December 2020

back to the Index Here and the homepage Here. notable entries are listed next, along with links to future and past entry pages. I hope you enjoy reading these

Future: 2021 - Past: November 2020

Notable Entries:

12-31-2020 - 11:14 PM


happy new years eve, and i hope y'all are having a great day/night. ummm, not much has changed other than my anxiety going insanely high because my therapist finally sent the letter of recommendation to the place, so that's good, but now my anxiety is going crazy and is, well, kinda eating me up inside because it's just really hard to wait and be so worried, i mean, whether i kill myself or not depends on whether i can go trans or not, i mean, my whole Mortal life is riding on this, so yeah, now, granted, if my therapist for whatever reason doesn't tell me and says that it's a super long wait time and tries to break it to me slowly, well, then i'm probably gonna kill more than just myself, and if nothing else lose my shit and scream at her for not telling me, or if she calls 211 to my house, honestly if needed i'll fake my emotions, and i'll do it automatically because it's out of survival instincts, so i can survive long enough to commit suicide. honestly the government needs to make a new program like they have in Immortal life where you can go into stasis for X amount of years and then come wake up, like a coma program, and it's X amount of money per year, where they force you into a medically induced coma and stuff, or they let you get killed, like give you a lot of pain meds, and let you set up a living will and stuff, and make it a nice peaceful going, and set up a database for people who have done the program so if you do that and everyone wonders what happened to you, they can get to the database, which will be publicly accessible, and see what happened, and if they want they can claim your body or something like that, like have the person cremated and stuff, and have a special graveyard/funeral home for the people who went through the program, something of a memorial for people who thought this world was too much, and run it off tax dollars, or have you pay a fee and force all insurance plans to cover it, but make you wait, like for example, have a wait list of a year, like make you wait at least a year, or have a letter of recommendation from a therapist where you give the therapist's email and they contact them asking for that, and if your therapist says no, it's only one year, you can always wait, and can pay ahead of time with no refunds to cover the costs of it all and stuff, and if you decide you don't want to go through with it and want to back out, then they'll keep the money you paid upfront and stuff to fund the program and keep costs down, and have a lot of donations for it, and any extra funds they get will be distributed into other parts of the hospital that help the program, like if they have a therapist program, or some other related program that will connect with this program, idk, i think it would be great, because that way those of us who are suicidal aren't forced to live on this fucking planet, and can ditch it, and then get registered on the database, and include our aliases, a letter for certain people and stuff, all publicly accessible, and with a proof of identity you can view the content meant for you, like a good program, and allow people to download it, and have that so the person can decide for themself and not have others talk them out of it, and stuff like that, idk. being suicidal isn't something to be fixed or cured or stopped, it's something natural that should be let to happen, i mean the person wants to die of their own accord, and they get thrown in a mental hospital? thrown on shit loads of medication? all draining their money and trapping them there? and those mental hospitals are generally shit and have tons of horror stories, but then people take patients in hospitals off life support to stop draining money from next of kin, so we kill people who are unconscious getting killed to save people money out of greed, and then the people who do not want to live and are willing to sign waivers and such and all that and go through the wait times and stuff are thrown in financially toxic situations that trap them because they run out of money? what the actual fuck, like seriously, and then the only other ways are to jump off a building, shoot yourself, shit that not everyone can do, or will affect so many people, and cause problems, but if this program were made, it would be peaceful, calm, respected, fair, legal, and in general a good idea, and i think that suicide rates would drop, or at least the non-hospital ones, so the number of violent suicides would drop, and people could die and go in a painless way that is very calming, and respected. i just think that this would be way better than the current world, and of course have wait times, therapy, all of this, waivers, all this so that it's easy to get into it and go through the process, but it's also not going to be something that they do not want, like the patient will be sure of it before hand. the way it works in Immortal life is they're reincarnated or brought out of stasis at intervals and such, and are paired with hospitals, libraries, they're called "multi point parks" because they have a huge park in the center, then on one point a hospital, one point a college/university, one point a library - with a huge tech area, usually a whole floor, one point housing, and then one point these stasis programs where you pay to go into stasis for X amount of time, and then get brought back out and with tons of waivers and such, and all that, and some of them have 6 points for the tech area to be separate, and some have no school and a separate tech area, some have less than 5, but they have a huge park and all the programs and stuff around the edges, and ard connected by underground tunnels for fast transit through the park and into other programs, like from school to hospital is one tunnel, another for hospital to housing, and the housing is usually set up in multiple parts, one for people in the stasis program or a therapy program at the hospital, some have a separate section for mental health programs like therapy, psyche wards for admittance, etc, and the housing is separated into different parts fo the school kids aren't living nextdoor to therapy people (to avoid triggering if the students are young and/or sensitive), and some housing is available to people not in the programs, but it's in a separate building behind the one for the programs, further from the park. if someone could give me the funds and resources, i would make one of these, and really, really make it great, and have it be a central hub for a lot, be the core to a huge city, like central park to new york, but better, cleaner, cheaper if i could, work out offers and stuff, like on-site housing for teachers and their families and little pay, thus tuitions can be cheaper, have paid and free lunches, have the hospital run off government funds and such, all this, and have it all together, in a seamless fashion. i think i could really do it, but you know, i don't have the resources. idk, i think it would be great, it's certainly a blessing in Immortal life, and these multi point parks are hubs, centers, cores of areas for healing, compassion, safety, happiness, and just in general goodness, i mean, some of them have even set records for best programs because the doctors come in and live there in nearby housing with tunnels (with trams, wheel scooter things that you lean on with the handlebars, and horizontal escalators) connecting those areas to the hospital, and they take a way cheaper pay because the housing and stuff is free for them and their families, and it keeps costs down by getting sponsors and donations, and by getting government funding, and all that, so it's easily accessible by the general public, and it's easier if you take a job there too, like teachers and support group runners get housing as well, and it's all run off the grid, separate from the rest of the world, a true disconnect, so you can just live in this bubble community, and are separate from the world to live your own lifestyle, and your own life, but safe, and comfortable, and they'll have drills, and warnings like storms and stuff, and a redistribution center, so if you have some extra clothes it'll be put in there for people to take and have and stuff, and the only money making for the owner and teachers and stuff is the little bit from paid lunches and stuff, and the place wouldn't pay any taxes like they do in Immortal life, because they're a public service. and all of it is run by the community, like security is done with a training and can be an elective in the school at college level, and are permitted to be on patrol, and call things out, be a general guide kinda, and general help, and can call therapists and stuff if someone is having a hard time, and people will have an ID card for their therapist at the place, for a support specialist like a crisis counselor, or a few that they like, and like all sorts of accommodations, and help, and in general, just a kind, caring, and nice community, and idk, i wish i could build this place and live there, because i'd love it, and i'd take very little profit, do it for the good of people, for the good of the world, and stuff like that, idk, and then if you need help, you can give one of the aids your card to help you, and they scan it and it brings up yes or no questions for them to ask and how to help you until you get a crisis counselor to help you, and have people able to live here, and live their lives in the community, and all they need to do to get free housing and stuff is run a support group or help with them, or help in the community, and have a lot of support and help for people who live here, and idk, it's all just such a great idea, and it would take very little profit, but be a very great thing, but resources are the issue, idk, i wish i could email bill gates, or maybe elon musk and collaborate with them on how to do this and get it running and going and work it out and all that, and let me run it once they get old and die bc i'm young and they're older, idk, i just-  yeah, if only if only. anyways, see you in my next entry

12-28-2020 - 6:50 PM


well, i told a new ish friend, [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57], about what [51.49;50.52;54] did to me in my past. she took it, well, well i guess, idk, i just hope it didn't upset her or anything so she leaves me.....          idk, i'm just constantly worried about people leaving me and such, like i just- why can't people just stick by me? i mean i guess i deserve it and stuff, i am a shitty person, but still, not one Mortal will stick by me, by my side......    idk, it's just hard.......        also, idk, about this new ish friend, [54;49.57;49.50;57;49.57], i just, i oddly trust her? idk, it's hard to explain, like she's like me in the sense that she's loyal, gets sad if i try and leave, stuff like that, but doesn't have the attributes i can't handle like [51.49;50.54;51.49;50.54] had, like the bipolar, and all that being so overwhelming for me, and i just-  idk, it's weird because like she said she might fall in love with me and stuff, and i kinda want her to feel for me, like i want her to like me, to actually like me as a person, accept my past, but then again she's religious and won't swear or anything, so that makes it hard because i can't have her swear on her life to secrecy and such so i feel i can fully trust her, i mean it was hard to get her to promise anything even, and i just-   i guess best friend maybe one day is what will have to do......       idk, it's just hard is all........  i also have some good news and stuff which i'll talk baout in my next entry once i get myself back together emotionally.....

12-27-2020 - 4:38 PM


hey! so, no FBI has showed up at my door, so i assume none of you tipped them off after my name reveal lol, but hey, who knows. anyways, today has been good, i got discord nitro FINALLY, so that's great, and yeah, i sent my friend 9 hours of music lmfao, simply because i can, also, i love how there are numerous ways the FBI could track me down if data requests weren't relatively hard, like track who bought the shit i've said i bought to get a lead on me, track how i refer to things, like "over there" "down there" and try and pinpoint people i know to figure out what directions, but then that would take some serious psychoanalysis, which if i was gonna commit mass murder and shit like i will with ZK (only evil bastards like pedos and pervs, don't worry, and we'll have self control, we're assassins, not terrorists), then they would not have the time for that because it would happen too fast. and then they'd also need to understand ALL the Immortal stuff to help with the psychoanalysis, which again, takes time, and 99% of lore is bullshit and lies, so if they tried to piece together fact, they'd never do it, and then add on top of that my bipolar, Autism, DID, and other mental disorders, i'm erratic, spontaneous, and thus hard to match a pattern to me based on behavior to try and find out my next targets, and then it would also be hard to track me through my mental disorders because not all of them are diagnosed on record and shit, then they could try and find out who i am by what schools i went to, which would be quite easily, hence why i'll bleep their names if i ever did share them, and then let's say they crack my code, i also have been using nicknames in certain places, alternate spellings, etc, so then they wouldn't be able to use that stuff without figuring those spellings and differences from the exact truth and proper information, so basically, they would need some psycho crazy shit to track me down, and if they did ever catch me doing shit in ZK, well then i'd be wearing a mask and such, and then on top of that, i'd also have a lot of lies, and have stood up to some of the best torture, which would make them getting intel out of me very hard, so basically, even if the FBI did track me down, they'd get nothing except one criminal, and then the rest of ZK would have protocols for this and how to hide and shit and bust me out if possible, and so basically, they'd get the consolation prize of me, and nothing more, not the organization, nothing, end even then, the jury would probably go easy on me because ZK is about working to do good, and deliver a much more harsh version of justice, outside jurisdictions, not tied to any government, because in Immortal life, that's why the Bounty Hunting program was made, to have a record of Hunters, and to get operatives outside of the police forces' jurisdiction, so if the FBI did want to do jack shit with me, their best bet would be to contact me and ally with me, like i don't take out certain people from the US government, and they'll help us stay secret, and ignore us and turn a blind eye, stuff like that, not help, just turn a blind eye, because then they're not tied with us to if we kill some cunt in russia or some shit, they're not gonna launch nukes at the capital, because if we were tied to the FBI, that would happen, or if we were tied to any government, so basically, i've thought of all this and a lot, and all of this i thought of before i even posted here, so i've thought of a shit load of stuff, have contingencies in place, and all sorts of shit, so basically, the FBI would be fucked, and can't do jack shit to me, and even if they did find who owned this domain, like the email, data requests are relatively hard to get, and even if google gave it, the FBI wouldn't have enough once ZK does start, because i'll start faking login data, times, etc at some point with a VPN and stuff, and even THEN, if they track my VPN and that i'll pay with bitcoin or a false payment method, or one with faked data and such, and even if they did get it and managed to track me down, i'll have contingencies and ways to throw them into chasing their own tails, so basically, the only way to stop me would to be to kill me now, and arrest me, but then that's not gonna go well because they have no grounds for arrest other than a shit load of words, and besides, all this could be lies and i'm talking about a GTA 5 RP, and am just talking in a weird way to make it sound like real life when i get to this illegal shit, so it could all be a mind game to trick the FBI and cops into this shit so i can sue them for a shit load of money for acting without reason and excessive force and then plunge their reputation even further and fueling the ACAB (all cops are bastards) movement, so basically, anything they do to stop me before i get contingencies in play so they can't stop me, would all turn into a crapshoot and put them in the crosshairs of the media, the public, and destabilize the country even more, and also put a fat spotlight on everything, and also give them hell with foreign relations, and could also fuck up this year's election results from the electoral college, so basically, with all the timings of things, my plans, my contingencies, how far ahead i've thought, and all this, they can not do anything without it coming back to bite them in the ass at some point in the future. so yeah, basically, they're fucked, and their hands are tied, now, again, that alliance i spoke of? i would happily take that because it would allow us to operate much better, much smoother, and much easier than if we are outside of all that, so that would be their best option, it really would. now i'm not going to pretend i've thought of everything, they might find some ingenious thing to stop me, but i have my eyes open, and have plenty of stuff planned out, so basically, if they move any of their pieces in this metaphorical game of chess, they're putting themselves into check, and possibly checkmate, so yeah, basically, i'm untouchable for the most part, the most part, as i said, i'm not gonna pretend i know everything, not nearly, but i'm saying that i have enough planned that their chances of doing jack shit are slim, very slim.

12-25-2020 - 1:02 AM


MERRY CHRISTMAS PEOPLES!!!!!!!!! and happy holidays!!!!!!! i hope you are all having a great christmas and holiday season, and that it is all going great and wonderful : ) also, i decided to give you a christmas gift!!!!!!! MY REAL NAME!!!!! it's 




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12-23-2020 - 7:38 AM


well, since my last entry not much has happened, other than the holidays approaching (merry christmas, happy hannukah, and happy every other holiday there is this time of year by the way!), and my mood trying so, so hard to go up, but failing and just staying at "meh" in general, also, the thing with [51.49;50.54;51.49;50.54] has really been stuck in my head, and i keep just- not asking for help, shutting down, and i'm just giving up on socializing, having friends, being nice, all that, and just communicating in general because at this point, i'm realizing that it's just not worth it or anything. i also realized (separate thing) from a tik tok that, well, i've been going about this a good bit wrong, see, i thought my main issue was my bipolar, and it is, but that's the immediate, in the moment, day-to-day issue, my Autism is the issue i have that affects me more deeply, like my shit, and odd communication, Autism, my tics, anxiety, and fixations (didn't realize i have them until i started thinking), also Autism, and i just- idk, i've been in denial of how i should be treated, i've had super low expectations, and had expectations of hate, like that tik toker mentioned in a video ways you can say you need more or less support, and then i asked in a comment how to say it without sounding needy, and they replied to my comment with another video, to me, and they said at one point "that says more about you than it does them" and i thought she was about to just start hating me and idk, just mistreating me, yelling at me, saying i'm, idk, not worth it? or maybe that i should just not try? or maybe that i don't matter on this planet, because i expect to be yelled at, i expect people i'm around to be annoyed by me, not like me, not able to communicate with me, and even hate me at times, and get pissed at me too, i expect people to hate me and hurt me, mistreat me, and i acknowledge it's mistreatment, like it's not exactly good? but it's also not stuff i don't deserve, nor is it stuff that isn't normal, nor is it stuff that i don't expect, and i just-  idk, is it bad that i have these expectations? and that i expect this? i feel like it isn't in most ways, but kinda is in a few, because if i try to raise my expectations, i always get much worse than i expected, i mean i have almost no friends, i am violent, i am evil, and i am just plain toxic as a whole in a lot of regards, and so i get that everyone would want me gone and hate me, i mean one of my favorite servers, i came out as an Immortal and all that, and guess what? people filed false reports, or very beyond exaggerated reports against me, and so i was banned from the server, i tried appealing it, i tried talking to the owner, but nope, i got hate, from everyone, and i just-  i guess that was the day i realized that a majority of people would hate me, and that i am just not worth anything, i'm not worth love, or caring, or compassion, or any of that crap, and i say crap because i doubt it even exists, and idk, i saw something about lesbian relationships and i'm like "oh, i would loveee to be in that position and have that happen to me" (sub was hit on by a guy and the dom was overprotective and said to essentially back off, i'd love to be the sub in that situation), and i just- idk, i don't even think a relationship is worth it, like i should stop looking, i should just give up until someone comes up to me first, and isn't just being a total tease, and a bitch, and leading me on until a week later they block me, just like everyone else who has ever been "interested in me". also, i had some cunt earlier ask if i was trans and shit, and he had no way of knowing, not one, my voice was even good that day, and the way he worded it- it was rude, and i hated it, idk, did someone dox me maybe? idk, i doubt it, but it's just- idk, like i said, it's not like i don't deserve this, nor is this stuff awful, i mean i'm just some lonely trans bitch with no life, little to no reasons to live, no friends, nobody who cares about her, that has never really gotten a great friendship where i was shown the support i need, and any sort of good bond. idk, i'm just, giving up i guess? idk, it feels like it's not worth it anymore, and then aside from that, say people could support me the way i want, i don't know what types of things help me, i don't know what will make things better, i don't know what will help me, i mean, for me, comforting me, saying it'll all be okay, like in RP or roleplay, like in action font like hugs you tightly, and rubs your back when friends do that shit spontaneously, it's just- ahhhhh! it's amazing, and it helps so much, but nobody is willing to do that except for maybe a few people, and i just-  yeah, idk, it just feels like it's not worth it to try and have a decent life anymore.....

12-21-2020 - 3:55 AM


i'm feeling, idk, this just- weight on my shoulders, and my heart, and i just-  i don't know, my heart just aches for no reason, and it's because of me realizing that [51.49;50.54;51.49;50.54] acts JUST like me, like exactly, and i hated it, i hated being on the receiving end of it, and i just-  i hate myself now....       again.....      i'm just depressed and shit, and broken, and i just-  i don't know, i'm just fucking broken, and hurt, and i just feel weak, idk, i haven't eaten much, i ate about 70% of my dinner, then a snack later on, but i wasn't that hungry at all, idk, i just get depressed and starve myself for a time sometimes, and i just-  i don't know, i just feel so down, hurt, betrayed, broken, and just-  not okay.....     i'm sorry about this being so depressing, but i just-    yeah......

see you in my next entry i guess.......

12-20-2020 - 2:53 PM


i just realized i put the date and time reverse of what i usually do in my last entry, huh, well anyways, still nothing with [50.56;49.52;49.55;49.55], but i met a new friend, [51.49;50.54;51.49;50.54], pretty soon after my last entry actually, and she's poly, and has 2 GFs, and apparently has feelings for me? but last night we were both pretty anxious, and we both have bipolar, so that might be her bipolar toying with her like it does with me, and she still hasn't replied to me today, so there's still a decent chance she'll block me, but idk, i guess we'll see, but i doubt anything will come of this except wasted effort, sadness, and well, just sadness and nothingness, yeah, idk, but hey, who knows, this might be the singular biggest turning point in my life where i actually get a nice poly relationship, and we all live happily ever after lol, yeah, idk though, it's nice to think about, but hey, false hope is a bitch, so yeah, ummmm, i guess i'll let y'all know wtf happens in my next entry. bye bye

12:31 AM - 12-20-2020


well, it turns out that if i "actively promote, endorse, or support violent organizations" i can't use patreon, and since ZK is literally about murdering people, i just deleted my patreon, not that anyone has, or would subscribe to it anyways, but yeah, just figured i'd let y'all know that it doesn't work anymore, and i deleted that page. today went pretty well, even if i did sleep till like 3 PM lol, anyways, nothing much has happened with [50.56;49.52;49.55;49.55] so far, but yeah, i'll let y'all know what happens if anything. see you in my next entry : ) <3

12-18-2020 - 5:55 PM


sorry for not adding an entry yesterday, lately my life has been, well, it's been crazy, and yesterday an old friend, [50.56;49.52;49.55;49.55], came into my life, and i just- yeah, idk, it's been nice, but i feel myself subconsciously trying to be codependent upon them - like i always fucking do - and i just-  it's hard to hold back, not be open and shit, and i just-  this connects with my previous entry, about not felling loved, or like i belong, or anything.....


i guess i'll update you as time flows, but we'll see, and it's going ok/good so far

12-16-2020 - 4:30 AM


hey, so, sorry about the sheer lack of entries, i've just had a lot on my mind lately, and i just-  idk, it's all been so overwhelming lately, and i just-  i let myself be vulnerable, soft, open recently, and look where it got me, hurting my knee again, upset, depressed, broken, hurt, and suicidal, so yeah, that's great, oh, and my therapist missed our session at the beginning of this week so that's great, ummm, what else has happened, ummmm-    oh, yeah, i found a song i like again, i heard it a ling time ago and now i found it again, it's "I hate u, I love u" by gnash, featuring olivia o'brien. idk, i got a lot on my mind, and it's been hard lately, idk. honestly i feel like having a GF, or someone close to me would be best, like a sibling or something, idk. i see all this stuff about siblings, and that inseparable kindness and relationship and stuff and i just- i want that, i've tried chosen family like with [49.54;54;50.53], but she stabbed me in the back, and decided she hates me, so that's great, and my blood sister? doesn't like me nor care about me, not nearly enough as i wish she would anyways, and hell, she built her own damn life, she's off in another part of the country living a life with a husband and a fucking kid for crying out loud, and i just-  i don't have that feeling of belonging, of being close, of, idk, acceptance? idfk what it is, i mean, hell, through childhood i would say i was an only child to my teachers and friends because my sister, well, she was never around, she and i were never close, we never did anything together that was really meaningful, honestly the time i felt closest to her was when my grandma hurt her knee and she would take care of me fridays instead of grandma, and we would hang out and do some fun stuff, but idk, it was more her keeping me from getting myself killed from doing stupid shit than it was hanging out and bonding and being close and shit, idk. i grew up and have spent most of my life without feeling like my family loves me, or cares about me, or at very least feeling like they weren't close, i mean, hell, i felt like santa cared about me more than them sometimes, and i would freaking "pray" kinda to santa for things and stuff, then they didn't happen and i kinda thought he wsn't real, started looking into magic and that and then realized a few years before my parents told me, but i lied and figured he didn't listen or whatever, and i thought i wasn't important enough for him to listen, which looping back to present kinda, i keep invalidating myself in every way subconsciously, and keep feeling worthless, and i just-  i guess that's why i feel like this, like nobody cares, simply because i didn't have a great childhood, now i'm into video games and wanting to be left alone and stuff, and the times i do try and bond bc things have gone well, the person usually gives up on me, and i just-   this is why i feel like i need a house, and a GF, because my love language is touch, and cuddling with my sis wouldn't be weird for me, but it would be for her because, well, Mortal and Immortal life are very different, i just-   idk, i'm just broken, and hurt, and wanting someone to love me and make me feel loved, but then i'd get into fights saying they don't care or don't love me, and i just-  my problem is i need a GF that is a therapist (of course still have a therapist that i go to like i do now, as someone separate), to literally psychoanalyze me at times to snap me out of it, like i know that for some people having a GF that is a therapist sounds odd, or bad, like they wouldn't like it and being psychoanalyzed, but for me? i'd love that, i really would, even if they were going to go to school through the relationship, and they could use me as an example person, like use my stuff as an example, but never say who i am, just have her say that i'm "someone i know" to her class, not say our relationship or my name, so that way judgments aren't being made, but she can use me as an example, and then i could stay home and do twitch to pay for the bills and stuff so her money can go to her tuition mostly, that way it'll be easier for her and i to have our lives, and be together, and be close. idk, i just-   nobody fucking understands me, and cares for me and loves me for who i truly am, i mean, hell, i have so many fucking secrets, and i just-   yeah......          i'm just broken and fucked up.........


see you in my next entry, and i'm sorry this one was so depressing, it's been like this lately.....

12-16-2020 - 9:40 PM


well, sorry about my last entry, i've been a mess the past few days, and the pain had me really on edge, but i am here again, with new emotions: HATE, ANGER, AND BLOODLUST. so, you know Yale University? yeah, wellll, see, they traumatized and TORTURED 2 year olds "in the name of science" to see if people who have Autism HAVE A DIFFERENT RESPONSE TO FEAR, OR THAT THEY GET SCARED BECAUSE OF THEIR AUTISM, AND NOT BC THEY'RE PEOPLE WITH FUCKING EMOTIONS. god if i was in my Immortal form I'D FIND EVERY ONE OF THEM AND HUNT THEM DOWN UNTIL I COULD TORTURE THEM AND MAKE THEM PAY AND BEG ME FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH. i'm gonna fucking kill the people who did this, and make sure that they regret this. also, you want a source? https://europepmc.org/article/med/33283976 enjoy. i'm gonna fucking kill them i swear to god.

12-14-2020 - 2:26 PM


i just was getting ready for a trip with my grandma out for christmas stuff and again i dislocated my kneecap. i just want to fucking die, and i didn't get my therapy appointment today, so that was great, and it was even scheduled at the last session, so yeah, that made today not so great, but i tried to be optimistic, i tried to be happy, but no, life just loves to kick me in the throat. god i was doing so well this winter mentally and emotionally, and now all i can think about is killing myself because of this knee. i just want to die. if you don't hear from me by friday, then assume i'm dead.

12-14-2020 - 12:14 AM


yes i acknowledge the odd similarities in time and date lol, 1214 twice lmfao, just noticed that, anyways. i'm listening to that song from tik tok "i don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price i pay" and i just-  it has this odd vibe to it, like it acknowledges that the rush is worth the sacrifice, and it's a love song, but that part sings to me differently: as a Bounty Hunter. i mean, the rush of hunting someone? the thrill of the hunt? idk, i just- it's so fun, it's so, idk, it's just fun, it's exhilarating, idk, i just-  yeah, idk, it just has this vibe to it where the music builds as it sings it, i just-  idk, it's weird. i don't know, i'm weird, and complex, so yeah. ugh, i'm tired, but hey, i'm not gonna go to bed yet, i might stay up all night tbh, bc you know what? i'm streaming Tuesday, not Monday, so i can fuck up my schedule because why the fuck not lol, and the reason i'm doing a stream tuesday is bc i want to an all day type stream for cayo perico on GTA 5. but then again, i should sleep bc i got my therapist appointment, a trip with my grandma for christmas stuff (shopping, etc). also, that pert of the lyric, it has a second part, which goes "i get so high when you're with me, but crash and crave you when you leave", and honestly that could talk about my murderous intent and such personified, i mean, i personify them as a snake, it's part of an Immortal species i am, so yeah. idk, i just- i wish i could somehow express my murderous intent, and all this through music or something, but i don't have a good voice, nor can i write music, so yeah, idk, i just wish i could tell the world about my blog or something, like somehow just-  idk, somehow spread the word about me, and like be known for it somehow, like have people know about it, share it with friends, talk and stuff, i mean, idk, i just-  idk, i mean here, i don't care for appearances, looks, or anything, and don't care much about really anything, i just write whatever the hell i want, and vent and yeah, i mean, to most people this blog is just a depressed girl's way of venting lol, but i want it to be more than that, i want it to be like, idk, i want it to be a hub for anyone, and the Immortal stuff is included, but religious people are welcome, as long as they are respectful and won't push their views on others, idk, i just-  idk, it's so complex and hard to think about, like i just-  i know this sounds stupid, but i want to be an influencer, have this stuff be taken as truth and serious, and not some delusion or whatever people may think, i want to make change, affect people's lives for the better, and i can't do that on things like twitch, or tik tok if i wanted to do that, i can't, because it's not anonymous, i'd be easy to track down, easy to find and shit, but this? it's anonymous, i can wait before publishing, i can have a lot more self control. that's why i don't do well with IRL relationships and friends, because i don't have the amount of self control IRL as i do online, and i mean, i do have it, but it's hard to keep in mind, but online, it's easier, especially on this website, because i ave to hit post in the top right, take my fingers off the keyboard instead of hitting enter, and that makes me think as i hold the mouse, makes me take a breath, and keeps me in line. idk, i want this site to be a sort of hub for anyone and everyone, and i can voice my opinions without feedback, without anything like that, and i just-  i want to be able to do, and say what i want, and just-  idk, i can't do that with a face and a name that tie to me, it has to be anonymous, and i know that that might mean a lot less bc i am some mystery girl, as oppose to some well-known influencer, but i just can't deal with the hate, i'd lose it, i really would, because if someone is rude to me, i get mad, i want to hurt them, and if they truly hurt me, that's the only time i cry or get sad, if they truly hurt me. idk, it's all so complex, and i can't handle the life of an influencer without being anonymous, i can't. honestly i feel so powerless in this Mortal world, i mean, it's all just-  idk. sorry this turned into a long ramble, idk, honestly that was some bipolar crap, i mean, i mean that, but like, that's not who i want to be, not some influencer, i want to be real, be honest, and be, well, idk, blunt, nobody in this world is blunt these days, there's so much vanity, so many lies, so much bullshit, and i just-  i hate it, in Immortal life if you had an issue, or you didn't like someone, that shit was known, and you can move on, ignore them, or fight over it, and whoever wins has to stay out of the other's life, stop going to the same bars, that kinda stuff, but here a fist fight is, well, it's considered "assault" like wtf? that shit heals, i think it should be assault only if the person inflicts lasting pyshical damage like a broken or sprained limb or whatever, and if you want to end it, you tap out, or pin the other person like wrestling and stuff, but nowadays everyone is like "RAPE, ASSAULT, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" and screaming that shit every time someone taps them on the shoulder, like wtf, i just- everyone is so sensitive, and needs to toughen up, and respect others, like if they don't want to fight, you both ignore each other, end of it, stuff like that, i mean honestly, i just- idk, in Immortal life there's clearly defined lines, boundaries, and rules, and people respect those, they have honor, but this world has 0 honor, i mean honestly, it's all gone to shit. i wish i could write up a google document on how the world should work, and have it be functional, respected, and have some people actually follow it, and have like a "do you follow the Akasi Guidelines?" as a question before any fight, like idk, i just wish i could do something like that, and have it be functional, and actually good, and work, and be something that people can adopt and follow, idk, i think i could come up with a way the world could work, that everyone would agree with, and would remove politics, or at least heavily simplify them, idk, i think i could make something work, but the challenge would to be getting a government to follow it, and actually agree with it, and then get other governments in on it, and get the world to be in on it, like i am confident i could make a version that everyone or a majority of people could agree with, and even anarchists and stuff, like have private registered property things that allow you to set your own laws and stuff, and if you want, you can make your own rules in any area, and stuff like that, and idk, i think i could come up with a really good thing like that, even something for daily life, like guidelines of how to interact with people, and have it be on an honor system and stuff, idk. it's all just so complex and hard, and everyone is such a bitch to please and stuff, idk. this world is just too fucking complex for me, and i hate it.

12-12-2020 - 12:13 AM


well, i encoded [51.49;50.52;54]'s name to the encoded version, after all, i can't have this trace back to me lol, so yeah, if you miss his name and not the code for it, sorry not sorry. see you in my next entry <3 i also may proofread some of my entries in the near future and edit the names, so yeah, but i think i encoded almost all of them if not all : )

12-11-2020 - 10:10 PM


well, a now ex friend, [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57], decided to pull a 180 turn and hate me, so that's great, honestly i'm glad that they made it easy to move on, they yelled, and kinda stung with their words, so yeah, fun times. gotta love when people do this. just like fucking [49.49;50.51;54;49.57;49.54;49.52;49.57], granted, they told me to stop comparing them to her, but hey, they don't know what she did, and said to me. that girl really hurt me, and hell, i hope she's happy without me, because you know what? she was nice to me, just like [50.51;50.48;55;49.52;49.57], so i wished them a wonderful life and a great day/night, and said that they can enjoy life without me pretty much, and also told them to lose the link to this site, so hey, that's great, love it when you lose friends. i fucking hate life to be honest, i have nobody that cares about me, i mean ffs, all i want is one girl that is good, and nice to me, will vent to me, be close, and be a best friend, is that too fucking much to ask? apparently it is when i want them to message every day, i want them to message me so much that i get sick of them sometimes and need to take a break, that's how much i want them to message me, and talk, and i want them to message first, i just-  ugh, Mortal life just sucks, and i can't just have one, permanent, caring, good best friend, not one will stick around, especially when i get like this, in pain, practically suffering, and hating life, and just-  nobody fucking sticks around, nobody, and i hate it.....


i'll see you in my next entry, but idk how broken, hurt, wounded, or what state i'll be in (by wounded i mean i might self harm but hey, nobody will stick around to give a fuck, will they? no, they won't.) bye for now.

12-11-2020 - 9:34 PM


sorry for not adding an entry yesterday, i got a lot on my mind as of late, and i mean, i'm a fucking mess lol. i finally told my therapist about the shit [51.49;50.52;54] did to me in my past (i'm not gonna get into that now, remembering it was like salt in the wound and it still hurts, maybe another day, or week, or year, or never) so yeah, that felt, good? idk, i just- it's hard to explain, like i'm happy i told my therapist, but i'm also not like ecstatic or anything, idk, i guess because i'm still fucked up from what he did that i'm just not able to process it yet, i mean, it was 1,652,450,280 years ago that i finally got on that shuttle and left him, but it still hurts, and it still upsets me, i mean, idk. moral of the story: with Immortals, the ones that are outwardly pretty fucked up, and keep saying they are fucked up, they're the ones that are truly broken, and shattered on the inside, the ones that are generally sad or low and shy, and hide everything about them except a handful of things that make them happy, they're broken, and messed up, and the ones that are all of that combined, and hide behind humor when they feel vulnerable? they're hardly even a person, they're just a broken shell of who they once were. i fall into that last category, even though i tend to fall silent or change the subject more than i use humor, but yeah, i just-  i'm broken as hell, and i just-  i dedicate myself to being a Bounty Hunter, to taking lives, but knowing the good i do by killing these evil people? it's never enough to make me feel whole, or happy, or content, at least not for any longer than a month, and that's usually far more than i ever get. idk, i honestly don't know what to write because i'm just at a loss for words, which doesn't usually happen, but i am, i just-  i have no clue what to say.

12-9-2020 - 5:26 PM


well, next week we got the cayo perico heist coming out, and i'm gonna be streaming, so that'll be fun, i've also got a few ideas of what to do and am trying to do some sort of poll lol, but idk, i might just pick one for myself, who knows, but one of them is gonna be really hard lmfao, it's mostly a publicity stunt type thing for the channel lol, and besides, if the viewers want to watch me torture myself, doing it with extreme sleep deprivation is something i am all game for lol, and/or doing challenges while sleep deprived lmfao, idk, anything involving sleep deprivation, bc it's unhealthy, but it's the least unhealthy thing i can do tbh, and is something i am actually really good at, and will also improve my tolerance to it for things like ZK, and other things, so yeah, i could also be called "The Queen of No Sleep" lmfao, i like that title lmfao

12-8-2020 - 6:39 PM


well, so, i looked at some of the tiktoks from the kinktok community, and well, i'm curious, do dom people who actually do more than clean up, ask if you're okay, and maybe cuddle a bit and give you a kiss actually exist? bc idfk, none of the people in Immortal life have actually done that for me, but like, do they exist? idk, i know this question is 100% rhetorical since none of the readers can actually contact me lol, but idk, i had no clue people like that existed, and i am still wondering if they do. also, one thing i've noticed, is that now, i actually had a couple girls add me as a friend to "hit on me" lol, which as far as lesbians go, that sounds about right lmfao, but yeah, that girl, well, i posted about that story, but there may have been more, at least out of the accounts that have added me, some could have been lesbians that actually added me bc they liked me, but i doubt it, because the second they find out about me being an Immortal they're gone, and if they find it cool, then they usually are a bit put off by me having DID, and if they're still not afraid, once they hear about my past, [51.49;50.52;54], the amount of shit i've done, and slowly realize how BATSHIT CRAZY I AM, they tend to leave, and if they're still around, and care about me and actually like me, then they get ready for bed, rethink their life decisions, and then block me, and yes, i do throw all of this at people in one day, and yes, it is a lot to handle, but it's my way of pushing them away, because-     why do i do that? honestly i do want to see if they like me enough to stick around if i do all that; "if you can't handle me at my worst....." you know? but i just- taking a few days would have a much higher success rate, but then would they care enough? and be able to handle me enough? no, because the few times i dated someone that i didn't throw all that at in one day, they all left, but the one girl that was crazy enough to stay close to me was the longest relationship i had, which was three months before she got into a car accident, got a concussion, then her mom split us up and she no longer liked me bc the concussion kinda effed her up, but hey, it's whatever, and this is why now i don't make friends younger than me anymore, ever, and i try to only make friends that are 18+, simply because they're more mature, and yeah. ugh, i just wish i could find a nice GF, like one that i click perfectly with, but also has a sense of adventure, because like, i'm boring, my idea of a good day is sitting around playing video games, streaming, and then sitting down to Netflix, and possibly some sex afterwards lol, but yeah, doing that every day, for the rest of my life? along with Ze Karashines? that sounds likea great life to me, stream on my days of the week (mondays, wednesdays, and fridays) then some ZK stuff (small shit like planning stuff) on thursday and tuesday, then a hit on saturday, and then the rest of my hours are spent with netflix, gaming, sex, and whatever random shit i want to do? that is my ideal life, so if i can find a GF that will break me out of that habit sometimes, like force me to go on adventures, travel, stuff like that, make me try new things, then i am completely down, and honestly, in the relationship, her doing chores, her having sex exactly how i want, and cuddle time are all acceptable bribes lol, but have a minimum time that i get, and a larger amount if i did not enjoy the activity, like 15 mins of cuddle time and 1 chore if i like it, and that's for trying, and an hour of cuddles and 2 chores if i do not like it (as you can tell, cuddles are more valuable lol), but yeah, idk, and then, if by some miracle i do have a girl that i like, that likes me, my demiromantic ass decides i want to date her, and we end up asking one or the other out, i ONLY go into open relationships, bc i simply get bored of the sex with my partner, idk, or bored of their habits, behaviors, etc, so i need to "change it up" every once in a while, simply because i just get bored of sex with the same person, so i'd need to have an open relationship so i can find a tinder hookup, have fun for a week, and then save their contact for a later date, and agree that if we want to have a few hookups every now and again, then we just text the other and let them know if we can, can't, and if we want to or not, something like that, i mean in Immortal life, the amount of contacts in my holo-book is at least 300 different sluts/hookups that if i get bored of my GFs and wife in Immotal life, i can hit them up, and yes, i have 2 GFs and a wife in Immortal life, but we all agreed to put that on pause if i find a Mortal GF, like stay close, but not nearly as close as we are, like tone it down to close friends, then once that Mortal girl dies, we're back together, and yes, i know it could be a bit cruel as they wonder "wtf?" when i don't come to the Underworld to see them, but hey, i'll let them know that in the beginning, all of this, all of it, and so that way, they can't get mad, besides, i doubt i'll ever find a Mortal GF, so likeeeeeeeee, yeah. also, the complexity of if i do find a GF, and just the complexity of life and shit, it's all so much more worth it to kill this Mortal body, and get back in my Immortal form, then i can see an Immortal therapist instead of my Mortal one, even though i'll probably see them both, and have my Mortal one tat i have now help me with the Mortal life shit bc i'll keep my identity, just Shift and all that and yeah, and then my Immortal one can be Immortal shit. now, it's not to say i'm suicidal, i just want to be out of this Mortal body and in my Immortal form, i just want to be rid of this meatsuit is all, so yeah. anyways, idk, it's all just so complex, and anyone i date would NEED to be polyamorous as well, because i find too many people i like and would like to date, so i'd want the option of us finding a third person to bring in the poly, but the rules are, anyone who you have sexual stuff with, that's fine, but the second you want romance, or they cross in to that, you need to make the others aware of the situation, and that person needs permission to be brought into the poly, and like everyone in the poly needs to think about it, and idk, i'll make guidelines with any GF i get, if i get one, that way we know the rules, we know the boundaries and lines, and it's clear to everyone, that way we don't argue, and might be able to add a third to the poly, so it's three of us, but both of us would need to like that person, like both of us need to love them, like a triangle, not a line, a triangle, so i love them both, they both love me, and each other as well, so yeah, and if we don't like someone, we voice it, and as we integrate them, we talk, and say things we don't like, bc adding someone to the poly, it can happen overnight, but integrating them and getting close? those take time, and need to be done carefully and slowly, and have lots of communication between everyone, and also, that's another issue, i have Autism, so i can't fucking communicate! so i need any S/O('s) i have to know how to talk to me, how to comfort me and make me feel comfortable talking, because there's a few things that make me talk and communicate:

1: feeling safe       2: feeling comfortable        3: feeling not anxious          4: feeling trust, both ways           5: them being honest

6: them comforting me           7: them coaxing me into talking. 7 because if i am having a hard time communicating but have communicated with that person before a lot, it's because i don't feel comfortable, or don't feel safe, or a combination of both, so talking to me, cuddling me, and coaxing me into talking will get me to talk, and so they need to know how to coax me into talking, how to talk to me, how to make me feel safe, because, well, all the shit [51.49;50.52;54] did to me in Immortal life, i just-    i don't trust anyone anymore, i don't, not fully, it's just too painful, both in general, and to remember, if it wasn't, i wouldn't have DID, but i have it because i can't remember much of any of it without being overwhelmed, because i'm supposed to be an all around, daily life, "normal" Alter in our system, but the others have a specific role, or set of roles, and so they can handle much more of those memories than me, because they're not worrying about everything and the big picture like i am, but anyways, i need any S/O('s) i have to know how to help me communicate, and feel like i can communicate, and also, be patient with me, because sometimes i am so overwhelmed, and i just need time to calm down, to relax, to get back centered, before i can communicate, and they also can NOT pressure me, because under [51.49;50.52;54], he forced me to do so much shit, opinions were very frowned upon if he didn't agree with them, and it was hell to be under his command (yes, i said under his command, i was his daughter and second in command, because yeah, he wasn't the best (yes i have a daughter that has second in command rank, but she's free to do whatever, it's only applied if she wants it to be, and i'm not forcing her to serve under me like him)), and so i felt very pressured, and like i couldn't talk, so i just- i choked, i got choked up and then shut up and said nothing, and then didn't try and speak out, now, if i feel like that, i visibly act stiffer, i can't relax completely, i am tense a lot of the time around that person, and i will just keep silent a lot, basically just keep my mouth shut, do as i'm told, follow along, and try not to piss anyone off, and it could be seen as a toxic relationship if my S/O('s) upset me and get me in that mindset, but it's simply because they haven't come to me, asked me what's wrong, cuddled me close, and made me feel safe, and loved, and like they care, and met all those requirements for me to talk, and vent, and if they stop doing that, or i tell them something was wrong, and they don't react in a good way, like they laugh it off, then i'm just gonna stop all that and turn off my caring for them, because i'll see them as uncaring, and toxic, just like that, flip of a switch, and i'm gonna break up with them soon. i don't care how long we've been together, the second they don't listen to me and laugh off something being wrong, i'm gone, we're done, and i'm never gonna propose, never ever, maybe drop a couple hints that i want that, but never ask for it, or propose myself, idk, i just-  idk, i'm so goddamn complex, and there are a zillion things that would end our relationship on the spot, then and there, and if i had an S/O and they ask me what is every possible thing they could do that will end the relationship, on the spot, flip of a switch style thing that there wasn't a way to fix it, i would give them a short list, a short one, but it would still be a list, one of them being laughing off me telling them about a problem i have with them and being serious, 2 would be making me feel uncomfortable/unsafe in any way, 3 would be me getting in that soldier mindset from when i was under [51.49;50.52;54] because of something they did of their own accord, like Alyssa, my Immortal GF did that bc of a kink i asked for that time, so it was my fault, and i felt pretty upset, but she helped me snap out of it, and calmed me down, and made me feel better, and in general was super sweet once she realized her mistake, so yeah, i was, and am ok. 4 would be making me feel like anything about the Immortal stuff is "just a belief" or invalidating me in any way, shape, or form, but if she nows about it, now, if she does it by accident, and doesn't know that saying something will make me feel that way, i'm gonna glare at her, and tell her to think over her words carefully, then walk out and take some space to cool off, and if she comes in and apologizes, and thinks of a few things that could have been what she said wrong, like a few phrases/sentences/words/wordings, and asks me if any of them are what she said, and if not what it is, and makes it up to me, ok, fine, but i'll need a week before i've bounced back, if she knows what it was and it's 100% correct and she handles it really well, then i say a few days to 5 days, and i say this because i take that shit so seriously, like feedback i take so seriously, because of my Autism, feedback is one of the most important things to me, so if you have an issue, tell me, talk, use your words, like i have had people report me because they misunderstood what i said, or some other thing, and they didn't tell me what i did wrong, so i keep fucking doing it, like i had about 5 friends leave me without saying goodbye, and all saying that they "left because i was bad for their mental health", and not until the last one told me it was because i was accidentally guilt tripping her did i find out wtf i was doing wrong, and she said that as she was blocking me, that was one of the last messages i got from her, and it hurts, because everyone says "oh, as long as you're constantly improving" well HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO BETTER IF I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING WRONG GODDAMNIT, NOBODY USES THEIR FUCKING WORDS ANYMORE, SO I COULD BE SCREAMING HITLER WAS A GREAT MAN, ALL SORTS OF RACIST SHIT, AND ALL SORTS OF EVIL SHIT, AND NOBODY WILL TELL ME THAT THOSE ARE BAD, AND THAT I AM JUST "UPSETTING THEM" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER, like it is THAT FUCKING BAD, that i can not learn to be better, and recognizing what i am doing is wrong? i can not do that, i can't, now if you say i'm doing something, give me a month and i guarantee you i'll do it less by the end, guaranteed, but only IF YOU TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING WRONG, like seriously, tell me what i'm doing wrong, and preferably do it before you make me feel like shit bc you tell a moderator and get me banned from a community i love, or get a final warning from a community, or some other severe moderation action (yes, both those happened because they would not say they had an issue and talk about it, and just went straight for the report buttons), which this is why if i am mad at someone, i'll try and provoke them a bit and ask "so, am i hitting the report button?" and stuff like that and if they say "woah woah woah, wait, hold on" and try to explain themselves, i don't report them at all (and maybe end up blocking them if it goes bad again), and talk it out, and i have saved at least 3 friendships by doing that, and same with threatening the block button, but guess what? NOBODY ELSE FUCKING DOES THAT, they all just say this broad umbrella term vague bullshit that can mean 50,000 fucking things and doesn't tell me how to improve, then blocks and/or reports me, but anyways, back to the origin of this rant, i take feedback so seriously, so giving me feedback, even if it's hateful, if it's structured/worded as feedback, then i take it as such, hell, it's why i question my gender so damn often because the hate just makes me feel so invalidated, and i just-  yeah, and then there is so many other things any S/O('s) i have would need to do, know, etc, and stuff like that, that i just am guaranteeing that i'm never gonna find one, and i have almost no friends anyways, so yeah, idk, anyways, i am out of energy to write, an my fingers are getting kinda sore from gaming, cracking my knuckles, etc, etc, so yeah, goodnight, i'll see you in my next entry, and have a great day/night, and a wonderful life : )

12-8-2020 - 12:35 PM


well, i have a proposal and some info about me in a government format, ready to email to the FBI about a project i could help them with and such, but idk, i might send it, but i doubt it. nah, i'm not going to most likely, just keep it ready in case shit goes sideways, besides, then they'd look into my google account, find this, all that shit, and that would be a mess, but anyways, idk, i wish there was a legal way i could do Ze Karashines, but there isn't, not in the capacity that i want to do, idk, but yeah, besides, they'd probably throw me in jail for "threats of treason" or whatever, or for some other bullshit bc they're afraid of me, lol, that'd be funny, the president and the nation being afraid of me lmfao, oh wow, idk, anyways, yeah, idk, there's just so much that people don't know, and nobody believes me, but hey, it's whatever, Mortals fear what they don't understand. idk, i'm just in a "ugh, whatever" kind of mood right now, idk. anyways, i'm gonna go, see you in my next entry : )

12-7-2020 - 6:14 PM


well, sorry for not putting in an entry yesterday, i've been pretty sad lately. just a bit ago i was playing a game and it mentioned "soul wandering", which is an ability in game, but also, coincidentally, in real, Immortal life, just not exactly how the game uses it, see, in the game it allows you to play as and control other animals, in real life it's a Light Type ability that allows you to co-control animals, where they and you both control the body, so they can stop you, or you can latch on to them and enjoy the ride, it gives you a new perspective, and it can also be used on people, but only for riding them, and linking with them. it's a mostly forgotten ability, and is used by some police and other people to find truths, because if your soul is pure, it allows you to pressure them to confess the truth, and almost nobody can withstand it, but it's so lost and forgotten that, well, almost nobody even knows what it is anymore, or anything about it, i mean, it was used over a billion years ago pretty commonly, but then once the Telepaths and other, more powerful Immortals came to the police forces and such that could replace that ability, and people to use it, it died out, and it reminded me about Light Abilities, see, incantations, magic, all that is under an umbrella class of "Extra-Mortal Manipulations", now these Extra-Mortal Manipulations, are separated into different types, and classes, which classes are power levels and how it is conducted, like incantations, magic (through a medium, like potions, spells, etc), true magic (not through a medium, but through you as an extension of your will, concentration, and power (very, very hard, but very, very, very far beyond powerful)), etc, and then types, which are as follows: Light, Dark, Elemental, Special, Magical, and Realm-Specific, which within Realm-Specific, you have things like Riftukina, Underworld (Demon) magic and incantations, Mirror Realm (complex and where everything is mirrored in a certain way or set of ways), to name a few, and see, i have mastered all these types of abilities, i trained in a special sanctuary, and that sanctuary had learning paths, and i chose the Dragon Path, or the one that taught me everything, ever, all over a long, long period of time, and so i mastered all these, and earned the Golden Master Dragon Rank (i know, it sounds like a lot/flashy, i don't like saying my titles and such because idk, i just- it feels odd/weird to me),  and so i know, and mastered all this, but since i went there, i have become darker, there's not a drop of my soul that is pure, not anymore, and so i would need to do a few rituals to purify it enough to do Light Type abilities, because i can't right now, if i tried to use them, it would backfire on me and hurt like hell, so i don't try, but anyways, idk, it reminded me that i can't use them anymore, and it reminded me how dark, evil, and hateful i am, and how hated i am as well, idk, i've walked in darkness, evil, and loneliness for so long now that i just- i forgot what it was like to do anything Light Type, idk, it kinda surprises me how long it's been since i was, well, happy, like truly happy, god, long over 50 billion years, at least, and since i was able to do a Light Type ability or incantation or anything? probably at least 30 billion, if not more, idk, it goes to show just how long it's been, and also goes to show my dedication to Bounty Hunting, to hunting, killing, and destroying evil, any and all of it, so there is a silver lining of sorts, but idk, is it worth it? rarely, sometimes i get to see the good behind the evil i do, like seeing the victim of a trafficking ring go home to their families, and contact me somehow, or seeing someone that was targeted by a cartel go home and live, something like that, but all that are just the fleeting moments of joy i get between the heinous, evil, and dark things i do, and honestly, the few i get are more than enough, hell, i don't even want those moments, because they make me soft, but what i do want? someone to hear my stories, hear my past, hear about who i am,the people i have hunted, the people i've killed, all that, and hear about my Duality magic that i casted upon myself to create a duality within me of a Bounty Hunting, Combat me, and a normal, life me, which that Bounty Hunting mindset of mine is channeling me, and another Alter, [51.49;50.48;49.57;54;50.51;50.52;49.51;49.52], and our combined hate, anger, rage, and pain, into an evil, murderous, killing beast that will not stop until we kill anyone and anything that means us any sort of harm, and that magic took so, so long to do, and has split me in half, quite literally, into a Duality within me, and sometimes that toggle works on it's own, subconsciously, and i just-  i did that to dedicate my entire life to Bounty Hunting, to dedicate it to who i am, what i do, and taking down these people, because let's be honest, the people i go after? nobody else will, simply because they can't, and if they can, they don't want to, and if they want to, they're too afraid, and rightfully so, some of the people i know have more kills than some top-tier Bounty Hunters (nowhere near mine, but still), but anyways, i'm going off on a tangent, but what i want, what i really want, is for someone to hear about all of this, and honestly talk to me, and acknowledge the sacrifices i have made, the things i have done, and the things i've had to do, and just acknowledge that i sacrifice so much, and have lost so much - mentors, family, friends, allies, my life, my happiness, my peace, all to this life, and i just want them to acknowledge that, not thank me, but acknowledge that, because nobody, not a single person, no one, not one understands me, nor what i have given, lost, and sacrificed for this level of dedication, because they don't see past the evil, angry, insane, murderous psycho facade, and yeah, that is by design, but still, the people that i have let the curtains down for, and shown the real me? none of them do either, none of my friends, and idk, all i want is for them to acknowledge all this, and i know some of my friends read this and know who i am, so if they do it, idk, i hate asking for things, especially stuff like this, so i'd probably deny it and fight over it, but idk, i just-  idk, i just want someone to acknowledge it, that's all.

12-5-2020 - 9:04 AM


well, my friend got off Xbox, and now i'm alone. idk what to do lol, i could try grinding tf out of my phone game, level up life, i guess, idk though, i'll find something. see you in my next entry : )

12-4-2020  - 10:56 AM


well, that girl from before, well, i just realized, she was a Mortal-Deviant, a Reliant, and i realize why she blocked me: i'm part Vampire (i'll add on to that in a minute) and Reliants and Vampires have been at war for so goddamn long, so she hates me bc of prejudice, so yay, but i mean, at least it's justified, I've killed at least 3 dozen Reliants, maybe someone she was related to or cared about, so it's justified on her end, and hey, at least now i have a reason, and it's a good one. now, about me being part Vampire, yes, we exist, and are almost extinct, no the lore is bullshit, we're basically humans and drinking blood only give us enhanced senses, and gives us increased agility, and alertness, and survivability, so makes us better/more than humans until it wears off, and no, garlic and sunlight do not do anything, in fact i love garlic and i have eaten it a lot, and haven't died yet, and sunlight does jack shit, the sunlight thing is bc we don't love the day bc with our enhanced senses, it being night is much better for hunting, killing, and travel, and our eyes can "store" light we've received, and "redistribute" it when it's dark, we if we stare at a night light for an hour, we can make pitch black night with no moon seem like it's dimly lit for a few hours, as part of our abilities, but that is always, natural, no blood needed, and our fangs are actually just slightly longer canines, but they're hollow, and can inject venom, one is poisonous, one knocks you out, one makes your heart raise and makes it much faster for us to drink blood, and then we can also use that hollow cavity to drink the blood through our fangs, so the lore is pretty bullshit, and no i haven't drank any blood in a long ass time. also, one drink of blood, like drinking until you feel "full" of it (which is usually about 2 cups to 5 cups depending), that lasts us 3 weeks to a month on average, depends on the blood type, usually O is pretty meh and bad, A and B+ are 2 of the best, but anyways, yeah. also, see you in my next entry

12-4-2020 - 4:51 AM


well, that girl blocked me, yay me, so i guess there she goes. oh well, down to 3,295 people now, love my life. anyways, see you in my next entry. why'd i know this was gonna happen

12-4-2020 - 1:36 AM


well, i met this girl a bit ago that randomly added me on Xbox, and so i figured i'd text her, we talked, and so far things are going well, and she might be one of those 3,296 people that could be a real, close S/O, idk though, so hey, i'll update y'all accordingly : ) see you in my next entry

12-3-2020 - 1:11 PM


so, i'm listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWfjlIMiqBg, and i just-     idk, i mean i connect to the lyrics, like i would say them to someone else, 100%, i really would, but i also kinda feel like someone might sing them to me, i mean i limit what i eat, i exercise a lot, i make damn sure that i am hella crazy thin, i worry about my weight, all in Mortal life, all this, and in Immortal life, i try to be the best, make sure i do everything perfect, fast, clean, all that, and i just-   idk, i'm just kinda out of it and vibing/ zoning out right now, idk. i honestly don't know what to say, but like, i want to keep typing, venting, idk, like dump emotions as i listen to this song, idk, like as i listen to a song, i feel so many emotions, like as lyrics flow, my emotions flow, like from sad parts to happy parts of the song, i'll feel those emotions, and they're of this intensity that is just, so high, it's so intense, and i just-  i wish i could get a Gf that could feel that, feel my emotions, like even if she needed to cuddle me, i just wish she could sense my emotions as i feel them, like feel all over my body and from how my body feels, feel my emotions, because i notice that with my emotions, my body changes, and over time i think she could learn how i'm feeling by just feeling certain muscles and parts of my body and if they're tense, limp, resting, whatever, sore, all that, idk, i just-  idk, i know i could do it if the girl is like me and her body and muscles will fluctuate with her emotions, i would be able to learn it eventually, but idk, i just-  idk, i've kinda lost hope on love at this point, because idk, i'm too complex, there's too many little things that i know about, and would notice in my partner, and then be so annoying bc i overthink things and stuff, and i just-   yeah...         idk, ummm, sorry, this is getting really depressing so i'm just gonna stop here, i need a break. see you in my next entry......

12-3-2020 - 6:49 AM


soo, about my last entry- i never slept, i've been up since then and ugh, it kinda sucks, not gonna lie, anyways, i know i said i'd try and remember to explain Immortal alcohol, so i'll give a brief explanation right now: because of there being special fruits, vegetables, and all this other stuff on tons of planets, there's different ones that people add to make flavored alcohol, like the ones i drink are only sweet alcohol, so it tastes like this sweet, almost soda-like taste, but it makes you feel warm, like how "Nectar" is described in the Percy Jackson books, it's like that, and it is to good, and the proof is how long it's been aged, bc of the special wood makes it a higher proof level the longer it sits, and our proof levels go WAAAAAAAAY high, like insanely high, like common proof levels for shots is about 1,000, and i know how strong that sounds, but it works slightly different, because you call it 80 proof, we call it 40 proof, and proof is how strong it is, meaning how buzzed you feel per miligram of the drink, and there is a special method of measuring that: (initial percent of alcohol per barrel) x (years aged) / (liquid capacity of barrel measured in cups). and they use that measurement because smaller liquid capacities make the aging process much more effective because of the special stuff they soak the barrel's wood in, the flavorings, all that stuff, and all of it is natural at good breweries, artificial stuff is all being phased out bc of new tech allowing the extracts from fruit being much easier to get, now if it's not all natural, it's considered trash tbh lol, so using that math, say i brew a barrel with 50% alcohol, and it's aged for 100,000 years, then that's 100,000 x 50 = 5 million. so then divide that by these huge barrels that are 100 gallons, or 1,600 cups, or 3,125, so equaling Proof Level 3,125, and i can't find the symbol we use for the word Proof, it's annoying, but it looks like this symbol: Ъ but flipped so it's like a P, and then a slash over the circle part, only the circle part, like this: / but only over the circle part. but yeah, that's how we measure our alcohol, and also, any proof level over 5,000 is, well, it's considered "unsafe" bc it can kill you, and in systems where "unsafe alcohol" is illegal, it's banned, but most of the stuff i drink is above that, so i go to bars that have a secret room for the special stuff lol, and if needed i help them keep it a secret, i've actually helped a few thousand bars with various things, simply bc i like them and am friends with the owner lol, it's nice, and sometimes i'll get a free drink lol, but anyways, yeah, that's how our proof system works lol, and now i'm gonna go, and relax for a bit. see you in my next entry : )

12-2-2020 - 11:36 PM


i woke up a bit ago and i'm fucking tired, idk what woke me up, but i think it was a nightmare, idk, but now i'm going back to sleep, hopefully until like 5 AM or something, at least 5, bc i'll gladly wake up at 5-7 AM. anyways, goodnight to all of you who rad this, and i hope to add another entry when i wake up. see you in my next entry : )

12-2-2020 - 3:52 PM


well, so far today has been a good day, only con is now i'm pretty tired lol, but hey, it's whatever, i'll probably do a short ish Assassin's Creed stream or something on Twitch, maybe Forza or whatever, but hey, it's all good, or i could just go to sleep and schedule one for tomorrow and Friday, idk what i'll do, but hey, for now, i'm gonna relax, and enjoy some youtube lol, but yeah, anyways, i'll see you in my next entry : )

12-2-2020 - 5:27 AM


i know that i'll probably lose a few readers from saying this, but i say what i want on here, and i'm gonna be who i am, and that's that, so here goes: a bit ago i had a person on Xbox, Fuzzy (no need to encode his name because it's not his full gamertag and it's a common word in a gamertag), and we were playing and some shit happened in GTA 5 online while we were playing, and anyways, he was of no help and actually made it worse/harder, and so i got mad at him, killed him a few times (in the game, he's a Mortal) and so then we stopped, did the set up mission to get the business running again, and anyways, he leaves, and so i just block him and leave bc he was lying, and clearly just wanted to get away from me, and would most likely have blocked me in a few hours anyways, and so i was pissed, went to the basement, and i did some exercises and practices that help me re center, and reconnect, and then a few minutes later after some training with my knife, i did an old exercise that allows me to move my emotions to a sort of "battery" inside me that i charge with emotions, and it fills up with rage, anger, hate, malice, spite, sadistic, and murderous intent, and my raw, killer instinct, strength, and combat abilities and all of it runs off that "battery" of powerful emotions, and in my Immortal form, i am able to store a lot, charge myself up with months of anger and such at a time before needing to release some in combat, on a hit, and at first i was able to store about, 5 events of anger i think it was, and they were pretty big, i think 3 were about as big as this GTA 5 thing, and then the other 2 were about twice the size, one a bit bigger than the other, and anyways, i was able to store that much, but when i did it with this GTA 5 thing and stored those emotions, i felt this weakness, like my battery was full, and idk, i usually empty this "battery" over time if i just have a good time and enjoy myself, so i must've been empty or near empty before storing these emotions, and i still felt weak, and idk, i see how weak this Mortal body is compared to my Immortal form, and how ill-versatile it is, and just in general how, quite frankly, how pathetic it is, and idk, i just-  i can see how Immortals see themselves as better than Mortals in the sense of physical, in that i agree we are far better, but in the sense of mental? we're equals, and some Mortals are better than some Immortals, like high-end Mortals are much smarter, more emotionally strong, stronger, and in general better mentally, than low end Immortals, and so that's why the ones that are high end, i raise up to my level, and treat them as i would a normal, average Immortal, not like Mortal, ill educated, rude, and bigoted scum like i treat some Mortals, however even those are rare, so most Mortals i treat as slightly less than average Immortals, and only the ones that are shit do i treat like Mortals, or as less than Mortals, but the good ones i treat as average, or slightly better than average Immortals, depending on what respect, treatment, and caring they are deserving of, so idk, it just shows that us Immortals are flawed, and that Mortals find ways to overcome and mend their flaws, us Immortals just accept them, then find ways to use them. idk, time and experience just goes to show more and more differences between Mortals and Immortals, and more reasons i don't fit in due to those differences. idk, it's just some stuff to think about, and i mean no offense by any of this, i'm simply pointing out differences between Mortals and Immortals, and one of the major ones i noticed today. idk, i wish there was more to say to make this seem kinder, more caring, and not egotistical, but i just-  idk, there isn't really any, the only thing that is better about some Mortals is your capacity for mental capabilities, versatility, and strength. and i mean this is all Immortals, and all Mortals, the only difference then is who uses that capacity, and who doesn't, Mortal or Immortal regardless, idk, this is a lot, and even my head is kinda starting to hurt; sometimes you just don't question things, it's easier that way, at least in certain situations. idk, as i said, my head is kinda hurting getting into this complex shit, so i'm gonna get myself a nice, 20,000, Armetin Gold drink (i'll explain beers, and Immortal alcohol in my next entry or sometime soon, as soon as i remember), and enjoy some Netflix, and maybe some porn later lol, see you in my next entry : ) ; ) <3

12-1-2020 - 9:55 AM


i'm listening to "Everything I Need" by Skylar Grey, the song that plays at the end of the movie Aquaman during the credits, and i just-  it makes me so damn emotional and so, idk, i just-  idk, it's just so . .         powerful? idk, i guess that's the best i can describe it, and idk, if i ever get a girlfriend or anything and we have a fight or whatever, most people probably think i want them to do something big or something long or whatever, like flowers or whatever, but for me, once i trust you, and know that you mean what you say, then it's as simple as doing a few small things in a day or over a few days if it was a bad fight, and i'm talking about little things, like if i leave something in another room grabbing it for me, little things, and like hold my hand afterwards, like puppy dog eyes, show you care, and feel sorry, and want to repair our relationship, and be closer, like don't do what some guys do and buy me shit, no, that's an indirect bribe, and i hate that, do stuff that shows me you care, and love me, and looping back to the song, it's so powerful, and so many songs are, so if you really want to make some serious romance and make me fucking melt and just, absolutely love you to high hell and never leave your side for like, a day, sing to me, sing me some song with it playing in the background, like sing it to me and like in this song there's a part where it says "you're everything i need" do like hand motions like pointing to me and then to you and a heart or something cute like that, idk, for me, my love language is my senses, music for hearing, holding hands, cuddling, hugs, all that for touch, wear a perfume or something i like when you have on for smell, stuff like that, not so much sight or taste, but the others, yeah, especially hearing and touch, because i pay so much closer attention to my senses bc of my Autism, it's one reason i can get overwhelmed and shit pretty easy, so that's why doing some small things, but complex ones, like cuddle me just how i like, give me hugs and like rub my back and other stuff, stuff that's little things, but are complex that require effort, i notice that, all of it, so if you yell at me by accident or something, get our bed all comfy and bring me close, give me one of my plushies, my baby blanket (i'm childish, i know), and cuddle me, just cuddle me, and like move your hands around and stuff, like really, idk, play into my sense of touch and touch me in all the right places, like rub my back, hold my hips, stroke my sides, stuff like that, because i feel all of that, every bit of it, and i take such a strong notice of that, and it'll just make me melt, and into you, like, idk, if i get a GF, and she finds out this blog is me when i share it with her, and she cuddles me and learns from it and realizes that all this stuff means this much to me, that'd be great, granted i might just tell her but still, for me, idk, i like small, but complex things, like things that show effort, love, caring, and that you want to be close and have a good relationship, like show you're willing to, and will, put work into our relationship, because i keep doubting everything in my life, and if i get a GF and she finds a little way to prove it daily, i am gonna be all over her, and just love her to bits, so yeah. also, one thing i noticed in writing this is that i switched between "if she" and "if you" like i'm talking to my Gf as i write this, idk, just something i just noticed, but anyways, yeah, if i get a GF, there is so many little things that she could do that will make me love her to bits. anyways, sorry for the kinda soppy/mushy entry, and i hope you have a great day/night. to everyone who reads this: i luv you all, and am grateful to have you reading this, it means a lot <3 see you in my next entry : )

12-1-2020 - 12:18 AM


good morning peoples. i woke up at like 7 PM ish, got dinner, then played games until a bit ago, then i did some exercises and was able to do better than before, so improvement is there, and, i'm about to have some more food (i had very little dinner bc i was gaming and tired at the time) but yeah, all is good as of now : ) see you in my next entry, and i'm gonna try and write a longer one next : )

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