November 2020
back to the Index Here and the homepage Here. notable entries are listed next, along with links to future and past entry pages. I hope you enjoy reading these
Future: December 2020 - Past: February-October 2020
Notable Entries:
WIP
11-30-2020 - 9:00 AM
well, a minute ago i was playing online, and i met this pretty nice kid, he was pretty nice, and generally seemed sweet, especially for an 11 year old on GTA 5, so young as hell, and on one of the most toxic games on Xbox one, but hey, he was sweet, so after a while of talking, i thought it was going well, and he just left, dipped out, instantly, and so yeah, idk, but hey, it's whatever, because i was saying how i was a bitch and all that, so i guess he doesn't like that, and hey, that's fine, you can go ahead and not like who i am, i'd rather you leave than stay and be a prick, like most people do, but anyways, idk, it turned out to be a waste of effort to be nice to him and idk, i just thought "well what the hell is the point of socializing?" i mean, at least 90% of people despise my personality, or who i am in some way or another, then 5% are scared of me, creeped out by me, or in general feel like i'm gonna hurt them (granted, that is very justified considering my job in Immortal life as a Bounty Hunter is literally to hunt, kill, and hurt people for money), then another 4% just in general don't click with me, and then 0.5% i could be friends with, then 0.5% i could be really close and good friends with, so out of 7 billion, let's see *types on calculator* the 1% i could be friends with or close friends with is 70,000,000 people, so 70 million, then halve that by ones i could be close with and you have 35,000,000 or 35 million, but let's change that total of 7 billion down by the people i have a chance to meet, say, the population of the place i live (state/province level), then add, hmm, 3 billion to include people i might meet online, so 3 billion plus 4 million (rounded up) is 3,004,000,000, then times that by 0.01 for one percent, equaling 30,040,000, or 30 million and 40 thousand, divide that in half to include the ones i could be really close with and that's 15,020,000 or 15 million and 20 thousand, so yeah, that's 15 million people, but keep in mind, a good few social media influencers have that many people follow them, and that's the amount of people i could meet and be really close friends with, so even with this math, it's slim that i'll find someone, and even then, out of those that i could be close with, probably 1% could be an S/O, but we also need to account for male/female ratios, lemme google that *googles it* it's 101 males to 100 females, so it's about evenly split, so we have out of those close people, that's 15,020,000, divided by, say 2.05 to account for male vs female which gives us 7,326,829, then 1% of them so multiply that by .01%, which gives us 73,268 girls i could have as an S/O, then let's include that they need to be gay, polyamorous, oh, and let's include them needing to be loyal and not sluts or anything, so about 5% of them will be clean, lesbian, and polyamorous, so 3,663 total, and if all this math estimates are in the ballpark, let's say i was too strict, there's only about 4,000 people in this world that could be my S/O that i might actually meet, which is pretty damn slim, and even then, it's all not great because as i said, i'm pretty effed up or in general just someone you do not want to be around, but anyways, yeah, what's the point of trying to socialize if my chances are that slim, and not many people like me anyways, oh, and they need to hit on me first, or be someone i'll feel comfortable hitting on, which will be 90% of what's left, so 3,296 people that could be my S/O. i don't like my odds, and also- wow, just remembered a dream, deja vu, well anyways, but yeah, idk, what's the point of socializing, oh, and then there's a ton of other variables i won't even begin to account for like if i'll still be alive by the time we could meet, and how my emotions are, my bipolar, my mental state, and tons of other shit in my life, so yeah, i have 3,296 people that could be my S/O, then 15,020,000 people that i could be close friends with, so yeah, idk, i'm just in a very antisocial mood, and kinda feeling like "what's the point?" so yeah, anyways, now i'm done with my rant, and am gonna try and make my next post or two a bit less sad/downing/depressing than these past handful, but yeah, see you in my next entry i guess
11-30-2020 - 3:12 AM
sorry about that last entry seeming very "manifesto-like", idk, i was just pretty charged up, yeah. anyways, things are good, i'm good, in general all is well in my life, and idk, i just feel a lot better than last year, honestly i think it's bc i dropped out, which i still am really happy i did because honestly, it's been great for me, it's been really fucking great, it really has, and idk, things have been clicking, i've been doing my jobs like doing Twitch streaming, i've been getting into digital art which i wanted to do for the longest time, and idk, things are just going really well, and i love it, all of it, so yeah, idk, it's just honestly great : ) anyways, see you in my next entry, whoever sees this : )
11-30-2020 - 2:40 AM
hey, so, i'm currently vibing/listening to "Desperado" by Rihanna, the tik tok version, and honestly, i kinda love it lol, idk, the part where it was "there ain't nothing here for me anymore" idk, it resonates with me, and idk, this planet, the people, idk, i'm kinda sick of it tbh, idk, it's just- idk, stale? idk, i just don't like Mortal life, like i can't just let loose and threaten to murder someone very graphically like in Immortal life, like i'd threaten to rip someone's organs out and it wasn't as meaningful/dramatic as it would be in Mortal life, the equivalent level of graphicness and reaction intensity would be threatening to punch someone, like in Immortal life, saying "i'm gonna rip your organs out you son of a bitch!!!" has about the same intensity as if you said in Mortal life "i'm gonna punch your lights out!", and also, if i threaten to hunt someone, they know i'll be honorable, and i'll give them a chance to run and shit, and if i threaten to hunt someone down, it's more me saying "if i ever see you again, i swear to god ________" and insert a series of threats and very graphic things in that blank, but in Mortal life, that is *says in exaggerated and jeering tone* oh, so very awful, and so, so inappropriate, and "not right" and "very bad" and so "very wrong" *back to normal voice* it's just so fucking annoying, like people, chill tf out, and don't take shit so seriously, now, threats to torture someone, those are a bit more next level, and torture is considered a last resort/emergency method in Immortal life too, so i completely understand if i threaten to torture someone - casually, angrily, and/or graphically - they'll freak out, and get upset and be scared relatively, but like, chill out, i'm not gonna get up right now and do it, if i was that pissed i'd just kill you, because torture just drags things out, it makes things last, and it's just so boring, like i would so much rather use my time running down leads, hunting people, killing people, as oppose to torturing some motherfucker for days, weeks, or even months on end, it's bring. now, the the list of shit that is wrong in Immortal life are things like Rape, molestation, trafficking, etc, those are very wrong, and i never have, and never, ever will, engage in those activities, ever, and i hate anyone who does those, because physical pain and physical shit, that's not long lasting in Immortal life, and in Mortal life, it'll leave some scars, so what, get a couple skin grafts, and it's over, but those other things like rape, molestation, etc, those are all very traumatizing things, and will last all their life, and are wrong, but short term shit like scars and stuff healing, that's maybe 5 years in Mortal life? so what, that'll fly by, and if i do ever end up hurting someone bad, i'll leave them money and a note saying "get some skin grafts, and try _______" and in that blank leave ways for them to recover faster, and better, because i'm not an animal, if i torture someone it's gonna be for good reason, and i'm gonna give them the resources they need to have a good life, and recover, because loyalty is hard to come by, i respect it, and torture is only if you're loyal enough that i need to torture to get information, but i respect you and where you place your loyalties, having strong ones are even more respectable from me, so if i do have to do that one day, i'll make sure they get the resources they need to move on and live a full, and happy life, and check on them once they heal, maybe leave them a note saying i respect them, and was giving them those resources and all that, stuff like that, so they know i do only as much as i have to, no more, no less. i'm evil, sadistic, murderous, and generally fucked up, yes, that's all a definite, but i'm not a monster, i'm just strong willed, committed, driven, and have a strong stomach to do what it takes to effect change, changes that nobody else is willing to do, either in public, or from the shadows. i'm also building an assassin organization, called Ze Karashines, or ZK, and one day that name will be known by the FBI, INTERPOL, and every intelligence agency in the world, and the entire world too, because what we're gonna do is we're gonna hunt down evil people, pedophiles, rapists, corrupt members of governments, and one day hopefully take down cartels, from the top down, cut off the heads of as many snakes in this world that we can, both in our home country, and others, but we're gonna do it justified, just as i operate in Immortal life as a Bounty Hunter, so every life we take, every kill we make, it's all gonna be justified, every bit of it, and we're gonna leave a stamp on the person's body somewhere with a ZK emblem, stating it was us that was there, that killed them, along with a manilla folder of every single thing the legal system would need to put them in jail, and face justice, the only difference is that our is more swift, harder, more cruel, and goes outside the bounds that other people are willing to go, not tied to any government, or country, but as a rogue element, a Dark Horse if you will, working from the shadows to serve the light, which is the definition of what a Jarashi is, which a Jarashi is an Immortal word, it's Zukartian, it means a "group, set, collective, or siblinghood of people, all working together towards a common goal, enemy, target, or objective, to kill, terminate, win over, convert, or affect in some way that aligns with their desires, wants, and/or needs" but there is a second definition, which is "a siblinghood of assassins working from the shadows, to serve the light". that definition is a much lesser known one, and only those who are fluent in Zukartian will know it, but that's what Ze Karashines will be, a siblinghood, tightly knit, all working from the shadows to serve the light. for example, if there's a new modern day version of Hitler rising to power, we're gonna put a bullet in his head before any country can get a single troops within a hundred miles of him, and we're gonna get in, get out, all long before they can get there, so all they'll find is a ZK logo, and a folder of justification, and we'll also torture him if he has any information that may prove useful, and we'll leave a copy of it there as well, so anyone coming can have that, and not be on our ass. sorry if this sounds like a sort of manifesto so to speak, it wasn't my intention of doing so, i just wanted to vent that, let it out into the world, idk, just so people know to keep an eye on the news, and see that what we do is good, if they do see anything, idk, but yeah.
11-29-2020 - 6:18 AM
well, the site is coming together, i've added more information, and more stuff, and i'm really liking it, it's coming together. i just want to say thank you to anyone who reads this, it means a lot, and i thank you <3
11-29-2020 - 5:23 AM
well, a friend of mine isn't messaging, so that's great, granted someone from her past came in to her life again, met her at the place she works at. apparently he hurt her real bad in the past, and now he sent her a long and graphic text saying that he'd hunt her down and hurt her even worse than before, and he'd fucking kill her if she tried to stop him or "even dared to try" as she put it, so i'm just hoping that the reason she isn't texting is bc she's upset about shit regarding him, or that he was brought back to life and needs to be killed again, and i say that because i killed him, gorily, and painfully, multiple times by reversing time, and finally killed him in a house fire and destroyed his entire house, and i admit to that, hence why i haven't given my name, or his, or hers in this entry, because i'm literally admitting to murder, and i own that, he's an evil bastard, and deserved it, and i'll stand by that if the FBI somehow find this, but hey, it's whatever. anyways, i'm hoping she's just upset about what happened and needs a break, but i'm also worried about him hurting her, and i'm also worried that somehow i didn't finish him off when i killed him, because if he's somehow alive and hurt her, it's my fault, and that's why i make sure that what i kill is the real thing, and is definitely dead, and not many people have the power to reincarnated a human, but i made sure he died, that's 100% sure, i also buried his bones and shit a hundred feet below ground, along with his house, so there's no traceable remains, or trace of him, but anyways, i just hope that she's ok, and that she's just going through a hard time and needed a break, but it's been 8 days since that was taken care of, and she has gotten online since then. i just hope she's ok, and that if he is alive somehow she doesn't blame me, idk, i just hope she's ok, and he's definitely dead. and sorry if this is kinda creepy or scary, idk, i'm just hella calm about this and it tends to scare people or creep them out, so i'm sorry if you're scared by this, but as i said, this site is no holds barred, so, i mean, yeah.
11-29-2020 - 12:48 AM
well, the site got a new domain name! you can still view it as the old one, but now the new one - www.akasis-words.com - works like a charm, and it's a lot easier to share than the googlesites.whatever.com lol, so now if you do ever want to share, it's a lot easier to type now, and can actually be pretty easily done on a computer, phone, tablet, whatever keyboard, but hey, if you're just here for the read, and don't want to share, it's ok, i just made this site for fun, to vent, and just as something to do in my spare time, not to become some big blog or some huge site or anything, now yeah, if one day i got maybe 5 patreon supporters, and a few dozen daily views, that would be great, i would be so happy with that, but that's years off most likely, if it even does ever happen, but hey, it's whatever, i'm just thankful for the handful of you that are reading this : ) thank you for reading, and i'm gonna play GTA 5 now, so i'll see you in my next entry whoever reads this : )
11-28-2020 - 11:54 PM
welp, it's been a while since my last post, and i'm sorry for not posting, this week has been crazy, and i've had a lot going on, but i'm gonna try writing in this more and being more active. i know this is short, but i just wanted to let anyone who reads this know that i'm ok, alive, and all good.
11-23-2020 - 2:14 AM
well, i'm off the suicidal desire, so i can safely say i'm not gonna kms, but cut more on the other hand? idk, maybe, but i'm still sad as hell, oh, and i realized that if i do a few things wrong, and a staff treats me like this for shit i did months ago, then i'm gonna leave the server, so i did, and removed all but 1 friend that is in it, and i doubt she even wants to be my friend, so i might have nobody left, just like the last time this happened. love how shit things can go in a matter of an hour. anyways, i'm gonna post later today hopefully, or i'm going to sleep all day because i'm depressed, or i might stay up all night and feel my thighs sting all day because of me cutting, idk, i guess we'll see where it goes, but hey, looks like the places that i am welcome are steadily disappearing, and i have nowhere IRL i'm welcome, and there's COVID too, so hey, if i run out of places on this planet that i'm welcome, i'm just gonna KMS and go back to Immortal life, don't worry though, i'll keep up the blog and shit if i do, and i'll also come back to earth to visit my friends and stuff, how few of them i may have. oh, speaking of my blog here, that staff from the discord server also said that i couldn't have it linked in my custom status because it "mentions sensitive topics", like really bitch? god if they saw it now that i've made 2 posts about how they made me feel so shit i said fuck it to my one month clean streak and cut, but oh, wait, they're not gonna revisit it because the only visited it once to see if they could give me shit for having it linked, and they did, so they're not gonna know how much i hate them and how they made me feel, when all my stuff was complete miscommunications, and unintended problems that were relatively mild in my opinion, now i might be a bit biased, so unintentional problems that were all because of me miscommunicating, so yeah, just goes to show how many staff and such have it out for me, and how many people hate me. now, to be clear, i'm not blaming them for my self harming or any of that, that was my choice, however blinded my emotion it was, it was my choice, but i blame them for making me feel shit, and making me feel like i couldn't speak up about them upsetting me because they said an issue was about "attention seeking behavior towards staff members", and they're staff, and seemed to not give half a shit about me, so i kept my mouth shut as i cried and debated self harm and leaving the server, and eventually lost it and did self harm and eventually leave. if i ever re join that server, it's because that staff is banned, or gone, or at very least no longer staff. love how many people hate me just for trying to be who i am, and for my miscommunications, love it, just fucking great. anyways, i'm sorry for the twice in a row depressing posts, i'll try and make the next one a lighter mood
11-23-2020 - 1:30 AM
well, i'm now wide awake. i got scolded by a staff on one of my discord servers that i'm a member of, and i started getting pretty damn sad, and then i eventually got to wanting to self harm, and that's why i'm wide awake, because my thighs are bleeding, and there goes my one month streak, there goes all of it, because one staff just scolded and yelled at me bad enough, and drew it out. i'm even bordering on wanting to KMS right now, and funny, today was going great, i got the tablet i wanted, and it'll be here friday, i got a great dinner, i watched a ton of Netflix and got a lot done on my video games, and then i met an asshole online, got sad, then went on tiktok trying to sleep and couldn't, then went on discord only to chat for a bit and get yelled at by a staff member, who now has me crying, bleeding, and anxious on my side of the screens, so yay me. does anyone know how to tie a noose? because i am really wanting to KMS, but a knife to the throat seems a tad too painful right now. love how everything is just a sick game of who's gonna hurt me next, and what's today's reason to KMS and self harm be, god a fucking love it! not. if i don't write an entry by the end of the week, i'm probably dead, and i'm sorry for that, but i am near breaking for fuck sake. i hate Mortal life, i fucking hate it! i just want to fucking end this Mortal life and get back to my Immortal one.
11-19-2020 - 5:34 PM
sorry for not posting yesterday, another Alter was in control and i was taking a leave of absence to get myself together a bit (essentially a mental health break into the inner world). so, i'm writing tbh because i need to vent. so i fed [54;49.56;49.48;51], my pet frog a minute ago, and i just was sitting there, watching her walk & hop around her vivarium, and be calm and content on a full belly, and i could tell she is, and has been sad about her playmate and sister, [49.56;50.54;49.49;49.49;49.52;49.57] passing away, and i just got so upset because i still haven't buried [49.56;50.54;49.49;49.49;49.52;49.57] since she passed, and she passed in like July or early August, but it still hurts, and she was a pet frog, not a Human or anything, a pet frog, but i just- i miss her and loved her so goddamn much, and for a while, the only reason i didn't kms was to keep them alive, because my parents don't remember them enough, not nearly enough to keep them alive, and i doubt they'd remember to give them water either, so for a time there, [49.56;50.54;49.49;49.49;49.52;49.57] and [54;49.56;49.48;51] were my two little hopping reasons to live, and i just- now without [49.56;50.54;49.49;49.49;49.52;49.57], i just- it hurts so goddamn much, i know i still have [54;49.56;49.48;51], but i just- it hurts like hell, and i loved [49.56;50.54;49.49;49.49;49.52;49.57] so fucking much, and i still love [54;49.56;49.48;51] to bits. it just hurts, and i just- i have so few things to care about in my life, i mean honestly, i do have my huge collection of buds (stuffed animals/plushies), but i just- i haven't gotten a new one in so long, and i need to keep getting new ones to keep clinging to, if they're gonna help me. luckily i have a new one coming tomorrow, she'll be the biggest one yet and 5 feet tall, so she'll be perfect to cuddle with, so i'll be able to cling to her strongly. i just hope she comes in early afternoon, because i really need a new bud, so bad, because in the fall all my usual anxiety, bipolar, and depression get the winter time steroids and cause me to just fucking break down, lose my shit, and barely keep myself alive, let alone together, let alone functioning as properly as i can be with all my mental disorders and stuff. i just hope this new bear will be good enough to keep me together, otherwise i'll try and get a new one sometime soon, maybe on a trip with my grandma for christmas shopping (for others and to treat myself before the holidays). but i think she'll be enough. i'm trying to stay positive, or at least stable and realistic (not too positive or down and sad), and use this site as a way to vent all my shit, and keep myself okay
11-17-2020 - 4:43 PM
well, apparently [49.54;54;50.53] has blocked me. so, i text her saying i feel like she's leaving again bc i was sad and didn't want to lose her and all that, and then she calls me "sweetie" of all things, and says that i'm "too much to handle" and that "she doesn't have the capacity to handle my bs", yeah, okay bitch, you said just days ago you wanted to help me more and be here for me more and stuff now that your mental health was improving, and now you're saying you can't handle me? yeah, ok, so you lied, so i told her to block me because an ex friend said damn near the same thing to me when they left, so that stung like hell, and she just said "k bye", so she gave up, like wtf, you said you'd be here for me and not leave and shit, and hell you even promised, and managed to convince me that you would stay, and i trusted you, like no. so i took a breath as i stared at my knife deciding if i should use it, and for self harm or to train to kill people with it, then put it down (strongly leaning towards harming others and training to do so) and remembered her concussion, which gave her temporary, episodes, shall we say, and so i figured it could just be an extreme lapse of judgement, maybe her BF broke up with her or some shit, because i want to believe that she doesn't actually mean those messages, and that she was just having a major lapse in judgement, so i went to say "sorry for being so rude about what i said, but is this one of your, episodes?" and it gave me an error message saying she blocked me. apparently she gave up on me, just fucking gave up, and to think, we were supposed to meet up this past weekend but had a bit of an argument/rough patch, and i was gonna start a go fund me for her and i to get a house to get her away from her shit parents, i was gonna do so much, and planned to buy her a freaking $50 etsy gift card for christmas, the most expensive on my entire list, and look at this, low and behold, she just blocks me, after all that, after all those words, turns out they were just lies, and it's my fault for believing her, it really is, i'm a Bounty Hunter in Immortal life, i'm better than this, but nope, i wanted to be close so desperately, that i didn't recognize how bad it would be to have and keep her in my life. i'm done with her, she can block me, but i swear if she unblocks me and tries messaging, i am gonna give her one warning before i act nasty, and i know she sometimes reads this, so, this section in [-]'s is to you [49.54;54;50.53]: [-] if you unblock me and message me, i am gonna give you one warning then, but consider this a preemptive one: if you ever try and message me again, try to rekindle this friendship, you are gonna have a lot to do before i no longer want to punch you in the face, and walk away, and if you only knew how much i cared for you, how much i thought you were serious about chosen family like i was, so i swear to god, this is the end of us, this bridge is burned, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot to rebuild even half of it. [-] it's like she doesn't even care, and i think she got mad about me saying on here she might be lying about helping a family friend, and that's why things went sour, but you know what, i don't care, this site is the real, uncensored me, without the keeping shit from people, without me controlling my emotions, without me holding back, and yes, i will have some restraint, like the amount of awful curse words i want to call her, bitch being among them, i'm not gonna list them off, because 1: i know she has sensitive mental health, and as much as i would love one punch to her face once before i never see her again, i don't want her to go back to self harm and that other shit she used to do, and 2: i don't want to ruin her life because she was nice to me, and this is partly my fault for trusting her and believing her, so that warning, calling her a bitch, and saying i would love one last punch, that's as much as i'll say, and i mean all of it. and to think she asked me to protect her from he father or mother if needed, well, to her: [-] i hope your BF can do that, and is as close, because i don't care if he's about to beat you in seconds if and when you ask for help, you burned this bridge when i was saying i missed you and didn't want to lose you, you lost me, and you can have your own damn life without me in it. [-] and yes, i know that's harsh to say i don't care, but when someone blocks me, i lose caring for them. now, i'm gonna stop here, and go to some good news a few lines down, and i'm sorry for the relative pissiness and ragey bullshit of this entry
so, my father got me the teddy bear, and i think that we actually fixed some things about him and I's relationship, so i guess we're going in the right direction, and it'll be here friday : ) i can't wait, and at least i have something good this week considering what's above, but hey, now that i let that off my chest, i'm gonna just forget [49.54;54;50.53] existed, and try to be happy, positive, move on, just like i always do. thank you for reading this long and pretty painful to read entry through to the end, and i will see you in my next entry <3
11-16-2020 - 2:01 AM
well, as per usual my "mother" is drunk in the living room, as she is every night, so i go to ask for her credit card to buy something on my Xbox, and mind you, i have that much money in my allowance, more than enough actually, and the only reason i asked so late is because it's on sale and the deal might be ending at midnight california time, aka in 2 hours, or tomorrow night midnight, so i ask her for it and explain all this, and that i'd remove it right after and she says no and i ask for a reason twice before i get an actual reason and she says "because it's my money" like bitch, i have that much in my allowance, so if you won't buy me shit when i have enough, then stop giving it to me, and i'll stop doing chores. anyways, she then says that i'm "relentless" because apparently (i think), earlier asking my "father" for the teddy bear, which apparently he explained to her that i was saving for it, not asking for an advance, so clearly i'm not getting it, so that's great, anyways, she's acting like a bitch (the usual tones, hand movements, etc, etc) and so i flip her off and say "fuck you" as i start walking away and as i walk away she says "yeah, love you too" to which i reply to her "stop it, just stop pretending to care, because every fucking time you say that i know it's a total fucking lie, so just stop saying it altogether" and she says "sure, no problem". so now i officially have no relationship with her at all, so i'm just gonna stop caring for her at all, and if she has a problem with that, then she can go ahead and stop drinking except on saturday night when her and my "father" stay up late, and she can start being nice to me. wow, i just realized i can officially say my mother is a drunk. wow. well at least if i was still in high school and got teased about it i would say to them "no no, every insult to her is a compliment, keep them coming, i hate the bitch". god hate her, i mean she treats me like trash, at least my "father" is relatively fair most of the time, but she's just always a bitch. god i hate her. also, on another note, her saying that it's her money might mean that she's spending all her money on alcohol (i have seen her bringing home more), so hey, if she runs herself broke from spending it on alcohol, then great, but if she gets worse and this shit gets to be more of a problem then i'm putting a lock on the alcohol and giving my father the code so only he can access it, and i'm also gonna call the cops or some intervention service on her, see how she likes it when i hated it (bit of long overdue revenge and then maybe they'll do something to get her to stop). oh, and another thing, she only started being more of a drunk once i came out as trans and lesbian and all that, so hey, that's great. not. god i hate her. and to everyone on the outside world my life probably seems good and normal, i mean i have a phone, xbox, decent computer, and all that, but at the cost of a drunk "mother", pretty shit "father", extended family that never really seems to care about me, a sister that lives thousands of miles away in another fucking state and never texts me and never has time and can't spend any quality time with me, and then aside from all that, there's a long list of people in the world who hate me for being LGBTQ+ and i get hate in my online life, oh, and i have a lot of mental disorders and such and even if all those issues didn't exist and i had a perfect life then i'd still have those issues from the mental stuff too, so yay, i can never live a happy life, and you wonder why i haven't killed myself yet? well i've tried and gotten stopped by my Immortal friends and stuff, and so now i have a deal with myself, wait until an organization/project of mine is started and going, or until after i start hormones, then re evaluate my list of reasons to or not to kill myself (currently at 1 reason to not kill myself and 33 to kill myself). so yeah, the shit that goes on in the background. if i ever get tf out of this situation i'm gonna be so much happier.
11-15-2020 - 5:00 AM
well, yesterday in the evening, [49.54;54;50.53] said that she had been helping a family friend, so i guess that might or might not be a lie, but i guess i'll see. until then, in other news, i asked my "father" for a teddy bear that i have wanted for a bit over a week now, maybe a bit over 2 weeks, and i explained myself and all that, and asked if he saw my text about asking for it, and he said yes, so i guess i'll see if he'll get me it. another reason i asked is because at the time i was 24 days clean from cutting, so i figured i kinda deserve something, especially something like a teddy bear which will remind me to stay clean, and help me stay clean, and i sent him the screenshot of the app i have that tracks it (it's called "I Am Sober" on the play store and Appstore), so from his emotionless "yeah" when i asked if he saw the text, i'm probably not getting it, or anything like it, because he probably doesn't give a shit. and the funny thing is how he pretends to give a shit, like when i used to cut a lot, he would take my knives away, but then when i'm clean and ask for something like this he doesn't give a shit? won't even say "when you reach a month clean, then sure" or anything, just doesn't care, like he only gives a shit if there's a problem, he never cares if i do good, or he never cares anywhere near as much, like the only times he gives me attention (i am an attention seeker but this isn't what i mean), is when i do something wrong, or there's an issue, or it's something negative, but when i'm almost a month clean he doesn't say "good job" or "i'm proud of you". not that i want his pride, but at least a fucking "good job" would go a long way towards me thinking he cares about me. idk, it's just such bullshit, and i know he has bipolar and can't help his emotions when he gets mad and upset with me, and he has depression, but even a "good job" or something over text, or giving me a goal for me to get the bear, or something, i just- something positive, instead of the constant levels of bullshit, problems, nagging, and mistreatment, like ffs, he gets on my ass if i leave a couple bottles and a handful of candy wrappers, and a bowl in the basement for a day or two, and doesn't say "hey, when you come up, just grab some stuff from the basement" or somehting when i go down there, or he sees me watching tv, no, he gets on my ass all pissy and tells me to do it now, like what the fuck? it's a bowl, some wrappers, and a couple things of recycling. wrappers in bowl, bottles under arm, carry it up and put it in its respective place, done, not like 5 trips of dishes or something, like it's just bullshit, like he expects me to keep things perfect, and the stupid thing is that he says all the time "i don't expect you to be perfect, just considerate of others" and shit, but no, he gets on my ass and is disrespectful to me and inconsiderate of me when i leave a couple things out. i swear to god if he says "i raised you to be better than this" to me one day i am gonna go off, let loose, all of this, tell him about my diary, and tell him that all that talk about being respectful, grateful, and all that shit was just that, talk, and that if he "raised me to be better" he would have done that shit himself, now, i have respect, and am considerate of others, just sure as hell not towards them because i have tried it, then i let one thig slip and they treat me the opposite, and then he also talks about give and take, and shit like that, like bitch, i have tried, you're just the definition of hypocrite, and a total asshole! god i fucking hate him, and it's rants like these that remind me that i have immense self control, because of how badly i want to stab him to death, slowly, and painfully. and you're probably wondering: if Akasi has self control, then why doesn't she control her actions and tries to act hos her father expects even though he's an asshole? well, the answer is that i have self control, but i'm not gonna give people something they don't deserve, whether that be torturing bounty targets in Immortal life in certain ways or others (like if one raped a girl, i'll hurt him way worse and way slower because he deserves that to make up for the amount of trauma that girl now has to remember, but if he only stole money from corporations that have tons of it and did minor damage i'll just kill him because it's just an annoying thing to a lot of those people, so tons of annoyance and one death is comparable), or respecting those depending upon how much - or how little - they show me (like my father deserves none and shows me disrespect very often, but some of my friends are super respectful, and super nice, and 100% deserve respect), so, yes i have self control, but also self respect. anyways, i'm done with my rant i guess, and sorry for a more "pissy little bitch" type entry, but yeah, i'll see you in my next entry
(P.S. i acknowledge that this started out as me slightly sad and annoyed my "father" wouldn't get me a teddy bear for being self harm free for 24 days and then turned into a full on rant about him, and yes i hate him that much)
11-14-2020 - 2:00 PM
welp, [49.54;54;50.53] said yesterday after all that to text her today, so i did, and she hasn't even read it, so i guess my questioning why try if the person is just gonna leave in the end is pretty justified, and to think she just came back a handful of days ago, and it looks like she may have already left.... love how i keep proving myself right when friends leave, and proving them promising to not leave and such wrong...... i'm going to bed, i guess i might update this if [49.54;54;50.53] texts before i go to sleep, otherwise add an entry tomorrow.... see you in my next entry whoever reads this........
11-13-2020 - 10:27 AM
well, [49.54;54;50.53] and i were talking and i just told her about something i'd been keeping from her that would have caused an argument and i knew it, and sure enough, she got upset with me, of course, because what else would happen? then i said in a super unsure way i needed space, and she has seen me ask for space before, i say it definitively, clearly, and give a date to text me on, not "i think i might need space" which is what i said, so then i put "....." and said "how little you know me" and so she instantly knew it was a test, and then went on about how it's not fair, and all that, when she has seen how i do things, how i talk, and i just- if she would just pay slightly more attention to me and how i speak, then things would go beautifully, i mean, hell, i wish she'd test me sometime, and speak off purposely, and see if i pick up on it, which i am pretty sure i would, if she does it like i do and purposely speaks off or different than she usually does. so then after that she slowed down and i explained myself, then gave up because what's the point, nobody gives half a shit about me, or will cling to me, or ask me to stay, or anything, nothing, when i care so goddamn much about them, like does nobody care as much as i do? do i need to stop caring for people nearly as much so then i'm putting in equal effort? like what the hell! i put so much work into friendships, all of it, so much fucking work, and i just- why do i even fucking try anymore......... oh, i know, because i keep hoping that one day i will find someone who cares about me as much as i care about them, and hell, i dropped out of highschool partly for the free time, of which can be used to help friends, and be here for them, be that one friend that has way too much free time and is always willing to help, and that you can count on, i wanted to be that friend, and i just- there's a part of me that regrets dropping out, because i lost friends since then, and haven't made many new ones........ my point is, i partly dropped out to be here for my friends, and now i'm realizing in my free time that they don't care nearly as much about me as i care about them, and i'm questioning if it was worth it to make them in the first place, let alone drop out, and try to be here for them....... at least i have a therapist appointment today, so that's good....... i'll see you in my next entry.......
11-13-2020 - 3:05 AM
well, i just woke up, and i've been exercising recently, and in general trying to work out a bit, and so it's been super satisfying, but it's also been bringing my metabolism up, which is great, but right now i am feeling the bad side of that. see, i'm used to starving myself, and in general, not really eating, but this morning, i am feeling really not okay, and the funny thing is that last night i ate two sandwiches, footlongs, from subway, and am already running on fumes this morning, like wtf? and so i am feeling so, so, so not okay, and my whole body is just giving me a middle finger right now, and i also feel like if i eat anything i'll puke, so i'm having a small thing of mac and cheese, and this morning can go one of 2 ways: i puke, and get sick because of something (most likely not covid, i haven't been farther than halfway across the lawn to the road since it hit), or, i get some food in me, relax, and my body chills tf out, and i just have a shitty morning until my body un-fucks itself. this should be fun, and if i don't write another entry for a while, i'm either having a good morning, and everything is fine, and am getting caught up in enjoying it, or i'm sick and can't write, but by this evening i'll write an entry, guaranteed, so, i'll end things here. see you in my next entry : ) <3 and to someone i love, thank you for trying so hard to be my friend, and knowing the real me. you know who you are <3
11-12-2020 - 6:43 PM
welp, i just woke up, and i slept pretty okay. you know, yesterday, i found my old school's "going away book" of pictures and shit and it was all in my deadname, but i still read it, and it was hard, but i did read it, and i did like some of the notes, like ones that were more feminine and such, but anyways, it had pictures of old teachers, including the 2 aids that i had sexual fantasies about [insert facepalm emoji here], god that was, well, fun to remember if you know what i mean lol, but yeah, i was a weird kid, especially bc i wanted to be friends with the older girl aids than the kids my age or the teachers, like i hated the kids in my class most of the time, or at least disliked them. i've always liked older people, and the times i get attracted to a girl my age are pretty damn slim, but a girl in her 20's? i'm all over that, yes. idk, i never like people my age, they're too rowdy, too energetic, to out of control, too, what's the word, hmmm, "head in the clouds" is the only phrase i can think of to describe them, and that's just as friends, then for dating? hell no, they're way too "excited" shall we say {something happened IRL here as i typed that i'll explain in a minute} and they're not looking for something long-term, they're disloyal, they are looking for "fun" when i'm looking for something long lasting, to be together for years, i'm looking for a girl to marry after we're together for long enough, not to break up with nastily after a year and a half like the kids my age want, whereas these girls in their 20's and older want marriage, they want commitment, they want serious, deep, loving, connected, close relationships, and better yet, most of them are polyamorous like me, and want to have 2 or 3 GF's, and they want the relationship where everybody loves everybody, like me, where i love the other 2, the other 2 love me, and each other, and just, nobody my age wants that, nobody, and if they do, then they're still way too much of what i said earlier for me to date that, and for me, it's not even if you're super attractive, if anything i'd rather you're not like that because i'm a really aggressive person and if someone hits on you i am more than likely going to hit them in the face, or make out in front of you, and then if you toy with them i'd be worrying about your loyalty, and my point is that it would be a mess. now, some of the things i like are black hair, like dark black, and freckles, like a little bit of them, yes, yes, yes, kiss me lol, but like, idk, my point is that there are so many kinds of girls, and i am waaaaaaay too much of a lesbian lol, and want things that a lot, or none, of the people my age want. now, to explain that {} thing that happened, my mother came in and asked me what i want from subway for dinner, and yes, i do hate her sometimes, but only when she's drunk, or being a bitch (drunk is only at night usually, and she's just out of it and a bit more bitchy), but otherwise, when she's behaving, she's nice, fair, and good, but my father however? hell no, hate him 90% of the time. but anyways, i ordered and that was great, so now i get subway for dinner, so yay! anyways, i'll see you in my next entry : )
11-12-2020 - 8:13 AM
*says in sarcastic, insane, and very sadistically fucked up tone* well, good times, i got accused of guilt tripping people again! yay!!!!! i oh, so love being accused of showing emotion, and doing everything wrong, it just makes my day! *back to normal tone* it's been months since i was accused of that or did that or anything, and now i'm doing it again apparently, so yeah, that's great. not. this is why i have this public diary/blog, because then i can be myself, vent, and not have to suppress how i really act, and everything so then i can "fit in" or "be accepted", because the amount of habits i have had to break just to be able to make friends has been so many, and the ones to be able to keep them? so many more, to list a few things i did that were bad enough to make me not able to make, let alone keep friends:
1: i would say my emotions and how i felt and what i was thinking in a way that apparently guilt tripped people - now i suppress that and my emotions and just stop talking
2: i acted sad, and showed my real, true emotions - now i just hide my emotions and/or shut down
3: i would tell people i self harmed or that i wanted to - now i just have stopped reaching out to people for help - this also got the cops called on me once by an ex-friend [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54], and once sent to the ER where i lied to that therapist because i was not going to get admitted, and was damn near ready to lose my shit and run for the door, because i was way too uncomfortable.
4: i would ask people to vent to them - i still do this but i make damn sure to not mention anything that would cause an issue or make me lose them
so now, i just hide all those parts of myself, bottling it all up, not letting anyone see it, and i hide it, and if someone asks to get to know the real me, i refuse, or constantly remind them they won't like the real me, and still, some people insist, but you know what? all of them left, every single one of them, because nobody cares about me, nor can handle me, not if i'm being the real me anyways, so i suppress all this shit about me, and all these traits about my personality, all these things i used to do, simply because, well, nobody likes them, and i hate being accused of guilt tripping them and stuff, i hate it actually, and i just- i hate it, so much, especially how they word it, like this rude, almost angry way like "ok, Akasi, seriously, i need you to stop guilt tripping me" and shit, like, that just makes me feel worse, and then sometimes if i'm already upset i've self harmed over that accusation, and shit, and i just- if they would word it like "hun, the way you said _____ seemed like you were trying to guilt trip me, and it did guilt trip me" or whatever, then i'd take it better, and the way i "guilt trip people" is completely fucking unintentional, 100% accident, and for months, i had no fucking clue what it was that i was saying, and one of the friends that "blocked me for her mental health" told me as one of her final messages, so the only way i found out was after it was too late, like will nobody give me any fucking feedback until they're cutting me out of their life? like why the hell! it's not fucking fair and nobody gives enough of a damn to try and hep me change or even give me a fucking chance! like everyone says they care, and they're not gonna leave and shit, but everyone else i have met has said that, some even dozens of times, and they left, still, some even said it less than a week before i was blocked!!!! like i just-
nobody gives a shit about me, nobody cares, and sure as hell nobody will just accept me for who i am, and if i'm doing something wrong, they won't fucking tell me what it is, and so now, i just have this habit of with every friend i have, i suppress the parts of me they don't like, so technically nobody knows the real me because of all these people that fucked me up, and hell, nobody knows this, and normally i'd say this to a friend or something, tell them, but no, they wouldn't care, and if they care, they'll actually have enough sense to realize it's me, your friend Akasi, and that this is an alias for who i am, because if they know me, then they could easily ask "hey, is this you?" and i would reply honestly, but none of them care enough, and i know that i want this to remain a secret, the fact that i am who i am, and that they know me and shit, and that i'm not some random chick or whatever, but there are some things i wish they knew, so, so desperately, but will never tell them because as i have said before, nobody likes the true, real, genuine me, and if they did, i'd have followers and tons of people on my google analytics stats for this site, not the maybe 1 user a month that i get currently. i just wish some people would be willing to know, accept, and love the real me, not the fake me that suppresses whatever i need to make them like me, and know how fucking broken, and fucked i am on the inside, and how much of who i am is fake to them because they wouldn't like the real me, now, it is kind of their fault, because at first, i act like the real me, figure out what aspects of me they don't like, kinda show who i am fully and let out all aspects, then the ones they don't like, i suppress while talking to that person, like [50.53;49.56;54;49.57;49.52] doesn't like the murderous, sadistic, out of control, destructive, dangerous, mean, threatening, creepy, and evil aspects of my personality, so i suppress those when i'm around her, and [49.54;54;49.48] doesn't like the emotional, super motherly, overly caring, Immortal life, weird, attention seeking aspects about me so i suppress those when i'm around her, and so everything about me is a facade, everything, and nobody knows the real me, except me, and those are just scratching the surface of who i am, and i just- i don't know...... sorry for the relatively depressing/sad entry, but, yeah, that person accusing me of guilt tripping brought a lot of very emotionally charged memories for me........ see you in my next entry, whoever reads this.....
11-12-2020 - 7:24 AM
welp, someone i am kinda close to doesn't know who i am even though i have my ways and know she checked this site out, and read stuff from here, so, the secret among my friends stays hidden. if only they knew. you know, if they get attached to the real me, the one i act like on this site i might tell them, but hey, not for a while, besides, i doubt my friends will like me with the amount of stuff i suppress, and how much more restraint and control i act like i have over my bipolar, but on here, i can vent it all, say it all, with no repercussions, no punishments, nothing, all me, just me, raw, with no suppressing parts of my personality, no acting like someone i'm not, nothing, no pretending as if i have self-control, no pretending as if i'm stable, or ok, or a good person, nothing, none of that, i can be my true self, and no pretending to be okay when i'm not either, none of it, and i can be myself, my true self. i don't know, but hey, if i do tell my friends, i'll be sure to let you know whoever reads this. to my friends: i love you so much, you mean a lot to me, and are my reason to live, and keep going, thank you. see you at my next entry : )
11-12-2020 - 5:33 AM
so, i've been up all night (yes my sleep schedule is fucked lol), and so i watched this movie called "Annihilation" and it just- it was really good, and it just left me with this odd, calm, but yet, idk, fluid, feeling? i don't know how else to describe it, and i just- i don't know, and so i tried doing a classic Yilkitch Form, which is a movement set that you perform according to what you are feeling, and let your movements show how you feel, and what i do is leave Energy trails where my hands move, and i have done this in a holo-scape, which is basically a hella advanced 3d hologram (Immortal tech is fun), but i usually do it with just Energy, and so this time, idk, i just- idk, i was really calm oddly, and idk, emotions and bipolar are fucking whack lmfao. idk, i'll see you soon, and will add another entry later today. bye for now to anyone who reads this i guess
11-11-2020 - 7:18 PM
well, it seems that [49.54;54;50.53]'s boyfriend is completely clean on the database, so i guess i have nothing to worry about? idk, i'm still gonna keep an eye on him, make sure he's not gonna hurt her, because it's my job to protect my sis, because her parents sure as hell ain't, they'll just end up hurting her because apparently her dad has gotten aggressive, and not just when he's drunk, and she asked me to be ready to come down to her house, pick her up, and protect her, so i'm glad that she told me, but i just worry about her a lot, you know? idk, she is a year older than me, but still, i want to protect her and care for her, even if she is older than me. also, if you've been reading my posts and have been keeping up with my site, then you know i encode names, and now, since i'm gonna start getting more personal, i'm going to use a new encoding method, and start replacing old encoded names with my new ones, but don't worry, it's just the codes that are changing, simply to make it harder to track me down, and figure out who i am, that's all, besides, i may end up talking about some less-than-legal shit on here and want it to be hard for the cops to figure it out if this does end up getting to them.
11-11-2020 - 6:57 PM
welp, i did not expect to be back again so damn soon lol, but, here goes. so i have been talking with my sister, [49.54;54;50.53], and she has this boyfriend, and idk, he seems nice, and good, but i have this feeling he's, idk, i have this feeling he has some sort of dark past or something, or that he has some darkness to him, and so i'm checking the sex offender registry, because those things are some of the relatively few crimes i can't forgive, the ones that land you on there. i hope it comes up empty, and that he isn't on there, but if he is, well, then i'm gonna have some issues, and i'm gonna tell [49.54;54;50.53], but if he isn't, then that's great, and i'm just gonna leave this be, but hey, we'll see.
11-11-2020 - 6:49 PM
so, i just woke up (yes my sleep schedule is currently fucked lmfao), and idk, i feel like today is gonna be great, and that all is right with the world and that nothing can stop me, idk, i'm just walking on sunshine lmfao. bipolar is whack, but hey, i will take this, bc these highs are what i live for and crave lol. i'll probably post a good bit today but short posts, so yeah but hey, until then : )
11-11-2020 - 7:12 AM
hey, so, that guy was taken care of, and was a bit creepy, ngl he creeped me out, and it wasn't fun, so i've now lost my flow, but i hope to do an entry later in the day. thanks.
11-11-2020 - 6:34 AM
(i'm gonna stop putting no quote if i don't have one, i'll just leave it blank)
so, god it's been a while, and i have been trying to post more regularly, but it's hard, you know? i just forget about this diary, and it helps me get stuff off my mind, like some people who royally pissed me off whilst playing video games, just didn't know when to quit you know? and i just- idk, i like venting here, writing whatever i want because i can be myself, i can say what i want, with no fear of repercussions, or hate, or anything, i can be myself, which includes being Lesbian, a Bounty Hunter in Immortal life, and lord knows how many other things about who i am, and nobody can care, or track me down, or anything, and it feels safe, even if someone does track me down, then they care that much, or i have enough evidence to send them to jail for life, so i won't need to worry about them (besides, i can handle myself decently). idk, i just- i don't know, i guess i'm just so sick of this world, of humans, and how awful they can be, so, i write here, being a lonely mystery girl on the internet, and just saying whatever the fuck i want. idk, i like it, and i hope that in some way, you can find some sort of something that helps you in my public diary, or something that you can connect with, idk. i just hope i can help you, now, if you'll excuse me, i have a simpy little bitch of a desperate and annoying boy spamming me, so i'll make another entry soon, thanks
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