February - October 2020

back to the Index Here and the homepage Here. notable entries are listed next, along with links to future and past entry pages. I hope you enjoy reading these

Future: November 2020 - Past: Secrets

Notable Entries:

10-14-2020 - 7:03 PM

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sorry for not entering anything lately, i've had a lot on my plate, between old friends coming back into my life, bottling stuff up, it's been, well, it's been a lot, and i haven't had much time to write, my mind has been, well, elsewhere. you're probably wondering the point of this diary if you read this, if anyone does. it's because i just want a place to vent anonymously, speak my mind, my opinions, etc, and not have to worry about anyone contacting me with hate, or some condescending whatever-the-fuck. i just want a place to let loose, vent, open up, and just say whatever the hell i want to say. i'm gonna try and write a new entry tomorrow, but i don't know if i'll get around to it, so thank you for reading, and i hope that you enjoy this site, and reading what goes on inside my head. thank you.

9-26-2020 - 1:12 PM

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long time no see i guess, to this diary, and an old friend of mine, [54;50.52;49.51;49.55;49.48;52] who came back into my life yesterday. i didn't expect it, and honestly i am just so upset, and sad, because all these emotions and memories came back, and i just- i don't even know what to do with myself or anything. it's all just so complex and fucking, idk

9-22-2020 - 2:15 PM

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so, another alter, [31,20,19,6,23,24,13,14] got control after i was having some fun with my Immortal wife, [8,6,23,24,10,17,14,19,6], and then I got a mild prolonged anxiety attack, and so, [31,20,19,6,23,24,13,14] took control feeling that and lost it trying to find who caused the attack, and then he found out my wife was the person, and so he tortured her a bit, and i just- i have no clue what to do or say, i mean, i just- i don't know what to say or do, i- it's just so surprising, and it hurt to know that he did that and i just- i don't know......

9-22-2020 - 12:07 PM

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so, i guess i'll update by saying i pretty much hate my father, [9,6,19] he's such an ass and i hate him, i swear, like ugh! i just hate him.

3:33 PM - 9-21-2020

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i don't know why but i was laying in bed, watching tiktok, and then i started dissociating slightly, and then it stopped, and i came back to my bedroom, and just this wave of bipolar sadness hit, like, idk, it was just this sudden, intense, sadness, like i usually get, and i just-  i don't know what to do! i get so fucking sad and depressed and just in general really fucking sad for no reason and honestly, i have no fucking clue why, and i mean, it makes sense with my bipolar, but you'd think that something would trigger it, i mean, anything. i just wish that i knew why i get like this sometimes, idk, i just-  yeah.....        i'm sorry for this really depressing/sad post, but i just- idk, i just wanted to come here, where i can anonymously post whatever i want, anytime i want, anything, idk, i like it, that way no assholes or bastards can come after me, spam my nickname out with an omegle bot to harass me like an old enemy from discord did on a few occasions. thanks for that by the way [21,17,10,29], i still hate you, and hope you fuck off somewhere special, like hell. as if that bastard would find this, hell, as if anyone will, let alone anyone i know....   it's whatever though, i like venting here, it's nice.....           that's all for now i guess, ummm, yeah, talk later......

11:41 AM - 9-21-2020 - recap, and kind of just venting

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i've been talking with my sister, [49.54;54;50.53], and god i missed her. she and i had been taking some space from each other because she had so much going on, and, well, i was pretty bitchy and upset and overly sensitive with her, she said it's like walking on eggshells with me......    i felt really awful, and so, i was almost constantly crying, i was so upset, and i was listening to really sad music......  i felt so awful that hell, i stared at my knife, waiting, wondering if i'd lose control and kms, but, i didn't, and so, i guess that's good, but what really is good is that i finally got to talk to [49.54;54;50.53] again, and we're close again, sisters, apparently she wasn't too upset with me and just had some sort of hard date coming up, idk what it is, but i honestly don't care, and didn't, i just wished she'd told me beforehand so i could have had more reasons to hold back from suicide.....     god life is so hard as a Mortal, i mean, hell, what the fuck am i even doing? it's all just so confusing, and idk, it's all just so hard, and the amount of stuff that my friends don't know, good lord, it's a lot......       but i don't tell them because an ex-friend, [49.54;54;50.53;54;49.57;54] called the cops on me for feeling suicidal, instead of just distracting me or talking me down, i mean, idk, i just wish that never happened.....      i wish a lot in this life never happened, but honestly, i guess that's what happens when you're an Immortal living in a Mortal world, things are different, and you make plenty of mistakes, more than most Mortals......       one good quote is "shit happens".......        i don't really know what else to put here, so, yeah, i guess that's it for now.........         yeah, bye for now, and i decided that i'm gonna make a patreon if you want to read the random ventings and rantings of some mystery girl on the internet, i'll leave the link somewhere around here, up to you to find, and thanks in advance if you do support me, until next time whoever reads this........

11:11 AM - 8-31-2020

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i got to reconnect with an old friend, [16;6;30;17;6], god i missed her so much, so fucking much. i luv her (as a friend)

10:24 AM - 8-31-2020


i don't have a quote for this one and just wanted to speak my mind.

i'm listening to "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. it's deep, and i'm vibing. i got a lot on my mind, and idk, it's just-    idk what to say.....


i wish i could go back to my Immortal life, have it back, but i'd need to KMS to get out of this Mortal body, and that's not gonna work, at least not right now, or too soon, so i'm stuck. i'm also really crushing on this straight girl rn, so that's fun......


idk, i'm just-      i'm deep in thought and got a lot on my mind, i guess, i don't know......

bye for now...

6:33 AM - 5-9-2020

"the songs that you need to hunt for the deeper meaning within tend to be the ones that are the most valuable to you"  -Eotonati Oomahamo. this is my second quote from him.


since my last post, i have a new, different GF, and a lot has changed, and i don't know what to write, but the song i'm listening to is called "Murder Song (5,4,3,2,1)" by AURORA. it's so deep, yet also so sad, and i love it, but as the quote says, i had to hunt for a deeper meaning, and so that just made it 10 times more enjoyable for me to listen to, i love it. i also sang along with it in a music video that i recorded, for my GF, [5;24;13], who is so sweet. i really hopes she loves the music video when i send it to her, which is gonna be as soon as she wakes up today. i love you [5;24;13].

February 2020:

1:35 PM - 2-27-2020

"music is like Shifters', they can shift, flow, like water, music is the same way, but when the purpose becomes clear, it becomes a rainbow of water"  -Eotonati Oomahamo, a Goliath philosopher who sacrificed himself for a Shifter prince, Prince Atobi, 1,856,478 years ago, or at 1,854,458 BC


this song is a rainbow according to the quote at the top of this page, it means a lot. this song is one that my girlfriend suggested me, and i love it so much, it's "Carry You" by Ruelle, featuring Fleurie. it's to show that she'll always be there for me, and i trust her when she says that. i know she can't be here 24/7/365, but i know that when i need her, she'll be here. to her: i love you so much.

9 PM - 2-26-2020

"people who care don't spend money on others, they spend time, devotion, companionship, and friendship, on the people they care about, and that's what you look for to know how good someone is"  -Estani Utai


I've been thinking about a non-binary friend that i know, they're so nice, and this quote applies to them in full, they mean so much to me, and i luv them because they're a friend and they truly care and they've been such an amazing influence in my life, and i love it so much because they have done me so much good and helped me be better, be more caring, be more of myself, and just be the best me that i can be.

7:02 PM - 2-26-2020

"the bravest ones are those who show their true colors like a rainbow, the way we should show ourselves"  -Alatani Ebaki, a Shifter priest who ran one of the many churches in the Shifter Realm and was also a philosopher


she's so brave, and she is so honest and open, and i love it, and i love her, and i will always be here for her, waiting for her to need me or want me to be there, right by her side, and i hope she knows that i mean this, and will keep coming to me as she has. i love her so much.

6:48 PM, 2-26-2020

"everyone has a dark and a light, but those who show the darkness on the outside are the most genuine, most kind, and the utmost best people, because they're not afraid to be inside out"  -Itubati Kalana, a Shifter martyr in the Shifter rights movement 85,983 years ago, at 83,963 BC


she's so kind, so nice, and she's so, so caring, she kept checking in on me, keeps pushing me to be better, to be stronger, and all this in just a week, i mean wow, a week? yeah, it has been only that long, but that just shows what the right match, and love can do in such a short time. i love her so much, i really do, and i can't stop saying it. we agreed to take it slow, but i'm still gonna say that i love her a lot, because she means so much to me.


as i write this something happened, so i'm gonna cut it short right here, bye for now

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