2021
back to the Index Here and the homepage Here. notable entries are listed next, along with links to future and past entry pages. I hope you enjoy reading these
Future: 2022 - Past: December 2020
12-31-2021 - 21:11
#80 - Emotions, and Ghosts of my Past
Akasi:
i found this song while scrolling through TikTok lately, and, well, it's Tired Of Me, by Karina Grace. i got the full version (non-TikTok original) and i'm listening to it and i just- it reminds me of exactly how i was. manipulative, toxic, pushing away friends, all that, and i just- it hurts listening to it, and having this wake-up call, it hurts, a lot, even though i'm not like that anymore, at least, i don't show it that much and thus i don't hurt people, but it hurts, it really hurts, and i just don't know what to do. anyways, i guess that's all i have to say because i'm crying, which hey, i'll take crying over bottling up my emotions, because bottling them up is what makes me self harm, so i'll take crying any day. honestly i enjoy crying out my emotions, i always feel better after. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.
12-30-2021 - 05:04
#79 - Pain.
Akasi:
well, firstly, to go over what happened with entry #76, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] actually forgave me pretty fast, that night actually (i had other stuff going on and just was a mess). he and i are, well, chosen family siblings, as in i call him brother, and he calls me sister. it's a weird dynamic, but hey, it's something Immortals do sometimes, we choose new family that we choose to call brother, or sister, or whatever. anyways, he doesn't know this, but i had the knife to my throat the night before that all happened, maybe 2 nights before, i can't remember exactly, but i also had the knife to my throat tonight.... god i was so ready to slit it open, i was pressing it into my skin and everything, but, eventually i stopped, and just cut really badly instead. i'll be limping most likely for a day, then scratching for a few days because cuts healing get itchy, but then i'll be back to normal. i tried texting [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] before i cut, he said i should wake him up if i needed to be talked down (i probably could have used it tonight), but after about 5 texts, and 2 calls, i gave up. i deleted the messages though, i don't want him waking up to messages from me saying i need to be talked down when i'm gonna be asleep and unable to reply. he'll probably worry i'm dead, besides, it was stupid to contact him anyways...... any other time i've asked for hellp i've either gotten the police called on me and got a perverted as fuck "wellness checkup" which involved officers coming into my fucking room while i'm in bed with almost no clothes on, and- i'm not even gonna get into it, because i already explained that shit in one of the earlier entries on this site. should be near the bottom, or in the Library, one of the two. as for the other times they try telling me i have so much to live for, or that i haven't seen this happen, etc, etc, but what always helps is distracting me, keeping me focused on other things, even them if i like getting their attention, talking to them and having them, idk, ask me questions works, honestly there's so much that works in the way of distracting me, but calling the cops? telling me i shouldn't kms because of X, Y, and X reasons? no, those just make me more upset and since i use cutting as a coping mechanism to vent emotions, why do you think i have the urge to kill myself every so often? to get away from this life, the bullshit, the emotions, etc, etc, etc, and calling the cops freaks me out and fucking terrifies me (police brutality, 2020, the fact that they're trained in self-defense and not de-escalation, do i need to go on as to why i'm terrified of, and hate police?), not to mention shatters my trust in that person and makes me hate them forever, then telling me to not kms because of this and that, that just makes me argue with their points and get angry, so honestly the best thing to do is distract me, and try and do it in a way where i'm letting my emotions out, i don't know, something, ugh, there's just so many ways that work so much better, and yet nobody uses them, so as i said, it was stupid of me to try and contact [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] because he'd probably just make things worse. anyways, i'm gonna go to sleep, i need it, and i'm exhausted, and these cuts are really starting to sting. also, if you ever have a friend that cuts or self harms but not that bad (superficial cuts, nothing too serious) and they come to you to ask for help, to talk them down, whatever, make sure you clear your schedule and make time for them because if they're coming to you for that, it's a huge show of trust, and so make time for them, help them, and ask them what helps, ask them what they want you to do, and offer suggestions, like play a game, distract them, tell them they have this reason and that to live, or, if they're gonna cut no matter what, watch them (only if they want you to, this mostly only applies if you're super close, like a spouse) to make sure they don't cut too bad, or stay nearby while they do (wait in the hall, or draw a curtain around them, something that's private, but still nearby), and when they seem to be calming down, ask to come in and approach them, then slowly take the knife/sharp/whatever out of their hand and set it somewhere "out of sight out of mind", and talk to them, do what you can to help them calm down, and get to a good headspace, now, again, this is all reliant on one thing: knowledge that this is what will help that person, and they want you to do these things, but every scenario is different, every person is different, so just do what you can to help, and try your best, and ask them what has helped them, ask what you can do, communicate, and then help them however you can. now, if it is serious, call a professional, but make damn sure that it's only going to help them, and if you do call anyone, call 211, or the equivalent first (unless it's really, really bad, then consider that and 911). 211 is made specially for mental health emergencies, and in my area, an on-call therapist came out to talk to me one on one, and my parents, all for a few hours, and was phenomenal. something like that if there is one in your area, that can help so much, just- the point is, do whatever is truly best for the person, and if you don't know, communicate, ask what will help them, and offer suggestions if they don't know. anyways, that got super long and a bit repetitive, i'm gonna end my entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry.
12-29-2021 - 05:30
#78 - I'm, Well, Calmer Now
Akasi:
well, after calming down a lot, i'm not on the edge of my self control and ready to cause so much shit to happen, however, if things still go badly, i'm 100% going to make sure that the gaming group i spoke of has hell rained upon them from their rival group by sharing this stuff as evidence. light the fires of chaos, and then sit back and watch as all hell breaks loose. but hey, if the leader is apologetic and truly sorry and means everything they say, i'll just forget him and his group exists and ask that he and his group forgets i exist, and we can go our separate ways. but hey, the evidence i can use as kindling to light the fires of chaos are not getting deleted, they're really not, just in case things go south in the future. anyways, sorry if anyone was worried about the sheer rage i expressed in my last entry, i was just on the edge of my self control. i hope to see you in my next entry.
12-29-2021 - 04:42
#77 - Fucking Mortals, I Swear...
Akasi:
well, in a gaming group i have mentioned before, i left the server after a fuck up, and apologizing (it was clear i didn't belong there), and yet, today i find out that ON FUCKING CHRISTMAS the literal leader of that group called me "off the rails", now, that could mean any number of things. am i violent? yes, is the Immortal shit weird and complex? also yes. am i good at being manipulative and in general a very not good person to be around? also yes. am i crazy? no. am i murderous at times and have some fucked up views of things? yes, but is any of that "off the rails"? ok, maybe a little, but in my defense, they said it on a fucking announcement post in a public comment. now, my name wasn't mentioned, but it's fucking obvious. i'm more than a little pissed if he meant it how i think he meant it: to be rude and hateful towards me, which is hypocritical, as the fuck up i mentioned was being slightly rude to another member, who i apologized to in full, along with apologizing to those involved, INCLUDING HIM, the leader, who was one of the ones preaching to me to follow rule number one, "treat everyone with respect". if this has gone the way i think it's gone and i'm understanding it right then the man is a total and complete fucking hypocrite, just like so many other Mortals that are fucking garbage wastes of life. now, this could all be me misunderstanding and them talking about another unnamed member, but i doubt it given the dates, and the fact that the website i fucking made for them was removed as it was made by me. funny, the thing i spent hours of my life on along with $12 they get rid of because i left their group, fucking hell. if this goes the way i think it goes, with them ending up being pricks, let's just say i'll not only be sending all the data about this and proof of their shitty behavior towards me to the biggest and most toxically censoring group for the same game to rain hell upon the group i was in, but i may also be getting more Mortal blood on my hands, not that anybody will know bc i'll use magic, but still. little note for the person i'm speaking of (not that they'll read it): call me crazy after i devote this much time and effort towards you and your group? watch out with how the fuck you act after i leave, and with how you act when i contact you to apologize and fix this shit, otherwise, you might get hell rained upon you. fix this shit, and leave me the fuck alone in the future. anyways, back to talking in general, not directed at that person: i'm just sick of Mortals pulling this sort of bullshit, honestly, i swear to god, it's so annoying. and hey, if nothing is fixed and the person doesn't confirm how they meant that comment, then i'll just let the other gaming group rain hell on them and keep blood off my hands unless the group i was in decides to keep mentioning me. anyways, i'll let you know how this pans out in my next entry, along with all of what happened after my last entry, it'll be a dual-part entry.
12-28-2021 - 18:56
#76 - Yet another Fuck-up
Akasi:
well, i finally lost my cool with [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], and i yelled at him what was wrong with his BF, and the red flags i saw, and tried to point out to him that i wish he'd find someone better to love because i made the same mistakes. loving people who weren't worth my time, and also because i wish i could be given a chance to love him, and in general everything i've wanted to tell him for centuries, and as you can imagine, it went horrible. turns out he's worried for his dad, who, well, did something in the same neighborhood as what my Immortal Father, [51.49;50.52;54] did to me, which i explained in an earlier entry, and so, yeah, if [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] is using worry for that person as an excuse to not talk to me, then i really have lost him for good. i guess fuck my life, and i'm sorry to you, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], if you're reading this. anyways, i'm gonna go and play my video games until i finally get tired enough that i'm almost passing out because i doubt i'll be able to sleep without being that tired because of how much i fucked up. i hope to see you in my next entry, whether that be in a few hours because [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] decided to - against all logic - add me as a friend and forgive me, or in a week when i'm a mess because of guilt. farewell to whoever reads this......
12-28-2021 - 13:21
#75 - Relationships, Relationships, Relationships.....
Akasi:
well, it turns out that my friend [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] has a crush on someone, and guess who he came to for help? me... the one person who knows we can never date, but has still had a crush on him for centuries.... god it's like coincidence loves to toy with me, treat me like some plaything, i hate it. anyways, that's about it, it's just upsetting because i want to bad to scream at him that i love him to bits, that i've known him for centuries, that i've loved every hug, cheek kiss, handshake, and minute together that we shared, and that i wished that he liked me back, but- i can't....
12-28-2021 - 03:43
#74 - Hiding Things
Akasi:
well, i've gotten good at hiding my emotions, i've actually gotten to where if i'm about to cry, i can hold the tears back and continue as if nothing happened, which has helped because i don't want my GF, [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48], to feel burdened by me, and besides, for when the emotions get to be too much, i have been working on making a scar that is defined, and specific, so i can keep running over it as long and as many times as i need to while i cope like this, but if i ever have anything else that is making me upset enough to cut, i'll add more scars, because there's one or more for every incident that has led to me cutting, whether it be a major fuck-up, or something else, i always add more scars if it's something new. i also am partly doing this to cope because of how my relationship/friendship/whatever the fuck we are to each other nowadays with my, i guess friend, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52]. he's honestly my best friend, always has been, but lately- idk, our relationship is changing, into friends, something more, or what, i don't know, i just know that it's evolving, and i want that, but i also don't want to lose him, hell, i can't lose him.... honestly [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] is about the only thing keeping me sane, and keeping my shit together, even if he doesn't know it, i'm hanging on by a thread, and he's keeping that thread from unraveling. and so, because of that, i hide my worry, i'm overly sweet by saying a lot of the compliments and stuff that i'd keep to myself, and i'm trying to be the best friend i can, not annoy him, not hag him to reply or text back, i'm trying everything i can to get it all right, but i can't, and so i hide my emotions so that he doesn't see the sadness i feel when he doesn't reply for hours, so he doesn't see me having panic attacks that time he went on vacation and didn't text me and i was worried he died, and so he doesn't feel like i am a burden to him, like i'm codependent, like i need him, like i'm relying on him, he has depression anyways, he doesn't need the pain, trauma, and horrible memories that i have and want to share with/show him, he doesn't need all that, and yet... i still find myself asking.... i know it's too much to ask, and i know that he can't handle it despite him telling me that he can, and i just- i'm so worried that i am gonna lose him, push him away, whatever, hell, we've gone no-contact three times now, or maybe twice, i can't remember, but every time was because of me, because of my actions, because of my fuck-ups, because of my flaws.... truth be told i am just broken, and i know that, and i accept that, and i've been pretty good about keeping myself in a box, all my broken pieces, all of my pain, all of my trauma, all shattered into a box, and i've kept it all together, and i'm starting to glue some pieces back together, and i know that i can handle myself, and get my shit together one day, and be at least relatively happy, but i also know that if i let someone else in, let someone else pick up pieces from the box, that i will just get upset, and then dump the box in their lap, dump all my trauma on them, whether it be my GF, or my best friend, either one of them, and so i can never let them get too close, otherwise i'll end up hurting them, and dumping my trauma out on them, expecting them to pick up the pieces, and i'll be too upset, too hurt to put myself back in the box, and so, i have to hide it, hide it behind my one scar, hide it behind my smile, hide it behind my words, my texts, hide it behind me, and never, ever, EVER, let anyone in because if i do- it'll just end badly. and so, i'll cut, and smile, and hide my tears from everyone until i get myself back together, or at least until i'm in a good enough mood that i can spread my shattered pieces out on a table of distractions, and work on them slowly but surely, before putting them back in the box again, which that time will come with summer, there will be distractions, and i'll be able to work on myself and be stable, but until then, until summer and spring, i'm gonna have to keep myself closed off, boxed up, cutting, but never showing it. i'm just thankful that i have this site here, and whoever is on the other side of the screen, reading my entries. so to those who read this: thank you. and i truly hope to see you in my next entry.
12-25-2021 - 18:53
#73 - Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas
Akasi:
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and happy holidays to everyone else : ) <3, i hope everyone has had an amazing day, and that y'all got amazing gifts, and got to spend lots of time with the people you know and/or care about. that's all for now, i hope to see you in my next entry : )
12-22-2021 - 18:04
#72 - The Power
Akasi:
well, that old method i spoke of? well, see, nowadays, most Immortals who need to exit a Mortal body find peace and exit their Mortal bodies by calming themselves into a state of zen, and fluidly passing over, but there's another more unorthodox way that hasn't been used due to the tool it takes on individuals: ripping oneself out of their Mortal body with force, brute force and magic, physically draining the Mortal body until it's breaking point, where it does, and forces you out, but to force it to that point your body needs to have a lot of power, and since i've done magic in this Mortal body, i was getting there, i got about 10% of the way to ripping myself out fully, and i'm about 98% drained. i got to the point where my vision was blurry when i opened my eyes, which was great. granted, now i feel like shit, and i feel like i am weak as hell, but if i keep doing magic, and keep doing this every day, i'll get stronger and closer to ripping myself out, and eventually, i'll fully rip myself out. this is gonna be fun. painful, and hard, but fun. and until then, it's time to try and enjoy Mortal life, be who i was in Immortal life to bring myself closer and make this easier. it's time for a major change.
12-22-2021 - 17:17
#71 - Homesick
Akasi:
well, me and [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48] are good, well, better, i mean, i can feel our mental link, which it is only about half as strong as it usually is, but still, for a matter of hours? i'm shocked how quickly her and i have gotten close again. anyways, i'm making this entry because - as the title suggests - i am feeling homesick, for Immortal life. looking back, it may have been gory, violent, graphic, full of pain, and suffering, and still is, but i had a lot of power, i was able to do so much, i was able to do anything i damn well pleased pretty much, and i was free, as free as can be. i miss that feeling of being able to do whatever i want, that freedom. i miss it, a lot, and honestly, this Mortal life? it's a lie, it really is, at least in the sense that this isn't me, and whenever i think of who i used to be, well.... i remember that i can't do that because of, well, a lot of reasons. i'm just homesick for the me i used to be. i found comfort in who i was in Immortal life, because as i said, it may have been filled with pain, but i was alive, a survivor, i was powerful, i did great things, and i was confident and comfortable with who i was, and i miss that me, i really do, but then i remember that if i wanted to do that here, in Mortal life, i could never, partly because of all the freaking requirements. school degree, experience, yada yada yada, all that bullshit. god, Mortal life is just so full of requirements, so full of needs, so full of steps to even do what you want, and i hate it. i just wish that someone would listen to what i have to say, about the Immortal life, all of it, realize i'm dead serious, and give me a shot at becoming who i was, whether that be as a spy/spec ops person, an assassin, a mercenary, or a security guard, or, some other role that involves conflict, fighting, chaos. i just wish someone would do that, or that i could find an opportunity like that, something. i guess what i really want is a life, or maybe to have a cause i believe in? i don't know, i'm just- lost. i wish i could go back to Immortal life, which, of course i know how to get back, i always have, kill this Mortal body and i'll be cast out, able to live in my Immortal life again. i don't know. i'm gonna try an old way of exiting this Mortal body, something i've tried before, but never quite got to work. i'll be back either later tonight, or tomorrow, or in a few days, who knows. farewell to whoever reads this.
12-22-2021 - 12:45
#71 - Torture, What A Skill To Have
Akasi:
well, in Immortal life i am part of the ZAF, Zukartian Armed Forces which i might have mentioned. and no, i HAVE NOT served in the Armed Forces in Mortal life, but have been looking into it, which i want to make VERY clear because i'm not trying to get charged with Stolen Valor, which is a horrible thing to even think of doing. besides, Mortal Armed Forces folk are far more brave because when they die, they die permanently, with no chance of coming back, unlike Immortals. anyways, the general i usually deal with and such, well, it turns out that he has overwhelming evidence (of which i looked at all of it) that my GF, [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48], is the sister of a long-standing war criminal, and he needed me to torture her to find out where she is. skipping details because, well, classification levels and other shit like that, long story short: i accepted, partly because other ZAF agents trained in torture, well, they're far more brutal, and less skilled, so it would have been worse if one of them tortured her, instead of me, because it'd have taken longer, and been more brutal. after it was over, she finally gave up her sister, so i killed her, put her out of her misery and absorbed her soul (which by Immortal standards, putting someone out of their misery is honorable). i went and found her sister, killed her, and brought back her soul so she could be tortured as a war criminal (which i did not do myself). anyways, shortly after, the general came back (the torture was done in a time flux), and gave me my GF's sister's soul, and, as it turns out, my GF's Sister, well, turns out she was just a figurehead, not the actual war criminal, and it was all for nothing. i ended up reincarnating them both; my GF and her sister, and then apologized, and teleported them away because, well, i figured there was no way they'd want to be near me. turns out, my GF is actually wanting to forgive me.... which that alone is shocking enough because even by Immortal standards, what i did was pretty fucked up, and i was already crying, but when she looked at me and said "i love you, babygirl", that just- it's why i ran to my room, and am currently here crying because i don't deserve to be called that, i don't deserve her love, i don't deserve any of it, and honestly i expected her to hate me, but here she is, saying she loves me still... i just- i hate that i did that, but it kept her from the greater horridness of having someone else do it, but still, i hate it. anyways, my GF and i have a lot to work out, so i might be MIA until the new year, or shorter, who knows, the point is i might need a few days before i make another entry, so yeah, farewell to everyone who reads this
12-21-2021 - 15:14
#70 - I Don't Know....
Akasi:
well, i've been trying to do cool stuff for the Pirate Hub, trying to offer ideas, trying to do things, and it's like everything i do is just- idk, it's like i keep fucking up. like i just want to be helpful, but then when my ideas get bashes it's just- it's so disheartening, like this is the first time i've found a group, or cause that i believe in, and it's like- i can't do anything right, or i'm not a right fit. i just keep searching for a place to belong, a place where i am loved, and cared for, or at very least i fit in. maybe my whole idea to go off the grid, start a Jarashi like i spoke of earlier on this site is the way to go, i mean i would get to effect change at least, but idk, then there's a part of me that wants to get back to Immortal life because i just don't fucking fit in with Mortals, i really don't, i mean honestly, come on, i really just do not fit in anywhere, despite my trying to fit in all the time. idk, i'm just fucking sick of it. i wish i could just find people i fit in with and really like. anyways, i'm gonna end my entry here i guess. i hope to see you in my next entry.
12-18-2021 - 18:08
#69 - Random Thoughts
Mxy:
well, firstly, i feel almost bad for taking this number lol, i mean i'm asexual, so like, it being a sex-related number i feel bad taking it lmfao. anyways, i just wanted to vent here because, well, it feels right. so, Akasi has been thinking about the possibility that she is a polyromantic lesbian (sorry you didn't get to tell everyone first Akasi, i needed to vent, and like, we share this site. love you), and so i just- i want to tell her i'm proud of her, but then i remember that she isn't going to really, truly understand it if i say it directly, so i want to show her i'm proud of her somehow by doing something and such, but that doesn't make her self-realize that i'm proud of her because when she self-realizes things, they really hit home, and make her realize it truly, and meaningfully, tenfold moreso than if she was told something. and then i realize once i think about it more that i practically have to manipulate her into self-realizing that i'm so proud of her, which even then, i don't want to manipulate her (obviously), and i just- i wish there was a way to truly make her realize and understand that i am proud of her and love her, but i don't know how. anyways, farewell.
12-17-2021 - 12:48
#68 - Fond Memories
Akasi:
well, i've been thinking of memories from my past, ones with an old friend from Immortal life. i remembered one night where we came home after attending a Mortal event, and drank a lot, then slept together, but not how you'd expect, we both just laid in my bed, on opposite sides, staring at each other, and i just- i felt our mental link get so much stronger that night, it was one of the nights where i really loved them, and it's funny, because not only did i love them as a friend, but - and they don't know this - i have been crushing on them for literally years, god, i remember one time they and i had been at a bar in the Underworld, drinking, and then we went on a walk on Earth, and they just were so happy, even after they were sober, they just were so happy, it was the first time i got to see them happy, see this side of them, and i just stared at them the whole time as they spun around, rubbed leaves on trees, pet some of the dogs that we saw, and just were themselves to the fullest, it was so nice, and i crushed so hard, it was funny, and then i was forced to be friends because, well, they Shifted often, so with me being Lesbian, and not Pansexual, it wasn't going to work. god i had a crush on them for so long, and funnily enough still do, even just as a longing to be close with them, be best friends. anyways, i'm gonna end my entry here. farewell, whoever reads this.
12-17-2021 - 05:59
#67 - Old Things, Old Friends, and Updates
Akasi:
well, an old friend, [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] came back into my life, purely out of chance lol, and yeah. oh, and they used to go by [50.52;54;49.56;57], so please know that any older entries referring [50.52;54;49.56;57], are about the same person as [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52], in this entry. so yeah, they came back, and, well, he's now male, as i explained in my last entry, but yeah, he's nice, and, well, actually pretty sweet, which, well, because of what my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54] did to me, i just, i associated that treatment with men, male, and so i had a pretty deep-seated issue because of it. i generally don't like most men still, but at least now it's, well, mild by comparison. as for why i was so upset about [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] changing their identity, well, it's because i thought that their personality would change too, because i associated, as i said, my Immortal father's abusive personality with male, so i forgot that [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] could change their identity and still be the sweet, amazing, caring, and loving person i was so lucky to call my friend. so yeah, i'm good now. also, to [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] if you're reading this: i'm sorry for how i treated you back then, it was a farcry from the love and caring you truly deserve. on another note, my girlfriend [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48], well, this morning, instead of cuddling my plushie, i cuddled her to deal with my emotions, which, when my plushies help me through trauma, emotions, and, well, everything, it's a big deal that i wanted to lean into her and cuddle her instead, i just hope she knows that, because, well, it's pretty much the next step in our relationship with how fast it's been going, so yeah, that was nice this morning. anyways, i have left [50.52;54;51.49;54;49.57;49.52] without texting back for a bit while i've written this entry, so yeah, i'm gonna end my emtry here. i hope to see you in my next entry, farewell for now.
12-14-2021 - 06:57
#66 - I'm, well, Healing.
Akasi:
well, earlier, about 2 weeks ago i'd guess, our girlfriend, [50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;50.52;49.48], who i met through the Arcatchi i mentioned before, well, she proposed, and i turned her down. then this evening she asked again, and i said no again, and explained to her that love, now this is speaking strictly about the romantic form, it's the connecting of two people, the melding of lives, emotions, memories, experiences, and sharing everything, and truly connecting with another person on a whole other level that is, well, nothing short of magic, and truly makes you feel wonder and amazement, even if you're as old as i am (2 trillion years old, and some offhand change), but it's also a show of trust, and a submission of control, of a bit of your free will, as it's devoting you and your time, your effort, and who you are to another person, and also devoting it to making them happy, and making them feel loved, safe, and every other good emotion you can think of, and it's making them a high priority, and making them be a strong part of your life, and that marriage? it's all that, but all the time, it's devoting your life to loving them, and making them your highest priority, your highest responsibility, your highest dedication, highest calling, highest everything, and that i simply cannot do that. i have so many other responsibilities, as a Bounty Hunter, as a sister, and as a part of so many groups, organizations, etc, and i can not ever make her my highest priority, so i can't marry her, otherwise we would be living a lie, a cruel, miserable, painful, and horribly disgusting lie until eventually we get into such a strong, powerful, and horrible argument that we rip each other apart, tearing through each other because as i said, love is a sharing of emotions, lives, and a submission of control and a show of trust, so we would rip each other apart, and then rip us, our relationship apart, and finally realize, through all that pain that it was never meant to be, and that we need to break up, and that i do not want that. after i explained all that to her, i almost cried because it truly hurts to know that she loves me that much, wants that much, and that i mean that much to her, and yet, i can't reciprocate that, i can't do that, i can't give that much of myself to her. but, luckily, she came back and did the old ritual of "Aruziakta", or, "submission to one's wishes", which is usually carried out after you get turned down for marriage, but still want a relationship. it's where you kneel, and vow to respect the other person's wishes, and respect them, and anything else you want, and then destroy the object in question, in this case, the ring she proposed to me with. i kneeled as well, pulled out an ancient and ceremonial stone tray, with a small hammer that's been used by all Zukartians since the creation of this ritual, and told her "thank you, i love you" essentially, and then smashed the ring, and it melted into the tray, becoming a part of it, as all objects do in this ritual/custom. now her and i understand where each other are at, and we're in a good place, and we're gonna stay together, happy and healthy. on an unrelated note: i've been in a rough place lately. let's just say that my emotions have been a bitch lately, so yeah, that's also why i haven't wrote in here in a while. but now i'm gonna get back in the habit. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry. farewell for now.
12-4-2021 - 22:06
#65 - My First Entry
Mxy:
so, firstly, hi, my nickname for this site will be Mxy, as it's my nickname among people who know me, and works for any NB person like me (pronounced "Mixy", similar to "Mx." instead of "Mr." or "Ms."). anyways, i just wanted to vent because Akasi, our system's Primary Alter, is in the Inner World (leave of absence), and i did a self-check to make sure that she's caring for our Mortal body and such, and i just- i had no idea just how many scars we have now, i mean just on our right thigh we must have at least a few dozen, if not more, and a good portion of them are recent and i mean- i knew Akasi held trauma, and was upset, and has a lot of emotions, but i never knew just how bad it got, i mean, my god, just from the amount of scars i can tell she's in a horribly tremendous amount of pain, and as one of the oldest Alters, the first, actually, i know how hurt Akasi can be at times, i mean, hell, i've seen her go through so much, i mean, what our Immortal father did, losing her best and favorite mentor (or at least the tail end of her dealing with that trauma), and i just, i know how hurt Akasi can be, but this? i mean normally i can tell when she's hurting as she shows her emotions in the Inner World, plain and clear, but i guess she's just started hiding them which really makes me just sick to my stomach with worry because i don't know how she's feeling, i don't know how much pain she's in, i don't know when she needs me, or another Alter, or a leave of absence, or what, i can't tell, and it horrifies me to not know what another Alter in our system needs, i mean- come on, they're my siblings, or at least that's a similar dynamic to how our System works, but still, i just- i'm so worried about Akasi as she is so just- she's in so much pain and i am so worried about her, and i just wish she'd show her emotions more, or at least like she used to, confide in me, in the others, i just- i'm so worried about her that it makes me just not okay. god, this all probably sounds so dramatic, but imagine this: you have 8 other people in your life that you care about more than anyone else, and you've known almost all of them for billions, if not trillions of years, and you love them insanely deeply, and you have always known how they felt, until a few months ago. imagine how that would feel, having that connection of understanding broken all of a sudden, that's how i feel when i don't know how Akasi feels, it's like i've had this connection ripped apart, and it hurts me so much. so yeah, i'm getting anxious, so i'm gonna go and end my entry here. farewell for now.
12-3-2021 - 21:20
#64 - It's Funny How I Act Sometimes
Akasi:
you know, it's funny how i act sometimes, sometimes i say stuff that isn't quite "me", but is super nice, like i sent a pretty soulful message in one of the Discord servers that i'm in, and it's me, but also not. like, i'm never that soulful outwardly, i mean, i can be, but i never am, there's never anyone i really vibe with. i don't know, i just can't seem to find people i connect with, i can't find people that i really like. idk, it's weird. and sometimes it's because of things like my last entry, i was really connecting with the game and vibing and took that screenshot and it was me really connecting with the game, and that's me, but also not, i mean, i connect like that, but also not. as i write this i started to space out there, but now i'm back. you know, it's funny just how razor thin things can be, such as the line between life and death, sometimes they can be so thin, so infitesimally small, and, well, almost insignificant, it's, what's the word? perplexing? fascinating? i don't know, it doesn't matter. for now, i'm gonna end my entry, and hope to see you in the next one whoever reads this. farewell.
12-3-2021 - 18:21
#63 - Reminders
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"Duality; such a curious thing, that which resides in all of us, one that defines who we are, and yet not. Duality is such a thing that defines Gods, Goddesses, and all manner of living, sentient beings, however, only should they choose to act upon it. Duality is but a two-sided coin, one that defines who you are, what you are, however it is also a line to be walked, the line between the Light, and the Darkness, and those who walk that line are mere followers, ordinary and unspecial, ones who walk the line, and do not live up to their full power, potential, and capabilities, as those who master, control, and switch between both sides of the coin of Duality, and learn to control both sides of the Light and Darkness, and Duality as a whole. those who master Duality and are able to flip the coin as freely as they could wave their hand, they truly live up to their full existence, and are those who shall become the true beings who shall reclaim this universe, and truly connect with it, along with all other beings, and truly live their lives." -Traman Isara, an old mentor of mine.
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Akasi:
well, as you can see, i finally have a quote once again, as i did so long ago at the beginning of this diary. i was playing a game, No Man's Sky, and i took a, well, a really nice screenshot and i was reminded of this quote. see, all of us have a dark and a light, and those who master Duality, that darkness and light, we're the ones who truly have a lot of power. it's one reason i ripped a Duality in myself, to fulfill this quote. anyways, i'm kinda emotionally drained, so i'll leave this here, and probably expand on it in a full entry in Things to Quote
12-1-2021 - 02:41
#62 - A Few Notes, and Facing an Old Insecurity
Akasi:
Firstly, i'd just like to say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and happy holidays, for anyone who celebrates differently! i know it's early but it's officially December, so it's time for me to get in the Christmas spirit! i always have seasonal depression or, at very least, things get way harder in the winter/fall, so i always use Christmas as a way to distract myself and cheer myself up, and it always helps. as for this diary, i also want to say thank you to whoever reads this, it means a lot, and if you've been here a while, then thank you for your continued reading, and i hope that some of my words have helped you somehow, or at very least, given you something to read to pass the time. anyways, notes for the readers aside, i actually have something to write about, something i've been, well, insecure about for a lot of my life. so, in my Immortal form, i am part Demon, and when i use my Umbral Form (special armor made form Underworld Void Energy that only Demons have), i have a tail, as do some of my siblings. my sister, we'll call her YS, for the sake of this entry, her tail is white, almost glowing, and smooth, almost like carbon fiber, with a very sharp point at the end that i can personally say is NOT fun to be stabbed with lol (sisterly squabbles and we spar sometimes). my brother, we'll call him OS, his tail is thicker and strong, and usually just stands straight up when he's not using it, and he's shaped the end to have 2 spikes of different lengths, and have some bluntness, it's hard to describe, and he uses it a lot. i kept mine, well, hidden for all my life because, well, i never really liked some of the judgement from it, and you know, it's been an insecurity. but last night, i slept with my tail (i can Shift to make myself have it or not have it), and i have to say, it feels almost natural this morning, idk, it's nice. anyways, yeah, now writing here about it i am still a little insecure heh, so i'm gonna end my entry here. thank you for reading, and i hope to see you in my next entry
11-27-2021 - 13:04
#61 - No Man's Sky And Hubs
Akasi:
well, this game i play called No Man's Sky is a huge thing and has it's own politics thing: civs or hubs as they're called, are basically groups/civilizations of players who band together under one idea, and, well, i'm part of one of the hubs, and well, i made a website for them, and have been, well, pretty active, but, i still feel like i fucked up with a member bc, well, i kinda started thinking about killing and slaughtering some of the players in an enemy hub, but like, IRL...... yeah, so i'm worried that they picked up on that via empathy or telepathy because, like, yeah. idk, maybe i'm just obsessing over nothing bc i'm sleep deprived at the time of writing this, who knows, sure as hell not me lol. anyways, i'm off to bed, see you in my next entry whoever reads this.
11-24-2021 - 04:39
#60 - Therapists & BetterHelp
Akasi:
well, i started betterhelp the other day, and, well, i got a therapist, we'll call her BT for the sake of this entry and my lack of desire to encode her full name. and well, she hasn't replied since when our session was supposed to be yesterday, not at all, and as it turns out, i realized that she might have got the cops called on me, but the thing is: i have them a fake name (one of my other extraneous aliases), and the address to my local police station lmfao, so if she did try and call the cops for a "wellness check", they'd just be sent to the PD's address lol. also, as for me putting "wellness check" in quotation marks, well, you see, it's because the proper name for it would be "mildly perverted and uncomfortable invasion of privacy". yeah, i went into details of what happens at those "wellness checks" when the cops come to your house in one of the earliest entries on this blog, i can't remember the date i wrote it, but yeah, those things are awful, and i hate them, hence giving them a fake name and address. honestly i've used so many aliases in Immortal life, and now, using multiple in Mortal life is something i've gotten comfortable with, enough that i might have to make or use another of my Immortal aliases in Mortal life, but yeah, anyways, i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this.
11-20-2021 - 23:59
#59 - I Think Something Broke Inside Me
Akasi:
so, over the past week or so, but no more than the past two weeks, i've felt like i haven't been able to emotionally connect with anything, like some sort of switch was flipped in my mind, or something inside me just... broke. it's not like one of the other Alters who is stuck feeling emotions but extremely weakly, and it's not as if i'm in the dark half of my Duality, where all i feel is hate, rage, anger, etc, and it's not like i don't feel emotions, but it's like- it's like i can't emotionally connect to anything, like i can't associate my emotions with anything, or anyone. i mean, if i think about my Mortal mother, i think "okay, yeah, i love her" but then i also think "Well what the hell does that mean? what the hell does 'i love her' even mean" and it's weird, and i can't explain it. it's as if my mind keeps trying to draw lines to connect circles, squares and triangles, and in this analogy, triangles represent current events, squares represent memories, and circles represent emotions. it's as if my mind is trying to draw a line from a circle (an emotion) to a triangle (a current event), and it almost makes the connection, but it can't quite solidify, and it bounces back and can't connect, nor can it connect circles (emotions) and squares (memories), and it's like the previous connections i had between emotions and memories are, not blocked, but, dulled, blurred almost, as if it's almost "ghosted" shall we say. it's weird. now, the reason i'm concerned about this is because it didn't happen after that girl from the dating app, it happened before, which makes me think that it's not just a subconscious defense mechanism because i've been hurt so fucking much. it's weird, and annoying, mostly annoying because i just- i feel like- nope, i think i remembered what it is. whenever i have too many emotions bottled up, i keep myself from feeling anything, and i cut last night really bad. worse than i ever have actually..... so yeah, no, that makes sense, and the sucky thing is that when this would happen, i would think "ok, i need a session with my therapist", but now that that went to shit, and my mom (Mortal one) last night said that "We should try and find someone in our network" because of insurance shit and cost, when the betterhelp stuff is what i need, and want, everything i wanted with therapy and needed betterhelp has, and everything i disliked, betterhelp doesn't have, so it's like it's literally perfect, but she said we should try and find someone in the network or whatever the fuck, so yeah, that's fucking fantastic *sarcasm intensifies*. that's actually why i cut last night, because, well, if i don't have therapy, i'll use my coping mechanisms, and cutting is one of them, so i guess i'll be doing that a lot more and a lot more often now that i don't have therapy. and, just so we're clear my mom said "i'm not saying no" but then didn't acknowledge it further today or anything, nor did she text me or anything at all. you know, i'm gonna go ask her, see if her reply is different tonight, if not, well, cutting it is. i'll see you later tonight once i finish cutting or getting the reply from her that i need, or tomorrow if i'm too upset for another entry tonight, either way, i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this
11-19-2021 - 22:09
#58 - I Have No Other Conceivable Ideas
Akasi:
well, i have had a similar interaction to that which i spoke of in my last entry, however this time with a random person on Xbox, and so, i give up. i have done everything in my power to have friends, relationships, etc, and have tried learning from my actions, but i can't fucking seem to do it, and so, i have started a couple projects in my files where i will be taking notes, logs, etc, of human behavior, both mine and others, so i can review it and hopefully become even better at having friends, as it seems i am unable to do so, and i have tried learning via my subconscious, meaning keeping behaviors in mind and learning as i live my life, but nope, that failed multiple times, so i'm going to just do this fucking scientifically, make projects, write stuff down, make notes, etc, etc, until i can actually have a friend, and keep them around. yes, i acknowledge that having a giant document full of things people said, how they acted, etc, is mildly creepy, but too bad, i'm gonna do it for everyone i encounter, because i have tried everything else, from changing my behavior, trying different wordings, masking my Autism or not, telling people about the Immortal shit or not, etc, etc, because i have given up. i am so lonely and desperate that i'm just gonna make a fucking personal log of how people act, behave, what they say, body language, etc, and just learn everything i can until i can actually have a long term friendship, and decent relationship, and then i'll keep making entries in my personal document, that way i can keep learning and being a better person, because i am that fucking desperate, that i am done trying to be myself. the good thing is that the few of you who get to know me on here will know the real me, because here, this is where i can be myself, and yes i acknowledge that this is extreme, but i'm just done, i'm that lonely and desperate for even one fucking friend, that i'm going to something as weird and desperate as this, and hey, maybe i'll be able to use the things i learn from this to read people, who knows. anyways, i'm done with my rant, and realistically i'll probably abandon these projects in a few months, but right now, i'm just so fucking upset that i'm starting these projects. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry.
11-19-2021 - 16:03
#57 - Fuck Dating.
Akasi:
well, it's funny how that girl i liked from a dating app, you know, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], the one who i thought was perfect? yeah, turns out she decides that i'm lying about the Immortal shit, which implies that i'm lying about the Trauma from my Immortal life, so yeah, super fun when people imply an invalidation of your trauma. fuck you [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54]. i'm done with dating. oh, and to make it even better, less than 2 hours i opened up about what my Immortal father did to me. as you can tell i'm unbelievably pissed, and am done with dating. to think i found someone who liked me first, and turned out to be a bitch after i open up to her. fucking christ. you know it'd be interesting if she actually reads this site and sees what i have to say about her and makes an alt discord account to apologize or something, that'd be cool, show some actual fucking maturity, and honor, god i don't know why i tried with dating Mortals. anyways, see you in my next entry, and again, FUCK YOU [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54].
11-19-2021 - 11:25
#56 - I Wish, I Wish, I Wish.......
Akasi:
well, that girl from the dating app, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], well, apparently one of her struggles is replying to people, which i mean, i get it, busy life, mental health, all that, but i just- idk, i'm needy, and replying is like, one of the few things i kinda ask for with even just my friends (if and when i have any), and so i just- idk, i just wish that she could have struggled with anything else except replying, idk. i know i shouldn't be saying that it's a deal breaker, because it's something so small and simple, but for me it is, like replying doesn't take much time, 30 seconds? a minute? and even then, if you're not in the mood to talk, tell me, we don't have to talk every day (as much as i'd like to), we can just talk at times, like i just- idk, i just wish that we could talk because when she doesn't reply to me, i feel like, idk, like she doesn't care, or doesn't want a relationship, and i mean i get that that is what she's worried about, but i don't even need much, just acknowledgement i exist, you know? i know this is so stupid, especially as she's fucking perfect aside from this one thing, but i just- idk...... i just fucking wish it were easy to find someone who likes me, and gives a shit, like that's my standards, average looking (i'm not picky), likes me, cares about me and shows it, past that, i'm not looking for anything special so when i do find someone special it's amazing, and this girl is just that, special, so yeah. well, as i write this she replied to my idea of prioritizing people with "good idea, thanks", and hasn't replied now that i asked her how she was, so i guess we'll see how long it takes her to reply, which with my luck, it'll be at the end of today, and she won't put me anywhere near the top of her priority list. anyways, hope to see you in my next entry i guess......
11-18-2021 - 22:21
#55 - Kindness Is Something New To Me
Akasi:
so, lately, in relation to what i talked about in entry #49, i've had these weird, "episodes" i guess i'd call them? where i just zone out and am unable to focus, except, now, i've started replaying moments in my head, and sometimes when i'm focused on something and thinking about something else, the memory of that something else will "flash" over what i'm doing, almost like an extremely transparent stained glass image over my vision or what i'm doing, for example, doing a race in Forza Horizon 5 (love the game, i might touch on that later), i might have this "replay" of another track i was racing on, or racing in another game, or something similar get "flashed" over what i'm seeing, or something else. it's super weird and i'm 99% sure that these hallucinations are, well, mildly controllable, because if i think about something that has enough emotion associated with it, i get a "flash" or hallucination of that person, which is weird, because it seems like the trigger is emotion, or things that are emotionally charged, mainly memories, i haven't had a hallucination that wasn't a memory, which also leads me to believe that this could just be my flashbacks evolving into something much more, how do i word this? ummm, more provocative, or, intense, or, hmm, maybe, i guess the best word is evocative, but there was another word i remember having the perfect definition, but i can't remember what it was, oh well, anyways, you get the point. but yeah, these flashbacks, or hallucinations, or flashes or whatever the hell this is is really confusing and kind of weird, and i've also noticed that when i get a hallucination or flash, or whatever, if i can get the emotion associated with it under control, the hallucination stops, like the terror of seeing my Immortal father, you know, the one that was horrible and hurt me in countless ways, that one, when i get hallucinations of him, i feel this overwhelming terror, like a panic attack, but, it doesn't have that, almost undertone of feeling trapped, and there being no escape, no, it's as if i'm stuck in a memory, or, idk, re living it i guess? it's weird, like i feel like i am stuck, but not trapped, so, think, boots stuck in mud versus in a cage, i feel like my feet are stuck in mud with the hallucinations, whereas with a panic attack, i feel like the entire room is a giant cage, and the walls are slowly closing in, confiding me into my own thoughts, and worst emotions, as if i'm getting crushed by the weight of everything, my emotions, my memories, trauma, everything i've ever experienced, remembered, seen, or anything, and it's just that inescapable feeling, as if i'm just unable to get out, or even think of escape, it's just- it's insanely overpowering. anyways, on an unrelated note, the one thing i wanted to talk about in this entry before i went off on a tangent lol, my Mortal father, the one i have now, not the Immortal one who was horrible, the Mortal one that's good, well, he just bought me another Xbox Elite Controller to use when the one i have is at the repair shop, and like, he got it out of his money, like his stuff, and unrelated to Christmas even, like, early Christmas gift, maybe, that i'm, well, it's happened before, and i'm fine with it, but him just buying it? i just- it's like, i'm just shocked because like, he's offered me deals in the past to do work for stuff, that i've loved, and been fine with, and have appreciated, but like, this? i feel, well, i feel almost guilty because i just- i don't know, i don't like this, like, gifts, fine, as long as it's like a holiday, but like, out of the blue because the thing broke? i just- i really have no idea what to think, honestly i just- i feel like i don't deserve it, or kindness, or anything, which, i mean, after how horribly my Immortal father [51.49;50.52;54] treated me, i, well, let's just say that i am, well, i'm used to being abused, being hurt, and in general mistreated, and even though i acknowledge that it's abuse, i still get this craving for someone to hurt me, to hit me, and just make me feel pain, because i feel like i deserve it, i feel like i need to be abused and hurt and have pain inflicted upon me in order to feel happiness, and so accepting kindness, love, especially random kindness like my Mortal father getting me the controller, it just feels- wrong, it feels wrong, like it feels like i shouldn't be treated like this, like i should be treated worse, and i just- idk, it's kinda fucking with my head a little bit to be honest, paired with all this stuff with the hallucinations, i just have a lot going on in my head, and it's super hard to deal with and i'm just- i'm just a mess honestly. anyways, i'm just- i can't even think right now, so i'm gonna go. i hope to see you in my next entry
11-17-2021 - 19:07
#54 - Sharing Is Caring - Not.
Akasi:
well, i shared this site with my grandma, [56;54;50.51;50.48;49.55;52;49.57], and she really liked it! i'm planning on showing her more (she only read the first few pages in the menu), but hey, it's good that she liked it. as for the "not" part of my entry's title, well, i've always been worried that my family won't like this site, but hey, i guess i have one person that likes this. also, on an unrelated note, that girl, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], she and i have hardly texted today, but like, when she did, she called me her darling : ) god i love it, she's so sweet, and nice, and, she even is okay if i call her mommy! (don't ask), so yeah, it's super fun, and amazing, and she's just so sweet, and lovable, and amazing : ) honestly i wish i could tell her how much her calling me "darling" made my fucking day, and be the cutely stupid romantic that i am on the inside, but i don't want to scare her away, so, yeah, add it to the list of things i suppress with her, along with my usual impulsivity, granted the latter is something i'm working on, but still, i hide the impulsive stuff that i'm okay with even, the usual mildly edgy/creepy jokes that are sometimes kinda funny, the stupid shit i say sometimes, the weird and random AF questions i ask sometimes, that sort of stuff that people don't always love, i hide it with her. oh well, luckily i have this site to talk about this shit with, for example, on an unrelated note: i just remembered a game that a very old friend of mine, [49.49;50.51;54;49.57;49.54;49.52;49.57], and i invented. the game was "word or phrase", which is similar to truth or dare, but instead of ending when you get fed up with the game, the game ends when only one person isn't horny lmfao. first one to get horny loses, and the way it works is for your turn, anyone in the group asks you word or phrase, and if you choose word, they need to give a word to try and turn you on, but it can't be like "pussy" or "sex" or some shit like that, it has to be vague, and make the mind wander, now if you choose phrase, same thing, but it has to be creative, and can't directly relate to anything sexual or anything like that, but then it's whoever is next in line, and anyone can ask word or phrase to whoever's turn it is. the funny thing is that [49.49;50.51;54;49.57;49.54;49.52;49.57] and i were like friends with benefits for quite a while, then i started this site shortly after we finally blocked each other for good. we grew apart, and she, well, she lost her shit at the Immortal stuff, apparently she had a friend who was schizophrenic and said they saw Demons and shit, but again, schizophrenia, not actual Demons, at least i doubt it, because it could also have been that her friend had the gift of sight and whatever Demons her friend saw were just trying to be horrible and make the person hurt themselves and shit. god, now that i think about it, i realize that i still am kinda upset at what happened between me and [49.49;50.51;54;49.57;49.54;49.52;49.57], but then again, i remember her being pretty insulting, and, well, i kinda got defensive and, well, in my anger i ended up lying to her, and kinda played some mind games with her, like lying, and, well, yeah, oh, fun fact, she actually reported me to the police lol, apparently she sent an email to my PD, luckily the bitch never knew my phone number, or at least i don't think, and at the very least, my PD seems to not give a shit, as i've sent them emails asking about stuff in the past, and have gotten 0 reply, granted she reported me for killing Immortals, or maybe one of my Ex's who i killed. long story short, he's the only Mortal i've ever really killed, and even then, he was in the mafia, sent me snapchat messages confirming it, funny thing is i still have them saved lmfao. would be hilarious to tell his local PD lmfao, i'd laugh so hard, but back to me killing him: he kidnapped some Immortals, Demons to be exact, and i released them and killed him for fucking with Immortals. honestly i think that everything i've said in this entry should be a prime example of how Mortals interacting with Immortals can go horribly wrong, hence me being, well, more "if you don't like it, fuck off" regarding Immortals and such, as further conversation only begs the person to freak out, and lose their shit. anyways, yeah, i think that's enough for now, enough delving into my past lol, anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry : )
11-16-2021 - 20:12
#53 - I Think I Really Like Her
Akasi:
so, that girl from the dating app, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], well, it turns out that she actually does like me, and well, she and i flirted tonight lol, it's the first time i've actually had a serious, real crush on someone in a while, like she's sweet, cute, into gaming, she's goth, which, i will admit i did have my reservations about people who like that style a few years back, now i find it just cool. she's also just really nice, and personality aside, she looks super cute, and i've like, totally fallen in love with that face lol. i know it sounds stupid but i'm already trying to think of cute shit i can do for her, which, yes i acknowledge we met like 3 days ago, but i'm already crushing hard, like, omg. i've fallen way too fast, but hey, i'm keeping my shit together, and not being as impulsive as i would be, self control and all, so i'm already getting better since my previous entry, #50, so that makes me feel better in general, knowing i've improved in less than a week. oh, also, this girl, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], she's, well, she has definitely been through a lot, hell, she tried to, well, let's just say it's something i've been contemplating attempting, particularly in entry #50, and she tried it when she was way younger, that with i've been subconsciously reading her this whole time, i can tell she's been through a lot, like some serious stuff, and i just- i want to be there for her. honestly i wish i could just skip to the part of the relationship where we love each other, go on dates, and i'm getting ready to tell my parents about her, because then i'd get to be there for her more, help her more, and we could be close, which honestly, being close with her is all i want, along with her love, idk, i'm just- idk, i just really love this girl already, which again, i know it sounds stupid, given we only met like 3 days ago, but still, all i want is to love her, and have her love. honestly i think it's partly because she and i would be dating in person, and if she can accept me in person, for who i am, as MTF, well, then why the hell shouldn't i love myself you know? idk, i just kinda want validation from her, but i do really want to love her, and have her love me, because this girl- god, she is amazing from what i've seen so far. granted, all that is ignoring logic, which is that i'll probably fuck up in the next week, if not today, or she'll end up blocking me, or she'll read this site and realize how emotionally fucked i am and traumatized and block me, god, wouldn't that be rich? her blocking me because of this site, god that would be awful, but honestly? this site is where i can be myself, so if she doesn't like it, then fuck her, i'll be happy she broke up because of reading this site to be honest. granted, i do hope she doesn't, because as i said, i really like this girl already. anyways, i'm gonna stop my entry here. i hope to see you in my next entry. farewell for now : )
11-13-2021 - 16:18
#52 - Anxiety & Storms
Akasi:
well, of course my area is having a thunderstorm right now, i was also pretty bad a bit ago, and i'm really on edge. also, that girl, you know, the one from my last entry, the Mortal on the dating app, [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], yeah, well she replied saying essentially that she's always busy and never has much free time, at least from how i understood it. there's a part of me that wants to unmatch with her and stop talking, give up, but then there's another part of me that wants to keep talking, try to be friends, and see where it goes, but idk, i'm not good at this Mortal dating thing, and besides, in Immortal life, i'm good at things like sex, whereas in this Mortal body? still a virgin. which i've also been more concerned with lately, because i think i might be Asexual like another Alter in our system, but then again, it might just be me being picky and also trying to avoid being flirty, as, well, let's just say i have a habit of mis-reading situations and being a tad, shall we say, "forward", in life...... yeah, not fun. anyways, i've also been worried about that because i've noticed that only skills that i practice in this Mortal body transfer over, so skills i had in Immortal life, i need to practice them in Mortal life, but then i get super good at them super fast, so yeah. and there's also the fact that i have no idea when to tell this girl about me being, you know, a fucking Immortal being, yeah, i doubt that's gonna go over well as i doubt this girl likes me at all. honestly i think she hit like on me due to lack of choices, or maybe a dare by a friend, but i doubt it's because she actually likes me. or maybe she hits likes on a lot of people, even if they're only 50% what she likes, due to the lack of people liking back. i personally only hit like if there's no more than maybe 3 things i dislike on their profile, and have deal-breaking stuff filtered out, that way i'm only liking people i know i'll like. idk, i'm probably overthinking this whole situation due to the fact that i do quite like this girl from what i've seen, which isn't much, 2 messages and a profile on a dating app? it's, well, to quote another Alter "i care for her for some inexplicable reason" lol. anyways, yeah, i'll probably make an entry tomorrow, or in a few days, or maybe later tonight if i feel the need. i really like writing here, it gives me a place to vent, to express myself. it's nice. anyways. see you in my next entry : )
11-13-2021 - 10:27
#51 - Today Is, Better, Ish.
Akasi:
well, the girl from my last entry (Immortal) apologized and said she didn't mean what she said, but still, she is right. i'm losing the usual self control i have, and i hate it. but i've accepted that, and acknowledged that, so it's time to start working on it, and make sure to keep my cool, and keep my shit together, but for now, i don't want to talk about it (i'm still upset). anyways, oh, this new girl, Mortal girl, on a dating app, her name is [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], she apparently liked me, and i liked what i saw on her profile. cute, good bio, similar interests, seemingly similar ish personality, so yeah, i liked her back and now i've messaged her once at like 02:00 lol, and again recently. i hope she responds, it's the literal 3rd time i have ever matched with someone, and the other two times, well, i didn't like the vibe they gave off. so yeah, here's hoping that things go well with [49.56;54;50.51;49.52;50.52;50.52;54], but hey, i'm picky as hell, and she hasn't replied, like at all, so i doubt it will go well, or go anywhere. hmm, what else to talk about? yeah, not much to talk about. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry : )
11-12-2021 - 15:33
#50 - I Deserve to Die
Akasi:
so, today, some random girl came to our house, and my Mortal dad answered the door while i was in the bathroom. the lady didn't knock, didn't ring the bell and was coming around asking about some church a few miles from here. eventually, i came down from the bathroom, did some checking, and she seemed shady, and, well, i decided to try and chase after her to try and just look at her (with that and an incantation i could determine if she's an Immortal). now, i did this in my combat gear (big jacket with 2 blades on my belt underneath), and an Immortal girl who came into my life recently (relationship is complicated), she said i was being extreme. and just a bit ago after i got back, she said that i am like the human guys on this planet who prey on women by trying to chase after her just to see her. in my defense, i didn't even plan on getting close, just within my sight, and go home. i never caught up to her or anything, she was long gone. anyways, after the Immortal girl who's come into my life compared me to them, i told her to get out, then when she didn't leave, i told her to get out, and then used examples of stuff she's done to me that is, well, not good behavior, and i could sense that she felt how i did, and i told her that that's how i felt (also implying that i was simply proving a point and didn't mean what i said). anyways, after that, and explaining that i am nothing my my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54], she finally left, and so i hit my head a few times (replacement behavior for cutting is hitting myself, not the best, i know), and that didn't work, so i cut, and then proceeded to hold the tip of my blade, pressing into the front of my throat, and sat there contemplating if i should shove it in. i didn't, and my first thought was to make an entry here after i sheathed the knife. i hate that i have impulses like this, and that i let them get the better of me, and i know i'm getting worse. my self hatred is coming back, paired up with gender dysphoria again (the feeling of being feminine has worn off from the hormones, and so my emotional state has been dipping for months), and depression is making me cross-dress less, so my joy has dropped from that, and add in the fact that i don't see my therapist who gave me the letter of recommendation for hormones is making me feel like i don't deserve to transition or, idk, maybe that i deserve to suffer as a male the rest of my life? i don't even fucking know because my emotional state is so fucked. i'm also looking into betterhelp because i'm messed up and need therapy, but my old therapist and all that didn't end well, and add in the fact that i feel like shit because that Immortal girl who recently came into my life is right, my impulse made me do something that would have creeped her out if she'd noticed me, and i hate that. all i want to do is apologize, but then again, because she doesn't know, the best thing i can do is stay the fuck out of her life. honestly i feel like i'm just slowly slipping into more and more problems, more and more depression, and i'm just a mess. i think a part of the problem is that i'm lonely AF, and have 0 friends whatsoever. anyways, i'm gonna go for now, and probably cut again, but who knows, i just need to calm down and process my stuff for a while. i hope to see you in my next entry.
11-9-2021 - 10:36
#49 - Hallucinations & Trauma
Akasi:
well, i have to say, i didn't think this was a thing, or that it was true, but it is. i have hallucinations. mild ones, and i can always tell that they're a hallucination or not, and no, the Immortal stuff isn't a hallucination. my feelings about that stuff, the people in my life, all my memories, they're too real, too distinct compared to these hallucinations, which according to my AI's diagnosis, i've had since before possessing this Mortal body. the funny thing though, is that despite that, i keep thinking on random days "is my sister real? is the Immortal shit my imagination? hallucinations?" and this, well, it really has me shaken up, and thinking about that stuff. i have hallucinated the heads-up display from video games when bored in class, and other stuff since before having my Immortal life becoming mixed with my Mortal life, and now, it's of my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54], and the ways he hurt me, and traumatized me, and you see, i have this thing where i will close my eyes sometimes, and the trauma hits me as a flashback. it's like my eyes are glued shut and i'm forced to relive that pain, and trauma inside my mind and all i can do is shake violently (similar to my panic/anxiety attacks) and those memories play back over and over, sometimes merging and glitching within one another, and all i can do is sit there and be at their mercy as i relive that pain, that torture. now, i keep seeing [51.49;50.52;54] as if he's standing in front of me, just like how he'd stand before he tortured me. he did it to "train me in resistance to torture" but i know that he also did it because he enjoyed it, and he liked seeing me in pain, suffering, at his mercy. the good thing about now knowing and accepting that i have these mild hallucinations, is that now i'll be aware of them, and hopefully they'll affect me less, but who knows if that will actually happen. also, the exact diagnosis is "MMRH" or "Mild Mixed Reality Hallucinations", granted that's the Immortal terminology and diagnosis, but basically it means i'll see the hallucinations as a sort of mixed reality type thing, like the video game heads up displays, i'd see them as if i was in the game, that sort of thing, now this, it looks like a pale, translucent and nearly transparent version of [51.49;50.52;54] is standing in front of me or whatever, but yeah, translucent, so i know it's not real, luckily. now, i know some of you will probably have read this entry's title thinking "oh, finally, this girl has accepted that she's insane", and i am sorry to disappoint, just hallucinations of my trauma and insignificant shit like stuff from my games, the Immortal stuff is real. anyways, i am, kinda shaking, and i've been like, on the edge of an anxiety attack this whole time, but i've been fighting it to type this out, so i'll end here. i hope to see you in my next entry.
11-8-2021 - 10:43
#48 - I Think I'm Ready
Akasi:
well, here we are again. i have been recently reminded of a story/memory from my past, and i am ready to share it. this one pertains to [51.49;50.52;54], my Immortal Father. see, i lived under him (by this i mean as his daughter and second-in-command) for about 1.2 billion years, and you see, my older sister, [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52], she was born about 67 million years before me, and before i came, she and [51.49;50.52;54] were on okay terms. she didn't hate him, nor did he hate her. later on i came along (granted i was reborn, so that was, well, another layer of complexity) and i was quickly our father's favorite. he would train me, teach me to fight, spar with me, all that stuff, and you see, he was a decent man. he was still a military power, and had me sent out on missions and such, but it was missions to bases, camps, etc, all against armed soldiers or people who had weapons, and no one that shouldn't have a weapon. eventually, as i got better and began to use other weapons and experiment with what i used to fight, he gave me a Katana, a black one, with an obsidian-like blade (special black metal, crazy strong and good), and black-wrapped handle. it was jet black, and had a sheathe of equal darkness, and he told me that i should learn to use it. so he taught me about the samurai, feudal japan, all that stuff, and taught me how to fight with the katana, and in general showed me a lot of stuff regarding it (hence the katana still being my favorite blade to fight with. also, he knew this stuff because of time travel and such, long story). eventually, one day, i was putting my katana into the sharpening area where the ship AI would sharpen it, and he stopped me, and said "before you do that, if you want, i would like to teach you of another way, one that is older, but also better, and stronger, and has a sort of, meditative quality to it" and so i said "okay, show me" and so he continued to show me how to use a sharpening stone. he sat me down on the right side of the ship, near the engine room and said "you hear that hum? that low sound of the engines? use that, focus on it, and let it calm you." and so i did, and he showed me how to use the stone, making strokes, over and over, and i got really good with it. my blade got sharper every time i sharpened it, and i got better and better, until i had mastered using those stones. then, one day, he says to me after coming back from a mission "hold on, before you go, i have a gift for you" and i wait, and he hands me three gloves, one with a sharpening stone bit on the thumb, one with that bit on the index finger, and one with it on the thumb and index finger, and he said "these gloves, they will give you more precision than the stones, and give you a more, shall we say, intimate connection while sharpening" and eventually i learned to master those too. now, by this time, when he gave me those gloves, he had started to get darker, more like the him i knew for most of my life. see, there are these special stones, called Core Stones (i know, this sounds like some Marvel's Infinity Stones shit), and there's 10. 5 of a certain type, and 5 that are the inverse of those ones. light to dark, time to chaos, sentience to elemental, stuff like that, now, only the light and dark ones exist, the others are examples i won't list them all here because, well, let's just say that it'd be very bad if i confirmed their existence, and told exactly what to look for. that would be horrible news for, well, everyone. anyways continuing, those stones represent core things in life, and existence as a whole, and have the power to conduct and manipulate those core factors/variables in existence. now, [51.49;50.52;54] was hunting them, he wanted them all, well, just to have them, to have that power for no reason, to use it as an axe, hanging over others' heads, and you see, shortly after i mastered using those gloves he gave me, he finally got the last of those stones. he then decided to try and wield them all, hold them and use them, but their power was too much, it would have been too much for a god or goddess even, let alone a normal Immortal like him. they corrupted him, ripped him into two halves (similar to my Duality that i have now), causing DID. he had 2 Alters, one light, the man i knew, and the other dark, evil, and, well, not good. now, you see, this would have been okay because, well, DID isn't some horrible thing, but the dark Alter wanted control all the time and to kill his light half, push that part of him away and keep that Alter from getting control, ever, and despite switches being caused due to triggers and in some cases, like our System's, voluntary switches (because of good internal communication in the Inner World, and, probably because we've had DID for so many years). now, this is when i stopped sharpening when [51.49;50.52;54] was around on our ship. anyways, that dark Alter decided that since i have DID, he would study and torture and experiment on me, our system, us, to figure out how to kill the light Alter of [51.49;50.52;54]'s, and eventually the dark half found a way. he did it. the man i knew was gone, the person who was my father, who gave me those gloves was gone. from then on out i started sharpening on the left side of the ship, because i didn't want to give the satisfaction of seeing me sharpen in the same place [51.49;50.52;54]'s light Alter taught me to sharpen in. you see, i tell this story to explain that [51.49;50.52;54] wasn't always the evil, horrible man he was for almost all my life, the one i killed all those years ago, and because, well, writing here, on this site, it helps me process my trauma, and my stuff, it allows me to vent it and process it as i type, and get a small amount of closure as i proof-read before publishing (spelling mistakes and bleeping names where needed if i didn't bleep while typing the entry). honestly this has been a, well, an emotionally draining entry for me, so i will stop here. i hope to see you in my next entry. farewell for now.
11-4-2021 - 17:47
#47 - New Things & Old Things
Akasi:
well, my polyamorous relationship failed the other day. not fun, especially because [54;50.51;50.53;49.48;49.56;49.52;50.52] said some pretty nasty things to us before she left, and she used the one insult in all of the universe that triggers the shit out of our System's Protector, who's nickname in this blog will be Winchester (not to be confused with Sam or Dean Winchester from the TV show Supernatural), so yeah, he got super pissed and went off on her, then dropped me back into control. long story short, it didn't end well. on another note: the same night that that happened, some girl found me after solving my "Arcatchi", which is an old and archaic form of dating, where you leave a small cylinder with tons of questions, tests, etc of stuff you want to know, and if the person answers them truthfully and gives answers you like, the thing will give them tons of memories about you, and if they like it, they find you, if not, then they put it back where they found it and their memory is wiped, super simple, but also archaic, and old, and i only left an Arcatchi around so that maybe one day someone would find it because why not, especially seeing as most of my relationships fail (which is very obvious). so yeah. oh, also, i got to annihilate a crew on GTA 5 today, so that was fun. also, in other news, there's been a lot of reality glitches lately, which are caused when certain objects that are duplicates of one another become tainted whilst in proximity to one another. weirdly, items that are made with duplication incantations are immune to this. but anyways, i figured i should let that be known to whoever reads this, as these glitches can be really dangerous. one of the most common is self harm energy, which looks like some weird "glitch in the matrix" type shit floating in the air. do NOT touch it, as it will induce, well, it'll cause you to hurt yourself, on purpose or accidentally, and just message my instagram account (username is "akasi.sudama"), i'll go there and remove it. other glitches that can occur are: 1: time not moving normally (slowing down, looking at a clock, then in a few minutes looking at the clock and it being the same time), 2: things seeming to do something they shouldn't (coins balancing on their edges super easy, stuff not falling when it should, stuff like that). really anything like that, or just stuff that does not make sense, even if you try and make sense of it. i have my AI [50.49;49.51;49.53;49.48;49.57;49.52;50.57] trying to find the source of these glitches (the duplicated objects), so this should all blow over in a week maybe, tops. it really should be gone or nearly gone by the end of tomorrow to be honest, but still, be careful.
11-1-2021 - 18:36
#46 - Fucking Autism Causing Problems.... Again.
Akasi:
well, earlier today i suggested we get takeout for dinner. we decide on pizza from our hometown called Hometown Pizza (replacing the actual name of our hometown with the word "hometown", for obvious reasons). my dad (Mortal Father) drives all the way there only to find out that they're closed and the internet lied (ID: "no shit the internet lied, it's a cesspool of bullshit that is hard to discern fact from fiction, truth from lies, and safety from danger") after my mom (Mortal Mother) looked it up and found somewhere that they're supposedly open until 10 PM tonight (22:00). so, she calls for me and says we're getting another restaurant, we'll call them SI for "Shitty Italian", and i tell her that i remember getting food from there and that it was watery and disgusting, and i hated it, and she just says "oh you can't possibly remember" and "whenever we got it must have been so long ago, it's probably different now" and then i told her when we got it (this seemed to magically jog her memory) and that it was from grubhub, and she said "oh you said you liked it" which i think i said "it was okay, but i won't get it again". and not that i liked it (her memory fails her yet the fuck again) and then we argue about getting food from Shitty Italian, and she gets super mad and yelling at me like "oh well that's inconsiderate" (roughly) and she says to dad (who's been on the phone through this) "let's just go get GI (for great italian place, which i suggested) that Akasi wants, and damn what we want" (usual passive aggressive bullshit i get from her sometimes) and i keep telling her to forget it and shit, and that's wrong and makes her more mad. like seriously bitch? what the fuck am i supposed to do? you picked the one restaurant in 50 fucking miles that i hate, and when i tell you that, you get mad and go off on me, and when i tell you to forget it (which i did at least a dozen times) and that i won't get anything, you then ask me what i want, and i tell you again i don't like the restaurant, and suggest another one, to which you say is inconsiderate, and then i say forget it again, and walk away, which makes you upset from what i can tell. then she came down about 5-10 minutes later to tell me she and my dad chose GR (for "great restaurant" we know of), and to ask me what i wanted (this place i actually like) and i tell her i'll look at the menu and she tells dad to come home and walks off (mildly stompy) talking to him about it (still sounding very annoyed) and saying stuff about time, and decisions, and me being a problem, and etc, etc. it's like no matter what the fuck i do in any of these situations, i'm doing something wrong. the funny thing is that i starve myself (just a habit, i might detail this in another entry if i haven't already (i spoke a bit about it in my entry dated "12-21-2020 - 3:55 AM")), so the next time shit like this might happen, like it seems like it will happen, i'm gonna ask for a fucking salad, and just not say shit. "suffer in silence" you know? and when they ask why i don't eat it, i'll tell them that i hate that restaurant, couldn't find a meal or whatever reason i didn't want anything, and then tell them i got the salad to get them to shut up and avoid an argument. honestly this has happened twice now since i started this website, if i recall correctly, that is. i might've wrote about it before, but yeah, i hate it when arguments like these ensue, and then, when we calmed down a bit and dad got home, when i was ordering, i hardly felt like i could speak because i got yelled at. honestly i'm used to my words not doing shit. i mean, when my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54] r*ped me, me saying "no" didn't do shit. nobody reads this site so my words here don't mean all that much. honestly it's pathetic how powerless my words are in certain situations. and with Autism, if someone reminds me of that, yells at me, or gets into conflict with me, i'd rather just shut up and get away from them. i'm just sick of shit like this happening. granted that's only with people who i let myself be vulnerable with, and don't go into the dark half of my duality with. if they're someone i don't feel comfortable with being vulnerable around, i go into the dark half of my duality, and solve things through fighting, physically. honestly i don't know why i keep letting myself be vulnerable with my Mortal parents even after they're hurt me countless fucking times, and upset me, and hurt me. then again, when i try using the dark half of my duality, i ended up punching my dad, and got the fucking cops called. it's like my parents want to be able to hurt me without repercussions, and then when i fight back or they receive repercussions from me, or someone else, they get all mad and freak out, like seriously, i've been abused before by [51.49;50.52;54], do you think i don't recognize it? and if you think back to much earlier entries, we had family therapy, and things got way better, and i acted as if they were good, but you know what i actually did that made my opinion of them go up? i dropped my standards. i just stopped expecting them to give a shit, i stopped expecting them to care for me, and i took emotions out of it for the most part, and most of all, i tried to act as neurotypical as possible, and with all that i was happy this year and last, but now with this and having mom lash out, it just reminded me of how they aren't any better from therapy, i just learned to deal with all of it. granted, this is also partly my emotions talking, i'm in the light half of my duality, so i'm letting emotions dictate my words and actions. ok, i took a breath, and took a second to switch over to the dark half of my duality. being honest, they are better from therapy, but bouts of stuff like this just remind me of how they were before, and upset me a lot, and remind me of what [51.49;50.52;54] did. in truth, my Mortal parents are far better now, but things like this just really fucking upset me and hurt me, enough to get my emotions a bit out of control. and we're all under a lot of stress; halloween makes everyone in our family mildly stressed due to the massive stuff i explained in entries #47 & #35, my mom is crazy busy at work, and my dad, well, he oversees halloween, so he is doubly stressed, but still, i just wish that they could put their shit on the side and learn to give a shit about me more than they do. honestly i just wish they cared for me more than they do. i know this is probably exactly what so many people think, cry me a river am i right? but still, i just- it feels like a big deal to me because of what [51.49;50.52;54] did to me and just everything in my life. i just want parents that give a shit, and love me to bits, unlike every parent i've ever had so far....... anyways, i'm starting to cry and i have no clue what else to write, so i'll end things off here......
10-30-2021 - 23:13
#45 - Random Stuff (again)
Akasi:
well, i added the Random Notes & Thoughts page to this site. it's pretty pointless, but just random stuff i want to note throughout the day that i think will be interesting to note and look back on in a few years, it's stupid, but also kinda has a purpose, idk, i may end up scrapping it and deleting the page, or just hiding it in navigation, never to be seen again except for those of you who get to it via this entry. idk, i think if nothing else i can write random ramblings there, like how i put my internal dialogue in entries in parentheses, idk, who knows, i might change it or scrap it, i haven't decided yet, either way it's there for now. oh, also, since my family does a huge halloween display every year, tomorrow is like, "the big day" kinda, and it's pretty cool, it's gonna be fun. granted i despise children, so i'll just kinda hang around and observe, take some photos of the props, just everything that goes down (i've been dabbling in photography with my new phone as it has a great camera). god, to think that if i were anything like my Immortal father, [51.49;50.52;54], the photos i would take would get me arrested (he was a perv, we'll leave it at that), but in all actuality, i'm nothing like him and it's because it's an event. honestly as i despise children I'll probably take photos when almost nobody is here, that way i don't need to hear the high pitched voices, the annoying whining and screeching and banshee-like laughter and sounds of "joy" from the tiny bastards, aside from not having to worry about any of them getting in frame. god i fucking hate children. anyways, enough about me hating children and photos of our house and shit, i have news: i'm fucking sick of most of my video games. it sucks but sometimes i just get like this where i just don't find pleasure in playing my games, or really anything. idk, it's whatever. oh, i just realized something: the reason i even brought up my hate for kids is because one of my GF's had mentioned wanting them earlier today (long story short, she didn't mean it and doesn't care either way), so that's why those creatures are even on my mind to begin with. i also think a part of why i hate them is because i know how [51.49;50.52;54] treated me as a kid, and i hate being reminded of that. aside from the horrible things about them, such as the filth, noise, behavior, constantly causing issues, and in general needing the utmost care to not ruin your life. taking care of a child is like going through a maze that has about a trillion doors with bombs (tasks you need to do for your child (think sex talks and telling them what kinds of people to stay away from)), and infinite pathways (what kind of parent you can be), along with an extremely large amount of exits (when the kid turns 18 and legally doesn't need you, how your relationship is at that point). you start off in the center with lots of doors and not a lot of pathways (baby needs food, changing, etc), and every door has a bomb on it that you need to defuse, with growing complexity as the creature gets older. then you start getting pathways, so, say, being a great parent and loving your kid and doing a great job will have a lot of doors with a lot of complex bombs, and the other path of being a shitty parent will have far less doors, and easier bombs, but with each path, comes a set of doors that get closed off. you choose the shit parent path, some doors where your kid adores you are closed off, and you be a great parent, a couple of the doors where your kid despises you are closed off. and you make one mistake, that bomb goes off, and fucks everything up, and ruins your life, and your kids life, and your relationship. for example, [51.49;50.52;54], followed the horrible parent path, and that ended with me stabbing a sword through his nape so far it came out his stomach and pinned him to the floor in his knees, dead, and i couldn't have enjoyed it more (i might cover that story in more detail another time, in a censored entry so as to "hide" the gore). being a parent is a hard thing, and aside from my hate for children, i would never be a good parent, ever, no matter how hard i tried. and besides, i don't ever want to risk becoming [51.49;50.52;54], i mean my Immortal kids, 3 adopted daughters (long story for each of them, but i asked them if they wanted me to adopt them) one son (biological) and one daughter, named [54;50.52;49.52;49.57;54] (biological) that neither of which i knew were mine until the mother of the son (two women having kids is possible with incantations, i'm not going into detail on that. ever. nor anything else of that sort.) decided to try and bring me to court over him getting shit in my company, etc, etc (long story, but i'm caring for the kid now, and i love him (he's young ish, but i'm getting over it)), and [54;50.52;49.52;49.57;54] suddenly appeared to tell me her mother was dead with no way to reincarnate her (long story). so yeah, and i can safely say that i am not a good parent, because, well, i have my own life, and, well, any lessons that are too complex for me to find the words, or are repetitive (self defense, etc) i have them run simulations with my AI, and i don't spend much quality time with them, i mean, if i had to say something good, i do let them spend copious amounts of money (mine), i have made it clear they can come to me for anything, i've supported their relationships (GF, BF, idc, i prefer that they date women anyways lol), i've supported their decisions (my adopted daughters actually dance at a club (yes, strip club), because, well, they have fun with it from what they've told me (Immortal ones are different and I did the same thing a long time ago (long story, again, and one for another entry)), and i've been happy they have fun with that (i've gotten in contact with the owner and made damn sure his security team is good as well as his security system), and i mean, honestly i don't care what they do as long as they're happy, safe, and are doing what they want. i've always said that if i have a reason to exist, it's to abuse the fact that i have free will, and i think that that's what we all should do, take full advantage of the fact that we all have free will, and enjoy life, however that happens, and the same goes for my kids, i always tell them to do what they want (while of course thinking about risks, safety, their happiness, etc). but i mean hey, i'm still a bad mother on account of the fact i don't spend time with them, don't give them a lot of attention or love, i just- idk, i don't have a close relationship with them. not as much as i could, and honestly, not nearly as much as i should, but hey, i'll take it, as long as they're happy and safe, that's all i care about. anyways, i think i'll leave off there, i need a break from typing and all this, i'm honestly just kinda out of it. i hope to see you in my next entry.
10-27-2021 - 15:23
#44 - Random Stuff
Akasi:
well, i guess i'll start off with this: windows 11 is pretty fucking nice lol. i just recently got the update, and have quite liked it so far, but i miss being able to make sections and such in start, so that's not fun, but hey, i sent feedback with the feedback hub, so hopefully they'll fix that. oh, also, my girlfriends have almost made it up to me from our fight that i explained in entry #42, so that's good, and it looks like we're gonna end up better off than we were. it also helps that, well, it was partly the fault of some magic that someone who hated me casted, so yeah, not entirely their fault, but still. hmmmm, what else? oh! i am pretty far in The Flash on Netflix, i fucking love that show, along with all the CW stuff, Green Arrow, The Flash, Supergirl, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, all of it, super great, i only wish they could put in more LGBTQ+ characters lol. honestly i kinda have a bit of a crush on Sara Lance from Green Arrow & DC's Legends of Tomorrow lol, she's lesbian, but also super strong, and smart, and confident, and just- god some of the closeups of hers are so amazing i just- god it's amazing! anyways, enough of my gay as shit ramblings lol, umm, but yeah. you know it's funny, this entry has the most, well, personal information/interests of mine in quite a while, the last one was, i don't know, maybe never to be honest, but hey, you'd have to hack into Netflix and Microsoft to get the watch data for those shows, and the download Metrics for Windows 11 users to cross-reference lol, and even then, that's still not nearly enough data lol. and besides, who the fuck is gonna do that lol, nobody, because, well, what's the point in finding me? there is none to be honest. anyways, i think that's about all i have to write for now. i hope to see you in my next entry : )
10-25-2021 - 06:32
#43 - Dreams, What Powerful Things From Your Sleep
Akasi:
Last night i had a crazy dream, to say the least. i was talking with someone online, or on the phone? some sort of distance communication, and they were talking about a school, and how it was one of many with the same name, and all were roughly identical, and then i go and fly over the school (maybe in my Zukartian Shadow Form with wings, or some other method, i'm not too sure), and look at it. i then ask them where is a good place to meet up after school and hang out, and then fly there to my friend? i think this person is my friend, anyways, we walk into this field past where kids were hanging out, and i see this white stuff on the ground, maybe snow? it's not cold... idk. anyways, i notice the ground is lifted up over a ditch, making a sort of tunnel about, i don't know, i'd say 8 feet tall maybe? and then, i say we should cave in the roof to fill in the ditch, make it safer so it doesn't collapse on anyone else. my friend says no, but the sheriff was following us, and i ask him (normally i hate cops and authority, maybe i grow out of it) if i should cave it in, he says "yeah, sure, just be careful", so i get everyone to back away and i cave it in by stomping on it. then at the end, this, muddy thing comes out and i help drag it out. it's some living thing that i can't exactly tell what it was, but it was alive and needed rescuing. then after we got it out, i play a phone game, but then someone yells for help, or maybe i sense something and snap to attention. i then fight this guy with magic (he was pretty powerful) and trap him and his group in this place underground that they were living in (which was connected to that weird tunnel thing i collapsed), and i got back out, and everyone was freaked out, but i was calm because this was Immortal shit, which i know how to deal with. and then i go back to the phone game, and then leave, and the dream ends. it was really weird. i know that sometimes i get dreams that actually happen, but never more than 3 years in advance, usually about a year to a year and a half, but this dream? it felt.... it felt disturbingly vivid, and real. i don't know, it freaked me out, so i thought i'd write it here, i mean, i have nothing better to do with this dream hehe. anyways, i'll end it there. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.
10-24-2021 - 18:11
#42 - Emotions, Such Insane Things They Are
Akasi:
well, life has been kind of, well, meh, lately, it's been hard. so, i've been in a relationship with 2 women, a polyamorous relationship (Immortal life), and, well, recently they really upset me, and i have been trying to forgive them both but i just- it's so hard, because they are the first people that i have been emotionally vulnerable with in, god, at least a few dozen billion years if i'm honest, and they really hurt me, so i just- that's a work in progress, but before they upset me, they made me really happy, so i just- idk, it's a mess. oh, and in case you're wondering, one of the girls is [54;50.51;50.53;49.48;49.56;49.52;50.52] that i mentioned in the previous entry, the other is, well, an old friend who i've loved for years (and she's loved me back), that we had a sort of agreement and until certain things happened, we wouldn't be together, and just be best friends, her name is [50.52;49.53;50.53;54;50.52;49.51;56]. anyways, unrelated note, i made a discovery. see, [50.52;49.53;50.53;54;50.52;49.51;56] is a Succubus, which Succubuses can sense emotions to an extreme sensitivity, including emotions that are buried. they can also induce any emotion they've felt at any point from themselves or anyone else in anyone. so [50.52;49.53;50.53;54;50.52;49.51;56] can sense my emotions, and sort of "copy and paste" them to [54;50.51;50.53;49.48;49.56;49.52;50.52] so she can know exactly how i feel. or make herself feel my emotions. anyways, because of [50.52;49.53;50.53;54;50.52;49.51;56]'s abilities, she told me that apparently people have their emotions go through their mind like a slide-show, so they cycle through them or feel multiple like a collage, but it's defineable, and, well, can be described easily, whereas me, it's like my emotions are 20 people screaming out emotions at me and i can never focus on one of the voices, and everything just gets lost in the noise and becomes this mess of just undefineable screaming emotions that i can never fully understand. i think it might be because i have DID, as you know if you read the About Me page, but i just- it's not the other Alters per-say, it's, it's more my internal dialogue that's screaming out emotions, so whenever i try to "look inside" or whatever you call it, i can never figure it out. whereas when i look at the inner world, most of the other Alters are pretty quiet, they don't talk much unless i or whoever is in control at the time talks to them, or there's a big decision and i want or need their help, or putting it to a vote is the right thing to do, like if it affects all of us. i don't even know what to do. oh, also, i have some, well, interesting news, in entry #40, i was talking about how i was on a downward spiral, and well, i'm not anymore surprisingly. i think it's because of my girlfriends (other members in our poly? idk, i'll have to ask them about that). like even though they hurt me, they still managed to do what no one was able to, not even me: break me out of that downward spiral. also, those () right there, that's my internal dialogue, which, i think i might include. i think i'll just do (ID: "internal dialogue here"). ID for Internal Dialogue, then the quotes to clarify it. welll, actually yeah, i will do that. honestly i don't even know what to write. honestly this diary/blog thing site of mine (ID: "i have no clue wtf to call this lol") really helps me understand my shit, and helps me look back and analyze my shit, because, well, i'm a mess lol. well, i edited the top of this page explaining my Internal Dialogue stuff, so there we go. i think that's a good place to stop for now, because i'm just completely lost on what to write as of now. anyways, as always, i hope to see you in my next entry.
10-13-2021 - 02:56
#41 - So Many Things To Talk About
Akasi:
well, first off, i'll stat with the bad-ish stuff. i've noticed how this world, humans, Mortals, earth is moving forward, and i've been thinking to myself "where have i seen this before?" and then it hit me...... other civilizations as they approach the tipping point. see, when you're as old as i am (over 2 trillion years old), you've had the chance to see civilizations, people, species, even entire instances rise and fall, you get to sit back and watch their mistakes, actions, and everything that happens to them. i can tell that this world is approaching a tipping point, and it'll reach that in the next 20, maybe 25 years, and what Mortals do then, and in the few years preceding being hung in the balance, will determine if Mortals go extinct, or pull through and manage to survive. honestly it's just sad that so many Mortals don't see it, they don't see this tipping point on the horizon, or they choose to ignore it. it goes to show how likely Mortals are to go extinct. i don't know what will happen, why so few Mortals see the tipping point - if any - or why people don't think something's wrong. anyways, that's why i may seem to not care about most Mortals, because i see this tipping point and expect them to fail, i expect things to go bad, and for Mortals to go extinct, and none of them will open their eyes and change. only through a species-wide change and effort to save themselves will Mortals survive, and with how much division, conflict, hate, prejudice, and problems there are, i don't see that happening, even if Mortals, Humans, have a couple decades, hell, even if they had a century, i doubt they could do it. so yeah, that's why i tend to not see the best in Mortals, and i am sorry for that, but as i've said in other entries, there's almost always an exception, no matter what it is, including my general dislike for Mortals. now, the exceptions are ones who show values that normally only Immortals follow, such as Honor, among other things. anyways, i think that's enough of that. on to the neutral stuff. regarding my last entry: i've kind of gotten myself together again, got a tighter grip on the boat, so that's good. i've also officially decided fuck my therapist because, well, i started to dislike her too much, and i keep missing appointments, add in the fact that she doesn't seem to care about me anyhow, so yeah, fuck her. i'll find someone else sometime soon, but with my seasonal stuff, i doubt i'll find someone, or maybe she'll text me one day and explain herself, apologize, and try to be better, but unless that happens, i am officially done with her entirely. now, on to the good stuff: i have a new girlfriend. she's so amazing. she's an Immortal, so, there's that, and she's AMAZING, like oh my god, oh, and! she calls me "my sweet girl" like any time she refers to me and it is amazing, and it just makes my heart melt, and when i stare in her eyes i just- god i just can't look away because they're this beautiful, piercing blue, and it's amazing. she's also super sweet and nice, and she always just makes me smile when i get to see her, and she's super aware of my sensitivities, trauma, etc, and so she is really good about not triggering them, and she's also just- god she's just amazing. and, get this: i was crushing on her for, well, millions of years, and as it turns out, she was crushing on me too! oh, and, we've already nearly killed each other hehe (not joking, i mean this literally), and the reason that that is good is because now, we've gotten all the beginning speed bumps out of the way, so the relationship should go, well, more perfect than it already has now that those have been taken care of. also, yes, we did almost kill each other, she had a bowstaff, and i had two swords, and, well, let's just say there was nearly blood drawn, but our weapons did clash, so yeah. also, no, this is not common in all Immortal relationships, just ones when the people are more powerful or violent. in our case, we're both extremely powerful, and my GF is slightly more violent, and i am EXTREMELY violent. speaking of violence, unrelated to the relationship, i had to torture a guy the other day. he withstood a lot, i was surprised, but hey, challenges are always fun, and i always find a sadistic pleasure in torturing those who deserve it. this guy was in a cult that declared a war on me and some friends of mine simply out of prejudice, so yeah, he deserved it. anyways, back to my GF: she just makes my heart melt all the time, and when she cuddles me i just have this feeling of safe, close, intimate love that is just- it's unlike anything i've ever felt with anyone else, at least nowhere near this intensity. oh and in case you're wondering, my GF's name is [54;50.51;50.53;49.48;49.56;49.52;50.52]. sorry, but i gotta keep it encoded, that's you know, the whole point of this site being anonymous. anyways, that will be it for this entry. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this : ) <3
10-10-2021 - 21:57
#40 - I'm Broken
Akasi:
life has been hard lately, i've been starting in my seasonal depression downward spiral, as i do every year, but normally it takes longer for me to start down this path, normally i start the spiral early november, but not early october. i already cut the last two nights in a row, or maybe it was last night and the night before that? i don't remember, the days have begun to bleed together. see, how i feel right now, it's as if i've been sailing on a plain, barren ocean, no waves, no tides, and i've just been sailing in a little wooden boat - now, i want you to imagine this - your life has been you just sailing forever, drifting through life, every memory just there as you sail on by, and then there's this giant cyclone out of nowhere, wind, power, emotions, all just swirling in this windy, angry beast in front of you, and by the time you see the thing, it's already too late to steer away, and right now, you're holding on to your little boat for dear life, as the storm is whipping you through the air, tearing at you, as if it's some giant monster trying to rip you limb from limb and kill you - or make you kill yourself. that feeling that i just had you imagine is how i feel right now, and it'll only get worse until spring comes, or i find someone - or something - to give me a reason to hold on to my little boat tighter. i suppose that in this metaphor the boat is made up of planks, and each plank represents something good, for example, mental stability is one plank, sanity is another, happiness is another, but that one is the loose board in the bottom that you never found a use for, and there's so many other planks in there, each one representing a portion of who you are, so i suppose "good" isn't the right word, as not all of us are 100% good. and you're holding on to that for dear life, because if you let go, what will happen? well, i suppose this is about me, not whoever is reading this, but nonetheless, i'm holding on for dear life, because if i let go, i don't know what will happen. i don't know if i'll find a reason to live, some grand epiphany, something else, or find the strength of will to finally kill myself, the one thing i've been trying to not do for years. i'm just here, holding on for dear life in the storm, praying i don't lose my grip. honestly i don't even know what else to say for now, so, i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.
10-7-2021 - 21:36
#39 - Fuck You [51.49;50.52;54]
Akasi:
well, as some of you may know, [51.49;50.52;54] was my father in Immortal life. you know, the one that was horrible and caused my life to be hell, yeah, that one. well, i always said that if i have kids, that for every lesson i need to teach them that i had to learn because of [51.49;50.52;54], i would cut, and so i have 3 new scars to add to my collection. today i had to teach my daughter (Immortal life daughter, don't have kids in this Mortal life, and probably never will), [54;49.55;56;50.48;50.49;49.52;50.53;54;49.52] how to defend herself in case someone tries to r*pe her. yeah, not fun. i had her train in the simulation area with [50.49;49.51;49.53;49.48;49.57;49.52;50.57] as she always does, but still, i hate that i had to teach her that to begin with, because let's just say that she's at risk of it happening more so than in everyday life (i'm not getting into details) and so having her know that makes me comfortable, because i know she's tough as nails, and can handle anything - given the proper training - so yeah, but still, i had to learn that stuff to keep [51.49;50.52;54] from doing it a third time to me, and now i had to teach it to her because of her life. i just hate the fact that i had to. but as i said, i always swore i'd cut myself every time i need to teach her any lesson i needed to learn due to [51.49;50.52;54], because anything like that that she needs to learn, shows that i'm a bad mother, and, well, i should inflict pain upon myself for that. not emotionally healthy, i know, but it's who i am. also, as for the training, it's a simulator with holograms and shit, like VR but 1,000 fold more realistic, except the fact that people are blank, blue holograms (makes a mental disconnect so it doesn't traumatize her or upset her too much, as it's not a person and clearly not real, trust me, it's fine). anyways, yeah, i guess that's that. i'm gonna go to bed. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this.
10-7-2021 - 09:12
#38 - It's Been Rough Lately
Akasi:
well, as the title suggests, i've been struggling lately. i've just been upset for no reason, and have been having a hard time enjoying anything. idk, i've just been stuck lately. at least i have my therapist tomorrow, so that's good, been forever since i've seen her. anyways, i figured i'd make an entry because writing here? i always love it, and it helps. so thank you to whoever reads this, and i hope to see you in my next entry
10-1-2021 - 09:07
#37 - And So It Begins
Akasi:
well, my family and i do a very large celebration for halloween every year, and this weekend (tomorrow and the day after) is the beginning of us doing all the decorations, so that's happening. it's gonna be great.
9-29-2021 - 08:24
#36 - Emotions......
Akasi:
well, i changed the site again a bit, and honestly now that i've left [49.50;49.53;49.56;50.49;49.52;52;57;49.50]'s life, i have to say i really have no friends to be honest, but you know what? it's worth it if it means upholding Zukartian Custom, and not having the guilt and remorse of having inflicted pain. i hope to see you in my next entry......
9-29-2021 - 07:55
#35 - Funny, How Some Things Change
Akasi:
well, i had a realization recently: that i need to leave [49.50;49.53;49.56;50.49;49.52;52;57;49.50]'s life. see, he doesn't know the reason, and may never will, unless he checks this site, but i realized that i only liked him as someone to game with, and not really as a friend, and with all the pain i've caused him, well, it's as the Zukartian custom goes: "if you will cause, or have caused, more harm then good to someone's life, or multiple people's lives, then you should realize that, and remove yourself from their life, or lives, and allow them peace, and a happy life, or lives, away from you, and the pain you have inflicted, and allow them to focus on themself, focus on undoing the damage you did to them, with the knowledge that you will never enter their life again, and you will never cause them pain again". realization that you will do more harm than good, it's hard, and something i've lost sight of during Mortal life, but it's something I need to get back to, and leaving [49.50;49.53;49.56;50.49;49.52;52;57;49.50]'s life is the first step to doing so. i'll put some more information regarding this custom in Things to Quote for anyone interested. i hope to see you in my next entry.
9-24-2021 - 22:41
#34 - Small Changes
Akasi:
well, I have made a couple small changes, including making the warning on the welcome site more concise, and to the point, so i can convey the full warning in detail with less characters, but still have it make the point in full detail. i also changed up some of the welcome message as well to make it, well, a bit better in general. anyways, i think this will be my last entry until tomorrow. i hope to see you in my next entry : )
9-24-2021 - 21:44
#33 - New Looks, Again
Akasi:
well, google sites (the platform i use to create my website), has made an update where i can make custom themes, so i did just now before this entry, and i could not be happier. i love this text style, the almost "handwritten" style that feels personal, and also makes you feel connected, because i really love this site and like putting work into it, and i love making entries here, besides, it's more "me" now, it matches my personality more. and to those of you who have read this consistently: thank you. also, one note: you may notice that this entry has slightly larger text than my previous ones; that's to improve readability, and to make it a bit more noticeable, however my decision to leave the old entries as they are is because as i have said, i'm not going to go back and edit entries after i have written them, even to change text size. anyways, i hope to see you in my next entry : )
9-20-2021 - 09:07
#32 - For Fuck's Sake
Akasi
well, i haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks, and i sent her a text before my last entry, and oh look, she replied today, acting as if nothing happened, as if a week hadn't gone by since i sent the text, and she fucking knows i have Autism, and communication difficulties, and yet she does that, like seriously, check the fucking timestamps, and apologize for replying so late, i mean i apologize if i don't reply for half an hour, let alone a whole ass fucking week! it's annoying, and i'm just annoyed at her. honestly for the past few days i've been considering getting rid of her, stopping appointments, all that stuff, and just not having a therapist, but i figured i will give her one last shot and asked if we could do this Friday, to which she said yes. i guess we'll see if i still want to see her or not after this..... anyways, i hope to see you all in my next entry.
9-15-2021 - 16:13
#31 - I Don't Know
Akasi
today has been, just an emotional rollercoaster, and i'm kind of a mess lol. honestly i need to sleep these emotions off, so i'll probably be going to bed soon, but yeah, just figured i'd do one last entry today. i hope to see you in my next entry, whoever reads this
9-15-2021 - 03:39
#30 - New Looks
Akasi
well, with this entry, i have also updated my site's theme, and added a little logo at the top, a Compass Caliper inside a hexagon. it's simple, but it works. see, compass calipers are little devices that navigators (usually in the age of sail) would calibrate to the map's distance bars at the bottom, and use it to measure how far things were, using the map's information. it's also used to draw circles in some cases nowadays. i think that it being my logo works because back when those were used, people wanted freedom, to explore, adventure, excitement, all that, and idk, it kinda represents me in a way, because i love adventures and such. then my favicon (the thing that appears in the "tab" on websites if you're on PC" is some cute little dots, that each represent the fact that there's many Alters within our system. so yeah, it works. i also used the purple color for my theme, because why not, so now links appear in purple and not blue. it's nice, and it makes the site feel more, me i suppose. and i'm sure the other Alters will be fine with it (they don't use this a ton). anyways, i'm gonna go play video games. i hope to see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )
9-15-2021 - 03:04
#29 - I'm Tired
Akasi
i just woke up, and, well, i've been crying in the Inner World (DID Inner World) all night, just laying on my bed there. another Alter was in control until we wok up, and i have yet to see what they did before they put us to sleep (they're Non-Binary, and go by They/Them). anyways, i just figured i'd vent that little bit here because, well, honestly i'm just really upset still, and here, well, here i can be myself, and let my emotions out through the keys, as i've said before. oh, by the way, i also had an idea: to have the other Alters make themselves an Alias that can be used here, like my other Aliases, so we might use that starting soon. the others will have to go by aliases because, well, putting my name on the site is one thing, their names accompanying it? that's another. either way, i'll be including my name before any entries. anyways, i'm gonna work on stuff and maybe work on the site. i'll see you in my next entry i hope.
9-14-2021 - 11:46
#28 - A Lot Has Happened
well, as the title suggests, a lot has happened since my last entry, and it's one reason i haven't written here in so long (sorry for that), but let's start from what happened last entry: [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52] came back into my life and i missed her so fucking much, god i am so happy she came back, and honestly, having her by my side like how she and i used to be inseparable, i missed it so much, and now having that again, having her in my life again, it is just amazingly wonderful, so that's great. oh, also, in other news, unrelated, uhh, well, my wife, [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54] and i divorced. after all we'd been through, and how much i'd changed between the last time we saw each other, and when she came back into my life, the relationship slowly died, and so i left the polyamorous relationship with her and the other two people her and i were with. i never mentioned them here because nothing worth noting happened with them, and now, what's the point? so yeah. at least the three of them are together, along with an ex of mine who recently came into my life again. so i'm not all that broken up about things because they are happy as far as i know, and that's all i could ask for, even if [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54]'s revenge plan was to out my Bounty Hunting Alias as me so that every sicko that was friends with or knew someone i killed could come after me and my sister [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52], and everyone else i care about. yeah, turns out [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54] did not handle things well. i just wiped her memory of me entirely, wiped her knowledge of me, so in her eyes i never existed, which, in some way, it's almost comforting, knowing that she thinks she never met me, that way she can start a new life, enjoy it, and end up happy, and then she also poses 0 threat to me in any way, so i also benefit. anyways, idk, i guess i got closure, but, i'm still, idk, i'm just still processing it, which my methods of doing that are sleep, sex, going out on hits to hunt people for Bounties, Netflix and video games, yeah, not the healthiest ways of helping process it all, i admit, but hey, it's not like i'm losing control, i may be hitting a rough patch and getting down in a rut for a while, but i'm not losing control, not like i have in the past when i've- well....... let's just say that i steer clear of drugs completely, and don't drink much at all because i have abused my ability to consume said products in the past (in Immortal life, to be clear). anyways, umm, yeah, honestly i think this is about as much as i am mentally capable of writing here for now, well, typing, that is. so, i hope to see you in my next entry, which will hopefully be pretty soon, but might be a few days or a couple weeks, i don't really know to be honest but yeah, i hope to see you in my next entry. farewell, and thank you for reading
8-3-2021 - 06:16
#27 - Welcome
well, after my last entry, i asked one of my other sisters, [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52] to come over to talk about the contents of that entry (i'll explain why later in the entry), and she did. she said that she had been waiting for me to contact her for any reason because she was ready to come back into my life, and be together again, because she'd had enough adventures, time away from me, and time to "find herself", but she didn't contact me because she wanted me to call her, to ask her to come myself, not throw herself into my life. i'm really happy she did. now, as for why i wanted to talk about my last entries with her: she and i are both daughters to [51.49;50.52;54], you know, the man that traumatized us both? yeah, that guy...... entry #22 has more info about him...... anyways, during that trauma we only had each other, and because of that, we are seriously close, and have this, well, this bond that was born of trauma, i guess, trauma originating bond? yeah, i think i'll use that term until i can find a better one.... anyways, she and i, well, we only trusted each other, and we have this crazy strong bond, connection, this, link, i mean we even developed our own language that we could use in whispers so that [51.49;50.52;54] wouldn't know what we were saying, and we both still speak it, but yeah, i missed her, a lot, and it's definitely taking some getting used to, having her around again, i mean, it's kinda making me remember [51.49;50.52;54] more than i'd like, but i love her, and what he did to us is what made [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52] and I close, not what keeps us close, and not what makes us love each other. it's also a bit weird having her ask if i'm okay all the time.... i'm used to people knowing what [51.49;50.52;54] did, at least a little bit, or knowing a bit about what he was like, and asking me if i'm okay a lot out of pity. oh, i stubbed my toe? asking if i'm okay in that sort of pitying voice. i get dizzy? same thing. i fall down? same thing. i'm sick of pity, but with [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52], i can tell she's asking out of concern, out of caring, love, and worrying for me, and about me because she knows what i went through, just like i know what she went through, and i care for her, and she cares for me, i mean, idk, my point is that i can tell it's different, and comes from her worrying about me and being overprotective, which i am fine with, and honestly love, because it makes me feel loved by her, and when all that [51.49;50.52;54] did was traumatize me, i've loved getting [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52]'s love all my life, and i still do, and i hope it never stops, ever. anyways, i am finally able to welcome her home, with me, spending time with me, and just having her in my life again after years apart. i've missed her. anyways, i'm gonna stop writing here and give [50.52;49.48;50.51;54;49.57;49.52] some attention. see you in my next entry : )
8-2-2021 - 22:04
#26 - Fuck
well, in my last entry, i used the term "trauma bonded", and i thought that it meant (from the contexts i've heard it used) that it was you feeling a bond to someone who you went through trauma with. so, say for example, you're 2 siblings and your parents abused both of you, and you stuck together and have this much different, and "i'd do anything for you and go to any means to protect you" type of bond. but i looked it up just now because i wasn't sure and wanted to make sure i had the right term, but nope, it's actually where you feel a bond to someone who has caused you trauma, which i do NOT have, so, in light of that, i am very sorry to anyone who reads this for my mistake, but at least now you know what that term means, and what i meant. now i need to find a different term that is correct for what i mean. anyways, see you in my next entry i guess
8-1-2021 - 23:57
#25 - I Need to Vent I Suppose
well, as you can probably tell, my sleep schedule is fucked up (yet again), so that's great, and i also learned 2 things recently, one is that me getting hit or hurt on the back of my head is a trigger for my Autism, and makes me extremely overstimulated *snaps fingers* like that. i also learned that brushing my hair triggers this as well (if it's on the back of my head, or that area), so that's great, and also explains why i hate brushing my hair. also, as for my grandmother's behavior from last entry, no that was not an in the moment overreaction, and her and i have 0 relationship, and in light of that, her name is [56;54;50.51;50.48;49.55;52;49.57], and yes i know it's encoded, but the coded variants are still unique, so you can still identify entries regarding that person. anyways, good riddance to her. what else should i talk about? honestly i'm not sure, but lemme think....... i got another gift card from Killi, it's a pretty cool app, they sell your data (which most companies already do), but you get paid a paycheck. it's pretty nice. anyways, that $10 is going towards a new plushie, and i know i already have a TON, but i still like getting them : ) they make me happy, and really help me in general. honestly i'm a little trauma-bonded to them (oops), but hey, the last time someone attempted to hurt one they got a knife to the gut lol (an Immortal i mean, Mortals now know that i'm batshit crazy and will hurt them if they hurt my plushies, so that intimidation is enough to get them to back the hell up (it only took numerous threats, don't worry)), so yeah. oh, speaking of bonds, connections, etc, my sister, [50.52;49.51;56;49.54;50.49;49.52;57], the main Immortal one i may have talked about in this diary, well, she and i are now completely not ok and not even sisters anymore, and i'm completely joking lol, but seriously, her and i are actually closer than ever, i honestly miss sleeping with her. by this i mean same bed, cuddles and shit, purely platonic (fuck off you pervs) because we're hella close, and we've been through a lot together. maybe not quite trauma bonded, but definitely been through a lot. so yeah, her and i are great, and i honeslty miss having her around this much and giving me this much attention and stuff, i'm kinda surprised my GF's and wife (polyamorous relationship, and marrying multiple people is totally fine in Immortal life, if not rare and with some requirements) aren't jealous lol, but hey, i trust they'll ask for attention if they want it, and i have had them come over to watch Netflix with [50.52;49.51;56;49.54;50.49;49.52;57] and i, so i think all is well. anyways, i guess i'll see you in my next entry. thank you for reading, truly, and i hope to see you more, whoever you are.
7-28-2021 - 10:59
#24 - Fucking Humans
just when i think humans can't be any more of a shitty, useless, annoying species that is entirely a waste except for the very few exceptions i have found over the years, i am shown another new and exciting way for them to be horrible, worthless pieces of shit. i mean, for crying out loud, my own grandmother found a way to fuck up. we were watching a movie, and there was a guy with some sort of mental condition, something related to Autism, and he couldn't speak well, and had a hard time communicating, and he asked one of the other characters if they could buy their own truck, but they were broke and so the other guy said that, and then my grandma asks "so, him, is he a little retarted?", TO MY FACE, WHEN I HAVE AUTISM AND HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT WORD FUCKING EXISTING FOR ALL MY FUCKING LIFE, i mean seriously, my god, and so i got up and ran off because it was all i could do to keep myself from punching her in the face or killing her. then i came down and told her to shut up and let me speak, and i explained it. and you know what? i've explained this to her once before and explained that it is a horrible word, it's a fucking slur in my book, but no, she just can't seem to understand that it is disgusting. i told her to get out and pack her stuff up because i am so done with her. her and i have no relationship anymore, and i never want to look at her again. she made her last mistake today, oh, and top it off with the fact that she still fucks up my name and tries to take pictures of me when i'm not crossdressing. i am so fucking done with her. i'm gonna go clean up from food, and then play video games so i can murder shit in the games, that way i'm not murdering people or things in real life because i am THAT PISSED OFF right now. i'll see you in my next entry.
7-25-2021 - 13:18
#23 - Time To Be Myself
well, i have decided i'm done with the facade, at least the one i use to make Mortals more comfortable, that is. see, all my life, i have always had this facade of this nice girl and that i am calm, and don't know how to kill people hundreds of ways, and that i've never held a weapon before. i'm going to be myself, murderous intent and extreme self control in all. see, the facade that i use makes me express my rage, and makes me yell and shit, and throw around curses, but in Immortal life, if i got mad, i'd go silent and take up this ice cold death glare that would terrify most people, and then rip the limbs off of whoever mad me that pissed, and then look around the room and see if anyone wanted to fight me, and if nobody came at me, i'd leave them alone, and calm back down, but i'd always go silent, deathly silent, and just focus all my energy on murder, chaos, and making the world the middle of a storm that i was conducting, and make it hell for anyone trying to fight me. i'm officially done with the facade i use to make Mortals more comfortable, and will go back to silence, rage, and lots of self control so i don't get arrested, because god forbid i murder someone with Mortals' ridiculously sensitive aversion to death. anyways, yeah, i'm gonna be myself again, not some version that doesn't terrify most Mortals. also, my inspiration for this is the movie Jolt, which i just watched on amazon prime video. anyways, yeah, no more facades, no more faking, no more trying to accommodate Mortals and being something i'm not.
Entry #22 Jump Point & A Note
READ THIS PRIOR TO READING THE ENTRY
Note: this goes into details, so mild Trigger warning there
so Entry #22 i now know was part of a thing called DID Pseudo-Memories, which are false, fake memories, however this was merely a cover up from the real memory. the first bit, the first time in the story that [51.49;50.52;54] or SIF had raped me, that was partly true. except the real memory was in a kindergarten bathroom when i was a child. being tied up in the memory was an analogy for being trapped, the torture being an analogy for - i think - how the who did it treated me (i think he was a teacher or something, i have yet to figure it out), however the second bit, that's not true, the second time on the bed that SIF raped me, that was not true, i admit. i leave this entry up, unedited, as i said that i would always leave these unedited once they are published, however i want to clarify with this note that, no, i was not raped in that manner or a second time as far as i am aware of. i may uncover a memory of that another time, but as it stands, and as far as i am aware, the second time it happened in the Pesudo-Memory is simply not true, and not an analogy for anything either, it's just a Pseudo-Memory, nothing more, nothing less
7-18-2021 - 06:45
#22 I'm Ready..... I Think
well, i'm finally ready to uhhh, open up about the time that umm, [51.49;50.52;54], well, raped me all those years ago. now, due to the, well, extremely, shall we say "detailed" nature of this post, i'm putting it in collapsible text, just because it's, well, pretty extreme...... anyways, i umm, yeah, here goes i suppose.....
so, i remember that [51.49;50.52;54] used to train me to withstand torture, which nowadays, i do find useful, it has helped me, and i appreciate it, but still, it was harsh. anyways, one day, it's a routine "session" he liked to call it, run of the mill, basic withstanding of bleeding out, cutting, and it was the third time with serrated knives (if used slowly they hurt worse, but if used fast, they feel about as painful as plain, straight edge knives), and it was, shall we say, "new curriculum", and so yeah, and at the end, well, at the end, i ended up falling to my knees because of blood loss, and he um, he shoved his, thing, into y mouth and forced me to, suck it. and well, i did, because he had a knife to my neck the whole time, and then after that, he left, and i spit it back out (you can guess what i mean), and i thought that was the end of it. turns out, he enjoyed it, because a few months later he ends up telling me we're going to a fancy dinner (i was used as arm candy, and if shit went wrong i could kill everyone in the room), and so i said sure, and he gave me this fancy dress to wear and said to break it in (meaning find ways to hide a whole arsenal underneath it, and get comfy with it and fighting in it), and so i assumed it was nothing, and then when it was almost time for the dinner, he said to go to a room on the Angel of Death (name of his ship), and it was this vacant room, and, i thought nothing of it, and then he came in and said "oh you look so pretty in that dress, this playtime is gonna be wonderful", and then pinned me to the bed in the room, and forced himself on me, and then his thing into me, and went in. well after that i was traumatized beyond belief, and i decided to be a psycho and hatched a plan to kill us both, or get what i want, and that was him to stop being like this. long story short, i was beyond suicidal, but hid it well, and combat training and such gave me an excuse for all my cuts, and the occasional stab, so i was ready to die, but had Phoenix (my AI that used to serve [51.49;50.52;54] and me, but i'm her maker so she reverted to serving me) give me a medication that would help me be confident when the time came (can't remember wtf it was). sure enough that time came a few months later, and so i found the most powerful bomb that i could fit in my underwear when he asked me to put on that vile dress, and i set it to blow up in an hour upon my activating it (he told me to go to the room less than an hour prior), and so when he came in, i shot the door and said "privacy" acting as if was going to go along with this behavior, and so he looked, and found the bomb, and he said "well fuck you bitch!", and i said to him "you are never going to lay another hand on me, ever again, and never do anything like this again, or i kill us both, and with how fucked in the head i am, you know i'd kill us both, now swear upon your life", and so he said "fine, goddamn, i swear upon my life" and i felt it binding and gave him the deactivation code (he removed the bomb and threw it into the corner before). after that he never acted like that again, but i was still ready. i kept that bomb in my pillow for the rest of my time on that ship, and if he ever asked me to put on that dress again i was gonna kill us both, partly bc crew would reincarnate us afterwards, but when i had made that plan in the first place, i had given Phoenix strict orders to tell crew to reincarnate me first, so i could destroy [51.49;50.52;54]'s soul, and take over his role, and take all his money, ships, fleet, etc for myself, and use them for good use, and make sure he was never reincarnated again, and that none of the things he had would ever hurt another innocent life again.
so that's the story i suppose, i just- that was, well, really hard for me to write, but i ummm, i managed to keep myself together to write it, and i just- i'm glad to have that off my chest. i know that if anyone reads this, it's random people on the internet, but still, it helps me a lot to vent here, and write here, so thank you for reading, and for stomaching this story with me, it means a lot. i ummmm, i guess i'll see you in my next entry i suppose, i just- i might need a while before i write again. thank you for reading, and i hope to see you in my next entry
7-8-2021 - 20:06
#21 - Fucking Habits
you know, i really hate myself sometimes. see, i'm in this great discord server, and they're all so fucking amazing, and i love them, and the server, but i almost relapsed to one of my old habits. see, a while ago i spoke about what the bitch [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] did to me (to recap, she called the cops on me when i needed her to talk me down, distract me, and comfort me, and she knew this, but she called the fuckers anyways, even when she knew it would only make it worse), and so one reason i even told [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] when i did back then was because i was struggling and needed help, it was a cry for help, and in the back of my mind i was like "well, i also get attention from this, and that's good, so i may as well talk about it with people i trust after making sure it's ok", and i didn't do it much, but there was always this part of me that knew talking about it would get me attention, and i just- god i fucking hate it. now i hide any and all self harm stuff, i honestly just hide a lot of stuff, i mean, the amount of things people know about me is almost nothing compared to what they don't know about me, i mean, it's ridiculous, and i just- idk, it's so hard. anyways, the old habit was i actually opened up about my self harm for a minute in the discord server i'm in and love, and i had this moment of wanting to mention it in another chat after sending a message, and i just- i hated having that thought, because that's how it always started back then. simple urge/thought, then bc of my Autism it'd end up repeating in my head until i had to fucking say it, and it'd be suck a pain, and i just- it's so fucking hard not falling into old habits, and i hate it, and i just- i've been so overwhelmed lately, and it's been really hard to keep myself stable, and to not self harm, which the last time was 5 ish days ago (i'm not gonna get into it now), so yeah, idk, it's just been really fucking hard lately is all. i hope to see you in my next entry i guess.....
7-7-2021 - 14:40
#20 - Updates
well, since my last entry i have added a poem to the Things to Quote page, and have updated the site to reflect the new location. also, i have made one mistake to the previous entry. it was from today, not the 8th, the 7th, and i made that typo unknowingly, as i am very overwhelmed and feeling a tad sick/under the weather (fucking vaccine), but i figured i'd note that here, but not edit that entry, as i said i'd never edit one again, and i intend to keep that promise. have a great day/night, and i hope to see you in my next entry.
7-8-2021 - 13:57
#19 - An Idea
as the title suggests i had an idea, it's a silly one, and kind of stupid, but i'm gonna start writing poems, little bits of advice, just really any bits of advice i can give, something to sort of "follow" shall we say, little shreds of wisdom that come to mind, little pieces of suggestion, just anything that might help someone, and i will be adding a new page to this diary for that, it will be at Things to Quote if you would like, and it's going to be in the form of things people can quote me on, or things that may be repeated to others, such as "when you seek vengeance, always dig two graves; one for your enemy, and one for yourself", or "curiosity killed the cat", things like that, things that might help someone to hear them. i will also include the words of others in quotes, and give credit to the original speaker, however if i do not know of the original speaker, then i will leave the words as my own. i may also give context for some entries on that page, however, those words of wisdom will be far scarcer than the entries upon this page. anyways, i have some updating to do on some of the other pages in this diary, and will write yet another entry here when that is done. thank you for reading, and i will see you in my next entry - i hope.
7-6-2021 - 16:21
#18 - Mortals' Illogic
you know, you Mortals are so fucking illogical sometimes, y'all know that right? i mean just a minute ago i had this kid randomly add me for 0 reason whatsoever, seriously, his exact words were "i don't know, because i can". and so then when i said i was gonna block him (because having random people add me is annoying because they tend to be jackasses or pricks), he starts screaming "ni**er!" over and over again into the microphone (as i said, jackasses or pricks, he falls into the latter), like seriously? what is the point? idfk, but it's just weird how you Mortals somehow excel at illogic.
7-1-2021 - 06:51
#17 - Random Entry
well, there wasn't much that happened since y last entry. i'm in a pretty good mood, i'm, idk, things are kinda neutral right now, it's nice. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry.
6-30-2021 - 20:20
#16 - New Discord Server
well, i found a new discord server! i've been loving it, it's really nice. i also plan on making a cool collage thing of pride flags, and their logo as well. i've had a lot of emotions lately, and i've been struggling a bit with being, well happy, idk, it's been hard lately. also, sorry for the, shall we say, emotionlessness and impersonal wording of this, i'm in a rush as i type, but i'll come back soon once i'm ready to take some time writing an entry. thanks for reading : )
6-21-2021 - 22:36
#15 - Addressing Something
so, it's only a handful of minutes after writing and posting that last entry, but i wanted to address something: that last entry, it's not just me complaining and venting, it's also me telling you how to be better in a way, by telling you what not to do, what the problems with humans are, Mortals, and so that way you can know how to be better, be a good person, that is if you want to be an exception. maybe i'll add a list of ways to be good, like a list of certain example behaviors that are good in the About Immortals page, i don't know, wither way, thanks for reading that last one, and if not, please read it (it's just below this one). anyways, see you in my next entry.
6-21-2021 - 22:08
#14 - FUCKING FLESHBAGS
I SWEAR TO GOD, I AM SICK OF THE MORTAL BODY BEING SUCH A SHITTY LITTLE THING THAT IS SO FRAGILE, NEEDY, AND HYPER-FUCKING-SENSITIVE TO ANY ISSUE WITH ITS ENVIRONMENT WHATSOEVER, I MEAN FOR FUCK SAKE, THIS FLESHBAG THAT I AM STUCK POSSESSING IS SHIT, WEAK, PATHETIC, AND UNABLE TO FUNCTION WITHOUT 200 DIFFERENT NEEDS PER DAY, GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. i mean seriously, it sweats if it's 10 degrees too hot, it shivers if it's 10 too cold, if i don't eat more than one meal a day its stomach grumbles and it feels weak, i try my damndest to be hygenic and it still feels disgusting when i sit around for a while, i exercise the slightest and it sweats like a fucking pig, i mean for fuck's sake! if someone needed an argument for Mortals being inferios, i'd tell them "examine the Mortal body first, you'll get a list of arguments" because it's true, the Mortal body is so flawed, weak, fragile, and hypersensitive that it is ridiculous, i mean for fuck's sake, if it weren't for Mortals' intelligence in how to supply it with so many needs, humans would have gone extinct a forever ago, and even then, Mortals are still so far behind in mental, emotional, and species-wide maturity that they're probably gonna go extinct within the next century, if not sooner. Mortals are definitely inferior to Immortals, no offense, and there are some good ones, ones that are deserving of being treated as equals, or slightly less than equals (showing a minor amount less respect than equals is what i mean by this), but as for most of the population? they're inferior, and can't comprehend anything close to resembling some semblance of Honor, let alone have it, they're emotionally stunted, incapable of communicating effectively, have multiple racial, religious, national, and other forms of division that only grow wider by the decade, they are ruining this planet and it's dying, and will die within the next couple centuries most likely, they kill each other off in scores, they have no special abilities like Immortals do (fast regeneration, sonic manipulation, teleportation, anything like this), the Mortal body is also weak, pathetic, and in general an entire joke to existence as it stands today, Mortals are also just so, so grossly incapable of any real form of connection that truly matters, they have unrealistic standards, unrealistic expectations, that only exist to disappoint them, and they also have multiple issues in terms of a species, overpopulation, ill-diverse gene pool in some parts of the populus (incest, birth defects, etc), i mean, even by Mortal standards for animals, Mortals are seriously pathetic, i mean humans get a score of 2.2 in Trophic Levels (click for more info), so according to that they're really truly pathetic, and the only thing they have going for them is intelligence, which when that intelligence is almost entirely devoted to making weapons of mass destruction, abusing and hurting other humans, ripping each other apart with said weapons, and in general causing in-fighting and hatred amongst the species, humans really are a pathetic species, i mean for fuck's sake, look at it like i do, as another species possessing this Mortal body, looking in from the outside, and now getting a chance to see it all up close. and yes, you might counter me and say that there's good people in the world, and yes, there are, i give you that, but what happens when they meet someone who's an opportunist? they get taken advantage of, and if it happens enough, poof, no more nice person, because they're hollowed out from being used by people who - yet again - used their intelligence to rip others of their species apart, and in-fight. and yes humanitarians exist, but almost nobody does anything nice for no reason. humanitarians do it for the good looks, or "thank you"s, they never do it for absolutely no reason, and if there is one that does it for 0 reason, and is 100% selfless, then i want them to take a polygraph and make sure they're not lying, and if they really are being honest, then fine, they're the one exception to this, but is anyone gonna prove it? no, because they're too busy ripping each other apart, and causing more division amongst humans. i mean ffs, it's just ridiculous how awful humans are, and i am stuck here until this Mortal body kicks the bucket, and after reading all this, if you ever wonder why i've been suicidal in the past, i'd like you to re read this entry and remember this as you do: i'm stuck here and don't want to be here, i'm an Immortal and not a human, and i am very cynical. anyways, it's just annoying that people don't see how shit this world is, how shit humans are, and how few exceptions to that generalization there is, i mean the fact i even have to say that the few good humans are the exception says a lot about the human race in and of itself, and it's just pathetic. honestly i can not wait to get back to my Immortal life, then at least i can watch this world burn from a distance, and not be stuck in it. anyways, i guess i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this, and i hope you have a great day/night, thanks for reading my ramblings.
6-6-2021 - 21:01
#13 - Some Songs Are Deep
i'm listening to Noreg by Sky Townsend right now as i write this entry, and it's just- it's really hitting me in the feels, and i love it. idk, it's just- it's really deep, and i'm just vibing to it, idk, it's great. on another note, [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] and i are back on good terms again. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry i guess
6-5-2021 - 21:51
#12 - An Old Friend Named Betrayal
well, where to begin. therapy was good yesterday, i got to vent about a couple people (last entry for context) that pissed me off, and well, today rolls around, and so, i opened up to who i thought was my best friend [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] about what [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] did to me all those years, and how she betrayed me, and about self harm, and suicide, and all that stuff with me, and i really opened up about my darkness, it felt good. at least until she took [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54]'s side in things, and turned out to be a total bitch, and i said to her "can't believe you're taking her fucking side" and she said she wasn't, which is obviously a fucking lie, or not a truth i can accept right now, i mean she said all the same fucking things i heard other people say, all the same fucking things, how they take [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54]'s side in it all, and it's fucking annoying, and i hate it, i fucking hate it. i removed her as a friend on discord, and closed the chat, and removed everyone else while i was at it, not like any of them messaged me anyways, or gave a shit about me. anyways, i removed them all, and so yeah, good riddance, i've also officially decided that i'm not gonna have any friends, and just stop caring for Mortals until they show they care about me, and genuinely, and then i'll care about that one, and if they show they can be good like Immortals, honorable, etc, then i'll treat them with respect, as i do Immortals. anyways, i'm just sick of getting hurt by them, and so i'm gonna remove them from my life now, besides, gives me more time for things i like, like video games, netflix, twitch streaming, etc, etc. honestly i'm just done. oh, also, in other news, i got my first covid vaccination since my last entry. i won't be giving out dates in case someone decides to try and find out who i am by checking who got shots on the exact dates, so yeah, but yeah, sometime since my last entry, i got the first round of phizer or whatever tf covid shot, idc tbh, other than the fact that my arm got sore as shit, and i hated it, so glad my hormones are pills and not an injection, that would suck. anyways, yeah. also, in regards to dating, i doubt i'll meet someone, besides, who cares, it's not like i'd be able to be with them once they die, go to the Underworld and shit like a normal Mortal couple, it just wouldn't work, even then, i'm picky, and if i'm gonna date someone, i'm gonna be picky as hell, and they'd need to be nearly perfect, which a near perfect Mortal? i'm convinced that that is impossible, even if it's by Mortal standards, not Immortal ones. anyways, yeah, life just fucking sucks right now. oh, and back to [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] betraying me and taking [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54]'s side in things, if [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] ever wants to be friends again, she needs to wait to send a friend request for a couple days, and better have a long ass apology ready, literally about 2,000 characters, which is the message length limit for discord, i mean, for fuck's sake, i opened up about the times i cut badly, the times i had the knife against my throat, ready to die, ready to slice it open and suffocate as i choke on my own blood, and some other dark things about me, and i don't do that lightly, i mean, i never told anyone half that stuff, and i tell her and she betrays me immediately? fucking hell, even you need to know how much that would hurt just imagining it, now, as for what [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] did to betray me, see, i had been self harming (nothing serious yet at the time) and hated police, and she called the fucking cops on me, and they came into my fucking bedroom, MY FUCKING BEDROOM, they wouldn't even knock, or anything, and just walked in as if they owned the fucking place, they invaded my privacy, and my room, and that alone was enough to make me hate them, let alone my pre-existing hate for them, and she knew i hated them, and i told her to just calm me down and distract me, even just argue with me, and she called them anyways, i mean for fuck's sake, i was in my underwear, and had them fucking staring at me, and i had the covers on, but still, they're fucking perverted bastards, and when i've been fucking r*ped, you can imagine how fucking awful that felt (i explain that story in other entries i believe), so yeah, [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] betrayed me big time. and you know why i even opened up to her to begin with? as a cry for help, for her to be someone i could confide in, trust, and she fucking broke it. now i don't trust any Mortals anymore because she taught me that they're untrustable bastards, 90% of them. i still fucking hate her for that one. and now you know the full story so you're not thinking i'm leaving shit out. god i'm fucking pissed at [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] still, and the fact that [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] took her side in things is just- it hurts, and i am fucking done with that bitch. if she wants to come crawling back, and apologize, fine, but it better be one hell of an apology, and she better not fuck up like this again, oh, and to think, her birthday is marked on my fucking calendar in my phone, and i had gotten a spotify premium code from my Xbox Game Pass Ultimate subscription a while back, and was gonna give it to [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] because i don't use spotify, i had a birthday gift for her and was so excited, wanted to give it to her early and everything, funny how that went out the fucking window. you know, the funny thing is i gave her the link to this site, and i doubt she's even gonna read it, and one day she'll send me a friend request, and i'll tell her to check this site, and she'll realize how much she fucking hurt me, god i hope she's fucking crying because of how bad she fucked up, or does when she realizes how pissed i am, and that she took our entire friendship and tore it to shreds when she did that. i hate her currently, and it is gonna be hard for me to ever forgive her. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this.
5-31-2021 - 15:11
#11 - Fucking Mortals and Mortal Life........
you know, it never ceases to amaze me what shitty types of people i manage to meet, for example, the perverts on omegle, i fucking hate them and meet them way too often, and the pricks and assholes who just fucking abandon you for no goddamn reason, like what the fuck?!?? i did nothing to you, and you fucking leave for no reason? ugh, it's a fucking pain living Mortal life sometimes, honestly i think the only thing that helps me deal with it is knowing that when this Mortal body kicks the bucket i'll go back to Immortal life, and be done with this shit, then continue writing this blog as an Immortal, just Shifted to look like a Mortal. honestly, it's exhausting.
5-29-2021 - 14:07
#10 - Honesty is a Bitch
well, i took some space from people for a couple days, including my Mortal GF [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57], and now i'm back talking to her, and she said she's busy with a friend, which already makes me want to not tell her how i feel, but she asked me how i am, and i told her that there's multiple answers to that, and for her to pick which answer, and she asked "do you want to talk about it?", like really? i just- i told her to pick, and not ask me if i want to talk about it, it screams generic reply, which means give her my default faking "nope, nothing's wrong" and acting as if i'm okay, but no, that'd be lying to her, which i don't do in relationships, especially when it comes to feelings. if i don't want to talk i avoid the question, skirt around it, change the subject, any number of methods of deflection, so with her i left her on read. not as if she cares, or will ask, even after i started typing, then stopped, and never messaged. i'm honestly looking for any reason for her and i to break up, because i am just so terrified of trusting someone again, i mean, there was this girl i matched with on one of those illogical dating apps, you know, that stupid swipe left or right garbage? yeah, that sort of app, anyways, i was so mortified because she lived nearby, so blocking her doesn't do a ton of good, now does it? and so i just up and unmatched with her because i was so mortified of being vulnerable. i hate being vulnerable, i hate it, you see it come out in me in so many ways if you really pay attention, and my one true, core fear is of the unknown, see, the darkness i'm fine with, because i realized: once you realize you can assimilate with the darkness, become one with it, it feels like home to you, and anyways, my fear of being vulnerable is a fear relating to the fear of the unknown, which is because i don't know what people will do if i'm vulnerable, and that terrifies me, i just- i don't know, it's hard to do this, especially when i just can't trust people for the life of me, and with her, [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57], i just- it's so hard because she's so spontaneous, and inconsistent, it just makes me feel like i can't trust her. i need someone who can be this reliable, dependable rock, someone i can rely on, truly trust, all that, but with her? i just can't do that because of her personality, so i guess that's why i am looking for any reason to break up, because i feel i can't trust her, and i'm sure as hell not gonna say this to her face, hell no, her personality is spontaneous, it's literally her thing, which i sometimes like, but for a long term relationship? especially someone i hope to marry (Mortal wedding) one day? hell no, it's just- no. and i know marriage is decades away (probably), but i always look to the future, my past is dark, filled with these horrible things that i've done, to myself, others, people i care about, and so i have to look forward, i can't dwell on the past, because if i look back, i'll never turn back around to walk forwards in life, i'll just stand there, as all my horrors rush at me, like a deer in the headlights, waiting to die. god if [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] knew what things i'd done, she'd hate me, and i guess i should tell her, but then again, she'd hate me, honestly i'd rather break up with her and never have to tell her what i've done in my past. idk, it's just so hard, and i wish i could just read her fucking mind like i can with Immortals, but i can't. i don't know, it's just a lot, and it's hard to deal with and think about. anyways, see you in my next entry i guess..........
5-26-2021 - 17:49
#9 - New Day
well, i woke up this morning, slept in, went on my phone, then woke up and got on my tablet, and computer, with my phone next to them so i can maximise screen room and productivity, which will only increase when i get the Samsung Galaxy Note that i've wanted for so long, so that's good. idk, i feel refreshed, i feel like today will actually be good, and not completely shit, but hey, things change, so idk, but we'll see.
5-26-2021 - 00:05
#8
honestly i might stop doing titles unless i have a good one that way i'm not obligated to do anything besides number, date, and time, but anyways, i'm going to go and say that today has been shit, complete, and utter shit so far. i am tired, bored, and kinda depressed, and once again mildly wanting to kms so i can go the fuck back to Immortal life and get rid of this fucking Mortal body. i'm just tired of this Mortal life in so many regards, i miss Immortal life, i miss Immortals, and i'm just sick of people giving me shit when i say "oh you Mortals _____" or "ugh, fucking Mortals" or anything where i call people Mortals, because that's what they are, that's what people are, and i am so sick of people saying "oh well what are you, a god" or whatever bullshit they think of. i'm just sick of this life, of Mortals, even my friend/girlfriend, she doesn't act differently past good morning and goodnight texts, and i haven't even explained people like my Immortal wife, [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54] to her yet, and how i'm going to want to stay with them as well as her, and even then, when i die, and she dies, she's gonna go to the Underworld, wonder where tf i am, and realize i abandoned her, and i won't ever contact her again, and i doubt she wants that, and even then, she doesn't give me more attention, reply more, nothing, she doesn't give me the attention i need, and i just- i feel like i might be better off not dating Mortals at all, and just having friends with benefits, and friends. honestly, i'm just fucking sick of this life, sick of Mortals, sick of this planet, sick of not being able to be myself, sick of having to be something i'm not, and it's just so fucking tiring, and i am sick of it! i just- i don't even fucking know, i'm just tired, and drained, and sick of Mortal life, i wish i could go back to Immortal life, or at least be rich like i am in Immortal life, then if someone gives me shit, i'm rich enough that i can say "fuck off" and nobody will give a shit, and people won't give me shit. i don't know what will fix this, but i have this feeling of nothing being interesting, or making me happy, and it comes back sometimes, and i'm just sick of it, honestly. i wish i could be myself, and have the motivation to do so, and not have to deal with this feeling. i also feel so ungrounded, and i just- i do not have the mental capability to function in day-to-day life, i mean, a job? i'd zone out so horribly, or i'd be so suicidal from the work after a time, i just- Mortal life is so demanding, and so fucking hopeless, and bleak. honestly i should apply for disability benefits or whatever it is because i am so mentally fucked that i can't function, and without a therapist i'd kill myself within a month because i need that, but a mental institution would be the worst because i'd feel trapped, and go insane, break out, then it would not end well from there, i just- i don't know. i just feel like i can't focus on anything lately either, like dissociating really bad, and i'm hardly able to function, especially not in Mortals' society, i just- *sighs* i just can't process anything, not for the life of me. i'll see you in my next entry, and sorry for the sheer amount of illogic in this entry, i'm honestly just mentally fucked right now.
5-25-2021 - 17:54
#7 - New Day
well, today is a new day (i went to sleep bc my sleep schedule is fucked, so i call it a new day lol). i also texted my friend/girlfriend [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] this morning, and, well, i called her "babygirl", and then she went offline and has been for a while now, so idk if that's something she's weird about? i know she said she's weird about sexual shit, but idk about nicknames and stuff like that, idk, i just hope i didn't upset her
5-25-2021 - 01:44
#6 - One Last Entry for The Night
well, as the title suggests, this is my last entry for the night, and i decided that i will keep one year of entries on this page, maybe a tad less, and move anything older to the Library page, which will be the hub for anything older than a year. i hope you enjoy, and find the organization at least mildly sensible lol. anyways, enjoy, and i'll see you in my next entry.
5-25-2021 - 01:27
#5 - An Update
i updated the "about Immortals" page for you, and i hope you do read the edited version. anyways, i am tired, and nearly dissociating right now, so i will end here. also, i will begin to move posts to the index as needed, so as to keep pages from taking multiple years to load, and keep slower computers and devices from crashing while loading this page, but don't worry, i will not be editing anything, simply copying and pasting, then deleting the old post on this page. i will see you in my next entry. farewell.
5-25-2021 - 00:40
#4 - Mortals on GTA 5
well, i keep coming back to GTA 5, or trying to, and am only reminded, every single time, that it is only a cesspool of filthy Mortal scum that just have no comprehension of honor, fairness, anything worthwhile, or that would mean shit in Immortal society, or any advanced one for that matter. honestly, you Mortals can never quite comprehend honor, and if you can, your idea of it is very limited, and insolent, and quite frankly? i'm sick of it, i'm fucking sick of it. honestly i've been thinking about asking people when we first meet "do you want me to treat you like an Immortal, or like a Mortal?" and then depending on their decision, depends on how i treat them, and it will differ, and that choice is something they'll live with until they prove to me they can be treated as an Immortal, or if they ask to be treated like that at the start, and don't act like it, then they'll be treated like a Mortal. i think it's a good idea. you know what? i should outline examples of honorability from Immortal life, and dishonorability, and general standards and shit of our culture in the About Immortals page on this site. yeah, that's what i'll do, that way you readers can have a clear idea of our standards and shit, and then might help you comprehend things like honor and Immortal standards, but idk, i don't have much hope anyhow, seeing as there's very few exceptions to my general consensus of "Mortals are shitty beings". anyways, i'll publish this, then update the About Immortals page for y'all. see you in my next entry.
5-24-2021 - 05:26
#3 - Anger is Powerful
well, i went on omegle, only to find it was a cesspool of PERVERTS, CUNTS, AND ASSHOLES, EVEN ON THE FUCKING LESBIAN INTEREST, WHICH IS USUALLY JUST FILLED WITH BOTS, AND SLUTS, NOT PERVY GUYS THAT ASK FOR SHIT LIKE "GANG R**E VIDS" ON THE FUCKING INTERNET! GOD I WISH I HAD MY IP GRABBER, I'D HAVE SENT THAT SCREENSHOT STRAIGHT TO THE FUCKING POLICE. GOD I WANT TO FUCKING KILL PERVS LIKE THAT. and i had one girl who thought that him asking for that was FUCKING FUNNY, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! for fuck sake, you Mortals need to get your shit together, i mean literally, in all my life, i've met what? maybe 100 good Mortals that i don't currently dislike or hate? like what the fuck? in my life, i haven't met more than 100 Mortals i like, and even that's a stretch, by a long shot. good fucking god. i hate some of you Mortals, the pervs for sure. god.
5-24-2021 - 04:12
#2 - Something Big, or Perhaps Insignificant
well, i started an instagram account. if you want to, feel free to tag me, just remember my favorite button is the block button, and that i will gladly block hundreds of people if necessary. i want to be anonymous, and the only reason i'm making an instagram is because my friend is going to be in it with me, and because, well, i want to, i feel like i want people to really read my blog, not just the few people who read it now. i will remain anonymous, and my friend is NOT to be bothered as to my identity, all i want is some more readers, good ones who care to read my random ramblings, and can acknowledge the existence of this site in it's "not 100% non-fiction capacity" (i put that in quotes so you know it's a full phrase and goes together), and believe me, now, i know that some things like this can go sour and start cult shit, and i want to say this: so help me god, if you make a cult out of this, you are an idiot, and a total prick, and a weirdo for it, i mean come on! a cult? really? jesus fuck, if Immortal gods, the real ones that exist in my world wanted to be worshipped, they'd say so, and tell you Mortals, if they wanted to be prayed to, they'd actually give you some sort of guidelines, and have it have much more credibility than the bible, which has been around so long, that there could be 2,000 words wrong from the multiple translations of the text, not to say that christianity is bad or anything, you can go ahead and follow it, it's certainly better than making some stupid cult out of what i tell you on here, but still, you shouldn't believe everything, and you certainly should NOT believe the word of some random mystery chick on the internet for your religion, or anything, because again, everything i say may or may not be truth, or it might all be truth, or all lies, its's up to you to decide if you want to follow it as truth, or as some cool fiction story that i write in the form of a blog, as if it's come sort of, idk, weird hobby or whatever. also, i feel like i should mention this since i'm going public: i'm over the age of majority (meaning not a minor/child) in my region, just so we're all clear on this, at least in this Mortal body, in Immortal life i am beyond far over it lol, but anyways, yeah. see you in my next entry. also, if you want, the instagram username for my blog account is @akasi.sudama
5-24-2021 - 03:42
#1 - A Matter of Trust
you see i added the "#1" now, i'm going to start doing that from now on, numbering my entries. i won't go back and add the numbers on my old entries, because you might not know what else i changed, if anything, so i'm going to leave them alone, as a show of trust in anonymity to my readers, if any. also, any modifiers, like "OA" for "other Alter" or anything like that will go next to the time and date, on that line, and next to the number, you may see the title. i'm going to do that now as well, add a title, either before or after the entry, or as i write it, something, but it'll be there when i post the entry. i umm, i don't know how to put this, i guess i'll go collect my thoughts to some music while i think of the words, then make a new entry for it. so, see you in my next entry i guess.
5-18-2021 - 21:32
well, i have switched all my devices to military time, so that's what it's gonna be now, also, i'm sorry for not making any entries lately, i've been really overwhelmed and anxious.
5-7-2021 - 10:15 AM - OA
hey, i'm [50.52;54;50.51;50.52;49.51;57] writing this. Akasi has been pretty upset, so yeah, she can explain it
5-6-2021 - 10:30 PM
well, met a girl today, and her name is [49.49;49.48;49.55;56;54;56;50.53;52], and she does tiktok actually, so that's cool : ) umm, she's super sweet, taken, but still, we're gonna see where it goes because apparently friends with benefits is ok, so that's good : ). anyways, i'm gonna go and uhhhhh, have some fun bc i'm lowkey horny lmfao
4-30-2021 - 12:15 AM
well, my girlfriend said i was dishonorable so i took her into a fighting ring to fight, open hand, hand to hand only, as it's how Zukartians settle matters of honor, and so i pretty well beat the shit out of her, and then my Immortal wife, [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54], came in and took care of her, and yelled at me and i realized something: i have had so many pent up emotions that i've been hard on my Immortal daughter (one of 3), my S/O's, and every Immortal and person around me because i have had so many pent up emotions, and i just- i've been a shit woman, girlfriend, wife, and mother, and friend, and sister, and i just- i honestly don't know how to fix this. i teleported my Immortal wife and GF away, made a letter to my 2 GF's, and wife, which had enclosed divorce papers, so all [56;54;50.51;50.52;49.48;49.55;49.52;49.57;54] has to do is sign, and we're done, so she has that option, and i left the three of them the option to never see me again, and a good few other things, so yeah, they have the option to get away from me if they feel i'm doing a lot wrong. i always see these things about abuse and shit online, and hear stories about being unable to get away, and having had [51.49;50.52;54] do the same, and plenty of other things, i know that if nothing else, making sure the people i might be hurting to the point that they're really hurt like that, and in that way, that they have clear ways out, and options for it, and that i make those chances abundantly, and indefinitely available, so they'll know it's an option. i sure as hell have done a lot of damage this time, and yes, my GF did insult me pretty heavily, and it's something i was already worked up about (shitty Mortal from Xbox), so yeah, i was already mad, and told her to go away because i didn't want to lash out at her, but she still did it and did pull a gun on me, but still, i fought her, and beat the living shit out of her in the standard way that all Zukartians do with matters of Honor, but still, i just- i know i fucked up, i just want them to forgive me...........
4-27-2021 - 9:51 AM
welp, just took my first estrogen pill, and got back from bloodwork, so yay me! : ) anyways, yeah, i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )
4-26-2021 - 5:10 PM
god healthy relationships are hard. a friend of mine opened up to something awful happening to her, something that happened to me as well, and i just- i helped her, but then i realized, i'm only bringing her down this dark path, and i'm only going to hurt her if i try and stay by her side, and i told her this, and that she should distance herself from me, even though i'm crying because i care for her so much, but i can see that she's better off without me by her side, and only as a friend, but not a close friend. i can only hope the domino effect is kind to her from this moment, even if she ends up blocking me or leaving me, i just hope that she has a good life from here on out. honestly i think it would be better if i just left her entirely, let her live her life, free from me, god knows i've hurt her enough........ honestly i should just stop screwing with people's lives, stop having these personal attachments in this Mortal world, because i am so, so dark, and evil, i honestly should just stop, because i've caused so many people pain, and i just- it's not fair, or right.......... to that friend, you know who you are, i know i should leave you, i really do, but i won't, because i know the pain of me disappearing would be so much for you, and i need to slowly let you fall out of contact, that way you know i care for you, but i still leave your life, and stop messing with it, and you, and hurting you, and it. anyways, i'm going to see y'all in my next entry, whoever reads this
4-26-2021 - 11:14 AM
well, i was re reading a certain sex RP, and looking at some pictures that person sent me (they gave me permission to download and shit, and was all 100% consentual, and we're in the same age range, don't worry folks), and i started thinking and i realized i was starting to think about certain things about them which is exactly what i kept doing that kept hurting our friendship and shit, and i just- ugh, it's so fucking annoying because i get toxically obsessive, and i obsess over that person and i nag them and shit and annoy them, and being completely honest, if i didn't respect them blocking me or asking to stop, it'd be harassment (i do respect block buttons, and i do stop if they ask of course, so no, i'm not doing anything illegal, i'm just saying if i took it further it would be that), and so i just- it's so fucking annoying how i get like this and think like this no matter how hard i try. i'm working on it though, and it has happened a lot less, but it's still so annoying to me that i get like this. anyways, i'm gonna go and see y'all in my next entry, i just had to vent this.
4-26-2021 - 10:22 AM
welp, got chapter 2 of my first book done, so that's good, i also got some account shit set up with 2FA on some extraneous accounts of mine, so even better security on those, so yeah, anyways, see you in my next entry
4-26-2021 - 8:34 AM
well, it appears i forgot to bleep [49.54;54;50.53]'s name yesterday, but hey, it's not her real name anyways, and she's not someone who you could identify me via, so yay, i'm still covered and am protected. and hey, it's the first name slip up i've had since the time i made this blog, so that's great. anyways, ummmm, i'm feeling pretty good, not great, or good, but pretty good, and not meh, so that's good i guess? god the amount of times i said "good" in that sentence is cringy, ugh, anyways, ummm, yeah, i think that's about it. see you in my next entry i guess
4-25-2021 - 5:02 PM
welp, i'm back in contact with [49.54;54;50.53], she and i are taking it slow, and it's been nice, i missed her. anyways, i'm talking with her rn, so see you in my next entry : )
4-25-2021 - 10:59 AM
welp, since i plan on maybe making some books and such with google and stuff, and in general using my alias as a sort of "stage name" for more than this blog, and whatever else i may publish to the world, i made a fresh google account, totally fresh, with a non-personal email, so yeah, now the site here is owned by my other email, along with my unfinished books and such, so i can work on them in a separate space, for only truth, because as i have said, all this is real, and serious, and true, it's just whether you choose to believe it or not, which i really don't care either way, but i do appreciate any and all who read this site, and i might start publishing some books in the google play store soon, starting out short, and slowly getting longer, but i'll be sure to send the share links here for y'all, and maybe include some excerpts from them here, idk, but yeah, now i got all this into a separate, public email and account and shit, separate from my main, personal email and accounts. anyways, i'm gonna go get writing, see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )
4-24-2021 - 1:16 AM
well, i woke up, found out something had killed everyone i was sleeping with in my room while i was asleep, and then dealt with that fucker and his master who wanted me dead, and then found out that my dinner is something i don't like, and was mildly disgusting, and it was takeout, so that's like $20 wasted, and i can't get anything else. this is why i wish we'd decide dinner early in the morning, or that my parents listen to me when i say "this wasn't great" or notice i don't finish something or even consider coming back to it, ugh, anyways, so that was nice, oh, and to top it off i found out an ex friend is on a messaging app i use, so i messaged her to apologize and to remind her to block me because when we last parted she was a bit of a bitch, granted i was a mess and fucked up myself, but she said she'd never leave and could handle me and all that, so yeah, she went back on her word, or lied, either way, i don't care. i offered her to be friends again if she wants it and if not then to enjoy blocking me and enjoy her life from here on out, so if nothing else i've gotten closure for what i did wrong, and apologized, and i don't owe her anything. i've apologized, and offered to be friends, and told her to block me if she doesn't want that, so i guess we'll see what she says, idk though. i'm also mildly annoyed with her still, but if she apologizes then i'd be fine, and i'd say that's an amicable split, but if not then my opinion of her will be unchanged, and if she wants to be friends, i'll probably ask for an apology because when i brought what she said about being ok and stuff up she just didn't care, so we'll see, but anyways, if nothing else i've gotten closure, and will know where she stands. ok, so i took a 30 second break to send her a message wishing her well, which is fair, and honestly, i'm still annoyed, but as long as she doesn't act worse or rude or mean or whatever again, i'm just ready to put this behind me and have her keep me in mind if she needs a favor or something, idk, honestly i'm just too sick of old grudges to care, besides, i got what i want in life, time to say fuck it to all my past, and a good portion of things, because i got what i want, i'm happy, and i'm moving on. i am still hurt by her, but it's whatever, just add it to the list of scars i have, and hey, if she wants to be friends again, and her life has improved like mine and we can actually have a healthy relationship as friends (or at least relatively healthy), then great, but i will want an apology, as i've said, idk, a lot of this is repeating myself, so sorry for that, but yeah, anyways, i'll see you in my next entry.
4-23-2021 - 9:33 AM
gotta love meeting people on discord who are lowkey pervy, and the worse part? this person is a child, their age range role is younger than me. i won't be surprised if later in life they're in jail at this rate.
4-22-2021 - 11:14 PM
well, i just woke up, and i just- i'm still in shock because i finally got here, idk, i'm happy thought, just still processing it all. honestly i never thought i'd have gotten here. i'm gonna go play video games, see you in my next entry : )
4-22-2021 - 12:58 PM
so, today was my HRT appointment, hormone replacement therapy, you know, the one where i could get a yes or no to going MTF in this Mortal body, yeah, well, that was today, and i just got home, and, well, THEY SAID YES, EEEEE!!!!!! i'm so excited, all i need to do is get bloodwork done (draw blood for testing and shit) before i take the estrogen and testosterone blocker, but after that, i'm good to go : ) honestly i'm exhausted, and honestly kinda want to sleep on this, i'm looking forward to not having any chance nightmares, triggers, or anything like that because for the first time in a long time i'm going to sleep happy : ) also, to be clear, i pretty often, typically every week to every other week i have a nightmare, or trigger, or something that upsets me before, during, or after i sleep, like in that time period of sleep and getting to sleep and waking up and stuff, so yeah
4-21-2021 - 8:16 AM - OA
hi, i'm another Alter writing this entry, and my name is [50.52;54;50.51;54;49.51] : ). i also added "OA" for "other Alter", for sorting, bc i think Akasi was going to do something like that. so, ummm, to start off, i'm worried about Akasi, god, it's so weird calling her that because i know her by her real name of course, not her Akasi Sudama Alias, and it's so odd calling her by that Alias, idk, but i'll get used to it whilst writing in this site. anyways, so, i'm worried about Akasi, and it's because we have an appointment tomorrow, HRT, going trans, on this Mortal body of course bc in our Immortal form we could shift and change genders in like half a second, but anyways, so we have that appointment tomorrow, and i feel like Akasi is worried it's going to end badly? idk, maybe she wrote about it here, hold on, lemme scroll a bit- ok, wow, yeah, umm, she's- i did not realize how much pain she's in, i- wow, i wish she'd come to me more for help, i guess at least she goes to her siblings and Girlfriends, and Wife (all Immortal ones) if she doesn't come to me, i just wish she'd come to me more, or the other Alter, [50.49;49.52;50.52;49.51;54], speaking of, idk where [50.49;49.52;50.52;49.51;54] has been for a while, idk, she's been hiding i guess? idk, i know i'm a new Alter, i don't want her to feel "replaced", it's simply bc my personality is more what Akasi likes, it's not [50.49;49.52;50.52;49.51;54]'s fault, she's an amazing in her own way, idk, i- oh no, i hope she didn't go into a coma from something, i- i better go check on her, i'll be back, one sec- ok, one quick trip to the Inner World later, and she's fine, all good, just sad and hiding in her room, but i cheered her up, and got her to go help Akasi : ) anyways, we have a friend texting us right now, so i'm gonna go, bye bye : )
4-17-2021 - 11:45 PM
well, sorry for the late entry, and well, firstly,t o cover open ends from the last entry quickly: [54;49.55;52] and i are back together, surprisingly, i'm just wishing she'd be closer now, the distance is just- it hurts tbh, i just wish she were closer, like- idk, it hurts is all, and it's hard, but yeah, we'll see how it goes i guess. anyways, time to cover what i wanted to say in this entry now. so, remember that HRT appointment i was telling you about? well it's on the 22nd, april 22nd, as in 5 days from now, and i am absolutely terrified, and no not of going out, or of covid, or any of that bullshit, it's of them saying i can't transition for whatever reason, because i know i can not live like this, i can not live like this, in this body, not anymore, and i have nearly killed myself multiple times because i hate this body, and since i finally got the appointment, i've been building a will to live, i mean hell, i'm currently over 1 month clean from self harm, i am actually looking forward to my 18th birthday as something to look forward to and a part of my future, and not a "dead by this date" thing because that's how i used to see it, i was 100% sure i was going to be dead by, or before my 18th birthday, and now, having that coming up so soon, i mean, it's just- it's hard to believe that i made it this far, and i always said that if i can go trans, i won't kill myself, and i have said that if i can't go trans, i'll wait until after my 18th birthday to kms to see if the party gives me any reason to live, and i am so terrified of them saying no that i am thinking about where the pieces to my dad's shotgun are, and where he might hide the ammunition, just so i can kill myself when i get home, because i feel like on the outside, i'm ok, i can fake it, and i can pass as feminine, and come off as feminine, and that's ok for now, to keep me alive, it's good enough, but honestly- i'm just so hurt and broken inside and i feel like this darkness, this self hatred, gender dysphoria, every other shit emotion i've bottled up over the years, all the trauma, all the pain, all the bullies, and everything else, i feel all of it inside me and i honestly feel like i am so, so hurt and so, so broken inside, and i'm cracked, moments from shattering, and if they say i can't go trans, or my parents say no, i'm going to shatter, my DID will spiral out of control making Alters, and that's even in the hours before i get home to where i can kill myself finally, and end it all, so i don't have to live like this anymore, because i am so broken, and hurt, and honestly, it's worrying me that maybe my new chair (gaming chair, early birthday present, i'll revisit this) is a waste of money because i'm going to kill myself in 5 days anyhow, and i just- i feel so upset and hurt and i know that i already have to lie to get to go trans, i have to lie to the doctors because of stupid laws and shit and other crap (long story, i'll leave this out), and i just- i know that if i can't go trans i will kill myself, and if they say no then i can't just say "i'm going to kms" and run out of the office, that'll land me in the hospital, fucking locked up, which will only drive me insane until i jump out the window and keep attempting to kill myself, and so i know that won't work, and i highly doubt that if i tell them that if i can't transition i'm going to kill myself they're gonna take that well either, and i just- i don't see a surefire way out of this, to get what i want, and it terrifies me. normally i see a clear domino effect, all the dominos lined up, all separating off to different paths i could take, splitting off in every random moment, and it's so clear which paths to take, and now? i don't see that, and it terrifies me because i know i am going to kill myself if i do not go trans, i know i will do it, and i know that i will not let anyone stop me, even if i have to kill or incapacitate someone to get them to let me kill myself, i really don't care at all, and i just- i know how desperate i will be and i already feel that fight or flight reaction coming, and it terrifies me because once that takes over, logic, that goes out the window, and i'll do whatever it takes to get what i want or kill myself, and i just- it's terrifying, and it feels like every scrap of this tiny will to live i have built is about to be ripped away for 0 good reason, other than some doctor being a bitch, and i just don't want my efforts to be a waste, i mean, that's 2 years of my life i have kept myself from killing myself, just with the hope of going trans one day maybe, and then i got the appointment, and it was only patience and what to do in the meantime, and i finally am 5 days away, and i know that this will be great, and everything will continue as i planned, or go horribly wrong, and i'll be coming home to kms, because i will be so broken and hurt and i just- i can't fucking do it, and honestly, nobody can save me if they say no. now, if they say that it would be easier on the paperwork if i came back after i was 18 for the first appointment, and to just wait a few weeks while they get stuff in order, then i am all for it, even if it takes a month, i can wait that long as long as it's just waiting, then green light, not waiting and then yellow light to check and see and have another chance for them to say no, that's all that matters to me, is getting a definitive "yes Akasi, you can go trans, you're fine, it's gonna be okay, you can live life how you were meant to and put all this horrible stuff from this part of your life behind you", that is what i want to hear, and have it be truthful, that is all i care about, i just want to go trans, hell, even if i have to sell every last thing i got for my birthday, even this chair, just to pay for going trans, i really do not care, as long as i can go trans because i am that desperate and broken and i know how much i will internally die if i don't go trans, and then externally because i know i'll kms, so yeah.......... i'm just super anxious and in a lot of emotional, and mental pain, and anguish right now and i just- it hurts like hell, and i am just so upset and afraid and i just- you know what it reminds me of? when i was scheduled for interrogation and torture resistance "lessons" with [51.49;50.52;54], and i had to wait in dread, wondering what he'd do to me, that's how bad this is, and if i'm comparing something to [51.49;50.52;54] trauma and shit from when i was his second in command (something i never, ever do) then you know that it is seriously fucked up and awful, and almost too hard for me to bear. honestly, i kinda want to cut right now, just to take my mind off going trans or not, so i can focus on the pain........ but i'm over a month clean so i'll hold off on that idea until i'm truly mentally shattered. you know, to take some stress off, i could take a leave of absence in the Inner World? i don't think the other Alters will mind, hell i think they'd be happy to take control for that long. you know what, that's what i'm gonna do, i'm gonna let the other Alters come into control, and have them deal with life until the appointment. well, i'm gonna go now. see you in my next entry, and if nothing else i promise to add an entry letting y'all know if i got to go trans or not, and the percent chance i kms, so if someone finds this one day, they know what happened to me, if i just disappeared, or really did kms.
4-12-2021 - 11:05 PM
well, i sent a message to [54;49.55;52] telling her about this site, the premonition, all of it, idk, i doubt it'll change anything, besides, i doubt she'll read any of this or even care, and i'm too upset to give a shit right now either, so yeah, maybe something will change, or maybe she won't even open the link and block me and ignore me, or maybe she just deleted discord and so her account is a dead account, i really don't know, i'm just too upset right now, and yeah. anyways, i'm gonna go cry myself to sleep and see if i wake up to anything other than [54;49.55;52] blocking me, and maybe a hate message from the alt account of a prick i met on Xbox today, so yeah, also, my desire to kill myself is gone, all i wanna do is cry- speaking of, i think there's a hayley kiyoko song that is called "all i wanna do is cry" and iirc it perfectly fits how i feel, so i'm gonna listen to that as i cry myself to sleep. i'll let you know and see you in my next entry i guess
4-12-2021 - 10:48 PM
well, my GF [54;49.55;52] has been offline and not replying for 4 days, and it's been 6 since we had a conversation, and the last conversation we had was when someone who wants me dead tried going after her so i had to make her act as if we were breaking up as acting, like pretend, so then the person who wanted me dead wouldn't hurt her, and it's funny, at the time "i hope she doesn't end up making this for real" like this half second thought of maybe she's going to break up with me, us, as a DID System, and yet again prove that any attempt i make to have a partner only ends within a month. again. and it's funny, she promised a video call, and broke that, and that was even before that person went after her, honestly i feel like she hates me and deleted her account or something, i don't know...... honestly i just feel like she doesn't even love me, and i get that i'm a mess right now bc everything is coming out after like 3 weeks of bottling up my emotions, but i haven't logged in to discord in a while, let alone messaged anyone, let alone [54;49.55;52] because i didn't want to see her not reply again because i was ignoring the fact that she's been gone so long, and i know we agreed to take it slow, but 6 days? really? are you kidding me? almost a week? it hurts, and i told her i'm an attention whore and that i need a lot of attention, and- i don't fucking know, it's just so annoying and it hurts- wow i just realized something, i dreamt of this months ago, this day, today, like nearly a year ago, i chocked it up to bullshit and not a premonition bc of the fact i had a long distance relationship, and of something i was dealing with in GTA 5, and because i was using a different vehicle in the game, one that i generally didn't like, and- wow, my premonitions love doing shit like this. iirc she breaks up with me, or takes a week break from being together starting today or tomorrow, so that's great, just great, wow. i should have fucking known. god i really am an idiot, i really fucking am. well, i'll see you in my next entry i guess, if i don't write here for a while though, assume i'm dead, bc i do want to kill myself currently, so yay to that, but luckily i don't have a gun, so i probably won't bc other methods are too painful to me. anyways, see you in my next entry...............
4-5-2021 - 2:04 PM
oh my god i have found 2 beautiful words that i absolutely LOVE the definitions of. Cynic: noun: cynic; plural noun: cynics; noun: Cynic; plural noun: Cynics - 1. a person who believes that people are motivated purely by self-interest rather than acting for honorable or unselfish reasons. do i believe that 99% of people don't act out of honor? yep. don't act out of selflessness? also yep. that word beautifully describes who i am in regards to my view of other people, and then the second, Pessimist: noun: pessimist; plural noun: pessimists 1. a person who tends to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen. see the worst aspect of things? look at worst case scenarios? believe the worst will happen? all yes. that word perfectly describes how i see the Domino Effect playing out from every moment i take part in, so yeah, i'm a cynical pessimist, and i can not believe it took me this many years to find 2 words that can so beautifully describe who i am, idk, it kinda amazes me. also, whilst typing this i checked up on some of the things i refer to such as the Butterfly Effect and the Ripple Effect, and idk, i always had this innate understanding of the Butterfly Effect, like i had this odd, idk, connection with it? idk, i mean even in Immortal life i always had this odd sixth sense, like i could sense if someone was following me, if i was walking into a trap, but i could also account for the causal factors of that moment, much like the "initial conditions" value in the Butterfly Effect, i could always recognize at least a few of those initial conditions, and had this odd connection with them. you know, now that i think about it, i always say that "coincidence loves to fuck me in the ass and toy with me" and such, but thinking back, it's more a matter of the Butterfly Effect, because the initial conditions to those parts of my life are very specific, and because my mind moves so fast, i can have so much sensitivity in that..... huh, it's weird because as i write this i'm thinking about it and reading about the Butterfly Effect and Chaos Theory on wikipedia, and slowly understand it even more than this old, odd, and deep connection i've had with it all my life, it's kinda weird how deeply connected to it i feel...... anyways, i need to go deep in thought, so i'm gonna go, and uhhh, see you in my next entry i guess? yeah, later
4-1-2021 - 6:40 AM
well, it seems that [54;49.55;52] ditched last night in the middle of a conversation, and a sexual roleplay at that, so i feel like i have completely and utterly fucked up and now she's just deleted discord, i mean it's not like she said she had other friends on there that she would keep the app downloaded, much easier to delete it than block me, so that's great, i feel like i might've lost her, but then again, who knows, maybe she just fell asleep in the middle, which considering what i was doing during the roleplay, if she was doing the same, i doubt she'd have fallen asleep, maybe her parents walked in or something, i don't fucking know, i just know there's a decent chance i lost her, so yeah, that's great, not, but then again, i know that everyone leaves me eventually, it was only a matter of time before [54;49.55;52] did too, but again, maybe i'm wrong, but i doubt it..........
4-1-2021 - 4:01 AM
goddamnit the time coincidence is gonna fucking kill me again, ugh, well at least 11 is my lucky number so in 10 minutes hopefully i'll have something good happen, but idk, anyways, ummmm, so, the past few days have been pretty hard too, but as of the past few hours things might be looking up, and i have my therapist this friday, so tomorrow, so that's great, ummmm, oh, yeah, and this past hour ish i've been getting to talk to our girlfriend (our bc, you know, DID system), and last night we hit a bit of a rough patch and i thought we were gonna break up just days after getting together because, well, it felt like she didn't care, but she has been doing so much better, and i feel like things are turning around. ok, i just checked my messages and she's about to send me a nude, wow, ok, i might uhh, i might end this entry off early lol, but umm, yeah, [54;49.55;52] has been so much better, and honestly, i think it's gonna go great from here on out. and, of course, no entry is complete without some negativity (can't have only good or bad), so earlier today i got really pissed off on my game, but as i said, things are getting better, so yeah, looks like things are going to be good. and she just sent me a message, and the notification is random numbers and letters.jpg, so i'm gonna see you later, and in my next entry, bye bye <3
3-30-2021 - 2:56 AM
well, fuck my life. the past few days have been just awful for me, and i just- i'm such a mess, and am so tired and out of it and i just- it's been so fucking hard for me to do anything, and i've been near dissociating because i can not process anything right now because i am so overwhelmed and hypersensitive, and just not okay. honestly i'm just glad that i haven't wanted to cut for the past few days, i think the last time i felt the urge was saturday i think when i got called by my deadname, honestly i think that's what started this downward spiral. i'm just a mess and not okay, and i wish my new GF would read this site so then she might have some clue as to what the fuck i feel, and how broken i am, and that way she knows what's going on, like if she would read it normally and constantly or something, like check it daily, idk, it would be so helpful and mean a lot to me, but then again, i doubt she'd want to, and i don't even know how she'd react if she found out about the stuff i have said here and stuff, idk. also, my GF's name is [54;49.55;52] if you care, anyways, i'm gonna go, oh, i also have a mild headache that might become a migraine because i am so overwhelmed and not okay, it's happened before. you know, i honestly think that that might be some super bad thing, like i just get a headache because i was and am so overwhelmed and not ok, and my hands are getting sore because i am typing so fast because of my anxiety, so idk, i guess it's not normal for me to have such shit mental health that i'm actually getting "sick" or having pretty noticeable physical effects, idk, maybe that's a common thing. is it? idk, i'll have to ask my therapist i guess. anyways, i'm so fucking not okay right now and it's getting worse so i'm gonna go. see you in my next entry.
3-23-1021 - 5:23 PM
well, i forgot to publish after my last entry lol, oof, sorry about that, but yeah, luckily now that urge has passed, so that's good, and hey, still clean : ) i also got a trekking pole from amazon that i can use as a bowstaff, and as a multitool and stuff, it's gonna be great. kinda like Rey from Star Wars. also, i can try making cutsom attachments for it with welding and metal if i can find some pipe that has matching threads, make my pole into a scythe with one attachment because it has a special piece that's a hefty right angle bend, which if i can get a shot bit of pipe and weld a big Reaper Scythe blade into it, and then screw it onto the staff, that's gonna be GREAT, because i am quite good with my Reaper scythe, and it's a quite effective weapon the Scythe, at least Reaper ones are, they're deadly, and hard to use, but once you get used to it and use it for long enough, it becomes an instrument of death, used in a dance of destruction that you create whilst in combat, and it is beautiful, and so, so very effective, and amazingly wonderful to use and weild it, ugh, i love it! anyways, so that's gonna be great. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry : )
3-23-2021 - 3:37 PM - attached to voice recording [AVR-1]
hey, so, just to explain, that bit about a voice recording is because i have begun recording voice memos on my phone that have a link to this page and stuff so if i die or whatever, people know where to look for information on me and whatnot, and people know what posts are linked to recordings, and in general for some sort of organizational method, which the number will signify what recording, and i will also only use the tag "avr" from now on, and may add some other tags for other reasons, you can safely disregard them if you're not searching my page for them. anyways. so yeah, on to my post/vent whatever thing
so, today, a bit ago i started feeling that familiar urge to cut, the one that nags at the back of my mind, and i started pinching myself (which i almost constantly do to "tide myself over" so to speak) much harder than usual, and then started to get anxious and ended up switching to video games, which i am playing still and have helped, but not by a ton, because i am still anxious and still want to cut myself. it's been 9 days today of clean, which i normally can go about a month, or at least i used to, i now can only make it about a week or two before it gets bad like it is now, so yeah, today hasn't been fun, and will continue to not be fun. anyways, i'll see you in my next entry, and one final note: sorry for the story-like and/or "professional" style of my words and shit here, i never liked that because it makes this page feel impersonal, or unimportant, and if someone is going to read this, i want them to feel a connection between me and them, an understanding sort of, i hope you know what i mean. anyways, see you in my next entry, hopefully.
3-18-2021 - 6:41 AM
well, i just had a now ex friend say she didn't care, and was going to leave, so fuck that, god, i keep trying with Mortals, being nice to them, being kind, being, well, not treating them like shit, and thinking maybe they'll be nice too, treat me nicely, nope, yet again, i am proven wrong, and yet again, i am shown that Mortals fucking suck, and most of them are cunts, with very few exceptions, ugh, it's fucking annoying as all shit that Mortals are like this, time and time again i am reminded that they are just shit, yet i keep trying, ugh, trying the same thing expecting the same result? god that's the definition of insanity, great, gotta fucking love it, and it's funny how i just realize this as i write this, then remember i had that same realization a forever ago, that trying to make friends again and again, trying to do things different, it's all the same, it's still trying to make friends, put in effort, and i am sick and fucking tired of putting in effort when they aren't returning half as much, i mean, hell, that now ex friend was ON MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS LIST for 2020 before i realized i didn't have enough money and covid got worse and shit hit the fan, just goes to show you how much most Mortals suck ass. now, that's not to say i hate all Mortals, i acknowledge that there are exceptions, all i am saying is that i am FUCKING DONE dealing with the shit ones, wasting effort, and having everyone pretend to care and give a shit about me, and then leave me for no fucking reason, totally out of the fucking blue. god i fucking hate this shit, ugh.
3-12-2021 - 12:04 AM
well, so, i met some people on GTA 5 and helped them out then went to another session with them, and then i was nice, and for one person they invited i made a joke, and did it in game, which involved killing some of them once, and so i did that in the game and then they removed me from the party, after i helped them, was nice to them, and tried being nice, THEY REMOVED ME AND BLOCKED ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON, like fucking christ bitch, fuck off, honestly, just what the fuck, ugh, it's fucking annoying as shit that i try being nice to Mortals and look where the fuck it gets me, like is there noone that gives a shit and can JUST BE FUCKING HONORABLE AND NICE AT VERY FUCKING LEAST, HELL, EVEN JUST HONORABLE AT THIS FUCKING POINT, GOD, for how shit this planet is, how shit Mortals are, and how fucked up their behavior is, i'm surprised this planet didn't descend into madness and chaos centuries ago, i mean for fuck sake, how in the hell do any of the Mortals on this fucking planet fucking function and have even half decent lives for how shit the majority of them are, god, the second i get out of this Mortal body, i'm ditching this planet, hell, i might just blow the fucker up, or kill some of the Mortals, well, no, i'd just kill every Mortal that wronged me in the slightest, and then move on with life and never come within a few hundred lightyears of this backwater shithole of a planet. i hate it here so fucking much, oh, and now i'm gonna block everyone i meet from now on, because fuck Mortals, so yeah, uhhh, yeah, i'm pissed. see you in my next entry and thanks for reading this rage fueled mess of an entry
3-10-2021 - 11:41 PM
well, a friend won't download stuff for no reason and i send people important stuff, and i mean it's just downloading stuff like music, photos, stuff like that i want them to download and listen to and stuff and she's not gonna do it so that hurts because i send important shit, i send- i send important shit that means a lot, and a lot of the little shit like downloading stuff i send if i don't say i don't want you to download it means a lot, like it means a lot to me i just- people have no idea how much the little stuff matters, especially compared to "big stuff" like if someone forgot my birthday, they could make up for it, easily if they knew exactly how to, even in a couple days, they'd just need to wait until i wasn't mad or upset, i just- people have no clue wtf to do with me or what things me to me and shit and it's annoying because i try and tell them and they don't get it or don't pick up on it, or something and it's just upsetting............
3-10-2021 - 9:04 PM
well, i'm listening to SugarCrash! by ElyOtto, that song that's been bouncing around tiktok lately, and yeah, idk, i just- i'm so fucking sad, for no reason too, i'm just so tired and out of it, so yeah. oh, also, i've been finding Mortals that are not the best, the usual toxic cunts that i generally hate, so that's great, oh, and- idefk, i just feel so shitty, i mean i've been more secure, like me being insecure has been lessening, so that's great, i guess. i've also been excited for my Endocrinology Appointment soon, so this Mortal body will finally be fully female, so that's great, ummmm, what else? i'm just- idk, i feel myself subconsciously being better in terms of mental health, like i notice myself being more mentally healthy, and i do like it, but i mean, i just- idk, i like it, but i also like the testing of friends so i can tell if they're fake, and on top of that i'm still a bit of a mess, and have breakdowns more, like i've been more steady more often, like i am still bipolar and do still have the mood shifts, but they change less often, and then i've also been not switching to other Alters too, and i honestly wish i could switch out and not have shit go down, i mean, i trust them, but i also don't, and i also don't trust the people in my life, so yeah, oh, and then on top of this i want a GF, i always have, but then again, who could love me, and i am getting more patient about it, like i've been less flirty and desperate, but then again, my life plans include a lot of solitude, and a lot of loneliness, so there's that, and then i'm also- idk, i'm just weird, and people say "you deserve a good GF" and shit like that to me sometimes, but then i have people mistreat me and be a cunt to me, say i'm worthless and a number of shitty things to me and all this shit, and it's like what is it? do i deserve love and good shit? do i deserve a good dominant GF? no, the general consensus says no, i don't, and that i am shit, toxic, and a horrible person that deserves nothing and all this. oh, also, i've been thinking lately and for some reason i'm actually able to see the side and opinion of fucking conservative christians now, and all that shit, so yeah, that's a bit- confusing that i can fucking see their side and see that shit and stuff and actually respect them, idk if it's me becoming more "mature" or more tolerant bc of this planet and the shitty Mortals that populate it, or if it's the factor of i'm getting older and this is an Immortal thing, idek, i'm just confused as shit on that part. and before any of you say "oh you're confused on your gender" i am female, i know that, i am not male, and even typing that makes me shudder, trust me, i've been thinking of what to say to the endocrinologist if she says i can't go trans for whatever stupid reason, i've been having this play out in my head and it's a lot of drastic shit i could say, but yeah, so i've been really anxious about that too. and regarding you saying something about me or whatever, i know none of you have a way of contacting me if anyone even reads this site (i doubt it), but yeah, so i acknowledge that, but idk, still, i act as if you do sometimes and speak like it too, idk, i'm just confusing and a mess right now because i have so many emotions right now. i'm just a mess. you know what would be really funny is if someone actually started reading this lmfao, or maybe i send this site to someone and they actually read it and say that they have a crush on me lmfao, that would be hilarious, but again, that's a fantasy and a "best case scenario", oh, also, i learned something about myself recently, see, i like this planet in a way, i love Mortal entertainment, like Netflix? great, love it, honestly i kinda forgot how much Immortal life is video games and shit and not just TV shows and Movies, like TV Shows and Movies are practically nonexistent in Immortal life, and most of them are a few hundred thousand years old at least, at least the known ones, most of them as a whole are a few hundred million years old at least, if not more than a billion, so yeah, anyways, what i learned about myself is i like to live as if i'm in a movie, like Mortal entertainment, like the drama, the conflict, the tropes, the cameos, the clichés, all of it, i love it, i just want to live a life where it's as if i live in a movie with all that, so idk, maybe that makes me a "theater kid"? idk what a theater kid even is, so yeah, but idk, it's weird, oh, and then if i could get a GF that's like that or would tolerate and put up with that? i would love that so much, but again, who could love me, nobody, so yeah, idk, again, i'm just a mess, oh, and on top of this i got yelled at for my inability to communicate earlier on reddit, so fuck using that platform, deleted all posts and good riddance, fuck that, honestly. idek what else i was gonna say, but it's whatever, anyways, i'm kinda out of thoughts and shit to write, so yeah, i'll see you in my next entry
3-6-2021 - 3:23 PM
well, that girl is now gone, wouldn't even fucking try anymore. fucking hell, this only proves i should just not keep Mortals around anymore. i'll see you in my next entry.
3-6-2021 - 2:31 PM
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THE SAME TIME AS YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god i'm gonna fucking kill someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh, anyways, so, update: i will now be blocking anyone and everyone i interact with after i meet them unless they show that they're a great person and i won't block them or have them leave me, and i am officially done with fake friends, and most friends in general, oh, and that bitch, [49.53;49.48;50.52;50.52], from my last entry? you guessed it, left me for TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING AND ASK HER ABOUT SOMETHING INSTEAD OF ASSUMING, like what the fuck?!?? ugh, i'm so fucking done with fake friends and shit, and so i'm gonna be pretty hurt, but you know what, i don't care, or give a shit, at least this way people will fuck off more often and leave me alone, oh, and they need to accept the Immortal shit which now i am gonna be 100% open about, they have an issue? remove and block. they think i'm joking? i say i'm not, and they don't believe me? remove and block. i'm gonna abuse the shit out of the block button because i really do not care at this point, i really fucking don't, and am tired of this fake friend bullshit. call it "Nomadic Friendships", because i never keep someone as a friend at all. and as i type this a friend messages, so yeah, i'll be back for another entry shortly, or tomorrow, depends on how this goes. ciao.
3-5-2021 - 2:31 PM
finally a time that isn't perfect, god, took me lone enough lol, anyways, ok, so, there's this girl, i just met her, and like, OMFG, why does this girl have to be straighttttttttttttt *whines* ugh, why, like her personality is adorable, she can talk a lot, but also let others speak, and just- gah!! why, ugh, i wish that she hadn't gone through the "questioning your sexuality phase" that some people go through, and that i was like the first gay girl she ever met, and could treat her great, and then she'd realize she was lesbian so i could date her, but like, no, that's a bit, idk, weird? (yes i know this is like the "i can turn you straight" shit men say, but like, in this scenario that i explained it wouldn't be that odd, it probably happens a lot, and i just wish i could date her, ugh) but like seriously, if this girl was gay i would lowkey simp for the first time in this Mortal life, like omfg, why do the best girls have to be straight? like wtf. anyways, also her name is [49.53;49.48;50.52;50.52] in case you're wondering, and i had to fucking encode the first letter for the first fucking time bc nobody else has that letter in their name, ugh, but yeah, as i said, i would simp for this girl, so like, you know, i'm gonna add her name, of course, anyways, see you in my next entry
3-5-2021 - 11:08 AM
well, my jaw hurts more now, even after taking a fucking advil, so yay, fuck me, god i need some Immortal alcohol at this point because fucking hell, this goddamn jaw
3-5-2021 - 10:41 AM
sorry for cutting that last entry off, got sucked into Discord, anyways, yeah
3-5-2021 - 10:30 AM
can the time STP BEING SO FUCKING EXACTLY ON A COMMON OR NORMAL TIME, like god, it's getting annoying at this point, like wtf, anyways, my jaw hurts like hell bc i was chewing at my lip and such because, you know, pain, self harm and all, oh, and i cut last night, so that's fun, not.
3-4-2021 - 12:38 PM
wow, 30 minutes later, this is getting annoying, and see, i have an ability called Adaptation, where i can pick up and get abilities, adapt to be a better person, more survivable, basically like how animals adapt through generations, but i can do it in seconds, but the con is i pick up mental disorders sometimes, like currently i'm on Psychopathy, yeah, met a guy with Psychopathy, and now i'm acting like him, yay. ugh, this kinda sucks, bc this is one disorder i sort of have in the dark half of my duality, except with that i have self control and am not impulsive, so yeah, ugh, anyways, ummmmmmm. idk what else to say or type or do, umm, yeah, bye for now i guess
3-4-2021 - 12:08 PM
i'm sorry for not continuing the story in this entry like i said i would, but yeah, too bad, no offense, well, if you're reading this you probably aren't very happy with me anyways, or, well, i don't really care, i care that you read, i just- ugh, i'm dissociating right now, and something someone said earlier has been nagging at he back of my head, and kinda getting to me. this guy said "you are who you are, if you don't like it, kill yourself" and i just- i've thought about suicide so much, and i know i hate myself, and i know i think stupid and irrational thoughts, and i know i only really want a girlfriend right now to keep me company and to make me feel loved, i don't necessarily want to love them back or do the same for them, i mean- i know if i got into a relationship i'd be a shit partner, i know that with all my mental baggage, all my thoughts, feelings, all of it, that i would be shitty and that they'd leave me like everyone else, and i know that long distance won't work too well because, well, it never does, and even then, there are so many things that Immortals can sense when it comes to me, that others can't sense, they just can't, and picking up on it? that's hard, and i'm also hypersensitive when it comes to wording things, like in the netflix show i was watching, it's called Ginny and Georgia, and Ginny wanted to sleep after a long and upsetting night, and Georgia said "that's fair" like what? no, because that implies that there's a situation where it isn't fair, like wtf? and it's that kind of stuff that i would break up with them over if they kept doing it, like i'm shit at communication and rely on the other person to communicate well so i can work off it you know? like they be the foundation of communication, and i'll work off that, but i just- idk, it's hard, and i've gotta help my father (Mortal one), and so i'll be back, also, i'll continue regarding him and this situation later, but yeah, bye for now, i guess.
3-3-2021 - 7:30 AM
wow, right at 25 minutes later lol, well, anyways, i added more to the warning and such, and also, i never told you why the Bounty Hunting system was added, and it's a very interesting story, so let me tell it:
see, a long time ago, a very violent person, Thairmet, the leader of the first super violent cartel, Rakan's Blood, killed a few hundred people and destroyed their souls on the planet Zilkan, in the Nation of Zukartia, and so the police tracked them and mounted a full invasion of their planet and system side by side with the military and such, lots of shit, and they were annihilated, only 5% of their forces even got to land, and even then, they were killed nearly instantly, simply because they were dragged into a trap, and the cartel had so, so so many weapons that we had severely underestimated their weaponry, so much so we sent lesser classed ships, only to find out that they were moths, and their planet was a flamethrower. the government wanted the law enforcement's souls back by law, because it was law to return the souls of law enforcement, and that was a widely accepted law, except the cartel and Thairmet refused, so they looked for anything they could do and found a ton of stuff wrong with their Cartel that they were going to go after, and then they did it, they made the case, got the evidence, all of it, and they ended up in a neutral-space court, and they were going super well, and it looked like they were 90% guaranteed to win against the cartel, but you see, it was their own system, they governed it and had their own constitution and stuff, all that, so they had the rights to refuse that law as they never signed a treaty, and the Nation of Zukarta brought out the ace up their sleeve, the fact that their military shot first with no warning, which violated multiple war crimes and multiple rules of engagement, the court gasped, hell, i was there, i was an aid for Zukartia, and was helping in the court, but then Thairmet said "yes, but, they came in weapons hot, they were ready to fire, and coming in hot" and showed records of the fact that they had weapons ready and that there was no time for warnings, and so things were a bit neutral, and they had no rules, laws, regulations, or anything that they broke or violated, and Zukarta was sunk, we had a tough day that day, and i figured it was going to be adjourned with nothing happening and we'd start a war due to this, but then Thairmet said "please, before we adjourn, and leave this matter concluded, i have something i would like to add" and he pulled out a copy of the Zukartian Constitution, full scroll style, 20 feet long from top to bottom and a full foot wide, full writing, complete, with all imperfections, an Alpha Class copy of the original, which is the highest that can be made, which is 3 classes higher than what is acceptable in court dealings, hell, it was even sealed with a Zukartian official's seal, all 100% legit and then some, and i knew this was something big. so, he opened it up to the section about law enforcement souls and is said "the souls of law enforcement shall be returned to the government from which they are loyal to, so long as they are killed within their jurisdiction", and that was the end of it, see, we had filed a war crime proceeding against their cartel and, well, since they had a constitution, nation, on the basis that the souls of those law enforcement members souls should be returned via law, and that was the sole reason we began this fight, but you see, that reason was invalid, and so, it was immediately on us for blame, because we began a proceeding of such weight that we were going to be in serious trouble for all this, hell, they would have thr grounds for a war and by our codes of honor, get a lot of shit from us, and so, i knew i had to act fast once this court had began break, which was about to begin, and so i whispered i the General Usan's ear, and said "General, you know my service record, you know i specialized in espionage, counter espionage, terrorism, and counter terrorism, have hundreds of thusands of years of service, and am trained and authorized to use almost every vehicle in the Zukartian Armed Forces, including ones in R&D still, and have done countless ops, missions, and participated in numerous conflicts across this instance, and so i urge you to please, let me deal with this threat to our government, and do it swiftly" and he looked at me like i was insane and said "in something this delicate? hell no!" in a harsh whisper, but i said "but sir, if you would please allow me-" and he cut me off and said "no! for your insolence, you're fired, get out of here!" and i knew that this meant yes, and to shift into one of my many aliases, of which i had hundreds from my service record, and he would make the arrangements to remove me from their records and such, so that if i failed, Zukartia had no blame or anything, because i was a rogue element, and so, i made my way through the building, shifting my features ever so slightly with every doorway, so as to confuse and avoid detection of memorization or the ability to track me via security cameras, and so, i was fully shifted 15 identities later, and made my way to the room for the Rakan's Blood cartel, one they had rented, across the street, in the hotel, and so, i went in, asked to join, passed with good colors to earn me a good rank, but not enough to raise suspicion, and i was in, i had my cover, and they suspected nothing.
i shall continue this story later, for now, i'm gonna go and i'll talk later
3-3-2021 - 7:05 AM
well, it's been a while, and i've been pretty upset lately, so fuck that, emotions are just fantastic, not. anyways, ummm, oh, yeah, i will be updating the warning and info on my home page to better reflect some things, and i'll write another entry covering that after i edit it
2-7-2021 - 1:00 AM
welp, yet another long break from posting here, honestly i kinda forgot my site existed (sorry), but yeah, ummm, yeah, anyways, ummmm, idk what to write to be honest, it's been a lot lately, flashbacks and trauma have been fun lately, i've been spending most of my time sleeping and trying to get attention, even though i've been getting almost no attention, especially not from [56;49.51;49.48;52;49.48;49.57;49.57;49.48], so that's been, well, mildly upsetting, but she's been spending time with her GF, and even though she read all of this, i doubt she reads it anymore, i mean why would she, she has no reason to, hell, i don't even know if she cares, or anyone for that matter....... idk, it's just been hard and upsetting lately, and i've been sad and depressed and shit, and just in general very much not okay because i'm just- idk, upset, idk, my androphobia has been getting much worse, especially with how much the flashbacks have been happening, so now i honestly can only tolerate men on Xbox, and even then, it's only in the dark half of my duality, and i've been blocking people way more, just not giving as many second chances, and in general just caring about stuff less because i honestly can't care about others if i don't care about myself, and i'm just tired, i'm just sick and tired, of Mortal life, of this Mortal body, of everything, and i hate it, it sucks, and i've been recently thinking about how much we sleep and stuff, so let's say we sleep 10 hours, that leaves 14 hours of the day awake. showering and getting ready takes about an hour we'll call it, daily, then add an hour of commuting (average to account for traffic and stuff), then we'll say you work from 9-5, so that's 8 hour days, but we live in a capitalist society so we'll call it 10 hours, and then add an hour for breakfast and dinner (which i didn't include earlier), so that's a total of 10 hours for work, an hour of commuting, an hour for getting ready and all that shit, and that totals 10+1+1, which is 12, and we have 14 hours of the day awake, so we have 2 hours every day to do what we want, and that's being generous, when most people end up commuting longer, have longer shifts, and all that, and then let's add the weekends, so we keep the meal and other calculations, so 2 hours of required shit, so 12 hours each weekend day, so 24 hours on a whole weekend, then add the 2 hours from each of the 5 days for 10 hours, so we get 34 hours of whatever we want every week, and is that comperable to 70 hour weeks? no, it's fucking not, we work more than double of how much we have fun, and it's no wonder that depression and all this stuff is occurring more and more, then add how shit some of these jobs are and that some people working this amount of time can't even pay for a house, and food? wtf?!?!?! no, this is not fucking ok, whereas in Immortal life, there are so many ways to get lots of money easily, like homeless rates are literally nonexistent, and any city that does that calculation is doing it for bragging rights that they have 0, and it's who has the freshest data, so it's a competition to keep 0 people homeless, and even then, a lot of systems have programs to pay for food, housing, etc, all for free, it's not high quality shit, but it is free, idk, Mortal life is just so much better because the rich are rich in the sense that they have power and deserve more respect than other Immortals because of that power, that status, not because of money, it's about rank, status, it's not about your net worth, it's about what you've done, like "do you own a large conglomerate that has made hundreds of vaccines that saves lives daily? no? oh, well, then i guess i'm more of a people's aid person than you" (people's aid being the Immortal equivalent of "humanitarian"), and so, it's a competition of who can do the most good, and it's competition that us rich folk never really think matters if it's one or two vaccines, but that competition? that is great because it benefits everyone, including the people who need those vaccines, so it's just ridiculous how us Immortal elite banter versus Mortal elite, like idgaf about how much money you have, idgaf about what cars you own, i do not care, now, you own and fund a company that has made 5 life saving vaccines and a subsidiary that has made transport of those vaccines 70% more efficient? hell yeah, i'm gonna give you a bow of respect and call for a round of applause, it's just so much different in Immortal life, and it's so much better, idk, people always say that Mortals' advantage or better qualities is that they have more compassion and stuff like that, but they also have much more nepotism, much more selfishness, and it's just so- it's such bullshit, now, you see, Mr. Beast donating shit loads of money? that's a step in the right direction, but money can't solve everything, he wants to really help, i say he buys a vaccine company and gets the best people in there to make the best vaccines, gets a humanitarian relief organization and works with the US government to give foreign aid all over the world, if he does those things i am gonna give him some of the highest respect possible, and i will hold him to esteem and consider him the best role model for any Mortal, but as of now he's doing what he thinks is best. now, see, i know that competition in terms of who can be a good person better seems like something that is selfish to you Mortals, but it encourages you to be a shifter term "Ikatsi" or as it means in english "Selfless to be Selfish", it's the opposite of "Seltaki" which means "Selfish to be Selfless" but it's selflessness of helping the world like this, to be selfish and banter amongst others like you, and that causes good, that competition if healthy, probably one of the most healthy, and it really, really helps people, and would really help this world turn it around, but again, this world is so broken, and i say things like this, and try to have hope, but then i remember how fucked it is and give up, but yeah, that's how it is in Immortal life, anyways, now i feel a wave of sadness coming on (bipolar is fun) so i'm gonna end off here, so yeah, see you in my next entry
1-29-2021 - 8:55 AM
well, i tried opening up, dropping my mask for the first time in, hell, i don't know how long, and the girl from my last post brought up her mental health issues, and that she needs to deal with hers, which honestly i don't know why i let myself catch feelings, let myself start loving her, i mean, hell, she's taken, and she's not going to be able to provide me with the support i need, so what's the point? seriously, what is it? none, i give up, i am just fucking done. honestly the only reason i don't kms here and now is because i have an endocrinology appointment, meaning i can try going trans finally, but if that fails then i'll post here and it'll be my last post because i'll be a dead girl because i'll kms. it's impossible to find someone i can love who is available in that way, has the same values i have, isn't taken, is lesbian, and actually might like me, so yeah, i give up...............
1-28-2021 - 3:20 AM
"the ones we wait for are the ones we like, however, the ones we have patience for, are the ones we love" -Yukanta Ilgeti, a Shifter who was a "rights for everyone" activist
well, a friend of mine and i have been playing games for, idk, at least 6 hours now, and i luv her to bits, i mean, she's just so sweet, and adorable, and nice, and luving, and just absolutely wonderful, and i honestly fell for her the day we met, and i know that love at first sight crap is cheesy as hell, and even i'm not sure because it's been a whirlwind, i mean, idk, she just makes me feel so much, and manages to make my moods rise and fall, more specifically rise, which in a GF i need that for it to work, and idk, she's just an amazing, and perfect person, and friend, but she's taken, so friend will have to do for now i guess, but yeah, idk, i guess i'll just sit here and wait, i mean, idk, i've been thinking a lot, and she needs to come to me, i just need to wait, and maybe i'll be here waiting forever, patiently, but yeah, idk, i'm crushing on this girl, hard. see you in my next entry, and i'll add a name later : )
1-23-2021 - 1:23 AM
well, remember that person from my last entry, [49.48;49.55;49.55;54;]? yeah, well, they (i totally forgot their pronouns and was just not ok last night) apparently are quite different to me, and can't understand the concept of "taking space to calm down" when i mute them for just an hour, and even came back early about 45 minutes later, but then when i leave them alone for an hour and a half and text if they're ok, they still don't respond, yeah, you're totally not a hypocrite. in case you're wondering, they made jokes i see guys make, and it brought back memories that made me self-trigger (overthinking + Autism + Androphobia + anxiety = self triggers, *switches to sarcastic tone* and is super fun *switches back to normal tone* not.), and so i took space and muted them because i was going to be a bitch to them if i didn't, and came back early, and they full on removed me, and were totally ready to just fucking abandon me, which doesn't help my abandonment issues at all, and makes me trust them less, and they still haven't responded, and it's been 10 hours. you know, thinking about it, they might be toxic? huh, you know what, my solution will be to text them and explain it all and explain myself, and just see how they take it, because then if they get pissed, i know they're toxic, and if they take it nicely, accept the feedback, and treat me well, and it goes well, i know they're good. i'm gonna go type that and make another entry when i'm done, or after they reply to the message and i read their reply.
1-22-2021 - 1:17 AM
well, i met this girl tonight, her name is [49.48;49.55;49.55;54;], same as one character in a Netflix show i watch (i thought of the character even though this girl and that character are totally and utterly different), but yeah, she has the same "calm until you push me to the edge, then i LOSE MY SHIT" vibe and mood i have, because for me, i'm pretty chill, one of the more chill people here, but when you push me, i lose it and will lose it on you, but yeah, she has that, in truth or dare she said once she got to know me she might date me, so that's good, she's from the same country, and the same seaboard as me, and she's also on board with ZK and my other shit, so that's beautiful, i mean, idk, i think maybe she and i could have a serious relationship, but yeah, it's been what, hours? i usually find tons of reasons to not date within days, so we'll see. she also told me about her friends, who i might like and they seem nice, and she says she chooses them wisely, so i might fit into her friend group, even though every other one i tried has turned around and been a total bitch to me and called me slurs, insulted me, told me to kill myself, etc, etc, so that's great, but yeah, idk, so far, i think there might be a chance, but idk.
1-19-2021 - 11:25 PM
well, i had a not so good interaction with a close guy friend a bit ago, and am not getting into it because i'm not going to bring back my past trauma, and all that, and cause an anxiety/panic attack, but yeah, figured i'd let you all know, and also that i am 100% sure i'm androphobic now, not just 99% sure, so that's great, not. at least i can handle day to day interactions like male cashiers, receptionists, etc, and am lesbian, so i guess i'm ok? idfk, but yeah, see you in my next entry
1-17-2021 - 6:36 PM
i'm sorry, again, for the inconsistencies in my entries, my life has been all over the place lately. so, lately i've been hanging out with guys, and i hate it, i keep adapting my personality to act in ways that they'll like, to get attention, which in doing so, i hate how i end up acting..... idk why i even try to tolerate them when i play games when i know i don't like men and just generally do not get along with them or do not like having them in my life, and since i removed and/or blocked all of them, now i have no friends, and feel all my attention seeking behaviors come into play and i feel myself keep getting more and more wanting attention, like i crave it more and more because i don't have anyone around me to give me that much attention....... idk, it's just- it's hard not having as much attention, like i don't like being the center of attention, like i want someone else to be the center, like in the party with the guys, one guy was the leader/center of attention, and was the ranking officer there (it was a mil sim (military simulation) on GTA 5, where they played as ranks like in the military) and so, i liked that he was the center of attention, but i still got a lot of attention on the side, i liked that, i loved it even, because i got lots of attention, but wasn't the center of it and wasn't overwhelmed, like idk, i like being on the side of the spotlight, like still in it, but on the edge, because that way i'm not overwhelmed, but i still am getting lots of attention, like i like a lot of attention, but over a period of time, like short conversations giving me attention is perfect, because i love attention, i can't say it enough, but i can't handle long social interactions, i can't handle any of the same thing for too long, i can't, whether it be attention, a game, an activity, a conversation about something, whatever, i can't do things for a long time, it's why if someone is mad at me, and upset, i encourage them to blow their top and yell, scream, insult me and lose it, all in a few messages, instead of constantly bringing it up over and over for like half an hour of talking, because that just upsets and hurts me like hell, and makes me having anxiety and panic attacks, and i hate them. idk, i'm just weird, like idk. if i ever get a Mortal GF, she's gonna need to know my body language of when i've had enough attention, like i get noticeably agitated, and my tone changes when i do not want to be in that situation, and she's gonna have to know how to change that situation, like if i'm getting like that, move to another room in our house, and change the subject, then once i've calmed down, revisit the subject we were talking about previously, like that would work, because the way my mind works is i associate things like no fucking tomorrow, like i associate certain words with certain moods, intonations, emotions, etc, etc, and if you say something that is nice, but use even a single "angry" word that i see as an angry one, i'll assume it's sarcastic, and therefore you're lying to keep me from getting upset or whatever, and to keep from causing a conflict because you think i'm hypersensitive maybe, or just to avoid it because you don't want to fight, and then i'll ask why you're avoiding the conflict, if you actually are doing that, etc, etc, because i overthink, over analyze, and associate things like crazy as i said, so like, i am hypersensitive to speech, simply because all my social interactions are online, because in school, i tried to socialize and get better at it IRL because i knew i was bad, and i figured that being as good as other people in social situations was more important than school work, and so i didn't get much done, so they kicked me out, and i decided to drop out to do twitch, which has also helped me in my social skills, but as i said, it's only so much compared to IRL, because word choice and tone are the only two things that i really have to go off of, and i am hypersensitive to them because as i said, all my social interactions are online, and this blog, i think to myself as i write it, and i do that while i play video games as well, and so it has helped me in my social skills, but like, still, idk...... socializing is just so hard...... anyways, i'm getting choked up/don't know wtf to say/type anymore, so i'm gonna go, see you in my next entry.
1-14-2021 - 4:45 PM
well, i recall feeling like something might not go how i planned the last time that the dates were similar, and had summed it up to the excitement of the trip with my grandma, the one that i missed because i dislocated my kneecap, two hours after that entry. god coincidence is gonna end up making me know i'm gonna die, and i'm gonna be so paranoid and losing my shit over it, god, and also, the fact that i have been anxious lately too. you know, maybe this is me sensing my death or something? like i can tell it's happening soon? huh, something to think about, but hey, if for some reason i do die soon, then that's great, i get to go back to Immortal life, and then i can just Shift into a copy of this Mortal body, and live this Mortal life as if it's before this Mortal body died, so yay. also, my keyboard has broken now, so i'm gonna go. see you in my next entry : ) <3
1-14-2021 - 4:41 PM
god, another entry with weird symmetry/similarities in the date and time! huh, that happened twice, i wonder if that's the causal factor of why i feel like this? anyways, the way i'm feeling is i feel like between now and a month and a half from now something terrible is gonna happen, like this 6th sense type thing, idk, i usually only get it on hits, or at times when my life is super volatile, but like- i just- idk, i feel likes something awful is gonna happen in that time range. i'm gonna scroll down and see something real quick
1-13-2021 - 6:11 AM
sorry for the lack of entries, but i've been in a very sensitive spot lately, and still am, and i might just take a break from entering stuff here for a while, so yeah, i might stop for a bit, but don't worry, i'll be back if i do stop. good news though, and it's one of the reasons i'm in a sensitive place: my hormone recommendation papers went through, so that's good, but then there's a psych eval, a blood test, and some appointments between me and actually getting Estrogen, so yeah, you can see why with bipolar, i'm very much not in a good headspace right now, at least emotionally volatile, so yeah, i might need a break from writing here, but i will be back, so yeah. see you in my next entry
1-9-2021 - 8:12 AM
every fucking time i think things will go good and go my way, oh look, yet another thing gone wrong. so, let's start with most recent: my headset was on the way out, and so i was working out a deal with my dad, and i thought i was going to get $30 from the old headset because of the warranty on it, and so, i accepted the deal because he didn't communicate all of it properly, and i didn't understand it, so yay, miscommunications fucking up my life, again, yay. you know the headset i was saving for was gonna be all pink, pink as fuck, feminine and girly, just how i want it, super cute, and that excitement, looking forward to that, it was helping me deal with GD because the fucking hospital hasn't called yet about my hormones, and my therapist said he was going to follow up with them, so 1: she didn't get in touch or 2: she did and it's bad news like they're not accepting patients and shutting down the program, or some other reason that will make it so i can't go trans, and will kill myself before our session is over, so honestly looking forward to that headset was one of the things that was keeping my shit together, but now? i just can't do it, i can't, like every other thing i have tried to fight and get for myself, it goes wrong, it fucks up, and just ruins my determination, my self esteem, and in general my self worth. there's probably some rich bitch that might read this one day and say "it's only $30, they couldn't give that to you?" or something, but for me, when i don't have a job, and my streaming isn't doing great at all, and i only have an allowance, it's hard. i feel like every large goal i set my mind to or go for always falls apart right near the end, and going trans has had many pitfalls, and honestly i'm getting near the end, near starting the process, and the hospital hasn't called, maybe they never will because of me having Autism or some shit, and having the diagnoses, or some other reason because it's near the end, it's near the point where i have that one final pitfall that throws me back, and i don't know if i can handle that, honestly if they give me shit for it and won't let me go trans or something then i am just gonna kill myself, i mean, i haven't looked down at my body in months, i can't bear to look at it because of GD, and i've been dissociating in some form or another lately because the hospital not calling has me breaking down, i mean this morning i finally looked down, but only because i was heavily dissociating, and hardly knew who the fuck i was, because it was too much for me, and i ended up trying to stop my heart by holding my breath and shit, again, and that and it snapping me out of the dissociation, i had a panic attack, all because i can not handle GD, it's killing me, and i said years ago when i realized i was trans that GD was slowly killing me, and it has been, i may have been fighting it, i may have been resisting, but it's eating me up inside and i have nothing left inside me, i am stretched too thin because of the pain, and honestly, if my therapist did get in touch with the hospital, and they said i can't go trans or some shit, she better have a second option ready and be ready to tell me about it, because if not, i'm gonna tie a noose or grab my knife, whichever i end up being in the mood for, because i can not take this anymore, i can't. i'm closer to suicide than ever, and i can't save myself this time, i've kept myself alive all winter, and stayed clean a majority of it too, and i just- i can't do it any longer, after this winter, i'm drained of all my will to live except the few fumes of my hope, which at this rate is probably false hope........ i need to self harm terribly again, or i need to get the hospital to approve me and have it go well, because i am not ok, i really am not, and i have tried keeping myself in good mental health so they wouldn't reject me, and to make friends, but i can't do it anymore, i can't, i mean now, i can hardly leave my room, i've started locking the door if i'm just wanting to be left alone, i'm clinging to my plushies more, i mean, i'm slowly closing myself off, and getting closer to suicide, and i can feel it, and i need something good, like the hospital saying i'm all good for an appointment, and having it go well, because i am just- i just- i can't take it anymore, i just can't, and so i need something, and that headset is what was keeping me together, but as i said, there goes that......... people don't realize that the little things like that headset, or a certain plushie, a hug, saying they love me before i say it, all that mean so much to me, they mean the world, and no joke, a friend saying they luv me before i said it once kept me from self harming, no joke. those little things are so meaningful to me, and having that headset plan fail? it's broken me, and yes, my mental health is so fragile that not being able to buy myself a headset for a while longer is affecting me this much, so yeah, i'm that unstable, and that close to ending it all........
1-6-2021 - 5:50 AM
well, that friend i said about earlier, [50.52;54;49.56;57], the one who's a guy now apparently, well, i don't know if i can ever trust them again, i mean they're a guy, a man, and i mean, guys, i- i just can't even view them as sentient beings, or at least not as equals, i have to view them as lesser than me because of what [51.49;50.52;54] did to me all those years ago, and i just- yeah it hurts, and between my anxiety and upsetness right now my mind went to that primal decision of "fight or flight" and i feel myself converting my anxiety and pain and upset emotions into hate, anger, rage, and bloodlust, and i feel it being directed at [50.52;54;49.56;57], i feel this urge to hurt them, to inflict pain upon them like they did to me when they left me last year, and i feel myself hating him so much, and wanting to kill him, hurt him, inflict pain upon him, make him feel the pain that he made me feel, make him hurt, and suffer, and die for what he and all the other men in my life have ever done to me that i can't get revenge for, i feel all my hate and misandry and all of that being channeled towards him, and i know that it's all, idk, overreacting? but i still feel all this, i still feel this hate, and anger, and rage, because they're a guy, so everything i ever did thinking they were a non binary female this whole time is a lie, it's bullshit, and everything they said regarding me, or us, is invalid, it's fake, it does not matter, and all it is is lies because the friendship was formed on a lie, it was born of a lie, the lie being of his gender, and yes he was lying to himself, but still, i mean i'm still using they/them pronouns because i am in denial tied to my hate and desire to kill them, and hurt them, and make him suffer, and i hate him! i fucking hate him for all of the past stuff! all that comfort? all of it was lies! it was bullshit, and it's all invalid!!! i mean how the hell could they have meant all that if they're a guy?!?!!?!!? they could not have meant it, so it's all a lie, it's all bullshit, everything he said to me until now is a lie, all of it! it's all invalid, and bullshit, and just lies, and i just- no, i do not trust him, i can't, i mean, he's a guy! a man! i mean for fuck sake, every man i have ever had in my life for more than just to use him for some reason has hurt me majorly, abuse, belittling, torture, anger, mistreatment, not treating me as an equal, and i just- what the hell?!!!!?! if he's a guy, then he is associated with all of that, men are just different, their minds work differently, and i know some people like to think everyone is the same, and that life is grayscale, but life is full color, and everyone is something different, like i notice the differences between people with different mental conditions and combinations of said conditions, and people who are neurotypical, and the difference between genders, the difference between aesthetics, all of it, and guys, men, their minds are fundamentally different, they think more about narcissistic shit, more "oh i want to get with this girl" and not "omg i really like her, i'd love to go on a date with her" like you see the difference? now yes i know this isn't all guys, but it's most of them, and there's still traces of all other guys that i see, and seeing those traces? they remind me of [51.49;50.52;54], and what he did to me all those years ago, and i just- i hate it!!!!! i hate seeing those traces, they make me want to kill the person!!!! yes i know this is sexist, and bigoted in a way, but try and see my side: [51.49;50.52;54] hurt me in ways you can't even imagine, and for longer than any Mortal could endure, nor will endure, and it hurts to even recall what he did, to this day, and every other man or guy i have been around that has those trace foundations, they all have those traces, and as they get more comfortable around me, more calm, i notice them as they let their guard down, and i see them as evil, rude, mean, bad, men, and i can't see past that, and i don't know if i'm androphobic, but it would explain why it's hard for me to control my misandry, and i can only limit it if the guy acts feminine, or has feminine traits or behaviors, those trace behaviors, like most guys have, but of men, and their fundamental mind interworkings. idk, it's just hard, and the fact that now [50.52;54;49.56;57] is a guy, and everything that he said regarding us is invalid, idk, i just- it makes me feel like i don't even know him anymore, or like he's, idk, like he's this monster, one that has a lot of my secrets that the only reason i told him is because i thought he was non-binary, idk, it hurts like all hell, but the pain i want to inflict upon him is a thousand times worse. after reading all that keep in mind i am in my Bounty Hunter, or my Dark half of my duality that i spoke of a few entries ago, so my words aren't including compassion, caring, trust, empathy, sympathy, love, any of that, only hate, anger, rage, pain, sadness, bloodlust, and killer, murderous instinct, so yeah, keep that in mind after reading this. see you in my next entry i guess.
1-5-2021 - 4:30 PM
well, i am bringing back the Index for specific time ranges, and i might start moving the entries from older time ranges to the index, i think i'll do stuff over a year old, and at the end of every month, re order things and shuffle them, so this page only has one year of entries, to reduce load times, and to view older than that, you can go to the Index. honestly thank you so much for the views, i have had google analytics paired with this site so i can see readers, and it means a lot, even though there are very few of you, i still appreciate you, also, just to be clear, none of this will be for profit, it's just a side hobby for me to be able to vent, speak my mind, practice communication, all that
1-5-2021 - 4:07 PM
well, an old friend came back into my life. my original thoughts on him (he and i were close long ago before he realized he was trans, which is why i don't hate him) were that, well, that he hated me, was a toxic prick, and a jackass, and in general was a worthless, lying piece of shit, but he's come back, and sent me a super long, and meaningful and sincere apology, so i'm giving him a chance, and we're friends. i'm not sure i trust him yet, but we'll see where that goes. that's about it, so yeah, see you in my next entry
1-5-2021 - 12:56 AM
i just encountered a pervy, pedophilic bastard on Xbox on GTA 5, so that's fucking amazing, i reported him and blocked him, but i doubt Xbox is gonna do jack shit against him, and if he reports me and they punish me i am gonna HAVE WORDS with their support team, and lose my shit on them in a very long, pointed, and crazy email, that they are not gonna like, and i am gonna threaten to blow it way out of proportion, but we'll see, Microsoft has generally been good at moderation, and is generally good at handling shit like this, so i doubt it'll go against me, but if that guy is a cunt to me, then i am gonna just lose my shit and report him, and i also blocked him and gave him a piece of my mind before the flashbacks and triggering feeling set in, it's one reason i'm writing, to let out my anxiety, flashbacks, and in general bad emotions out into the keys, into my blog, and let them go. also, if you're wondering "what does she mean by flashbacks?" or "what moment would this make her have a flashback to?", well i'll tell you: i don't remember the second time, or, the first time? i don't remember, but i only remember the one time, [51.49;50.52;54] (Immortal father) was teaching me to stand up to torture, and decided that he was gonna be "turned on" and decided that since i was there, i was as good as anything, and so, yeah, long story shot, he raped me, and i don't remember much, between Anxiety, DID, and the trauma of it, well, i only remember him shoving it in, and that's about it, thank god for DID i guess?? one of the other Alters remembers, and i lose my shit to anxiety and panic enough around this subject, so i can't imagine what it's like to remember all of those 2 situations. maybe that's why [50.52;54;50.51;57] exists? because she's into, well, every kink, and one of them is CNC (consentual non consent, so rape play), so maybe she exists to tolerate sex if i can't at the time? i mean, there have been a couple times where she took over and had fun with the other person when Gender Dysphoria decided to show up, or when they were into a different kink, or any number of other scenarios, so maybe she exists because of that? to help me? all us Alters kind of have a "purpose" within the system, [50.52;54;50.51;57] is a sex goddess (that's her nickname among our system), and is just absolutely the "any bedroom fits [50.52;54;50.51;57]" (instead of one size fits all kind of joke, it's bad, i know) type, and then [50.52;54;50.51;50.52;49.51;57]'s purpose is to be a ground, be our rock, and be pretty emotionless, and come in if we need someone stable, steady, and we're not in a good mindset, and then [51.49;50.48;49.57;54;50.51;50.52;49.51;49.52] is our defender, our protector, he protects us and the system, i've seen him fight a guy and damn near get himself killed just because the guy called me, well, the much worse and vulgar version of a slutty skank (i go to a lot of shady bars in Immortal life), and- i'm getting tired of encoding all these Alter's names, but my point is, all of us have a sort of purpose, or reason to be here, and so i just- idk, it's hard..... you're probably wondering how i'm a Bounty Hunter if i'm this sensitive, upset, and broken over a few simple messages from a random perv because of flashbacks and anxiety, so i'll tell you: long time ago i used black magic to rip myself in two, into a duality, now, this is as an Alter, like i ripped myself as an Alter in two, so it's only me, none of the others, but anyways, in life, for various reasons, i switch between them, one is emotionless except for hate, anger, spite, malice, sadness, rage, and venomous, intense, infinite, and limitless bloodlust, and is in general all of my evil in one side, then there's this me, the normal one with emotions, caring, compassion, empathy, all that shit, and actually cares about other people, and with minimal bloodlust, but i have Bipolar, so my emotions do change a lot, and rapidly, anyways i can turn on and off the other side most of the time, now sometimes i can't use it, or turn on that side to rid myself of emotions, empathy, caring, compassion, fear, anxiety, and i'm stuck with them on, but 90% of the time i can freely toggle to which half of my duality that i'm on, but sometimes i can't, and when i'm triggered so strongly by something like this, i just- i can't switch which half, and i'm stuck, and i hate it, but yeah, it's black magic, there's always a catch, always a price, always some sort of con or negative, or reason not to fuck with that kind of magic, like the cost of that duality was it made my bipolar way more intense, it made possessions much more volatile (hence me being suicidal in this Mortal body), when my mind goes to a decision as primal as fight or flight, it chooses whether to turn on that dark half of my duality on it's on, subconsciously, and if that's happened, i can't change back for a while, also switching between the halves more than a few times gives me migraines like a motherfucker, and also if i stay in the emotionless half, then i can 1: get stuck in it for a while or 2: when i come out, then i am an emotional train wreck and my bipolar and emotions are all off the charts and intensified like 100 fold, and then also, if i stay in it for more than a day, like more than 24 hours, it becomes draining to maintain past 24 hours, and any and all emotions i would have felt if i were in my normal half come flooding in when i come out of it, so i just need to come out of it at least once every 23 ish hours to make sure i'm fine, but yeah, that's all the costs, and you're probably wondering "well Akasi, why the hell would you do that? why would you accept that price? why the hell would anyone accept that price?!?!" well, i'll tell you why i did: because nobody, NOBODY, NOT ONE PERSON, is willing to take those prices, those costs, ever, at least not for being a Bounty Hunter, they do it for selfish reasons, they do it to torment others with no good end, whereas i use it to be the best Bounty Hunter there is, and to strike fear into anyone i hunt, and to make this instance a better place, by ridding it of evil, and yes people come to challenge me, but they die swiftly, and yes people are getting better overall because of me, but none of them can rival me without as much training as i got, and even then, not one of them will get a teacher half as good as me, and so i'm fine, so the reason i did it was to be able to make this instance a better place, through a painful, hard, evil, dark, and cruel version of justice,t hat everyone else is scared to even consider doing, and is mortified of being on the wrong end of, because i go by any means necessary, so long as it won't leave lasting damage, and if torture methods that will leave damage like that are needed, i destroy the person's memory of it, it's one reason i became one of the strongest telepaths in the universe, so i can do that if needed, and that's only if they're a good person, if they're evil i let it stay, so they can suffer just as much as they made others suffer. i'm sorry for ending this so abruptly, but i need to go, cool off, calm down, and get myself together, but yeah, bye for now, and i'll see you in my next entry........
1-1-2021 - 11:32 PM
so, my friend [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57] and i are close, really close, and i haven't been as guarded, secretive, insecure, with her, and i haven't suppressed my personality, or at least aspects of it like i do with others, and idk, i just- i think maybe she could be the one? then i remember she hasn't sworn on her life to secrecy about ZK and stuff and other stuff, and i don't trust her fully, hell, there's not a ton of trust, only a fair amount, and i just- idk, i just think and wonder what if this and that, and think that maybe her and i could be more than friends in some manner, and idk, then those thoughts all come crashing down because of my lack of trust in her, and yeah..... it's hard, and complex, and i hate it......
1-1-2021 - 11:18 PM
happy new year, even if it is kinda late, and not much has changed since my last entry, but a friend and i are talking about some pretty deep stuff, i'll elaborate in my next entry maybe, but yeah, for now, bye
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