it's just a manipulation, and - quite frankly - a cruel one at that, and like, that's not who [AFA] is or has been, they've been loving, caring, endlessly kind, and yes i know that's ignoring the flaws, but they do have some and i can acknowledge that, but still, and like then i explained i think i might be misunderstanding, all that, and i then said after a while with no reply, "just umm, nevermind......" and they like, said they said they were busy, which they did say, but like, i'd think i'd get like something like "i can't reply properly right now but i'll text you in a bit, don't worry, i just need a bit" or something like that, and like, i know that like, this sounds like i'm overreacting, but like, this could potentially be a big misunderstanding on my end, and lead to another fuckup, and i would feel horribly if it is, and then on the other end, if they're saying love because they want to lead me on that's just plain cruel when i've like, made it clear that if they're not ready to say something like that that it's fine, and like they haven't told me what's going on, like why they're busy, and why they've been busy the past few days which, granted i haven't asked, but i don't want to press boundaries, and like i'm worried they're shutting down and thinking they can't communicate with me again, and are giving vague replies so i'll shut up (they seemed to do that prior to my initial fuck up) and it's like-   we were doing so good, and i let my guard down with them, and trusted them, and am trying so hard to be better, but it's like they're making it so hard for me to be in their life, and not fuckup, and i'm really trying this time but i just am so terrified of everything coming apart at the seams, and like, i'm worried i fucked up again, and like i've been trying to be patient and be understanding, i mean they even said they might be ace, which they said it's not me but-     there's this part of me (granted it's the paranoid part) that thinks they're lying or something and like, they're really doing all this to get me at a distance so i'll stop instead of telling me we have an issue despite all my attempts to make sure that we're ok and that they will address things if we have an issue, and like-     i guess i'm just terrified of making the same mistake or one similar and having my life just fall apart because of it, and so i'm worrying and overthinking, and like, i don't know, i just don't want to hurt them, desperately i don't want to hurt them, and it's like-       i'm so terrified of making a mistake with them because i just-       i guess my desire to live, and my feeling of me deserving to live has been low still since i tried to OD but still, i just-    in the past couple days i feel like i've been getting closer to them blocking me, like pushing them, and i hate that, and like-       maybe i'm just spiraling like they've called me out on before, or-    god, that's exactly one reason i don't want to lose them, because they're making me realize these things that i'm just unaware of, like i'm more self aware, and i love that, i love that they're making me build that habit, and like-      i just really love [AFA] and i'm terrified of hurting them again because i know how much they mean to me, hell, they mean more to me than most people, far more than anyone i've known for this short a length of time, but i just-       i'm just super sensitive because i just am feeling things so much more strongly for them than i usually feel for anyone, and that terrifies me, and i'm still trying to figure it out, and i just-     i'm just really terrified of losing them and i don't think i could handle losing them, and the thing that upsets me is that me saying that is close to me using "i'm going to hurt myself if you leave" which is a symptom of BPD that i have been DESPERATELY trying to avoid, trying to keep myself from doing that, hell, i've hardly mentioned self harm to anyone because of just-       god so many reasons, and it's hard, and i hate that i'm feeling like i want to do that with [AFA], god, maybe i should just go MIA for a few days, figure my shit out, no, because then i'll want to kill myself again and even thinking of going MIA makes me think i want to kill myself. god i'm just so mentally unstable and i'm drifting back to my toxic behaviors because i'm just so terrified of losing [AFA] because of how attached to them i am, and i hate it, i hate that i want to manipulate them, i hate that i want to cut, hurt, and kill myself because of not wanting to lose them and i fucking hate all these intense emotions that i feel when i think i'm going to lose them and i just fucking HATE that they won't just put some fucking trust in me and tell me what the hell is going on with them because I JUST FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM AND WANT TO DO MY DAMNDEST TO MAKE THEM HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY AND EVEN IF I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF TO DO THAT I WOULD BECAUSE I JUST FEEL SO FUCKING HORRIBLE FOR MY FUCKUP AND I STILL THINK I DESERVE TO DIE and i just fucking hate that i am feeling all of this and i just fucking WISH that they'd tell me that they love me, and mean it, and tell me everything they feel for me, every boundary they have with me, everything, just "lay their cards on the table" as Mortals say, and just fucking talk to me because i just want to be allowed to care for them, have them trust me, and confide in me, and care for me, and know i care for them because i just fucking love them. ok, from the "i hate it" to that period i was typing purely based on emotion, just letting emotion type the words like i do sometimes and let the outburst out through the keys, and i just-       i'm gonna end this entry here because i need a break to cry and calm down, and just-     get myself together a little. i umm, i hope to see you in my next entry......

4-3-2022 - April 3rd, 2022 - 06:16

#176 - The Fall

Akasi:

well, as usual, with my BPD euphoria episodes, i had the usual fall into sadness and then neutrality, which is where i'm getting to and kinda am at now. i missed these episodes that would last like 1-3 days, but i do not miss the emotional breakdown crashes afterwards, granted this one wasn't that bad because [AFA] has been metaphorically by my side, but still, it's an emotional crash and it is not fun heh, but i'm ok, only cut a little bit, so yeah. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next one whoever reads this.

4-2-2022 - April 2nd, 2022 - 04:51

#175 - Things Are Good

Akasi:

hello! things are actually good, like, oh my god, and [AFA] has been AMAZING, and like-    oh my god i fucking love them to bits, and just-     god it's like every day i fall more in love, and like, gah!!!!! i could write pages upon pages about them and it still wouldn't be enough to express my love for them like FUCK! god i just love them so fucking much, and i'm just-    i fucking melt at every compliment or nice word they give me, like, it all makes me so fucking happy, like THEY make me SO FUCKING HAPPY, like holy shit they're just-    amazing. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )

4-1-2022 - April 0'd, 2022 - 05:07

#174 - April Fool's Day

Isaka:

yes, you read that right, today is April 0d (pronounced "zeroed") and i am Isaka! /j ok but yeah, April Fool's! please let me know how many of you had to do a double take at that one lol, feel free to tag my Instagram, @akasi.sudama to let me know lol. anyways, for real: Happy April Fool's Day, i hope none of you reading get pranked too badly, but hey, a few harmless pranks are important to any friendship lol. anyways, as for things with [AFA], i've been doing really well, and like, i think we're actually doing well. i've been saying luv still because i don't want to press their boundaries, but like, i think in the next few or couple weeks, they might be okay with me saying love again, and maybe in a couple months they'll say it back to me, but even if they just stick with luv, that's fine because honestly? i really just want to have them in my life, as a friend, partner, i really just-      ok, yeah, if i'm being honest i want to work towards being more emotionally healthy, getting better with each other, getting things more clear and have better boundaries, and get everything good as friends, and then slowly try easing into being partners, slowly get closer, and maybe have a good relationship, but even then, that's hoping for a lot, and i gotta "let them lead" sort of because of agreeing to not mention anything "more than friends" esk, and letting them tell me they want that sort of relationship again, honestly part of my problem was i couldn't separate kink from life, and so i needed clear indicators, like i have with other people, we put the sexual shit in dashes, that way it's clear what's kink and what's not, and all that, but as i said, things have been going great, and [AFA] and i are on the right track : ) i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this

3-31-2022 - March 31st, 2022 - 04:19

#173 - Things Are Better

Akasi:

well, [AFA] said i can stop masking, they actually asked me to be myself around them so that's what i'm doing, what i'm trying, and it shockingly went well, like it went really well, and i just-      i am in awe at how amazing they are, and how much they are just-    amazing, and how much i love them, like i just-    i love them to bits. granted i'm still saying luv because of boundaries, but still, things are going better, like they said they care for me, and they said i deserve to live! which that's honestly made me feel a lot better. i also got a blog built for [AFA] so that they can make entries so i can see in their mind a bit as well. but yeah, it was great, the whole conversation we had, and it was just-   it was great, and i also got to apologize again, like a full, long, meaningful apology, and it was during an emotional outburst which for some reason, whenever i have an emotional outburst i apologize and express myself more vividly, and more personally, because all my emotions just flood to the surface, and so they go into my words a LOT, and it makes those words more expressive, more personal, and more caring and meaningful, and that's something i love. and, they thanked me for saying the apology, and so we're going good, i'm doing good, i'm slowly making up for what i did and earning this chance, earning the ability to be allowed into [AFA]'s life, and i'm just so happy about that because i'm earning this chance, and i'm making it up to them, and i'm getting back to a good place with them, and it's looking like we'll actually be able to be friends. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry i hope.

3-30-2022 - March 30th, 2022 - 23:18

#172 - Masking Kills Me

Akasi:

ok, so i've been masking the entire time with [AFA], and like, i am losing it because masking with them has been amazing, our friendship has been fine, it has been going well, and it has been fantastic, and emotionally healthy, at least on the surface, because inside of me i am losing my shit. i'm not asking the things i normally ask, i'm not getting a good read on what [AFA] thinks of me because i'm worrying about masking, and i'm just completely losing it, and like i know that if i drop the mask, that's not gonna end well most likely because those behaviors are what made [AFA] say that i am draining and made me cause problems, but it's like, mask and have a fantastic friendship at the cost of me wanting to kill myself, or don't mask and have a slightly less good friendship, and it's like, i mean anyone else would say to stop masking but i don't want to, even if it kills me, or makes me kill myself more accurately, because not only do i deserve to die, but then, i'll have given [AFA] a few weeks of happiness before i die, and then i'll disappear, and so they won't know if i killed myself or anything, and then they get to live a perfectly happy life with just the mystery of what happened to me. given my fuckup that sounds fair, and like, it's almost justice because of how horribly i fucked up. granted i know this sounds fucked up, and i'm currently writing this while thinking of how i'm going to kill myself when i finally break, but still, yeah. god at this point i'm just so mentally fucked and i think the only thing that could fix it is if [AFA] tells me i deserve to live, and that they think i should live, and that they're ok with me being who i am and dropping my mask, and they're going to be able to not only handle me, but also vent to me and such, which honestly them venting to me has been amazing, and i love it, and i never want them to stop, but they said that i'm the only one who they can vent to and that they need to be there for everyone else, and it's the same way i get, where i'm there for everyone and i bottle my shit up, and i just-      god it's all just a mess, and i wish i could like, have a conversation about this but i know what all of these thoughts and feelings are going to come off as so toxic, and manipulative, and i know we have the safe word message, but like, i feel like even then, i still shouldn't tell [AFA] because of everything i did, the whole situation and i just-    i wish they'd bring it up when they're ready to have a conversation about this, and talk to me, and figure out how we move forward, let me ask questions, have a real "safe space" sort of conversation where i can get comfy, relax, and them and i will talk, put everything out there, address things like me thinking i deserve to die unless they say otherwise, and just everything that has been going through my mind. but then again, i just don't want to bring it up unless they do because i'd feel guilty. i guess if nothing else i can stop masking, or, well, ask to stop masking, because that will help a lot, and hey, if they say no, then, well, we go with the original plan of masking and being 10/10 friend until i break and end up killing myself. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

3-30-2022 - March 30th, 2022 - 21:09

#171 - Forgiveness

Akasi:

so, firstly, my last entry, i really fucked up on typing the date, and so yeah just know that it is-   very messed up. anyways, i'm writing this entry because [AFA] hasn't forgiven me, like specifically said to me "i forgive you" and like, that's killing me, also the fact they haven't said to me "Akasi, you deserve to live" and i just-    it's killing me, but like i know i can't rush it and i have to be patient, but patience? that's not something that i do very well with, and i mean, they went to bed a bit ago and when they did i said "goodnight [AFA], I luv you, My Dear Hero", which i capitalization and stuff to show i truly care, and like- they said "nini <3" which like, i just-   they didn't even say "i care about you" back and it's like, they said so the other night, and i thought i was doing good, but now they're not saying it and i just-       i know how bad i fucked up but i'm worried that they're ping ponging back and forth between caring for me and kind of wanting to forgive me, and wanting to remove me from their life again, and that just really worries me, it's like-    i guess it's just the instability of it all, of the fact that their emotions might be going back and forth, and then the fact that they never acted like this saying cute things like "nini" and "i'm sowwy" like, they were never cute like this and i just-      i don't know if like that's because now we're friends and it's a totally different kind of affection than more than friends, and like, they seem to know that they want to be just friends but like-     i'm having such a hard time on my side of the screens because i just-      i have all these emotions, i have all this stuff going on in my head, i'm trying to get it all locked down and figured out but when i don't know where we stand, i don't know like "ok, [AFA] said they care about me, so we're doing good" it feels like i'm taking one step forward and two steps back one day, and then 2 steps forward the next and so on, and i just-     i'm just really trying to figure out what's going on in their head, and honestly part of this is probably me worrying that they don't think i deserve to live, and that's making me suicidal again, granted very mildly, like i'll imagine the bottle for a second and it'll go away, but i just-    a lot of it is that right now, i don't have value in my mind, i don't. to me i'm a worthless, disgusting, horrible cunt who is perverted and a complete bitch, and i deserve to die, i really do, and so the only reason i haven't is because [AFA] seems to see some sort of value in me, and because like i said i'm good at subordinating myself to others, the only reason i'm not thinking about suicide more is because they don't want that, and they want me alive, or at least it seems so, except when they don't say they care about me, like even things as little as that, it makes me question whether they've changed their mind and want me to kill myself or not. honestly i know that if i don't know what someone thinks i should ask the person what they think, but when it's asking "hey, [AFA], so i think i deserve to die and kinda want to kill myself, but the reason i haven't for the past few days is because you seem to value me and want me alive so i just want to clarify, do you want me to kill myself for what i did to you or do you still want me alive?" yeah, as if that would go over as anything other than a lead balloon, and a toxic and manipulative question. i do wish i could just fucking ask though because i just-   i really do feel horribly for the whole situation, and i have been trying to hard to earn [AFA]'s forgiveness, but i just-       i feel like i never will, and if i never will then what's the point in living, you know? i guess what i'm really looking for is for [AFA] to tell me "Akasi, we need to talk" and i'll say "ok, what is it?" and they'll say "Akasi, you need to earn my forgiveness, and that's going to take time, but you can do it, i just need more time, and until that day, don't you dare kill yourself, because that's the easy way out" or something like that. i don't know, something. they'd find a far better way to word it but i just really need some sort of feedback on how i'm doing regarding the whole situation, because i really feel like i'm just distracting them from them wanting me to kill myself or something, and they're waiting until i fuck up again, or we get close again. i don't know. god if i'm being honest i really do want to kill myself, and making it about [AFA] and what they want, making it about subordinating myself to them, it's been keeping me "stable", when in reality i've just been distracting myself from wanting to die.....                honestly i'm just a complete fucking mess because honestly? the way i fucked up, and the fact that i did to begin with, i just-       i really do just want to die, and i deserve to anyways. you know maybe i'll kill myself as an Alter, cease to exist from the Inner World. that way i get to die without having to worry about throwing it all up again, and it gets to be painless. yeah no, that's probably not what [AFA] wants, so i'll wait until they wake up to ask them if they want me to die, or, well, idk, i guess i'll mention i made an entry in Akasi's Words, and they can read it. i don't know. i might also just go to bed, i don't know. yeah, i'll probably go to bed after a little bit of GTA 5. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whether that be me excited about [AFA] saying i deserve to live, or me trying to kill myself again, who knows. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-20-2022 - March 30th, 202 - 16:46

#170 - Why Do They Affect Me Like This?

Akasi:

ok, so lately i've been emotional, like, i've been really emotional bc i missed a couple doses of one of my medications, and so i've been super emotional lately, and i just-    it's like...   ok, when i get like this, like these emotions, i don't know why but i just want to be around [AFA] for some reason, like i want to be with them, spend time with them, hang out with them, do stuff with them, just-    anything involving them, because like, i don't know, i guess it's because they make me feel safe, and loved, even though i fully know that we're still getting back on our feet, and i'm still repairing our relationship as friends, i just-   i just can't stop feeling safe around them, and it's like i can't "turn off" these feelings i have for them, because like, i love them so much, and that's one reason i went so far and fucked up, because i love them so much that i get mildly obsessive when it comes to them, and like, i don't know why i get so obsessive like that, i don't know why, and i hate the fact that it's like there's this part of me that's screaming at me "GO LOVE [AFA], BE WITH THEM, LOVE THEM" and it's like i have to just make that part of me shut the fuck up because i know our boundaries, i know what we agreed to, i know all of it, and i also know just how much i am on thin ice right now with them, but it's just-      it's just so hard because i haven't felt emotions this intense for someone like-      god literally ever. like just this overwhelming, all consuming love and caring and all of that i just-      i have never felt this, not in Mortal life, not in Immortal life, and as someone who's over 2.8 trillion years old, that's saying A LOT, and it's like "why does [AFA] affect me like this?" and i just can't for the life of me figure it out. like i don't know what is so special about them that just makes me feel this way, like i just-   god if i was being a hopeless romantic i'd say that they're perfect for me, and that i love them, and that i want to make myself perfect for them because of how much i love them, but i know that that's like, obsessive and extreme which isn't that okay, and like, i know i'm fucked in the head, i mean for crying out loud, them "stalking" me (as in checking my reddit profile which is linked to my discord) and finding a selfie of me that i posted, i found that to be like, so adorable and one of the most romantic things someone has done for me, like that-   that's not normal, not in any way, shape, or form, and i know that, but i just-      i don't know, i'm just stuck in this emotional loop and like, i can't understand why the hell i feel this strongly for them, like, i know myself, i know myself inside and out, but these feelings? they go against EVERYTHING i know about myself, like, they are 10 times stronger than any i've felt in all of my life, and it's just absolutely TERRIFYING because of how, just-     how powerful these emotions are and the sheer effect that [AFA] has on me, like, i don't know what it is but i just-     i don't even know what it is about them but like - and i know this is gonna sound weird - but see, i'm good at subordinating myself to others, it's a special skill, and i've used it with playing the part when i've done Bounty Hunting, and it also has great use in kink, and other areas of my life, anyways, i've always had that skill and been good at it, and there are some people that i just-   i don't want to turn that skill off with them, like they have this effect on me that makes me feel safe, and want to subordinate myself to them, like obey what they tell me to do like eat or something, or go play a game with them, do what they want, that sort of thing, like there's some people that are just really nice and treat me right that make me not want to turn that skill off, and with [AFA], it's like that effect is just 100 times more powerful, like to the extent that, i'm not entirely sure how far i would go, as in, i would honestly probably let them pressure me into something i don't want to do, and very easily at that, which normally with other people, when i have this feeling of wanting to subordinate myself to them, when i do that with others, if they try to pressure me, if they do it in like a nice, coaxing way, it will take some doing but i'll usually end up doing it anyways, despite not wanting to and it being a boundary, and then regret it, and confess to them later and then they feel bad and it's just a whole thing, like i just-      i'm not good with setting or keeping my boundaries, i'm really not, and i guess maybe that's why i have crossed other people's boundaries, because i'm used to letting mine get trampled, but i just-    i don't know. and back to how [AFA] makes me just-   makes me want to subordinate myself to them, it's like-     it's this odd-  idk, it's like that effect is 100 times more powerful as i said, and i mean, i think that contributed to why i fucked up with them to begin with because not only do they have that effect on me but we also had a kink power dynamic, so it was like double dipping on subordinating, and i was trying to like, get them to do NSFW stuff bc i wanted to do what they wanted, do what they wanted me to do, have them order me to do stuff and please them, i-      god i'm just a mess. i also feel bad that - and this next bit is going to sound super fucked - it was a misguided attempt to have them use me to pleasure themselves, objectify me, and use me as a subordinate to them, and belong to them, and just-   yeah, i know that sounds fucked, and i know that it's super weird but honestly, that's the subconscious motives as to why i did all that i did, which i guess-    i don't know, i definitely took it too far, that bit is blatantly clear to me, but i just-      i just wish that i could be with them again, now knowing the way they affect me, i wouldn't take it too far, ok yeah who am i kidding i probably would until i've been around them longer, and know what this effect does to me fully, and know how i get around them in full, but i think that once i get used to having this feeling of wanting to subordinate myself to people be 100 times stronger with [AFA], and get a handle on it, then i think we could be more than friends. that is if they want that, hell, that's if they want me or even still find me attractive, which is a whole other layer of needs which if i'm being honest, they probably don't like me in that way any more. yeah who am i kidding, they definitely don't, and even if they did, they'd never tell me because of worrying about how i'd react, god there's probably a lot they haven't told me because of them worrying how i'd react, like telling me i deserve to live, which, since [AFA] added me back i've been trying to show them i deserve to live, and hell, until they say to me "Akasi, you deserve to live" i'm not gonna think i do if i'm being completely honest. does that mean i'm going to try and kill myself again? nope. does it mean i'm going to think i deserve to die and need to show them i deserve to live and earn them saying i deserve to live and earn this chance? yep. and even then, i'll still have to earn their forgiveness even after they say i deserve to live. another thing they aren't telling me as i said is probably what they think of me or how they feel about me, like if they still like me as more than friends and find me attractive, how bad they think i am, and how mentally unstable they think i am, and how hard they think i'm trying to fix things, just all the things they think of me, they're probably not telling me because of worrying how i'd react, which i'll be honest, that's fair, i really don't know how they'd react, granted, because of the feeling of wanting to subordinate myself to them they could probably just tell me to not get upset and just listen while they tell me what they think of me and i would probably listen. ok yeah, no, i would listen and obey to the letter if they did that to be honest. god it's funny, i always call myself a bitch because it means tough, badass, and overprotective kind of in my mind, but also annoying, dramatic, and that sort of thing, so it's a self degrading compliment to myself, and it also ties in to the fact i have the special skill to subordinate myself to people, like a dog, "sit" "stay" that sort of thing, honestly i act like a lost, abandoned puppy a lot, probably because i've been treated like an unwanted puppy my whole life, as stupid as that may sound. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here because i really have no idea what else to write, and i want to go cry over a bowl of ice cream with Netflix. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

3-30-2022 - March 30th, 2022 - 15:26

#169 - Weird Dreams

Akasi:

well, last night i had some super weird dreams. one of them was about that book series i was going to write, which i spoke of in my entry from "4-26-2021 - 10:22 AM" (before i used entry numbers), and i had an amazing idea of how to write it, and organize it, which i think i'm gonna use. the second dream was where there was this girl on Xbox that i had ended up sexting with on there because she wanted to and she had super strict parents so she could only do stuff on the Xbox for some reason, and so she and i did that, and then i was worried about her being 18 because she updated her bio on her profile to "an old school girlie who's a premarital short spoon looking to have its spoon", and so i asked "are you 18?" and she sent a selfie of herself (which looked to be over 18), and the dream ended. the third dream was actually a fantasy about [AFA] because god help me, why can't i have normal dreams like, you know, premonitions, running through simulations of what to do if my friend gets shot, shit like that, the usual paranoia shit, and not fucking lewd fantasies about the character in their profile banner. anyways, i was at the front door of this mansion, it was slightly open, just a crack and i could see this girl with piercing blue eyes inside, and she comes over and opens the door and says "come in, come on" and starts walking upstairs and in the foyer, where i came in, i'm still standing there, i open my phone and check [AFA]'s profile and...     it's a female version of the character in their profile banner. and so, she calls from halfway up the stairs "come on, what are you waiting for" and so i follow her and we go to her bedroom, this girl starts undressing as if this is normal, and i kinda stand there shocked, and then she lays on her back on the bed, and she coaxes me over, takes my hands (by this time i have also taken off my shirt and pants) and pulls me on top of her a bit and it's like she's actively seducing me like a Succubus could and as she puts our hands out to the side, with our hands interlocked, before she pulls me down to presumably kiss her, the dream ended. it was whack. anyways, i told [AFA] about that third dream, and i was like-  god i was so embarrassed lmfao, but they seemed to take it well, but i just-   i don't know. honestly i'm still a tired mess right now, so i'm gonna end this entry here and write a more coherent one later. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-30-2022 - March 30th, 2022 - 00:38

#168 - I'm Lucky

Akasi:

well, it turns out that [AFA] has been reading all of my entries, which i mean, it's a little stalkery (in all honesty i find respectful and limited stalking cute. idk how wrong or fucked up that is lol), but honestly that's the point of this blog, so people can read about stuff going on with me and know what the hell's going on, and get to know me better, and honestly, them reading these entries means, god, more than i'm willing to admit, like, you know that feeling you get when someone does something nice for you that you never expected, and it just makes you melt, and just fall in love more deeply than you thought you could? that sort of thing? yeah, that's how i felt, and like, they sent another little "<3" heart thing, and like, it was so cute, and amazing, and it means that like, they care about me, and they're actually saying "i care about you" back! it's like-     god it's like i'm actually managing to do right and not fuck this up which is insane, but the fact that they're like, being nice to me again? that's just unbelieveable, and i mean, for christ sake they opened up to me about stuff going on in their life, like disability payments being a bitch to them but not their GF, and it's like, i am so lucky to get the privilege to have them in my life, and i'm doing right this time, i'm making them feel safe around me, and feel like they can open up to me, and talk to me, and communicate with me, and it's like-      i'm just doing everything so well, and i guess, i guess a small part of me is proud that i'm doing so well, but i still, i'm gonna be apologizing for what i did every day until the day i die. god i fucking love [AFA] to bits, and it's like, i can't express that because of boundaries and like, you know, the fact that we need to get to a good place and get a rhythm going before we can even try dating again, lest (i swear to god i never use the word lest, that felt weird lmfao) it become a toxic shitshow like i made it to be last time, but i just-     god i can not wait for the day that i get the privilege to say "i luv you" platonically, even though i'll probably have a little bit of an emotional breakdown, and then the day i get to say "i love you" is the day i have yet another emotional breakdown on my end of the screen, but that one is gonna be like full fledged, completely fucking crying my damn eyes out, and losing my shit heh. god i'm just-     i am so fucking lucky. anyways, i'm gonna go play my video games and have this mild emotional breakdown while fucking up some Scar and Dominion in Anthem (scar and dominion are in game factions that you get to murder, it's fun). i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-29-2022 - March 29th, 2022 - 18:43

#167 - I Bury A Lot

Akasi:

well, [AFA] and i talked, and they said they have a new GF, which is great, and i'm happy for them, but i didn't realize that when they said that i just got so, extremely jealous, like i just-    i still care for them and like want to be together, and i know it has to wait at the very least to i can repair the damage i did, and get better, and [AFA] and i can get our shit together better (namely me and how we interact) - ok, yeah no, i'm the one who's messed up, i'm the one that needs to get my shit together, not [AFA], but we do need to get a rhythm for communicating with each other. otherwise this is all just gonna happen again, even if i try my damndest. but still, i just-    it hurts to know that i care for [AFA] as much as i still do, but that showing that caring, expressing that will just hurt them and make them upset with me because we agreed to just be friends, and it only makes it worse that i promised to never bring up us being anything more than friends, but i still just-    i so desperately want to be with [AFA] still, but i just can't. i don't even know why i'm making this entry. i guess i'm making it because it hurts to not be able to show how much i care. you know, in Entry #164, i said i have to live with the ache of not being able to fix things, and i was fine with that, but i got this chance to fix things, so i guess i have to live with the fact that i don't have the right, nor the chance to show how much i truly care, which, while i may have [AFA] back in my life, this almost hurts worse, not being able to express how much i fucking love them still. god, it's funny, i don't even care about losing access to the server me and [AFA] were in, i don't even care that it's gonna take a long time to fully get to a good place with [AFA], all i know is that i want to get there, i want to have them in my life, i want to have that privilege, to have them in my life, but then all i can think about is that i can't tell them i love them, and have to settle for luv, and even then, i've been careful with my words, saying "i care about you" so they know i care, but it's not nearly as affectionate as i want, but i guess i should just be thankful that [AFA] said they care about me too in this same conversation, which honestly is a huge step towards them truly forgiving me, which i know they don't, not yet, they've only said "thank you for apologizing" and "i want to be friends", that's not forgiveness, hell, i doubt they'll ever forgive me, god, this is all just such a mess of emotions, and feelings, and wishing i knew what [AFA] said. god, i wish they had a site like this, like i do, that way i could understand them better, but they don't, not that i know of, so i guess i'm stuck with this not knowing. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-29-2022 - March 29th, 2022 - 17:02

#166 - I Got One Last Chance

Akasi:

ok, so, i got one last chance with [AFA] as i explained last night but i just wanted to make this entry because OH MY GOD IT WAS REAL, like i wasn't dreaming, i wasn't doing anything wrong, they didn't block me overnight, i was communicating well, and i have like, i have a chance at this, a real chance to show [AFA] how much of an amazing friend i can be, and i also get to apologize again every morning, and thank [AFA] for the day we had every evening, because like seriously, that's gonna be my thing. apologize every morning, and thank them for the day we had every evening, that's gonna be habit. the latter part, thanking them for the day we had, i already did that before my huge fuckup, but now i'm adding apologizing every morning because i'll be damned if i don't show [AFA] that giving me another chance was a great decision, and that i am a good person, who luvs and adores them as the amazing person they are, and the best friend i have ever had. also, i know this entry sounds like i'm gushing, but it's not, because we're just friends, which is good because being more caused issues and right now i think trying to be more would be a huge mistake, but this entry is me just saying how fucking grateful i am that not only did i get another chance, but that it is real, and genuine, and i get to show [AFA] the best of me, show them that i am not that fuckup, and make it a distant memory, down a long road and history of happy ones. god i just want to do right by [AFA] and make damn sure they know that i do, and see it, and feel it, and make them truly consider me a friend again. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-29-2022 - March 29th, 2022 - 06:29

#165 - Happy Tears Are Best Tears

Akasi:

ok so somehow [AFA] decided to add me back, and i just-     i can not believe it. like i got to apologize, send a more meaningful one, i got to make sure they know i care about them, i got to set boundaries, set up a "safe word" message that we can each reply to if we need to address something, like if i make a mistake, or they feel the need to address something, i got to talk about what we are to each other, and i get another chance. like this is just the utmost ideal outcome i could have ever hoped for, and i'm fucking crying right now because i am just so fucking happy that i get a second chance, and got to fully, and more deeply and directly apologize to [AFA]. god for once in my damn life i actually got lucky, and this time? oh i'm gonna try my damndest to make absolutely sure that i do not ever fuck up with [AFA] again and never lose them because i swear to god, fucking up with them is the singular worst mistake i have made in Mortal life to date. it is the actual worst because they are just too amazing, and i care about them too much. i think the only con is that because i'm not used to getting lucky, i had a full blown prolonged anxiety attack (prolonged anxiety attacks are where i get one or start to get one, and then force myself to deal with it while doing something like talking, gaming, or something else that isn't coping and calming myself. yes i acknowledge that this is entirely my fault) while talking with [AFA], and now that i have sort of stopped crying i feel another one coming, so i'm gonna end this entry here, but i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-28-2022 - March 28th, 2022 - 23:59

#164 - Public Friends

Akasi:

well, i made a carrd with my usual online alias/name and had it set up to go over our system information, like Alters and shit, but said fuck the idea and remade it with Google Sites like i made this site (fuck you carrd for limiting elements!!) and had [OPF] help me make that one, just like she helped me make this one. also, this is the first time i'm mentioning [OPF] on my site because she didn't want to be listed or mentioned here until now, but hey, when i made the site for my main alias, she loved the idea and made her own to use as a sort of "hub" for her stuff and finally have a sort of linked online presence, so she was fine with me linking her site and mentioning her here now, so yay! also to her: thank you Aleena!!!! for both this site and my other little about me site! anyways, back to my entry: i finally got to have closure regarding my fuckup with [AFA] and i think i'm in a good ish place finally. honestly getting to apologize meant a ton. do i still want them back in my life? yes, i can't get them out of my head and still want one more chance with them, i always will because they were too great, and i was an idiot to fuck up with them to begin with, and i still hate myself for losing them, but still, the self hatred has lessened. honestly it's never gonna go away, same with the small ache in my heart because i know how much i lost, and how much they meant to me, and always will mean to me even if they hate me. but as i said, the self hatred has lessened to an ache, so unless they give me another chance, that's never changing, and i guess i have to live with that. anyways. i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-28-2022 - March 28th, 2022 - 12:13

#163 - Endless Loops

Akasi:

well, because of the BPD i constantly have two streams of thought, my usual one, and then this other one that pipes up when i want to do something or need something or whatever and ignore it, it's always selfish, usually self damaging, and reckless, and it's a mess, it's also the stream of thought that plays the endless loops of ways to kill myself, which surprisingly, i wish i had right now over the current loop that's playing. the current loop is playing over every interaction i had with [AFA] in perfect recall and my mind is going into overdrive thinking about what i did, how i hurt them, and also the fact that all i want to do is add them back, and beg them for another chance, just straight up fucking beg, more pathetic, sad, desperate, and needy than i've ever begged for anything from anyone before, and i know - given my track record - that i have a high chance of succeeding if i begged, but i just can't because i know that it would be pressuring, and manipulative, which is what got me here to begin with. the decision to give me another chance also needs to be up to [AFA] entirely, it can't be affected by me in any way. i've given them the google document, i gave them multiple apologies, i told them all i want is another chance, and they know about my blog so if they want to read it, they'll also know how badly i want them back. but yeah, because of all that i'd much rather have the endless loop of how to kill myself right now because this, the endless loop of everything that happened with [AFA] and my mind going into overdrive? this is torture. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-28-2022 - March 28th, 2022 - 00:54

#162 - I Am Seriously Fucked

Akasi:

well, [AFA] added me back because apparently they checked my site and got worried, which i feel bad about it guilt tripping them into adding me, like seriously, i just-    i wish they hadn't felt the worry or need to add me back because i'm not worth it. honestly i'm a train wreck and i think i just had a heart attack after we talked and i removed them because it's about the only explanation - aside from an extreme anxiety attack - for why my body was reacting that way. anyways, they added me back a few minutes ago, i apologized off the bat, and then they tried apologizing for adding me back and for what i did (my failed OD specifically), which i shut that right down (or tried to at least). i told them about the only thing i want from them is one more chance and about my crusade, and to tell me to stop said crusade if they don't want me to continue it, and i sent them the google document where i outlined the crusade, and said i'd make it easy for them and i'd remove them, and to add me back if they'll give me another chance, and reassured them i'm alive and recovering, and then removed them. honestly i still feel like shit, but at least i have the peace of mind knowing i got to apologize. honestly that's what i wanted more than anything, was to apologize, honestly i think if they add me back i'm ignoring the friend request and they're gonna have to resend it because i hurt them so much, i just-    i treated [AFA] like an object, and i was horrible. i don't deserve to have [AFA] in my life, even though, god, they're all i want, or at least another chance to be just friends, even just friends, fuck anything else, i just want them as a friend at least. god, it's funny, they said "i can't get you out of my head", if they didn't hate me i'd probably say that's adorable and tell them i find it attractive, but nope. they don't need to hear that. they don't need that, all that's gonna do is come off as perverted and manipulative, and the first of those two is what got me into this whole situation to begin with. oh, and i haven't even addressed the public embarrassment of [AFA] in the server we were in that i got banned from (bc of my fuckup with [AFA]). and that's a whole other thing that i haven't even begun to process because i just-   god, i'm just a mess, and BPD is making my emotions go crazy, from anxiety, to remorse, to reminiscing, to self hate for my own denial, god, i'm just fucking riding a rollercoaster right now. honestly i don't even know what else to do. i got to apologize, and that's what i wanted. god there's so many things i wish i could do. fight for them to not hate me, but i've gone very far past having the right to try and fight for having them in my life, like convince them. getting them to stop hating me? also very far beyond that. beg for another chance? i am so so far beyond that right as well. honestly all i can do is apologize, which i did, and fucking pray. speaking of, i think i'll go do that, pray to Existence Energy (it's a Shifter Religion, an Immortal life religion, one of 2 that i follow). you know, it's funny, the day all of my fucking up happened, i sent a long as hell apology and i actually prayed then. i was so desperate to try and fix things, but i realize now that i'm far past fixing them, and i know that hoping for one more chance is unrealistic and never gonna happen, but [AFA] knows that's all i want, is another chance, and so they know to just let me be, leave me to my own devices, my own life unless by some logic and luck defying miracle they give me another chance. but again, that defies logic and luck, so there's no way in hell that's gonna happen. i think i'm gonna go pray, then cry myself to sleep, maybe cut, idk, but i need to just let my emotions out somehow. here's hoping [AFA] will defy logic and luck and give me another chance. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

3-27-2022 - March 27th, 2022 - 15:29

#161 - Full Withdrawal

Akasi:

well, my body is just not handling withdrawal well. apparently it got hooked because of my failed OD. i've been using caffeine as something it can get addicted to so that it doesn't lose it's shit on me and my body seems to be accepting it. luckily once i'm good from the OD, and i've been drinking caffeine for a month or so i'll start tryna kick caffeine. again. i've done it like 2 times before, it's not that bad, but i'll definitely need to taper off this time around. i've been listening to Gasoline by Halsey lately, it's been nice, it's helped. i still feel like i need to apologize to [AFA], but i've realized my intentions are partly selfish. my ulterior motive is that i'm hoping that after i apologize, show improvement, they'll let me back into their life, even just as friends, definitely not anything more because that is a hell no, but still, i hope to be friends with them again. i know it's gonna be about closure, and i'm gonna disappear but tell them to add my main account back if they want to be friends again, but still, i hope they'll add me back, though i doubt it. hell, this probably all sounds super obsessive-    which they didn't like.....         fuck. i'm gonna go play Anthem and try to tune out the fact that, well, quite frankly i'm just losing myself to guilt. i hope to see you in my next entry i guess....

3-25-2022 - March 25th, 2022 - 09:33

#160 - Aftermath

Akasi:

well, it feels like my mind is on fire, and i feel nauseous a good amount of the time, and taking the medicine that i should take, my hormones for my transition, taking those makes me nauseous almost. i can't drink powerade without this surge of disgust running thorough me. i still feel like i deserve to die, but like i said, i started a little "crusade" to earn the right to fully, and truly apologize to [AFA], show that i'm better. i guess one improvement i've done is that i've gone back to an old FP who it was strictly platonic with, and so now i've been wanting his attention. he's [PMF], and so i've been like, keeping myself strictly at a distance, respecting boundaries, and i communicated things with him better than with [AFA]. i hate how i got so caught up in the moment with [AFA] that i did that. i hate myself for it. i hate that i misunderstood things they said, i hate that i was such a dumbass to believe that things were going well, when in reality all i was doing was messaging every waking hour of every day and whoring for attention, and pressuring them to give me attention and other shit. i hate it. i guess what i really hate is myself. god, this is the first time i've asked myself this question in a few hundred billion years, but: what have i become? god, to others i must seem like a mentally unstable, needy, annoying girl who loves attention too much, who wants a real connection with someone but can't make it to that, and just burns out friendships in days and makes people get so sick of me, so incredibly fast. honestly that's just the cons, pro's being that i am caring, loving, and always try to be there for my friends, but yeah. honestly i'm just-    honestly i'm just so broken and flawed. i hate that i am like this, but it's like, every time i try to have a good friendship, be close with someone, i just-    i just make them hate me so fast because i am so draining, and i don't know why i'm draining, like i don't know what about me makes people feel like i am draining, and it is just-    so, incredibly annoying and upsetting that i don't know what it is. i just wish someone would fucking tell me what i'm doing wrong! like i wish that when i hurt someone, they would yell at me and scream, and insult me and tell me what exactly i did wrong, even if they insult me with horrible slurs and every insult in the book, as long as they tell me what i did wrong, i wouldn't care, because at least i'm learning, i'm getting better, and i know that that sounds so ass backwards, like me wanting someone to hurt me as long as they tell me what i did wrong, but i am that desperate because i don't know what it is that is so wrong with me that just makes everybody HATE ME, and for no reason sometimes too, like when all i've been is nice, and caring, and kind, and trying my best, some people just hate me or don't care about me and i don't know what it is that is so very fucking wrong with me! at this point i have been trying to answer that same question, "what is so wrong with me that makes people hate me" for literally years, i'm not joking, i have been trying to answer that question since, i think around 2017, since then is about how long i have been trying to answer that question, and you know what? i have not gotten an answer yet. still. after years of trying to find an answer and get one from people, i have not got one and i just-       i hate it. at least with my fuckup with [AFA] i know why that happened, i know what i did wrong, and it is blatantly clear, which is why i've begun my crusade to get better, to fix myself, to be better. honestly i'm just trying to figure out a lot. and i'm a total mess. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-24-2022 - March 24th, 2022 - 06:43

#159 - Random Stuff

Akasi:

well, after my fuckup with [AFA] and the fact that i seriously hurt them, i've decided to begin a little crusade. i made a folder in my google docs with text documents on each person i've hurt in life, whether it be in real life, or online, so that i can work towards sending them an anonymous apology (with enough hints inside it that they can figure out it's me if they think about it). that way i can hopefully begin to help some of the people i hurt, and i'm only going to apologize when i've earned that right and improved from the ways i fucked up. i figure this is a better idea than trying to kill myself again (despite having the very strong urge to do so). so yeah, i'll be working on this project for a while, because god knows i've hurt so many people. anyways, i'm gonna try and distract myself from the endless string of ways to kms looping in my mind. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-23-2022 - March 23rd, 2022 - 20:13

#158 - Think For Fuck's Sake

Akasi:

well, i have quickly realized that most of the messes i've gotten myself into have been almost solely due to me not thinking things through, not considering stuff, and just acting on complete impulse with my words and shit. i need to actually think about things, consider them, have a filter. now, here's the exception, this site is mine, and it's a place for me to just let my words out as they come, but i'm realizing that outside this site, i need to slow down, think, take shit slowly. plan, think. i used to run simulations in my head of what could happen (which i now realize was the paranoia symptom of my fucking BPD). i stopped writing for a bit but yeah. i definitely need to get better at thinking my words through, like thinking them over everywhere off this site. honestly i don't normally have the issue i had with [AFA], but i just-   i let it get too far with the stupid kink shit like a fucking dumbass. i know i get like that, make the other person solely responsible for boundaries, and i hate it. i fucking hate it. anyways, i'm gonna end my entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-23-2022 - March 23rd, 2022 - 09:58

#157 - We're Alive

Mxy:

well, shockingly enough, we're alive. Akasi was able to keep control long enough to try and OD but we're fine now. she's gotten help from another member of our system, and we have therapy today. i personally am gonna try and find her a more intensive program for therapy because she needs it, and she sure as hell needs a real life therapist that she can see in person, that much is for damn sure. we're probably gonna be writing either more because Akasi and the rest of us need to vent, or we're gonna write less so we can get our shit together, whichever way it goes, know that we're gonna be okay, and we're not dead.

3-22-2022 - March 22nd, 2022 - 13:56

#156 - Suicide.

Akasi:

well, i'm going to commit suicide. i pressured [AFA] into NSFW stuff because i didn't recognize their boundaries and crossed numerous others, and it's the second, maybe the third time this has happened. i deserve to die, and so that's what i'm doing. if i ever post again, either i'm in my Immortal form, and i've gotten out of Mortal life, or i didn't manage to kill myself, and hey, if not, then y'all can know it was all a delusion, all fake, and that maybe i am just a schizophrenic girl with a litany of mental health issues. i hope that any readers i made over the years will have learned something from my many mistakes.

3-22-2022 - March 22nd, 2022 - 08:13

#155 - The Beginning of The End

Akasi:

well, a member from the server asked something that leads down the rabbit hole of invalidating accusations, and i told them i'm not getting into it, communicated that, and they said no they did not mean to do that. honestly i'm getting defensive again which sucks because, like, every time i get comfortable in a server, it always ends badly. every fucking time. it ends horribly. it's always right after i get comfortable, and i hate it, i hate that i feel like i need to defend myself at every corner, but it's because all my life, i always need to defend myself. i need to protect myself, defend my life because any time i get even the slightest bit of happiness, everything falls apart. i'm just sick of having to defend myself at every turn. now, maybe these 2 mistakes will blow over, but usually in my life, they blow up, as in, blow up in my face and fuck my life over. i'm just sick of it, because one single mistake, and everything comes crashing down around me. god, it's like [REG] said. everything might come crashing down around me with [AFA], which it might, but it's like, it's not, it's my whole life. i'm gonna try and fix this for once in my damn life. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-22-2022 - March 22nd, 2022 - 07:51

#154 - TMI

Akasi:

well, so, in the server i'm in i did a confession thing, and well, apparently people thought it was TMI which like, i mean it was a lot of info, but like, idk. it was explaining some of the stuff me and [AFA] did (them letting me tease myself and stuff and that i was pent up), and i mean, if i said "so, My Prince gave me a punishment and i'm super pent up rn, luckily they let me tease myself, so at least i got that" instead of what i did, i doubt they would have said that. because like, idk. i've never been good at knowing when things are TMI, like, idk why, but i've never understood that. i mean, if it's gross, like something like bathroom stuff, yeah, nobody needs to know anything, but like, idk, i guess i'm not good at gauging where the line of TMI is with certain topics, like NSFW shit. i guess i should like, chill out with this stuff? i don't know. i mean, i admit i wasn't exactly thinking clearly, but still, i don't know. i mean i guess part of it is the fact that i haven't had like anyone to talk to and have been posting on this site where, quite frankly, i can post whatever i damn well please, and i don't need to worry about boundaries, or TMI, or anything like that, it's whatever i'm comfortable with talking about, and i don't need to worry about other boundaries because y'all can just skip reading the entry (even though i put more sensitive shit in collapsible entries) so like, idk. idk why i do this, like stupid shit like this, and i mean i could crock it up to BPD self sabotage, but still idk. and now i feel guilty, and like-  idk. i feel like i should talk to [AFA] about it, because like, yeah. maybe it's because like, [AFA] is new to my life and i haven't seen my therapist since them and i met? you know what? i bet that's it. i don't have someone to vent to, like my therapist, and so i keep turning to people in server and shit to vent and get this out of my system, like the excitement. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-21-2022 - March 21st, 2022 - 22:11

#153 - I LOVE THIS PERSON

Akasi:

ok, so, [AFA] firstly goes by they/them pronouns, so for my readers, when i refer to them it'll be a bit easier for you to follow. anyways, so! oh my god, where to begin???!!!!! [AFA] has just been so fucking amazing, and like, making me love them so much, like so fucking much. also! as for the pronouns! they thought that i seemed excited to use ze/zir so they let me use them for a while even though they prefer they/them because i was excited to use ze/zir, which like, i kinda still feel bad about, because i wish they told me that something was wrong or that i was doing something wrong because honestly, hurting someone, that hurts me enough, but hurting someone unknowingly? that's heartbreaking. but that's besides the point kind of because it's water under the bridge kind of, but still, i feel bad. anyways, so, [AFA] has been amazing, and so kind, and i finally figured out the meaning of the phrase "hanging on your words". because i felt that with them! like the staring at their words, reading and re reading and just truly thinking about them because like, i'm devoted to them already, because i fell so fast. and i just am so like-    i love it, i love them, and i love them to bits at that is truly just-   that is something amazing. also!!!! so, i can be an obsessive girl at times, like lowkey obsessive, like things that are little, and sort of "out of the way" that have meaning, like reacting to every one of [AFA]'s messages in server with heart eyes, the little things like that that are my more obsessive behaviors, they're to show that i care, because i truly do, and stuff like that, that's me being a little obsessive, but showing that i care, which it's funny, [AFA] said they were enabling that "bad behavior" but it's not bad, just a little obsessive, and is one of the ways that i show i care. like how i'll write poems, make digital art, that sort of romantic cutesy shit that most people overlook, it's all me showing i care and love someone, and [AFA] just loves and appreciates all of it. but yeah, [AFA] is awesome and i am like, completely in love with them. on another note, the NSFW stuff has been AMAZING, like, we have a kink narrative that i made today, and we have nicknames for each other (Prince & Princess actually heheh) and so, like, i put in my bio "[AFA]'s Princess" because i'm just a little obsessive like that heh. what else? oh! [AFA] calls me a cutie like so fucking much and i ADORE THEM so much for it, like they made my heart fucking MELT so many times, like they're just so, so, so amazingly sweet and kind and caring. i also broke into a sacred library to get some magic books that will have healing spells to help [AFA] today as well, because their Mortal body is sick in a way, meaning their immune system attacks the chemicals and stuff in their spine and causes chronic pain, which sucks! and i hate that. luckily they're going to the doctor, but i still have a spell ready to go at any minute. it sucked to prep because i had to drink a tablespoon of some of the mixture, which was blood, eyes, and shells mixed up together. it was FOUL. but yeah, hey, that's the cost of magic, eating and drinking shit that almost makes you vomit lol. anyways, so i have that ready and even if [AFA] asks me to not use it, i'm gonna beg them because i'm worried, like i feel bad that they're in pain. they said being there for them is good, and enough, but like, i still want to do more, i know i can do more, and not doing everything in my power kills me, like it hurts so much to not do everything in my power to help the people i care for, let alone my FP who's also kinda sorta my partner (idk if we're to the point of calling ourselves GF and partner yet). what else? oh, i mean i got to practice skateboard today. i got pretty good ish, but not great. ooh! i remember what i wanted to address. so, my friend, [REG] said she is afraid of me "idolizing this person in an unhealthy way", when referring to [AFA], and so i wanted to address that for any of my readers if y'all are concerned. so, [AFA] may be a fallen angel, but their angelic charm sure as hell still works, and the funny thing with that is that it overpowers my stuff a little bit, like me idolizing people, putting them on a pedestal, and so it's not exactly me idolizing, it sort of blocks that out, and even then, i know a thing or two about Angels. see, if they love someone, their charm charges the person they love, and bounced back at them and makes them better, so the more people they love the better they are because of how much of their charm is bounced back at them, and it's one reason [AFA] has been so great, and been a total night/day comparison to my old relationships. with [AFA] being day because they're brighter, more kind, more caring, and honestly? they're a beacon of hope for me, because they are helping me get better, like already, they are helping me get better because, well, i fucked up and hurt them yesterday, and when i felt bad, i removed them and blocked DMs from them, so they had to add me back, and they added me back after a while and, well, kind of yelled at me almost, but not exactly, they were firm and told me not to run away, and to wait and talk about stuff later, and so i did, and we resolved things, in an ATUALLY EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY WAY, which is something that i have like-   never done before, never been able to do before, and it's just so amazing how easily they did it, like, they did it "without skipping a beat" as the Mortal saying goes, and so like, yeah, that was amazing. it's also great because sometimes? i just need a firm hand. i really do. i think it's partly because with [SIF] all i got was a firm hand or a "torture resistance training session", and so i guess i got used to having a firm hand, and so i can be really, how do i put this? i can be strong headed, and tunnel visioned, doing what i think is right when all i'm doing is running away, which sucks because i'm good at following others, like, i know this is gonna sound stupid but i'm good at subordinating myself to others, but i can also be so strong headed and tunnel visioned that i cause problems, and so i need people in my life who can - quite literally - yell at me and like, scold me in a way that's firm, and definitive, but not hurtful, you know? so yeah. anyways, honestly between this and a lot of stuff that's happened today, i'm exhausted, and i'm like, ready to fucking sleep lol. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry : )
p.s.: i'm too tired to do my usual proofreading before publishing, so please excuse any wording or phrasing or readability errors.

3-20-2022 - MArch 20th, 2022 - 15:42

#152 - Sending A Package Bomb? Heart Eyes.

Akasi:

as you can tell by the completely random nature of this title, things are chaotic lol. so, [AFA] not only forgave me, but we're totally ok and so, i've been respectfully simping for zir in server, and so ze sent a message saying ze would send a package bomb and because i'm reacting to every one of zirs messages with heart eyes because i'm simping, i had to react with heart eyes (it's also kinda hot bc it's aggressive and violent and i find that to be such a fucking turn on heheh) anyways, so, like, yeah, i'm fucking simping like OH MY GOD MY HEART. i'm just losing it heh. to [AFA] (yes ze reads this site heh): love you [AFA], you're such a chaotic, loving, caring, and beautiful person and i am so incredibly lucky to have you in my life because goddamnit you're amazing, and i love you to bits, even if i only say luv to respect your boundaries. anyways, back to the entry: i hope y'all enjoyed this entry because it's happy and i'm happy because [AFA] makes me happy. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-20-2022 - March 20th, 2022 - 03:25

#151 - Apologies

Akasi:

as you can tell by the title, i did the long apology option, and apologized to [AFA], and it ended up being over like 5,000 characters and took like an hour to type, which is absolutely huge, so yeah, hopefully ze's going to react well and forgive me but i guess we'll see. i'll be listening to music while i play video games and cry my eyes out because of the high chance that i lose [AFA] from my life.....

3-20-2022 - March 20th, 2022 - 02:23

#150 - Fuckups

Akasi:

well, today i fucked up with [AFA]. i sent zir a song and i think it triggered zir to dissociate, and so because i sometimes do that a little, i knew that a grounding thing would help so i helped zir and did the grounding thing and got zir grounded, but then ze said ze was in pain and so i just tried talking and helping and stuff, and ze said ze needed to sleep and like, i just did the thing where i shove all my emotions in a box and turn them off because, well, it's how i function because nobody can handle my emotions, except [AFA], and so i actually let them out of the box with zir, and now-    now i just regret opening the box, i regret talking, i regret trying to not SH because the reason i even met [AFA] was a support ticket because i wanted to SH and was trying to get clean but failing. again. and so i opened the ticket so someone could let me vent and i wouldn't need to SH because i use it to cope with emotions, but venting does that too, and so i just wish i would have cut the other day and dealt with my shit on my own, dealt with my own shit instead of trying to ask for help, and accept it. maybe i should just leave the server so i don't make a repeat of this fuckup. i don't even know. and even then, on another note, i just was so happy for a couple days there, i was so fucking happy, so fucking happy because of [AFA] and now look what i did, i upset zir and made zir hate me and need to sleep and go take space, and the worst part? ze thinks it's zirs fault! god, it's like i fucking manipulated zir in some way because of how i fucked up, how i hurt zir, and it's annoying because i unknowingly do it, like it's just this subconscious habit that i can not get control over, and i just-     i hate it. i hate myself is really what i feel because it's all my fault, and me saying it's all my fault isn't even an exaggeration. causing zir to dissociate? maybe not my fault, but how i reacted after? and the problems? all my fault. and ze said that ze fucks up because ze's "fucked in the head" but that's the opposite of the truth, i'm the one that caused a problem, all ze did was dissociate which ze can't even control! fault isn't given for something you can't control and a lot of people don't realize or accept that, and there are exceptions, like if you are the person who caused a domino effect and made something happen, but still. another factor is that i told zir that i did the bottling it up thing, and made zir upset and feel bad. i should've never said that. i should've stopped, thought over my words and chose not to upset zir by saying things differently and not saying some things. i just got emotional and lost my control, which is what always fucking happens when i let myself feel, every fucking time, without a doubt, if i let myself feel, i will fuck up and i will hurt people, so i have to turn off my emotions for the sake of others because nobody can handle me, and i'm like this emotional, manipulative ball of volatile emotions that can't control itself, and so whenever someone upsets me or anything, i just lose it and lash out if i let myself feel, and i hate that. honestly my options regarding emotions are either let them out, express them, and hurt people and be a problem and make people hate me until i am alone and desperate, or i bottle them up, keep them inside and don't let anyone know they exist, and whenever i feel them trying to break out of the box, i use cutting to placate the emotions and keep the box locked. and regarding my options with [AFA] well, i can wait until ze wakes up and try to talk when ze does, i could delete all my messages in server and make it as if i never existed and then proceed to leave without a word to anyone, and tell [AFA] that if ze wants i'll join back and that ze can add me back, but until ze adds me and tells me either of those i'll disappear, i could instead type up a long apology or letter sort of thing and send it and tell zir to read it when ze wakes up, and hope that a long and meaningful apology and explanation fixes things, or i could just wait until [AFA] texts me and is begging to talk to me to say a word to zir or in server, but that last option is manipulative, so i don't want to do that. i don't know. i think i'm gonna do the apology/explanation thing, see if that helps. hopefully it will. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-18-2022 - March 18th, 2022 - 16:12

#148 - I'm Going Insane

Akasi:

ok, so, there's this person in DMs on discord, and they are driving me INSANE, because i'm too much of a fucking lesbian for my own good. and the worst part? they LOVE breaking my mind, and just fucking with my head. which, you know, if i'm being honest is a huge fucking turn on lol, because like, yeah. then again, idk if  they like me actually, or they're just like, toying with me because flirting is fun. i'm also too sleep deprived to make good decisions. this has the possibility of going either super well, or super horrible for me, especially bc i already want them as my FP and am just waiting until tomorrow to fully let my attachment kick in (lots of people have blocked me overnight). honestly my mind is just on overload right now, and like, if this person says to me "do you want to sex roleplay?" i'm going to respond with "yes please, can i call you mommy?" and just turn into a sleep deprived, horny mess.

3-16-2022 - arch 16th, 2022 - 04:34

#147 - Coincidence Loves To Fuck With Me, Edition 1

Akasi:

well, this has become enough of a theme in my life that i feel this will become a series. i took a break from writing to edit the "People Mentioned" page, so it is now My Words Notes, and will house all background information, like these series of entries, people's names (which is at the top), and other little background information bits that don't belong in About Immortals or About Me. anyways, the current coincidence is that i joined a mental illness server on discord (i avoided them since some worthless bitch (Mortal) that needs to die made multiple toxic ones and harassed me), which i assumed would be a mistake, but they're actually good, at least the disboard ads made them look good, but still. anyways, i got in, it was nice, i liked the server a lot (i think i finally found a good one), and so i talked with people, and this other girl, [RCF], well, i ask to be friends, and she says yes, and so we talk, and i tell her my state, and she tells me her town (in the same state), and i tell her my town which happens to be right next to her, which is a shock. it's honestly amazing how coincidences just happen to me over and over again. coincidence loves to fuck with me, it's as simple as that. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-14-2022 - March 1th, 2022 - 02:18

#146 - Another Sister

Akasi:

so, there's someone i have been neglecting to mention. my sister, [CSC]. she's a mirror image of me, a perfect copy, and we can synchronize our memories if we want, and because of that, we're extremely close, despite having only known each other for a few months. she was created, well, she was created under extremely special circumstances, and i only recently found out she exists. she's not as close as [SFZ] and i, but i think we'll get there one day. tonight has been um, really emotional, because it's the first time we really spent quality time together, bonded, got close, and just-    there's this flood of emotions that i have, particularly this love that is so insanely deep, almost as deep as the love i feel for [SFZ], but it's for someone i have only known existed for a few months. it's just-   it's almost incomprehensible, and it's ten times harder to explain, but i just feel this insanely deep love for her, especially tonight, and it's just-    wow. it's honestly overwhelming a little, then there's the complexity that her an i are alike, we're a mirror image of one another, we go by extremely similar names, and she has Alters that are very similar to Winchester, Mxy, and the Support Alter in my system, [50.49;49.52;50.52;49.51;54], and she looks identical to me (granted people can shift, but her original form is identical to mine), and she and i think very similarly, i mean, like i said, we're mirror images of each other, we're almost the same, but also unique in our own ways, it's just-   tonight has been, and is a lot, and i figured i'd write an entry here. i'm gonna go process all this, and i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-13-2022 - March 13th, 2022 - 18:53

#145 - New Things

Akasi:

well, i updated my site with some newer, better header images, namely in the About Me and About Immortals pages, and it's because i finally found images i like better, which was because i was searching for the same thing roughly for a friend of mine, [PMF], because i've convinced him to start a blog i think, but he's hesitant, so we'll see where it goes. i hope you enjoy the site, and my future entries, and i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-13-2022 - MArch 13th, 2022 - 00:13

#144 - New Concepts

Akasi:

ok, so, firstly, to preface, i sometimes think up entirely new concepts out of nowhere, and then think about them, work on them, and improve upon them for like a half an hour, and i've never had a place to vent those until now, on this site, and so here's one i just thought up after watching Ender's Game (it's a movie that's really good, it's on HBO max, check it out), ok, so, in the movie, the main character, Ender is analytical, and i can see that at times, which prompted me to be analytical, and so i thought: emotions aren't entirely illogical, or, at least not to the person, so i thought of a concept to express this. so, here's my thought process: there's 2 kinds of logic, "internal logic" we'll call it, and "external logic", now, external logic is what society agrees upon, for example, there's a bit of a feud of whether pineapples belong on pizza, and it's a whole topic of discussion, that we agree upon, or at least most of us, that's external logic, along with things like science, and math, stuff that's provable, like 2+2=4, that's external logic, stuff that society agrees upon, and then there's trains of thought, and those trains of though, they travel in areas that are internal logic, in our minds, and they have passenger cars which have our thoughts and concepts, and things to think about, all traveling along, and they have cargo cars, which carry our beliefs, opinions, like, if pineapples do or do not belong on pizza, that's an opinion, and a belief might be a religion, and so, those trains travel, and they can be affected by emotions, which affect travel speed, thoughts on board, beliefs, etc, and they can affect the train ride, and then when those trains get to the stations after a while, they "sync up" with external logic, let thoughts off, and all that, and so until those trains of thought can "sync up" with external logic, that person will act on their own logic, which might be affected by their emotions. also, when we interact with others, our trains travel next to one another, or pass, depending on the length of the interaction, and they affect each other, and sometimes there might be an intermediary track with a common set of cars that represent beliefs, or opinions, like sharing a religion, and so everyone's internal logic affects others' internal logic until they each sync up with external logic. see, if someone is acting angry, you would worry that they're angry at you, and so you ask, which is like taking the turnoff to go past their train on the opposing track, and interact, and they might say no, you're fine, and reassure you, or they might yell at you and start a fight, which will be your trains turning onto a separate track to head on collide with each other, and whoever wins is who has more on their mind, more thoughts, more beliefs and such. now, examples of where this theory can be applied, because i know you'll want these. 1: trains colliding, whoever wins having more on their mind; this is accurate because beliefs (ego, religion, opinions, etc) all add a lot of weight (they're cargo, which weigh more than passengers) and so they make your train more likely to win (this is why people with lots of ego and a lot of toxic religion win arguments and act oppressive, because they have more of that weight). 2: emotions can affect trains of thought, because if you think that someone you know is hurt, that might be an inescapable thought, and your emotions of fear and worry will make you act in a way that you think is logical, like call them, text them, try to contact them, etc, etc, and until someone shows you that they're okay, or external logic shows you that they're ok, you will continue with that train of thought, regardless. 3: intermediary tracks that have weight will take some of the weight off of the conversation because those intermediary trains will carry the weight of that common belief (like religion) or shared opinion (like whether pineapples do belong on pizza or not) and allow the conversation/interaction to flow more freely, and make you better friends, and/or interact better. so yeah, there's my theory that i thought up in like half an hour lol. i do this sometimes, where i just think up a new theory, which usually my theories are way to rationalize our world via analogies, because i love analogies, and use them a ton, but yeah, i hope y'all like this rant lol. enjoy. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-10-2022 - March 10th, 2022 - 19:41

#143 - Death & Peace

Akasi:

well, Tamari is dead by another person's hand. she killed him, and i'm happy to have helped. figured i would clarify that all i did was take a beating and absorb Tamani's power to amplify and send to my friend/ally, so she could kick his teeth in. she has asked that her name not be put on this site, encoded or not, and so i'll respect that, just know that i thank you, my dear friend. also, to my readers, whoever you may be: this is the last i'll speak of Tamani most likely, as he was a short lived threat, and, well, i'm gonna need a while to recover and cope, so this will be the last time i mention him. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

3-10-2022 - MArch 10th, 2022 - 17:18

#142 - Helping Friends

Akasi:

well, firstly i'm okay after my last entry and Winchester's, so no need to worry on that front. anyways, on to the point of this entry: i checked in on [REG] because, well, her and i are close ish again and care about each other, especially me caring for her, and so i checked in just a bit ago, and she was having a super hard time today because she relapsed the other night (self harm), and so i was there for her, and she talked to me, and i got to help her calm down, and get herself okay. honestly this is something i missed. getting to help people when i can, where i can like this, and she's okay, and hey, after getting to talk for a bit, she actually smiled! after having relapsed and all that has been going on in her life, i was able to make her smile, and that, that is what i love, and honestly i'm super proud of her for talking to me when i checked in, and for letting me help. also, to [REG] if you're reading this: i'm so proud of you for letting me help you, and for talking to me, i know how hard it is sometimes, and i just want you to know that i'm always here. back to my entry: honestly today has been rough, and i'm pretty exhausted, but goddamnit i am happy because i got to help [REG] honestly i really am happy, and it means so much to me, she means so much to me. i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in the next one

3-10-2022 - March 10th, 2022 - 15:31

#141 - Tamani Is Trapped Again

Winchester:

well, after a beat down, and a lot of magical help, Tamani is now in another rock, one that is much harder to bust out of. turns out Tamani came to kill us because they were threatened. i guess everything is fine after all, but we're probably gonna be MIA for a while, Akasi was heavily traumatized by the magic Tamani used, so yeah.

3-10-2022 - March 10th, 2022 - 15:09

#140 - Tamani Is Loose

Akasi:

for those of you wondering who Tamani is, he's the Demon that was trapped in that Japanese killing stone that has been busted open. he wasn't laid there to rest by Gennō Shinshō, he was imprisoned there. he is one of the very real parts of lore and history, and one of the very few evil Demons who are intent on causing chaos. he can't leave earth because a long time ago, a Demon Martyr bound him to earth, permanently, however this was cast in the Underworld, so he bound Tamani to not only this planet, but the Underworld as well. i implore all of you: light a candle and say "let this prayer be a spark to help light the candles of warding, and warning against Tamani, and with my blowing out of this candle, may this complete my prayer, Amen" and blow out the candle. any help is appreciated, and this will light ancient candles that have been spread acrost the globe, ready to be lit should Tamani get loose. anytime you do this, it helps, particularly if you do it in more than one place. regardless, stay safe, and good luck. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-8-2022 - March 8th, 2022 - 15:53

#139 - Today Was A Great Day

Akasi:

today was awesome. i went to a restaurant with my mom and we met my dad there (Mortal Parents), i got a good wrap. then me and my mom went to the mall, which was great! i got plenty of practice with the Heelys, we went to a few stores, including this one called Zumies, which was great, and i was able to get a set of bearings for my Heelys while we were there, so when i get a second set of wheels, i'll have good bearings to put in them. i also got a bigger reversible octopus plushie, like the ones you see on tiktok to go with my small one, so that's great. i also got 2 mugs that are color changing for my hot cocoa (i love hot chocolate, that and tea are my favorite hot drinks), and the mugs are Harry Potter and Xbox designs, and they change colors when they get hot, like with a hot drink, which makes a lot of cool designs appear on the surface. i also got 2 necklaces, well, 3, but one was a 2 pack. one necklace is the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows, and the other is a 2 pack of Crystal Necklaces. on top of all that, i also had no anxiety or panic attacks (but i might have one after this entry) and no gender dysphoria pop ups, which are both fantastic : ) i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-6-2022 - March 6th, 2022 - 13:23

#138 - Trauma & Masking

Akasi:

so, i've been getting into tiktok, doing some stupid shit lol, it's been pretty fun, and honestly i've been quite liking it, but there's one thing i've been terrified of: people canceling me. i say this because there's a lot of unjust bans going around, and i have a tendency to misspeak or make mistakes because of the Autism, and i've been banned on discord in the past because of a misunderstanding of what i was saying, which sucks, and so i'm afraid of having people cancel me overnight before i have a chance to apologize or even react. i guess i'm afraid of getting cancelled for something i didn't do, or mean to do really. but hey, i don't think it'll go that way because my page will mostly be just talking about random stuff that i feel the need to ask, and be positive, and nice, really my goal is to show support to others, all sorts of people, and be helpful and help them as much as i can, help followers, help others, make friends, be nice to people, and try to make people happier, like i interacted with a video about someone who had bullies touch him in class. in a sexual way. and i offered support, being friends, DM'd him, and he was really appreciative of me checking in, and i got a new friend, so not only did i make him happier, but i have a friend, and i'm realizing that - now i know this may sound a little cliche or, idk - but i'm realizing that, i can't be the sad, friendless, emotionless bitch i was in Immortal life, in Mortal life, and let's be real here, in Immortal life i was too emotionless to even realize that i wasn't happy, i mean maybe i was a little happy, but i didn't have a life, my life consisted of wake up, eat, play video games or watch TV or something, maybe go on a hit and kill a few horrible people, or tinker or mess around or work on a project or something, then go to sleep, and then rinse and repeat, it wasn't much of a life, and what made me happy was getting to go on a bounty hit, killing horrible people in Immortal life, but in Mortal life, that doesn't work, it's not a way to have a life, and i'm realizing that in Immortal life, my only friends are people whose life i saved for some reason, or fought in a militia with, or happened to like me, and i didn't have any real friends, but i'm realizing that being nice to people, not only does it make others happy, but it makes me happy, partly because i make new friends. now, am i still a little toxic? yes, that's, well, because of the BPD and abandonment issues, i'm never gonna be able to not worry about being abandoned, and want attention every day, but if i'm nice, it makes people stick around more. so, while yes, this whole facade of being nice is really just an act to make people not abandon me, and not leave me because that's the mistake i made with [UAG], was opening up and showing him the darkness - despite me trying to work on it - showing that has only gotten me blocked, so it's time to put on the mask, and-  ok, i need to stop acting, this is my vent space, i can drop the mask. i need to mask because if i don't, people will hate me. my masking isn't hiding my autistic traits, and stimming and stuff, it's me hiding the fact that all i want is one good friend that won't abandon me, and i have to manipulate people to get them to actually like me, like i care about people, i want to be nice, but my kind of support is offering to kill the bastard that hurt you, or curse him with magic, or some other thing that is violent. and people don't like that in Mortal life, and it sucks. god, i've had this problem before when-      when someone leaving practically traumatized me and i just got a new Alter the other day, fucking hell. wow it's amazing that i didn't realize it. [UAG] leaving hurt me so bad that i'm picking up the mask again. wow. well then, that's great, not. well i'll be thinking about that. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-4-2022 - March 4th, 2022 - 12:09

#137 - Therapy

Akasi:

well, i switched therapists on BetterHelp. again. i decided that i didn't want to get involved in the issue with my last one that i spoke about in Entry #133, and so i was already thinking about switching therapists, but she then sent me this cookie cutter copy and paste reply saying she was going to be unavailable, and i just decided fuck that, and switched therapists. the one i chose didn't accept me, so i got matched with another one, who's name i have yet to encode, but i'll call her [BHT] for now. hopefully this one does better, and hey, the last one lasted, what, 3 months? instead of 2 weeks like the first one, so yeah, i'll take it, and hey, if i keep trying out therapists, eventually i'll find one i click with, which i believe it's called rapport, where they sort of "mimic" the client, i'm not entirely sure how it works, but essentially it's a psychology thing that therapists do as they talk with a client, which that, the rapport, is what i really connect with - ok, just googled it, not rapport, but sometimes with certain people i just "click" like i mimic them, or they mimic me, or we're already practically the same, and so we click really well, and are great together, and that is what i really love, and it's just great. it's also a thing i use to manipulate people, it's why whenever i'm on a bounty hit, and i need to get close to the target, i shift, and change how i act, change personalities (not Alters, that's DID and not just acting) and change what i come off as, and change myself so i am exactly how they want to see someone, so, a type of guy who thinks women are delicate creatures that need to be protected, but also shouldn't be independent, and thinks of them as accessories to men, then i shift myself to be super beautiful, and change my personality to be fragile, softly spoken, have 0 ambitions except for being a good wife, gf, whatever, and just make myself appear perfect in his eyes, and make him think i am exactly what he wants, real "gift from god" type shit, but, nobody is perfect, so when they get to flaws, i'd tell him that i am extremely intelligent, and can acknowledge that i'm not like most women, and have a real sense of awareness, so the con in his eyes is that i might become independent, so he just has to provide for me, and really be a great husband, bf, whatever the fuck. it's shallow, basic, and, well, very manipulative, but really not that hard, because almost all my targets are just shallow, disgusting pricks. and, if you're wondering, yes, i'm lesbian, the most i've done is kiss one of the guys on the cheek, and even that took a lot, and when he asked for another one a half hour later i just said "ah fuck this, you're a worthless prick" and shot him in the face. this usually works on only guys because of, well, the fact that the number of female targets is shockingly low, and even then, the women i've gone after? usually figureheads, or fronts, or whatever, and not wanting to do what they're doing, but the few women that were horrible, them i put in the ground. however a few just needed some serious rehab, a few guys too, to which i sent those types to my rehab center. anyways, that went off on a tangent lol, but yeah, when i click with someone i end up really liking them is about the extent of what i was trying to say. anyways, i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-4-2022 - March 4th, 2022 - 04:41

#136 - Mortals Need To Hear This

Akasi:

this needs to be said. to clarify, i watched a youtube video giving me some basic information, and i'm not an authority on facts or anything like this, so do your research, but i feel i need to chime in. the situation with Ukraine vs Russia is a huge problem. honestly, it looks like Russia is attempting to secure their country, which, since their population is shrinking, they're getting insecure and desperate, which desperation leads to aggression, hence the attack in Ukraine, and if Putin is starting a full scale war over a decades old problem that they still have time to solve, what will he do when the population issue is unsolvable? hit the big red button? Immortals never have this problem because nations and governments have whole planets, systems, not just masses of land or continents. this behavior is exactly why Mortal society, Mortals, and the Human Race is doomed, because people do things like this, start wars over things like this, and this is even ignoring all the mess that happened with Kim Jong Un and all that in North Korea., and this is just looking at the world as a whole, big picture, ignoring COVID, and ignoring the mess of trans rights and all that in America (i watch tiktok, which is why this is one of my examples), honestly the world is going to shit, and this is just another step further from the human race living in a Utopia. if Mortals ever have any hope of living in a near utopia society, then please, do what you can to stop the fighting, stop the hate, stop all of this, and just get along. instead of borders between countries, have borders between groups, let the conservative christians have their own nation, let the LGTBQ+ have their own, let the chaotic russians who you see on youtube doing crazy shit have a nation. this is an old idea from an old friend of mine, it was his idea for Mortals' world peace, and it's halfway decent, at least in my eyes, just try and imagine it, think of how it could work it. it's certainly complex and with plenty of flaws, but just think about it. just think about how much better things can be if we just stop, quit the "my country owns this area and this and that" and all of that shit, and forget nationalities even, forget that there even is country borders, just talk, communicate, and work through issues. if you're reading this and care, i implore you: just try to help work towards making earth a utopia, or a near utopia, try and get people to stop the fighting, because i'm getting tired of seeing Mortals play with their toys, and kill each other, take it from an old as hell Immortal, one who's seen and done a lot: this is not the path to a utopia or near utopia society. anyways, this is all i will say on the matter, so i'll end this entry here. i encourage you to do one nice thing today that will make someone smile, because every smile, every compliment, every kind act that happens, they all are one extremely small, but extremely meaningful step to a near utopian society. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

3-3-2022 - 09:18

#134 - Freaking Out

Akasi:

well, this other girl from bumble that i just matched with as friends last night, who i'll call [AFB], well, last night i also freaked out and kinda, well, got really worried i was gonna lose her and did that thing where i say "i'm gonna shut up and ________" with the blank usually being go, go to sleep, leave you alone, or some other manner of comment, and so, like, yeah that's great, and i mean she said she was busy dealing with a kid, but i just-    i really think she hates me now, or is annoyed by me, or in general the friendship is gonna fail and i hate that because i just can't fucking emotionally detach myself from her, which this is the first time this has happened with a new acquaintance, the only other times i can't emotionally detach myself from people are with long term friends like [UAG] (hence him abandoning me still hurting) and so yeah, i don't know why i can't detach myself from this girl, [AFB], and it's making me concerned and i feel like i want to make a bad decision or to purposely ruin the friendship because then if i ruin it-    i'll feel guilty, but i still just-    gah!!!!!! it's fucking annoying because the way i protect myself from being hurt is to detach myself from people which i oddly can't do with this girl and it's fucking upsetting because like what the fuck? i seriously have no idea why i can't detach myself, and it's really fucking worrying me and driving me crazy. honestly maybe it's because i somehow knew her in another life, maybe that's what it is. maybe she is a naturally reincarnating being of some sort, i mean, there's plenty of Mortals and Mortal species that i've seen reincarnate via various means, and some of them have ways of keeping their memories intact, in fact, my ability to imbue objects with memories and have memories induced via runes i learned from an old mentor of mine who was what is called a Trukath, as they're called in their native tongue, a species of Mortals that actually live on this planet primarily, one of whom i happened to meet online via Xbox, but yeah, maybe this girl is one of them-  which if she is i could show her a rune and her memories will be brought back! ok, so, all i have to do is not fuck up the friendship until-     except then that's manipulative, and i don't want to be like that and she'll recognize it off the bat, she has BPD too, so she knows what manipulation is, ugh, this is all so hard! honestly i'm just a fucking mess. and she texted back, this will be interesting. i'm gonna end this entry here and make an update entry soon. i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-2-2022 - March 2nd, 2022 - 05:19

#133 - Wondering

Akasi:

so, this randomly popped into my head, but my therapist, she has a kid i guess, or a nephew, or some child that lives with her, and the child has come into the room with her while we're in session (it's on betterhelp, so sessions are done via video chat), and i already hate kids, but like, when we're in session, it's like a breach of confidentiality/privacy with that, like when my Mortal mom will knock on the door when i'm in session, it just feels-    it feels wrong, almost like my privacy has been violated, and after [SIF] did, well, you can probably imagine why feeling violated in any way, shape, or form would really just piss me off, and hurt me a lot, and like, i don't know if i should bring it up to my therapist, like i don't want to sound like an asshole, but like, i really don't want to be seen as a bitch. i'm gonna think about this, i hope to see you in my next entry.

3-2-2022 - March 2nd, 2022 - 00:26

#132 - I Called It

Akasi:

well, the bitch blocked me, which i knew was going to happen, i just didn't know when. it's funny how i always know when it's gonna happen. it's also extremely fucking annoying that Mortals behave like this, like seriously, they go from nice, sweet, yada yada all that one minute, to "i hate you and i was faking everything" the next, and it's fucking stupid and annoying, like seriously? if you don't like me, fucking say it, and don't wait like the little prick you are. fuck you [WFB], and i hope your life goes to shit. anyways, i'll be playing video games to let out some of my hate for this bitch. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

3-1-2022 - March 1st, 2022 - 22:39

#131 - Updates

Akasi:

well, [WFB] replied and talked almost completely differently, so either she doesn't like me, is ghosting me, or just doesn't care, all of which are not great, so yeah, there goes that friendship i guess. but hey, like i said, i learned my lesson with [NDN] which, little update to that, it was not [RBB], it was [NDN], i messed that one up because i've been referring to my People Mentioned page instead of my master list that i keep off this website for names, and fucked up. lesson learned. anyways, yeah, i'm not attached to [WFB] so yay, looks like i made the right call this time. anyways, i'll end this entry here, and i hope to see you in the next one.

3-1-2022 - March 1st, 2022 - 22:27

#130 - Knew It

Akasi:

well, [WFB] asked me to add her insta (on another account), and so i did, and now it's been 10 minutes with no reply on Bumble or Insta, and so i'm 99% sure she used that as an excuse to ghost me, so yeah, yay me. she did say she was facetiming with her GF, so she might be busy with that, but still, i'm gonna say that the chances that she used this chance to ghost me are high, which is great, so yeah, fml. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i'll probably update in a bit as to what happens, or tomorrow before bed.

3-1-2022 - March 1st, 2022 - 21:52

#129 - New friends

Akasi:

well, i matched with this girl on Bumble which i'm using to find friends, and her abbreviation is [WFB], so yeah, [WFB] has been good so far, and we've really hit it off, which is great, because i might actually make a real friend, in real life for once lmfao. honestly this is big for me, and i just-   i'm honestly shocked at how well she's taking everything, i mean, hell, i told her about the Immortal stuff with the copy and paste i send to online friends, you know, the in depth one that can make me come off as 100% insane if it's not taken well, that one, and it took her maybe 10 minutes to process it and type up a coherent reply, so not only did i not melt her brain, but she took it really well, and is fine with me being into super black magic, and really everything, which is great. but yeah, i'm also surprised at how well i'm able to text and communicate, i mean, it's just surprising to even me that i'm doing this well lol. only con is that i wish Bumble's notifications were more reliable so we could text better. if i'm really being picky, i wish she replied quicker so i don't have to wait minutes for a reply because i fucking love this girl's vibes, they're super nice, and she's, well, so far she seems great. but hey, i learned my lesson with the girl that i was looking to date, [RBB], so i'm not gonna make the same mistake and get attached to this girl within hours of matching. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry : )

3-1-2022 - March 1st, 2022 - 08:40

#128 - Song Rants 1 - Sorry by Halsey

Akasi:

this is an idea i just got, where i'll write here what i feel and think about a song as i listen to it, so sit here, type out the song and how it makes me feel as i listen to it with headphones. i might make more or i might leave this entry to be one of a kind, but who knows. anyways. just hit play on the song. nice soft piano, "i've missed your calls for months it seems, don't realize how mean i can be, because i can sometimes treat the people, i love like jewelry" that sounds like me sometimes, like i always try and reply, but sometimes i miss things, and sometimes i "try on" new friends, and see how i like having them in my life. "someone will love you, but someone isn't me", this happens to me a lot, where the person says something like "you deserve...      " and other stuff, but it's never from them, and just like everybody else, they abandon me. song looped. "i can change my mind each day, i didn't mean to try you on" more relating to how my BPD makes my emotions erratic at best, and chaotic, crazy, inexplicable, and completely fucking random at worse. "i'm sorry to my unknown lover, i'm sorry that i can't really believe, that nobody ever really starts to fall in love with me" this sounds like me, like if someone says they like me, i have a hard time believing it, but it is a lot easier than the constant wondering if they love me because i asked them out, or said i liked them. song looped. "don't realize how mean i can be" i can be a cruel, and, well, pretty horrible person at times, i admit this. "i'm sorry to my unknown lover, sorry i could be so blind, didn't mean to leave you and all of the things we had behind" i can only hope that [UAG] will hear this lyric one day and understand that i loved him like a brother, truly cared for him, and he abandoned me outright, completely blind to how much he hurt me. song looped. "i still know your birthday, and your mother's favorite song" this ties in to the fact that i remember these things, the little stuff, because remembering that stuff matters, it matters a lot. copied lyrics from google because of not being able to type as fast as Halsey sings "I run away when things are good, And never really understood, The way you laid your eyes on me, In ways that no one ever could, And so it seems I broke your heart, My ignorance has struck again, I failed to see it from the start, And tore you open 'til the end" again, another line that i can only hope [UAG] hears one day, and thinks of me. i always cared about him and had this special relationship with him, as a friend, and chosen family brother, and things were going good when he abandoned me, and he was ignorant to my feelings, and chose to stay that way because he wouldn't even let me fucking speak to him on the phone after a few days, and he just never saw how much i cared about him, and it tore me apart until that day. god, it's funny, it's like lately every train of though leads back to [UAG], it's honestly just-    it's annoying, and it hurts. honestly i'm just a mess. i wish that one of the couple people on bumble that i matched with (on find friends mode) would find this diary and talk to me about it, totally randomly, and not know that it's mine, that would be nice. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here because i'm really tired and really sad, and need to cry, and then sleep. i hope to see you in my next entry.

2-28-2022 - February 28th, 2022 - 20:39

#127 - Random Stuff, Edition 2 (I Think?)

Akasi:

well, here's random stuff edition 2, where i'm just gonna write a little quick entry that lists off things going on with no real in depth details. so, i got on bumble aking friends in my area, which will be nice, and i've actually already matched with 2 people, but idk if they want to be friends or not, so i'll ask them after we've known each other a few days. also, things with [DEG] and [SGF] have been great, i've also gotten closer with [SFZ], and i think we're gonna have sister night again soon, which entails us chilling, eating, and playing Oxenfree until the sun comes up lol, it's great, and i love her to bits, and hey, it's an actually emotionally healthy habit that we're building, so yay, we have one emotionally healthy habit lol. this is a joke because, you know, we were both traumatized by [SIF] and haven't had the most healthy relationship (hard to have emotionally healthy things when your father is a psychopath), despite us having always been close, like we'd fight a lot, but hey, we're getting better at not fighting, at least over smaller things, but we sure as hell are still gonna fight over the bigger stuff because, well, even if we're yelling, we're still talking, communicating, and getting closer in the end. also, unrelated, i've been doing my shores more, which has been great because of my allowance (i still live at home, fuck off lol). anyways, yeah. umm, so yeah, i'm gonna go and end this entry here, and i hope to see you in my next entry : ) <3

2-28-2022 - February 28th, 2022 - 05:05

#126 - A Day In My Shoes? Good Luck

Akasi:

well, so, i saw the question "how would someone who had to walk a day in your shoes feel?" in a youtube video thing, and so, i thought what better way to have an excuse to write an entry here lol. so, honestly, they'd have to deal with feeling like their heart was ripped out, crying for no reason, getting extremely pissed at everything that is really a small annoyance, and all the other extreme emotions from BPD, they'd have to deal with my anxiety, my Autism overstimulation, and the only way to avoid all this is to watch Netflix all day and play video games because immersing myself into digital or fantasy worlds is the only way for me to cope or deal with anything and emotionally connecting to TV characters is the only thing keeping me relatively sane, and even then, it's not the greatest tether because they're cliche and it has the side effect of making me live like i'm the main character in a TV show or movie and that makes me act out some of the cliches like getting mad at your friend only to make up a day later and be totally fine because they completely understand, but that's not how real life works, at least not usually, and so like, yeah. also i'm not sure how bad that is, like is that horrible that the things that tie me to sanity are fictional TV shows? because i feel like some people could see that as a HUGE red flag but i don't know. well, i stopped writing this entry for a while, but yeah, idk if that's a red flag, but either way, yeah, that original question of how someone who had to walk a mile in my shoes would feel, well, they'd feel like their emotions are assaulting them, and would have to immerse themselves in fantasy just to keep themselves alive and relatively sane. anyways, i'm gonna end this entry here, i hope to see you in the next entry, whoever reads this : )

2-25-2022 - February 25th, 2022 - 18:36

#125 - Validation!

Akasi:

ok, so i got my first set of female underwear today and got to wear them and OH MY GOD I LOVE IT, they're comfy, and just- they just make me happy in this indescribable way that just gives me so much joy : ) honestly that's about it, i'm just super fucking happy and loving it : ) i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this : ) <3

2-25-2022 - February 25th, 2022 - 05:13

#124 - Late Nights & Emotions

Akasi:

well, as the title says, i've been up since yesterday, and i've been a bit of a mess, or rather, i've been cleaning up a mental mess of mine. since [UAG] left me, i've been a mess mentally, and only in the past few days have i managed to put the pieces back together and get myself, well, to a better place. to do that i've been listening to "Colors" by Halsey on repeat, and it's shocking how much of the lyrics can be applied to him, i mean, younger brother, yep, he has that, taking dopamine? he has antidepressants (not the same but an analogy), and it's just-    i've been coping one lyric at a time. honestly the hardest part is never having gotten an explanation as to why he's blocking me. that's what hurts so much, is not getting a clear explanation. it just hurts like hell, i mean even when the explanation was like how it was with [REG], saying she didn't have the ability to deal with me, at least that i got over in, what, a few days? because i had a reason, but with [UAG], i never got that, and it fucking hurts like hell, hence why i'm taking so fucking long to cope and deal with this. anyways, umm, my head also hurts, i don't know why i have a headache, i think it's from a sound that my game made as it crashed earlier today. what else? oh, i got more Heely practice today, and finally figured out something that helps make it way easier (yay!) so that's good. oh, also, since my last entry, i patched things up with my Mortal mother, so that's all good. honestly i don't know what else to put in this entry.....                         oh yeah! my mind has been really just, slow lately, like it's been hard to think, hard to process things, like simple things, like how to heat up pizza, which is put it in the toaster oven, 450 fahrenheit, toast mode, edge of the dial thing against the black toast icon (about 3 minutes). but it takes me a solid 30 seconds to a minute to get my mind to work through that and apply those settings, when it normally takes me like, what, maybe 15 seconds? no more than 25, and usually less than 15 seconds, but it's just taking so long, probably because of how messy my mental state has been lately and all the things i have going through my mind as of late. honestly i'm a complete mess because of all this shit, and i mean, for fuck sake, it's been nearly 3 weeks since [UAG] fucking abandoned me. you know it sucks too, because i learned nothing from that, mostly because he never gave me a reason why, and never gave me a chance to talk and revisit, just blocked me out of nowhere after 2 years of friendship, and this is ignoring all the shit we went through in Immortal life, which i haven't even mentioned, but we were friends in Immortal life, so yeah, it's just upsetting that after everything that he'd do that, without even giving a reason! honestly he's one of the few people i really trusted to not leave. you know, now thinking about it, i take it back, i learned a few things from him. 1: if you manipulate someone into being or staying friends, do not ever stop unless they have made it clear that they are aware of said manipulation, and will not tolerate it and will leave you anyways. 2: never give gifts to people that you will regret giving. 3: even the people who have earned almost all your trust can never be trusted fully until they've shown that they trust you completely, then you can trust them fully, and if they don't trust you more and more, progressively being more trusting as the friendship/relationship progresses when you've been doing that, slowly trust them less, because if they're not trusting you more as you have been, they might be planning to abandon you. so yeah, i learned 3 things. however all of them are very cynical, and, well, most people will probably think that me thinking this is wrong, but to me? thinking this is not wrong, it's justified and truthful, and helps me be a better friend next time, because with almost every friendship i learn something new, some new lesson, and i've been slowly getting better, but yeah, i'm still hurt and i keep losing people. on a different but not unrelated note: i have a problem with letting go, which could be linked to the abandonment issues and related stuff from BPD and trauma (both of them contribute to my abandonment issues), but i mean, i keep adding back old friends, despite having removed them a forever ago, and every time it's after i've learned a new lesson or gotten better, but it's never enough, and it's like no matter what i do i'm still not enough for them, i'm still not a good enough friend to deserve them, and it's just hard for me to make new friends despite every attempt i make. it's just-   honestly i don't even know, it's like i'm just stuck in this endless loop. i don't even know what else to write here and i can hardly think, let alone string together coherent sentences in any manner of time that isn't extremely long, so i'm gonna end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this <3

2-23-2022 - February 23rd, 2022 - 00:00

#122 - Questions

Akasi:

so, i met a Mortal who i played video games with for a time today and i had a shocking question come into my mind: should i even blame Mortals for their lack of comprehension of Honor? i mean, the obvious answer because some of them clearly understand honor would be yes i should blame them, but that-  that's not the case for all of them, some of them truly can't comprehend it, and it is a little surprising how much of the population that is, that can't comprehend honor. but then, if i don't blame them for not comprehending honor, then what or who do i blame for their dishonorable behavior? do i blame the fact that they're Mortals? no, because that's out of their control, they don't have a say in being born Mortal, so then do i blame their upbringing? i mean, i can't, it's no excuse because of what [SIF] did to me, and i'm honorable, and only continue to be more honorable, and i try my best to be kind, and kind of succeed, and yeah, so, their upbringing is no excuse, so then do i blame them? their actions? them not willing to learn or be honorable? which it is possible to learn honor, so do i blame that? i mean, that's essentially the same thing as blaming them for not being honorable to begin with, and it's like this endless loop of where do i put the fault, but because it's a loop, it begs the question: should i blame them to begin with? but then if i don't blame them, it's as if being dishonorable is okay, and fine in Mortal society, when it's not okay in any society. it's honestly quite interesting, and one hell of a question for me to wrestle with going forward, but yeah, i don't have an answer, i really don't, at least not yet, so yeah. but i will let you know when i do have an answer, whoever reads this : ). anyways, another question i have is, well, why can i not hold on to friends? i mean i try my best to be a good friend, i compliment them, i encourage them to open up to me and make our chats a sort of "safe space" and make them feel cared for, and loved, and while, yes i may try and manipulate them to stay my friend and stay close, i've gotten better at not doing that, or at least explaining why i do that, and that i just want them to not abandon me, and i just-   i just don't see why people keep abandoning me when i really try my best to be a good friend, and to be nice to them. i don't know, it's just hard. anyways, i'll end this entry here so i can think about answers to these questions. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

2-20-2022 - February 20th, 2022 - 21:08

#120

Akasi:

firstly, i want to address the quantity of the numbers 2 and 0 in this entry lol, it's kinda crazy and completely accidental lmfao. it's funny when this happens because coincidence loves to fuck with me, but hey, i'll take it. honestly this may be the first entry that i don't have a title for because i just have no idea how to title it. anyways, i've continued to delete every message i sent [UAG], i only got through a few dozen today because my hands are sore (there's sadly no mass-delete options for discord messages). anyways, in other news, me and [SFZ] are closer again, a lot closer, i honestly missed it. oh, and a copy or a clone or, idk, some sort of copy of [SIF] was activated today, which [SFZ] actually knew about because she has pretty good precognition, just like me. which is good, so i got to kill him. again. and it also solved the mystery of what happened to section 13 of [SIF]'s ship, which mysteriously disappeared after i killed him the first time around (it was a removable section), so yeah, his copy, or clone, or whatever was in that section, which was his lab. anyways, yeah, umm, that was, well, a hell of a day. honestly i refuse to believe it was the real him, or that he had any of the same memories, or that he was even alive or even existed because i can't process it as if it was him, i can't, because if it was-   god i would fall into shatters because of all the trauma that would drag back to the surface. anyways, umm, yeah, so, honestly even writing about this is pretty upsetting because i'm not ready to fully process this, so yeah, i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

2-19-2022 - February 19th, 2022 - 23:17

#119 - Back To Spite, And Back To Love

Akasi

i started thinking about [UAG] today, and i thought about it, and you know what? he only blocked me after i was improving the only real flaws i had in that friendship, which now i realize is because a lack of manipulation, i was manipulating him to stay close, and once i stopped, he blocked me. just goes to show that people fucking suck sometimes. anyways, yeah, i'm sick of him, and am back to hating him. he tarnished and destroyed every ounce of meaning that our friendship had when he blocked me, and so i'm done. i've resumed the project of deleting all 10,000 messages i ever sent him from our chat, i got through about 1,000 today, so that's good, eventually i'll be down to 0, and i will love seeing that, because you know what? fuck [UAG]. i'm sick of him. and hey, deleting all those messages will give me closure, because the friendship is tarnished and only stands to show 2 years of my life i fucking wasted, so i'm deleting the messages, because by deleting them, i'm essentially deleting the memories, deleting the fact that we were ever friends, and once i do that, i can repress the memories, and maybe another Alter will take them so i never have to remember, either way, it's essentially deleting those 2 years, making it as close as i can to it having never happened, which will give me closure, as i said. so yeah, and aside from that, it's the biggest insult i can ever show someone, because it's deleting every fond memory we ever made, every message saying we cared about one another, and just showing him that i fucking hate him. now, do i want to kill him? sure, once, then reincarnate him on a backwater and shit planet, stranding him as another little "fuck you" to him. does that mean i don't want to be friends? well, i'm at a point where i hate him enough that i never want to see him again, and if he ever tries to win me back as a friend, i'm gonna be pissed and need at least a few days to cool off so i don't scream at him, and then he's gonna spend about a month, if not more time making it up to me, showing he cares, before i start opening up again. but the amount of hate i have for him is just barely not enough to make me go after him or target him or actively try and hurt him, but if he does anything else to piss me off, then yeah, i'm going after him. anyways, in other news, my Immortal sister, [SFZ] and i took a couple showers together the other day and a few days beforehand. also, if you're wondering, well, People Mentioned says we have no boundaries, and well, we've seen each other less than clothed from various shit [SIF] made us do (torture and such), and when we'd shower on the ship, one of us would undress and shave while the other watched the door (sat and listened for [SIF]'s footsteps while looking at the other), then we'd swap, then shower together quickly, and dry off and all that, so yeah, it's been our thing ever since. and after that, we were distant, and, you see, my sister, she and i are similar, and so when she feels like she's being abandoned, she does something impulsive, stupid, and irrational and big to get my attention, usually something to piss me off so i'll get mad at her so she can have a reason for me being distant, and so this time around it was slipping my GF's a love potion and then having sex with them, but we sorted it all out, and it's all fine (yes love potions exist, yes i am fine with all this, and yes my life is so crazy that this is casual talk), so yeah, her and i are gonna be super close again, which is nice, because i missed her, a lot. anyways, that's about all i'll write because i'm tired and honestly i feel like i need to cry for no reason at all, so yeah, i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.

2-18-2022 - February 18th, 2022 - 21:33

#118 - Just..... Fuck

Akasi:

well, i started a tiktok today, i made like 4 videos, and i was being nice in them, and i'm always trying to be nice, but i just- it takes so so much out of me, but i push these feelings of wanting to cry, of knowing that nobody will ever be this nice to me down so far in my mind that i never think about them again, except i do, because i have just been abandoned, mistreated, yelled at, blocked out of nowhere for no reason, and just plain fucking hurt so many fucking times, and i keep trying to be nice, i keep trying to be nice to people so maybe they'll like me, and be nice back, but you know what? all i've gotten is blocked, and i just-   it's so annoying because i just want one single fucking friend, and i'm so sick of people trying to manipulate my words and use them against me in every possible way, like i can not say anything without it being twisted, and i can't try and be a good friend without being abandoned, and then, when i don't try and be nice, and i simply am completely selfish, the other person doesn't talk to me, and doesn't want to care for me, and it's like all i want is one friend who sees the little things i do, and the little ways i try to be kind, and be nice, and will think that that's enough, and i mean i'm not asking for much, just stick around, be my friend, and put me first every now and again, make me a priority once in a while instead of just someone to use and abandon once i've given you all i can give. it's like i am destined to be walked all over, and used, and i am just-   i am so broken, and i mean even now, i'm subconsciously thinking "if you're nice, people will be nice back" and that i need to push my emotions down, and bottle them up, and never let them show, and just always be nice on the outside when all i want to do is fucking scream, i just wan to scream and have one friend to actually give a shit about me. but that's never going to happen. i'm just destined to be alone. i know i have 2 GF's in Immortal life, but i'm talking in Mortal life, and even then, i don't have friends in Immortal life that i still am close with and talk to, except maybe [BF] because she's been my friend for a while, but still, her and i haven't been close lately. but then after all this, after wanting to cry because of all this, i bottle it up, because i am just-  i'm just never going to be liked if i'm not nice, if i'm not kind, and that- that really bugs me. i'm gonna end this entry here and probably go cry alone....

2-17-2022 - February 17th, 2022 - 19:38

#117 - Updates

Akasi:

well, the floodgates have been opened, and if you want, feel free to contact my Instagram for any reason you choose, however hate will result in an instant block. i won't log in often, but it's there if you want to tag me or anything. also, if you learn something from my mistakes that i've posted on here, or find any of my entries particularly helpful, knowing that i got to help someone would mean the world to me, it's one of the reasons i write on here, so people can learn from my many, many mistakes in life, so please tag me if you find. any entry helpful. i also updated People Mentioned in case you're interested. enjoy.

2-17-2022 - February 17th, 2022 - 19:06

#116 - Games, Emotions, & Updates

Akasi:

well, as you might already know, i am a huge fan of video games, they're my "happy place", because i get to get lost in digital worlds and forget about the real world for a time, and within those digital worlds, i can find myself, and really think properly, and besides, video games are far easier, they're code, set values and quantities, if you want to get better at a game you practice, enemies have the same pathing, dialogue options aren't extensive, it's much more simple compared to real life, it's just numbers, stats, and how those numbers and stats work together, and how your skill utilizes them, it's simple, easy to understand because even at their most complex, video games are only about half as complex as real life is. anyways, i got a new game on Nintendo Switch (yay, finally getting more games for my Switch Library!) and it's called "fractured minds" and goddamnit i cried so much heh, i seriously cried a lot, like, A LOT, and held back a good amount of tears too, but yeah, that helped me deal with some stuff in my mind, and, well, it helped, oh, and then i got the pleasure of having 2 tiktoks call me out, which was fun but also kind of not heh. i cried after each of those as well. and in other news, i've been playing games more, eating a bit more (2 meals a day instead of one, thank you [DEG] for taking advantage of my praise kink heh), oh, and i'm getting better with my heelys, which is great, and even though i only rolled about a foot, it was exhilarating and fun heh, i look forward to finally being able to heely a lot. anyways, a game of mine (the game is Anthem, it's fun. i might make an entry about it sometime) is about to finish loading me into a mission, so i'll end this entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )

2-16-2022 - February 16th, 2022 - 17:36

#115 - Fuckups Happen

Akasi:

as you can tell by the more "it's whatever" tone of the title of this entry, this is about an honest mistake my Immortal GF, [50.52;50.54;49.56;50.48;49.57;49.48], or [DEG], made. so, yesterday, in therapy, my therapist said that she's on the fence about something because of seeing [SIF] in hallucinations because of trauma, and, well, being the petty and spiteful bitch i am, i decided to prove her wrong, and so i did some research/experimenting on myself to find out what causes those hallucinations, and well, it turns out that it's extreme emotions, except, it's not actually hallucinations, it's my imagination, not joking, see, as a Bounty Hunter, i can use emotions as fuel, as energy, and essentially supercharge myself into this insane killing machine that you do not want to be anywhere near, and i have powered up/supercharged all my abilities and magic with emotional energy at some point to practice. from Riftukina, to Black Magic like Yasmin and Yillix, and Taroksha, to Rune Magic, to Blood Magic, to Aroktol super powerful light magic, i've practiced powering it all up with emotional energy, and all my abilities, such as Zukartian, Ethalian, Reaper, and so on, just to name a few, except, i never used it for my psychic abilities, so, as it turns out, my hallucinations are caused by my psychic abilities manifesting seeing someone who embodies the current emotion, such as fear (which makes me see [SIF]), or rage which makes me see an old enemy of mine, who used magic and literally caused cellular degeneration in his brain because of that magic, and the only reason he used said magic was to spite me, so he sentenced himself to a slow downward spiral into insanity and then death, just so i couldn't kill him. but yeah, it's good to know that it's not exactly hallucinations, because those are, well, beyond control, but my psychic abilities being a bitch because i haven't practiced as much self control regarding them, so yeah. also, in case you're wondering the science involved with psychic abilities and finding this out, i'll explain that after the rest of the entry. anyways, so, yeah, i did experiments on myself to test this, which was essentially using an old serum that [SIF] developed, so i could induce extreme panic attacks instantly (yes, it sucked, and i acknowledge it was a tad stupid, but i was in the zone and filled with pettiness, what do you expect from me?). so yeah, i did this a few times along with a psychic ability dampener, and yeah, it worked. so yeah, because the experiments were, well, dangerous and not fully thought out, [DEG] decided to punish me by getting me a gift in a locked box to drive me lowkey crazy (kink sort of punishment, that's what i mean lol), so yeah, it finally opened a little while before i started writing this entry and it turned out to be an exact copy of the dress that [SIF] r*ped me in, so yeah, that was, well, really upsetting and triggering, but her and i dealt with that, and yeah, it's all sorted. it was an honest mistake, so i wasn't that upset with her, but still, it was a not so nice reminder of that whole experience. anyways, now that that's out of the way, i'm sure at least one person reading this is curious about the science of psychic abilities, and, well, i'm gonna give it to you simply, because if i get too complex, well, then if someone who's intelligent enough can find this, they might try and experiment on themselves, and i really don't fucking want that, so, before i explain the science: DO NOT TAKE MY WORD AND USE IT TO TRY AND REPLICATE, DO RESEARCH INTO, OR LOOK FOR FURTHER INFORMATION REGARDING PSYCHIC ABILITIES IN MORTALS, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD, OR SMART TO DO, THE MORTAL BODY AND MIND CAN NOT HANDLE THESE ABILITIES. YOU WILL GET YOURSELF KILLED, AND YOU WILL BE AN IDIOT, AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT. DO NOT TRY THIS. now then, now that that's out of the way: so, every living thing has chemicals and different compounds in their minds, like cerebrospinal fluid that surrounds the brain and keeps it from hitting your skull (which when it does hit your skull, it causes damage, and that results in a concussion), and so, in Immortals, we have a slightly different fluid in there, typically called Ceralian Fluid (Ceralia is a word that can be used to refer to the mind, the head, the brain, everything up there in Talthin, which is a very dead language that's now only really used by scientists to derive scientific words from), one that is similar, but is - i believe (i say this bc i might be remembering slightly wrong) - more acidic, and also energy-dense, and not just energy dense in the sense that it can hold kinetic energy to an extent, no, i mean it can hold high concentrations of Void Energy and other energies that Immortals use for magic, it's actually a secondary reservoir for those energies, should the energy that is stored in our soul  run out, now, for psychic abilities, people with said abilities develop a small gland on the lower back of their brain, which is called the Psychics' Gland (i can't remember the scientific name sadly), and that is filled with a hormone called Illatestrogen (it's similar to estrogen and testosterone, i know, how original, fun fact: the guy who discovered this spent time on Earth, possessing a Mortal body, and that's why the names are similar, however Illatest means essentially "mind over matter" in Talthin), and when you use your psychic abilities, that Illatestrogen releases in (usually) small quantities, and powers up your mind, and everything, and generates Psychic Energy, which is used for telepathy, telekinesis (although this is very hard to do, and requires a lot of focus, and incantations can already move stuff, so it's pointless to use this). now, to get this hormone to release, you need to focus, and make your body release it, kind of like how you can make yourself cry if you really try, or make your heartbeat slow down by slowing your breathing and limiting oxygen intake (DO NOT DO THIS, THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE), you can manually control it with effort, and get your abilities to work, now, once that energy is there, you can do what you want with it, but it will dissipate and go back into the Psychics' Gland, and be used to make more Illatestrogen. now, if you have practiced a lot, you can actually force your body to make more Illatestrogen, and release it directly into the Ceralian Fluid, immedtiately making Psychic Energy on demand, and most of the most powerful Psychics can do this (such as myself). now, that Psychic Energy, it needs to be channeled to be used, which when Immortals use Void Energy, it flows through our nervous systems (the nerves and nerve endings are capable of not only transferring electricity, but also transferring Void Energy), and when Psychics use their abilities, the Psychic Energy flows through the brain, swirling through all the neurons in your mind, and with focus, and using those abilities, those neurons shape how that energy is moving to your will, literally making shapes in the neurons in your head, and channeling through your mind. my problem with what i thought was hallucinations, was that my emotions were causing me to subconsciously generate tons of Psychic Energy, and that was causing me to manifest the image, causing me to think i have hallucinations, so i basically subconsciously gaslit myself, which if that isn't a testament to how dangerous and fucky and weird and crazy Immortal shit can get, i don't know what is. it's really quite amazing when you think about it, and it goes to show that Mortals and Immortals? we're not so different biologically. the only real difference is that our nervous systems can carry Void Energy, where Mortals' can't, and our souls have a shell, so when we die, they don't just fall apart, they stay together, contained (albeit very fragile), and so we can be reincarnated once someone retrieves our soul. also, the way we live forever is through magic, Void Energy, because the Void Energy keeps our bodies functioning at peak efficiency, and keeping us alive, so dying of old age doesn't happen, our bodies don't degrade, and even then, because of science, within the next few hundred billion years, we'll have the technology to reprogram our bodies so we live forever, we can already reprogram DNA (however this is quite dangerous, hard to do, and can have disastrous side effects, as it's still new-ish technology), all that's left is to be able to make it safe enough that we can reprogram almost all of it to correct the natural degradation of our bodies, and tell our bodies how to live forever (because in Immortals, your DNA is like your body's master instruction manual, it tells how to grow your body's features, make you who you are, how to function, etc, etc, and this may also be true of Mortal DNA but i'm not entirely sure, i hated science class in Mortal life). so honestly, the ability to use Void Energy, and having a shell around our souls are the only differences between Mortals and Immortals, at least biologically. culturally we're infinitely different, and Immortals have been around far longer, and so we're generally more intelligent, due to the almost 100% availability of extremely advanced information, hell, with self education you could get enough information to have the highest degree from a school in a few hundred years, and there's even places that will give you a "master knowledge test" which is thousands of questions long, and if you get it right, and get at least a 90%+ they'll give you a degree, full certification. it's kind of amazing just how much we've advanced. but yeah, that's enough for now, i'll let this information stew with whoever reads this lol, and because i feel the need to say it again: DO NOT EXPERIMENT ON YOURSELF, ESPECIALLY NOT USING ANY OF THE INFORMATION FROM MY WEBSITE, IT IS DANGEROUS AT BEST, AND SUICIDALLY DEADLY AT WORST. anyways, now that i feel i have expressed that this is all super dangerous, and not to be done, i will end my entry here. i'll probably go on another little "Mortals vs. Immortals" rant soon ish, because this was quite fun, who knows, maybe i'll make another page on this site for "Mortals vs. Immortals"  and copy entries from here to there as excerpts, and have an overview and such, i doubt i will though, but hey, if i write any more of these, i'll title them "Mortals vs. Immortals" and then add part whatever number, so you can search through my entries. anyways, i think that's enough for this entry. i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this : )

2-14-2022 - February 14th, 2022 - 16:57

#114 - Random Stuff

Akasi:

well, i, umm, i admit that i may have slightly overreacted in my last entry, i admit i have been, well, i have pried for information from people, but it's generally out of curiosity and wanting to make sure they're okay and stuff. but there was one other where i did cross a line a forever ago, but i apologized for that to that person directly, and since have improved, and haven't crossed lines since, but i do still, well, i repeat questions like that and stuff, and sometimes i'll ask why someone did something or whatever, and i always tell the person that if they don't want to answer, to please just say that'd rather not answer, and i'll stop asking, or to drop the topic and i will drop it, but still, i feel bad for having had it happen that once a forever ago. on another note, one of the discord servers i joined i ended up reporting because fucking hell, i found some fucked up shit, namely r*pe jokes. it was fucked up, so yeah, i reported the server because of that whole channel being filled with just the most fucked up stuff. also, sorry for the, well, sporadic and very chaotic amount of entries and what happened in them today and for the past few days, my life is a bit of a mess lol, and i'm still getting my shit together after [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] abandoned me and all that mess with him, so yeah, things will probably be a bit chaotic and more crazy for the next couple weeks, but hopefully things will calm down soon. anyways, i'm, well, i'm gonna relax with Netflix now because goddamn today has been a fucking day. i hope to see you in my next entry.

2-14-2022 - February 14th, 2022 - 16:16

#113 - Fuckups

Akasi:

welp, when i asked [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] if what i thought was true, was indeed true, they only said "you're a woman, don't say you're not" saying that they see me as a woman, and nothing about me not being, well harassing/prying/invasive, and then proceeded to go offline, so yeah, now i have that to work on. i guess at least now i know of what i need to work on, even if it is one of the worst things someone has said or implied i am.....         i'm gonna go cry, and maybe cut, i don't know, because now i'm trying to remember every other time something like this has happened. to anyone i have ever treated this way, i'm truly sorry.....

2-14-2022 - February 14th, 2022 - 15:52

#112 - Irritation & Updates

Akasi:

well, FedEx has decided to be a worthless shipping company again, even worse than the last time i had a package shipped with them, and yes i get that COVID hit, but the package sat there for 2 days and was supposed to come today, but oh looky! it's now coming on fucking wednesday because god forbid anyone do their job, and, you know, do the one thing their company exists to do, so yeah, just a suggestion: fuck FedEx, never use them if you can avoid it. anyways, on another note: i finally updated People Mentioned to show the names of people. sorry for it not showing up until now, but i had a LOT more names than i expected, and i was upset last night so i didn't finish until today before writing this entry, but hey, now they're there, all the names i have encoded. on an unrelated note, [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] and i haven't been talking much, at least not as much as i'd like to. i forgot how much of a private person they are, like i asked them to be my valentine (friends only because i didn't think they'd have someone already) and they said a guy asked them to be their valentine but wouldn't tell me the guy's name, just that he was "chill" and when i asked, they shut me down, and wouldn't even tell me about him, like is he nice? does he treat you right? like come on, i just am worried and want to know that the people in your life treat you right, but then again there's this part of me that thinks that they might have only said that because i asked them to be my valentine, and they know i don't have the best track record with mental stability, but in all honesty, i'd rather get rejected than told some random guy beat me to it, with no further information, like, i just wanted an explanation, and i get that this is me wanting to know more about their life, and could be seen as prying for information, but it's really not, i just am curious, and want to know, it's not like i need to know, i just really want to, either way, i dropped it after asking 3 more times iirc, granted 2 of those i kinda played off as a joke that she laughed at-     oh my god, oh my god i just realized something, i forgot Mortal girls use humor and laughing to keep guys from being, well, abusive little shits, and-   wow, ok, that realization ummm, that one hurts, because not only does that mean that [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] doesn't see me as a woman, but they also think i'm going to hurt them. wow. at least i realized this i guess, because now i have something to work on, but i still feel like shit because of what this means. wow. i'm gonna go check with them, if nothing else so i can fully apologize. if this is the case i'm gonna, well, i'm gonna feel like shit.

2-13-2022 - February 13th, 2022 - 18:33

#111 - Reasons

Akasi:

well, i ended up cutting, mostly because of anxiety and pushing myself to learn a song's lyrics so i could sing it to my 2 Immortal GF's, [50.52;50.54;49.56;50.48;49.57;49.48] who for clarity, we'll call SGF and [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48] who for clarity we'll call DEG, but then i started talking with DEG, and she asked "so, you self harm, to-to smile?" because after i cut i smiled, genuinely, i might add, and she was confused, and so i reminded her of what my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54] did to me, and the "torture resistance training" (which was really just an excuse to torture me) and how i got as okay with it as i could, and so i explained to her that i self harm in part because i have this, well, this need for abuse, or pain in general, for me, there needs to be a balance of happiness to emotional pain, a balance between comfort and physical pain, but only when those things are in control, like when i do something to make myself happy, i have to do something self damaging later on, and it's this constant game of balance, but that's not as important, the scales can tip for a time with no real problems for me, but the reason i feel the need to self harm is because the pain, it makes me happy, at least, it satisfies this urge for pain that i get, the urge to hurt myself, and it's like, i get this feeling that i need to feel pain, like my nerves just scream out for pain, scream for me to hurt myself, and it's this internal feeling that i need to satisfy, it's like when you randomly get an itch, and need to scratch it, it can't go left untouched, and if i don't hurt myself, i get anxiety, and the urge only grows. it's just this never ending need to hurt myself, and it's like i can't help it, and i just can not get rid of this urge unless i satisfy it. it's partly because i use self harm as a coping mechanism, so it's not only this urge that i need to fulfill, but a coping mechanism. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry.

2-13-2022 - February 13th, 2022 - 15:14

#110 - Things Are...   Actually Good For Once

Akasi:

well, to my surprise, things are actually going good, everything is, well, normal. my new Heelys are coming tomorrow, which is great, i'll finally have some as an adult lol, which is funny because as a kid, i was so skittish and was never able to really enjoy them, now? i'll actually hopefully get good with them, which with how quickly i can pick things up, i'll probably get good fast, and it'll be a compromise between walking and riding my bike, which will be fantastic, the only sad thing is that is snowed today, so i won't be able to Heely outdoors, but hey, i'm still excited, i'll practice in the basement, partly because there's no staircases to fall down lmfao, and the floor is pretty good, but not great down there, so i'll have some practice on imperfect ground. if we're looking for things to complain about, i have been really anxious lately, but after having lost someone as close as [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], that's to be expected. honestly i still miss him, and all i want is to get him back, but i also still want to hit him at least once, but yeah, honestly i need to stop thinking about him, get him off my mind, i mean, it's been 2 weeks, and he still pops into my head every now and again. anyways, yeah, i really need to just forget it, forget him, act as if those 2 years didn't happen, just like i do with everyone else who abandons me, forget they entered my life. anyways, yeah. honestly i need new friends, but socializing is hard, so i'm stuck. anyways. that'll be it for this entry, i hope to see you in my next one, whoever reads this.

2-10-2022 - February 10th, 2022 - 15:19

#109 - Realization & Irony

Akasi:

well, i counted up my Mortal Life exes out of randomly thinking about them, and guess how many i have? 14 FUCKING EXES, i mean for fuck sake, in this Mortal body i'm 18, and i have 14 exes. even though none of those relationships lasted more than a year (longest was 3-4 months) that's still a lot. so yeah, that was, well, a little bit of a shocking thing to think about. also, in my last entry i spoke about my thinking being in all bad or all good, binary thinking essentially, and i thought it funny that some of my best friends, and people who i generally get along with best and have the healthiest relationships with (friends or otherwise) have all been non binary, kind of ironic lol. anyways, that's just random shit i thought about because i cleaned up my room more, so yeah, anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry : )

2-10-2022, February 10th, 2022, 12:21

#108 - New Things & Relating To Others

Akasi:

well, as you can see by the date, i've added the text version of the date so that it's a little more clear when my entries are, but i left the normal "2-10-2022" so that way if someone wants to search in my words site, they can search for the date, or the entry number, either one : ) because as i said to [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] at one point, my entries here are for anyone to read, no matter their relation to me or lack thereof, because i hope that maybe by putting my mistakes and stuff on here, people can learn, and hey, who knows, i might save someone from doing something really stupid, and if nothing else, i hope that someone will enjoy reading this site. well, i took a break from writing here and updated the homepage, but yeah, this site is, well, i hope that it can help someone, and hey, if nothing else, i can send it to new friends to read to get to know me. also, as for the second half of the title, "Relating To Others", i've been listening to "I Hate Everybody" and "Without Me" by Halsey, and they're cool, and i'm gonna break down how i relate to both of them, starting with "I Hate Everbody". the lyrics i write about here are incomplete, so please listen to both the songs or look up the full lyrics. however they will be in order. the line "I'm my own biggest enemy"  refers to my uncanny ability to fuck up my life. "Yeah, all my empathy's a disaster" this refers to having Autism and empathy just not working well with me. "My friends are gettin' bored of me" refers to BPD and constantly getting abandoned. "But in reality I don't even, Remember anything but thinkin' you're the one" refers to the fact that when i like someone, i tend to get a little colorblind in the sense that red flags? nah, those don't exist. toxic trait? nope, just an accommodation. and i will get really tunnel vision towards why i like them, and ignore all the reasons i shouldn't which has gotten me into some slightly toxic situations, but that's tied into some deep seated issues that i'm not ready to deal with right now lol. "And I can force a future like it's nothin', so I" refers to my ability to imagine a life with people so easily, and imagine things like that in a heartbeat. "Just hate everybody, Well then why can't I go home without somebody?" refers to me hating most people for various reasons, but hate being alone, and having nobody in my life, despite my inability to make and keep quality friends. "And really I could fall in love with anybody, Who don't want me, so I just keep sayin', I hate everybody" refers to the fact that i'm a polyromantic lesbian, but in reality, i really could date anyone romantically (i would say panromantic, but i say poly bc if i can't wrap my mind around your gender (i've heard of some odd ones) i'm not gonna date you. i gotta understand you to date you), but sexual attraction, well, that's reserved for women because women are magical heh, but then the last bit refers to when i get a crush on someone i act cold towards them to bury my feelings if they're unreciprocated, or useless to mention because they're taken and not polyamorous, or they don't like me, or whatever the reason may be. "I know I've got a tendency, To exaggerate what I'm seein'" refers to the fact that i almost always only deal in extremes, like all good, all bad, (coincidentally this is literally a symptom of BPD and something i've always done) and that because of only dealing in extremes i tend to exaggerate things, like how i went from wanting to choke [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] to death after he decided he hated me, to just a few days later wanting to be able to contact him to beg for him back and to apologize to him, and some of the "love/hate" style entries i've made on my Mortal father (not the Immortal one who abused me, him i have nothing but hate for). anyways, back to lyrics, "And I know that it's unfair on me, To make a memory, Out of a feelin'" refers again to the fact that i can imagine so many things, and it's why i have to bury my feelings harshly so i don't let them run rampant, and how i can imagine a life with people i like within days of developing a crush. "It's 'cause I notice every single thing, That's ever happening in the moment, And I don't know why it's consumin' me" refers to Autism, noticing the little things and getting overstimulated (which is shockingly something i don't struggle with a lot). "Because honestly all I know is— Infatuations, observation with a cause, But none of it is love so while I'm waitin' for it, I'll hate everybody" again refers to my generally unhealthy and chaotic behavior regarding crushes and when i like people. "If I could make you love me, Maybe you could make me love me" refers to me being a little codependent on people who truly care, which i guess is part of my manipulation tactics (that was hard to admit to myself), but it's also partly because i really do like and kind of need the support, but it's much less so needing support. "And if I can't make you love me, Then I'll just hate everybody" again, refers to my unhealthy behavior regarding crushes and getting rid of my feelings for people. honestly i think that i have had enough half-assed psychoanalysis (by this i mean i know a bit about psychology through observing others and some teaching things, but am nowhere near 1% of the knowledge i'd need for a degree) of myself from these lyrics, so i'll go into "Without Me" tomorrow, or later today, but for now i'm gonna relax. honestly having done that is also making a LOT more things make sense because now i'm looking back more and i am realizing just how much the BPD diagnosis makes sense, even more so than i already knew it made sense. anyways, that's it for this entry, i hope to see you in the next one, whoever reads this : ) <3

2-9-2022 - 22:40

#107 - Forgiveness

Akasi:

well, [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] and i talked the whole time since my last entry, and they don't hate me, so that's good, and they forgave me, and i'm honestly crying now they they're gone to bed because i'm just so happy to have them back, and as i said, this time i'm going to do better, make damn sure i do right by them this time. god, it's funny, a lot of people on this site have a lot of history, like [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] i've written about since they went by their old name, hell, there's some old entries with their encoded old name still floating around this site, but yeah. honestly i'm just still surprised they gave me another chance. oh, and [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] coincidentally is getting a switch in a couple days, so i'll get to play with them. unrelated, i just realized, i think one reason they gave me another chance was the fact that now i got diagnosed with BPD, and then the switch thing is good, it's funny, i've done stuff like that, make certain coincidences happen to get close to bounty targets when i needed to get close to them first, it's just interesting because i'm worried about manipulating [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] using the things i've noticed i've done in the past in Immortal life, but that stuff was a bit on the extreme end, where it was absolutely necessary, and even then, i almost never do any bounty hits where i need to "play the part", it's a little uncomfortable because i have to adapt my personality to fit exactly what the person wants, so for misogynistic guys, i make myself to be the stereotypical damsel in distress, the fragile dame who wants a big strong alpha male, that sort of thing, make myself exactly fit their idea of what women should be to make myself attractive, and because they think they're tough and that i'm that fragile dame stereotype, i can easily get close to them because they let their guard down, basically i psychoanalyse the bounty target and find what type of person they let their guard down with, and then make myself the embodiment of what that type of person is so that i can get close to them and then kill them when the timing is right. it takes a lot of practice, but i can generally understand what people like, and can psychoanalyze someone based on their vibes, what i sense, and in general do quick psychoanalysis and really get a bead on what type of person they are, which helps for manipulation, but past that, it's a useless skill except for the rare instances of when i was able to deeper understand someone i care about like a friend, which is the only time i will ever use any of these skills with [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57], which i guess now realizing that gives me some comfort that i'm not going to fuck this up, just maybe read into things a bit further than needed, but still, i'm worried, but as i said, i'm gonna try my damndest to do right by [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57], i really am.

2-9-2022 - 21:13

#106 - Making Amends

Akasi:

well, i added [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57] back, and they let me apologize, which if nothing else, at least i got to apologize, get closure, so there's that, which has been great, and after they said they'd give me another chance, that constant kindness that they have, sort of wearing their heart on their sleeve, it almost immediately came back, and i just-  that's what's always astounded me, just how kind they can be, but now realizing that i have BPD and having looked at my behavior, and realizing a lot of it was manipulative, it's a little scary because i don't want to hurt and/or lose them again, but now i'm working on things, i'm getting better, and i'm gonna do better this time, i'm gonna do better, and do right by [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57].

2-7-2022 - 02:06

#105 - Fallout

Akasi:

well, since [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] is important to the universe, i've had to deal with people coming after me for cutting him out of my life, but if they only knew how much he ripped my heart out, and yet, because i can never, ever find anyone who gives a damn about me, all i want is my friend back. that's all i fucking walk, is for [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] to add me back, and apologize, let me apologize, and go back to how things were. that's all i want....     but i can never have that, because he fucking hates me. hell, i've been going back to my old patterns, adding back old friends who i've dropped countless times before because they actually gave a damn about me. it's just the same fucking cycle over and over, lose one friend, try and fail to replace them, then i lose them, try and fail to replace them, and it just keeps happening because nobody ever ends up giving a damn about me, i can't find people who even want to be my friend, and when i do, hell, it's usually because they have nobody else like me. i'm never anyone's first choice, all i've ever been is a consolation prize. [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] had no other friends, a BF he was on the outs with, and all my other friends, well, [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57], who used to go by [49.54;54;49.48], she had almost no friends, and a not so great family, [49.49;50.51;54;49.57;49.54;49.52;49.57] who was my best friend for a time, well, she thinks i have schizophrenia, and also thinks i'm insane, but i did blatantly manipulate her, but that was a whole thing, but she won't believe a word i say to her because of how horribly i fucked up with her, and all i wish i could do is go back in time and make none of that happen. then, way back in this site, there was [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] who i wrote about, and she, well, she had other friends, and seemed to have a pretty good life, and she called the cops on me, and then afterwards proceeded to never speak to me again, and actively try to avoid me. then there was [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] who, well, she ended up not liking me and her and i were never good friends because of how she and i acted with each other, so yeah, taking a brief look back at just people who's names i've encoded to write about on here, everyone only ever became my friend because i was the only person they could call a friend, who wanted to be their friend, and if i wasn't, they dropped me the first chance they got. unrelated, i've been trying to be better, trying to be nicer, i mean on tiktok, whenever i like the tiktok, i compliment the creator, and on a subreddit i'm in that i relate to, i always give tips, helpful info, and in general try to be a nice person, and i have been trying to do this one on one, like with people in a more "real" or "defined" social interaction, like in DMs, or in a party chat, or on a call, and i just fucking can't, like i spew out all this kindness in an attempt to make myself nicer, but i can't, because i just know that none of it will get me friends, none of it will make my life better, and no matter how hard i try, i will still have no friends, and be a depressed bitch on my side of the screen, no matter what i do, or try to do, and nothing makes a difference, now, a couple times, i've almost made friends, but nobody ever seems to like me, or truly, genuinely, give a damn about me. it's like all i am, and all i've ever been is useless, and people only keep me around for a short time, and this is just Mortal life, in Immortal life, do i have people who care? sure, 3, 2 GF's (poly relationship) and a sister that i love to pieces, but you know why my sister sticks around? trauma bonding, i can guarantee you if someone better than me entered her life, she'd abandon me, same with the GFs. i'm just so tired of being someone's punching bag and someone to be used, and in general just be considered useless and good for nothing except to be an example of someone who's not great, but not too bad, and just good enough to be friends until you can find someone to replace me. and even then, if they don't abandon me, all i do is hurt them, despite my best efforts not to hurt them. and this is even ignoring the fact that because of the Autism i can't fucking communicate and that makes this all harder, and the fact that because of BPD i try and manipulate people to not abandon me, so, yeah, all that is only made worse because of those 2, oh, and add in the fact that i'm, you know, an Immortal, and most Mortals don't take that well to begin with, and even then, on top of all that, i can't even find ways to socialize, make friends. honestly. anyways, i know a lot of this is just complaining about the fact that i'm not a good person, but i try not to be. for [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], i got him Nintendo Switch Online so we could play together, made a shared amazon wishlist for us to get each other birthday gifts, i made him a 4 minute slideshow video thing of happy moments on a game we played on switch, and told him i fucking loved him as a brother (remember, chosen family and all that), all within a month of him blocking me, and for the couple weeks before he blocked me, i was starting to work on making our relationship better, talking to him about what i did wrong, how i could make our relationship more healthy, and better, and in general ways to improve, and i just-      it still meant nothing to him......         it's like even if i'm not the greatest person, i try my damndest to be better, to make sure people know that i care, to make sure people know that i want to be their friend, make sure they know i'll always respect them, their boundaries, gender, pronouns, etc, etc, etc, and always try my best to be a good friend, and yet, despite my best efforts, nothing ever changes, and people still block me, still abandon me, and still hurt me, and i'm just so fucking hurt because of it, i mean, i've dealt with so much shit, literally for years, i could go on and on about how shit my life has been, and how almost all of it has just been more and more emotional pain, and psychological pain, and on rare occasions, physical pain, and i know how there's gotta be people who have it worse, but still, i just want a fucking break, literally all i want is a good friend who will stay my friend, and stay by my side, and be loyal, and actually give a shit about me, and make me their first choice, that's all i want, just one bloody friend like that, and yet all i've gotten is abandonment, blocks, and hate, despite every one of my best efforts. honestly i'm just in a lot of pain because i've been thinking about all this lately and i'm actually getting pretty close to suicide, enough that even i'm a little concerned, which says a lot. anyways, i'm sorry for the more spaced out entries as of late, it's just with everything going on, i've been a fucking mess, but i think after a few more weeks, i'll start writing here more regularly. farewell, and i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.

2-3-2022 - 10:11

#104 - I'm Tired

Akasi:

well, firstly, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] hates me, it has been confirmed. they're cut out of my life. in other news, remember those fucks from the No Man's Sky hub civ thing i was in? yeah, well, their main ambassador, who we'll call AH for this entry, has chased me into this other civ i have found, starting a slander campaign by DMing mods screenshot after screenshot of things that i said that they are trying to take out of context, and 99% of which they probably misunderstood, because believe it or not, this has happened before, hell, one time, i got banned from discord for 48 hours because of a fucking misunderstanding about what i was saying. honestly it's the yearly attempt to ruin my life more than it already is fucking ruined. i'm just sick of dealing with this shit, so yeah, this is gonna be a lot of drama, something i fucking hate dealing with, is it fun to hear stories of drama after they're over? sure, but past that i have 0 fondness for drama, it's annoying, wastes time, and 9 times out of 10 i'm caught in the crossfire because i can't fucking communicate. story of my goddamn life. oh, and, to add in, last night, presumably because of knowing now that i have AH apparently trying to hunt me down, and that gave me anxiety, i was shaking in bed for a few hours, unable to sleep. and partially unrelated, most likely because of all this shit piling on (losing [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], this bullshit with AH and them, and this being the part of the year where i struggle) just like i was before i dropped out of High School, the endless thoughts of ways to kill myself looping over and over in my head, those came back. drown myself in the bathtub or the pool by shoving myself into one and inhaling as much ais as i can to drown, shooting myself if i could get a gun, hang myself, it all just keeps fucking looping, and all i can think about is how to make those things happen, so yeah, not only am i dealing with the yearly attempt to ruin my life, but this is on top of already fragile mental health from having lost [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]. honestly this may very well be the month that i finally kill myself, hell, the other night i had the knife to my throat, but my Immortal sis [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52] came in and stopped me. honestly i'm just a fucking mess and i'm sick of dealing with this shit left and right. anyways, yeah, i've left the new civ because i'm not gonna deal with that again, but hey, on the off chance someone from there gives enough shit to talk and fucking EXPLAIN shit to me, and communicate, i might join back, however unlikely that may be, even then, i'd ask them to kick AH before i join back because there's an 80% chance he would keep trying to be a prick behind my back, and i don't trust him. honestly i'm just thankful that eventually, all this will blow over just like every instance of bullshit i've had to deal with.

1-31-2022 - 21:23

#103 - Sadness & Extreme Measures

Akasi:

well, because i'm sick of being hurt, i'm literally building a fucking warning label and bio about me that i'm putting in a google document. it'll have a lot of information about me, and in general really let people know who i am so they can just save me the pain and block me after reading it if they don't want to be friends, that way i'm not spending some huge amount of time on them, only to be shown that they're shitty people. well, i took a second from writing and honestly i'm just too sad and depressed to even do anything, i'm drained of all emotions, i just didn't think that [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] would do something like this to me, i really didn't, well, i worried, and i guess thought he might, it just caught me off guard is why i'm so fucking hurt. and i can't kill him because he's important to the universe and shit, which is because he's important to a prophecy that's been a big thing for a long ass time, anyways, yeah, it's funny, every notification, i keep expecting it to be him adding me back, or texting me or something, but nope. i've blocked him on xbox and nintendo, and i've removed his phone number from favorites (i never delete phone numbers), and as you know, he blocked me on discord, but i left him unblocked there because, well, what the hell. what's weird is he never blocked me on nintendo or xbox, which makes me think that maybe HA left control and somehow [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] didn't get the memories of what happened, even though he's always had perfect recall before, so i keep hoping that [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] will add me back, or text me, or contact me or something, even just 5 fucking minutes so i can get closure with him. something. but nope, that's not happening as it's been an entire day, and still no contact. honestly even if [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] hasn't taken back control, he's probably not going to add me back after everything, after how pissed i am, and how very blatantly i've stated that i want to fucking kill that bastard. honestly i'm about at the end of what i can take, and am ready to just fall apart. honestly i think i'm just gonna go mute for a while, drop off the grid in Mortal and Immortal life outside of making entries to this site so people know i'm alive. i think that's about all i have to type, i'm gonna go and cry, and probably cut, i'll see you in my next entry if i'm still alive. farewell to whoever reads this.......

1-31-2022 - 12:54

#102 - SPITE

Akasi:

well, i'm deleting every message in my DM with [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] because i am that exceedingly pissed off. i'm doing it out of spite because, you see, to me, the chat history is sort of "sacred" and should never be deleted after the next day, and so if i delete it, it shows that i truly hate you, it's essentially the biggest "FUCK YOU" i can ever do to someone, the biggest insult, because you see, the chat history represents memories, our history, and by deleting that, i essentially delete my memories of that person, and delete our friendship and everything we shared, every time i called him "good boy" or validated him, or did something nice, it's all getting deleted, gone, forever. it's essentially a giant neon flashing sign that says "I FUCKING HATE YOU". now, if he decides to be friends again, i'm probably gonna say no unless he fucking begs for me back. but if he does, then this can serve as a "clean slate" for us, even though it's a slate cleaned with spite. anyways, i'll be deleting the 10,000+ messages i ever sent him, and i'll make another entry once i'm done. see you in a bit.

1-30-2022 - 22:28

#101 - I'm Fucking Done

Akasi:

so, another Alter from [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]'s system (different one than i mentioned in my last entry that hasn't been out in a year who we'll call HA for this entry) said that i am "too much" for [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], and "emotionally draining". funny, that's the exact same fucking thing i've had people say to me in the past, and the same fucking thing i keep hearing because i'm needy, and it's fucking annoying, and i am so fucking sick of it. like bitch, fuck off, and it's funny because i have tried in the past to fucking change that, but nope, apparently i can't fucking change that, so what's the fucking point in having people in my fucking life. honestly, HA was a fucking prick, honestly. it's just fucking annoying that no matter what i fucking do, nothing seems to fucking change, so what's the goddamn point in fucking trying to change if it does nothing. and this is something i have been working on for LITERALLY 4 FUCKING YEARS, and look where the hell i am! getting called "too much" and "emotionally draining" by some fucking hermit Alter, HA. you know, just to fucking spite HA, i'm gonna ignore them, their entire system for a fucking week or some shit. something to fucking spite them, because i am sick of getting called things like this, i really fucking am. also, yes, this is a pet peeve, and another reason i'm pissed is because [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] hates HA according to HA, so who the fuck is he to say that i'm "too much" or "emotionally draining" for [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]!! it's like he's trying to fucking gaslight the stability of the relationship, or make me doubt the stability of [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] and I's relationship, it's fucking-   god i am so fucking pissed!!!! on an unrelated note: to HA if you're reading this: wholeheartedly fuck you. and to [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] if you're reading this: i'm sorry if any of this upsets you or offends you, but HA is a real prick, and if i'm currently ghosting you, i'm sorry. wow, i just took a break from typing, and guess what? HA FUCKING BLOCKED ME. wow. honestly fuck that whole relationship. it's funny, i keep worrying that people are going to leave me, and abandon me, and they say they won't, they say it would never happen, and all these other false reassurances, and GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, THEY ALWAYS FUCKING BLOCK ME. i'll be up all night planning and plotting how to kill [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] now. i am fucking sick of this shit.

1-29-2022 - 07:48

#100 - Social Dynamics Are Hard

Akasi:

well, apparently someone from my brother [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]'s system (he's a system, OSDD as oppose to DID (difference basically means he remembers what happens when other Alters are in control, whereas with my DID, i do not)) has decided he likes Winchester from my system, so that's-  this just happened last night and god help me. sibling dynamic with me and [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], and relationship dynamic with my system's protector and someone from his system. i just figured that an update would be nice, and now y'all know the next struggle in my life lmfao. god, it's like my life is a fucking TV show and new problems keep coming up, like that show's "big bad" (not that any of this is bad, it's just stuff i gotta deal with), like it's this, then before this it was BPD and dealing with figuring out if i have it, and then before that it was dealing with how to fit [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] back into my life and those struggles, and it's like this keeps happening. i mean i guess it makes sense because of 2 reasons: i sometimes like to live life as if i'm the main character or the main side character of a TV show (which works bc gay characters get killed off in most shows, and i sometimes get suicidal, so i guess that works lol), and the second reason being that coincidence loves to fuck me in the ass. and as i typed that i remembered Winchester and the person in [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]'s system are guys. i hate intrusive thoughts i swear. well at least my brother [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] is dealing with it. hopefully Winchester doesn't fuck up our relationship, even though i doubt he will, he's always been really respectful of things. i swear it feels like i'm in some sort of reality TV show sometimes. i'm gonna go play video games and hope that this doesn't get more complex than it needs to be. also, i know i say "lol" and "lmfao" and stuff in this entry and laugh, that's partly because i use humor to hide things, like how i truly think my life is gonna go to hell in a handbasket over this and am really worried, luckily if nothing else, if things go wrong, i can get Winchester to break up with him, most likely, that is. i hope to see you in my next entry, ready to read whatever god forsaken hell has become of my life that i may write about. 

1-26-2022 - 06:25

#99 - Borderline Personality Disorder

Akasi:

well, it turns out, i have BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. not only does another Alter, Mxy agree (them and i have made entries in the past about this), but an old therapist thought i might, and my current therapist and Brother, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] both agree that i have it, enough my therapist said "yep, it's official" for diagnosis. so great, only took me, what, 2 years of denial since my older therapist said i might have it, and 3 ish weeks of denial when Mxy said they thought i had it heh *awkwardly chuckles* but seriously, yeah, uhh, good to know i guess. honestly i'm crying because for the past like, 2 hours, i've been on tiktok, looking at creators who talk about BPD (looking for coping mechanisms, and you know, people to relate to), and holy shit do a lot of these things apply to me, and i am quickly realizing just how fucking much BPD has been affecting me, i mean, the more i watched and saw, the more i was like "ok, so that behavior/habit that i dismissed years ago as just part of my personality, and just part of who i am is actually because of BPD and nobody fucking told me" so yeah, i've been kind of crying because now i finally understand what the hell has been going on with me, and i can actually start looking for shit that helps, instead of stumbling in a room that's half lit, because the Autism that i've had for years (official diagnosis, just to be clear) i can deal with and cope with, but for a while now, i have been saying that there has to be something else going on with me, some other condition, and i could not for the LIFE OF ME figure out what it is, until now, now i know it's BPD, which finally turned the lights on in the other half of the room, so i can look around for coping mechanisms, things to do, all of this, and hopefully make therapy more beneficial for me too, and in general i just finally know what the fuck is going on, which is why i'm crying right now, and have been as i type this entry. god, i actually need to update the About Me section of this site, which i just realized. i'm gonna go do that. well, got that done, updated it, and honestly that's about it, because i need a bit to sort of get myself together again heh, so yeah, i'm gonna end this entry here, and i hope to see whoever reads this in the next entry. farewell.

1-21-2022 - 08:03

#98 - More Poems

Akasi:

well, i made another poem in Things to Quote, it's long, and it explains a lot, but yeah, that's there now, anyways, in unrelated news, i got Dishonored, and before you say it, i mean the video game, not actual Dishonor, like Immortal Dishonor, so no need to lose it lol, i have plans to never come close to being dishonorable, ever. now, i must say that it's a really cool video game. it's hard as hell, and i am struggling a bit, but goddamn do i fucking love it. it's the only game that i've started on hard mode, and then bumped up to very hard (second highest difficulty, then bumped to highest), and plan on keeping it there. it's super cool, and i absolutely love it, but i'm a bit stuck on one part, so i'll have to look into how to get past that part. as for everything else? honestly all is well, and i'm really happy with how things have been going, it's amazing. also, one other note: yes, my last two entries were back to back, and yes the first one (from 00:44, #96) took me like 12 minutes to type lol (entries are 13 minutes apart but publishing, loading, and adding a text box to the page takes about a minute off that), i type hella fast, and my mind moves at a million miles an hour, and my fingers are generally able to keep up with the speed of my mind much faster than my mouth ever could, hence my love of typing things, and typing on here, and texting people with a nice keyboard, or even on phone. but yeah, if you ever see another couple entries that are that close together, no, i did not mess with the times any, i always time and date my entries properly, and if i fuck up the date i make sure to correct it in an entry soon after usually. just like how i never delete or edit entries after publishing, i never put the incorrect time or date as a show of trust to anyone who reads this, besides, this is my vent space, it's not like i need to edit entries or anything lol. anyways, that's about it. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this : )

1-20-2022 - 00:57

#97 - My Brother

Akasi:

completely unrelated to my last entry, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] ended up adding me back and he and i are on good terms, oh, and my GFs (two, polyamorous, i'll encode the second one's name soon and write an entry on them) and i are on good terms again, so that's good, and yeah, in general things have been going good. also, sorry for the two entries so close together, i wrote the last one, then kinda got out of my "mysterious bitch who knows a lot" sort of mindset/way of speaking lol, and then read the entry before last and figured i should update that topic and tell y'all how my personal life has been going lol, not that hardly anyone reads my site, but still, it's good for me to vent, and hey, as i said in About Me, i just hope that some of this will help you in some way. anyways, farewell, and i hope to see you in my next entry.

1-20-2022 - 00:44

#96 - Faith and Loyalty

Akasi:

in Immortal life, i don't believe in much, a higher power being one of them, but one thing i have always believed in was a certain prophecy that was written many years ago, and by one of the greatest prophets ever to exist, and one day, i met the person who i thought that prophecy was about, as nothing more than a science experiment, and i freed him, and ever since i met him i had a hunch he was part of that prophecy, and in recent days, that prophecy has been confirmed, and that he is the one who it follows. he doesn't know this, but i have always had faith in him, in that prophecy, in my role in it, ever since i read it all those years ago. if there's anything i believe in, it's him, and the prophecy, and i have waited to find out who it was in that prophecy, so i could follow him, and now knowing it's who i thought, it only makes the fact of our friendship even more astounding, because i was lucky enough to have been his friend, and to be in this prophecy, be a part of this, and what it states. i know this may sound like blind faith to you, and it is, but even if he accomplishes half the things this prophecy states, then it will be a true honor to be able to be a part of this. and after the prophecy has run its course, after all of this, at the end of the road, when blind faith has ended, and i'm no longer a part of this, i'll have an amazing friend who i get to spend eternity with, who i get to be close with, a true, genuine friend. this is something that i have been preparing for since i read that prophecy almost 2 trillion years ago, and it's something that i truly have been looking forward to. i will leave this here for now, and in coming years i may update this topic, but for now, all i can do is wait, and help forge him into the best person he can be by hammering out what little flaws he has. for now, this is all i will write. farewell, and i hope to see you in my next entry.

1-18-2022 - 17:49

#95 - I Don't Even Know

Akasi:

well, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] hasn't added me back, so i guess that's that. i guess he really does hate me. who knows, maybe he'll add me back tomorrow, but i doubt it. i've been sick to my stomach because of guilt too, i had to force myself to eat something (small bowl of macaroni and cheese), but that'll probably be my last meal for a few days. anyways, i've gotten a bit better, as in i don't want to kms still, but SH is still highly likely, so i'll let you know how it goes in my next entry, whenever that may be. i hope to see you in my next entry.

1-18-2022 - 15:50

#94 - I've Really Ruined It

Akasi:

well, it's official: [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] hates me. i sent a couple long messages last night trying to communicate and he hasn't replied all day. i removed him on discord and before i did i told him to add me back if he doesn't hate me, and still wants me in his life, but i doubt he will because part of what i told him last night in those long messages was to ask himself if i make his life worse, his depression, and with the lack of replying all day, i'm guessing that the answer to that question is a yes. it's funny, i figured he'd block me if he hated me, but i never thought he'd ghost me. i miss calling him already. it's funny, he said he'd always be here for me in case i didn't want him in my life and pushed him away, that he'd always take me back, but now it's him showing me that he doesn't want me in his life so i removed him, loopholes i guess. it's funny, i really thought i'd never lose him, and now that i did, it's just-    i don't even know what to do. honestly i'm considering a lot, from a noose, to tylenol, to a knife across my throat, or just cutting a lot. we'll see i guess....        anyways, yeah, i'm in a lot of pain. i guess if he adds me back then i should really trust that i won't lose him and stop being so worried. honestly my worrying is a big thing and part of the reason he probably hates me, so i guess i should stop that if he adds me back. i'll see you in my next entry i guess.....

1-17-2022 - 14:21

#93 - New Year Cleanup

Akasi:

well, i updated some of the other pages on this site, and also cleaned up the remaining entries from 2020. i've decided that this page will have the current year and the previous year, and all entries older will be moved to the Library for long-term storage (sorted by date range, you'll see). so now this page just has entries from this year, 2022, and last year, 2021 and then next year it'll be entries from 2023 and 2022, and 2021 will be moved to the Library. you'll understand. i also cleaned up the little header text box on this page and some other little things here and there to clean the site up a bit.